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THE 

RAMBLES 

AND 

SURPRISING ADVENTURES 

OF 

CAPTAIN BOLIO. 



BY DELLA. 



EMBELLISHED WITH THIRTY-TWO ENGRAVINGS. 



LONDON: 



PRINTED FOR THOMAS TEGG, 73, CHEAPSIDE ; 

TEGG AND CO., DUBLIN; R. GRIFFIN AND CO., GLASGOW; 
ALSO, J. AND S. A. TEGG, SYDNEY AND HOBART TOWN. 

1839. 



,k /9 £ 3 








MAY 9 1984 



' ft 



Directions to the Binder for placing the Plates. 



Vignette — The Wedding. 
Frontispiece — The Recognition. 

The First Shot. to face 

The Gypsies* Tent Scene 

The Pursuit of the Incendiary 

The Trial Scene 

Dr. Leechum Prescribing for Lady Bolio 

Claudius in Livery 

A Gaming Scene 

Grabum carried to Bed 

A Bedchamber Scene 

Dr. Titheum rescued from Mud and Water .... 

The Disguised Parson 

Taking Wine at Devizes 

A Scene before the Castle Inn 

Dr. Titheum in Handcuffs 

A Donkey Scene at Chichester 

The Swell Sharper at Corsham 

Robbers in Ringwood Forest 

The Waiting Congregation 

A Matrimonial Jar 

The Masquerade 

The Breakfast- table overturned 

The Ghost and the Barber 

The Fainting Hairdresser 

The Cafe* des Milles Colonnes 

Miss Fidget in Hysterics 

Dr. Titheum and the Gin-drinkers 

A Courting Scene 

Georgianaand Jannet 

Dr. Titheum and the Writing Fluid Inventor.. . 
Sir Marmaduke and the Sheriff's Officer 



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354 
376 
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413 
437 
442 
457 
482 



THE 



RAMBLES OF CAPTAIN BOLIO. 



CHAPTER I 

•* Aye, Sir, by the rood he was a soldier, 
And one more brave did never draw a sword; 
And yet, withal, he was a man of whims, 
Of fancies singular, and most eccentric, 
Whereof his son did plentifully partake. 
But hist, hist, you'll hear anon." 

Custom is invariably an arbitrary and very frequently an 
outrageously tyrannical master, to whose imperious mandates 
we are compelled to do homage, and yield obedience, nolens 
volens. 

Bowing to such indisputable and justly revered authority, 
I shall not, as otherwise perhaps I might have been tempted 
to do, send forth my hero like an unexpected and unfathered 
bantling, into the world, but by a hasty sketch of his family, 
birth, and character, give to him a literary existence, and 
then proceed to introduce him to all who may feel interested 
in his history, by recounting some of the observations, scenes, 
and adventures of his eventful life. 

Captain Claudius Bolio — such was the cognomen by which 
our hero was distinguished from a host of Bolios, all spring- 
ing as it would appear from one great stock — was the young- 
est son of a nobleman of ancient and honourable family, but 
of comparatively limited fortune, that is, when the support 
of rank and title is taken into the account as an item in cur- 
rent expenses. His sire was Count Dornato Sebastian Bolio ; 
he had rendered himself famous both by intrepidity of con- 



2 THE RAMBLES OF 

duct and military skill, during the fearful struggles for 
liberty which took place at the period that those distinguished 
individuals, Columbus and Vasco de Gama, led the forces of 
Spain against his native country. The sanguinary scenes 
which were witnessed by the republic of Venice, when the 
tide of wealth, pouring into the exchequer of its adversary 
from the new-found world, gave to it a power which neither 
popes, princes, nor sultans had ever possessed, to unsettle 
and overturn the tranquillity and liberty of that unfortunate 
people, and the boasted independence of the ruined state, are 
known, it is presumed, to most of our readers. Then it was 
that Count Bolio, with the remnant of his fortune, and a 
small family, fled from the tyranny of the council of ten, and 
took up his residence in the general rendezvous, or common 
receptacle of every thing good, bad, and indifferent, — Eng- 
land ! 

It has been asserted, that in the constitution of a hero the 
elements of cruelty or of eccentricity are invariably found. 
How much soever such statement may be, in the gross, 
opposed to plain matter of fact, it is certain that no small 
quantum of the latter was possessed by Count Bolio, and 
which became a kind of heir-loom to his son the Captain. 

During one of the scenes of conflict in which the Count 
was engaged, himself and his regiment were subjected to the 
unpleasant endurance of what in vulgar parlance is called 
" short commons ;" that is, their rations were light in quan- 
tity, and " like angel visits, few avAfar between." 

Hunger has been known to quicken the genius of literary 
men, and therefore, perhaps for the advantage of the million 
that are benefitted by their labours, they are generally kept 
sharp set ; and why the same effect may not be produced by 
the same cause upon military men I know not ; it is at least 
possible that in the present case it did so. The Count well 
knew the superstition which existed among the Spanish 
troops, and determined to practise upon their credulity for 
the advantage of himself and those who were enduring with 
him the twitchings of hunger. 

About this perod two men of the Venetian legion had 
been detected in an attempt to desert to the enemy, and in 
consequence were advanced to the somewhat unpleasan 
popularity, which they no doubt would have thought " more 
honoured in thebreach than in the observance/' of being 
riddled by the balls of some half-score of their comrades 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 3 

The Count caused it to be extensively circulated, that the 
apparitions of the two unfortunates were in the habit of 
making nightly visits to some of those who had formerly 
been their companions in arms, and displaying various feats 
of ghostly eccentricity in their presence. The story flew 
like wild-fire, and, from the piquets of the Venetian, passed 
to the piquets of the Spanish forces, and operated as he 
wished and expected. What a troop of his soldiers could 
not have effected, his tale of phantasmagoria accomplished. 

Several head of fine cattle belonging to the enemy grazed 
most temptingly within sight of the Venetian lines. To 
obtain at least a few of these was a point of considerable con- 
sequence to the Count and his followers, and he determined 
for once to risk a somewhat daring manoeuvre to accomplish 
his object. In pursuance of this purpose, and as soon as 
the ghost tale was sufficiently spread, himself and a brother 
officer arrayed themselves in what appeared spectral habili- 
ments, and, under cover of a clouded moon, stole forth at 
midnight,— 

" The hour so fam'd when spirits love to walk, 
And pay earth visits from the world unknown," 

and stalked directly towards the Spanish lines, while a select 
party stood prepared to receive the booty when obtained, or 
render such assistance as circumstances might require. With 
solemn gait they approached the spot where the objects of 
their ghosly visit grazed, making deep and continued moan- 
ings of the most unearthly kind. The Spanish piquets be- 
held the approaching spirits, and trembled like the con- 
science-stricken Mede of old ; and as they crossed themselves 
piously, and repeated as devoutly as friars their paternosters 
and avemarys, the Count and his fellow sprite broke two 
vessels each, in which they carried an equal number of flam- 
beaux. The sudden glare of the lights, and the furious and 
grotesque attitudes into which they threw their distorted 
bodies, increased the terror of the half-dead soldiers, and 
roused at the same time the grazing cattle, who, tossing their 
heads wildly, and lashing their sides with their tails, fled in 
disorder from their fiend-like pursuers, and in a few mi- 
nutes afterwards they were safely lodged in the custody of 
the friends of the Count; while the praying Spaniards, dis- 
covering the trick which had been played upon them, turned 
from supplicating the virgin mother to give vent to bitter 
execrations against the cattle-stealing ghosts. 

B 2 



4 THE RAMBLES OF 

A variety of similar well-managed feats were performed 
by the eccentric Count, which, were I to enumerate them, 
would swell into volumes more in number than those which 
contain the adventures of the knight of De la Mancha, and 
of such a character as would put to shame for romantic inte- 
rest the exploits of that justly renowned champion. As, 
however, I do not intend to become the biographer of the 
Count, but of his son, I shall turn- from all further reference 
to them. 

It has already been observed, that on the overthrow and 
degradation of the land of his birth, the Count fled from 
Venice to England. Here he purchased an estate of some 
considerable extent, and although he retained the title of 
Count, he assumed the equally respectable and often more 
useful character and conduct, of an English gentleman. In 
his experience the words of prophecy were fulfilled, "The 
sword was turned into a plough-share, and the spear into a 
pruning-hook." Two of his sons still retained posts in the 
army of their native country, and continued to do so until 
after the treaty of Campo Formio, when Venice was ceded 
to Austria. 

In the charming spot, on the borders of the sylvan county 
of Dorset, where the Count and his lady had taken up their 
residence, the hero of my tale came into the world ; and as 
he was the last born, so he was, as in all such cases it gene- 
rally occurs, the pet of his parents. He had scarcely attained 
the fourth year of his existence when the good old Count his 
father died, and Claudius became the complete idol, and of 
course spoiled child, of his only surviving parent. He had 
not entered his teens when his inherent eccentricity, and his 
love of adventure over-leaped the bounds of decorum, and 
displayed themselves in rather glowing colours. 

The greatest possible care was taken in the improvement 
of his mind, and in order that a good and substantial, as 
well as elegant and classical education should be possessed 
by him, a gentleman of first-rate talents had been engaged 
as his' private tutor. Unfortunately the temper and staturd 
of the teacher of the dead languages were held as a deaft 
letter in the estimation of young Bolio : the former was soi- 
and gentle as a lady's should be, while the latter was as de 
minutive as a full-grown dwarf's would be. 

Claudius had not reached his thirteenth year when he 
could, and in point of stature did, look down upon the man 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 5 

of letters, and in consequence of the wildness of his disposi- 
tion not unfrequently played him some wild and elfish tricks. 

On one occasion they were enjoying themselves on a fine 
piece of water, which formed a branch of the river Stour, 
and passed through the grounds attached to the family 
mansion, when the oft disputed topic of Hannibal's crossing 
the Alps, as to whether the conqueror of the land of song 
entered Italy by passing mount St. Bernard, or by the mount 
Cenis, called into exercise all the fiery temper of the pupil, 
and for a moment ruffled the placid spirit of the mild tutor 
himself. Master Claudius, however, cut short the argument 
by seizing his opponent with a fierce and disrespectful grasp, 
and plunging with him into the element of the fishes. This 
would in all probability have been the last, as well as the 
first serious exploit of young Bolio, had it not been for the 
gardener and his assistant, who, hearing the plunge in the 
water as well as the shriek which the terrified tutor sent 
forth, hastened in another boat to the spot, and with the aid 
of a boat-hook dragged them, like a pair of flat fish, to terra 
fir ma. 

This, it must be allowed, was an auspicious commence- 
ment in Claudius' adventures, and for this act of violence 
and audacious breach of discipline, he was most righteously 
sentenced to perform a protracted and disgraceful act of 
penance, rather than attend to which he would almost as 
soon have been condemned to sutler an auto defe. 

The penance referred to consisted of three distinct parts. 
In the first place it was enacted that he should crave for- 
giveness of his insulted master, in language and attitude 
denotive of sorrow. Secondly, he was to live upon the un- 
palatable fare of bread and water for the space of one wmole 
day and night, or four-and-twenty entire hours ; and lastly, 
to endure the pangs of solitary confinement for the same 
space of time in a lofty apartment at the back of the house. 

Now it should be known that our hero had been wont to 
revel in those tales of chivalry and romance, of which his 
father's land is the foundation of so rich a supply, both 

" In simple prose and soul-exciting verse ; " 

the consequence was, that he glowed with the irrepressible 
ardour of uninstructed youth to become himself the hero of 
some wonderful incident. The eccentricity of his father ap- 
peared at the instant to live and blaze within him. He had 



O THE RAMBLES OF 

long panted for an opportunity to display his origin by some 
deed of novel nature, and now an occasion fully according 
with his wishes was fairly presented. It appeared to him 
(albeit he might have been wrong) that he was loudly called 
upon, by concurring circumstances, to enact the hero of his 
own romantic brain. 

How to avoid the first part of his degrading and cruel sen- 
tence, as he termed making an apology for the outrage he 
had committed, he was puzzled to determine. That he 
would not make it, however, he was fully determined. At 
length the moment arrived when the fiery ordeal was to be 
endured. The little tutor summonsed him to the hall of 
audience, into which, on this special and important occasion, 
the drawing-room of the mansion was converted. There 
sat the pedagogue in all the plenitude of official dignity, and 
there too, on a sofa, reclined Claudius' lady mother, half- 
inclined to remit the sentence altogether, and yet, ostensibly, 
to see that the first part of her son's punishment was duly 
inflicted, nothing being extenuated, nor aught added in 
malice. 

" My object, Master Claudius," commenced his instructor, 
"hem! my object, Sir, in desiring you should endure the 
punishment which awaits you, is not dictated by passion or 
revenge ; hem, — the hope that it may lead you in future to 
see the impropriety of yielding to a spirit which, if not at 
once checked, cannot fail to be a fruitful source of unhappi- 
ness to you through life, alone influences me ; hem, — Lady 
Bolio, your affectionate mother, acquiesces with me in the 
propriety of the sentence passed upon you : hem, — the first 
part of which is, that you make an apology befitting the 
offence committed. Hem ! come, Sir, the apology." Clau- 
dius hesitated, the tutor still urged, and gravely raised his 
staff of authority. This, in the eyes of Claudius, looked 
very like a signal of attack, and feeling as indignant at a 
threatened blow as an ancient Roman would at receiving a 
lash, he thrust a hand into each of his trousers pockets, and 
with the speed of lightning drew forth a rotten egg from 
each, which with equal celerity he hurled at the head of his 
master, declaring, as he did so, " I will never make an apo- 
logy to such a hemming thing." The first shot took full effect, 
striking dominie full on the os frontis, while the stinking 
contents of the effective missile filled both his eyes, and pre- 
vented the infliction of the intended chastisement. Lady 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 7 

Bolio, alarmed, rung the bell violently for help, and, with the 
assistance of two or three servants, the refractory youth was 
consigned to the place of solitary confinement. The means 
by which he managed to escape the other parts of his sen- 
tence will, with other grave matters, be given in the follow- 
ing chapter. 



CHAPTER II. 

"His conduct discovered nothing but the violences of youth and obsti- 
nacy. He seemed to be equally haughty and indolent. Nobody knew his 
real character ; he did not even know it himself." — Voltaire's Charles XII. 

Of the power of perseverance to surmount the greatest diffi- 
culties, many memorable instances are on record. My reader 
may have in his recollection the case of De Latude and his 
companion, D' Alegre, whose wonderful escape from the 
Bastille in 1756 is so notorious : — if such should be the fact, 
no surprise will exist in their minds that Master Claudius 
. Bolio, prompted by the same love of liberty, should resolve 
upon ceasing to be a captive with all possible speed. 

No sooner was the door of his prison fastened upon him 
than the active energies of his mind came into full play to 
find out some means of escape. The only window in the 
apartment, which was a large one, was so well secured by iron 
bars as to forbid all hope of egress in that direction. Every 
pannel in the heavy wainscoting was carefully examined in 
the forlorn hope of discovering a secret spring, but in v ain 
The lock of the door was next inspected, but, as it was a 
mortised one, and he possessing no implements with which 
to pick it, he was obliged to give up his last faint expectation 
of leaving his cage that way. One only pathway to freedom 
remained unexplored, and to that his circumstances, and not 
his will, directed him ; this was none other than the self-same 
way by which the heroes of the Bastille, referred to above, left 
their unpleasant residence, — the chimney. 

_ Having determined in his own mind, whatever might be 
the consequence, or by whatever means effected, to leave the 
place in which he was now held, he waited with feverish im- 
patience the approach of night, when, under the cover of 
darkness, he might put his determination into execution with- 
out being noticed. 



8 THE RAMBLES OF 

Hour after hour passed with fatiguing monotony, when, as 
the hall clock struck seven, approaching footsteps announced 
a visitor. Presently the key turned in the wards of the lock, 
the hinges creaked ominously, the door opened cautiously, 
and in popped the head of Mr. Ferule, the tutor, as if to 
reconnoiter the enemy's camp before he ventured to enter. 
Like a lion held at bay, Claudius scowled upon the man of 
letters, while his eye flashed fire, and looked a haughty de- 
fiance where he should have expressed sorrow. "I have come, 
Master Bolio," said Mr. Ferule, as he cautiously entered the 
room, " at the request of your mother, to know if you yet re- 
pent you of your intemperate conduct, and are disposed to make 
a suitable apology for the same, as well as promise never again 
to be guilty of such disgraceful outrage. " 

" You may return, Sir," replied the incorrigible culprit, 
haughtily, " and assure my mother that I will never disgrace 
my father's name by making professions which I do not 
feel." 

" Consider, Master Claudius," interrupted the tutor, in a 
conciliatory tone, " consider well what you are doing." 

" I have considered," retorted the youth, with more as- 
perity than prudence, " and warn you, Sir, to consider how 
you provoke me further, or— " 

"Well, well, Master Bolio," echoed Mr. Ferule, drawing 
one foot backward cautiously, " if you are determined to per- 
severe in your course, the effects must fall upon your own 
head ; you thus spurn the affection of your mother, as well 
as my disposition to forgive your past conduct, and compel us 
to execute with more rigour than we intended the punishment 
awarded you. The servant will presently bring your supply 
for the night, and then you will be left until the morning, to 
reflect upon your misdoing." So saying, he stepped towards 
the door, and was in the act of closing it after him when his 
rash pupil seized a china jug which was half-full of water, 
and threw it so furiously at the head of the tutor, that, if it 
had been as well directed as the egg which he discharged in 
the morning, it would have sent him to the tomb of the Capu- 
lets, or some other place of repose ; fortunately, however, he 
only received the contents of the vessel in the form of a shower- 
bath ; the jug struck against the closing door, and was dashed 
to pieces, while Mr. Ferule made good his retreat. Once 
more the door was fastened, and Claudius was again left to 
his solitary cogitations. 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 9 

What was the precise nature of the report, made and deli- 
vered to Lady Bolio, of this fresh instance of her son's violence, 
is not known ; all that has transpired is, that in half an hour 
after the man of letters had hasted dripping wet from the place 
of conflict, a servant entered the prisoner's room with a fresh 
supply of bread and water, and bidding him a " good night, 
Sir," left him to make his first essay in chimney-climbing. 

As all necessary precaution had been exercised to keep our 
hero safely in, so he now resorted to all possible means to 
keep all intruders out, in order that he might not be deterred 
from making preparations for his escape. Two strong bolts, 
one above and the other below, favoured him in this particu- 
lar ; and having drawn them with a noiseless care, he pro- 
ceeded to his task. He was aware that some help w r ould be 
necessary to enable him to descend from the gable-end of the 
house to the ground, and he therefore commenced the unmak- 
ing of his bed, and then taking the cord with which the sack- 
ing was laced, he tied them together, and found he possessed 
a sufficient number of yards to lower himself beyond danger. 
This done, he replaced the bed and bedding in the best way 
he could, and sat down until the hour should arrive for him 
to commence the execution of his scheme of folly. 

Never were hours considered so long before by Claudius. 
Time, to him, appeared almost suspended in its flight. At 
length the period at which the family usually retired came, 
and he heard, with pleasurable emotions, the doors of the 
several chambers close one after another, until all was quiet 
as the grave. Having fastened one end of the cord to one of 
his legs, that his hands might be left free, he commenced his 
sooty expedition. After incredible labour, and almost suffo- 
cated by heaps of condensed smoke through which he groped 
his way, he felt the sweet refreshing air of heaven play about 
his temples. Scarcely breathing for fear of detection, he 
stepped upon the roof of the house, and having drawn up his 
cord, fastened it carefully round the chimney from which he 
had emerged, and commenced sliding down the steep declivity, 
rendering the rope through his hands as he gently descended. 
Nature seemed to be in conceit with young Bolio's design ; 
for, as if to aid him in his rambling propensities, the wind 
blew with loud and gusty violence, so that any little noise 
which his progress over the tiles might have occasioned, was 
completely lost amidst the noise of the elements. 
All went on well for the first five minutes, when an unex- 

b 5 



10 THE RAMBLES OF 

pected accident occurred which threatened to prove fatal to 
his life as well as to his project. The knot which he had 
made when uniting the two cords gave way, and he flew down 
the remaining portion of the inclined plane with a rapidity 
such as scarcely any power of steam could have accelerated, 
and, like a flying imp of darkness, descended to the ground. 
A loud shriek, and a brief prayer, the latter uttered with evi- 
dent fervour, roused Claudius from partial stupor; but, with- 
out waiting to learn whence the unexpected sounds proceeded, 
he jumped upon his feet, and fled through the grounds to a 
neighbouring copse, where, seating himself on the trunk of a 
fallen tree to recover his breath, he first began to think seri- 
ously what course he should now pursue; and there, for a 
few moments, we must leave him in order to account, satis- 
factorily, for the sounds which he heard, when, with more 
speed than he intended, he left his place of durance vile. 

In the family of Lady Bolio, there resided a young lady of 
some personal attractions, who filled the important station of 
companion to her ladyship. She was a very Diana in look 
and language, so very discreet and timid, so innocent and 
bashful, that a look even of doubtful import from one of the 
opposite gender confused her beyond expression, while a gen- 
tle word, whispered in her ear by a gay visitor at the hall, 
crimsoned her face with blushes, and almost threw her into 
hysterics. 

Who does not know the jealousy of little minds ? — Who 
has not felt its sting? — Great ones are not always and en- 
tirely free from it ; and where this hydra of passion is in- 
dulged, whatever may have given it birth, or on whatever 
subject exercised, then — 

" Our innocence is not our shield, 
They take oflence who have not been offended ; 
They seek our ruin too, who speak us fair, 
And death is often ambush'd in their smiles." 

Miss Pinwell, the lady's assistant, was not the first, nor 
will she be the last who have experienced this poetry of truth. 
There were certain females in the establishment, who, in the 
spleen of their natures, had dared to whisper unkind things 
of her ladyship's favourite. They appeared to have learned 
from young Hamlet the more effectual method than by speak- 
ing plainly out, to stab and slay ; hence, with a 

" head-shake, 
Or by pronouncing of some dubious phrase, 
As, well we know,— or, we could, and if we would, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 11 

Or, ificclist to speak,— or, ihere be, and if there might, 
Or such ambiguous givings out," 

they intimated that she was not quite as cold as ice, or as 
pure as snow. 

It is indeed a fact that Mr. Ferule, the tutor, had been sus- 
pected of having made some impression upon the precise Miss 
Pinwell ; but then, it was only suspicion, none had ever seen 
a glance of the eye or a wooing smile bestowed by her upon 
him; 

" But with such general warrantry of heaven 
As purity itself might give." 

Now, it certainly was not the business either of Mr. Ferule, 
or of Miss Pinwell, to enlighten the minds of the establish- 
ment on matters of this nature, or perhaps they could have 
done so. It is possible they could have unfolded a tale which 
would have exceeded even the fertile imaginings of the whis- 
perers around them ; but the maiden could keep a secret as 
well as do other things. 

On the night that Master Claudius broke from his incar- 
ceration, the kind consenting fair one had yielded to the press- 
ing solicitations of Mr. Ferule to meet him in the garden 
behind the house when the family had retired. How many 
times before the same favour had been granted, at the same 
"witching hour," I feel no obligation to decide ; on the night 
in question they did meet, and, 

" Oh night of ecstacy, when shall we meet again ? " 

Had just escaped the tutor's lips as he pressed the yielding 
Miss Pinwell to his heart, when Claudius made his rapid de- 
scent from the roof of the house, and fell upon them both. 
The unexpectedness of the visit, — the sombre colour of the vi- 
sitant, — and their own unmentionable position, gave strength 
to the superstitious fears of their guilty minds, and they at 
once concluded that his Satanic majesty had come to claim 
his own, and bear them away. The lady shrieked with terror, 
and fainted, while Mr. Ferule falling, or rather, rising upon 
his knees (for the weight of his unknown pupil had borne 
him to the earth), prayed earnestly fo pardon and deliverance. 
How long Miss Pinwell would have remained a lovely 
type of inanimate nature, or to what extent Ferule might 
have lengthened out his orisons, is impossible to say, if a 
shower of rain had not most opportunely fallen, which speedily 
roused them from their lethargy. 



12 THE RAMBLES OF 

Miss Pinwell was still seated upon the ground, with her 
head reclining against Mr. Ferule's bosom, when, opening 
her languid optics, she looked fearfully round — shuddered, 
and most piteously exclaimed, — 

"Oh Mr. Ferule !" 

" Oh Miss Pinwell I" responded the trembling tutor 

" What will become of us ?" enquired Miss Pinwell. 

"What indeed ?" sighed the quaking gallant. 

" Did you see him ?" asked Miss Pinwell. 

" Yes, love," answered Ferule, and the teeth chattered in 
his head as he spoke ; — " I did indeed see him : oh horrible ! 
and I felt him too," continued the little -man ; " I fear the 
blow which I received from his club has broken some of my 
ribs." 

" I fear," observed Miss Pinwell, as Mr. Ferule tenderly 
raised her from her couchant position, — " I fear I have sadly 
dirted my gown. If we should be discovered by any of the 
ill-natured creatures of the house, what would they say ? my 
character would be lost for ever." 

"Yes, sweet/' sighed the tutor, mournfully, "we should, 
dear, be utterly ruined. We had better hasten to our cham- 
bers/' continued Ferule as he supported the lady towards 
the door of which they had secured the key. " There," 
said he, as they stepped in, " that's right. Let not a word 
escape you, dearest, of this unfortunate adventure. You will 
be able to manage some excuse concerning your gown, and 
I'll take care to have the lumbago, or the rheumatics, or con- 
trive to fall from a chair to account for my limping gait, and 
if nothing else makes it known, love, no one will learn our 
secret." 

A fond embrace, and a delicious kiss, closed the eventful 
interview, and groping their way on their tip-toes,— hav- 
ing taken off their shoes, — they retired to their separate 
beds. 

In the mean time, Claudius, who had recovered his breath, 
which he had nearly lost by his recent extraordinary exer- 
tions, wellnigh lost it entirely by fright. He had occupied 
his seat only a few minutes when the wind ceased, and he 
heard, at no great distance from him, the sound of human 
voices. Not doubting that his escape had been discovered, 
and that the servants were in pursuit of him, he rose in haste 
like started game, and ran towards the river, determining 
rather to plunge into the rapid stream than suffer himself to 



CAPTAINBOLIO. 13 

be captured. As he approached the margin, he stood a mo- 
ment to listen ; — all was silent again : but as he turned his 
eyes towards the point whence the sounds had proceeded, he 
beheld a blazing fire in the distance, and perceived several 
strange-looking figures seated around it smoking ; while 
two or three others were exhibiting some singular contor- 
tions of body, as if for the amusement of their fellows. The 
sight — although unable fully to comprehend its meaning — re- 
lieved him from a crushing weight of anxiety, while an inde- 
finable sensation took possession of him, like the fluttering 
of hope, combated by fear ; but in which hope maintained 
the pre-eminence, — that among this singular body of people 
he might find an asylum and escape detection. 

Influenced by such emotions, he stole, with the caution of 
a grimalkin when about to spring upon its devoted prey, to- 
wards the group, and in a little time perceived it was a camp 
of gypsies, who were merrily regaling themselves, after the 
toils of the day, upon what they had levied either from the 
credulity or carelessness of the villagers around them. 

"Hist, hist/' said an old wrinkled-faced female, raising 
herself in a listening attitude, and placing her bony finger 
upon her skinny lips, while nstantly, as she spoke, the re- 
vellers ceased : — " I hear footsieps approaching ; who of our 
camp is yet absent ?" and as she made the enquiry, she threw 
her sharp, deep-sunken eyes round the circle. — " Oh, I see," 
she added, " Cribb has not yet reached our quarters ; he is 
late to-night ; it is he, I suppose, who is coming." 

Scarcely had the wild hag ceased speaking, when a fierce- 
looking fellow, habited like a tinker, and bearing his kit 
upon his back, appeared before her. 

" May a thousand curses, and a thousand blisters with every 
curse, seize that old rascal of the rectory yonder," growled 
out Cribb, as he disengaged his arms from the straps which 
confined his box to his back, and threw it to the ground. 

" What now, Jem ?" enquired the sibyl-looking being who 
had first spoken, — " has he been crossing us in our business 
again ?" 

" Why yes he has," mutered Jem sulkily, " I had just 
grabbed as fine a young poker as you ever seed with your 
eyes, calculating to be sure s how we'd have a rale treat to- 
night, when up rides the fatblack cove what lives by plun- 
der ; — c Hullo, you feller/ says he, ' what's you arter V ' No- 
thing at all, your honour, 'says I. 



14 THE RAMBLES OF 

" • What is that are, what's your got under that are black 
apron of yourn there V says he, ' I demands to know that. 5 

" * Nothing at all,' says I, 'but what I honestly calls my own, 
what I'ze bought and paid for. I'm a reglar onest feller, 
what does the thing what's right. I never takes nothing of 
nobody's what a'nt mine. I can seduce a dozen vitnesses to 
swear as how it's all right.' " I pitched him the gammon 
hexcellently," continued Jem, "but it was no go ; I'm blest 
if that ere feller ant a knowing cove, for, says he, ' It won't 
do, I apprehends you/ says he, ' for a waggabond and a 
thief.' " 

" ' Do you ?' says I, ' then I'm blest if I stays ;' and with 
that, as I thought as how hargument woudn't do no good, 
I drops the porker and bolts, and clears a wall which Black 
Coat could not cross with his spavined knacker, and away I 
scampers as if hunted by a posse of devils ; the parson bawl- 
ing with all his lungs arter me, ' Stop thief.' May I be hung 
for a thief if I do, thinks I; so what with the darkness which 
came on, and running hard, I diddled the old scoundrel ; but 
I was led so confoundedly out of my way, and then was ob- 
ligated to go so far round to get here for fear of being 
grabb'd, that it has made me something late." 

"Well, well," said one of the party, "misfortunes will 
happen to the best of men. I have been more fortunate, you 
see," and he pointed to a large pot which was slung over a 
good fire. "There," he added, "is mutton enough to last 
us a couple of days at least, and by that time fortune will 
send us more — here, drink, my fine fellow ; that's as good 
a drop of the cratur as if the rascally taxers had been paid 
duty for it." 

" We must shift our quarters," interrupted the sibyl, who 
had been listening to Jem's harangue, " or may be we shall 
be moved to quarters we shan't well like. Our course must 
be towards Ringwood, and to-morrow night we'll meet on 
the borders of the Forest—now let's to supper, and in the 
morning at day break we'll strike our tents and away." 

In a few minutes two or three large dishes were produced, 
and a fine quantity of mutton, garnished with various kinds 
of vegetables of the most seasonable description, sent forth 
a fragrance which reached Claudius' distended olfactory or- 
gans ; and as he ad not for several hours past luxuriated 
upon any thing half so agreeable, his yearning bowels deter- 
mined him to make friends with the social fraternity before 



CAPTAIN BOI/IO. 15 

him ; and, if they would allow him the honour of member- 
ship, become one of their order. 

Full of this hastily formed determination, he presented 
himself to the assembly, and in a few minutes gave them an 
account of his circumstances and wishes, and was hailed as 
a lad fit for their community. In a little time he was dis- 
encumbered of the dress which he wore, and supplied with 
one more suitable to the profession he had adopted, and the 
character he was about to sustain. 

Master Bolio had now fairly started into public life. If at 
the end of one hour his tutor, or even his mother, had met 
him, the transformed youth could not have been recognised, 
so completely had he been metamorphosed. His hands and 
face bore as comely a tawny hue, produced by a decoction 
of walnut shells, as if the blood of the gypsy race ran in his 
veins. A straight-haired, matted, carrotty-coloured wig, which 
was surmounted by a hat minus the greater portion of the 
brim, the crown of which was fastened in with packthread ; 
his tattered and patched garments fluttered in the breeze, 
while the apology for shoes which adorned his stocking-less 
feet, fully came up to the recommendation of a profound 
Scotch M. D., viz., that shoes worn by children should al- 
ways be such as would allow the free ingress of water. Thus, 
equipped with a bellyfull of victuals and the prospect of li- 
berty and novelty before him, he congratulated himself upon 
his fortunate escape, and on the following morning com- 
menced his peregrinations with his new associates. 



CHAPTER III. 

" My muse by no means deals in fiction ; 
She gathers a repertory of facts ; 
Of course, with some reserve and slight restriction, 
But mostly treats of human things and acts :— 
* * * * 

Love, intrigue, and fainting — sure there's variety ; 

Also a seasoning slight of lucubration, 

A bird's-eye view, too, of that wild society, 

A slight glance thrown on men of every station." 

Don Juan. 

" The heart of a woman," says one, " is a sea of kindness, 
a rich and vast confluence of all that can delight and bless." 
It would ill accord with the spirit of gratitude for one who 
has revelled so long and so luxuriously in such a sea to do 



16 THE RAMBLES OF 

other than approve and applaud the declaration. I rather 
feel disposed to add, the heart of a mother is such a sea, 
without soundings or limit ; the acts of folly or of crime 
which her offspring may perpetrate, appear to open wider 
the sluices of affection towards such ; while the discipline 
which propriety compels her to resort to, wrings from her 
heart a pang at every lash. 

Such were the feelings of Lady Bolio towards her dear 
Claudius. Had the indignity which Mr. Ferule experienced 
from him been endured by any other person, it is possible, 
nay, 'tis probable the crime would have been passed by with 
some slight reprimand ; .but then there was, or it was be- 
lieved there was, some w r omanish feeling, some certain degree 
of penchant towards the gentlemanly and well-proportioned 
little tutor felt by her ladyship ; and therefore perhaps it 
was, rather than a decided wish to punish Claudius, she co n- 
sented to the execution of the sentence which had been 
passed upon him. Gladly would she have remitted the pu- 
nishment and pardoned the culprit ; and hence, in the hope 
that matters might have been made up, she requested, as we 
have seen, that Mr. Ferule would have the kindness to visit 
and make certain overtures to him, the termination of which 
treaty proved so disastrous to the tutor. 

During the whole of the night her ladyship's rest was dis- 
turbed by painful dreams respecting her son and the tutor. 
Little did she imagine that her prim waiting-maid had stolen 
the warm heart of the little man, neither did she once dream 
of the scenes which were transpiring in the vicinity of her 
chamber. 

At an earlier hour than usual Lady Bolio rang for her at- 
tendant. Miss Pinwell at the moment was in a profound 
sleep, dreaming over again the circumstances of the past 
night, with a few horrible additions, or addendas, — such as 
being clasped in the arms of the black gentleman — being 
carried through the air by a flaming monster — and seeing 
Mr. Ferule desert her at a time when nature seemed to press 
her claims upon him. 

A second, and much more violent pull of the noisy dis- 
turber, roused her in confusion ; and imagining she was pur- 
suing the faithless Ferule, she leaped from her bed, and 
coming in sudden contact with a large swing looking-glass, 
she ran her head completely through it, forcing the back 
from the frame ; and then, while in the act of retreating from 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 17 

the ruins she had made, overturned a handsome wash-hand- 
stand ; in a moment the room was deluged with water, and 
covered with the fragments of a rich hand-bason and ewer, 
together with a variety of et-ceteras usually appended to a 
toilet for female embellishment. 

The loud crash, and the cold water in which she stood, 
completely waked her. The first thing which met her ex- 
tended vision was the gown which she had worn on the pre- 
ceding night. Instantly she resolved to make some advan- 
tage of the disaster which had befallen her ; and therefore, 
taking the wet and soiled garment in her hand, she saturated 
it perfectly in the stream which flowed around her, so as to 
make it appear that the accident which had just occurred had 
reduced it to its dirty condition. 

Miss Pinwell had scarcely completed her task, although 
but the work of a minute, before two or three servants were 
at her door enquiring the cause of the unusual noise they 
had heard; while Lady Bolio, who slept in an adjoining 
chamber, almost fainted with alarm. The unfortunate wait- 
ing-woman, having thrown a dressing-gown round her per- 
son, opened the door of her room, and exhibited such a scene 
to the crowding servants as the genius of destruction might 
have gloried at the sight of. 

" Dear me, Miss Pinwell," cried the housemaid, " who- 
ever has you had with you in your bed-room, to make all 
this defusion and construction ? I declares I never seed such 
dreadful ruination in all my born days !" 

"Ruination indeed," echoed the cook, "the fat is all in 
the fire, sure enough, somebody must have done it, that's 
certain," — and she peered round the bed-curtains as she 
spoke, and stooped to examine if any one had been secreted 
under the bed. 

Miss Pinwell bore the gibes of the servants witn consider- 
able temper for some time ; at length insinuations of some 
one being in her room, roused her to self-defence: — injured 
innocence demanded a reply, and she exclaimed — 

"Your cruel and wicked hints I can bear no longer. I 
tell you a mere accident of my own has occasioned the dis- 
aster. What part of my conduct has given you license to 
attack my reputation ? My lady shall be informed of it, I 
assure you, and either you or myself shall leave the house." 

" Oh, as for that," replied the housemaid, " I am sartin no 
one has detected your reputation. I know who will have to 



IS THE RAMBLES OF 

clear away messes ; and I will say that all these 'ere things 
couldn't have ruinated themselves." 

" Bless me," cried the cook, in mock sympathy, as she 
caught up Miss PinwelPs gown, "how sorry I am to see 
this sweet gown in such a condition; why positively it is 
quite spoil'd." 

Miss Pinwell, as the garment was exhibited, looked like a 
murderer gazing on the blood-stained dress of his victim, — 
" very pale." The female inquisitors, mistaking her confu- 
sion for vexation at the loss of her gown, changed their tone 
to those of real condolence. 

"It is a sad accident," observed the cook, "but grieving 
won't make it better, that's quite clear." 

"To be sure it won't," echoed the housemaid, "I dare 
say, if it is well got up, it will not look much the worse. It 
you will allow me, Miss Pinwell, I will wash it out with a 
few of my things this morning, and soon make all right." 

Miss Pinwell felt happy at the offer, promised some re- 
muneration, and, as the servants retired, hasted to assist her 
lady to dress. 

A few words of explanation satisfied Lady Bolio concern- 
ing the accident, while her vivid imagination depicted so 
plainly the ludicrous position in which Miss Pinwell must 
have stood, amidst the ruin she had made, that her alarm 
was succeeded by titillation, and she presently became con- 
vulsed with laughter. Miss Pinwell felt no objection to the 
affair so terminating, and in a short time she recovered her 
usual equanimity of spirits, and finished her attiring task 
with adroitness. 

Lady Bolio descended to the breakfast-parlour, and felt 
increasing anxiety to know how Claudius had passed the 
night. She had not finished her first cup of coffee, when she 
gave orders that Mr. Ferule might be requested to attend her. 
In a few minutes the servant returned with the woeful intel- 
ligence that Mr. Ferule had not yet risen. 

"Not yet risen!" exclaimed Lady Bolio, in evident alarm, 
"how is that?" she enquired, "it is much past his usual 
hour of rising, is it not ?" 

" Yes, my lady, two or three hours at least," replied the 
servant, " but John, my lady, who has been up to him with 
your ladyship's message, says he was roaring like a bull with 
pain ; he 'as got the, the, — I forgets what John called it, my 
lady, it was something like tobago." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 19 

" Lumbago, I suppose you mean," observed Lady Bolio 
pettishly. 

" Yes, my lady, that is it, sure enough ; but he said as 
your ladyship wanted him, he would be down directly." 

"By no means," replied her ladyship, "poor dear man; 
run, Betty, run instantly, and tell him not to disturb himself, 
tell him I'll despatch a messenger for Doctor Leachum im- 
mediately. So worthy a man shall have all the attention he 
deserves." Betty curtseyed and flew to do her mistress' 
bidding, while the lady herself soliloquised most pathetically, 

" Dear man, — surely such devoted, disinterested, and in- 
defatigable services as Mr. Ferule has lavished upon my fa- 
mily, demand all the attention I can give to him. If it were 
not that difew years of difference existed in our ages I should 
be jealous of myself, and fancy my warm feelings towards 
that worthy man were of too tender a nature. But no, no, 
that is impossible ; my own respectability and title forbid, — 
and yet he is highly respectable too ; and as for ages, why a 
few years, — some fifteen or twenty, or so, — but what am I 
thinking of, — poor dear man, mine is pure Platonic regard, I 
feel it is — nothing beyond that, I am certain. Bless me, how 
long the servants are ; I fear he is worse, — surely nothing 
serious, very serious, has happened. Where can they stay ?" 

Her ladyship's feelings were something more than platoni- 
cally excited. She rose from her chair, walked across the 
room, and looked out of the window without seeing any 
thing ; and, as the servant opened the door, enquired — "Well, 
Betty, have you delivered my message? — Is he better? — 
Does he wish to have the doctor sent for? — You desired 
him not to get up, did you?" 

" Yes, my lady,— No, my lady, — Yes, — No," — issued from 
Betty's lips in reply to the several questions proposed by her 
ladyship. 

"Well," said the lady, "what am I to understand? — Is 
he better?— will he have medical advice? — Is he still in pain? 
— Will he continue in bed ? Answer me distinctly and di- 
rectly. How long am I to wait for an answer ?" 

" Yes, — No, — Yes, — No," — reiterated Betty, again reply- 
ing to the several questions categorically. " He will be here 
directly, my lady; he was half dressed when I went to him — > 
that is, when I carried your last message. Nothing, he said, 
should confine him when your ladyship desired his at- 
tendance." 



20 THE RAMBLES OF 

The latter part of Betty's speech was like pouring oil upon 
a flame, or placing a lighted match to a train. The Platonic 
passion of her ladyship felt its influence, and she almost un- 
consciously exclaimed, "Dear, kind man!" and then, after a 
moment's pause, a significant motion of the head was a signal 
for Betty to make herself scarce, and she, upon the token 
being given, vanished. 

" Heigho !" sighed her ladyship, as she threw herself upon 
the sofa, " it is surely a great misfortune to be so excessively 
sympathetic as I am ; and yet it would be the climax of in- 
sensibility not to feel for one so devoted to the interests of 
my family as Mr. Ferule is." She rose, stood before a huge 
mirror which covered the chimney- front, and, quite uncon- 
scious of what she was doing, arranged her head-dress, ad- 
justed a straggling curl, and surveyed with something like 
complacency her face, and exclaimed pathetically — " Can it 
indeed be true that I am turned of sixty years of age ?" 

Once more she threw herself upon the sofa, as if entangled 
in a labyrinth of thought, from which she half wished, half 
feared, to be extricated. 

" Oh, the bliss, the pain of feeling !" had scarce been ut- 
tered by her, when a gentle tap, tap, tap, at the door suffused 
her face with a crimson hue, and scarcely left her power to 
articulate, " Come in." 

The door was opened, and in came, — not, as Lady Bolio 
had expected and desired, Mr. Ferule, but John the foot- 
man. 

" Well, Sir," said her ladyship sharply, " what may your 
business be ?" 

" Mr. Ferule, your ladyship, sends his respects," replied 
John, " and wishes to know when he shall wait upon your 
ladyship." 

" Oh, tell him, John," replied the lady in a softer tone, 
" I am waiting for him." 

John bowed, the lady eased her labouring bosom by a pro- 
found sigh, and Mr. Ferule, limping most admirably, and 
holding his left hand to his back, entered the room. Lady 
Bolio rose to receive him, and so much was she carried away 
by excessive sympathy and Platonic regard, as scarcely to 
know what she did. With astounding tenderness both of 
look and action, which her high esteem for him prompted, 
she led him to the sofa, and begged he would be seated. 
Mr. Ferule felt it his duty to obey, and, uttering a well-ex- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 21 

pressed and lengthened sigh, accompanied by the exclama- 
tion of " Oh, my back," he took his seat accordingly. 

All the agitation which the Tutor displayed was not as- 
sumed, he really did tremble from head to foot, fearing, as 
he had some reason to do, that the unusually early summons 
which he had received, was only the prelude to something 
much more unpleasant in reference to the preceding night. 
He knew himself guilty, and believed that every person who 
looked at him knew him to be so too, and therefore he ex- 
pected a severe lecture, and an instant dismissal from her 
ladyship's service. 

After a moment's pause, and one or two well-managed 
contortions of the face, he observed, "Your ladyship has 
some commands for me, I believe." 

" Yes," replied Lady Bolio, " I wished to see you parti- 
cularly" — Ferule trembled. " I have been disturbed the 
whole of the past night by distracting feelings." 

" I assure your ladyship," interrupted Ferule, " I am sorry 
to hear it, and feel ashamed beyond what I can express 
that—" 

" I know, Mr. Ferule," observed her ladyship soothingly, 
" your willingness to form excuses for every one ; I do not 
blame you." 

" Madam," interrupted the excited Tutor, " allow me to 
offer an apology, at least by way of extenuation of the cir- 
cumstance." 

"«No, no," rejoined Lady Bolio, "none, I am sure, is 
required. My son's disobedience required harsh treat- 
ment." 

" Your son, my lady," exclaimed Ferule, forgetting at the 
moment his pupil's imprisonment, his whole thought running 
Upon his liaison with Miss Pinwell ; instantly however he hit 
the right scent, and, in the deliverance which his agitated 
mind experienced, almost forgot his attack of lumbago. 

"You are very, very kind, Mr. Ferule," observed her 
ladyship, who laboured under another kind of mistake, " to 
make excuses for him." 

"Why, you know, my lady," rejoined Ferule, with inward 
exultation, " that my high regard for Master Claudius will 
not allow me to do otherwise ; although I fear I have re- 
ceived my present pain in consequence of the severe wetting 
which he gave me." 

" No doubt," said her ladyship, " you have. Let me send 



22 THE RAMBLES OF 

for the doctor, I insist upon it. The consequences may 
otherwise be serious, and I should never forgive myself." 

Ferule trembled more than ever, lest, if the doctor should 
come, the part he complained of might be examined, and the 
bruise which he bore upon his side and back might lead to 
some unwelcome enquiries and awkward expose. 

" I assure your ladyship," replied the little man, " I find 
myself better even already, and make no doubt another good 
night's rest will perfectly restore me. I feel your kindness, 
my lady, and hope to be grateful for it." 

Lady Bolio expressed her warm wishes that his expecta- 
tions might be realized, and then enquired if he felt himself 
equal to the task of visiting her son, concerning whom she 
declared she felt unusually anxious. As the Tutor was now 
considerably recovered, and improved every minute, he ex- 
pressed his readiness 1 1 repair instantly to the place of in- 
carceration. 

" If," said Lady Bolio, " you do not think it will be too 
much for you, I shall feel obliged beyond expression if you 
will once more attempt to convince Claudius of the impro- 
priety of his conduct." 

Mr. Ferule assured her ladyship he would attend to her 
wishes with the greatest pleasure, and making a profounder 
bow than usual to the sympathetic lady, he left the 
room. 

With more agility than could have reasonably been ex- 
pected, the Tutor ascended to the apartment which had been 
made Master Bolio's prison. The good favour in which he 
felt assured he now stood with the mother determined him 
to display his authority with the son; and making one or 
twoloud u hems" as heapproached theroom, — with the double 
purpose of raising his own spirit and preparing his pupil for 
a respectful reception, — he knocked gently, and then louder, 
at the door, but receiving no reply to his announcement, he 
threw a little more physical energy into his exertions to ob- 
tain a hearing, but with no better success. Supposing Clau- 
dius to be fast asleep, he turned the key, and the handle of 
the lock, for the purpose of opening the door, but felt in- 
creasing surprise that entrance was prohibited. He applied 
his eye to the key-hole, but could not see any thing. " Mas- 
ter Claudius !" he shouted through the same aperture, but 
neither echo nor reply met his listening ear. 

After spending nearly a quarter of an hour in unsuccess- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 23 

ful attempts to obtain entrance, he returned to Lady Bolio 
to report progress. 

" I fear, Madam," said Ferule as he re-entered the parlour, 
" Master Claudius is as stubborn as ever ; he will neither 
open the door to me, nor condescend to reply to my 
calls." 

" Indeed!" ejaculated Lady Bolio with surprise and alarm, 
"It is very strange!" and after a moment's pause she added, 
"Then take my authority, Mr. Ferule, and employ such 
means as your good sense will suggest to obtain an entrance. 
This renewed act of disrespect towards you, sir, shall meet 
its reward ; — the ungrateful boy !" 

The coachman, groom, and gardener, were immediately 
summoned; and, headed by the gallant Tutor as commander 
in chief of the "force ," they entered the garden, and raising 
a ladder to the window of the prison room, Mr. Ferule as- 
cended half a dozen rounds for the purpose of examining the 
apartment, or gaining an entrance that way; but his head 
turned giddy, and he was obliged, although unwillingly, to 
descend, and allow the gardener to take his place. 

" Well, Robert, do you see Master Claudius ?" cried Fe- 
rule, as the gardener peeped through the window. 

" Xo, Sir ; nothing like him," replied Robert. 

" Open the sash, then," said the Tutor, "and get into the 
room." 

" I can't, Sir," rejoined the gardener, " the window is fast 
enough inside, and, if it wasn't, I should not be able to 
squeeze myself between the bars." 

"Come down, then," directed Mr. Ferule, "we must con- 
trive to force an entrance at some other point." 

Robert accordingly descended, and having provided them- 
selves with sufficient apparatus, they approached the door of 
the chamber, and Mr. Ferule, in the name of Lady Bolio, 
called upon Master Claudius to surrender, with a promise of 
a full pardon upon so doing. Three distinct proclamations 
were made, but no answer being returned, the Tutor declared 
he could hold out capitulations no longer, and gave orders 
to his "force" to lay siege to the place. 

After considerably more labour than was expected, the as- 
sailants succeeded in forcing the door from its hinges, and 
forcing their bodies into the room. Ferule was the last who 
entered, fearing as he did the discharge of some deadly mis- 
sile at his head. But whc may presume to describe the con. 



24 THE RAMBLES OF 

sternation of the party, when, after the most diligent search, 
no traces of the sought-for person could be found? 

It was evident that he could not have made his exit by the 
way of the door or window, and as the chimney was the only 
remaining opening from the prison to liberty, it was unani- 
mously agreed that by it he had managed to escape. The 
"force" instantly adjourned to the garden, when from the 
place on which Mr. Ferule and Miss Pinwell had been so 
supernaturally visited, the remaining portion of the sacking 
cord was seen dangling from the chimney round which Clau- 
dius had placed it, and 

11 Confirmation, clear as holy writ," 

was afforded of the fact, that by that way he had managed to 
elude the vigilance of his gaoler. 

The sight of the cord occasioned an instant recussitation 
of hurried thoughts in the mind of Ferule, and the conviction 
flashed like lightning through him, of the character of the 
fiend by whom he had been so terribly alarmed. Cheering 
himself with the hope that he had not been discovered by the 
flying imp, he determined to keep his own secret, and not to 
discover himself. 

The mournful intelligence was instantly carried by the 
Tutor to Lady Bolio, who scarcely heard the tidings out be- 
fore she fell into the arms of Mr. Ferule, deprived of all con- 
sciousness. Whether in his confusion he forgot to ring the 
bell for help, or whether the agitated state of his nerves de- 
prived him of the power, is immaterial — ring he did not, but 
staggered with his heavy burden to the sofa, upon which he 
carefully deposited it, and then resorted to such means as 
were within his reach, or that appeared likely to restore her. 

He was leaning over her ladyship with considerable soli- 
citude, and tenderly chafing her temples, when, opening her 
eyes and seizing his hand in the excitement of the moment, 
she exclaimed, " O Mr. Ferule, what will become of me ? my 
peace and happiness are destroyed for ever I" 

Whether the fates were envious of the Tutor's situation, or 
it was decreed in his horoscope that he should be crossed in 
love, I know not; but just at the highly dramatic instant 
referred to, Miss Pinwell, who was yet ignorant of Claudius's 
escape, entered the apartment ; and seeing Mr. Ferule in such 
an attitude, and hearing Lady Bolio express herself in such 
ambiguous terms, her own condition of the preceding night 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 25 

was remembered ; and the dark suspicion entered her mind 
that a similar scene had just been exhibited between Ferule 
and her ladyship. 

The terrible rage of woman's jealousy instantly took pos- 
session of her, and flashed with fire from her eye, and burst 
in passion from her lips. 

" So ! Mr. Ferule," she exclaimed, grasping hold of the 
neck of the little man as she spoke, " thus it is you fulfil 
your vows of constancy to me ; thus it is you reward me for 
the favour I granted you last night ; but I'll be revenged on 
you for it, cost me what it may." 

u Miss Pin — well," squeeked out the Tutor, " let go my 
throat, and I'll satisfy you." 

" Don't Miss me !" cried the enraged girl ; " I have caught 
you in the fact." 

" What does all this mean, Mr. Ferule?" enquired Lady 
Bolio, raising herself up. Mr. Ferule was waxing black in 
the face, for Miss Pinwell had pinned him as fast as if he had 
been held in a vice ; and, therefore, instead of attending to 
her ladyship's interrogation, he was twisting and kicking to 
extricate himself from the placid Miss Pinwell's hold. Having 
succeeded, he seated himself, or rather sunk down, upon the 
sofa ; while Miss Pinwell turned, in true virago style, upon 
her ladyship. 

Now Lady Bolio felt conscious that her Platonic regard for 
Mr. Ferule was of rather a violent kind ; and fearing that she 
had unconsciously committed herself, she hesitated to call 
for help lest some disclosure should take place, so that Miss 
Pinwell kept almost undisputed possession of the field. 

" I heard the whole of it," screamed the waiting-maid, 
addressing her ladyship; "What will become of you in- 
deed ? — a lady at your time of life talking to a young man like 
Mr. Ferule, — monstrous ! But he has engaged himself tome; 
I hold his vows and promises in his own hand-writing; he 
knows I do." 

" Miss Pinwell," cried poor Ferule, once more gaining his 
breath, and hoping to soothe his fair inamorato to calmness. 

" Oh ! you faithless seducer," shouted Miss Pinwell; " you 
vile, false deceiver ! is it not sufficient you have ruined me, 
but you will now desert me too ?" 

" Dear Mr. Ferule," said her ladyship, turning to him for 
an explanation, — " what do I hear \ Do, I entreat you, give 
me an instant explanation." 



26 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Yes ; dear indeed I M reiterated Miss Pinwell. 

" I will explain all to your ladyship," replied Mr. Ferule. 
" Be calm," he added : " Miss Pinwell you do me wrong — 
upon my honour you do, and mistake me." 

" I have indeed mistaken you," rejoined Miss Pinwell; 
" but I do you no wrong — think of my reputation and then 
talk of wrong — and now thus basely to desert me I — oh ! 
oh ! oh !" sobbed out Miss Pinwell, and sunk upon the floor 
in a fainting fit. 

All the burning love of Ferule rose up instantly to the 
highest pressure ; and regardless of the presence of Lady 
Bolio, forgetful of his lumbago, and fearless of all discovery, 
he ran to the assistance of his prostrate lady-love. 

" Mr. Ferule, Mr. Ferule," shouted Lady Bolio, " what 
are you doing?" The agitated Tutor appeared not to hear 
her ladyship's address, so intent was he upon the condition 
of the fainting fair one. 

" My dear Miss Pinwell," cried Ferule, in the tenderest 
tones, " be composed ; I swear never to desert you." 

" Heyday ! Sir," cried Lady Bolio, " these are fine ex- 
pressions truly ; surely it is not all true that the girl has said 
— you surely cannot love a waiting-maid" 

By this time Mr. Ferule had raised Miss Pinwell from the 
floor, and was supporting her on one knee. He turned his 
eye upon her ladyship as she addressed him ; and although he 
uttered not a word, he looked to the life the sentimental stanza 
of Hudibras : — 

M Lady, to bid me not to love, 
Is to forbid my pulse to move ; 
My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 
Or when I'm in the fit, to hiccup." 

Her ladyship seemed to understand the look ; for her strong 
Platonic affection veered round instantly to stoical antipathy ; 
and in the sublimity of her spleen she acquainted Ferule, with 
all befitting dignity of tone and action, she should not any 
longer require his services in her family ; and then turning 
to the reviving Miss Pinwell, observed, " I cannot retain in 
my establishment a person who, by her own confession, has 
disgraced it." These small matters being settled, all the 
strength of her affection rushed towards her dear lost Clau- 
dius, and she directed immediately that the servants should 
take horses and ride in different directions in search of the 
fugitive. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. %f 



CHAPTER IV. 

" And thrice the Sibyl cross'd her hand, 
And utter'd thrice a groan ; 
And thrice with speech of foreign land 
Invok'd some power unknown." 

Scott. 

While these important events were transpiring at the Hall, 
Claudius was receiving lessons from learned masters in the 
art and mystery of fortune-telling, and other slight embel- 
lishments connected with the craft. After a fortnight's drill- 
ing he was considered sufficiently instructed to undertake a 
tour, in company with an elder of the fraternity. 

It is worthy an observation, en passant, as illustrative of 
this part of our history, that the whole gypsy community 
moves as regularly as the planetary system. Each company 
has its given limits and engagements, while an established 
and effective correspondence is carried on by the agency of 
individuals 'ycleped "modern mercuries," or swift-footed 
messengers ; so that a work which requires the assistance of 
numbers, or any information which will facilitate enterprise, 
is supplied with a promptitude which nothing but systematic 
order could possibly accomplish. With the view of escaping 
discovery, or prevent,in general, detection, they assume every 
kind of garb, and take up with almost every profession. By 
this means, too, they become possessed of such extensive in- 
formation as empowers them to exercise their arts upon the 
superstitious, and enables them to defraud the unwary. 
None, in fact, but those who have been regularly initiated, 
can fully comprehend their manoeuvres, or understand the ca- 
balistic jargon they adopt. 

During the expedition upon which Claudius and his gypsy 
companion were despatched, comprehending the western di- 
vision of Hampshire, an opportunity was furnished for our 
hero to display his precocious talents. 

The fair complexion of Claudius gave to his dyed skin the 
appearance of a good-looking brunette, and enabled him, with- 
out fear of detection, to don the female garb. A chip hat 
hanging carelessly on one side of his head, beneath which 
hung raven-coloured hair in rich profusion, gave an archness 
to his appearance which could scarce fail to attract attention. 
His figure, which was tall and slender, was enveloped in a 

c2 



28 THE RAMBLES OF 

faded plaid cloak, while upon his arm dangled a basket of 
light manufacture, containing threads, tapes, stay-laces, and 
numerous other etceteras. 

He had not proceeded far into Andover, — his female com- 
panion having arranged to meet him on the opposite side, — 
before he attracted the notice of a fashionably dressed female. 
In a moment Claudius's quick eye met those of the young 
lady's — a significant glance, well understood by the assumed 
gypsy girl, drew him from the public street into a lane on 
the back side of the town. 

" Can you/' enquired the female, " satisfy my enquiring 
mind respecting an engagement into which I wish to enter ? 
if so, I will reward you for your pains." 

Claudius, in strict accordance with the mystery of his pro- 
fession, gazed for a few seconds in speechless attention upon 
her, as if his penetrating glance would pierce the fleshly sub- 
stance which appeared before him, and read the wishes of her 
soul : and then replied with measured emphasis, — 

" Lady, I can." By the trepidation she manifested he at 
once perceived she was either in fear of being discovered, or 
in excessive haste ; the former he considered the most proba- 
ble, and with provoking deliberation added : — " Our present 
place of meeting, Lady, at this hour, is not convenient. You 
judge rightly that we may be surprised. You have watchers 
about you — meet me here to-morrow, one hour after sun-set ; 
I will then inform you concerning him you wish to know, 
and of the fate which awaits you respecting another. Be 
punctual and be silent ; much that regards yourself in the 
future depends on it." 

" I will," replied the female, awed by the solemnity of tone 
which Claudius assumed. " Take this," she added, putting 
a broad piece of silver into his hand, " as an earnest of what 
you may expect." 

Claudius dropped a well-managed curtsey to the fair 
donor, and then, dropping the coin into his pocket, bade her 
" good night ;" and, at the same time, assuming the appear- 
ance of careless indifference, sauntered slowly away. He 
took good care, however, not to allow the maiden to escape 
his concealed leer, but followed her retreating steps until he 
saw her enter a well-built house at the upper end of the town. 
Having so done, he hasted to join his companion, and weave 
a web in which to catch the fluttering moth which had now 
thrown herself in his way. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 29 

" Follow me, Prycat," whispered Claudius to his associate 
the moment he met her ; " I have tidings to communicate, 
and want your assistance/' 

Having drawn her from observation, he informed the prac- 
tised hag in a few words of his interview with the female, and 
the engagement he had made. 

" And what," enquired Prycat, " do you intend to make 
of this ?" 

w All I can," replied Claudius. 

" And that ally" retorted the gypsy, " will make a slen- 
der supper for a hungry man, I judge. Why did you delay 
your business until to-morrow? no time is like the present; 
she may change her mind." 

" I have no fear of that," answered Claudius ; " and why 
I delayed the business was because I wished to obtain in- 
formation." 

" Pshaw !" exclaimed Prycat, wishful to exercise our hero 
in his business, " how is that to be got at here, where we are 
entire strangers ?" 

"So much the better that we are strangers," answered 
Claudius, " we shall be the less suspected. I must for a few 
hours change my dress, and to-night, while I entertain the 
company of a public-house, which I perceived was only a few 
doors from the lady's residence, I will obtain such news of 
herself and family as will serve my purpose." 

" Good !" said the sibyl, " well spoken and better planned. 
In the mean time I will take care to glean up such matters, 
from the servants and others, as shall secure you success; 
manage this affair well, and your character will be estab- 
lished/' 

In less than five minutes, the lady Claudius had just left 
would not have known him. Beneath his female attire he 
wore his own masculine habit ; his black wig was superseded 
by a red one, and an old black hat, which was concealed by 
the article which he carried in his basket, crowned the whole 
of his dress. Part of his thrown-off garments were added 
to those his companion wore, while the remainder were 
stowed away in the basket, which was now taken charge of 
by the old gipsy. 

Thus equipped, as the day closed in, Claudius entered the 
tap-room of the public-house, and after performing a number 
of tricks for the amusement of those who were present, he 
accepted the invitation of a half-intoxicated loquacious bar- 



30 THE RAMBLES OP 

ber, to share his pint with him ; to this he good-naturedly 
consented, and soon engaged him in a conversation which 
reached the top of his expectation. 

" I judge," observed Claudius, "your trade flourishes in 
Andover, or else you are a master at your business." 

" Why, as to trade," replied the Barber, " we need not 
complain ; hair you know will grow, and beards will thrive ; 
and as to my abilities, why, though I, Jem Frizzle, says it, I 
can turn a raser, handle a pair of sissers, and dress a lady's 
front with any chap in the trade. Why it was only an hour 
ago I was sent for to dress the hair of the first lady in our 
town, the beautiful Miss Winkle, the daughter of a retired 
Banker, at the large house just above us, with the large lamp 
before the door." 

" Indeed !" said Claudius, gratified with the information, 
and hoping to obtain more as this was the very house into 
which he had seen his applicant enter, — " a little girl of the 
Banker's, I suppose?" he added. 

"No such thing, I suppose," rejoined Frizzle, "a fine 
young lady, I assures you, and on the pint of marriage, — no, 
there I am wrong, they wishes her, that is, her old mother 
does, to marry an old feller with scarce a smasher in his head, 
a Mr. — — , I forgets his name just now, he keeps one of these 
here notorious gaming-houses in Lunnun, where the flats are 
cotched by the sharps — Mr. " 

" No matter what his name is," said Claudius with appa- 
rent carelessness, although at the same time wishing most 
fervently that he might remember it, " all names are alike to 
me you know, as I am a stranger here." 

" T have it," said the Barber, slapping the table, " by gosh 
I have, — Raggett, — aye, that is it ; well, as I was a saying, 
because he has got plenty of blunt the old "woman wishes 
Miss Maria, who is a very angel of sixteen or so, to marry 
him ; but as I hears she is desperately in love with her cousin 
Charley Mansfield, a substantial young farmer, and deter- 
mines, that is, if she can, to marry him ; how the affair will 
end, I can't tell of course, — but our pot is out, shall we fill 
it again, my fine chap, eh ?" 

Our hero was so full of the information he had received, 
which was so directly to his purpose, that he declined drink- 
ing any longer with the Barber, and making an excuse that 
he had another call to make, he wished Frizzle good-night, 
and went to the meeting place of his companion. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 31 

As soon as Prycat was informed by Claudius of his suc- 
cess, she protested most solemnly, that if he continued thus 
to display ability in his business, he would soon be placed at 
the top of his profession. 

" Let me give you one word of advice/' observed the wily 
beldame, " before you finish the young lady's fortune, let her 
cross your hand with the king's picture ; you understand ?" 

" Let me alone for that," interrupted Claudius, " a prime 
minister, even, will not perform an act of duty without his 
fee, nor a lawyer advise his client without a tip ; I'll see to it, 
that the important information I am to communicate shall be 
paid for." 

True as music, Claudius, habited in his female toggery, 
attended at the place of assignation on the following evening, 
at the time appointed ; but the lady, who was a great reader 
of Walter Scott, borne away by the excitement of his fasci- 
nating tales, and her own anxieties, felt all the magnanimity 
of the heroine glowing in her bosom, and, wishful to know 
the hidden will of fate, had preceded the being from whose 
lips she was in expectation of learning her future destiny. 

" So, lady," observed Claudius as he approached her, "you 
are anxious, it would appear, to know what awaits you in the 
future, and well you may ; another, placed in Miss Winkle's 
condition, would not feel less." 

"Miss Winkle !" exclaimed the lady in a suppressed tone, 
but under strong excitement, " am I then known by you ?" 

"Known!" rejoined Claudius, "ah, ah! if I could not 
tell your name, lady, how would it be possible, suppose you, 
I should inform you of the names of other persons ?" 

" Others !" echoed Miss Winkle. The moon at this mo- 
ment broke in brightness from behind a cloud, and its clear 
light fell upon the lady, discovering to Claudius the agita- 
tion under which she laboured. 

" You wish to consult me," observed the fortune-teller. 

" I do," answered the maiden faintly. 

" Give me your right hand, lady," said he. 

Trembling with excitement, but without hesitating, she 
drew off her glove at his bidding and presented her palm. 

"I perceive," observed Claudius, after examining most 
carefully the soft white hand which he held, " I perceive 
various configurations here, which assure me your mind is 
disturbed by certain matters of a momentous kind, involving 
your future happiness and prosperity. Here are lines which 



32 THE RAMBLES OP 

point to age and riches, by the side of which I behold the 
letter R, faintly developed." 

" Gracious heavens 1" exclaimed the trembling girl, "what 
will become of me ?" 

" Be calm, lady, be calm," observed Claudius solemnly, 
" or I cannot proceed." 

"I will, I will," said Miss Winkle, "let me know all." 

"You have a mother living, I perceive, and if I understand 
the occult sciences," said the assumed gipsy girl, "she is 
no idle spectator in an affair of love, and the Fates decree that 
you should marry." 

" Do they indeed ?" sighed Miss Winkle most piteously. 

" They do," replied Claudius, " but is there in marriage 
any thing so very objectionable as to alarm you ?" 

" Oh, no — no," replied the maiden, " not in marriage, — no, 
no, but — " 

" Take courage, lady, take courage," said Claudius sooth- 
ingly, " cross my hand with a piece of money ; I perceive I 
have good news yet for you." 

With as much cheerfulness and haste as if the purchase 
of a full remission of the sentence of death was about to be 
made, Miss Winkle drew her purse string, and a shining 
half-sovereign was placed in the palm of the fortune-teller's 
hand. The lady's confidence in the art of palmistry was 
hereby fully proved, and Claudius felt bound and encouraged 
to proceed. 

"These concave lines," said he, "denote sorrow and con- 
flict, — a crooked path, but safe termination ; sorrow at the 
commencement, but joy in the sequel. You are beloved, fair 
lady, by one who is equally attached to you, — bound too, as I 
see, by ties of blood, — vows have been interchanged, lady — 
tokens have been given and received — have you not a liking 
for agriculture ?" 

"Why do you ask me such a question?" enquired the 
blushing, trembling girl. 

" Because I perceive," replied Claudius, " by these blue 
veins, crossed at the top by lines which intersect at right- 
angles, ploughs, harrows, reap-hooks. Here too is a fine 
young man of fair complexion and manly figure ; the letter 
M is clear and bold, half-concealing, and yet firmly uniting 
with W ; you are to be a happy bride soon, the mother of 
many children, and to be united to the man of your heart." 

Nothing in the world could be plainer than that the for- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 33 

tune-teller knew all about it, and no predictions could have 
been half so pleasing to Miss Maria Winkle as those to 
which she had just listened. She could ill conceal the extacy 
of her heart, and nearly fainted with rapture. Putting another 
half-sovereign into the learned woman's hand, she wished 
her " good night," and with the lightness of a sylph, and the 
fleetness of a fawn, she bounded to her home, determining, 
mentally, that, as it was ordained by fate she should be wed 
to her cousin Mansfield, no promises, persuasions, or perse- 
cutions, should induce her to become the wife of an old, de- 
crepit, toothless gambler. 

The uncommon success of our hero in this his first essay, 
raised him considerably in the estimation of the fraternity, 
so that when next they met, which was at the end of another 
week on the borders of the forest, to render an account of 
their several exploits to their head or captain, he received 
the most flattering encomiums that functionary could bestow. 

Jealousy is not confined to the cabinets of princes or the 
drawing-rooms of dowagers. It rages with equal violence, 
and proceeds from the same source, — pride, or self-esteem, — 
among all ranks and in all societies. Even here, in the 
Gipsy camp, it had obtained a footing, and issued in conse- 
quences which none could foresee. 

The high estimation to which Claudius had risen in so 
short a time offended one of the party, who considered that 
his deeds had been overlooked or underrated, and judging 
that the growing popularity of his young rival would con- 
tinue to throw him deeper into shade, he determined to de- 
vise some plan, by which, either to remove him from the 
camp, or sink him in the estimation of the community. An 
occasion soon occurred which enabled him to put into execu- 
tion his dastardly design. 

At a distance of something more than three miles from the 
encampment was an extensive farm, the occupier of which 
had, on more than one occasion, set some of the body right 
in reference to trifling mistakes they had made respecting 
certain property, such as a strayed sheep, a little poultry, or 
provender for a horse, by calling in the eloquence of an offi- 
cial of the law to convince them that the inclosures they had 
entered were parts and parcels of the farm which he rented. 

A few nights only had passed since Philip M'Sheen, alias 
Slipgibbet Phil, had been most unceremoniously ejected from 
the said farm-yard, after being well soused in the horse-pond, 
c5 



34 THE RAMBLES OF 

simply for attempting to stop the quacking of a duck which 
had by some accident fallen into one of the pockets of his 
coat, and then, poking his head therefrom, sent forth such 
discordant sounds as greatly to disturb the taste of his mu- 
sical ear. 

It now occurred to Slipgibbet, that this indignity would 
furnish a fine opportunity to him, to accomplish a two-fold 
object, namely, to avenge himself upon the farmer and ruin 
his rival. He was as crafty as he was depraved, and had 
already learned, that while Claudius felt no objection to such 
freaks as fortune-telling involved, he felt less complaisance 
in deeds where injury of person or property were associated. 
It was therefore a settled point in his depraved mind, that 
should he propose that Claudius should accompany him in 
his enterprise to the farm, he would object to do so, and by 
that means he might be able to charge him with cowardice, 
and so sink him in the estimation of his fellows, or, should 
he consent to become his partner, he might so arrange it as 
to involve him in disaster and then leave him to his fate. 

Having thus resolved in his mind, and partly matured his 
plan, he embraced the fittest opportunity to broach his de- 
sign ; that is, when the influence of drink had so far pre- 
vailed as to render some of the most ferocious of the party 
prepared for any act, and more especially a deed of revenge. 

" I say," observed Slipgibbet, without addressing himself 
to any particular person, " are we to pay off the score we 
owes the gentleman at the farm yonder ; or shall we quietly 
pocket the affront, and suffer him to insult us in our calling 
with compunity ? You know/' he continued, " it is always a 
maxim in a good government, that if any foreign power, what- 
somever, dares to moslest any of its members, instantly to de- 
clair war against them, right or wrong. Well now, what I 
thinks is just this : we is a government ; one of your worthy 
members, — that is myself by course, — has been insulted, and 
we ought to taliate." 

Two or three voices roared out at the same time, as the 
" worthy member" sat down, " Bravo I Slipgibbet, you de- 
serve to be placed at the head of the government for that ere 
speech." 

"And depend upon it he will be raised," observed a face- 
tious little fellow, " either by having a garter buckled round 
his leg, or a cord tied round his neck." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 35 

" Chafing aside !" growled Slipgibbet. " What say you to 
my observation ?" 

" What do you propose ?" asked an old wrinkled female 
form. 

" What ?" replied Slipgibbet, " why I propose to give fire 
for water to be sure — they boiled me, and I'd roast them." 

As Claudius heard the proposition, he shuddered ; — at the 
thought of bloodshed and destruction his soul sickened, and 
for the first time he wished himself away from his compa- 
nions ; and drew a hasty comparison between the Gypsy camp 
and his mother's hall. Very slight opposition to the proposal 
existed among the band; or rather, to the act itself. none 
offered any objection. 

" How is it to be accomplished?" enquired one. 
" How?" shouted Slipgibbet ; " easy enough I assure you." 
" But if w r e should be discovered," said another. 
" Discovered !" roared Phil, " Ah, ah, ah ; have you for- 
got Sussex, Wiltshire, and Kent ? — discovered ! what, after at 
least a score of illuminations, are we not able to keep our 
own secret? — I wouldn't give that," said he, snapping his 
finger and thumb, " for a coward. Will you," he continued, 
" leave it to me to do the job ? I only wishes one to assist 
me in the affair, and by this time to-morrow night the busi- 
ness shall be done." 

" It can't be left in better hands," said one who appeared 
the priestess of the orgie. " Make your selection, Phil, of a 
companion." 

" Are ye all agreed then ?" enquired Slipgibbet. 
" All," shouted the clan. 

" Then I shall have this chap to go with me," said he, 
slapping Claudius on the shoulder ; u this bout will prove 
what sort of stuff the young feller is made of, as well as teach 
him a trick or two more than he knows." 

Claudius felt a cold sweat ooze from his forehead as the 
hand of the Gypsy fell upon him — all power of objection 
appeared taken from him ; — he determined, however, not to 
participate in the murderous design which was contemplated, 
but at any risk to warn the family of its danger, and, if 
possible, save it and the property from destruction. 

The plan proposed by Slipgibbet was to dress himself in 
the character of a rat-catcher, while Claudius was to act as 
his servant ; and in that disguise he felt fully confident 
he should obtain an entrance into some of the barns, and 



36 



THE RAMBLES OF 



effect his purpose. Accordingly, on the following day, they 
sallied forth from the encampment about two in the after- 
noon, habited as became their assumed profession ; having the 
badge of their calling slung round their shoulders, and a 
plentiful supply of ferrets confined in a bag, while in one of 
similar size they concealed two or three full grown rats, in 
order to make sure of catching some at the farm. 

Between three and four they reached the devoted place ; 
and Slipgibbet, in a well assumed Yorkshire dialect, enquired 
for the " measter." His unsuspecting victim appeared in a 
few minutes ; and after the rat-catcher had assured him he 
had some of the best ferrets in the country, and offered to 
wager the coat on his back that in less than a quarter of an 
hour he would produce some "varmint" from any of the barns 
he chose to select, an agreement was made, and they entered 
one to pursue their work. 

Within the time that had been specified, two rats of mon 
strous growth were caught in the bags which they carried, 
and with these Claudius was despatched to exhibit them to 
the farmer as a proof of the skill of his master. This ap- 
peared a favourable opportunity for Claudius to put his be- 
nevolent design into execution, and he whispered the farmer, 
" Sir, you are in danger ; the rat-catcher is a Gypsy who 
seeks your destruction — I will tell you more presently." 

He feared lest if he held long conversation with the farmer, 
Slipgibbet might suspect him ; he therefore hasted back to 
inform him of the farmer's satisfaction ; who promised that if 
in half an hour's time two more rats as fine as those just 
taken were shown to him, a good lunch should be given to 
them. This delay answered a double purpose : it gave Slip- 
gibbet time to look about him for a proper place in which to 
deposit his combustible matter, as well as afforded the farmer 
an opportunity to secure assistance, if necessary, without ex- 
citing alarm. 

The barn in which they were was so situated, that in con, 
sequence of its contiguity to several other buildings, and a 
strong current of wind which blew in a favourable direction, 
a few seconds only could elapse, after ignition had taken 
place, before the whole premises must of necessity be in 
flames. 

Slipgibbet had already deposited a considerable portion of 
phosphorus among a heap of dry straw, beside a large quan- 
tity of un thrashed corn, to which was attached a slow match, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 3? 

of such a length as that several hours would elapse before it 
was consumed, which he intended to light as he left the place 
in the evening. 

That a man with such terrible purposes in hand should 
have been sufficiently collected to allow his thoughts to turn 
to any other subject, demonstrates that he must have pos- 
sessed nerves of iron stubbornness. Yet so it was ; his ani- 
mal appetite was as strong as his moral propensities were 
depraved and vicious. Hence the expected supply of strong 
beer and bread and bacon, which his unsuspecting victim 
had promised, on the condition that by a certain hour two 
more rats should be produced, was kept in mind, and at the 
time appointed his assistant was despatched with the full- 
grown vermin which had been caught, not among the far- 
mer's grain, but in the bag that he had brought with him. 

With a tremor which our hero's caution could but ill 
conceal, he retreated from the barn in search of its owner. 

" All is prepared, sir/' said Claudius, as he presented the 
rats to the farmer. 

"What is prepared?" asked the honest husbandman. 

"That, sir," replied Claudius, "which, if allowed to take 
the intended effect, will, before to-morrow's sun is up, reduce 
the whole of these premises, and it may be those who inhabit 
them, to ashes. 

" Merciful Providence !" exclaimed the farmer, astounded 
by the intelligence to which he listened, "what mean you? 
Speak out instantly, or — " 

" Softly, Sir, softly," rejoined Claudius with all the com- 
posure he could muster. " If you raise your voice greatly 
above a whisper all may be discovered, and I shall pay dear 
for my wish to serve you. Suspicion, Sir, has sharp ears. 
I tell you," continued the youth, " that unless proper means 
are employed to prevent it, your house and barns are de- 
voted to fire !" 

The announcement seemed to act electrically upon both 
the body and mind of the farmer. He started, as if a gaping 
chasm had yawned beneath his feet, and staggering a few- 
paces, saved himself from falling by seizing hold of the wheel 
of a cart which stood near him. 

"How have I deserved this?" he enquired, "what fiend 
in human form has planned the diabolical scheme? As I 
hope for mercy, I know i\ot any fellow-being whom I have 
intentionally wronged, or wantonly injured." 



38 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Do you not remember," enquired Claudius, "a Gypsy, who 
some few nights since was thrown into your horse-pond?" 

"Ah," exclaimed the farmer, as the fact was suddenly 
brought to his recollection, " I do ; and has he determined 
upon such bloody revenge for the punishment his crimes 
called for ?" 

" He has," answered Claudius, " but I have determined to 
save you. Hush!" he added, laying his hand upon the 
farmer's arm, as he was about to give utterance to his excited 
feelings, and leave the place, "remember my caution. I 
must leave }ou a while, or he will take alarm and escape, 
and then some future opportunity will be found to execute 
his purpose, while some willing associate will further his 
design. My presence with him will lull all suspicion, and, 
until we leave, all will be well. You may depend upon me. 
Have some men ready to assist you, and, when I give you a 
signal, seize him." 

So saying* Claudius hasted with the supply of provision 
he had received to join the assumed rat-catcher. 

" Well done !" shouted Slipgibbet to Claudius as he entered 
the barn with a can of beer and a good supply of eatables, 
" but you have been somewhat longer than I expected ;" he 
added, " they were unwilling, I suppose, to part with what 
they had promised, the greedy curs, — Eh?" 

" Not so," replied Claudius, fearing lest his jealous suspi- 
cion should take alarm, " but the rats were an object of cu- 
riosity. Such handsome grown ones they had never before 
seen on the premises, and they account you a good hand at 
your business." 

" Ah, ah, ah !" roared Slipgibbet, " do they so? that's right, 
my boy, and they shall find presently I do understand my 
business well ; and I'll do it properly, I promise them. But 
let us try the strength of their home-brewed," he added as 
he seized the can, and, applying it to his mouth, drew a long 
and deep draught from it. " Why that's not so bad," he 
observed, slapping his lips ; " much better than the muddy 
water of the horse-pond," he whispered, " but I'll be quits 
with them, or may a neckcloth of hemp keep my neck warm ; 
fire for water they shall have, with fuU interest." 

Once more he raised the vessel to his lips, and, before he 
drank, whispered, "Here's success to our plan, and may 
every man be rewarded as he deserves." 

" I am sure it will be no fault of mine if it is not so," ob- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 39 

served Claudius ; " at least I'll do all I can in the business ; 
and I think the farmer here deserves all he is likely to meet 
with." 

" That's well said," rejoined Slipgibbet, " I like you, my 
lad, for that ; you have more spirit than I ever supposed you 
had. But a thought has struck me since you left the barn. 
We had as well I think share in the spoil as let the fire have 
all : while you amuse yourself with the ferrets in the large 
barn yonder, I'll run back to the camp, and bring with me a 
few of our comrades. Say nothing of my absence, and no 
suspicion will be entertained of my leaving ; in an hour's 
time I will return." 

During the time that Claudius had been in conversation 
with the farmer the fiend-like Gypsy had set light to the 
slow match, and, by the artful manoeuvre which he now pro- 
posed, he intended to accomplish two objects. The first was, 
to draw away his companion from the fire, lest when left 
alone he should be tempted to extinguish it, and so frustrate 
his purpose of destruction ; and secondly, supposing the fire 
should not spread to the extent of his wishes, that the whole 
of the blame might be thrown upon the youth, while himself 
and his fellows, to whom he purposed offering some excuse 
for Claudius' absence, might effect their escape. 

Bad as our hero's opinion was of Slipgibbet, it was fair and 
bright as an angel's, compared with his actual character. 
Stn% the proposal he had just made of leaving him for a 
while occasioned some misgiving in his mind as to his real 
intention. To allow his suspicions to be perceived by the 
incendiary, he was aware would destroy his merciful project 
of saving the farmer and his family, and therefore he pre- 
tended eagerly to fall in with the proposed plan ; secretly 
determining, at the same time, to give information to the far- 
mer of the Gypsy's departure. 

Having consumed as much of the provision as they felt 
disposed to eat, they collected their rat-catching paraphernalia 
together, and walked with it into another barn, from whence, 
after making some pretended arrangements for future opera- 
tions, and cautioning Claudius once more against allowing 
his absence to be known, the artful villain cautiously stole 
forth, leaving, in intention, his young companion, as a de- 
voted victim to sanguinary jealousy ! 



43 THE RAMBLES OP 



CHAPTER V. 

•• Dost see those fellows ?— Note them well, sweet Coz— 
'Tis but in finance, and in paltry garb 
That slender disagreement may be trac'd. 
In all that forms the man, they closely pair. 
One robs by legal license, and is hail'd 
A holy, just, and honourable man; 
The other has no law to gild his deeds, 
But with a blushless front pursues his course, 
And bears the public odium of Rogue !" 

Beaumont. 

A few minutes only had elapsed after the Gypsy's departure, 
which brief period Claudius had employed in deliberating 
upon the course he had best pursue, when the conviction 
suddenly flashed upon his mind, with all the crushing in- 
fluence of positive assurance, that his companion had out- 
witted and intended to betray him— his remaining there 
alone would be proof against him of criminality, and by the 
loss of his fellow he had lost every evidence which he might 
have adduced of his innocency ; so, in the perplexity of his 
mind, he reasoned. That the fire was already burning slowly 
which was to lay the entire premises in ashes, never occurred 
to him, or he would have conceived his own destruction cer- 
tain ; all his thought rested upon Slipgibbet's departure alone, 
and of that he hastened to give the necessary information. 

Never did the beat of drum, the loud blast of the trumpet, 
or the cry of " To arms ! to arms !" shouted through a camp 
or a city, produce greater effect than the tidings which Clau- 
dius communicated. In a moment the farm- yard became a 
scene of ludicrous bustle and confusion, as if an armed body 
was preparing to charge the alarmed bumpkins at the point 
of the bayonet. Pitchforks, spades, reaping-hooks, hedge- 
stakes, and a variety of etcetera, were instantly in requisition, 
and a regular troop of heavy brigade stood marshalled before 
Claudius — 

" Who languish'd for the fight, and beat the air 
With brandish'd weapons;" 

to whom they looked for the word of command, by directing 
them in the most likely way of pursuit. The farmer, with a 
portion of his men, sallied forth in one direction, while the 
remainder, headed by a spirited volunteer, took another, each 
party beating with a strong desire to capture the fugitive. 
Meanwhile the sharp-witted Gypsy, anticipating the con- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 41 

sequences which would result from his departure being dis- 
covered, and in order to secure, as far as possible, a good and 
safe retreat, had taken a contrary direction to the one which 
Claudius had expected, and clearing, with the agility of a 
greyhound, every impediment to his course, soon found him- 
self at a good distance from the farm-yard. 

After an hour's fruitless search, and fatigued with scaling 
gates, leaping ditches, and forcing their way through quick- 
set hedges, one party returned just in time to prevent a ge- 
neral conflagration taking place. The slow-match had fallen 
from the position in which Slipgibbet had placed it, which 
coming in contact with a quantity of wet straw at the bottom 
of the barn, a thick volume of smoke arose from the smoul- 
dering heap, filling all the place, and issuing in alarming 
quantities from every aperture at which it could escape. 

The fearful discovery was first made by Claudius, who was 
at no loss for a moment to conceive of the cause. Giving on 
the instant the alarm of " Fire I" he rushed, with a daring in- 
trepidity through the suffocating cloud of smoke, to where 
the combustible matter had been laid by Slipgibbet, which 
having secured, his worst fears were considerably allayed, 
and by the application of a plentiful supply of water, the few 
sparks which had appeared were soon extinguished, without 
any further loss being sustained than the destruction of a few 
trusses of straw. 

As soon as the complete safety of the barns and their con- 
tents was ascertained, the attention of the inmates of the 
farm-house was directed to the young Gypsy, whose generous 
conduct had been the means of their preservation. 

Nothing short of Claudius 5 being introduced into the best 
parlour would satisfy tha feelings of the grateful Mrs. Prim- 
rose, the farmer's wife, and therefore, partly to gratify the 
curiosity of her four daughters with the sight of a Gypsy 
boy, and partly to acknowledge their obligations to him, he 
was, with as much form almost as would accompany the in- 
troduction of an ex- mayor, or the ruling steward of a Lord, 
ushered into the apartment. 

" Bless me !" cried Miss Kate, in a rather loud whisper to 
her sister, as Claudius entered the room, " what a nice look- 
ing lad he is for a Gypsy boy. Well, really I always con- 
ceived those people were a coarse, smoke-dyed, withered set 
of creatures, enough to shake one's nerves to look upon." 

" Hush, Kate," said her sympathising sister Patty, " the 



42 THE RAMBLES OF 

poor wretches are flesh and blood as we are, and I dare say, 
if some of them were possessed of advantages such as we 
possess, they would not be very much our inferiors." 

The other two girls were more timid than their elder sister, 
and therefore, to escape from the Gypsy boy, whose very 
name terrified them, they had taken their places behind their 
mamma's old fashioned high-backed chair, from whence they 
stole occasionally some sly and fearful glances at the stranger. 

" My dear," said Mrs. Primrose, addressing herself to 
Claudius as he entered, '* I feel I am greatly indebted to you 
for the kindness you have displayed in rescuing myself and 
family from the cruel designs of that unprincipled man with 
whom you came hither. But, surely you are not one of 
their company. I fear you have been the victim of their base 
designs, and that some fond parent has been made to mourn 
your loss." 

Claudius felt himself placed in awkward circumstances, 
and had not his pride opposed, the touching observation 
which the farmer's wife had made would have drawn from 
him a full disclosure of the truth. This, however, he deter- 
mined not to do; and yet to continue longer on the present 
topic would almost compel him to break his resolve ; he 
therefore contrived naturally to shift the conversation, by 
replying that he had done no more than his duty in the 
course which he had pursued, and, therefore, no thanks were 
due to him. 

" I dare say, now," whispered Kate to her sister, " he could 
tell us our fortunes ; la, how I do wish mamma would leave 
the room. I am determined to ask him." 

"Why, yes," responded Patty, "no doubt he could. I 
should like it above all things. How can we manage it ? No 
doubt we should learn how long we are to wait before we 
have houses of our own. At least we might learn whether 
the gentlemen ever intend to propose or not. What shall 
we do to accomplish it ? Cannot you think of something 
Kate ?" 

"Why, I am thinking," replied Kate, "it would be a great 
pity to lose so fair an opportunity as may never again occur." 

While the elder misses were thus conversing aside on a 
subject in which they felt beyond expression interested, the 
little ladies had crept from their hiding-place, and were ex- 
amining, with a mixture of surprise and curiosity, the dress 
and appearance of the Gypsy boy. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 43 

" I am sure," said the youngest, " I should not like to be 
a Gypsy man. Should you Ann ?" 

" No, that I should not, nor a Gypsy girl either," answered 
the little one. " How long have you been a Gypsy boy ?" 
inquired the artless girl. 

Claudius felt uneasy. The question was much more direct 
than he wished or expected, and while attempting to stammer 
out some evasion, he was relieved from his trepidation by 
the return of Mr. Primrose and his party. 

" Well, my dear Mr. Primrose," exclaimed his wife, as he 
entered the parlour, " Have you succeeded in securing the 
miscreant ?" 

"I have not, my love," returned her husband; "he has 
fairly escaped us this time. I have, however, given infor- 
mation of the encampment of the party in the wood, so that 
the nest will be broken up ; and unless they make a very 
sudden retreat some of them will be secured." 

A few words of explanation followed, touching the fire 
which had just been extinguished ; interlarded with which, 
were encomiums of the warmest character upon the conduct 
which Claudius had displayed upon the occasion, which 
flowed from the kind-hearted Mrs. Primrose with the smooth- 
ness of oil and the richness of nectar. 

"You are a worthy lad," observed the farmer, turning to 
Claudius, " and if you are disposed to leave your old life and 
reside with me, I'll engage to take care and put you in a way 
to obtain an honest living. What say you ? — are you willing 
to have me for a master ? I promise you not to forget the 
service you have already rendered me, and such treatment as 
such service merits you may depend upon receiving." 

The bargain was soon struck between them ; and, as Mr. 
Primrose had no son, he jocosely observed to his wife, " I 
think we may as well adopt the Gypsy lad at once ; — what 
say you, wife ? Perhaps one of our girls may take a fancy to 
him when he is smarted up a matter. Which of you," 
he continued, addressing himself to his daughters, while a 
smile such as could only have come fresh from the warm 
heart of a fond father lighted up his manly countenance, — ■ 
" Which of you will have the poor Gypsy boy for a brother ?" 

" I dare say, papa," replied Kate, " we shall all feel a 
pleasure in making the stranger happy. That which a sense 
of duty inculcates, inclination will prompt us cheerfully to 
perform." 



44 THE RAMBLES OP 

The sound of a carriage driving up to the door terminated 
the colloquy ; and while considerable speculation was in ex- 
ercise among the young ladies who the visitor might be, the 
Rev. Dr. Titheum was announced, and in the next minute his 
dumpty Reverence was received at the parlour door by the 
worthy farmer and his wife. 

" Well, Farmer Primrose," said the doctor, u I hope you 
are well ;" making a slight inclination of his head as he spoke. 
" Mrs. Primrose," he added, bowing gracefully, " my respects 
to you, madam. Ah! ladies," he continued, addressing 
himself to the daughters, and bowing still more profoundly, 
" your servant ; glad to see you, — quite well ? Eh ?" he ex- 
claimed, abruptly, " Who have we here ?" eyeing, as he spoke, 
the Gypsy boy with a suspicious and searching look, " I 
hope," said the anti-Samaritan doctor, turning to Mr. Prim- 
rose, " you give no countenance to these miscreants. Why, 
the parish, Mr. Primrose, — nay, I might say, the county is 
likely to be ruined by them. It was no longer ago than yes- 
terday that I detected one of the rascals myself bearing off a 
fine sucking pig of mine ; — it was well for him that a wall of 
six feet high prevented my following him, or I am not in the 
commission of the peace for the county, but I would have 
given him a lodging in the county jail for a few months, or 
have sent him on a voyage across the water." 

It was a happy circumstance for all with whom the doctor 
had to do that he never stood to his text, or continued long 
on any one subject — excepting only and always that which 
was the sun-light of his existence, the summum bonum of his 
happiness — the rights of the church! in which, as distinguished 
items, he, of course, included tithes and Easter dues. On 
these moving topics the doctor was always verbose, although 
not always logical or eloquent. He could prove, indeed, — at 
least he could, and frequently did, attempt to prove to the 
people of his charge, that in the whole circle of invaluable 
blessings with which they were surrounded, tithes were the 
most invaluable ; — a sort of constellation of good in them- 
selves, amidst a constellation of goods. Acting up to his 
, system in this particular, and that none of those over whom 
he held spiritual jurisdiction should lose their share of benefit 
through his laxity, he exacted most rigorously — if not most 
righteously, — the full tithing of all they possessed. During 
the twenty years and upwards, that he had held the living of 
the parish, he had never been known in any more distin- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 45 

guished character than as a money-loving, griping, glutton- 
ous parson ; and holding, as he did, a magisterial commis- 
sion, he possessed peculiar facilities to exercise the ruling 
passion of his soul. So long had he used his authority with ■ 
unrelenting rigour as to cause the doggrel rhyme of a po- 
etaster to become a sort of proverb in the lips of all people. 

"For twenty years the people said, 
Their parson was a wood un ; 
He punished many an action bad, 
But never did a good un.'* 

At every marriage feast or christening treat, when an invi- 
tation was given, the worthy doctor set an example of cour- 
tesy to his parish, by attending ; without making any dis- 
tinction as to the rank or character of the persons from whom 
the invitation came. On such occasions, he was aware that 
a plentiful supply of the good things of this life would be 
furnished, and that consideration always settled in his mind 
any doubt which might arise as to propriety or otherwise— 
and he accordingly went. 

The object of the doctor's present visit to Mr. Primrose's 
was of no ghostly or spiritual nature, but to settle a little 
matter relative to the amount of value of a few acres of pas- 
ture land which the farmer had recently added to his farm. 
As, up to this period, Mr. Primrose had compounded with 
the rector for his portion of tithes, it now became necessary 
that a few extra shillings per annum should be added to the 
previous amount. 

As has been said, the doctor's forte lay not in categorical 
order; hence the question which he started at the head of 
this digression, when his eye fell upon Claudius in his Gypsy 
guise, was swallowed up by his reference to the person he 
had detected in the act of running off with one of his own 
sucking pigs ; and that again was lost in the all-absorbing 
theme of tithes : and to that subject, therefore, he directed 
the attention of Mr. Primrose, without allowing him time to 
reply to the questions he had himself proposed. 

English hospitality has been long and loudly lauded ; 
poets have sung its praise, and moralists have eulogised its 
character. Did I possess the power to transport my reader 
to the dwelling of the honest farmer in question, he would at 
once be furnished with a tangible evidence, as well as ocular 
demonstration, that in so far as he was concerned this esti- 
mable trait in the British character, while it was no Utopian 



46 THE RAMBLES OF 

fable, had not been too highly rated. His house, and all it 
contained, was as free as his speech ; he never expressed a 
pleasure which he did not feel, nor professed to be gratified 
by the visit of one whose person he hated. He shook no 
man by the hand, and called him " friend," to whom his 
friendly professions were not sincere. He had already given 
Dr. Titheum a hearty welcome ; because, although the esti- 
mation in which he held him as a divine rose not very high, 
he enjoyed his company as a table companion. He well knew 
the doctor's love of justice, so far as tithes were concerned, 
as also his strong penchant for a few glasses of good wine, 
when drawn by Freeman's key, and, therefore, felt neither 
surprise or displeasure at the cause of the present visit. 

In order to enjoy the doctor's company for an hour or two, 
he proposed settling the tithe affair over the tithe bottle. No 
objection being urged by the divine to the proposal, the wine 
was placed upon the table, and with as much pleasure as Sir 
Walter's Michael Lambourne swallowed Rhenish, they pro- 
ceeded to discuss in free potations the merits of the farmer's 
excellent port. 

Having easily disposed of the little tithe question, to the 
entire satisfaction of the rector, and filled his glass twice or 
thrice, he listened with the attentive gravity of an official to 
his host's statement of the recent attempt that had been made 
to destroy his premises, the escape of the culprit, and the dis- 
tinguished and honourable part which Claudius had taken in 
the affair. By the time the brief account was finished the 
glass had been put into requisition at least half a score times, 
and his reverence began to wax warm beneath its potent 
influence. His plump cheeks, which hung in large rolls 
over his tightly tied cravat, looked like two well-filled, illu- 
minated bladders ; a profusion of large pimples, which 
adorned his face, like unstoned plumbs in a Christmas pud- 
ding, now glowed with the radiancy of burning coal, while 
his little sharp eyes sparkled from beneath long dark lashes 
with unusual brightness, from whence the indignation of his 
soul flashed forth as he listened to the statement of his host. 

" You did right — perfectly right, Mr. Primrose," said the 
doctor, " in forwarding information to the authorities con- 
cerning the rogues' encampment in the wood. I have no 
doubt," he added, elongating and bridling up his person to 
the utmost extent his rotundity would allow, " I have no 
doubt, if I had been present to head you in the pursuit of the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 4? 

incendiary, we should have secured him. We understand 
these matters, Mr. Primrose ; it is our profession — I mean 
those of us who are in the commission of the peace." 

" Why, I have heard, doctor," observed Mr. Primrose 
jocosely, " set a thief to catch a thief, and you are sure to 
succeed." 

" Ha ! ha! ha !" laughed the doctor. " Not exactly so, 
Mr. Primrose, not exactly so ; but we know their tricks. If 
one of the villains is taken, I am not in the commission of 
the peace for the county if he shall not swing for it. I see 
no way of ridding the country of such pests, but by positive 
extermination. Your wine is excellent, Mr. Primrose ! never 
drank better 1 To have destroyed this, would in itself have 
been an act richly deserving of death." 

"Your judgment, doctor, on such a subject," replied Mr. 
Primrose, "is undoubted." 

" Why, I am allowed to have some taste in such matters," 
rejoined the divine, emptying his glass ; " indeed, my neigh- 
bour, Lord Dashwood, invariably takes my opinion in the 
choice of his wine." 

M Mentioning his lordship," observed the farmer, " Is it 
correct that he dislocated his shoulder in last Saturday's 
hunt ?" 

" Oh, yes ; that is quite correct, I can assure you," re- 
turned the doctor, " I was within a yard of his lordship when 
his horse stumbled. My Nimrod, although one of the best 
hunters in the county, shyed as my lord went over his horse's 
head ; in consequence of which I lost the brush, and barely 
escaped being smothered in a deep ditch of black mud. That 
was a day of exciting sport," continued his Reverence, rub- 
bing his hands, as if in extacy at the recollection. " It was 
rather late, by the bye, before we separated on Sunday morn- 
ing, and my head ached so confoundedly that I was scarcely 
able to get through my duty. Mrs. Primrose," he added, 
" allow me to pledge you ?" and he again filled his glass ; but 
either his hand had become somewhat unsteady, or his eye 
failed to measure correctly trie diameter of the glass, for be- 
fore he had completed the task he had emptied a larger portion 
of the sparkling juice upon the table than into the vessel. 

" Bless me V exclaimed the dumpty black coat, " I have 
certainly committed a blunder— how could it possibly have 
occurred ?" 
-" A mere accident, doctor," observed the farmer, " the 



48 THE RAMBLES OF 

most expert hands you know will sometimes err ; and, when 
excited, the nerves shake a little. " 

" True, true," said the divine, " Ha ! ha ! ha ! you are 
right, Mr. Primrose, perfectly right — correct in judgment — 
really you ought to have been in the commission of the peace 
before now. There," he observed, as he took his handker- 
chief from his pocket, and soaked up the wine, " that little 
affair is soon settled. Miss Primrose," added the doctor, 
"Will you oblige an old friend ?" 

"I shall feel much pleasure," replied the lady, "in doing 
any thing in my power, Sir." 

" Why, that's kind (hiccup), Miss Primrose," said the 
rector ; " beg pardon — you are very obliging. How old are 
you, my dear ?" 

" How old, Sir ?" rejoined Miss Primrose, " A lady's age, 
Sir, you know is — " 

" True, true ; very true," interrupted Dr. Titheum (hiccup), 
" I beg pardon. I suppose, however, we shall soon have to 
pronounce our blessing (hiccup) — I beg pardon — upon you 
at the altar. Eh, Miss Kate, am I not correct ?" 

" Really, Sir, I cannot inform you," replied the blushing 

• girl. 

" True, true," hiccuped out the rector. " I shall at any 
time be glad to wait upon you ; but I had forgotten, you 
promised me a favour. You know I am passionately fond of 
music. Come, now, oblige me with your last new waltz or 
quadrille ; or, let me see, have you that exciting thing which 
has just come out ? It begins thus : — 

" Hark ! hark, to the sound of the horn, 
As it echoes through dingle and grove ; 
When, uprising at day's early dawn, 
We join in the sport that we love. 

As tantivy, tantivy, we sing, and away." 

This stanza the doctor chaunted as well as the loss of a 
front masticator would allow him; and, whatever deficiency 
there might be in point of harmony, he more than supplied 
by spirit and action. He entered, as every man who feels 
his subject does, heart and soul into it, to the evident and 
high mirth of all present. 

" Bravo ! bravo !" shouted the farmer, causing at the 
same time his knuckles to come into strong contact with the 
table. " I always feel pleasure in supporting native talent, 
and yours, doctor, is of no common kind. Pd wager a dozen 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 49 

of the best Sherry in my cellar against as many quarts of 
spring water— and you know I have some excellent." 

" True, true," interrupted the doctor, smacking his lips, " it 
is excellent, very excellent." 

" Fd wager a dozen of it upon • your head against any 
squeaking, bawling foreigner that ever gulled a public assem- 
bly," continued Mr. Primrose. 

"I value your judgment, Mr. Primrose," returned the 
divine, bowing low, " and thank you for your approbation 
and high opinion. I fancy I have some talent that way. I 
sometimes wish I had been sent to Italy rather than to 
Oxford; a leetle improvement might have been a fortune 
to me." 

" Certainly it would," replied the farmer. " It was a thou- 
sand pities you were sent to Oxford; we lost a first-rate 
singer, merely to obtain — I mean no disparagement to your- 
self, doctor — one of which the country is overstocked." The 
farmer winked as he uttered his compliment, and a convul- 
sive titter went round the family circle. As soon as Miss 
Kate had screwed up her face to something like seriousness, 
and an opening in her papa's and the doctor's colloquy 
allowed it, she expressed her regret to his reverence that she 
had not yet met with the ballad of which he had favoured 
them with a stanza. 

" Well, well, my dear," said the rector, " you have some 
other, I dare say, equally good ; oblige me with one of your 
last new ones r" 

Miss Primrose drew the music-stool from under her cabi- 
net, and ran her ringers over the keys of the instrument. 

" With your leave, Madam," said the doctor, addressing 
himself to Mrs, Primrose, " I must crave one other small 
indulgence while Miss Kate obliges me with her song, and 
then I shall feel quite at home." 

"Certainly, doctor," returned Mrs, Primrose, "you have 
only to express your wishes here, to have them — so far as 
our abilities go — promptly met." 

"Thank you, madam," said the rector, "you are kind, 
very kind. I shall relish the wine and song better, I think, 
although I enjoy the wine very much already, if I can be fa- 
voured with a pipe." 

"I beg pardon, doctor," responded Mrs. Primrose, "it 
was not thought of before. I remember now your devotion to 
that innocent indulgence. It shall be brought immediately." 



50 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Thank you, madam, — in good time," returned Dr. Tithe- 
um, and emptied his glass. 

The leetle indulgence was soon supplied, and after lighting 
it, and puffing two or three clouds, as dark and powerful 
almost as if issuing from the funnel of a steam-engine, 
maugre all the sage and satiric observations which the im- 
mortal Cowper has made upon its use in female company 
especially, the doctor observed, — 

" Now, Miss, I think I shall be able to assist you in the 
vocal department." 

Again he puffed, and again filled his glass ; and then, 
rising from his seat, and reaching across the table, " Allow 
me," he said, " Mr. Primrose, to assist you?" charging as he 
spoke, with a little difficulty, the farmer's glass. This done, 
he proceeded to resume his sitting ; but, by some unfortu- 
nate circumstance, he completely missed his chair, and his 
finale, with no very gentle action, came in contact with the 
floor, on which the short, fat doctor rolled, like a black-pud- 
ding, or a hedge-hog, to the infinite diversion of the junior 
members of the family. Mr. and Mrs. Primrose ran to his 
assistance, and soon placed him in a perpendicular po- 
sition. 

" The devil take the chair !" said the doctor, as soon as he 
had recovered his feet. " I beg pardon. How, in the name 
of wonder, did it happen ? As true as I am in the commis- 
sion of the peace, I never met with such an occurrence in 
my life before. Bless me ! I have broken my pipe too, I 
perceive," he observed, as he looked at the scattered frag- 
ments upon the carpet. 

" You have not hurt yourself, I hope, doctor ?" said Mrs. 
Primrose. 

" Oh, no, madam ; no, I assure you," replied the rector, 
rubbing his posteriors, " not in the least, I think. Pll be 
more careful now," he added, and feeling for the chair's 
bottom, he succeeded to fix himself firmly upon it. " I regret 
that I have, by my accident, caused some confusion. Your 
kindness, madam, will, I hope, excuse it." 

" Don't trouble yourself, my dear sir," replied the farmer. 
" Had it not been at your expense, we should have enjoyed 
it as a variation given to the monotony of order. But, come, 
sir, shall I give you a toast ?" 

" With all my heart," responded the doctor, and he filled 
to the brim. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 51 

"May those who fall, never want a friend to assist them to 
rise again" drank the farmer. 

"Good! good !" shouted the rector. "Ha! ha! ha! ready- 
wit, by all the saints in the calendar. I should feel no objec- 
tion to drink such a toast in three times three. May those 
who fall — fall — how was it ? Oh ! — never rise again/ 5 

" Not exactly so, doctor," cried Mr. Primrose, "you have 
misquoted your text." 

'* Good, again !" said the divine. " Ha ! ha ! ha ! I stand 
corrected. How went it?" 

" May those who fall, never want a friend to assist them 
to rise again," repeated Mr. Primrose, as the doctor fixed a 
look of deep attention on his face. 

"Aye, to be sure," said Titheum, "how sieve-like my 
memory has become. I'll fill again, to do credit to so good 
a toast," and he suited the action to the word. " Nov/ for 
it," he continued, " May those who fall, never want a — a 
friend to assist them to rise." 

By the time the doctor had managed to give the toast and 
swallow his wine, a fresh pipe was placed before him ; after 
lighting which, he requested Miss Primrose would proceed 
with her expected entertainment. A few leaves of a music 
book were turned over, and then, having made her selection, 
she threw out a fine bold symphony, at the close of which she 
sung the following stanzas, the doctor, the mean while, beat- 
ing time with the flourish of his pipe, and joining with his 
voice as well as he was able. 

w Ye shepherds who stray with my swain, 

Companions in sport and in youth ; 
Oh ! tell him how great is my pain, 

How I grieve for the loss of his truth. 
Oh ! tell him how oft he has swore 

He never would cease to be mine ; 
Or leave me, his faith to deplore, 

Or with heart-breaking anguish repine. 

" Remind him, how oft in the grove, 

At my feet he in rapture would kneel ; 
And implore me to pity his love, 

Till he taught me, fond fool ! how to feel. 
Oh ! tell him, 'tis now he must come, 

For more my poor heart cannot bear ; 
Or the maidens will carry me home 

The victim of love and despair.'' 

Before time was allowed the learned doctor to pour forth a 
long string of compliments, which his gallantry had concocted, 
d 2 



52 THE RAMBLES OF 

in favour of Miss Primrose's performance, and even before 
the last notes of the instrument had died away, a piece of 
unexpected intelligence gave an entire change to the thoughts 
and engagements of the company. 

A female servant entered the room, and informed Mr. 
Primrose that Murphy Doyle wished to speak to him on 
something of importance. 

" Well, tell Murphy," said Mr. Primrose, " if he'll pro- 
mise to be brief and clear in his communication, as I am en- 
gaged just now, he may come to me ; but if he cannot pledge 
himself to these particulars, I cannot attend to him." 

The servant dropped a curtsey, and departed with her 
master's answer; and, in the twinkling of an eye, a tall, 
knock-kneed, ragged-headed, and raggedly-dressed person- 
age made his appearance at the door, twirling about a half 
brimless hat, the crown of which swung backwards and for- 
wards, like the creaking sign of a country ale-house in a high 
wind. 

"Well, Murphy," said Mr. Primrose, "what are your 
wishes ? Is it something short and sweet you are about to 
communicate ?" 

"Plase your honour," replied Murphy, " it is short enough 
for that matter ; but as to sweet, that's as it may be, yer 
honour ; barrin' the things that don't belong to it, sure 
enough it's all about your own affairs I'd afther spakin' to 
ye." 

" About my affairs, Murphy !" observed Mr. Primrose, 
" which part of them, pray ?" 

" Faith, now," answered Murphy, " it's a hard question 
yer puttin' to me ; barrin' the larnin' o' the pathernosther, I 
niver was more bothered since the first time I was born. 
What part o' them ? Och, sure now I'm not lyin' if I jist say 
every part of them ; bekase, if I hadn't fought the murderin' 
thief wid the courage of a devil, — savin' the ladies' pardon for 
usin' sich a word— ye had, by to-morrow night it may be, 
been burnt to dith in your beds, without livin' to make your 
wills in the mornin'." 

" I do not understand you, Murphy," said Mr. Primrose, 
"Who is the person you refer to ?" 

" Who, now ?" shouted Murphy, with as much expression 
of surprise in his countenance and tone, as if he had seen 
his master swallow the old hat which he still held in his 
hand. "Och! by my sowl, is'nt it the ill-fatured, mallet- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 53 

headed, bog-throtter, who was jist thinkin' to divart himself 
by lookin' at the fire of your premises to-night, as they were 
blazin' as merry as a Saint Bartlemy bonfire ?" 

" Do you mean the Gypsy?" inquired Mr. Primrose eagerly, 

" Who else should I mane, you honour ?" rejoined Murphy. 

"And what of him?" continued the farmer, " Have you 
seen him ?" 

" Have I seen him ?" responded Murphy. " Sure but I 
have seen him ; and, by faith, he would not deny it himself, 
blackguard as he is. The basthin' I have given him is as 
honest a one as ever a mortal baste would need or desire. 
I'll jist tell ye, jintlemen, how it happened. I was returning 
from the market, to which I had been sent in the mornin', 
when, jist as I was thinkin' o' nothin' at all, but only settlin' 
the day's account wid myself, who should fall plump in my 
road but Squire Wheeler's footman. ( Well, Murphy/ says 
he, c so your master's barns are going to be burned down 
wid combustible fire, and the family destroyed into the bar- 
gain.' 'Are they ?' says I. 'But let the spalpeen stand out o'my 
way that would do it.' ' It is true/ says he, ' upon my bible 
oath ; but the Gypsy blackguard had another call to make, I 
suppose, and so didn't stay long enough to do it. All the 
servants are in search of him ; but the baste is as cunnin' as 
a fox, for he has taken earth, and they cannot meet with him/ 
'Och, my darlin' !' said I, 'Only let him stand clear of my little 
switch here, for if I mate him I'll jist be afther breakin' every 
bone in his impident skin.' With that, I hastens homewards, 
without matin' a sowl by the way, beside myself, when, jist 
as I reached the little wood on the other side the five-acre 
field, what should I fix my ogles upon, but a bundle o' rags, 
hid away in a bush. Well, your honour, what would your 
honour think came into my head ?" 

" I care not what came into your head/' answered Mr. 
Primrose, "come as soon as you can to the end of your 
story." 

" Sirrah !" said the doctor, with magisterial action and 
accent, " you trifle ; speak out at once what you have to say." 

" Sure, your honour, it was no trifle either," replied Mur- 
phy ; te and as to saying all at once what I have to say, it is 
what my mouth never could do since it belonged to Murphy 
Doyle. But, as I was saying, your honour, thinks I that 
bundle of clothes yonder will serve to patch my dress ; so at 
it I pulls wid all might, for it stuck fas*; m the bushes, when 



54 THE RAMBLES OF 

presintly up starts the divil's couzen of a Gypsy. He seemed 
sinsible it couldn't be good for his health to stay any longer 
couched upon his hams like a hunted hare ; so off he set, 
like a flash o' lightnin'. ' Oh, oh, that's your gave to be sure/ 
says I, ( is it ;' so afther him I bolts, and before he could say 
hot-codlings, I was at his heels, and with one touch of my 
shilelah I made him stand flat on his back at my feet ; and 
then, while he roared like a bathed bull, I bate him for 
fallin 5 ; afther he had bawled for mercy as long as I could 
spare time to hear him, I tied his hands behind his back, and 
fastened the cord to one leg; and then, afther the fashion we 
drive pigs from Donnybrook fair, I made the brute hobble 
before me home, and he is now waitin' to see your honour 
in the stable, where I have tied him fast, like a baste as he is, 
to the manger." 

" Murphy," cried Mr. Primrose, as he finished his some- 
what prolix tale, " you are a brave fellow, and shall not lose 
your reward for thus doing your duty." 

" Reward, your honour 1" returned Murphy, " and sure 
what reward does a man desarve for only knockin' out the 
brains of a villain ? Sure no Irishman that wasn't born in 
England would ever think of reward for doing his duty." 

" Well, well, my honest fellow," observed the farmer, " as 
you please ; but I never enquire of what country a man is 
who has done nobly and well, before I admire the action he 
has performed ; the bond of our common nature binds me to 
him, and I love him as a man and a brother. But here, 
Murph y," he continued, " drink this glass of wine, and 
hasten back to your prisoner, and guard him well until I 
send for you. See to it that he does not escape you." 

"Thank y our honour I" said Murphy, as he returned the 
glass, " Sure I'll break every bone in his skin before he shall 
live to run away again ; never fear but Murphy Doyle will 
hould him fast. Faith, but it would be a disgrace to the 
name of an Irishman to let any thing slip through his fingers." 

As soon as Murphy had left the room, a consultation was 
held as to the best method of proceeding with the Gypsy. 
The reverend magistrate determined to examine the culprit 
himself; and if he found, as he felt quite certain he should, 
that he had with malice propense sought to fire, and thereby 
to injure or destroy the premises of Mr. Jeremiah Primrose, 
of the county of Hants, he should then feel it his duty forth- 
with to commit him to the county jail, in order to his taking 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 55 

his trial for the capital offence of arson, as with him it was a 
principle from which he never swerved—; festinatio justitice est 
novera infortunii. 

As a preliminary step to the proceedings about to be insti- 
tuted, it was determined that Claudius should leave the 
court — into which the farmer's parlour was about to be 
transformed — and hold himself in readiness when called upon 
to give such evidence touching the prisoner as he upon his 
oath could feel justified in advanc 

"I shall be ready and willing, Sir/ 3 said Claudius, "when- 
ever I may be called upon, to state the whole truth, upon 
whomsoever the consequences may fall. I detest the crime 
which I have been the instrument of preventing, and, there- 
fore, I discovered the plot/' 

" You did your duty, my lad," answered the Doctor, who 
had listened with distended eyes and ears to the Gypsy boy. 
" I shall do you justice, and shall not punish you if I find you 
have not been actually engaged in the affair. You may- 
retire." 

Claudius bowed respectfully, although with an assumed 
awkwardness, fearing that a discovery, which he wished to 
avoid, might take place, and attended to the law of the court. 

This appeared as fair an opportunity as the young ladies 
could have desired, and they, therefore, cheerfully accompa- 
nied the Gypsy boy to another apartment, in high expecta- 
tion of having their fortunes told, while Mrs. Primrose 
busied herself in making such preparations for the approach- 
ing trial as appeared necessary. 



CHAPTER VI. 

" And there sat the priest in the judge's chair, 
Who a text from Blackstone quoted ; — 
"While he sagely sat, the case to hear, 
And points of evidence noted, 
• * * * 

sc The rogue, with a leer of ludicrous grace, 
"Which proved his heart no trembler, 
Cried, ■ How much, Sir, is mine like the Saviour's case, 
And yours, how very dissim'lar.' " 

Old Ballad. 

In a brief space of time, paper, ink, and pens, were placed 



56 THE RAMBLES OF 

before the doctor, who, after taking another glass of wine, 
consented, with very evident reluctance, that both it and his 
pipe should be removed. 

u Hem I" cried the magistrate, with official cadence, as he 
settled himself in his chair with the same pompous air of 
dignified authority as is generally displayed by such worthy 
functionaries in their own little legal empires. " We must/ 5 
he added, with befitting emphasis, " have a messenger dis- 
patched immediately to my trusty servant, Moses Grabum, 
the constable, desiring his attendance here without delay ; 
and, Mr. Primrose," continued the justice, " let me see, — you 
havn't, perhaps, such a piece of legal furniture in your house 
as a pair of hand-cuffs ?" 

"Oh, no, doctor," replied the farmer, "we need no such 
things here. I pay my men well, and treat them kindly, 
and while they require no confinement put on their limbs, I 
know not a man among them who would not risk his own 
person to defend mine, or to protect my family and property 
from harm ; hence I sleep without fear, and my commands 
are executed with promptitude." 

" Well, well," said the doctor, " I merely inquired. " We 
who are in the commission of the peace are obliged to have 
regard to those things, and to employ them frequently. If, 
indeed, we did not, it is a hundred to one but ninety-nine 
out of a hundred of us would have our brains knocked out 
by the scoundrels we are obliged to commit. We shall need 
them now, I am certain." 

" Do you imagine so ?" asked the farmer. 

'• No, Sir," returned the justice, " I do not imagine so, I 
am quite confident of it. Bless you ! I would not sit here to 
examine such a desperado as is this Gypsy villain without his 
hands being confined for the value of a king's ransom ! I 
have no doubt that the law is frequently improperly admi- 
nistered ; not so much from the misapprehension of it on the 
part of our magistrates, for, generally speaking — Imigt 
have said universally — they are well read in the jurisprudence 
of our country ; but, from a sense of danger, to which their 
office exposes them. I know what those feelings are, Mr. 
Primrose, having often felt them since I have been in the 
commission of the peace. There," continued the doctor, 
sealing, and handing him a note which he had just written, 
" let that be conveyed with all possible speed to Moses Grab- 
um. I have therein desired him to attend me here forthwith, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 57 

and that he is to come with his conveyance — as I fully intend 
to commit — in which to convey the prisoner to the place of 
confinement; and, by all means, not to forget a brace of 
pistols, for I have no doubt they will be required, and a pair 
of strong hand-cuffs. Now, let one of your most active 
men set off; and, as some time will be occupied in that part 
of the business, I think I shall have sufficient leisure to take 
one more pipe, and another glass, or so, of your excellent 
wine. Really, I somehow quite enjoy it — it must be very 
excellent. We, Mr. Primrose, who are in the commission of 
the peace, very often require some stimulant, I assure you — 
ours is no easy duty ; and were it not that we feel the im- 
portance of the office requires men of more than ordinary 
judgment and probity, I am sure, I can speak for myself, I 
should give up. But, you know, Sir, ' England expects every 
man to do his duty/ as the immortal Nelson said, and con- 
science compels — " 

" Very true, doctor/' rejoined the farmer, scarcely able to 
restrain his feelings at the boasting of the reverend gentleman, 
" We do need that men of judgment and probity should fill 
the office." 

The wine was by this time replaced on the table, and again 
the doctor filled and lighted his pipe ; and, after puffing 
hard at it for a minute or two, he observed, " The way to be 
able to do justice to others, Mr. Primrose — (puff — puff) — is 
to — (puff) — do justice to — (puff — puff) — ourselves first — 
(puff— puff). Now, as to this fellow, Mr. Primrose, you 
can, of course, swear to him ; you have a perfect recollection 
of— (puff — puff) — his person ?" 

" I have no doubt on the subject, doctor/' replied the 
farmer, " and if the man who has been taken by my servant 
is the same as assumed the profession of a rat-catcher this 
morning, I should know him among a thousand ; and if any 
doubt could arise in my mind as to the identity of his per- 
son, there will be the evidence of the boy, you know, which 
must be conclusive." 

" Ah ! true, true," said the learned functionary, " that is 
a fortunate circumstance — (puff, puff, puff), — such evidence 
must indeed render the. case plain — (puff, puff). We, who are 
in the commission of the peace, always wish to have things 
plain before us, Mr. Primrose — (puff, puff). Ah ! well thought 
of," continued the doctor. * See the advantage resulting from 
a soothing pipe, but for it I should have forgotten an im- 
d 5 



58 THE RAMBLES OF 

portant matter. Have you a copy of Blackstone, or Coke 
upon Lyttleton ? There may arise some points of special 
character in the case I am about to investigate ; and although 
I am — I speak it without egotism I assure you, Mr. Prim- 
rose — as familiar with the science of law as any lawyer, per- 
haps, that ever undertook a brief; still, since I have been in 
the commission of the peace, I like, in all my decisions, to be 
able to put my finger upon the page and declare — * Thus 
saith an authority upon the subject/ It will somtimes hap- 
pen, from the perplexity and cumbrous nature of the law, 
and, unless I am particularly excited, my memory fails of 
being so tenacious as I could wish it/' 

" Why, very fortunately, doctor/' replied the farmer, " a 
trifling dispute which I had recently with my neighbour, 
Lord Dashwood, respecting his right to injure my property, 
by coursing over and destroying no small quantity of wheat 
every year, led me to purchase two works on law affairs— by 
reading which, I believe I am more perplexed than I was be- 
fore — the one is ' Every Man his own Lawyer/ the other 
• Burn's Justice ;' these are all the works I possess on such 
subjects, if they will serve your purpose, you shall have them 
in a few seconds." 

" Why, they are not just the thing, Mr. Primrose/' an- 
swered the sapient justice; we of the bench always patronize 
the best authorities, — however, if you will oblige me, I will 
make shift with them." 

The farmer slipped to his book-case, and, from two or 
three dozen tomes of small literature, selected the legal de- 
sideratums and placed them before the reverend magistrate. 

" That will do, Mr. Primrose," said the doctor, " that will 
do. Now I think of it, I will take the depositions of the 
Gypsy boy, which I shall be able to do before the constable 
arrives. I fear I shall have to commit them both ; we, who 
are in the commission of the peace, are frequently obliged to 
do violence to personal feelings — ' Agentes et consentient es 
pari poena plectentur 9 — that is, ' the parties acting, and the 
parties consenting, are liable to the same punishment/ " 

" Doctor Titheum !" exclaimed the honest farmer, " to 
that youth, myself and family are, in all probability, indebted 
for our lives ; my property, it is most certain, has been 
preserved from destruction in consequence of his noble con- 
duct : and now to commit him to prison, would, I think, be 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 59 

an ill requital for services the most invaluable. His action 
has evidently been the result of constraint and not of cheer- 
ful consent." 

" Well, well," rejoined the justice, " I shall see. If what 
you state is proved to be correct, Mr. Primrose, the case will 
be changed in a material point ; it will amount to what we in 
the commission of the peace call a ' non est factum j' but I'll 
take care the lad shall have 'jus in re' — complete and full 
right. However, it is necessary that I should — (puff puff, 
puff) — interrogate him closely." 

Mr. Primrose rang the bell and a servant entered, to whom 
he gave directions that the Gypsy boy should be brought in. 
As Claudius appeared at the door, the doctor put himself 
into an official attitude, and then, as a prelude to the im- 
portant business in which he was about to engage, he drew 
forth his pocket-handkerchief, the same with which he had 
wiped up the wine from the table, and employed it now in 
wiping away the thick perspiration which oozed from his 
pimpled and bloated face ; this done, he proceeded to the 
examination, 

" Hem ! Sirrah — So sir, you have been found in company 
with a person who has made an attempt to fire and destroy 
the property of Mr. Primrose ; what account have you to give 
of yourself ?" 

Claudius turned his look full upon the reverend magis- 
trate's face, when delicate and perilous as his present situation 
was, his sides shook with suppressed laughter. He attempted 
to reply to the interrogation which had been sternly put to 
him, but found it impossible to do so. He bit his lips, held 
in his breath, swallowed his spittle, and, in fact, did every 
other thing that he could do to stifle his unseasonable and 
indecorous inclination to cachinnation, but in vain. For- 
tunately for Claudius, the doctor had taken so many glasses 
of wine as to disqualify him to judge correctly of the cha- 
racter of the affection under which the prisoner laboured ; the 
most distant thought, however, never occurred to him, that 
the Gypsy boy was guilty of what he would have pronounced 
— * contempt of court ;' but supposing from the tit, tit, tit, 
which, in spite of every effort, issued from his lips, together 
with his silence in reference to the question which had been 
put to him, that he was affected and confused by his situa- 
tion, again addressed him, but in gentler terms than before. 

" Speak up, my lad," said his reverence — (hiccup) — "you 



60 THE RAMBLES OF 

have nothing to fear, if you have not willingly engaged in 
this wicked design. Tell me — (hiccup) — bless me, what ails 
me now ? — tell me, did you, with your own free and unin- 
fluenced consent, enter upon — (hiccup) — this business ?" 

Claudius turned away his eye from the interrogator, that 
the cause of his distressing titillation might no further affect 
him, and replied — 

" No, Sir, I did all in my power to prevent it ; the gen- 
tleman there," pointing to Mr. Primrose, " knows that I 
gave him information, before any thing had happened, to 
put him on his guard." 

" That is correct," said the farmer. 

" How then came you to be in company with the perpetrator 
of thedeed?" enquired the justice. " Did you come willingly ?" 

" I was appointed to the purpose," answered Claudius ; 
" and I felt convinced it would be dangerous for me to re- 
fuse ; beside, Sir, I knew the evil which had been determined 
upon, and I was resolved, if possible, to prevent it, and 
therefore I came the more cheerfully." 

"Hem I" said the doctor, " Did you ever learn — (hiccup) — 
bless me, how troublesome these hie — (hiccup) — hiccups are ! 
— did you ever learn your catechism ?" 

" Yes, Sir," replied Claudius, wondering at the strange 
question. 

" Good," said the doctor. '* Do you know what your god- 
fathers and god-mothers promised and vowed for you?" 

" Yes, Sir," returned our hero. 

" Good," repeated the magistrate ; " then you know — 
(hiccup) — you are aware of the consequences of telling a lie, 
or taking a false oath." 

" Yes, Sir," answered Claudius. 

" Well, then," said the doctor, " knowing as you do these 
things, are you prepared to state before me (hiccup), in the 
presence of your late companion, all you know of this se- 
rious affair ? 

" Yes, Sir," answered Claudius, "whenever you please." 

" Good," said the divine. " How came the premises on 
fire, and by what means, and by whom was it lighted?" 

With as much distinctness as he was able, he related all 
the circumstances connected with the affair ; of which the 
doctor, as well as he was able, took notes, and at the end 
of the hearing, was pleased to applaud the line of conduct 
he had pursued, and then dismissed him. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 6l 

For the information and satisfaction of the reader, it is ne- 
cessary that the cause of Claudius's strange conduct pre- 
vious to his examination should be explained. It happened 
that when the doctor soaked up the wine with his handker- 
chief, a quantity of candle-snuff had by some accident fallen 
from the snuffers upon the table ; this the doctor did not 
observe, and had therefore wiped it up with the wine, and, 
by so doing, soiled his handkerchief not a little. As has 
been stated, at the moment that Claudius entered the room, 
he used this handy three-quarters of a yard of figured silk, 
in doing which he had so admirably tattood his face on one 
side, as to render himself an excellent personification of a 
Tattoorowan chief. As, however, the farmer sat on one 
side of the doctor, he did not perceive it. The ludicrous 
figure which the fat, red, and black faced justice exhibited, 
met the eye of Claudius as he stood full before 

" The learned member of the legal art," 

and occasioned the feeling which has been noticed. 

A short period only had elapsed after this novel and brief 
hearing before the rambling of the constable's cart an- 
nounced the arrival of that important personage, and pre- 
sently afterwards Mr. Moses Grabum, beadle and constable 
of the parish of Christchurch, made his low bow before his 
magisterial master. 

There was in the person and deportment of Moses, some- 
thing so perfectly original, and withal so highly character- 
istic, that he would have made no despicable study for the 
chisel of Chantry, the pencil of Cruikshank, or the pen of 
Smollet. In some respects he might have been styled a 
lump of deformity. So long and disproportionate was his 
body, that he had for years been known by the familiar cog- 
nomen of Moses Long-body. From his broad round shoul- 
ders swung a pair of arms, well suited, in point of length, 
to a figure half a cubit higher than his own. His neck, 
which was exceedingly short, appeared shorter than it ac- 
tually was, from the circumstance of his being somewhat 
hump-backed ; so that his head appeared none other than 
a prodigious sarcoma growing out of an unsightly trunk like 
that of a turtle's when just protruded from its shell; his 
face, which was uncommonly broad, and as fiat as a full 
moon painted on the sign-board of a country ale-house, was 
ornamented with a mouth, at least, one-third wider than the 



62 THE RAMBLES OP 

dimensions of what was generally allowed to be a very large 
one ; and a pair of eyes, which nearly appeared as if about 
to make a sudden exit from their sockets; his legs were 
short and thick, and so finely bowed, that a China-bred pig, 
not exceeding twelve stone, might have run with convenience 
between them, without in the least disturbing the perpen- 
dicular position of their owner. 

Moses had, in his time, served in most of the public offices 
of the parish ; but had, for the few last years, settled down, 
with a kind of respectable permanency, into the two posts 
which he now filled to admiration. Among the country peo- 
ple with whom he had to do, and especially by old women 
and young children, he was considered a species of " locum 
tenens" of the parson-justice. Among a variety of excellent 
qualities with which he was gifted, was a ready knack which 
he possessed of accommodating himself to the whims, tastes, 
and prejudices of his superiors. He felt it no degradation, 
either to his manhood or to his office, to be what, in improved 
modern phraseology, is called a toad-eater, to any man in 
power. If any scrupulous person ventured to offer an ob- 
servation in his hearing, touching the trivial matter of con- 
tradicting his own declarations, or abandoning his professed 
principles, he with an indifference which would have done 
credit to the school of Plato, when that placid gentleman 
presided over his own college, amidst the grove of Academus, 
invariably offered as an apology, or sufficient reason, for his 
conduct, — " My betters do so every day," — none ever dis- 
puted the truth of his statement, and there the matter ended. 

The moment Mr. Moses, in all the paraphernalia of his 
office, entered the newly formed justice-room, he perceived at 
a single glance, — for he was a shrewd observer, — that the 
reverend magistrate had been, as he sometimes was in the 
habit of doing, sacrificing freely to the god of the luscious 
grape. 

" Oh! you have arrived, have you, Mr. Grabum?" observed 
the doctor. 

" Yes, your honour," replied the official, " I have made 
all the despatch it was possible for a person to make, to at- 
tend upon your worship." 

" Good !" said the doctor. " You are a trusty servant, 
Moses : have you brought with you the little matters which 
I mentioned in my note ?" 

" O yes, your honour," replied Grabum, " here is as pretty 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 63 

a pair of bracelets as a man could wish to put on/' exhibit- 
ing a pair of strong bright hand-cuffs ; " and here, Sir," he 
added, as he drew from his pocket a brace of horse-pistols, 
" is as nice a pair of pop-guns as ever kept a rogue in sub- 
jection." 

" Good, Mr. Grabum !" rejoined the divine. " You may 
now retire for the present ; and as soon as you have properly 
secured the prisoner, bring him up for examination — observe 
me ; — properly secured I say." 

" It shall be done, your worship, according to your wishes, ' 
replied the constable, as he again bowed low and left the 
presence. 

Arrangements were a second time made for hearing the 
case. The doctor finished his last glass of wine, took two or 
three long whiffs at his pipe, and laid, with due care, " Burn's 
Justice," and " Every Man His Own Lawyer," like right-and- 
left-hand supporters, before him, one on either side, while 
Mrs. Primrose, in order to witness the proceedings in perfect 
safety from the violence of the monster-man, placed herself 
by the side of her husband. 

The sound of several feet in the hall announced the ap- 
proach of the culprit. Mrs. Primrose cringed closer to the 
farmer, while the doctor, placing his arms a kimbo, made the 
most of himself for the occasion. 

After a few seconds of agitating delay, the prisoner, safely 
hand-cuffed, and attended by the constable, entered, while 
Murphy Doyle, as if to secure and keep in order the captive 
he had made, followed close at his heels. Slipgibhet, as he 
advanced into the apartment, threw a sly sharp leer around 
its circumference as if looking for some person ; in a moment 
his countenance underwent a striking change ; from the fierce 
and sullen scowl which sat upon his brow his looks bright- 
ened up to an appearance which indicated impudent assur- 
ance. Without doubt he expected to have met Claudius, 
but finding he was not present^he at once calculated that he 
had fled, and that therefore no positive evidence, in his ab- 
sence, could be produced against him, he determined to brave 
the case impudently, or charge the lad with the crime of 
which himself alone was guilty. 

"What is your name, prisoner," demanded the justice. 

" Harry Williams," answered the Gypsy, saucily. 

"Harry Williams," repeated the doctor. "Hem! note that/' 



64 THE RAMBLES OF 

he added to Mr. Primrose, who had volunteered his services 
as clerk of the court upon the occasion. 

" Aye, note it if you please," said Slipgibbet, " that's the 
name of an honest man." 

" Silence/' shouted the.judge in his own little court, "you 
are here to answer my questions, and to do nothing else." 

" I know it," returned the Gypsy, in a saucy tone. 

" What is your profession ?" enquired the doctor. 

" Why, Pse a rat-catcher," replied Slipgibbet, in the same 
tone. 

" Where do you reside ?" interrogated the justice. 

"Why, I travels the country for an honest living,". re- 
turned the prisoner, " and I lives sometimes here, and some- 
times there, just as trade goes." 

" You came here, I suppose, this morning," continued the 
doctor, " in the way of trade, then ?" 

" Sartainly I did," said the Gypsy, " and that ere gentle- 
man," pointing to Mr. Primrose, " knows as how I cotched 
as fine rats in his barn as ever a man looked on with his eyes ; 
and I has no doubts whatsomever as how I should have de- 
stroyed all the varmint if the young villin what come with me 
hadn't run'd away. I was just a seeking of him when I was 
stopped and mistreated by this ere feller, who I demand 
should be taken into custody for the assault." 

" Och ! thelyin' wagabond!" shouted Murphy, "wos'nt it 
myself, now, that stopped your runnin' away ?" 

The Gypsy directed a fierce' withering look at Murphy, and 
was about to reply, when the- doctor prevented him by en- 
quiring, 

" Do you know any thing respecting the fire in the barn ?" 

" The fire, your worship," responded Slipgibbet, — " I so- 
lemnly protest I knows no more about it than the child what's 
not born'd into the world." 

" Indeed !" exclaimed the justice ; "Why, then you are a 
perfectly innocent man." 

" Oh, intirely so. I assures your worship," said the Gypsy, 
" not even your worship's self is more innocent than what 
lam." 

"Then you can give me no information, I suppose," con- 
tinued the learned man, " respecting a certain quantity of 
combustible matter, and a slow-match, which was placed 
among the wheat in the barn when you were seeking rats ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 65 

" Me inform your honour ?" said Slipgibbet. " Why no, I 
says I knows nothing at all of the affair — I'm blow'd if I do ; 
and it would be no sarvice for a chap to say so to a lie ; would 
it, your worship ?" 

" I can't conceive it would/' replied the doctor. 

M Well then, blow me tight if I do," continued the Gypsy, 
" and that's more, all I know's about it — that is, all what I 
supposes consarning it is, that that ere young rogue what 
was with me wanted to play off a game upon me for an old 
grudge, and so he 'tended to set light to this ere place, and 
leave me to settle the reckoning." 

u It will be a heavy reckoning," said the doctor, " who- 
ever may have to pay it." 

"Well, your worship," rejoined the prisoner, "I was a 
thinking so ; but if your worship will oblige me by taking 
off these ere things from my wrists, and allow me to go, I'll 
be bound, on the word of an honest man, to come back with 
him in safe custody in less than a couple of hours." 

" Why, that is fairly promised," said the doctor, " but I 
fancy we can save you the trouble. Desire the lad who is 
waiting without to attend directly." 

As the order was given the Gypsy started, and a convul- 
sive shudder shook his frame. The effect, however, was only 
of transient duration. A look of fierce defiance glared upon 
his dark visage, and, as if reckless of consequences, he ap- 
peared to stand prepared for the worst. 

At the moment that Claudius entered the room, Slipgibbet 
stood with his back towards the door, and therefore did not per- 
ceive him ; but as he attended the beck of the doctor, and ad- 
vanced towards his side to give his evidence, the eye of the 
Gypsy caught sight of him. With a degree of rage, which, with 
all his art at disguise, he knew not how to conceal, he gnashed 
his teeth, and bit his nether lip, and, but for the pistol which 
Grabum held pointed at his head, would, in all probability, 
have discharged his Satanic fury upon the youth. 

" Do you know that man :" enquired the justice of Clau- 
dius, pointing to the Gypsy. 

"I do, Sir," he replied, without hesitation. 

" Where did you last see him ?" asked the magistrate. 

" In the barn, Sir, in the middle of the farm-yard yonder," 
answered Claudius. 

u Are you acquainted with his name and profession ?" con- 
tinued the doctor. 



66 THE RAMBLES OF 

" His name, Sir, is Slipgibbet Phil," said Claudius. 

" Slipgibbet I" exclaimed the justice, opening his heavy 
eyes wider than he had done during the previous half-hour, 
— " Slipgibbet ! an ominous name truly, but it will, I think, 
be falsified soon — * the pitcher may come to the well once too 
often,' as the saying is. Umph, Slipgibbet ! Well, since I 
have been in the commission of the peace it is the first time 
I have heard so offensive a name. * What's in a name ?' 
Much, Mister Shakspeare ; — by implication, very much. I 
am called Justice, — and that implies truth and power ; — and 
Slipgibbet, by logical deduction, proves that a man has es- 
caped that which he has deserved — hanging ! Now, my 
lad, give me such an account of the circumstances connected 
with the fire in the barn as comes within your knowledge." 

" I will, Sir," replied Claudius, and he at once proceeded 
to narrate the same facts as he had a short time before com- 
municated. At the conclusion of his evidence, in which 
there was neither contradiction nor confusion, the justice 
addressed himself to the Gypsy, and enquired — 

" Have you any thing to reply to the statements which 
have just been made in your hearing ? if so, you are at full 
liberty to make it." 

The prisoner stood convicted and confounded, the fury of 
his passions appeared in the alternating colours of his coun- 
tenance — " from crimson red to ashy pale" — and the disten- 
sion of the veins in his forehead, which looked as if ready 
to burst. He seemed convinced that any attempt he might 
make at recrimination or justification would not avail to 
exonerate himself, and he therefore maintained a sullen 
and unbroken silence. 

"Have you any observation to make prisoner?" again 
asked the justice. 

" No," he replied surlily ; " and I s'pose 'twou'dn't be of 
no sarvice if I had." 

The doctor proceeded most gravely to comment upon the 
enormity of the crime of which he stood charged, and the 
eminent peril in which he was consequently placed; and 
then, having made out his mittimus, he committed him to the 
tender mercies of Grabum, with strict orders to see him well 
bestowed in the county jail until the time came for him to 
take his trial at the assizes. The parties having left the 
room in the same order as they entered, the doctor resumed 
his pipe, consenting, at the invitation of the warm-hearted 




} %2r>. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 67 

farmer, to take a glass or two more wine, in order to refresh 
himself after the fatigue of the examination. 

" Was it not a fortunate circumstance," observed the 
doctor, " that I made my call upon you at this particular 
time, Mr. Primrose ? You see I have despatched the busi- 
ness without any vexatious delay. It doesn't always happen, 
that we, who are in the commission of the peace, do things 
in this way ; but I — I, Mr. Primrose, feel it a duty which I 
owe society always to use despatch." Here the doctor swal- 
lowed his glass of wine, and sent forth two or three heavy 
clouds from his earthern tube, and then added — " It is my 
custom, Mr. Primrose, always to use despatch." 

" Your custom, Sir, is a good one," returned the farmer ; 
and it would be well if all who are engaged in the law would 
copy so excellent an example :, then justice would be expe- 
rienced where law alone is felt, then so many injured fami- 
lies would not be ruined, so many hearts would not be 
broken, so much wretchedness from the law's delay, or from 
legal iniquity, would not be witnessed, so much — " 

" Hush, hush, Mr. Primrose," exclaimed the doctor, in- 
terrupting him, " I cannot sit quietly by and hear the pro- 
fession of the law traduced. All men, you know, must live 
by their profession, and the little delays which take place 
are undoubtedly made to do so professionally ; the number 
of legal advisers in fact require it, otherwise half in the pro- 
fession would starve for want of engagement. I admire the 
profession, Sir, — (puff, puff) — and regret that I did not 
study — (puff, puff) — law, rather than divinity." 

" Well, well, doctor," added the good-natured farmer, 
"we will not quarrel on the point. Let us charge our 
glasses, and I'll give a toast." 

" Good, good," said the doctor, * let us have it." 
" A speedy reformation to the abuses of the law," said 
the farmer, as he drank off his glass. 

" Well, Mr. Primrose," rejoined the justice, " as I wish 
as much as any man, whether in the commission of the 
peace or not, to see all abuses reformed, I feel no objection 
to your toast. — A speedy reformation— (hiccup) — to the 
abuses of the law." 

Another and another glass of wine was taken, during 
which time Claudius became the subject of conversation. 
The proposal which the farmer had made to engage him in 
his service was stated, as well as the youth's willing accept- 



68 THE RAMBLES OF 

ance of the offer ; all which met the entire approbation of 
the doctor. So far, however, had the open and intelligent 
manner in which Claudius had acquitted himself in the pre- 
sence secured for him the notice and good will of the 
justice, that he felt desirous to engage him in his own ser- 
vice, and especially so, as he was in want of a shrewd and 
intelligent lad as a livery servant. 

" I have been — (puff, puff) — thinking, Mr. Primrose," 
said the doctor, " that I should like to take the boy under 
my own care, for — (puff, puff) — it appears to me that he is 
just such a lad as would suit my present purpose ; — (puff, 
puff) — and if I find him, what I feel inclined to believe I 
shall— intelligent, honest, and active — (puff, puff, puff) — I 
will take care his future prospects shall not be neglected. 
Are you disposed to let me have him ?" 

" Why, to tell the truth, doctor," replied the farmer, " I 
do not stand in need of a boy at present, although I could 
employ one ; but the service which this lad has rendered me 
and mine, has laid, I feel, an obligation upon me to do for him 
all that lays in my power, and such is my determination. 
If, however, he is perfectly willing to enter your service, I 
shall feel happy to see him well settled with so good a 
master." 

The arrangements were, in a little time, made ; and as to 
Claudius, all places appeared equal, excepting that the 
prospect seemed fairer that he should, if engaged by the 
doctor, see more of public life than in the secluded situation 
which the farmer occupied — he consented to change masters 
before he had served either, and on the same evening ac- 
companied the justice to his residence. 



CHAP. VI. 

" Romeo, Is love a tender thing ? it is too rough, 

Too rude, too boist'rous ; and it pricks like thorn. 
Mer. If love be rough with you, be rough with love. 

Prick love for pricking*, and you beat him down." 

During the busy scenes already narrated, in which Claudius 
had been engaged, others of a no less exciting character had 
passed in rapid succession in the mansion of Lady Bolio, and 
as they may have some connexion with the subsequent 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 69 

history of our hero himself, it is proper that a brief refer- 
ence should be made to them. 

The first burst of feeling had scarcely escaped the lips of 
Lady Bolio, by which she informed the ill-starred Ferule and 
Miss Pin well, that their services would no longer be re- 
quired in her establishment, than, as the reader has been in- 
formed, she despatched her servants in various directions in 
search of the run-away ; that they did not however, after the 
whole day's search, succeed, the new station in which Clau- 
dius has just been left fully proves. As soon as the orders 
above referred to had been given, she retired to her room in 
as sad and pitiable a state of feeling as can possibly be ima- 
gined. On the one hand, she felt as a fond mother na- 
turally would feel for her lost son, concerning whose fate she 
experienced almost distracting anxiety. On the other, the 
green-eyed monster Jealousy — as some of the wise ones call 
the thing — had enfolded her, although rather of bulky di- 
mensions, in his maddening embrace. With phrensied emo- 
tion she paced the apartment, and then threw herself upon 
the sofa; but, as if the horse-hair couch had suddenly lost 
its elastic qualities, she turned and twisted as if placed upon 
the sharp points of an harrow to do penance for the sins of 
her youth, as a meritorious act decreed by some inquisitorial 
sage, or saintly sprig of holy mother church. Then, again, 
she rose and walked in a soliloquising mood. Every ten 
minutes she rang the bell, and, in an agitated tone, enquired 
if any tidings had yet been obtained concerning her son ? 
To which question, the soul-sickening " No" — like an un- 
changing echo — was the unwelcome and heart-distracting 
reply. 

" Was ever woman," exclaimed her ladyship in a tempest 
of feeling, in which every destructive passion of human na- 
ture appeared contending for the mastery, " was ever woman 
in so wretched a condition as I am ? My almost idolizing, 
affection for my son has only met with disrespect an'd 
unfeeling desertion. The esteem in which I held his tutor 
has received the most cold and cruel return ; while my wait- 
ing-maid — she in whose integrity and prudence I confided 
with unqualified assurance — has committed herself, stolen the 
affections — but whither am I wandering ?" enquired the lady 
of herself — " I mean has sought to entangle the affections — 
that is, mean, expected — that is, desired — I know not what I 
mean, or why I refer to the subject at all; to me it can be of 



70 THE RAMBLES OF 

no consequence — I am, I fear, about to be bereaved of my 
senses ; — was ever woman circumstanced as I am ?" 

At the end of two hours her emotions had mounted to 
such a height, and acquired such fearful power, as to render 
it impossible she could sustain them, and therefore she again 
rang the bell with more than usual violence, and desired the 
servant who entered to inform Mr. Ferule she wished to see 
him directly. 

At the moment the message reached the tutor, he was em- 
ploying his eloquence in striving to sooth the disconsolate 
Miss Pin well — who was making arrangements to leave the 
house — with declarations of inviolable affection. 

" I will wait upon her ladyship immediately," said Mr. 
Ferule to the servant. 

" You surely are not serious in what you say, Mr. Ferule?" 
observed Miss Pinwell as the messenger left the room. 

" Not serious ?" rejoined the tutor. " In what, Miss Pin- 
well, do you imagine I am otherwise than serious ?" 

" In what ?" returned the waiting-maid, with emphasis, 
" in waiting upon Lady Bolio, certainly." 

" Why should I not ?" enquired Ferule. 

" Because," said Miss Pinwell, " I fear lest something 
should occur, which might have the tendency to cause a re- 
petition of the distressing scene we so recently witnessed." 

" No danger of that exists," rejoined the tutor. " Lady 
Bolio is fully acquainted with the fact of our mutual attach- 
ment ; and, besides which, we cannot now be considered as 
parts of her establishment. Doubtless her object in re- 
quiring my attendance is, that she may confirm her expressed 
determination, and settle the pecuniary account which exists 
between us. Of the particulars of which I will hasten back 
to inform you and complete such arrangements as circum- 
stances may require ; 'till then, dear Miss Pinwell, farewell, 
and believe me when I say that, in the fullest sense, I can 
employ the poet's language as my own, — 

" To thee will ever turn my faithful soul, 
As turns the needle constant to the pole ; 
No time will change, nor circumstances sever, 
My heart from thee, which loves, and must love ever !" 

Such a string of heroics, delivered with all due regard to 
intonation, emphasis, and action, could have scarced failed 
to convince any young lady, similarly circumstanced, of 
the ardour and undying affection of the person who delivered 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 71 

them. To Miss Pinwell they were perfectly satisfactory, at 
least at the moment she thought they were, and hence she 
heard the retreating steps of Mr. Ferule without swooning 
or falling into hysterics. 

From the time that Lady Bolio had despatched the ser- 
vant for Mr. Ferule, up to the moment that he entered the 
apartment, in which her ladyship still paced with hurried 
steps, she had been striving to screw up her feelings to such 
a state of tension as that not even the presence of the fa- 
voured tutor himself should be able to move her. 

" So, Mr. Ferule," said Lady Bolio, as he appeared before 
her, " I have sent for you — that is, I desired your attend- 
ance in order — " 

Whether her ladyship laboured for thought, or for lan- 
guage to express her thoughts, or for breath to give utter- 
ance to language, is immaterial; before she could finish 
the above sentence she " stuck fast." Mr. Ferule, in order 
to deliver himself, as well as Lady Bolio, from the awkward 
dilemma in which he felt himself placed, observed, — 

" I have attended your summons, Lady Bolio, and wait to 
receive your commands." 

" It is well," rejoined her ladyship with considerable 
emotion. 

* tf If I have offended you, Madam," said Ferule, " I—" 

" V 5 r ° u have, Mr. Ferule," interrupted the lady — " if — 
surely, Sir, you do not feel disposed to plead ignorance on a 
subject with which you must be well acquainted ?" 

" I assure your ladyship," replied the tutor, " any offence 
I may have given has been perfectly unintentional, and — " 

"Oh! certainly, certainly," exclaimed Lady Bolio, "unin- 
tentional of course ; yes, that was 'perfectly unintentional, I 
dare say, with which that young woman charged you ; it was 
•perfectly unintentional, without doubt, that you paid her 
such delicate attentions scarcely two hours ago in my pre- 
sence." 

" I regret most sincerely, Lady Bolio," replied Mr. Ferule, 
" that I have given you offence, and I beg leave again to de- 
clare it was unintentional. But may I enquire your lady- 
ship's present commands ?" 

M Oh ! then, I suppose, you cannot spare time to wait my 
pleasure," replied Lady Bolio, somewhat piqued at the man- 
ner of Ferule, as well as vexed with herself for displaying 
emotions she would fain have concealed. 



72 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Madam," returned Ferule, u you mistake me ; I merely 
wished to enquire your ladyship's pleasure, that I might, if 
possible, attend to it before my departure." 

" Before your departure !" exclaimed Lady Bolio, scarcely 
aware of the expression to which she gave utterance, until 
the expression had entered into the tutor's tympanium, from 
whence she could not extract it. 

" Yes, Madam," returned Mr. Ferule, " before I leave 
your house as well as your service." 

" Do you fully intend to leave then?" enquire her lady- 
ship in softened tone. " Perhaps I was rather too hasty ;" 
and then, as her mind glared back upon the scene with Miss 
Pinwell, and the expressions of attachment which he had 
uttered towards her revived in her recollection, she added 
with fresh warmth, " It was the degrading position in which 
you placed yourself with that young person which put me 
beside myself." Again she softened, and showed all the 
woman in her excited feeling. — "You could not possibly 
mean what you expressed, Mr. Ferule?" she continued; 
" mere sympathy for our weak sex, under peculiar circum- 
stances, must have been the cause. Well, as you have re- 
peated your professions of regret at having given offence, I 
must, of course, believe it was as I have supposed, and shall 
therefore pass over the affair without further notice. Be 
seated, Mr. Ferule," added her ladyship, pleased with the 
conclusion to which she had brought her own premises, " I 
wish to consult with you respecting my dear lost Claudius." 

The desire, which was expressed in the kindest manner by 
Lady Bolio, that Mr. Ferule would be seated, was cheerfully 
attended to by him. 

"No tidings have yet been received concerning him," 
subjoined the lady, drawing her chair towards the one occu- 
pied by the tutor. 

" None that I am aware of, Madam," said Mr. Ferule. 

" Heigho !" said the lady, " how had I better act, Mr. 
Ferule ? — You surely are not disposed to leave me under 
such peculiarly distressing circumstances'?" 

" I know not, my lady, how you can act in reference to 
Master Bolio," replied the tutor, " with more propriety, or 
indeed otherwise than you have done ; — but as to my leaving 
you, Madam, I only obey, in so doing, your ladyship's will." 

"My dear Mr. Ferule," returned Lady Bolio, drawing 
close to his side, " I own I was somewhat too hasty in my 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 73 

expression to you, but that has passed away ; I need your 
services more than ever, indeed I cannot do without them ; 
my own mind is too much excited and disturbed to attend to 
the affairs of my household. I feel more and more that I 
am a lonely woman and require the assistance which you can 
render me. If the salary you have received as my son's 
tutor is considered insufficient, make your own stipulation, 
and I will, whatever it may be, agree to it." 

w I feel the obligation under which your ladyship is laying 
me," returned Mr. Ferule, " and as I never have been will- 
ingly, so I never will be, — ungrateful for your favour. In 
whatever way, therefore, I can render you service, it will be 
my constant pleasure and study to do so." 

" Why, that is speaking like yourself again, Mr. Ferule," 
said the lady, while the internal gratification she experienced 
beamed forth from her sparkling eyes. " Your first piece of 
service then shall be to assure me you will not leave my 
house ; for, as I have said, your assistance is indispensable." 

•'As your ladyship appears to wish I should remain/' 
replied the tutor, te I shall not, I am sure, feel desirous to 
leave. Have you any further commands, Madam ?" he added, 
rising from his chair. 

"Not at present, Mr. Ferule," said her ladyship, following 
his example, and following him to the door of the apartment, 
at which he bowed, and withdrew. 

For some minutes Lady Bolio felt as if the heat and 
weight of Mount Stromboli had been taken from her op- 
pressed frame. She walked with as much buoyancy as if 
forty years had been struck out of the record of her past ex- 
istence, and seemed actually to forget that she was a mother. 
But this Elysial feeling, this heaven of bliss, however, was of 
brief duration, — as evanescent as it was delicious and excit- 
ing. 5?he scathing recollection rushed like lightning through 
her brain of dear Mr. Ferule's declaration of constant affec- 
tion to her waiting-maid. Oh! the pangs and penalties, 
the unutterable and inconceivable torment of despised love, 
albeit that love be merely Platonic in its nature. Lady Bolio 
seemed to feel what Young has so powerfully described when 
making his Moor descant on jealousy : — 

•' I have turn'd o'er the catalogue of woes 
Which sting the heart of man, and find none equal. 
It is the hydra of calamities, 
The seven-fold death ; the jealous are the damn'd ! 



7i THE RAMBLES OF 

0, Jealousy ! each other passion's calm 
To thee, thou conflagration of the soul! 
Thou king of torments ! the grand counterpoise 
For all the transports beauty can inspire !" 

Like another Roxana, she could bear — 

" No favour'd rival near her throne." 

Nothing, surely, is half so ridiculous as an old man or 
woman in love. Too well skilled in the deceptions by which 
they were entrapped in the heyday of youth to enter fully into 
the magic circle, and strive to fill themselves with that which 
never satisfies, and yet too powerfully allured by the glare 
which promised enjoyment presents, they seem circum- 
stanced like him of fabled memory — who, suspended be- 
twixt heaven and hell, partook fully of neither, yet dreaded 
the one, and feared the loss of the other. In such pitiable 
condition Lady Bolio now felt herself. Her moment of 
enjoyment lately tasted had passed away, and all the misery 
which such loss occasioned festered upon the core of her 
being. 

One only way presented itself by which she could hope 
even for deliverance from the torture of doubt and the enjoy- 
ment of hope, and that was by issuing a positive order for 
Miss Pinwell to leave the house immediately. Her hand was 
already on the bell-pull, when she bethought herself that the 
better way to proceed would be to have the assurance from 
Mr. Ferule himself, that he really did not mean what he had 
said as he raised the fainting lady from her fainting fit. 
Yet, how to obtain this was a question she could not directly 
answer. At a time like the present, thought rather inflames 
than cools ; yet Lady Bolio attempted to think. Fortunately, 
she recollected the kind statement which the tutor had just 
made to herself, " that in whatever* way he could serve her, it 
would be his happiness and study to do it." She had, 
indeed, by laying the emphasis upon a different word than 
that on which Mr. Ferule had placed it, in no small degree 
changed the meaning of the sentence ; but she perceived it 
not — she read it as her own feelings dictated ; and now, half 
hoping, half fearing, rang the bell, determining to call upon 
Mr. Ferule to fulfil his promise, by serving her as she 
wished to be served, whether he could so serve her or not. 

" Oh, Janet," said her ladyship, with assumed nonchalance, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. / O 

as the servant entered/" say to Mr. Ferule, I shall be glad to 
see him for a moment if he is not too greatly engaged." 

" Yes, Ma'am/' said Janet, and, curtseying, withdrew. 

The brief period which elapsed between her orders being 
given and Mr. Ferule's appearance was actively employed by 
Lady Bolio in arranging her head-dress and putting in order 
some straggling ringlets which had that morning been sent 
from her hair-dresser's, and which now sported luxuriantly 
to the no small embellishment of her ladyship's physiognomy 
on each side of her temples, concealing most effectively 

"The silver locks which age had given, 
As suited to her wrinkled brow." 

" I am sorry, Mr. Ferule," said Lady Bolio, as he entered, 
" to trouble you again ; but as you have so kindly promised to 
serve me — " she hesitated — 

** In all I can, Madam," replied Ferule, " I shall feel most 
happy to do so." 

" Thank you, Mr. Ferule," returned her ladyship, " you 
are very kind. I have ever found you ready to seek the 
interest of myself and son. I regret that you have not hi- 
therto met with the reward which such exemplary services 
have a claim to." 

" A consciousness, Madam," returned the tutor, " of having 
performed to the extent of our abilities the duties which pro- 
vidence has imposed upon us, is ever found to be a high and 
rich reward to the conscience of an honest man, although 
every other should be withheld." 

" Oh ! Mr. Ferule," sighed Lady Bolio, almost overcome 
)y the lofty sentiments of the dapper pedagogue, " how much 
flo I admire your noble spirit ! but," she added, "if a com- 
pensation, as far equal to your deservings as'/ can render is 
not enjoyed by you, it will be no fault of mine, I assure you. 
I shall be most happy, to the extent of my poor abilities, to 
make you the happiest of men. If all I possess can do it — " 

"Madam !" exclaimed Ferule, starting, as if stung by a 
dragon-fly, " What mean you ? I do not understand." 

"What do I mean, Mr. Ferule ?" interrupted her ladyship, 
half confused, half confounded," I — I mean — nothing. What 
could you suppose I meant ? That is, I mean I shall feel 
proud to evince my high regard of your worth and character 
by making you every return in my power. Now, do be seated, 
* E 2 



70 THE RAMBLES OF 

Mr. Ferule, and attend to what I wish you would have the 
kindness to perform for me/' 

" With pleasure, Madam," replied the tutor, taking the 
offered chair, " I am bound to do all I can do, and, as I have 
repeated, I shall feel most happy in the performance of it." 

" Well, then, there is one little point I must trouble you to 
settle for me directly — my nerves are too much affected at 
present to attend to any arrangement in my establishment. 
I never take pleasure, my dear Mr. Ferule, in dismissing a 
servant ; indeed, it is always a painful task to me, although 
sometimes a necessary duty. You understand me, Mr. 
Ferule?" 

" Perfectly, Madam," replied the tutor. 

" Well, then," said Lady Bolio, " I wish you would, with- 
out delay, settle my account with Miss Pin well." 

" With Miss Pinwell, Madam I" exclaimed the astounded 
Ferule, starting from his seat, and gazing upon her ladyship 
with distended organs. 

" Ye — ye — yes ;" stammered out the lady. "You do not 
object, I hope, Mr. Ferule ?" 

" Object, Madam?" replied the little man, " Oh, no, no, 
Madam, certainly not. If it is your wish, why — " 

"That is kind now, very kind," observed Lady Bolio, 
brightening up again. " I am indebted to her one half-year's 
salary. There are fifteen pounds, ten shillings ; and, in con- 
sideration of her past services, and the obligation I am under 
to dismiss her thus suddenly, there are ten pounds in addi- 
tion, which I intend making a present to her;" and she 
spread the notes upon the table as she spoke. " Now, you 
will oblige me by paying that sum into her hands, and seeing 
that she leaves this house this evening." 

" I promised you, Madam," replied Ferule, in the utmost 
amazement, " that all I could do, I would cheerfully perform ; 
but, as I feel no obligation from the office I have filled in 
your establishment, so neither have I the inclination to per- 
form this work. However, Madam," he continued, " I have 
no doubt that Miss Pinwell, as well as myself, will be willing 
to attend to your ladyship's wish in this respect." 

" What do you mean, Mr. Ferule ?" exclaimed her lady- 
ship, almost fainting with alarm. 

" I mean, Madam," replied the tutor, with calm emphasis, 
" to prove, that although I may not retain your ladyship's 
favour, I will deserve it I" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 77 

" Yes, dear Mr. Ferule," returned Lady Bolio — " You do 
deserve it ; and I am convinced you always will deserve." 

" I should not, Madam," rejoined Ferule, " were I to de- 
sert a woman who has given me her heart, and to whom I 
have pledged myself. In such case I should be a very rogue, 
an execrable villain, deserving only universal scorn." 

" True, true, Mr. Ferule," exclaimed Lady Bolio, who, 
by some unaccountable obliquity of conception, applied his 
ardent declaration to herself instead of Miss Pin well. — "Then 
you do accept the offer, which I blush to tender ? Oh ! my 
dear Mr. Ferule, from what a load of misery have you re- 
lieved me !" 

The surprise and confusion of Ferule at this singular de- 
claration, and the palpable mistake under which Lady Bolio 
laboured were so great, that for several moments he could 
neither oppose the endearing actions, nor undeceive the in- 
fatuated mind of the doating lady, — at length he exclaimed : — 

" Madam, you are labouring under an error, from which, 
as a man of honour, I am bound to relieve you. — It is to 
Miss Pinwell I stand engaged !" 

Had a lighted bomb-shell suddenly fallen into the centre 
of the room, and by its loud hissing announced impending 
destruction, the excited countenance of Lady Bolio could 
scarcely have displayed the working of more powerful pas- 
sion,; — the effect produced was crushing as it was sudden 
and unexpected. 

"To Miss Pinwell!" shrieked Lady Bolio, and, stagger- 
ing to the sofa, almost fainted as she fell upon it.—" Oh, you 
ungrateful man !" she continued — as soon as she could find 
sufficient breath to do so — " Is it thus you return the high 
regard in which I have held you ? Is it thus I am treated in 
return for the sacrifice I was ready to make ? But, no mat- 
ter, Sir," she added, raising herself from the recumbent po- 
sition she had assumed, — " I will let you see that a woman 
can scorn and hate as strongly as she can — respect." 

" I have not merited your scorn or hatred, Madam," re- 
plied Ferule ; " nor am I conscious of having done aught to 
forfeit the respect in which you were pleased to hold me. 
But, now, Madam," he added, retreating towards the door 
as he spoke, " since this explanation has taken place, propri- 
ety dictates that Miss Pinwell and myself should immedi- 
ately leave your residence. We shall only wait your lady- 



78 THE RAMBLES OF 

ship's pleasure to close our accounts with us, and then 
withdraw." 

" Mr. Ferule, — dear Mr. Ferule !" cried her ladyship, 
roused and softened hy his motion towards the door, — " stay 
but one moment, and consider before you determine." 

"I have considered, Madam," returned Ferule, "and 
upon that consideration my determination is formed, — your 
servant." So saying, be bowed respectfully and retired. 
****** 

The clock in the hall had struck three, just as a party re- 
turned from an unsuccessful search after Claudius ; in order 
to communicate which intelligence to Lady Bolio, a servant 
entered her apartment. A loud shriek burst from the lips of 
the affrighted girl as she run from the room screaming with 
terror — and " Help, help, help — my lady is dead, — is mur- 
dered !" — sounded through the mansion. 

The cries of the terrified girl soon collected a posse of at- 
tendants, who, hastening to the room from which the servant 
had fled as if followed by a blood-dripping dagger, found 
Lady Bolio lying senseless upon the carpet drenched in 
blood. With care and despatch they raised and placed her 
cold form upon the sofa, while a messenger was despatched, 
post haste, for Doctor Leachum. In a short time the skilful 
leech arrived, and proceeded to examine the injury which her 
ladyship had received. As soon as the blood was washed 
from her face, it was discovered that, in addition to two or 
three bruises, a wound had been inflicted on her right tem- 
ple, which, as Mercutio would have said, was " not so deep 
as a well, nor so wide as a church door." Several layers of 
strapping were soon applied to the incision, and a bandage 
wound round the lady's head, when, upon the use of some 
powerful remedies, signs were given of returning conscious- 
ness. 

Immediately, upon opening her eyes, she looked wildly 
round, with the astonishment of one suddenly roused from 
a confused dream. 

"What does all this mean ?" enquired her ladyship. 

" Be composed, Madam," replied Leachum, " your lady- 
ship has met with a slight accident, but with quietness, and 
such attention as I shall give, no serious consequences need 
be apprehended ; and soon, I hope, you will be perfectly 
restored." 

"Where is Mr. Ferule?" resumed her ladyship, looking 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 79 

round the group, — and then, as if a sudden but confused 
recollection of past circumstances was possessed by her, she 
added, — " I have something particular to say to Mr. Ferule, 
desire him to attend upon me directly." 

" Mr. Ferule, my lady," answered a servant, " has left the 
house more than an hour ago in company with Miss Pin well.'* 

"Left the house!" shouted Lady Bolio — "with Miss Pinwell 
too ?— -Oh! oh, oh," and again she fainted. 

There was a degree of mystery about this part of the busi- 
ness, which even the occult skill of the disciple of Esculapius 
could not unravel. He directed, however, that her ladyship 
should immediately be conveyed to her chamber, which 
order, after some considerable trouble in consequence of the 
rotundity of Lady Bolio's person, was attended to, and the 
languid patient, by the active exertion of half a dozen female 
servants, was placed in bed. 

That a variety of suspicions and dark surmises should be 
entertained by the different members of Lady Bolio's esta- 
blishment, concerning the condition in which she had been 
found, was perfectly natural; connected too, as it appeared 
to be, with the flight of Mr. Ferule and Miss Pinwell. Now 
the fact of the case is simply this, — the high Platonic feeling 
of Lady Bolio received so powerful a shock on hearing Mr. 
Ferule's plain declaration of his engagement with Miss Pin- 
well; that immediately on his leaving her apartment, shame 
and disappointed love acted so powerfully upon her sensitive 
nature that all consciousness of the trouble of this naughty 
world faded from her 

u Like the baseless fabric of a vision;" 

and, falling in a fainting fit from the sofa on which she had 
reclined, her temple came in violent contact with the corner 
of her footstool, by which means she received the wound 
referred to, and in that condition, — " bleeding at this new 
made pore"— she had lain until the entry of the servant led to 
the discovery. 

During the first night of Lady Bolio's confinement, her 
mind wandered continually to the object of her soul's affec- 
tion, and, in accents corresponding with such feeling, she 
repeatedly called for Mr. Ferule: sometimes, the partner of 
his travels, — Miss Pinwell, was named, and then a wild inco- 
herent string of complaints, gratulations, and criminations, 
was uttered by her. 



80 THE RAMBLES OF 

"For shame, Mr. Ferule!" exclaimed her ladyship, — "con- 
sider what you are doing, — ah! how degrading, — well, well, 
mighty fine 'pon my word, — what, with a waiting maid ?■ — 
now that is kind — very, very kind, — bear her away, — put 
her from the room. — Yes, yes, every thing, — all I possess 
shall be yours, — there, there is my signature: — now you will 
not leave me, will you dear ? — no, no ; I do, indeed, I do be- 
lieve you." 

In this way the lady continued to rave the whole night, 
while those who attended upon her, supposing that her ex- 
pressions of regret and of fond endearment referred to the 
lost Claudius, sympathised with their afflicted mistress, and 
regretted their want of ability to minister to her wants or re- 
lieve her from her sufferings. 

Week after week passed away, and no tidings could be 
obtained of Master Bolio; during all which time the lady 
was confined entirely to her room, and almost to her bed. 
Once, and only once, Mr. Ferule had called at the mansion 
since his departure, on which occasion he was favoured with 
a tete a iete with Lady Bolio solus. What the nature of the 
interview might have been has not transpired; all that is 
known is that the tutor, having brought with him Miss Pin- 
well's authority to receive her salary, had done so, together 
with his own, and that shortly after his departure, the invalid 
experienced a serious relapse, which threatened serious con- 
sequences. The attendants sagely enough concluded that 
the fresh attack had been the result of a renewed recollection 
of Claudius occasioned by the sight of his tutor. 

The assiduities of Doctor Leachum, like the surgeon of 
Seville, were incessant ; and if, like that renowned personage, 
he had not recourse to bleeding and hot water as an exclu- 
sive and infallible panacea, he at least did not spare the 
lancet, omit draughts, or furnish a niggard supply of pills 
and boluses. By these wholesome, means, and spare diet, 
he succeeded effectually in suppressing fever, by draining 
almost every drop of blood from her system, and reducing 
her " too solid flesh," if not " into a dew," to little less than 
the "unsubstantial shadow of what it was." 

Having thus practised his art successfully upon Lady 
Bolio's frame, so that if any spark of Platonic, or any other 
kind of affection almost, had hitherto lurked in any portion 
of her body, it must, without doubt, have been " bled and 
purged away," he had recourse to a more generous mode 01 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. SI 

treatment to bring her into flesh again. He ordered that 
rich jellies, nourishing soups, cheering cordials, and invigor- 
ating wine, should be taken as often, and in as large quanti- 
ties, as the stomach would receive without loathing. 

The reduction of Lady Bolio had been the work of only a 
few weeks, so perfectly did Leechum understand, and so 
successfully practise, the depletive part of his profession ; but 
to re-invigorate debilitated nature was a task of much more 
difficult character, and hence, after months had elapsed, she 
was merely able to rise from her bed and stagger from one 
end of the apartment to the other. 

" Do you really think I am better ?" enquired her ladyship 
of Dr. Leechum, during one of his visits. 

"Better, my lady!" replied Leechum, "beyond a doubt. 
Your pulse, madam/' he observed, taking her wrist gently 
between his thumb and finger, " your pulse, madam, is re- 
gular and placid as an infant's ; a leetle more action, perhaps, 
is desirable. You sleep well, do you not ?" 

" Only middling, doctor," answered the lady ; " scarcely 
nine hours the whole night long, and not above two-thirds 
that time in the day," 

" Well, well," said the leech, " that is but middling, still it 
is better than to sleep too soundly all at once. Your appe- 
tite is improving r" 

" Not exactly so," replied her ladyship. 

" Ah, well, that's of no great consequence," returned the 
doctor, " the digestive organs have not as yet quite recovered 
their usual tone of action. A little bark will soon set that 
right. Your tongue, madam, — allow me, if you please ? — 
Umph !" said the man of the pestle and mortar, as he looked 
professionally upon the unruly member which hung out 
of Lady Bolio's mouth; "that's good — decidedly so — no 
disease, that is- certain. Fever has entirely disappeared ; a 
small portion of languor merely, proceeding from weakness. 
You, of course* took the draught which I sent you last 
night r" 

"The draughty doctor ?" said Lady Bolio, " no ; surely my 
servant did not omit it." 

The doctor turned over the leaves of his visiting memoran- 
dum, and added, " Oh ! I see, it was my mistake — none was 
sent — it was unnecessary ; however, we will take care and 
supply you this evening, and as soon as the season will per- 
mit I should recommend a visit to Bath or Clifton ; the sa~ 

e 5 



62 THE RAMBLES OF 

lubrity and bracing qualities of those charming spots, and 
the fashionable company that resorts thither, will, I have no 
doubt, with a little care, and some attention from myself to 
your system, completely restore you." 

"Your kind attentions, doctor," rejoined Lady Bolio, 
" will, I fear, never be repaid by me." 

" Why, in truth, madam," said the leech, " yours was a 
case which required all the skill and attention that could be 
obtained, and I am proud to have been the means of accom- 
plishing so much as has already been done. But my time 
is gone," he continued, looking at his repeater. " Good 
morning !" he added, as he bowed, and withdrew. 

It should be observed, that in one particular, at least, Dr. 
Leechum was unquestionably skilful — in the slang of his 
profession. He could produce a reason for any failure, and 
lay claim, without blushing, to having performed a miracu- 
lous cure, although by his treatment he had reduced his 
patient to the borders of the grave; and then, if by some 
extraordinary effort of nature, or a successful experiment, the 
half-murdered invalid rallied, and so baulked the grave man 
and the physician, the whole circle of his connexions were 
informed of it by his agents, and, instead of receiving a well- 
deserved bastinado upon his breech, a handsome doucier is 
thrust into his purse, and the loud voice of ignorance trum- 
pets forth his fame. 

In the experience of Lady Bolio the case was precisely as 
has been stated ; and, when at length she had so far recovered 
as to direct arrangements should be made for spending a 
season at the places recommended, she insisted that the doc- 
tor — to whom she was under such lasting obligations, and 
without whose presence she dared not venture forth— should, 
in company with his lady, spend as much of the season with 
her, at the mansion she had engaged, as his professional 
duties would allow 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 



CHAPTER VII. 

"Aye,— by a holy Palmer's faith, 1 swear 
The metamorphis suits the youngster well. 
Had madam Nature, in a merry mood, 
Design'd him for the office that he fills, 
Her art could scarce have made a better fit. 
At every point he is the thing he apes. 
From the gold lace he on his bonnet wears, 
E'en to the well-gloss'd shoe his livery fits ; 
While he in spirit suits the dress he -wears." 

J. Young. 

The Reverend Winchester Titheum, D.D., to a slight ac- 
quaintance with whom the reader has been already intro- 
duced, and of whom something more remains to be stated, 
from his present connexion with the history of our hero, 
felt proud to be able to boast of himself as a sprig of nobility. 
If, indeed, he had been influenced by nobility of spirit, he 
would have allowed that circumstance to pass without notice, 
from the consideration that even royal descent could add 
nothing to deserved reputation, nor of itself communicate 
honour, while that which constitutes true dignity is not pos- 
sessed ; — dignity of mind, and nobility of principle. But, 
what will not a man do in such degenerate times to be gaped 
lpon by his fellow-men as a descendant of a noble line ? It 
s true there is no more credit in such circumstance than 
there is discredit in being the offspring of a felon, neither of 
the descendants having any hand in the matter. Such, how- 
ever, was Dr. Titheum ; and to that circumstance, in all pro- 
bability, rather than to any natural or acquired recommenda- 
tion, he was indebted for clerical honours and preferment, as 
well as the seat which he filled upon the magisterial bench. 

Once he had entered the delectable state of matrimony ; 
but, at the time that he engaged Claudius professionally as a 
livery servant — but really as his factotum — his lad of all- 
work — he had worn the symbols of widowhood nearly eight 
months : but time, that softener of the acutest sorrow, had 
considerably mellowed his, so that, as has been seen, his 
great loss (Mrs. Titheum had nearly doubled the doctor's 
weight) interfered not with that hilarity of spirit which it be- 
hoved him to display at all convivial meetings. 

The fruit of the divine's matrimonial connexion was one 
daughter, who the same day that the mother ceased to live 



84 THE RAMBLES OF 

entered her sixteenth year. If the heated and half- crazed 
imagination of a poet had been allowed to descant on the per- 
sonal charms of the lovely girl, he would have spoken of her 
as Byron did of his first lady-love, as being formed out of a 
rainbow — all beauty and spirit ; but a mere matter-of-fact 
man would have described her as she really was — a very 
beautiful creature, but withal, a very daughter of Eve. 

In person she was tall and slender. Her countenance 
would have led any physiognomist to pronounce her a satirist 
of no mean power ; and in forming such judgment he would 
not have erred. Her swan-like neck, and finely moulded 
shoulders, which were fair as Parian marble, and beautifully 
tinted with the warm glow of life, were partly concealed by 
clustering locks of glossy chestnut-coloured hair, which the 
maiden allowed to fall in natural and unconfined curls. 

It is not too much to say, that the doctor was justly proud 
of his beloved Georgiana ; and what fond parent would not 
have been proud of such a gem of human nature? He 
had been lavish in his expenditure to procure all the advan- 
tages and embellishments which a finished education could 
afford her. In pursuing this object, however, he had com- 
mitted one cardinal blunder; but which, having become 
fashionable, is, like all other fashionable absurdities, as fairly 
considered an act of propriety as if truth and advantage sup- 
ported the notion : — that is, he had transported his daughter 
for some years to a celebrated boarding-school in the vicinity 
of Paris ; and, as a necessary,— or at least, general conse- 
quence, she had returned learned in frothy literature, and an 
adept in Parisian artifice and intrigue. 

Of the doctor himself little more need be stated to render 
the reader sufficiently familiar with his character and habits. 
It is admitted, that he did indeed lack the power, and, per- 
haps, would have blushed (although of that act of disgrace to 
a plump, ruddy phiz, he was not very frequently guilty) to 
have laid claim to an art equal to that possessed by the Athe- 
nian orator, Antipion, to drive away sadness ; nevertheless, he 
was, — as it is reported to have been the ease with that poet 
and orator, — fond of selling his orations at a very high rate ; 
hence, although his living — without including all he could 
legally insist upon, — and all he could he did, — amounted to 
the no very despicable sum of upwards of eighteen hundred 
pounds a year — he felt no compunctious throes of conscience, 
— notwithstanding having been moved by the Holy Ghost to 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 85 

enter into holy orders, — at refusing to preach any oftener 
than the authority of his diocesan rendered obligatory ; and 
even such obligation his ghostly (query, fleshly) reverence 
contrived to evade the personal endurance of by engaging a 
proxy to perform this part, as well as the general fag of his 
other duties. 

The gentleman whom Dr. Titheum had engaged as his 
curate was a needy, unpatronised son of the church — " a 
brother beloved/' who had recently graduated at Oxford, and 
who, for the liberal consideration of seventy pounds a year, 
and an occasional feed with his rector, undertook to do the 
thing for him. 

Pshaw ! Gentle Sir, we anticipate your grave look while 
you pause or re-read the statement just made — but of its 
verity we pledge our fair fame and undying honours in the 
republic of literature. But who in all this matter can cry 
shame, while the well-known adage is practically, or in spirit, 
observed by all ? — " Fresh violets, when cheap, send forth an 
unsavoury odour." 

Mr. Milksop, the doctor's lecturer, possessed a kindred 
spirit with his own, although in personal appearance he was 
strikingly dissimilar. He was a tall, lank personage, some- 
what about two yards long ; his cadaverous aspect and thin 
body formed as fine a contrast with the rector's plump cheeks 
and " fair round form," as one seeking the complete opposite 
of mortal things could possibly have found. The doctor, 
indeed, was the wiser man of the two ; for he let the world 
wag as it would, without perplexing himself about its busy 
workings any further than immediately concerned his own 
interests and enjoyments ; while Mr. Milksop was a politi- 
cian of the first class, — a complete out-and-outer, so that 
rather than have possessed the mitre of a bishop without 
blending the political with the priestly character, he would, 
had the offer been made him, have thrown up the dazzling 
order to have filled a seat in the lower house. 

It is scarcely necessary to mention to the reader what he 
must already have observed, namely, that the rector was 
fond, — very fond of a pipe. Like the learned professor, Box- 
hornius, of Leyden, he was almost an incessant smoker. Of 
the professor it is stated, that he wore a large-brimmed hat, 
with a hole in front of it, through which he dexterously thrust 
his pipe, by which clever contrivance he obtained ah excel- 
lent support for the earthen tube while he studied and 



86 THE RAMBLES OF 

wrote. Now to this extent there was no parallel between 
those dignitaries, inasmuch as Doctor Titheum did not wear 
a hat when smoking in the house, as he required no support 
for his pipe of the description used by the learned professor, 
and simply, because he was not, like him, in the habit of 
studying. 

" The members of the rector's establishment consisted of a 
lusty cook, who had ministered to his appetite for some two 
or three years with credit, — -a housemaid, and a man who 
filled the opposite and responsible offices of butler, gardener, 
and coachman — for the doctor maintained it as firmly as he 
believed in the thirty-nine articles, that no sinecurist was 
worth the salt he ate, whether found in a state or a family, 
and, therefore, he determined that no one should hold a sine- 
cure under his roof. 

On the next morning after the doctor's return from Far- 
mer Primrose's, a messenger was despatched to Mr. Jacob 
Buckram's, the family tailor, desiring his immediate attend- 
ance at the rectory, to which order the sheer man paid 
prompt attention. Immediately upon Snip's arrival, he was 
ushered into the august presence of the doctor. 

"So, Mr. Buckram," said his reverence, "have you 
brought a measure with you ?" 

" Yes, please you," replied Buckram, making a salaam of 
modern cut, well suited for a high day salute to any three- 
tailed bashaw. "What garment shall I take measure of 
your reverence for?" he enquired. 

"I do not want any thing for my own person, Master 
Jacob," returned the doctor, "but I have taken a fancy to a 
poor lad, whom I met with yesterday, and for him I wish 
you to make, with all possible haste, two suits of clothes ; 
one of such a sort as he will require to perform his task 
about the house and garden in, and the other I wish to be a 
good livery, fit for him to appear before company in, and to 
attend myself or my daughter when we pay any visits. You 
understand me, Mr. Buckram ?" 

"O yes, Sir," replied Snip; "your reverence's orders 
shall be attended to." 

"I expect company the day after to-morrow," added the 
doctor, " by that time the best suit must- be brought home." 

" It shall be here, without fail," replied Buckram. " Does 
your reverence wish that any change should be made in the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 87 

quality or colour of the cloth from those I made before for 
your servant ?" 

" No," answered the doctor, " in neither ;— but take care 
you are punctual, Master Jacob. We who are in the com- 
mission of the peace love punctuality. You will find the 
lad in the kitchen. Good morning, Mr, Buckram/' 

" Good morning, Sir," replied Buckram. "You may de- 
pend upon me, Sir. I never disappoint a customer who 
can afford to pay," he added, in an under tone, as he backed 
and bowed out of the room, and hastened to seek Claudius. 

In a few minutes his measuring tape was wound round and 
stretched in perpendicular position on the person of the 
Gypsy boy. Having taken his dimensions, he re-measured 
the foot of Betty, the cook, who, with native kindness, un- 
locked her private store, and supplied the man of tape and 
bobbin with a large thimble-full of excellent Sherry, which 
she had carefully preserved among a few other bottles as 
some of the perquisites of her office. 

At the appointed time Claudius stood before the rector in 
his span new livery, his camp equipage having been, with due 
form and ceremony, consigned to the flames, as a purifying 
process it was considered indispensable it should undergo. 
So greatly had a change of dress improved the personal ap- 
pearance of Claudius, that even the doctor expressed his gra- 
tification as he appeared before him. The suit was of dark 
green, with metal buttons, neatly adorned with yellow braid- 
ing, and turned up with facings of the same colour. Instead 
of a hat he held in his hand a species of jockey cap, from the 
centre of the crown of which a yellow silk tassel depended, 
while the edges of the cap were bound with cord of the same 
bright character. 

" Umph !" said the doctor, as Claudius appeared in his 
presence ; " dress has certainly improved your appearance. I 
hope we shall be able to improve your habits and morals as 
greatly. It will be your own fault if you do not become 
respectable." 

Claudius, while under the instruction of Mr. Ferule, had 
been so far tutored into the art and mystery of elocution as 
to have cut no despicable figure among a group of juveniles, 
who at a Christmas party had enacted some scenes from 
Home's "Douglas" — and now, half forgetting himself, or 
conceiving that some of the lines he had then repeated, per- 
tinently applicable to the doctor's kind address, replied, 



88 THE RAMBLES OP 

" Rude [ am 
In speech and manners *, never till this hour 
Stood I in such presence ; yet, kind Sir, 
There's something in my breast, which makes me bold 
To say, that I will never shame your favour,'* 

" Heighday ! heighday !" shouted the doctor, looking at 
Claudius, as if incredulous whether his eyes, or his ears, de- 
ceived him, or if his new livery servant, or some more distin- 
guished personage, stood before him, — " a very Garrick I 
declare I" — he at length exclaimed ; "where learned you this 
my lad ? " enquired the Divine ; but before he permitted 
Claudius to reply, he continued, — " How do your clothes 
fit boy, eh ? turn about, turn about." 

" Very nicely, Sir, " replied Claudius, at the same time 
performing the rotary movement required of him. 

u Good, " said his reverence, closely inspectiug the fit, 
c you are quite willing, faithfully and truly to serve me, are 
you?" 

" I shall feel proud to do my best, Sir," answered Claudius. 

" Well, and fairly spoken, " rejoined the doctor, — " but 
remember I am in the commission of the peace, and while 
I reward liberally all who serve me well, I never fail to punish, 
with the utmost rigour, such as deserve it ; therefore, being 
forewarned, you will, I hope, take care. " 

" I shall not willingly incur your displeasure, Sir," replied 
Claudius. 

" Well, well, we shall make something of you I dare say, " 
said the rector, " I will just inform you of the few matters 
you will have to attend to. Do you understand waiting at 
table ?" 

" Yes, Sir, " answered the livery servant, " I can serve." 

" Oh ! ah ! certainly/' interrupted the doctor, " you were 
head waiter in the camp, I suppose. Ah ! ah ! ah ! well weU> 
we shall see ; a little instruction will qualify you for higher 
service. Now I expect company this evening, when it will 
be your duty to attend, some hours will elapse before then ; 
in the mean time Betty, the cook, will give you a lesson or 
two ; attend punctually to her directions, and I shall expect 
to find you a clever lad." 

" I will be sure to do so, Sir," answered Claudius. 

"Good," said the doctor, — "let me see," he continued, 
" you will have to clean boots and shoes, attend to the poultry 
and two or three cows, to clean the harness, and other little 



CAPTAIN BOLIO, 89 

matters ; when I go out, you will accompany me, and if Miss 
Georgiana requires you on any particular business, you must 
obey her instantly ; in short, you must make yourself handy 
and useful. For the first year's service, I shall give you four 
guineas, with two suits of clothes, and all the perquisites you 
get you may consider your own. If you are a good lad and 
steady, always speak the truth, seek to oblige every body, 
and are ready to perform whatever you are told to do, why 
your fortune will be made, and you may be as happy as the 
days are long, and I will take care, on the first opportunity, 
to advance you both in service and salary." 

To the several parts of this highly interesting address 
Claudius bowed, and half wished a memorandum had been 
furnished him of the various items of duty which he would 
be expected to attend to, fearing as he did, that, amidst their 
diversified and multiplied character, some might run through 
the sieve holes in his memory. 

The doctor having come to the end of his string of in- 
structions, Claudius was dismissed to the kitchen, there to 
receive a few fresh lessons, and some further directions, from 
the cook. With this important personage he succeeded, in 
a short time, to become a decided favourite, and was advan- 
taged not a little by her good graces. 

" Now," observed Mistress Fatpan, addressing herself to 
Claudius, " as I am to instillate some information into you, 
I must, in course, know if you are quite willing to learn. " 

" Oh ! quite so, I assure you," replied Claudius, " any 
body, I am sure, would be quite willing to learn from you." 

" Well now, that is very sensible said," observed the cook, 
flattered by the high opinion which Claudius appeared to 
entertain of her. " Well then, above all things in the world, 
I like to teach them as is willing to be constructed; now 
obsarve the first things you must do is to do nothing. " 

" Indeed !■" said Claudius, " I shall soon learn that, I dare 
say." 

"Well then," continued Mistress Fatpan, "you must be 
blind, deaf, and dumb. " 

"Oh ! I can't be blind, I can't indeed," said Claudius, rub- 
bing his eyes, " I'd give up the best place in the world before 
I'd part with my eyes. " 

" Ha, ha, ha," roared the cook in the most hearty style, 
"hexcellent, hexcellent upon my word; ha, ha, ha, well 
now, this ere shows how much need there is that I should 



90 THE RAMBLES OF 

edecate you. Now I tell you, Claudo, — that is your name 
I think." 

" Claudius, Mrs. Fatpan, " answered our hero. 

" Oh ! well, that's too long for a sarvant, Claudo will do ; now 
listen to me with intention Claudo," continued the cook, 
" and your fortin will soon be made. I say, in the first place, 
you must be blind, deaf, and dumb, as all good sarvants is. 
You must be blind to all you see in the kitchen, deaf to all 
you hear, and dumb to tell what you know. You compre- 
stand me now, don't you r" 

u Why ye — s," stammered out Claudius not more than half 
liking the first lesson for fear of unpleasant consequences 
which might ensue, " I think I do." 

" If you wish to succeed in a gentleman's family," con- 
tinued Mistress Fatpan, you must be on good terms with the 
upper sarvants : you had better offend the whole of the family 
than one of us. " 

"I'll take good care not to offend you," said Claudius, 
" I shall always feel happy to return your kindness in in- 
structing me." 

" There's a good lad," rejoined the cook, chucking him 
under the chin significantly, " now if you should see any 
thing this evening, which you are not quite acquainted with, 
you are not to see it, — do you see ?" 

" Why, yes," said Claudius, " I think I do. " 

" We intends enjoying ourselves in the kitchen," observed 
the cook, " while the gentle folks enjoys themselves in the 
drawing room, — do you see ? " 

" I think I do, " again replied Claudius. 

" Well, but you are not to see, " rejoined Mrs. Fatpan. 

" Oh, I understand," said Claudius,— " Eh ? eh ? eh ?" 
what can she mean thought he to himself, — " yes, I under- 
stand, — I don't see when I see." 

" That's right, that's right," cried the cook ; " we shall 
have a few of the parson's bottles, which Mister Joseph, the 
coachman and butler, has promised us ; and I'll take care of 
the eatables, — but you are blind you know ?" 

" Stone blind," cried Claudius. 

" Ah, ah, ah," roared the cook, — " and you must be 
deaf too." 

" As a post," returned Claudius. 

" And dumb," added Mistress Fatpan. 

" As an Egyptian mummy," cried Claudius. 

" An Egypt what ? " said the cook. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 91 

** An Egyptian mummy, " — returned the livery lad. 

" What in the world kind of a person is that ?" enquired 
the cook in surprise, "Is it somewhat that you Gypsies uses 
in telling fortins ?" 

" Not exactly, " returned our hero, — " it is a person that 
has neither eyes, ears, nor tongue." 

w Ah ! well, that is just what you are to be," replied Mrs. 
Fatpan. " Hexcellent I now, I think you understand all 
about it, — the other things you will get hold of by practice. 
Hush!" she continued, "I have a little cordial which I am 
obliged to take sometimes, my duties obligate me ; you, of 
course, see nothing." 

" Oh, not I," said Claudius, " nothing I assure you Mis- 
tress Fatpan. " 

f* Well then, you shall just taste it," said the cook, and 
going to a small cupboard of which she held the key, she 
took from it a stone bottle, and having poured out a brimmer, 
she swallowed it, without changing a single muscle of her full 
moon face, and then refilling the glass, presented it to Claudius, 
who, after a considerable time spent in ridiculing his squeam- 
ishness, and highly recommending the thing as an hexcellent 
preservetment against lowness of spirits, he put to his mouth 
and drank a portion of, persisting against taking the whole. 

" Well, I will not be rude and force it," observed the 
cook, " but it must be drunk, " and so saying, she good- 
naturedly made up Claudius' deficiency, by causing it to 
follow what she had before poured down her throat. 
Whether the spirit she had drunk operated upon her animal 
spirits, or whether the new dress in which Claudius was 
arrayed made him appear older than he really was, and 
therefore a fitter object of female regard, than he otherwise 
would have been, is a question which, like that of perpetual 
motion, has not been settled ; all that can with assurance be 
affirmed is, that Mistress Fatpan, like another Donna Innez, 
semed wishful to metamorphose Claudius into another Don 
Juan, — and with that point fully made up in her mind, she 
threw her brawny arms round the neck of our hero in the 
most gallant style, and before a thought of her intention had 
occurred to Claudius, would have accomplished her purpose 
fully, had not an incident,- which threatened to prove fatal to 
her reputation, unexpectedly happened. 

" There is many a slip between the cup and the lip," is 
so musty a proverb, that did not its metaphorical import apply 
most aptly to the case in hand, we should fear to employ it. 



92 THE RAMBLES OF 

But whether some malignant influence, either planetary or 
diabolic, resolved, by an illnatured freak, to mar the pleasure 
which Mistress Fatpan had calculated upon, or whether 
natural causes produced the effect referred to, we cannot de- 
monstrate ; but just as the cook's rosy lips were coming in 
contact with Claudius', who should drop into the kitchen 
but Mister Joseph, the butler, &c. betwixt whom and the 
cook a tender engagement existed : so intent was the amor- 
ous Mistress Fatpan upon enjoying the luscious kiss, that, in 
all probability, she would not have observed the presence of 
a third person, if a loud crash had not suddenly aroused her 
from the waking dream into which she had fallen. 

Mister Joseph had contrived to abstract, from the doctor's 
store, a bottle of his best Sherry, for the enjoyment of the 
kitchenparty in the evening. In order tb prevent detection, 
he had concealed the brittle vessel beneath his coat under his 
arm, when, as he opened the door of the kitchen, and beheld 
the loving attitude in which his defianced stood with Clau- 
dius ; every thing beside was forgotten ; his arms, with uncon- 
scious action, flew up, and the same instant the bottle 
dropped down and was smashed into pieces upon the stone 
floor, over which the precious juice flowed most provok- 
ingly. 

" Bless me, Joseph !" exclaimed the cook, starting from 
her position, as she uttered a lpud shriek, " how you have 
alarmed one ! — why what in the name of goodness have you 
done?" 

"What have I done?" replied the butler, " Umph, I 
think Mistress Fatpan, you had as well ask what you were 
doing ! " 

" Doing Joseph! " rejoined the cook, " why, what should 
I be doing ? — nothing, nothing, I protestify,— upon my 
word and honour, and that is saying very much Joseph. " 

" Why, I rather think it is, " returned Joseph drily, 
" your pledge is a high one. " 

" Well, at least, " rejoined the cook, " there was no 
harm in what I was doing. " 

" No harm ! " exclaimed the butler, trembling with excited 
feeling, " Oh no, certainly not, — but it looked very suspi- 
cious. " 

" No dear Joseph, " continued the lady, — " it is yourself 
what is so perticularly suspicious. I am sartain sure there was 
no suspiciousness in what I was a doing, was there Claudo ?" 

In all such matters as the present, Claudius having only 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 93 

just entered upon his noviciate, could not be supposed to 
possess the same acute understanding as was enjoyed by 
his erudite instructress. For a moment or two he stood 

" Lost within a wilderness of thought 
While thinking bat increased the labyrinth, " 

perfectly unresolved which side to take, when fortunately the 
thought suddenly entered his head, that he might profit by 
the lesson which but a short time before he had received 
from the cook ; accordingly he commenced by being blind 
and dumb. 

" Why don't you answer my question ?" enquired the cook, 
in somewhat of an acid tone. 

w Because/' answered Claudius, " I can't see." 

" Can't see !" shouted the cook. " Don't you see that I am 
conglomerated all over with fright, and that I am likely to be 
ruinated by false suspicionings?" 

" No," replied Claudius, with provoking calm indifference, 
"I don't see ; and if I did, I am dumb." 

A happy thought struck the cook's ready imagination, and, 
bursting into a hearty laugh, she turned to Joseph, and ob- 
served, " Well, now, I declare, the uproar you made at 
coming in drove all thought out of my head until this mo- 
ment. I can now tell you what I was doing. I was whisper- 
ing a lesson into the new servant's ear — giving him some 
construction how he is to behave himself in this here place. 
Did n't you hear him this instant repeating it ? I was telling 
him. he must be blind, deaf, and dumb." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Joseph, in a forced laugh. " Was 
it so, indeed ? I dare say," he added, to himself, " you 
imagine that I am blind. I must bear it now, I suppose, but 
after the wedding is over I'll see more clearly, and shan't 
then be quite so dumb" 

Before this splendid scene was brought to a close, a loud 
ring of the doctor's bell summoned Claudius to his presence, 
to which noisy notice he had already been given to under- 
stand it would be his duty to attend. 

" What, in the name of propriety and quiet, has happened 
in the kitchen ?" demanded the rector, as Claudius entered 
the room in which he was sitting. 

" Whe — re, Sir ?" stammered Claudius, in the utmost 
alarm, remembering the circumstance which had just taken 
place, and the lesson he had received. 



94 THE RAMBLES OF 

"In the kitchen — the kitchen I say! Did you not hear 
the cook's loud scream a moment or two since ? Something 
serious must have happened, I fear. Run directly, and en- 
quire the cause. " 

Claudius waited not for a second bidding, but, happy to 
escape from such a perplexing condition, he moved, with 
double quick time, back to the kitchen. 

" Here's a pretty kettle of fish \" said he, as he encountered 
the cook, who was busily engaged collecting the fragments 
of the wine bottle, while Joseph mopped up the liquor. 

" Why, what's a-miss ?" enquired the cook. 

"Why, a miss is not a hit/' replied Claudius; "but this 
is a decided hit, I assure you, and we shall know it soon, I 
warrant you, though we are all blind, deaf, and dumb, — ay, 
and I was going to say, dead into the bargain." 

*' Now, if you please, Master Claudo," said the cook, 
snappishly, " be so kind as to let us into the information. 
What's the matter ? I wants to know." 

" Oh, nothing, — nothing at all," replied Claudius, "more 
than you already know ; only master heard your shriek, that's 
all, and desires to be informed of the cause of it." 

" Whew ! Is that all ?" said Mistress Fatpan, having 
finished her job, " Make my compliments — my respects I 
should have said, and tell the doctor that I have scalded my 
foot." 

" Would n't it be as well," enquired Joseph, laughing, " to 
say that you have scalded your tongue ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! It 
will never do to say you have scalded your foot, for the apo- 
thecary will be sent for to examine and dress it, and then, 
perhaps, all will come out. Say, — say, — What had he better 
say, Mistress Fatpan ? You are a better hand at these sort 
of things than I shall ever be." 

" Well, then, you must say," observed the cook, "that a 
large mouse runn'd over my foot, and alarmed me almost into 
a jelly. That will do, won't it ?" 

"Capital!" shouted Joseph. "You women are famous 
hands at backing out of a scrape." 

"You understand, Claudo?" said the cook, placing her 
finger significantly upon her lips, " A mouse — eh ? — " 

" I am dumb," replied Claudius, as he vanished from the 
kitchen, and ran to the doctor, to whom he made his report ; 
who, upon hearing it, almost cracked his sides with laughter 
at what he supposed the foolish fears of his cook. Could he 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 95 

have known that the cracking of one of his bottles of fine 
Sherry had been the cause, it is highly probable that his 
fevered brains, or his protuberant body, would have well nigh 
cracked with anger. As it was, however, the affair passed 
over without further notice, while active preparations were 
prosecuted for the entertainment of the expected guests. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

" And wherefore play we ? Why for very sport. 
And if perchance we quarrel in that sport, 
Why still 'tis sport. Aye, though the tongue should wag, 
Out chasing in its speed the courier's pace, 
While ranting passion leads to clenched fists, 
Why still 'tis sport, — for still for sport we play." 

A Gambler's Reasons. 

One of Dr. Titheum's near neighbours, and intimate friends, 
was Sir Marmaduke Varney ; who, in addition to a hand- 
some fortune of his own, had expectations to a consider- 
able extent in consequence of his connexion with some of 
the most wealthy and influential families in the country. Sir 
Marmaduke had long been known as a distinguished patron 
of the turf, and, if report was to be credited, had on several 
occasions been made the dupe of a gang of sharpers, by 
whose well-practised artifice he had been drawn into engage- 
ments of honour, from which he felt neither the ability nor 
disposition to free himself until he had been fleeced to a fear- 
ful extent. 

The passion which this gentleman had imbibed for play ap- 
peared to have become a fixed and enthusiastic principle of 
his nature. It exceeded the broad bounds of mere habit, and 
seemed to form a part and parcel of his very self, so as, ap- 
parently, to be as necessary to his enjoyment of life as were 
the pulsations of his heart to the continuation of that life. 

As a sportsman, or lover of the sports of the field, he was 
well known for at least fifty miles round. His fearless, mad- 
brain riding, had gained for him the familiar cognomen of 
Sir Neck-or-no thing ; and never were the hounds unken- 
nelled, or a fox unearthed, or a puss got scent of in his own 
or an adjoining county, but he was sure to be found joining 
in the jocund halloo ! 



96 THE RAMBLES OF 

Our reverend doctor, it should be remembered, was, from 
family connexion, powerfully attached to rank and fortune ; 
so strongly had this passion taken possession of him as to 
admit of no rival, except indeed his love to a good treat, free 
of all charges, might be admitted to the contest ; hence it was 
that the trifling circumstance of twenty years or so in Sir 
Marmaduke's age above his daughters, together with his well 
known habits, as above recorded, weighed not a hair's weight 
with him against his wish to see his beautiful Georgiana 
the admired lady of the sporting knight. To promote, if 
possible, this ardently desired (on his part) consummation, 
was one grand object of the expected party. The lady, it i3 
true, was ignorant of the offer, neither had the subject been 
as yet, broached to, or by, Sir Marmaduke himself. 

Among the guests invited on this occasion, besides the 
knight, was a gentleman of years and substance, who lived 
upon his own estate, a portion of which he farmed to con- 
siderable advantage, both to himself and the doctor as the 
tithe taker. He had acquired the familiar name of Billy 
Gripes, — alias Mr. William Gripeall; and, by the shorter 
title, was generally- known, by his servants and neigbours. 
There was also a retired tradesman of large property, who 
once had large expectations of ascending the civic throne, 
but, being disappointed in his hopes and wishes, he suddenly 
became disgusted with London and its vulgar inhabitants ; 
and having with all possible despatch, — keeping as usual 
a sharp eye on the main chance, — disposed, to his own ad- 
vantage, of his stock in trade to a young man, of great fortune 
but with little brains, he retreated with his capsicum-tem- 
pered wife into the country, purchased a snug family resi- 
dence, and dubbed himself — Esquire. This same Jacob 
Threadlace, Esq., and his lady, with some half dozen others of 
either gender, made up a cortege of no despicable order. 

As the clock in the tower of the church proclaimed the 
hour of seven, Mr. Gripeall was announced ; and, in less than 
twenty minutes after, the whole party met in the doctor's 
drawing-room. After a few common-place compliments 
had been banded backwards and forwards, like some dis- 
figured bantling whom no one cared to retain, and flattering 
expressions of happiness at meeting, high regard, &c, which 
scarcely a heart present felt, had passed, a few glasses of the 
rector's sparkling Sherry and crusted Port were handed 
round, and then two or three parties sat down to the anti- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 97 

intellectual temper-souring amusement of cards, while the 
doctor, with Esquire Threadlace, and Mr. Gripeall, adjourned 
to a tastefully fitted up smoking-room, for the purpose 
of enjoying themselves with what the rector called, some 
rational conversation, and a friendly pipe. 

Esquire Threadlace, having been a common-councilman 
when in London, had very naturally acquired an excellent 
taste for any thing that was good both in liquids and solids, 
while Mr. Gripeall was a bacchanalian of the first order — 
albeit, he had in his constitution a considerable quantum of 
Elvish parsimony. As, however, his constitutional defect- 
ability was only known to operate when the expenses of a 
treat caused his own purse-strings to be drawn, he revelled 
with manifest delight amidst the viands of his friends, mak- 
ing it a point of etiquette always to honour their hospitality by 
filling his skin full of all kinds of delicious and strong things. 
Hence, the doctor and his two friends formed a trio of un- 
rivalled excellence ; and, while the card-players were disput- 
ing about shuffling, cutting, and trumps, — the ladies so far 
forgetting themselves, in their devotion to the game, as to use 
harsh expressions, and look daggers; and the gentlemen, 
maugre their proud claim to gallantry and good breeding, 
charged their fair opponents with wwfair dealings, and re- 
signed to them the bank with consummate ill-nature. The 
smokers were unravelling the Gordian knot of both church 
and state,, and concocting with matchless skill a new and 
liberal system — to meet exactly their own wishes, and satisfy 
their own desires. 

" Ton my honour, madam," said Sir Marmaduke, address- 
ing himself to Mrs. Threadlace, "you shuffled the last hand. 
You did, 'pon my honour." 

" Sir Marmaduke," shouted the lady, " I am positively 
sure you are wrong." 

" Indeed I am not, madam," repeated the knight ; " 'pon 
my honour." 

" Your honour, Sir, indeed !" added Mrs. Threadlace, sar- 
castically. "I blush to hear such unblushing statements. 
You are so much in the habit of shuffling, that you appear to 
think you have a privilege to shuffle, even when you do not 
deal. I think it is time for us to cut." 

" I beg your pardon, madam," continued Sir Marmaduke, 
in high dudgeon, "I am not used to such equivoque — 'pon 



9S THE RAMBLES OF 

my honour ; and if you were any other than a lady, I should 
require satisfaction — 'pon my honour." 

" And have it you shall, Sir, if you please, 5 ' retorted the 
lady. " I know nothing about your equivokes, — but I do 
know too well for my patience — which is not easily moved, 
and for my partner, who for himself appears afraid to speak 
his mind, — but I never saw the man yet that I feared, — and I 
will have a woman's privilege, to speak when I feel occasion 
— I do know, Sir, that I am determined not to submit calmly 
to your doing me." 

"Doing you, madam !" exclaimed the knight, with em- 
phasis, stung to the quick by having his fair fame soiled by 
a woman's tongue. " Doing you, madam ! I know not 
what application you intend should be given to your own 
expression. If by it I am to understand cheating you, 'pon 
my honour no thought of the kind ever occurred to me. 
Still I must insist upon my right to shuffle." 

" Oh, no doubt, Sir I" returned the sarcastic lady. " I 
said as much ! But I'll take care you shall not- shuffle me. 
There," she added, as she threw the cards in confusion 
across the room, " I have cut, you see." 

" 'Pon my honour," exclaimed the knight, as he gazed with 
surprise at the printed pieces of pasteboard — but the reverie 
into which he seemed about to fall was suddenly broken up 
by a strong rush being made by the party at the bank, headed 
by Mrs. Threadlace. In the struggle which ensued, the table 
was unfortunately overturned, and the lights were extin- 
guished, while SirMarmaduke was brought to the ground. 
Confusion climaxed followed. The ladies shrieked, and, 
while endeavouring to extricate themselves, tumbled over 
the prostrate, knight. 

The smokers, at the moment the noise reached them, 
were elevated above themselves by a lofty subject they were 
discussing, and the wine they had swallowed. Judging from 
their own convivial feelings, they supposed their friends in 
the drawing-room were enjoying themselves in some inno- 
cent gambol ; and feeling a desire to be participators in the 
sport, they started up, and ran with as much speed as their 
lusty bodies and free potations would allow them, to the 
apartment. Without waiting for ceremony they rushed into 
the room to share in the hilarity. The doctor led the van, 
and was followed so closely by the esquire and Gripeall, that 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 99 

in a moment the three worthies were rolling with their pros- 
trate friends upon the floor. 

" Georgiana ! Georgiana, my dear !" shouted the doctor, 
" What does all this mean ? What new piece of entertain- 
ment may this be called ?" 

Now, fortunately for Georgiana, she was the only person 
in the room who had not played at all-fours ; she stood in a 
corner of the apartment, almost bursting her sides with 
laughter, and continued so convulsed as to be unable either 
to ring the bell or call for lights. In answer to the doctor's 
question, she replied, " I fancy it is called trumps, papa ; — 
at least, if clubs are trumps, it is so, for here has been club- 
bing with a witness.' ' 

" Mr. Threadlace I" shouted his good lady. " Mr. Thread- 
lace!" 

"Yes, my dear!" answered her swain. "Here I am, 
love 1" 

"And what are you doing there?" returned his rib. 
"Why don't you come and help me up ?" 

" Where are you ?" enquired Mr. Threadlace, groping on 
his hands and knees. 

"Why here I am!" returned his wife, "under the table ; 
do help me up, or I shall be strangled." 

Georgiana at length rang the bell, and ordered Claudius to 
bring in fresh candles. With the speed of an antelope he ran 
back to the kitchen to perform his young mistress's bidding, 
exclaiming, as he entered, " Oh ! there's a pretty game play- 
ing in the parlour ! — hunt the slipper, I should think, for all 
the lights are out, and all the company are on the floor. 
They want fresh lights directly." 

" Here, Juno I" exclaimed the Cook to Sir Marmaduke's 
black servant, who was one of the finest specimens of West 
India produce, both in bulk and good-humour, " here ! take 
this light, and follow Claudo into the drawing-room — make 
haste!" 

" Oh, yes, Missy Fat-in-de-pan ; I like veddy much to run 
when good-natured woman say — Run Juno ; especially when 
dey say — Run to one, Juno. Ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" Hold your prating just now," exclaimed the Cook ; " and 
run back as fast as you can." 

" Oh, yes, yes, Missy, I run now," said Juno, " like dem 
English slave- dribers what crack! crack! crack! de whip 

f2 



100 THE RAMBLES OF 

over de black nigger's back !" and away he hasted after Clau- 
dius, who had preceded him with a light. 

Oh ! what a delicious banquet for Momus was presented 
as the re-kindled tapers threw light upon the ludicrous 

subjects. 

There lay the knight, unfell'd by a blow, 

Held down by the weight of a lady ; 
Who utter'd her griefs in moanings low. 

As harmonious as Tate and Brady, 

And there too, the squire's mild-temper'd wife, 

Confin'd by the leg of a table, 
Groan'd, struggled, and kick'd, as if for life; 

And bellow'd as she was able. 

" Oh, you cruel man !" exclaimed Mrs. Threadlace to her 
husband, as soon as she found herself freed from the confine- 
ment of the table's leg. "Why did you not come earlier to 
my rescue ? I might have been shuffled, and murdered into 
the bargain for any concern you would have felt." 

However correct Mrs. Threadlace might have been in her 
statements, Mr. Threadlace well knew it was as much as his 
two eyes were worth to state so much. If a single muscle of 
his face had afforded the slightest intimation of it, in all pro- 
bability his good-tempered, plump face, would have changed 
its complexion ; and he therefore replied, in the mildest tones, 
" I assure you, my dear Mrs. Threadlace, we came as soon 
as we heard our company was required. Did we not, gen- 
tlemen ?" he added, appealing to the doctor and Mr. Gripeall. 

" Most assuredly we did," replied the rector. " But what 
am I to understand by what I see and hear I" he inquired. 
" How came such a scene of confusion to pass ?" 

" 'Pon my honour, doct ar" answered Sir Marmaduke, " I 
scarcely know myself; the overturn was so unlooked for a 
calamity, as almost to have deprived me of my senses — 'pon 
my honour." 

" Oh ! a little mistake, Sir, in the matter of shuffling," 
said the knight's partner, "that's all; — a mere trifle, I assure 
you, — and one of very, very common occurrence at our even- 
ing parties where success has happened to be all on one side. 
Why, I felt, I confess, half surprised that so much ado is 
made about nothing. Come ! come !" she added, address- 
ing herself to the offended lady, " shall we draw stakes, and 
settle the matter ? You may rely upon it the mistake was 
yours." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 101 

" My mistake ! Impossible !" interrupted the esquire's lady, 
with a bounce like a pea in a hot pan. " No, no ; I never 
make mistakes — do I Mr. Threadlace ?" she continued, ap- 
pealing to her placid husband. 

" Never, my dear," answered the esquire, fearing to make 
any other answer. " That is, very seldom." 

" Seldom !" she exclaimed, as she threw an affectionate 
glance at him that made him tremble, " I say that I never 
do ; — and I never will be done, without making some resist- 
ance. No, not even by Mr. Threadlace himself." 

(t Miss Georgiana," said Sir Marmaduke, " you can, per- 
haps, explain the matter. It is very unfortunate, 'pon my 
honour." 

The eye of the doctor glistened with delight as he heard 
the knight appeal to his daughter, not doubting it was omi- 
nous of the future accomplishment of his wishes, and inter- 
nally he rejoiced that the present affair, whatever might have 
been the cause of it, or however it might terminate, had hap- 
pened, by which the attention of Sir Marmaduke had been 
directed to his daughter. 

"Ah ! very true ; tell us, Georgiana, all about it," said 
the doctor. " That is, as Sir Marmaduke has very properly 
observed, — explain the matter." 

" Why, truly, papa," replied the laughing girl, " the affair 
has been so highly dramatic, that I think I have the most 
cause of complaint ; for I do think I shall have a pain in my 
side for the next four-and-twenty hours, from laughing so 
heartily. Ha! ha! ha! But, as to explaining — I don't 
know about that ; for I fancy, in the present case, as in many 
others between ladies and gentlemen, — the least said is the 
soonest mended. If, however, I must give evidence, I feel 
obliged for once to take side with the rude opposers of my 
sex, and say that my dear Mrs. Threadlace did make a little 
mistake. 

" Well, if you say so, Miss Titheum," answered Mrs. 
Threadlace, u I will admit I may have done so ; — but, really 
I do not see it. However, if\t was I who made the mistake, 
I feel bound to offer an apology to Sir Marmaduke, and — " 

" Ton my honour, madam," interrupted the gallant 
knight, " I cannot allow a lady to do any thing of the kind 
to me, — 'pon my honour. I have only one request to make, 
and, if you will condescend to grant me that favour, we shall, 
I fancy, be better friends than ever, and I shall consider it a 
gratifying apology." 



102 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Oh, certainly Sir," returned the lady, "if I can prudently 
comply, I shall feel gratified in doing so, believe me." 

" Ton my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, " you are 
very kind. The favour I solicit, fair lady, is that you will 
become my partner this evening in a quadrille, — and I 
pledge my honour that I will not shuffle you on that occa- 
sion. " 

" Well, Sir Marmaduke," replied Mrs. Threadlace, flattered 
by the way in which the favour had been solicited, " I will 
promise that, with the proviso, that you will not make either 
Mr. Threadlace or any young lady in the room jealous." 

The whole party declared their approval of the amicable 
arrangement, and none felt otherwise than pleased, excepting 
the doctor, who would much rather Mrs. Threadlace should 
have continued offended, than that his daughter should have 
lost the hand of Sir Marmaduke for the evening. 

Harmony and order were once more restored ; the ladies 
took a glass of wine, and the gentlemen two or three ; while 
the pleasure of a card-party, a steeple-chase, and a pipe, fur- 
nished matter for conversation until the announcement was 
made that supper was on the table, when Mrs. Threadlace, 
hanging on the arm of Sir Marmaduke, as an evidence of 
perfect reconciliation, and followed by the rest of the com- 
pany in pairs, walked to the dining-room, and took their 
places round a table which groaned beneath the substantials 
and delicacies of the season. 

" Ton my honour, doctar" observed Sir Marmaduke, 
" your poultry is admirable — never get any equal to it any 
where, positively. Can you let us into the secret, doctor ?" 

" Happy to hear you enjoy it, Sir Marmaduke," replied 
the rector. " The whole secret is with my daughter, I assure 
you. It is to her," he added, wishful to turn the knight's 
attention to Georgiana, " jou are indebted, if to any one, for 
the excellent poultry." 

"To me, papa?" exclaimed Georgiana. "I beg you will 
excuse me on this occasion if — " 

" Ah, indeed !" observed Sir Marmaduke. " Ton my ho- 
nour—no wonder it is par excellence under such manage- 
ment." 

Georgiana bowed, and observed good-humouredly, — " I 
know not, Sir, in what way I merit the compliment your 
politeness has paid me, but I feel bound to assure you papa 
has made a mistake/' 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 103 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " has he 
indeed ? Do have the kindness, doctar, to inform us in what 
way our obligations belong to the lady who rejects our 
acknowledgments." 

" Oh, with pleasure, Sir Marmaduke," replied the doctor. 
" My daughter superintends the poultry in our little domes- 
tic farm-yard, and — " 

" Now, indeed, papa," interrupted the blushing girl, " you 
are giving me credit for what I never perform. It would be 
as parallel a case to say that I preach your sermons, because 
I sit to hear you." 

"Indeed!" replied the doctor, somewhat disconcerted, "I 
should have said, perhaps," he added, "the cooking was 
performed according to her directions." 

" Worse, and worse," replied the young lady. " Ha ! ha ! 
ha ! Now, why papa, don't you inform Sir Marmaduke," 
she continued, with archness of look and expression, " that 
the flavour of the tarts, of which we hope he will presently 
partake, results from my having looked at the jars in which 
the preserves were kept ?" 

" Ha! ha ! ha !" laughed Mrs. Threadlace. " That is cle- 
ver, indeed, Miss Titheum. You would make an excellent 
hand in a large retail draper's shop ; such ready wit would 
please the customers surprisingly." 

A suppressed titter went round the room at the simple but 
well-meant remark of the ex-common- councilman's wife. 
Georgiana bowed, and observed, — (f The honour you have 
done me, madam, exceeds my poor abilities properly to 
acknowledge. Let, then, expressive silence be my reply. 5 * 

" Hush, my dear !" said the 'Squire, aside, to his rib, al- 
though without being able to stop her until she had finished 
her observation. " Hush, my dear ! You will let out the 
secret of our former profession before the whole company. 
Recollect, some are strangers here to our early calling in 
life." 

" And if I do?" returned Mrs. Threadlace, who never de- 
lighted in being dictated to, and especially by her husband. 
" I am not ashamed," she continued, " to acknowledge how 
we obtained our present handsome property ; and the man 
who blushes to own the honest means by which he became 
wealthy, deserves to lose that which he possesses ; that's my 
opinion on the subject, Mr. Threadlace." 

The latter part of this magnanimous reply was given in an 



104 THE RAMBLES OF 

upper key, ana received, for the correctness of the principle 
it contained, due applause from the company. 

" I shall be happy, madam," said Sir Marmaduke to Mrs. 
Threadlace, " to take a glass of wine with you." 

The challenge was cheerfully accepted, and Port and Sherry 
went round the table. Good temper and hilarity prevailed, 
and smiling faces alone surrounded the board. The doctor's 
wine was praised as heartily as he had before praised Farmer 
Primrose's, and drank by the male part of his company as 
freely as he drank it ; when a messenger entered the room, 
and whispered in the doctor's ear something that appeared 
to move him greatly. 

" Direct that he is kept fast until supper is over," said the 
rector, " and then we will see to the matter." 

As the servant left the room the doctor continued, — for the 
benefit of the company, — " I am informed that an escaped 
prisoner has been re-taken, whose appearance, as the mes- 
senger states, is of the most ferocious character. They hold 
him in confinement, I am told, in one of my out-honses. We 
who are in the commission of the peace," he continued, ad- 
dressing himself to Sir Marmaduke, who was a brother law- 
dispenser, " feel the importance of attending to such matters 
without delay ; and as it would, perhaps, be a novel ceremony 
to some of my friends to hear a prisoner examined, I think 
we may as well, if you approve it, Sir Marmaduke, give him 
a hearing in the drawing-room after supper." 

" 'Pon my honour," replied the knight, (: you are an ex- 
cellent man of business, doctar ; I of course can offer no ob- 
jection, — 'pon my honour — " 

" Oh I I should like it above all things in the world," said 
Mrs. Threadlace. 

" But are you certain he is well secured ?" enquired Mr. 
Gripeall ; " lam extremely nervous ; and such desperadoes 
you know, doctor, are not nice in what they do/' 

" Pll take care of that," replied his reverence ; " for al- 
though I fear no man, yet such hard-faced villains as we 
have to do with, who are in the commission of the peace, 
make one shy." 

" Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, " you say 
right, doctar ; but let it be as you have said : after supper we 
will examine him, leaving it with you to see that he is pro- 
perly secured ; an accident may soon occur, 'pon my ho- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 105 

9 

It is exceedingly probable that a considerable portion of 
the doctor's pastry escaped destruction by this little circum- 
stance, as each appeared eager to gratify their sight by gazing 
on a fellow-creature, whose supposed crimes had placed him 
in the iron grasp of justice, and who, in consequence, was 
deprived of the benefit of female sympathy even ! Thus, as 
by ew-parte evidence in whatever way given, or in whatever 
form received, the prisoner is found guilty in the minds of a 
prejudiced jury even before his case has been heard. 

In a short time after the announcement referred to had 
been made, the whole party had taken their seats in the 
drawing-room, with the two sage administrators of justice, 
when a large figure was ushered into the room, muffled up in 
a ragged great-coat, having a large tattered hat slouched over 
his eyes, so as effectually to disguise his countenance. His 
legs were confined together by a strong cord, which merely 
allowed him to step somewhat less than half a yard at a time, 
while his hands were safely secured by hand-cuffs. 

It was very evident from the unsteadiness of the prisoner's 
motion, that he was what a sailor would have pronounced 
" half-seas-over ;" and hence his present rather unpleasant 
condition gave him little or no concern. 

" Well," he grumbled out, " how much further are you 
going to drag me ? If I don't punish you all for this one day, 
I an't a constable." 

" ? Pon my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " the fel- 
low is surely mad, doctor." 

" Well, prisoner," said the divine, " what account have 
you to give of yourself— eh ?" 

" Why a good one I hope," replied he with the bracelets ; 
u although I grant you, rather queer-looking like ; — sartainly 
for a person like me to be so sarved is very ridiculous." 

" Well, Sir," continued the doctor sharply, " what is your 
name ?" 

" My name ?" rejoined the man ; " why what can the odds 
of my name be, — howsomever, it is the name of a honest 
man, as I'll make you all know one day." 

" Ton my honour!" shouted the knight — "What may 
your name be, fellow ? — who and what are you r" 

" I am constable and beadle of the parish of Christ- 
church," replied the prisoner, " and my name, it is well 
known, is Jacob Grabum." 

"Jacob Grabum!" exclaimed the doctor — "Impossible !" 
f 5 



106 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Is it though?" returned the man; "but it arn't impos- 
sible though : and if," he added, hiccuping, " I am not Ja- 
cob Grabum, have the goodness to inform me who I am." 

" Take off his hat," said the doctor ; which, in contempt of 
court, had very strangely been permitted to continue to cover 
half his face as well as his head. The moment the order was 
obeyed, all doubt of his identity vanished ; the large flat 
full-moon-looking face of the constable was instantly recog- 
nised. 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " it is 
Jacob indeed !" 

Jacob turned his heavy eyes in a semi-maniacal stare upon 
the court — a sudden ray of illumination appeared to dart 
athwart his obscured understanding ; and perceiving the 
doctor, he addressed himself to him, nearly sobered on the 
instant. 

" Please your reverence, I am glad I am here and alive — 
I never expected to see your worship again — I have been 
unmercifully used." 

" Where is your prisoner ?" enquired the doctor with 
eagerness. 

" That I cannot tell," replied Grabum. 

" Not tell !" responded the justice ; " why you surely have 
not allowed him to escape r" 

" No, your worship," answered the constable, " I did not 
allow him, as one may say ; but he would go, and I was left 
in his place. " 

" Explain yourself," said the doctor, — " what are we to 
understand from all this ?" 

" I will, your honour," said the beadle, " as well as I am 
able. Your honour knows I secured my man properly be- 
fore I set off with him ; and as soon as ever I got clear of 
Farmer Primrose's farm-yard, I drove at a good round rate to- 
wards the prison. As, however, the distance was rather long, 
I stopped at the GreenDragon to bait ; and as my prisoner was 
very quiet and civil, and begged hard to have a drop to keep 
the cold out, I allowed it — only one glass, I assures your wor- 
ship ; — well, on we went again as if the old mare had turpen- 
tine under her tail ; and presently we overtakes a man what 
I had seen talking with the Gypsy, at the door of the Green 
Dragon. Now as I has room for three or four in my wheicle, 
I allowed him, as a decent-looking person, to ride a few miles 
with us without thinking no harm ; when, just as we reached 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 107 

within half a mile of the forest, the feller what I had accom- 
modated with a ride, offered me half-a-crown to change for 
him, desiring I would accept a tanner for my kindness, as he 
said. I never refuses a trifle, your worship — so thinking no 
harm, I lays down my pistol in my lap, ready cocked, for to 
take out my purse to give the change — when before I could 
say ' turnips/ up the feller grabs the popper, and holding it 
to my head, swore as how he'd blow out my brains if I offered 
the least resistance, or gave the least alarm. Now what could 
I do, your worship, but be quiet ? — for I knew if he blew out 
my Drains I could not give any alarm ; and, therefore, I did 
just as he wished me, and sat as mute and as still as a man 
what is going to be buried. With that he takes the other 
• pistol out of my pocket, and the reins from my hands, to 
save me, as he said, the trouble of driving any further, — and 
off he turned the mare in a contrary direction. I soon found 
that I had helped one of the Gypsy gang to a ride ; for in 
less than half an hour, with hard flogging the poor beast, we 
reached their camp. I was instantly compelled to dismount, 
and the keys were taken from me, my prisoner was set at 
liberty, and I was confined. After keeping me in that state 
until this morning, at day-break, they took from me the ex- 
cellent great-coat which I wore, and made me put on this 
heap of rags, which they buttoned tight round me ; they then 
fastened my legs in this way, and hand-cuffed me as you may 
see. Having so done, without my daring to say 'no', they 
poured down my throat almost a pint of raw gin, and, driving 
off with the horse and cart, left me to my fate. I hobbled on 
some distance, until the trees seemed to dance round me, and 
the earth was unsteady. Being unable to stand, I laid myself 
down and slept, until I was found by those who brought 
me here." 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " this is a 
most singular affair — quite a romance of real life, — ha! ha! ha ! 
— perfectly ludicrous ! I am vastly amused by an adventure 
of this kind — 'pon my honour." 

" Indeed, your honour, it was very amusing, I assure you,'' 
observed Jacob, with a forced laugh, — " I wish," he added 
in an under tone, " the pistol had been held to your head in- 
stead of mine, the amusement would then have been rather 
serious to you, I have no doubt." 

" It is, indeed, a strange piece of business," observed the 
doctor. — "Ha! ha! ha! — I suppose we had better let Jacob join 



108 . THE RAMBLES OP 

the party in the kitchen, while we amuse ourselves and forget 
for a while the troubles which we, who are in the commission 
of the peace, have to contend with/' 

The reverend doctor's head was a little clearer at the pre- 
sent moment than when he committed the Gypsy; and having 
a shrewd guess that he had on that occasion gone a step be- 
yond his authority, he felt willing to allow the case to pass 
unnoticed, for fear his own conduct might undergo a trifling 
degree of scrutiny beyond what might reflect credit or advan- 
tage on himself : he therefore cheerfully proposed that the 
constable should forthwith be liberated and conducted into 
the kitchen, to share with the servants in what Mrs. Fatpan 
might furnish to them — as it was considered that his long 
abstinence might render a fresh meal desirable and necessary 
before he reached home ; besides which, as an under func- 
tionary of the law, it was held proper that all convenient at- 
tention should be paid to him for his office' sake. 

Having thus summarily disposed of this grave matter, the 
gallant Sir Marmaduke, throwing off that portion of legal 
gravity which, as a magistrate, he felt bound to assume, 
declared — " Ton my honour I feel particularly happy that 
confoundedly troublesome business is over ;" and then claim- 
ing the promised hand of Mrs. Threadlace, they led off the 
dance. 



CHAP. IX. 

** There's merry-making at the hall, 
The men with the music are there j 
And age looks young at the splendid ball, 
And trips with the blushing fair. 

M There's life above, and there's life below, 
As if Bedlam's self were broke : 
The Parson's guests make grape-juice flow, 
While the servants each crack a joke." 

RECORD9 OF OUR PA.BISEN 

Every earthly enjoyment has its drawback ; and, the more 
full the cup of human felicity, the more likely it is to be 
spilled. So it fell out on the present occasion. 

" Music," says the immortal bard of Avon, " has charms 
to soothe the savage breast." It now appeared to have 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 109 

power to rnove the breast of a snarling little pet, in the shape 
of a poodle lap-dog, which belonged to Miss Fidget, a young 
lady, whose age might not be mentioned, but concerning 
which delicate subject ill-natured and gossip-loving persons 
would speculate. Some such, who professed to have known 
her forty years, declared that at that time she was a full- 
grown woman ; howevei that might be, her hair was yet a 
bright auburn, and her cheeks glowed with as much colour 
as a milk-maid's on a bracing spring morning. It was 
hinted, however, that the hair which she wore was not false 
hair, but real human hair, purchased at a fashionable depot 
for such material, somewhere in Bond Street; while those 
who had frequently seen Miss Fidget early in the morning, 
protested that her face was of the colour of pipe-clay, and 
they therefore concluded that the blooming glow upon her 
cheeks was of rouge origin, and therefore not " ' nateral" 
Whether such was really the case or not, is not greatly ma- 
terial ; she looked, when splendidly dressed in the attire- 
ments of youth, and when beheld by candle-light, remark- 
ably well, and might have passed (as she felt anxious to do), 
in the judgment of a stranger, for a miss in her teens, ex- 
cepting, indeed, when she was approached within a certain 
number of yards — say half a dozen — or when she opened her 
mouth ; for then wrinkles would most provokingly obtrude 
themselves, — and the loss of a few teeth, — or rather the pos- 
session of but few, — told a tale which neither rouge, curls, 
nor youthful array, could give the lie to, 

Now, the only living creature in this terrene state of which 
Miss Fidget appeared to be really fond, — of course except- 
ing herself, — was the above-named poodle dog — he (for it 
was of the masculine gender) was her idol. She watched 
over him with the tender care of a fond parent, and attended 
to his wants with the solicitude of a devoted lover. Fond as 
Miss Fidget was of parties, routs, and balls, — and among these 
she lived, moved, and had her being, — she would have sa- 
crificed her own delight in such particulars, and have sent 
back a card of invitation, if her " dear Dido" had not been 
invited with her. 

Fortunately — (query) — for Miss Fidget, she was a lady of 
large fortune, and a considerable benefactress to the parish. 
She had for years undertaken to find all the wine used in the 
church, as well as provided surplices, and kept them clean 
too — no unimportant item in parish affairs, — with gowns and 



110 THE RAMBLES OF 

bands for the doctor; although her attendance was not quite 
so regular or frequent as at other and more fashionable 
places o From considerations so weighty as those just de- 
tailed, an invitation had, of course, been sent to Miss Fidget, 
craving the favour of her own and Dido's company, &c. As, 
however, the dear little creature was not quite well in the 
early part of the day, Miss Fidget had ordered that her car- 
riage should not be prepared for her until she felt certain 
that some improvement had taken place in his health. The 
consequence was, that her arrival was announced only a 
short time before the party commenced dancing. 

The fair hand of this blooming spinster was craved by Es- 
quire Threadlace, but with a leetle more softness of note, and 
Adonis-like action, than Mrs. Threadlace thought quite pro- 
per for her husband to employ, and she managed to shoot 
one or two of her most delectable glances so adroitly as to 
meet the eye of her lord. The effect which those connu- 
bial doux yeux upon the nerves of the retired draper was as if 
one of the Whitechapel blunts he had been in the habit of 
retailing had been thrust red-hot into his ultimatum ; and 
when the smiling Miss Fidget put her taper fingers- into his 
hand, as she rose to the dance, a dizziness shot through his 
brain, which caused him to stagger as if he had taken a few 
too many glasses of the doctor's sparkling wine. 

The flashing fire of a jealous woman's eye is dreadful ; it 
is as withering to joy or peace, to delight or comfort, as is 
the sirocco of the desert to health and life. Like the Upas 
tree, it spreads pestilence and death around the circumference 
to which it extends. To be favoured with such a sight once, 
is to behold what never will again be forgotten ; one's teeth 
chatter at the thought of it, the very flesh crawls upon the 
bones — "'tis horrible, horrible, most horrible!" 

Poor Threadlace felt all this. The eye of his dear Mrs. 
Threadlace enchained his vision, and bound up his thoughts. 
His blunders were so frequent and flagrant as almost en- 
tirely to break up " the merry skipping on the light fantastic 
toe." More than once he trod upon Miss Fidget's tender 
toes, so that she felt it indispensably necessary, to prevent be- 
ing crippled for life, to keep at a respectable distance from 
him. 

At the commencement of the Esquire's gallop-hard Miss 
Fidget had tenderly laid her dear Dido on her own chair, 
covering his lips with kisses, and his body with a rich crape 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. HI 

shawl. Either, however, the music moved him, or his love 
for his mistress, 

" Like that her own soft bosom felt, 
Keason did not control," 

for he raised his shaggy head from under his gay coverlid, 
looked a few moments at the dancers, and then leaped from 
his place to mingle with them. 

Now, as the eyes of Mr. Threadlace were still fixed upon 
his wife 5 s angry glare, he perceived not the approach of 
" Dido," until, by an unlucky step, he trod more violently 
than he had before done upon his partner's toes, upon the 
fore paw of her favourite. Not being used to, and especially 
not being pleased with, such treatment, the revengeful poodle 
yelped loudly, and snapping fiercely at his tormentor's leg, 
tore his silk stocking from the calf to the ankle. 

At the sound of Dido's wailing note Miss Fidget screamed, 
and nearly fainted. 

" Oh ! my dear, my precious Dido !" she exclaimed, " who 
has been inhuman enough to injure you ?" 

At the moment that the Esquire felt the application of 
Dido's teeth to the calf of his leg, a sudden and involuntary 
movement, like the action of an automaton, took place in the 
member, and then, with the same unconsciousness, he sent 
the' yelping pet to the other end of the room, by the appli- 
cation of his toe to his closely shorn body. 

All was confusion in a moment — the plaintive cries of 
Dido drowned the music, and nothing was in unison with 
the deafening noise, save the dolorous lamentations of the 
afflicted Miss Fidget. 

" My dear love !" ejaculated the lady, after an hysteric 
pause, as she enfolded the poodle in her arms, and pressed 
him affectionately to her heaving bosom, " where are you 
hurt ? tell your own mistress. How could you be so foolish 
as to leave the place where I left you ? couldn't you spare me 
a little while, dear ?" 

Dido looked sagely in his mistress' face, licked her cheek, 
■ — and thereby caused the colour of one of them to fade,-— 
and wagged his tail, — but made no oracular reply. 

" There," Mr. Threadlace," said his sympathising wife, 
looking at his rent hose, " that is what comes of being over 
polite; — it would not have been of great consequence if 



112 THE RAMBLES OF 

your leg had been torn instead of your stocking," she added 
aside to him. 

u Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, as he ap- 
plied his scented handkerchief to his nasal protuberance, 
" I wish the confounded beast had been converted into mock 
turtle soup for an alderman's feast, before his yelping had 
disarranged our delightful entertainment ; we were just en- 
tering into the spirit of it, my dear Mrs. Threadlace." 

" Do you indeed, Sir ?" observed Miss Fidget, referring to 
the Knight's kind wish, " Do you really wish my beautiful 
Dido devoted to such vile purposes?" She evidently felt the 
familiar adage — " hurt my dog, hurt me," — as she added, 
" Such monstrous barbarity absolutely shocks me I Look at 
him, Sir Marmaduke," she continued, holding the creature 
full in his face, — " look at him, and say if his sorrowful coun- 
tenance is not sufficient to make any feeling heart ache ?" 

"Ton my honour, Madam," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, 
" I intended no offence — none, 'pon my honour ! I hope 
the sweet creature has not received any serious injury — 'pon 
my honour, Madam." 

"Not so much, at least," — observed Georgi ana, with a slight 
dash of sarcasm in her manner — " as Mr. Threadlace's 
stockings." 

"Mr. Threadlace's stockings !" echoed Miss Fidget, turn- 
ing her eyes towards her partner's leg — " well, I declare it 
is damaged a trifle ; but that is soon remedied, while Dido's 
hurt might have been of serious consequences." 

"Very true," observed the doctor, — "very true; and if 
you, Sir," he added, addressing himself to Mr. Threadlace, 
" do not object to case your legs in canonical hose, there is 
no need we should be put out long by this accident. Walk 
with me into my dressing-room, and I will supply you." 

" Ah ! you are very kind, doctor," observed Mrs. Thread- 
lace, replying for her husband, — " you are very kind ; but 
you know, Sir, if persons im7/ become too intimate with young 
ladies, they need feel no surprise if they soon want — a 
more important part of dress than stockings." 

Mr. Threadlace felt disposed to reply ; but the words stuck 
in his throat, and he could only mutter, not speak out — " Ac- 
cidents, my dear, will — " 

" Accidents ! — fiddlesticks ! I say," roared his wife, — " ac- 
cidents indeed ! a man may by accident put his foot into a 
man-trap while walking along the king's high-road— it is not 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 113 

very likely, however ; but if he steps over his neighbour's 
fence,why* — eh? — accident, — oh! Mr.Threadlace, Mr.Thread- 
lace — you know what I know, — at your old tricks again ; — 
you have not forgotten the 'Goose and Gridiron' I sup- 
pose ?" 

Mr. Threadlace groaned in spirit, and trembled in his 
pumps ; while the doctor, in order to put an end to the 
interesting matrimonial tete-a-tete, enquired — " Well, Mr. 
Threadlace, shall it be as I have said — will you accompany me 
to ray dressing-room, and — 

•' By a change of stockings end 

The calf-ache, and a thousand other things 
The naked leg is liable to V 

The pleasant turn which the doctor's wit in corrupting 
Shakspeare's language had given to the serious cast the con- 
versation had assumed, acted electrically ; and a loud laugh 
rung the room — in which even Miss Fidget with her partner 
and his wife heartily joined. 

" Come along," said the doctor, taking Threadlace' s arm, 
" and, in the mean time, Georgie," he added, speaking to his 
daughter, " see that our friends take some refreshment, and 
in a little time we shall be ready to rejoin you/' So saying, 
the rector and his guest retired, while Georgiana rang the 
bell, and Claudius/entering, handed round wine and fancy 
biscuits. 

While the party above stairs were enjoying themselves with 
music and dancing, those in the kitchen were not less cheer- 
ful. Mistress Fatpan had already drawn forth from her pri- 
vate still, two or three bottles of generous wine, which the 
butler had committed to her custody for the entertainment 01 
their party, and likewise a case-bottle, half filled with brandy, 
which the thrifty cook had saved at different times, by be- 
stowing a less portion of the intoxicating fluid on the sauces 
she had manufactured. Of these, the kitchen guests had 
taken some large libations, and a hearty laugh continued to 
shake the sides of all present, provoked by a tale which Clau- 
dius had just been reciting, when Jacob Grabum, alias Long- 
body, entered, to the no small surprise of those who were 
present 

" Whew !" whistled Juno. *' Here come de man what 
dribes de English niggers out of de town wid him long pole m 



114 THE RAMBLES OF 

de place of de whip — whack ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! He no dribe 
us out of de kitchen while de strong drink be plenty." 

" Hollo, my lads !" shouted Graburn, in a half authoritative, 
half canting tone, "you are all as merry here as crickets in a 
bake-house, and as busy as gad-flys on a hot summer's day 
upon horse-flesh. Why, what are you all about ?" he con- 
tinued, clipping the last word with a strong hiccup. 

(( Ha ! ha ! ha ! That's good, however," replied Mr. Jo- 
seph. "What are we about ? — why, have n't you told us that 
we are merry and busy ? But what have you been about ? I 
should like to know. Why, I declare, if you arn't half 
groggy, Mr. Grabum !" 

" What's that you say, Mister Joseph ?" roared the man 
of authority. " I half groggy ! I'd have you bridle your 
tongue when you give vent to your thoughts, and presume 
to speak of an officer of the parish. We, Mister Joseph, 
recommend this in friendship ; — or it may be we shall, — you 
understand me," he added, winking significantly — " Eh ?" 

" No, indeed, we don't understand your short-hand talk, 
Mister Beadle," replied the cook. "I says that you are 
half Hoxicated" 

" Yes, Massa Cock-hat," chimed in the negro, showing 
his ivories by a good-natured grin, " we all say de same ting. 

Little drink got in your noddle, 

Fal ! lal, la ! 
And it make you widdle, waddle, 

Fal! lal, la! 

All de tings go round and round, 
While de drink be in your noddle ; . 
And you feel upon de ground 
For de sky, and widdle, waddle, 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Fal ! lal, la ! 
While de drink be in your noddle," 

So chaunted Juno, dancing at the same time round and 
round Mr. Grabum, until he actually became giddy by turn- 
ing about after the whimsical black. 

" Indeed !" hiccupped the beadle, as Juno closed his 
chaunt, and the whole party joined the chorus of Ha ! ha ! 
ha ! " Well, then," he continued, with philosophical cool- 
ness, " I suppose it must be so ; — that is, I may be some- 
what fresh. Howsomever, I arn't come here for to quarrel 
with nobody, and i hopes nobodv intends to quarrel with 
me." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 115 

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" resumed Juno. " Come to quarrel — no, 
no, Massa Grabum, we shall neber quarrel while we in com- 
pany of de lady, — that is, of Missus Fat-in-de-pan." 

" Thank you for your compliment, Juno," said the cook, 
" You are the. politestest gentleman in the company ; and I 
don't know why we shouldn't have good manners in the 
kitchen as well as in the parlour." 

" That's right, cook 1" shouted the beadle. te But as you 
have n't been so polite as to ax me to take a chair all this time, 
why, I shall show good manners to myself, and take one. 
There," he soliloquised, — "be quiet, Jacob Grabum, and 
enjoy yourself for an hour, and then hie home, and to bed." 

" Well, to show that we are not all quite without manners" 
said Joseph, " allow me to hand the glass to you, Master 
Grabum, — you will, of course, drink with us ?" and he pre- 
sented a glass of almost boiling-hot brandy-and-water. , 

** With all my heart," replied the functionary ; and, seiz- 
ing the offered liquor, he took a hearty mouthful, and in a 
moment spirted it out again, while he jumped and plunged 
about the kitchen like a maniac, from the effects of a scalded 
mouth. 

At this moment Claudius returned from serving the re- 
freshments in the drawing-room ; and, seeing the beadle cut- 
ing such grotesque figures, while streams flowed from his 
eye.s so as completely to deprive him of sight, determined to 
retaliate a little insult which he had received from the officer 
of the parish, in the shape of a painful gripe on the arm, and 
a surly push, during the time that he wore his Gypsy guise 

He was well aware that scarcely any noise which might be 
made in the kitchen would be heard by the party in the 
dancing-room, because of the distance of its situation. He 
therefore attempted, and succeeded .most dexterously, in at- 
taching a cracker to the tail of Grabum's coat, and then, set- 
ting fire to it, the terrified beadle, almost forgetting the pain 
of his mouth, ran and curvetted round the kitchen, striving 
to avoid the hissing and explosion which continued to follow 
him, half imagining for the moment that some perturbed 
spirits, towards whom he had exercised his power with un- 
mitigated severity in the days of their flesh, were now hunting 
him 

"To dark Cimmerian vales, 
Where "brooding misery hatches pain," 



116 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Mercy ! Pity ! Mercy I" he exclaimed, panting for breath. 
" Will no one pity ? Will no one help me ?" 

Overcome by the feelings of his excited imagination, he 
fell senseless upon the floor, a pitiable lump of clay-cold mat- 
ter. The application of some cold water from the pump, 
which, with unsparing hand, the cook threw into his face, 
soon restored the terrified official to consciousness, who, on 
opening his eyes, stared round the place with a wild and 
haggard look, like one just awakened from a horrible vision. 

" Where am I ?" he enquired, in piteous tones. " Have 
mercy on me !" 

" Where are you ?" replied Claudius, " why, where should 
you be but among friends ? You have slept soundly, I fancy, 
for some time." 

" Have I though ?" returned the beadle, with evident as- 
tonishment. 

f I fancy you have," replied the cook; " we almost doubted 
whether you would wake again." 

" Indeed !" responded Mr.Grabum, — " how very singular !" 

" Aye, it is singular enough, as one may say," observed 
the cook, " that one who boasted so much of good manners 
should forget his own, and snore before company." 

" Well, really," said the beadle, rubbing his eyes, which 
were yet but half open, " it was, I own, not quite mannerly 
of me." 

" Are you subject to the night-mare ?" asked Mistress 
Fatpan. 

" The night who ?" enquired the beadle. 

" The night-mare," returned the cook ; " what people has 
who doesn't sleep well." 

" Oh ! aye, — 1 understand you," answered Mr. Grabum, 
" I fancy I may be on odd occasions ; but why do you ask 
such a question ? Have I misbehaved myself greatly in any 
perticular way ? — I did'nt kick, or so, did I ?" 

"Kick!" shouted Joseph,— " Ha ! ha! ha!" in which 
hearty laugh all in the room were joining, but in a sup- 
pressed way. — " I beiieve you did kick, man, and not a little 
neither ; the kicking of a horse when being burned for the 
spavins is a fool to it ; and as to hallooing, — my eyes ! if I 
didn't think we should have had all the company from above 
coming to enquire what was the matter." 

" Why, did I now:" replied the beadle, astonished at his 
own conduct. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 117 

" Did you now?" rejoined Joseph ; "why ax Betty, and 
Claudo, and Juno, and the rest there." 

" Indeed you did, Master Grabum," said the cook, — " we 
were obligated to sprinkle you well before we could rouse 
you." 

" Ha Mia ! ha!" laughed Grabum, rising,—" Well, that 
is strange enough, howsomever. I have had a plaguy ugly 
dream, I fancy." 

w Well, never mind dreams now," said Joseph; " here's 
to your health, Master Grabum ; and when next you dream 
may your dreams be pleasant." 

" Thank ye, Joseph ; thank ye," responded the beadle, 
seizing him by the hand, and shaking it heartily. — " But 
how goes time ?" he added, turning his eye towards the 
kitchen clock : " I suppose I must see about moving, or I 
shan't get home to-night." 

" Oh ! 'tis early yet," replied Claudius, " they have only 
just commenced dancing above stairs — I am fond of dancing, 
and hope we shall be able to amuse ourselves in the same 
way. What do you say, Mrs. Fatpan? shall you and I 
lead off?" 

" With all my heart," replied the cook ; " but who is to 
be the fiddler ?" 

" Oh !" exclaimed Juno, " I be de fiddler ! I can fiddle 
wid my mouth — what tune you like, Missus Fat-in-de-pan." 

" Can you give us s The Wedding Day' ?" asked the cook. 

" Oh, yes," returned Juno ; who, after whistling a few 
notes, enquired, — " How you like my fiddle, Mrs. Fat-in-de- 
pan, — «h?" 

" That will do hexellently" returned the cook. 

" Which you like best," asked Juno, " de tune, or the 
day, eh ? — but nebber mind em day, de wedding day and 
de wedding nights come soon, and den Juno play de fiddle 
for you, Missus Fat-in-de-pan, — eh ?" 

" Well, I don't know hexactly, Juno," replied Mistress 
Betty ; " I suppose you must ask some one else," and she 
leered out of the corner of her eye, as she spoke, towards 
Joseph. 

" At all events," said Joseph, " if I am of the party on 
that occasion, you will not play the first fiddle, Mister Juno." 

" Why, what a fuss you are making now about your wed- 
ding days," observed Sally, the house-maid, who as yet had 
not a glimpse even of enjoying such a delightful day, but 



113 THE RAMBLES OF 

who was now " all agog" as grandmama used to say, for a 
dance. — " Let us have * The Wedding Day' now, and talk 
about the other afterwards." 

" Oh ! to be sure, Missus Sally," returned Juno, " you 
are all in de great hurry, like all de ladies, for de wedding 
day ; — which you have first, husband or wedding day, eh ? — 
ha ! ha ! ha ! — tell me dat now ?" 

Sally frowned, and looked at Juno almost as black as Juno 
himself — the jesting negro took the hint, and, to save him- 
self from her wrathful displeasure, commenced whistling "The 
Wedding Day ;" while the cook, taking the hand of Clau- 
dius, performed something between a reel and fandango. 

If the looks of Joseph had been regarded, it might have 
been supposed that he did not quite approve of the partner 
which Betty had taken ; or otherwise that he disapproved in 
toto Betty's accepting him — nevertheless she said nothing, de- 
termining after the wedding day to alter the method of doing 
things, by proving himself a lord of creation. As his 
affianced had engaged herself, he mated himself with Sally, 
while two other pairs, — servants of the doctor's guests, — 
completed a double set. 

This important preliminary step to the ballet Vdwertisment 
having been taken, Juno inflated his ebony- coloured cheeks, 
and then again emptying them, poured forth the enlivening 
tune most gloriously ; and, at the same time, capered round 
the spacious kitchen to his own music, throwing his arms 
about like the sails of a wind-mill, or as if exhibiting the 
effects of a powerful dose of gas upon his system. 

Unmoved by the dulcet notes of Juno, any more than he 
would have been by the blowing of the bellows in the forge 
of Vulcan, Mr. Grabum sat enjoying himself over the brandy- 
and-water, using but a small quantity of the lattei*, as he was 
subject to the gravel, and feared lest the fluid might not 
have passed through a drip-stone, and so might irritate his 
disorder. There he sat, like the son of Jupiter Ammon, at 
his royal banquet, quaffing long and deep draughts of the 
thing he loved, like a lady in her boudoir, and not sipping it 
as a female lover of it does before company. 

Twenty minutes and upwards had elapsed before the clap- 
per of his leaden head began to play ; and when it did, the 
sounds it sent forth were harsh and inharmonious. 

" Go it, go it/' he shouted, as the spirits mounted to his 
brain, — " that's bravely done ! I say, Mister Joseph, have a 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 119 

care boy, have a care, you rogue — (hiccup) — that Mistress 
Fatpan don't see you getting so close to Sally there, or you'll 
get a hasting, I warrant you ; such as you won't much relish. 
Here, Fiddler, drink, — drink, I say — (hiccup)— your whistle 
must be dry, Fm certain. — Oh, oh ! I beg pardon — (hiccup) 
—yes, I beg pardon ; if you drink your riddling will stop, 
and then the dance will stop — and then, perhaps, my brandy- 
and- water will stop ; and then this glorious treat will stop — 
dance, dance away, by all manner of means! — you may fiddle 
'till doom's day for any thing that Moses Grabum cares about 
the matter, so that these ere supplies ain't stopped." 

The loud ringing of the drawing-room bell summoned 
Claudius from the dance, to wait upon the dancers. As, 
however, Mistress Fatpan felt no inclination to allow herself 
to remain destitute of a partner, the beadle was obliged, by a 
tangible invitation, to stand up 1 Fortunately for himself and 
others, he was not expected to stand steady or erect ; that, in- 
deed, would have been as difficult a task for him to perform, 
as it would for a landsman to maintain a perpendicular position 
on the deck of a cutter in a furious storm. Once or twice 
he performed the evolutions of the merry dance ; but the 
twisting and twirling about, chasing and being chased, so 
mazed his head and curdled the wine and brandy-and-water 
he had swallowed, as to render him incapable of distinguish- 
ing' his own partner, the jolly skipping cook, from the sta- 
tionary kitchen clock before which he stood curvetting, with 
his head lolling from left to right, like a weaver's shuttle ; or 
backwards and forwards after the fashion of a carved Man- 
darin's. 

" Master Grabum," shouted Mistress Fatpan, as sue waited 
for her partner at the bottom of the room, "what in the 
name of goodness are you doing there, man ? why don't you 
come down ? — how long is one to be kept waiting ? — what 
are you whirlygiging there about V* 

" Come down ?" replied Grabum, as he turned his head in 
the direction whence the sound proceeded, — " Come down — 
(hiccup) — is it, eh ? — that's easy enough said, arn't it now ? 
— come down ! — very pretty, indeed ! my pretty partner — 
ha ! ha ! ha ! — (hiccup) — why don't you come up I should 
like to know ? — (hiccup)— I think I soon shall come down, or 
go down if I arn't careful." 

So saying, he turned his long body with the intention of 
following the inviting voice ; but unfortunately the turn was 



120 THE RAMBLES OF 

too much for him ; he reeled and cut a new figure — staggered 
— and cut himself by pushing his hand through a pane of 
glass, and then fell, to the entire discomfiture of the dancers, 
the amusement of Juno, and the destruction of all the figures 
that were, or that were contemplated. 

" There now I" roared the prototype of an overgrown tur- 
tle, as he sprawled upon his hands and knees, endeavouring, 
but in vain, to place himself upon his own good understand- 
ings again, — " I told you I should soon attend to your wishes 
and come down — (hiccup) ; — but where are you, Mistress 
Fatpan ? I don't perceive you, — are you down too ? — your 
confounded twirling about has completely turned my head." 

Just at the moment that the beadle was in the position re- 
ferred to, with his posteriors turned towards the kitchen 
door, Claudius returned ; and supposing that Master Grabum 
was performing some novel exhibition for the amusement of 
the company, who all stood holding their sides with laughter, 
the thought entered his mind that he could give some little 
colouring to the feat, and so heighten its effect. The thought 
no sooner entered his cranium than he hasted to put it into 
practice ; and, therefore, with one spring he vaulted upon the 
back of the fallen official, like a grinning champhenzie on the 
shoulders of a dancing bear. The action, however, being un- 
expected, and the beadle's head inclining towards the centre 
of gravity, he again returned to his position of all-fours, while 
Claudius, curled up like a hedge-hog, was rolled at the velo- 
city of sixty miles an hour against the perpendiculars of 
Mistress Sally ; by which concussion, like the effect of a well- 
aimed ball at a pair of nine-pins, she was reduced to a level 
with, and placed by the side of, the sprawling Master Grabum. 

Without waiting to enquire how she had been so reduced, 
Sally leaped up again in the twinkling of an eye, and apparently 
entered into the sport with as much delight as any one of the 
delighted party ; while even Grabum felt amused by the cir- 
cumstance, and, forgetting his own ignoble position, laughed 
heartily in concert with the other members of the kitchen. 

As soon as order was restored, Claudius performed the 
duties of his office, by handing a glass of wine to each of the 
ladies, while a fresh supply of hot water, with which a good 
quantity of the doctor's cognac was associated, was furnished 
the gentlemen with unsparing freedom, for — 

•• None grudg'd his fellow that which cost him nought." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 121 



CHAPTER X. 

M Nina. 'Tis said that marriages are made in heaven ; 
Dost think so, Eustace ? 
Eus, I never yet have climb'd so high, fair Lady, 

And therefore cannot speak to : t, 
Nina. Pshaw ! Eustace, 1 ask your thoughts merely. 
Eus. Well, then, thus they run : — I do believe 

That far the greater number here made up 

Heav'n disapproves.— Ergo, — they vrere not made in heav'n." 

" Courtship a la Mode." 

" Past twelve o'clock, and a rainy night/' had just been 
bawled by one of the guardians of the Light, and Claudius 
was amusing the company in the kitchen by spouting the oft- 
recited description which Noryal gives of the means by which 
he acquired a knowledge of the art of war, commencing 
with, — 

" Beneath a mountain's brow, the most remote, 
And inaccessible, by shepherds trod : 
In a deep cave, dug by no mortal hand, 
A hermit lived, a melancholy man. — 

He had proceeded so far as — 

" Pleas 'd with my admiration, and the fire, 
His speech struck from me," — 

when Grabum, who had fallen fast asleep over the glass 
which he had emptied half-a-dozen different times, tumbled 
from his chair, completely overcome by the potent influence 
of Morpheus and the sincere devotion he had paid to Bacchus. 
It now became an important question how, or in what way, 
this fag-end piece of the law should be disposed of. His re- 
turn home until 

•• Bright Phoebus had mounted his car in the east 

was out of all question ; — with as much ease might the stone 
figure of Ganymede, which adorned the lawn at the back of 
the parsonage, have stepped down from the pedestal on which 
she stood, and have waited on the inferior deities who were 
enjoying themselves in the doctor's drawing-room, as Grabum 
could have walked a yard. 

After a short time spent in deliberation over the prostrate 
hero, it was proposed by Claudius, and carried with acclama- 



122 THE RAMBLES OF 

tion, that he snould be conveyed forthwith to his (Claudius's) 
bed. In pursuance of this resolution the cumbrous body of 
the constable of Christchurch was, with no little difficulty, 
raised upon three or four shoulders, Juno having placed 
himself behind to push up the fleshly load ; while Claudius, 
taking a candle, went before to light the bearers to Grabum's 
intended resting-place. 

The great difficulty which existed in raising the beadle 
from the floor operated partially to rouse him from his heavy 
stupor ; who, dreaming, it would appear, that he had been a 
successful candidate at a contested election, and was just re- 
turned as the representative of a rotten borough, supposed 
that the act of chairing was taking place. So powerful was 
the effect of the phantasmagorial illusion upon his distem- 
pered brain, that he acted to the life some of the highly cha- 
racteristic scenes played off by not a few newly created 
legislators of the nation, and roared out, with understand- 
ing about upon a par with theirs, in half articulated sounds : 

"The consti — (hiccup) — tution for — (hiccup) — ever! — The 
church — (hiccup) — and con — (hiccup) — stitution ! — Gentle- 
men, I promise — (hiccup) — I promise to , exert — (hiccup) — 
myself, and to employ my — (hiccup) — influence for the — 
(hiccup) — repeal of all taxes ; — huzza ! — (hiccup) — huzza ! — 
liberty and plenty — and no tax — es!" 

Thus he continued to roar in excellent style, until his head 
again sunk upon his breast, and in that condition he was 
borne from the scene of his debauch, while the cook and the 
housemaid were left to their own cogitations. 

The parsonage-house was one of those large old-fashioned 
rambling edifices, which during the reign of Elizabeth were 
erected, as if for the double purpose of supplying comfort 
and defence, — half castle, half dwelling-house. A wealthy 
Romanist, to whom it originally belonged, had, at his decease, 
left it, together with other property, to the church, in order 
that a certain number of masses might be said for his soul 
annually, 

" 'Till the foul crimes, done in his days of nature, 
Were purged away." 

At the time of the Reformation, when a bill was passed for 
the suppression of the newly erected monasteries, the aboli- 
tion of the mass, and the re-establishment of the liturgy 
adopted in the reign of Edward, the property of the church 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 123 

passed into other hands ; so that the Catholic clergy were not 
only by solemn and public disputation beaten at all points, 
and silenced by act of Parliament, and thereby stopped by the 
imposition of pains and penalties from pursuing theh reli- 
gious functions ; but at the same time were ousted from the 
possessions which were their bond fide right, by being made 
over to them voluntarily by their friends and benefactors. 

The house in question, which was now occupied by Dr. 
Titheum, was among such transferred property ; and here, 
where once a studious Romish Priest dwelt, a revelling Pro- 
testant Divine resided. 

As has been stated, the house was a large old-fashioned 
one. The turnings and windings in this many chambered 
building were sufficient to puzzle any one who possessed not 
a clue something like that by which the hero of ancient story 
traversed the labyrinth of Crete. 

Now as Claudius had only very recently become a tenant 
of this said mystically constructed mansion, it would not 
have been very surprising if, in the present excited state of 
his feelings, he had missed his way ; — whether such really was 
the case, or whether a freak of fancy, the mere out-breaking 
of his inherent propensities, moved him to the act, is not 
material to our subject : it is sufficient to state for the infor- 
mation of the reader, that either he did mistake his way, or 
by a wilful piece of waggery, he entered the bed-chamber of 
the cook instead of his own, and into it the party followed, 
bearing with them their heavy and unconscious burden. 
Having placed the beadle on the floor, they proceeded to un- 
clothe him, which task having been performed with all possi- 
ble despatch, they laid him quietly between the sheets, and 
then returning to the kitchen they 

" Left him alone in his glory." 

During the whole of this period the spirit-stirring sounds 
of music, and the doctor's generous wine, kept the guests in 
the drawing-room in the best and most happy humour. 
Dance after dance was performed with taste and spirit ; after 
which Georgiana, at the request of the company, sat down to 
her instrument, and played several tunes, accompanying its 
sweet tones with,— as Sir Marmaduke declared, 'pon his 
honour, — " her own sweeter voice." 

The compliment paid to the young lady by the man whom 
the doctor longed to call " son-in-law," delighted the fond 
g2 



124 THE RAMBLES OF 

father beyond expression, and inspirited him to make an at- 
tempt to bring the matter about. 

u I fear, Sir Marmaduke," observed the rector, "you are 
at your old tricks again — employing flattery for sinister pur- 
poses. 5 ' 

" No ! 'pon my honour/' replied Sir Marmaduke, — " say 
sincere, if you please, my dear Sir ; — I never was more so in 
all my life, I assure you. Miss Georgiana' s voice is posi- 
tively enchanting ! — 'tis, 'pon my honour. Whether her strains 
are allegro or pensoroso, they equally delight by their full 
flowing melody ! — they do, 'pon my honour — " 

" Now, Sir Marmaduke," interrupted Georgiana, " I really 
feel surprised that one so skilled in the rules of etiquette 
should so far forget what is due to the lady who has honoured 
you with her hand for the evening, as to turn the full tide of 
your eloquent flattery upon another. Now, ladies," she 
added, turning to the softer sex, " I do think that we have 
a right to take some revenge upon Sir Marmaduke for his 
treatment of Mrs. Threadlace ; as an offence committed 
against one should be considered an insult done to the whole 
of the sex. What say you, ladies ?" 

" Allow me, Miss Georgiana," interrupted the knight, " to 
say, — 'pon my honour — " 

" Oh, yes, — you may say so much," resumed MissTitheum, 
with provoking satire in her tone and look ; " but you know, 
Sir, that honour and courtesy should always be associated." 

" Ton my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, " you are 
very severe, — I beg pardon, — you are indeed — very — 'pon 
my honour." His confusion caused his thoughts so to jos- 
tle against each other, that he committed a blunder every 
time he opened his mouth, or gave utterance to expressions 
he intended not to employ ; and then again, while striving to 
correct one mistake, made another and more palpable one. 
The knight's embarrassment afforded more real sport to the 
arch satirist than she had derived from all the entertain- 
ments of the evening. 

"Ha! hal ha!" laughed Georgiana, — "Do you, indeed, 
believe so of me, Sir Marmaduke ? — I am not cruelly so, I 
hope ; bear witness, ladies, is my severity beyond — ?" 

"Excuse me, MissTitheum," interrupted the knight; "I 
bow to your decision ; but really, Miss Titheum, you are — 
'pon my honour." 

" Am I upon your honour, Sir Marmaduke ?" shouted the 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 125 

lady, playing upon his expression. " Ha ! ha ! ha ! Indeed ! 
— well then, I shouldn't wonder, if, like some fiery Pega- 
sus, I am run away with ; I do hope, however, it will bear 
me softly and safely." 

" Of that there can be no doubt/' interposed the doctor. 
" The honour of Sir Marmaduke is a fortress of defence ; 
and happy must that lady be who may live beneath its pro- 
tection." 

" Ton my honour," replied the knight, " I feel proud of 
possessing such an opinion from one so capable of judging 
correctly, and giving an unbiassed verdict, as Dr. Titheum." 

" I have for some time, Sir Marmaduke," resumed the 
doctor, " felt beyond measure astonished, that you, with all 
the recommendations you possess, and the evident good grace 
in which you stand with the fair sex, should so long remain 
in the unsocial and unnatural state of celibacy, as if you had 
taken orders as a Jesuit. I had hoped to have had the plea- 
sure, long before now, of presenting you with one of the best 
gifts that Heaven has bestowed upon man in this world." 

"Ton my honour," replied Sir Marmaduke, "What do 
you mean, doctor — eh ? I confess I do not clearly construe 
your meaning. I am certain your gifts to-night, in the shape 
of an excellent supper, choice wines, and, may I add, delight- 
ful company," bowing to the ladies, "have been most excel- 
lent ; indeed, I can't conceive how any man could desire bet- 
ter, — 'pon my honour, doctor." 

" Why, of the kind, Sir Marmaduke," rejoined the doctor, 
" they are, I am happy to say, good ; but what are these, 
compared with a good wife ?" 

"A good wife /" exclaimed the knight. " Whew ! — 'pon 
my honour — " 

" Aye," said the doctor, '* that is the gift I refer to. I am 
sure Mr. Threadlace will join with me in opinion, that a good 
wife is of all good things the very best." 

u Oh, certainly, doctor, " replied 'Squire Threadlace, while 
the words almost stuck in his throat ; and then, as if recol- 
lecting himself, he added, with emphasis and vivacity, " A 
good wife is beyond the price of rubies I" 

" Ah, Mr. Threadlace," interposed his dear wife, " you, of 
all men, have reason to say so." 

" Indeed I have, love" rejoined her lord, although not with 
such a response as a full conviction of the benefit to which 
Mrs. Threadlace referred would have sent forth. " Matri- 



126 THE RAMBLES OF 

mony, doctor, 1 ' he continued, as if inspired by the mere 
mention of the subject, "is a blessed thing ; it is the making 
of one for life, — and has," he added aside, " made me miser- 
able for that period. 5 ' 

" Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " such flattering 
recommendations are almost irresistible ; — they seeni some- 
thing like lime-twigs set to catch young birds on. 6ut, tell 
me, doctor, is it not, think you, a greater game of hazard than 
the state lottery presents of obtaining a prize, whether a good 
wife may be obtained or not ? And, if a bad one should 
come out of the wheel, — how then ? Ton my honour ! I 
think, doctor, you say it is ' for better for worse, for richer for 
poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish till 
death us do part'- — does it not so run, doctor ?" 

" Exactly," replied the rector. "You are already perfect 
in an important part of the ceremony." 

"Ton my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, "I think 
then, doctor, it is a fearful experiment. Perchance it may 
turn out all worse and no better, — and then where are we to 
look for redress — eh ? Now, it is my opinion, — positively it 
is, — that where no trial is permitted before the bargain is 
finally and for ever made — a man should look well be- 
fore he leaps, — 'pon my honour. I recollect, doctor, having 
read a stanza to the point, from, as I opine, the pen of some 
unfortunate wight in this respect. Something in this way — 
Urn !— Oh !— Ah I— I have it !— 

Maids, while you court, and talk of love, 
Will smile, be pleased, good-natured, civil ; 
The maid, once made a wife, will prove 
A very angel or a . 

Save your presence, ladies, I cannot repeat what the author 
says she may become. You, doctor, know what will make a 
rhyme, — and understand, — 'pon my honour." 

" Ee ! ee I ee I" giggled the doctor, in an abashed way. 
" You are satirical, Sir Marmaduke." 

" No, — 'pon my honour," replied the knight ; " positively 
serious, — never more so in all my life." 

" Well, well," added the rector, " you say true about look- 
ing and leaping ; — nevertheless, the figure is rather an un- 
gallant one. Is it not, Sir ?" 

"Ton my honour I meant no offence," answered the 
knight. " It was a saying, doctor, which, as I may say, was 
at hand ; and, without fatiguing one's mind for something 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 127 

fresh, I judged it would answer all the purposes I intended. 
I merely mean, we should leap cautiously, as we say when 
on the scent." 

" But, Sir Marmaduke," replied Dr. Titheum, " if a lady 
could be recommended, of whose character, spirit, accom- 
plishments, and property, — every thing excellent and desir- 
able could be said, — what would your opinion be ?" 

"Why, then, doctor," answered Sir Marmaduke, "I 
should fear the recommendation was either an imposture by 
design, or an error through ignorance." 

" Oh, the Vandal! — the Goth I — the monster in human 
form ! — the unnatural brute !" whispered Mrs. Threadlace to 
Miss Fidget, scarcely able to hold within any thing like mo- 
derate bounds the boiling passion of her soul. " Why don't 
you speak to him, Miss ? Oh, that I were a young lady, for 
his sake !" 

"Me speak to him! Me, Mrs. Threadlace !" exclaimed 
the poodle-loving lady, " Oh, no, no, no, — not I, indeed ; he 
would, in that case, be vain enough to believe that I would 
condescend to receive his addresses." 

" Then," resumed the doctor, " I presume, Sir Marma- 
duke, you have entered your unchangeable protest against 
the holy estate ?" 

" Why, not exactly, — 'pon my honour," replied the knight, 
" but I feel so excessively awkward at the business, when I 
turn my attention to that point, that I fear unless some young 
lady, in the condescension and angel-like kindness of her 
nature, meets me more than half-way, I shall be consigned to 
perpetual celibacy, — 'pon my honour. This, doctor, more 
than any fear of the -consequences, keeps me, I think, from 
holy matrimony." 

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the doctor, revived in his hopes 
by the knight's confession and declaration. " There is yet 
hope of you then, Sir Marmaduke, and a chance for the 
ladies present. Come, Miss Fidget," he continued, in a tone 
of jest, and really without any expectation or desire that his 
observation would be responded to by her, " come now, what 
say you to this bashful penitent ?" 

" Me, Sir ?" replied Miss Fidget. 

" Aye, you, my dear Miss," replied the doctor. He would 
have proposed the question to Georgiana, but supposing that 
the certain age of Miss Fidget would at once settle the matter 
and furnish him with an opportunity of proposing seriously 
his daughter afterwards, he named the senior lady first. 



128 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Ton my honour, doctar," observed Sir Marmaduke, 

your indefatigable labour in my behalf lays me under a 
mountain of obligation ; — it does, 'pon my honour. If I 
could dare entertain one encouraging hope concerning Miss 
Fidget, all my objections, — that is, my fears on the momen- 
tous question in hand would, like the thin mist of morning 
before the glance of the solar ray, recede and disappear, nor 
leave a trace behind ; — they would, 'pon my honour." 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke !" simpered out the affected young 
lady, with maidenly shyness, " you surely cannot be serious 
in the statements you make." 

" Ton my honour, madam," replied the knight, throwing 
the back of his right hand into the palm of his left, " I not 
only can be, but am." 

The doctor looked as awkward as a young spendthrift on 
the first day of term, when tapped on the shoulder by one of 
those ubiquitous — every where present things — called a she- 
riff's officer. He had drawn his arrow to the head, and, as 
he had cause to fear, shot it too far ; while the young lady 
half hung her head, but not 

" Like Niobe, all tears." 

Oh, no ; neither did the colour go from her face, — that was 
stationary j but she felt — oh, what did she not feel! — her 
emotions were unutterable — almost unbearable. The sun of 
her fortunes appeared to shine ; it seemed not merely to 
stand still, but, like the shadows upon the dial of Ahaz, to re- 
trograde, for the purpose of smiling upon her. The cloudy 
winter of discontent was gathering fast about her, threaten- 
ing to consign her to perpetual vestality, when suddenly the 
spring of hope blossomed forth promisingly, — if rightly she 
augured, — a joyful harvest of matrimonial felicity. The truth 
is, Miss Fidget had all her life answered to her name. In the 
days of her teens, lovers, like fluttering insects in a summers 
sun, crowded about her path, each one seeking to live in her 
smile. Three-and-twenty came, and still she had lovers in 
plenty. Thirty arrived,— and even then she might have 
made her own selection ; but no, she allowed ten years more 
— a fatal number when love and beauty are thought on — 
Hke other buried years to pass, — and then her suitors be- 
came 

* c Like angel visits, few, and far between." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 129 

Now her eyes were opened to behold her folly, and her heart 
sickened as she looked upon the figure of herself displayed 
by her mirror : — hair grey, flesh shrivelled, face pale, teeth 
— but why need we proceed ? She feared, and not without 
cause, that her day was over. 'Tis true, her wealth was con- 
siderable, and in that lay her only chance, — when suddenly 
and unexpectedly, as has been seen, one bearing a title 
crossed her path, and bade her hope. 

" Sir Marmaduke," said Miss Fidget, as well as the flutter 
of her bosom would allow her, " I should think that any 
young lady would feel flattered by such compliments, and — 
although I ought not, perhaps, so freely to confess myself, 
— but I detest hollow prudishness. Yet, if I were inclined 
to listen to the advances of any gentleman, I should feel half 
disposed to say to you, as Desdemona did to the brave Moor, 

1 If you have a friend that loves me, 
And could but teach him how to tell your story, 
Why that should win me.' " 

" Umph !" said the doctor. " Why that is speaking fairly 
at all events. How think you, Georgie ?" 

" Indeed, papa," returned his daughter, " on such matters 
I feel scarcely allowed to think ; but if I did think,- and were 
allowed to give utterance to my thoughts, making them 
vocal, perhaps I might feel disposed to say, as Miss Fidget 
says Desdemona did, that Sir Marmaduke ought to do as 
Othello said he did upon his lady-love's hint, — he ought to 
speak out, — 

* And, while she loves him for what he has said, 
He should love her because she listen'd to him.' " 

" Ton my honour, Miss Georgiana, you are an excellent 
adviser," said Sir Marmaduke, " and, with such an instruc- 
tress, I may hope to succeed." 

" Miss Titheum !" exclaimed Miss Fidget. " Miss Tithe- 
um! do, for mercy's sake, have some respect for my 
feelings." 

" Why, really now, my dear Miss Fidget," replied' Georgiana, 
in the same provoking tone of raillery, " one would imagine, 
to hear you, that I had been looking nameless things at Sir 
Marmaduke ; now, I am very sure I do respect your feelings, 
and promise I will neither by word or deed, by wink, nod, or 
whisper, mar the splendid conquest you have just made. 

o 5 



130 THE RAMBLES OF 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! May all your well-earned laurels flourish for 
ever upon your deserving head." 

" Miss Titheum I Miss Titheum I" cried the young lady. 

"And I further promise," continued the satirist, turning 
to the rest of the company, " I do further promise, in the 
presence of this goodly assembly, that I will cheerfully, at an 
hour's notice, attend your summons, — should it please you 
to honour me so far, — and become your maid of honour at 
your nuptials." 

A loud and hearty laugh, which had long been suppressed, 
broke forth as Georgiana closed her address, while Mrs. 
Threadlace protested she never heard nothing more hand- 
somely offered in all her life, — adding, " I have no question, 
Miss Fidget and Sir Marmaduke, that all present will, with 
much sincerity and pleasure, wish you every blessing, — and 
as much happiness as Mr. Threadlace and myself have 
enjoyed." 

" And if," said the 'squire to himself, " it is only as much, 
you will not be surfeited." 

" 'Pon my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, " you are 
suffocatingly kind; and I promise, Miss Titheum, if I have 
any influence on the occasion, you shall perform the honour- 
able duties your friendship has offered ; — 'pon my honour." 

The doctor felt chagrined, almost beyond endurance, at the 
abortion of his plan and the failure of his hopes, and, there- 
fore, with less regret than otherwise he would have done, he 
heard orders issued for the preparation of the carriages, and, 
as his guests departed, pair after pair, he endeavoured to 
console himself with the hope that some other alliance, 
equally desirable, in reference to property and family con- 
nexions, might at no very distant period be effected for his 
lovely daughter. 

CHAPTER XL 

"Hist ! hist! hist! 
The reveller's fete is o'er. 

List ! list ! list ! 
To a tale never heard before; 
Of alarm — 
Not of dread ; 
Of one who was found 
In a lady's bed!" 

Sally Maggs. 

Disappointments experienced, and hopes destroyed, form 
a species of mental gangrene — a blight and mildew — to all the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 131 

enjoyments with which a kind Providence.may have favoured 
us. Like the canker and palmer worms, the locusts, and 
the caterpillars of old, they devour the health of the spirits, 
and turn to barrenness the most fair and fruitful spots in the 
soul. " What availeth me all these, " is the language of such 
a disappointed one as he turns a cold and hasty glance over 
the good which yet remains to him, " while that upon which 
my heart's strongest wishes and warmest desires was fixed, 
is not, — cannot be enjoyed?" 

All this was now felt by the doctor, with a degree of se- 
verity which acquired strength fron the circumstance of his 
expectations, which were sanguine, having been so suddenly 
and unexpectedly cut off: neither reason nor philosophy were 
sufficient to relieve his mind from the gnawings which it en- 
dured. His experience formed but too close a parallel to 
that of the jealous Hainan's of old. 

Georgiana perceived the cloud which hung upon her 
parent's brow, and by some innocent and playful raillery 
strove to dissipate it ; but her efforts were unsuccessful. She 
knew not how to meet the gloom, being unacquainted with 
its cause — she imputed it to the change which had followed 
the departure of the guests, little imagining that herself and 
Sir Marmaduke 

" Had hung around his manly brow 
The marks of scathing care." 

Feeling herself heavy with sleep and fatigued with dancing, 
she rang for bed candles ; and then having, as was her wont, 
kissed her father affectionately, and recommended his retir- 
ing to rest, she wended her way to her chamber. Left to him- 
self, the doctor determined to try the narcotic influence of a 
pipe ; and accordingly, he rang the bell, and upon Claudius's 
appearing, desired him to bring his dressing-gown and slip- 
pers ; which done, he repaired to his smoking-room, mixed 
himself a stiff glass of brandy-and-water, and then sat him 
down before a cheerful fire to luxuriate amidst the double 
fumes of tobacco-smoke and strong spirits. 

Some faint glimmerings of approaching day appeared in 
the east, when Sir Marmaduke Varney's carriage, the last of 
the party, drove from Dr. Titheum's door. In a short time 
all within the mansion was silent as the grave, where one 
short hour before all was life and revelry. The servants, one 



132 THE RAMBLES OF 

by one, had retired to their beds ; Betty, the cook, alone re- 
mained in the kitchen, and she was preparing to follow the 
example of her fellows, by pouring out one more glass of 
cordial in order to compose her to sleep during the few hours 
she had to lie. Having taken this final dose, she hasted to 
her bedroom, more asleep than awake. 

" How very dreadful sleepy I am, to be sure I" she yawned 
out ; "I declare I can hardly hold my head up ! — Oh, dear ! — 
I don't know how I shall undress, — I can't curl my hair to- 
night, or this morning I might say for that matter — no, that 
I can't. Well, it isn't no great consequence, that I knows of." 
And again she yawned. Piece by piece her garments fell 
from her as she unpinned or untied them ; and as they fell, so 
they lay, for she was too much overpowered with sleep to 
place them in order. 

" Well, I do wish I was married — that T really do," she 
soliloquized ; " then I might, possibly, get some rest, if it 
was but little ; for little rest, as the boy said, would be better 
than none at all ; and I'm sartin sure I shall never get any 
in this ere place." Her tongue refused sending forth any 
more sweet sounds ; and, as she proceeded to undress, her 
eyelids fell, and it was with the utmost difficulty she could 
perform the office of waiting-woman to herself. At length 
the really difficult business was accomplished, the light was 
extinguished, and Mistress Betty rolled into bed. 

" Oh !" yawned the fatigued cook, as she stretched her 
limbs to their full extent, — "how refreshing this is !" 

Scarcely had the sleepy sounds issued from Betty's lips 
before her feet came in contact with a warm body, while a 
rough uncourteous voice exclaimed — " I say, what are you 
arter ? — Be quiet, wilt ?" 

Betty heard no more, — her ears and eyes were wide open ; 
— with a loud shriek she bounded from the bed, and fell 
fainting on the floor. 

The time that Grabum had slept, — for he it was who still 
occupied the cook's bed, — together with the loud cry that 
had just sounded in his ear, operated partially to restore him 
to his senses. Still, the remaining stupor of intoxication so 
much confused as to disqualify him to comprehend dis- 
tinctly the meaning of what he had heard. Some indistinct 
recollection floated across his brain of the scene he had played 
with the Gypsies, as well as of the last night's carousal; — 
these, however, were so entangled as to darken rather than 
illumine his mind. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 133 

Raising himself up in the bed, he endeavoured, by rubbing 
his eyes, to brush away the chaos of perplexity by which he 
appeared to be surrounded — the mist and confusion of con- 
tending thoughts by which he was harassed. 

In order to ascertain the exact position, if possible, in 
which he was placed, he felt for the edge of, and then stepped 
from, the bed. He had not, however, proceeded two paces 
before he came in contact with the prostrate body of the un- 
conscious cook, over which he stumbled and fell headlong 
upon the floor. 

" Was ever scene like that which followed, 
Since a large fish the prophet swallowed V 

The huge head of the falling man of authority came into 
sudden and violent contact with a certain chamber requisite, 
and shivered it into pieces ;— if, indeed, it had been composed 
of less fragile material than it was, the hard head which now, 
like an ancient battering-ram, came againsj; it, must have 
caused its demolition. Instantly, a fragrant stream flowed 
round his perturbed cranium, and saturated every thread of 
his linen. 

If Spleen, with her wrinkled brow and scowling eye — or 
Passion, with distorted countenance and swollen veins — or 
Melancholy, with her languid look and morbid feeling, — had 
been present to view the ludicrous scene which was exhibited, 
the fearful character of their several forms would have under- 
gone an instant change, — or 

" Laughter, holding both his sides," 

would have driven the acrid- tempered spirits from the spot, 
and claimed it for his own, 

Claudius had long been listening in anxious expectation 
for the commencement of this anti-musics! farce, and there- 
fore had not entirely unclothed himself. No sooner was the 
first note sounded in the shriek of the cook, than, leaping 
from the bed, he ran to her bedroom door, which being 
much more contiguous to his own than any other, he soon 
reached — as, also, from that circumstance he was acquainted 
with its exact position, of which the other male servant was 
ignorant. 

" What is amiss, Mistress Fatpan ?" enquired Claudius. 

" Mistress who ?" groaned the half-stunned Grabum, rais- 
ing his dripping head, — " For heaven's sake," he continued, 
"tell me where I am ?" 



134 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Why, who are you ?" enquired Claudius, half choked 
with laughter at his own mischievous trick. 

" Who am I ?" replied the beadle, " Why I took myself 
.to be Moses Grabum, beadle of Christchurch, but I fancy I 
am mistaken." 

" I am greatly mistaken if you are," observed Claudius in 
an under tone ; " but how come you in that room ?" 

" Oh ! I know not, — no more than a child unborn, as we 
say, how I came here, or, indeed, where I am ! — Can you in- 
form me ? — I am in a sad state, howsomever." 

" Oh ! oh I" cried Claudius, — (< Is that what you mean ? 
You have broken into the house, and now you pretend igno- 
rance, do you ? We'll let you know presently where you 
are, I promise you. Here, Joseph !" shouted Claudius, as 
he ran to his chamber- door, " make haste ; bring your pis- 
tol with you — here is a robber in Mistress Fatpan's chamber ! 
— Be quick ! — fly ! — or he'll murder her perhaps \" 

The first ungentle knocking of Claudius at the butler's 
chamber-door, roused him from a sound sleep, in which he 
was dreaming of his beloved Mistress Fatpan, and the iden- 
tical person who had now so unceremoniously called him 
back from the regions of ideality to the world of actual ex- 
istence. At once he obeyed the call, without exactly know- 
ing for what purpose, or by whom it had been given. Draw- 
ing on his leathern unmentionables, and seizing a pistol 
which fortunately was unloaded, he followed the sound and 
rushed towards the cook's sleeping-room ; when who should 
he encounter but Claudius himself with a light in his hand, 
who, having placed his mouth to the key-hole, was enquiring 
how Mistress Fatpan found herself. 

Mistaking the dream, from which he had just been so sud- 
denly awakened, for a painful reality, the confused butler was 
almost strangled with rage. " You audacious fellow !" he 
exclaimed, " have I then caught you at her door ?"— With- 
out interrogating further, or waiting, as good manners would 
have dictated, for an answer to his question, he aimed a fear- 
ful blow with the butt-end of his pistol at the head of our 
hero, who parrying the stroke most adroitly with the candle- 
stick, the taper received the fracture which was intended for 
Claudius's pate, and in a moment they were in total dark- 
ness, wrestling for the mastery. 

" Are you mad, Joseph ?" enquired Claudius, getting 
breath, " and if you are not, why do you treat me thus ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 135 

If any of my readers have at any time laboured under the 
influence of the insanity of jealousy, they will at once be able 
to account for the singular conduct of the coachman on the 
present occasion; and if theyhzvenot, no description which by 

" That mighty instrument of little men," 

as Byron calls a pen, can be furnished^ can he be made to un- 
derstand it. The attitude and action in which he had seen the 
cook with Claudius, when he suddenly entered the kitchen, had 
haunted him from that hour; — he had dreamed aboutit, — and 
now the first thing that salutes his ears, and that greets his 
eyes, is Claudius seeking, as he imagined, an entrance to the 
chamber of his fair inamorata. The very question which 
Claudius proposed, and the conciliatory tone in which that 
question was proposed, appeared only like placing a lighted 
match to a train of gunpowder. He foamed with rage, and 
gnashed upon the livery lad with his teeth. 

" I'll make you mad before Fve done with you !" roared 
Joseph ; " or I'll stop your wizzen altogether/' 

Perhaps he would have effected his purpose, so tightly had 
he grasped the throat of Claudius, and by so doing have ter- 
minated the freaks of the mischief-loving youth, if at that 
moment the voice of Betty, who was just awaking from her 
swoon, had not been heard. 

"Help! help! help!" she exclaimed. "Joseph," she 
added, " here is a man in my room ! — Make haste, or I shall 
be murdered L" 

" Where am I ?" again enquired the almost fainting 
Grabum, his teeth chattering in his head as the effect of his 
recent ablution and the terrible alarm which began to creep 
over him. 

The doctor, who, as we stated, had retired to his smok- 
ing room to enjoy his pipe, &c, having been roused from a 
reverie into which he had fallen while meditating upon tithes, 
pluralities, and a see, by the noise he heard, and feeling him- 
self doubly bold from the effects of the grog he had taken, 
waited not to ring the bell and make enquiries, but ran, or 
rather staggered, on the instant to the scene of confusion, 
with his lighted candle in his hand. 

Joseph still held Claudius fast, after the fashion that -a 
rapacious falcon holds in his talons a harmless wren. 

" Heighday ! heighday 1" exclaimed the doctor, — " What, 
not yet in bed — (hiccup) — Joseph — eh ? and Claudius too !** 



136 THE RAMBLES OF 

he added, holding up his light with as steady a hand as he 
could command. " "What is the matter here ?" he enquired; 
" are you drunk, you rogues, you ? and here in my quiet 
house, at this unseasonable hour, making brawls which would 
shame a pot-house ?" 

" Sir ! Sir I" stammered out Joseph, " I ax your pardon, 
but this ere Master Claudo has been making too free with 
Mistress Fatpan." 

" Pooh ! pooh !" rejoined the doctor, — " This is both an 
idle and silly excuse ; — think you that I — (hiccup) — am so 
to be imposed upon — eh? Now I am sure that you are 
drunk, and you know I am constantly warning you against 
that. I hate above all things a drunken servant, and am de- 
termined never to keep one ; — neither property, nor life in 
fact, are safe in the hands of such!" and then, in the true 
spirit of Brabantio, he added — 

" Thou must needs be sure ; 
My spirit and my place have in their power 
To make this bitter to thee." 

" If you will hear me, Sir/ 5 said Claudius, as the relaxing 
grasp of the butler afforded him the power of speech, " I am 
confident you will acquit me, Sir, of all blame." 

" Well, speak out, and be brief," answered the doctor. 

" Help I help ! help !" again shrieked out the cook. 

" What does all this mean?" enquired the doctor, staring 
with amazement, as if he would have pierced the pannels of 
the door with his optics. " Is the house beset with thieves?" 

" Sir," replied Claudius, " I heard the cook scream some 
time since, and, thinking all was not right, I called up Joseph 
to assist me in making examination, and the moment he 
came to this place he ran upon me as if he intended to kill 
me on the spot ; at the same time calling me ugly names, and 
charging me with being intimate with the cook. Why he 
has so used me I am sure I cannot tell." 

" Well, well," said the doctor, " of that we will enquire 
hereafter; other matters appear to demand our attention now. 
Why has the cook roared out for help so — is she dreaming, 
think you ?" 

" Oh ! that I should be placed in this miserable condition!" 
sighed out Grabum. 

" Hark !" exclaimed the doctor, half petrified with alarm, 
" as I am in the commission of the peace, there is a man 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 137 

within ! Open the door immediately/' he added, addressing 
Joseph, " and ascertain who it is.' 5 

Joseph made the attempt, but found it fast on the inside i 
when, applying his mouth to the key-hole in the way his sup- 
posed rival had done, he called out to the cook, " What is 
amiss, Mistress Fatpan ; is any one in your room?" 

" Oh, Joseph ! dear Joseph I" replied the cook; " is that 
you ? Do come in and help me, or I shall be murdered, I 
fear ! — Here is somebody in my bed, I am sartin ; at least 
there was, for I felt them. Oh, do come and help, me I" she 
added, with a scream of terror. 

" Somebody in her bed !" observed the doctor, — " Pooh ! 
pooh ! pooh ! I see how it is : she has been dreaming. In 
her bed ! Why, to be sure, there was when she was in it. I 
have been mistaken in the voice I fancied to be a man's." 

" Oh, Betty!" roared Grabum, as if he had just recovered 
his senses sufficiently to understand something of his posi- 
tion, " is it you who are here ? What a trick you have 
played me !" 

" Get out, you monster!" cried Mrs. Fatpan. — "Joseph! 
Joseph !" she shrieked again, " I shall be turned into a hac- 
tual jelly if you don't come and help me." 

" Open the door," replied the butler ; " you know as how 
I can't get through the key-hole." 

During the whole of this time, Claudius was standing be- 
hind, almost bursting with laughter at the effects of his own 
waggery, and expecting to be gratified with a still more de- 
licious treat in the sequel. 

" Then it really is a fact that there is a man in the room, 
is it ? Force the door instantly !" exclaimed the doctor. " As 
I am in the commission of the peace, Til punish the intruder! 
But stay, — stay a moment or two ; — here, run Claudius to 
my room and bring my blunderbuss before the door is 
broken ; it may be we shall require some defence." 

The command was performed by Claudius in the twinkling 
of an eye ; and had he been as ignorant of the whole affair as 
the doctor himself, he could not have put on a more heroic 
and intrepid bearing than now he did. 

" Allow me, Sir," said the hero, stepping forward, " to 
take the lead here ; I am not afraid to meet any man ; and I 
would rather receive any injury myself than you should be 
harmed, Sir." 

As no contention on this point arose among the assembled 



138 THE RAMBLES OF 

brave spirits, neither the doctor nor Joseph having any par- 
ticular desire to run the hazard of having their heads broke, 
or their brains blown out, the daring champion, Claudius, 
was permitted to enjoy the honour to which he had aspired. 
The command which the doctor had before given not having 
been countermanded, Claudius applied the butt-end of the 
blunderbuss to the lock of the door, and it flew wide open in 
an instant. A sight was presented immediately of the most 
ludicrous character. There stood the beadle, not merely 
shorn of his official habiliments, but almost in a state of nu- 
dity, dripping like a sop just taken from the pan; frag- 
ments of the demolished vessel lay scattered about the room 
in glorious confusion : while the floor was still flooded, not- 
withstanding the quantity which Mr. Grabum had soaked 
up. 

The instant that the door was burst open, and the glancing 
ray of the candle, which the doctor still carried, made visible 
the objects in the room, Betty concealed herself behind the 
curtains of the bed, to which point Joseph kindly threw her 
garments ; while the constable of Christchurch, falling upon 
his knees before the rector, prayed earnestly for forgiveness. 

It was a happy circumstance that Claudius retained pos- 
session of the blunderbuss, for in all probability, if it had 
been in the hands of the doctor, its contents would have 
riddled the long body of the unfortunate official ; if indeed 
the magistrate's trepidation had suffered him to distinguish 
the stock from the barrel, or to have pulled the trigger. 

" Who are you ?" asked Claudius, running up to the hu- 
miliated beadle, and seizing him by the hair of his head. 

" Who are you, and what is your business here ?" inter- 
rupted the doctor. 

" O S — i — r ! S — i — r !" stammered out the trembling 
culprit. 

" Speak out at once, and plainly answer my question," con- 
tinued the now courageous doctor : — " Who are you ?" 

" Who am I ?" replied Jacob, trembling from head to foot; 
"why, don't you really know me ?" 

"Know you ?" rejoined the doctor; — " why the fellow's 
impudence is only equalled by his shameless disregard to de- 
cency ! — I am not in the commission of the peace if I don't 
soon make you know who J am." 

" Oh, Sir!" groaned Grabum, (( I do know who you are ; I 
cannot deny that." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 139 

" Ah, I thought as much !" exclaimed the doctor, " and 
you shall have better cause of knowledge soon. But answer 
my question/' he continued — " How came you here ? was it 
by, or with, the consent, understanding, knowledge, or con- 
nivance, of the young woman who has called for help ?" 

" No, your worship/' replied Grabum, with increasing 
alarm. 

" Thou art an impudent scoundrel, then/' replied his wor- 
ship, " and I am not in the commission of the peace if pun- 
ishment equal to your crime of house-breaking, and other 
criminal acts, shall not be suffered by you." 

"Punishment! house-breaking!" groaned out Grabum. — 
" Oh, have mercy, your worship ! have mercy !" he conti- 
nued, falling again upon his knees, from which he had risen 
a moment before, — " I am as innocent of house-breaking, 
your worship, as a sucking lamb." 

" You are as guilty as a cunning calf/' replied the justice. 
" How came you hither ?" 

" Indeed, your worship, I cannot tell," returned the 
beadle. 

"Oh, oh!" rejoined Titheum, — "You cannot tell, can't 
you ? Oh, that is not quite convenient, I suppose. Well, 
well, we shall find means to make you tell." 

" Indeed, Sir," replied Grabum, " I do not know." 

" You do not know 1" ejaculated the doctor, — " Oh, oh ! 
worse and worse; — never since I have been in the commis- 
sion of the peace, until this hour, have I met with so bare- 
faced and incorrigible a rogue. Not know! — Do you then 
determine to brave and lie it out ? — I suppose your next step 
will be to declare you are not here ! Oh, monstrous i" 

" As true as I am a sinner, your reverence," replied 
Grabum, in accents of so pitiful a kind as would have melted 
the heart of a stone, could it have felt ; — " as I hope for your 
pardon, I speak the truth — I know not how I came here." 

" Who are you ? what is your business ?" cried the reve- 
rend magistrate ; for never having seen Grabum in his un- 
dress, or rather without dress, before, and especially in so 
ludicrous a position as now he was, he had not yet recog- 
nised his person. 

" Oh, Sir !" sighed out the beadle, " is it then true that 
you do not know me ? — I am Moses Grabum, Sir," he con- 
tinued, " constable and beadle of the parish of Christ- 
church." 



140 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Moses Grabum again !" exclaimed the doctor. " Why, 
let me see/' and he pushed the light close to his face, — 
" What say you," he added, appealing to Joseph and Clau- 
dius, " is this Moses Grabum ?" 

" Why yes, please your reverence," replied Joseph, " I 
think as how it is." 

By this time the wrath of the butler had considerably 
abated ; beside which, " a horrible light" broke in upon 
him, touching the part which he had taken in placing the 
beadle in the chamber of his affianced. It was true that he 
had done so in ignorance ; but to set up such a plea he 
feared would avail him nothing, either with the doctor or 
Mistress Fatpan. 

" Ha I ha ! ha !" roared the doctor, all his fears suddenly 
passing away, and tickled by the singular figure and circum- 
stance of the constable. " Please to take up your clothes, 
Master Moses," he added, " and walk into another room. I 
must enquire further into this affair." 

Gathering up his scattered garments upon the rector's bid- 
ding, the trembling culprit followed his reverence into an- 
other apartment, escorted by Claudius and Joseph as a sort 
of body guard, or guard of honour. With all possible des- 
patch he jumped into his toggery ; after which the doctor 
proceeded to examine him upon the singular circumstance of 
his having been found in the cook's bedroom, and, as he 
stoutly maintained, without his knowledge or privity. 

After a considerable time had been spent in the business, 
without any thing elucidatory being obtained from him, for 
he continued to insist (notwithstanding the cross-questioning 
he underwent by the subtle justice) that he was ignorant of 
the means by which he had entered the place in which he 
was found, Claudius ventured to suggest to his reverence, 
that he thought some mistake had taken place, which he be- 
lieved, if his reverence would permit, he could explam. 

" So, so, Mister Wiseman 1" observed the doctor,—" you 
fancy then, that you have wisdom in this dark affair beyond 
what I, — I who am in the commission of the peace, pos- 
sess — eh ? 

" I beg your pardon, doctor!" replied Claudius, modestly ; 
" I only ventured to say, that I thought some mistake, which 
I could explain, had taken place." 

" Umph !" said his worship, — " you think so, do you ?" 

" I do, your worship," answered Claudius. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 141 

" Well, then, let us hear it," rejoined the rector, " in as 
few words as may be." 

" I will, Sir," replied Claudius, and he proceeded in as 
delicate a way as possible to state the case, by referring to 
the last evening's revel ; the entrance of Master Grabum into 
the kitchen, fatigued and cold ; the supply afforded him (a 
small quantity of cordial which the cook possessed for her 
own private purpose) ; and the effects it had upon him in 
consequence of his long abstinence. 

" Why, surely, he was not intoxicated !" exclaimed the 
doctor, as if horrified at the bare thought. 

"Intoxicated, Sir!" replied Claudius; "oh no, Sir; a 
little cordial could not intoxicate — he was taken unwell, Sir, 
as Joseph well knows/' 

" Yes, Sir," said Joseph, "very unwell." 

" I was, indeed, Sir," added Grabum. 

" Well, well," observed the doctor, " what then ?" 

" Why, Sir," continued Claudius, " I proposed he should 
be placed in my bed for a short time, in order to refresh him." 

" Well, that was kind," said the doctor ; " that was kind 
and proper ; — what then ?" 

" Why, Sir," replied our hero, " amidst the bustle of the 
evening he was somehow forgotten, and when I went to bed, 
not finding Mr. Grabum there, what could I conclude, Sir, 
but that, as I knew he was anxious to return home, he had 
arisen and left the house while I was busy serving in the 
drawing-room ? But, Sir, I fancy that by mistake, in our 
hurry, he was placed in the cook's bed instead of mine, 
where, falling asleep, he did not wake until the loud scream of 
Mistress Fatpan, on finding a man in her room, aroused him." 

"Ha! ha! ha!" shouted the doctor.— " Well, well, that 
is a strange circumstance, truly I see how it happened per- 
fectly well ; — I see, I see ! — ha ! ha ! ha ! — The kindness of 
your friends,. Master Moses, had nearly proved fatal to you 
—eh ?— ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" Yes, your reverence," replied Grabum, his teeth still 
chattering from cold. 

" Well now, Claudius," continued his worship, " as you 
have in some measure been the cause of Mr. Grabum's alarm, 
and the unpleasant condition in which he has been placed, it 
will be but fair that you should accommodate him with 
part of your bed for a few hours, without making another 
mistake." 



142 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Most willingly, Sir," replied Claudius. 

" And you, Mr. Joseph, are bound, I think," added the 
doctor, " to make some apology to Claudius for the fierce 
attack which you made upon his person, and the unworthy 
act with which your false suspicion charged him." 

" I am obliged to your reverence," interrupted Grabum ; 
" but as the morning is breaking, I will, with your leave, 
make the best of my way home. I fear my long absence will 
have caused considerable alarm already." 

" Well, well," replied the magistrate, " as you please. I 
release you from the present charge, and hope you may never 
again be taken up upon suspicion ; for a second committal, 
however innocent you may be, will go hard with you. Now 
be careful, and when cordials are given to you, take care they 
are not too strong." 

" Thank your reverence," said Grabum, bowing, " I will 
attend to your worship's good advice." 

" Joseph," said the doctor, " see him safe out, and then 
secure the house, and see yourself safe to bed without making 
any further disturbance." So saying, his worship toddled to 
his chamber. Joseph, in company with Claudius, having 
performed their master's bidding, followed his example ; 
while Master Grabum, thankful for having escaped so well, 
bent his course towards his own habitation. 



CHAPTER XII. 

" Stand you there awhile, 
And, with your fingers thus upon your lips, 
Note with what gallant grace I'll hoax him : 
Aye, to the full bent of his own desire, 
I'll do it, and work a double purpose ; — 
Serve my own ends, and flatter his vanity." 



Cyclops. 



It may possibly have been supposed by some who have 
perused these veritable records, that the concern which Lady 
Bolio experienced for the loss of her son, of whom it was be- 
fore stated she was passionately fond, did not partake of those 
striking features of poignant sorrow which the ardent tem- 
perament of the lady might have led them to expect. Such 
conception, however, is founded in error ; her feelings were 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 143 

as powerful and enduring as, perhaps, her nature could have 
sustained. That a mitigation of what she would otherwise 
have endured was experienced by her, through the singular 
and unaccountable regard she had imbibed for Mr. Ferule, is 
beyond a doubt ; the one passion for a while coming in con- 
tact with, and combating, as it were, the other, and so, to a 
certain extent, neutralising or weakening the power of both. 
We have called her passion for Mr. Ferule singular and 
unaccountable, — and so, indeed, it was ; and yet there is no- 
thing exceedingly wonderful or singular in its being singular 
and unaccountable. If the history of a hundred attachments 
which exist betwixt almost any fifty couples were rendered 
public, it is highly probable, that of ninety-nine out of the 
hundred it might be said, they are singular and unaccount- 
able; either in reference to the parties themselves, or in 
connexion with the circumstances and means by which such 
attachments were brought about. Nay, perhaps, no less 
degree of mystery hangs around the experience of the very 
persons themselves who have occasioned this brief digres- 
sion, although their circumstances and ages may differ from 
those of Lady Bolio's and Mr. Ferule's. That, however, which 
is merely speculation, not admitting of proof, can, by no 
mode of reasoning, be brought within the power of demon- 
stration. Thus it is with the parties we have been supposing ; 
but, however the case may be with them, it is not so with 
Lady Bolio ; — all that a mother could feel she felt, and 

*' Who like a Mother can love ! 
Ah ! who like a mother can feel !" 

As soon as the object of the rival passion was removed 
from the lady's mansion, by the withdrawal of Mr. Ferule, 
the full force and current of her heart's undivided affection 
turned towards the absent Claudius ; — it troubled her wak- 
ing and engaged her sleeping hours, and, when every means, 
had been resorted to by which to recover him had failed, and 
every clue to his place of residence, if he still existed, was 
cut off, the conviction fastened with lacerating effect upon her 
mind, that he was dead, and she mourned for him accord- 
ingly ; "bereft at once of peace and hope." 

It was in consequence of a relapse which Lady Bolio ex- 
perienced, produced by the circumstances referred to, that 
Br. Leechum's prescribed visit to Bath was necessarily de- 
layed a few months longer than was intended ; during all 



144 THE RAMBLES OF 

which time Claudius continued to reside with Dr. Titheum, 
performing the duties connected with his office to the entire 
satisfaction of his master, and the pleasure of his fellow-ser- 
vants, while in his own person he was, as the doctor said he 
would be, " happy as the days were long." 

Not a few, however, were the tricks which his constitu- 
tional eccentricity led him to play off upon every member of 
the family, from the doctor himself, down to Mistress Fat- 
pan, the cook. As, however, we feel a sort of obligation 
resting upon us to accompany Lady Bolio in her projected 
excursion to Bath and Clifton, it will only be possible at this 
period to furnish a hasty sketch of the hoax which he played 
upon the reverend justice, and the unexpected consequences 
to which it led. 

It may here be premised, that as the shadow of a shade 
even of suspicion had never entered the mind either of the 
doctor, or any one of the family, of Claudius being any other 
than the offspring of some one of the wandering Gypsy tribe, 
so neither was any thought entertained that he possessed the 
capabilities which in reality he had acquired by a good edu- 
cation, and hence his diction and handwriting were of so su- 
perior a character as easily to pass for the production of a 
person in respectable life ; unless, indeed, he wished to put 
on disguise, and then no clod-pole would have expressed 
himself in more barbarous terms, or have produced a more 
detestable scrawl, unless he had employed a ploughshare 
with which to form the characters in the place of a pen. 

Some months had passed since Claudius entered the ser- 
vice of Dr. Titheum, during which period he had not seen so 
much of the country as he wished and expected. He could 
not command his master to travel, and he therefore deter- 
mined to put his wit to the stretch, and, if possible, devise 
some means by which to induce the doctor to journey, and 
in such a direction as would gratify his own inclination. 

Perhaps that wily politician, that prince of diplomatists, 
the celebrated Talleyrand, never conceived a more daring 
design, or one more difficult to accomplish, during the whole 
period that he managed the alternating governments of 
France, and made princes and monarchs his tools and play 
things, than this which had now been hit upon by Claudius, 
— not merely to make the master travel for the servant's 
pleasure, but to take such a direction as that servant's will 
should dictate. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 145 

The mere concoction of a scheme, however, is not so 
mighty a work, laboured and complicated as it may actually 
be ; — a vivid imagination can accomplish this ; — but to work 
out the scheme, and give the creature of the brain life and 
being, is a task which requires something superior to ima- 
gination to accomplish, — it requires genius ; and in this lofty 
attribute of human nature Claudius was not deficient. 

Our hero was fully aware of what constituted the doctor's 
" weak side," and he also knew that to touch upon any sub- 
ject by which his vanity, as one in the commission of the 
peace, could be flattered, would work wonders in the perfec- 
tion of his scheme : on this point, therefore, he determined to 
found his plot. 

In a short time he had drawn out the plan in his mind; 
and, having procured a finely glazed and gilt-edged sheet of 
writing-paper, with pen and ink, he sat him down in his bed- 
room, after the family had retired to rest, and wrote the fol- 
lowing polite epistle : — 

"To the Rev. Dr. Titheum, Magistrate of the County of Hants. 

" Reverend and Worshipful Sir, 

" An affair of more than ordinary importance has lately 
taken place in the vicinity of Chichester, in the county of 
Sussex ; to deliberate upon which, a full bench of magis- 
trates has been summoned. Your long standing in the com- 
mission of the peace, great learning, and legal acumen, have 
induced the members of a preparatory meeting to solicit your 
valuable assistance on the occasion, in order that your ma- 
tured judgment and extensive information may in some 
measure guide them in their proceedings. The meeting will 
be held in the Council Chamber, North Street, Chichester, 
on Thursday next, the 16th instant. 

"I have the honour to be, Rev. and Worshipful Sir, 

" Your very obedient, humble servant, 
" George Highmans." 

" P. S. As the meeting is to be a profound secret, you will 
oblige by not mentioning it to any individual." 

Having folded, wafered, and directed this delicious mor- 
ceau, his next difficulty was how to get it delivered so that 
it might appear to come from the place referred to. Here he 
was at fault for a moment or two. 

"If," thought Claudius, " I could transport it to the post- 

H 



146 THE RAMBLES OF 

office in Chichester, all would be well, for then it would come 
safe and direct ; but that I cannot do,— and to put it into a 
post nearer home would infallibly lead to detection, as in that 
case the post mark would blab out, and I might be dis- 
covered. What is to be done ? Let me see, — hem ! I have 
it I" he exclaimed, after a short pause, rising, and clapping 
his hands, as expressive of high gratification at the discovery, 
— " I have it — suspicion, I defy thee ! On such an import- 
ant occasion a courier surely cannot be considered out of 
place ; — no, and one shall be had ; — it will appear respect- 
able, and as the doctor loves that honour should be given 
to whom honour is due, never questioning at the same time 
that he has as good a claim to it as any man living, it shall 
be brought express. But then, how am I to receive it ? 
Let me see ; — 1 have it again! To-morrow will be Tuesday. 
I have then to go on an errand to Farmer Primrose's ; it will 
not be very difficult to fall in with the hasty messenger, — for 
in haste he must be, — of whom I can receive the letter, and, 
on my return home, deliver it, of course, to my master. It 
shall be so ; and whether the doctor consents to go, or deter- 
mines otherwise, I, at least, shall escape detection." 

"Whatever applause the wit of Claudius may command, 
the falsehoods which he had deliberately planned, and the 
artful deception to which he voluntarily consented to submit, 
merit nothing short of execration and abhorrence. Our ob- 
ject in recording such cases is, not to recommend their imi- 
tation to the young, the middle aged, or the old ; but to hold 
C( as 'twere the mirror up to nature, to show virtue her own 
feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of 
the time, his form and pressure," and thus exhibit character 
perfect and entire, without omitting ought, or setting down 
any thing from a feeling of anger or favour. 

Claudius, having fully concocted and carefully arranged 
his plan, retired to bed to think it over again, or, perhaps, to 
dream of its successful accomplishment. 

On the following day he was the bearer of a note to the 
farmer's ; and at the same time he carried, safely lodged in 
his pocket, the letter which he intended for the doctor. 

There was in the breasts of the Primroses a well-spring of 
gratitude. The services they had received at the hands of 
any one, — without regarding their standing in society, — were 
never forgotten by them. They did not, like too many, 
make it appear by their conduct that they imagined those 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 147 

beneath them in circumstances deserved no kind returns for 
faithful and serviceable duties performed, or that those who 
enjoyed the comforts and luxuries of life possessed in them 
a title to every service a poor man could perform, as if some 
irrational beast of burden had wrought the action. Oh, no ; 
they estimated the service done according to its own merits, 
and never forgot the person, any more than the act. Hence. 
when Claudius reached their dwelling on the morning in 
question, he received at the hands of Farmer Primrose, as 
well as from every other member of the family, the most 
friendly and warm salute, and while he remained, each vied 
with the other in their exertions to express their gratitude 
for one who, in the fulness of their hearts, they hailed as 
their preserver. The little ones, who, when first they saw the 
Gypsy boy, slunk from him behind their mother's chair, now 
ran to him, and played with his fine clothes, while even Miss 
Kate looked upon his change of appearance with pleasure in 
her eye, and more than half fancied he was a very fine-look- 
ing young man. 

Having performed his master's business at Mr. Primrose's, 
Claudius returned to the rectory, and after delivering a 
message, of which he was the bearer from the farmer to the 
doctor, who was seated in his library, he made a low bow, and 
retreated a step or two towards the door, when, as if suddenly 
recollecting something, he turned back, and observed, as he 
took from his pocket the letter of invitation he had written, 
" I beg pardon, Sir, I had wellnigh forgotten this note, 
which I received from a person on horseback f and he laid 
the billet on the table. 

" Umph V s said the doctor, as he took up the epistle, 
"some important matter, I dare say, from some troublesome 
personage or other, making very humble and very earnest- 
request that I would render them assistance. I am so pes- 
tered with these things, that I have, more than once, deter- 
mined to receive no more communications unless I have some 
notion of the quarter whence they may come. Let me see," he 
added, taking up the letter and surveying it, " this may be 
of some consequence ; the superscription speaks well for it ; 
the hand is evidently that of a gentleman's. Umph ! that alters 
the case ; — it is undoubtedly the writing of a respectable 
person." 

" I think so, Sir," observed Claudius, encouraged to speak 
by the manner of the doctor ; " it looks like some great man's 

h2 



148 THE RAMBLES OF 

writing, I fancy, Sir, if I may be allowed to say so much, and 
it was for that reason I took it. The messenger, Sir, ap- 
peared in a wondrous hurry ; his horse looked uncommonly 
distressed, and the moment he had delivered the letter into 
my hand, — about one hundred yards from the house, Sir, — 
he turned tail, and galloped out of sight in an instant almost, 
merely saying he had to go twenty miles in another direction, 
and, as he was pressed for time, he was glad he had hit upon 
one of his worship's servants." 

" Indeed !" responded the doctor, who had listened with 
more than ordinary patience to Claudius ; " 'tis very singu- 
lar. Let us see, — let us see," he continued, as he tore the 
letter open, and read, half audibly, "'To the Rev. Dr.Tithe- 
um, Magistrate of the County of Hants. 5 — Ah ! What can 
this mean ? Some business of importance, no doubt ! You 
may go," he observed to Claudius ; " but, no, no," he added, 
in the same breath, as Claudius moved towards the door, 
"stay, stay, child;" and again he commenced reading. 
"' Reverend and Worshipful Sir/ — Um ! How was the mes- 
senger dressed ?" he enquired. " Did he wear livery ?" 

"I think he did, Sir," replied Claudius. 

" You think," responded the doctor. " Do you only think ? 
Cannot you be certain ?" 

"Yes, Sir," said Claudius; "that is, I am sure he did." 

"He did wear livery, — eh?" repeated his reverence. 

" O yes, Sir, I am quite positive of it now," rejoined 
Claudius ; " a handsome one, now I remember. It was a 
good deal like the one which I wear, Sir." 

"Was it so?" said the doctor, swallowing the double 
compliment, for he felt it a compliment to have a handsomely 
dressed livery servant despatched to him with a letter ; and to 
hear that which his own servant wore so called, — although 
by the servant himself, — was not less so. 

Of all the evidences of a little or degraded mind that men 
display, few, if any, exceed the greediness with which flattery 
is received. From whatever quarter it may proceed, in 
whatever measure or " questionable shape" bestowed, it is 
equally swallowed, and never appears indigestible; nay, 
even when the opinion of the person who may " pour it on" 
would on all other subjects be held as mean and despicable, 
on this' he is not merely tolerated, but held as an oracle. 
Like intoxicating fluids, the more it is received the more it 
fires the receiver for a fresh supply. Like the grave, the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 149 

soul of the lover of flattery is never satisfied with its grabage- 
like food, for, with the thirsty horse-leech, it continues to 
cry — Give. 

How true, and yet how humiliating are the well-known 
lines of the venerable Home : — 

" Flattery direct 
Seldom disgusts. They little know mankind 
Who doubt its operation. 'Tis the key 
That opes the wicket of the human heart." 

The doctor drank of the fetid stream with uncommon zest 
and relish ; and, having smiled his gracious approval of 
Claudius's reply, proceeded to finish' the reading of the letter. 
'* So, so/' he observed, having concluded it, his eyes the 
meanwhile sparkling with unwonted fire, and his breast 
swelling with elation, " this must be seen to. An affair of 
more than ordinary importance, — Umph ! ( Long standing, 
— great learning, — legal acumen/ — good, good," he half 
muttered to himself, still looking over the letter. " I shall 
want the carriage early in the morning, Claudius," observed 
the doctor, " and you must — " 

"The carriage, Sir ?" interrupted Claudius. 
" Yes, the carriage," rejoined his reverence. " Speak I 
not plain ?" 

"Your worship forgets," replied Claudius, "it was taken 
to be fresh painted some days since." 

" Oh, ah ! — right, right. I had forgotten that, indeed," 
returned the doctor. "Well, no matter, — the roads are 
good, and the business is important ; the journey can be 
performed in the saddle. Let my horse be ready by six 
o'clock in the morning at the latest, and be you in attend- 
ance in your best livery ; you must ride with me. Hasten 
to Joseph immediately, and desire him to see the horse's 
shoes are all in good order ; give my top boots an extra po- 
lish, — and let Sally see that a change of linen is in readiness 
and well aired ; and,— there, see all is done as I have 
ordered." 

" I will, Sir," replied Claudius ; and with as much plea- 
sure and gratification at the success of his scheme as a minis- 
ter would feel who had succeeded in some diplomatic arrange- 
ment on which the peace of nations and the lives of thou- 
sands depended, he ran to perform the commands of his 
master, and prepare for the delightful excursion he was about 
to take. 



150 THE RAMBLES OF 

All in and about the parsonage became instant bustle, as 
if its inhabitants were making preparations to defend the 
venerable edifice from the assaults of a foe, or to preserve to 
themselves its possession from the grasp of its original own- 
ers, who had returned from their disturbed quiet in the grave 
to give it back again to those to whom it righteously be- 
longed by right of bequest. 

It was six o'clock when the doctor read the letter, and 
therefore, as he determined to start at six the next morning, 
and wished to attend the convocation of his brethren in the 
commission of the peace in such style of appearance as should 
bring no reflection on his present distinguished popularity, 
it was indispensable that all engaged in his establishment 
should be on the alert. 

As soon as Claudius had gone to attend to his orders, the 
doctor sought Georgiana, and informed her that business of 
the utmost consequence required his attendance at Chichester 
on the following day, where it was possible he might be de- 
tained a day or two ; she would therefore not feel uneasy re- 
specting him, although his absence should be extended even 
to three days. 

Georgiana, in the true spirit of her sex, felt a sudden irrepress- 
ible degree of curiosity possess her to know what could pos- 
sibly call her papa so suddenly from home. 

" Your departure is very sudden, papa," she observed. 

"Why, it is rather so, my dear/' returned the doctor; 
" but we who are in the commission of the peace never feel 
surprised by such things. We hold ourselves in preparation 
for a moment's call/' 

" Is it very important business, papa ? " enquired his 
daughter. 

" Very important, my love," returned the rector; "every 
thing connected with the — that is —it is — as I said, dear — it 
is very particular business." 

" I wish I could ride with you," observed Georgiana, coax- 
ingly, " I should so much enjoy it." 

" That is impossible, love," returned the doctor. 

" Impossible, papa !" reiterated Georgiana, 

" Yes, it is quite impossible, I assure you," rejoined her 
father. 

" And why is it so very impossible ?" asked the daughter. 

" Because the business, love, is to be kept a perfect secret — 
that is — ," said the doctor, checking himself, and stammer- 
ing for a reply, — "because, my dear, for certain reasons — ■" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 151 

The confused and hesitating manner of the rector gave a 
deeper tinge of mystery to the subject in the romantic mind 
of Georgiana, and she felt the keen edge of her curiosity 
sharpened to become acquainted with the secret, in propor- 
tion as concealment appeared to bang about it. 

" Well really, now, papa," she continued, " you have pro- 
mised me an excursion for several months, and tbis is just 
such a one as I should like to take/' 

" Well, but I tell you/' replied the doctor, " it is impos- 
sible at this time. You know, my dear, the carriage is not 
at home. 5 ' 

" I know that, papa," continued the unbending girl, win- 
ningly ; " but I can ride in the saddle, you know. Is the 
business of an ecclesiastical or legal nature ? — Oh, I guess it, 
now/' she added. " Ah, it must be a great secret j but it 
will soon be known. I suppose you are going to marry Sir 
Marmaduke and Miss Fidget ?" 

" Marry who ?" ejaculated the doctor, starting. 

" Sir Marmaduke Varney and Miss Fidget," returned 
Georgiana; — " Now is not that it ?" 

" No, love ; I assure you, you are entirely wrong in your 
conjecture," said her papa, — " I am not going on any busi- 
ness of the kind ; — indeed I am not, Georgie," continued 
the doctor, as he patted her playfully and fondly on the 
cheek ; " it is an affair of much more importance." 

" What ! of more importance than marriage, papa ?" ex- 
claimed Georgiana ; " why, I always understood that was the 
most important thing in the world." 

" So it is, my dear," returned the rector ; " I did not 
mean exactly so ; but we who are in the commission of the 
peace have good reasons for being secret sometimes — all we 
do, love, it would not be proper to make known ; my long 
standing in the commission of the peace, and extensive legal 
knowledge, render my presence essential on important occa- 
sions, such as, — but don't cherish a spirit of curiosity, my 
dear," added the doctor gravely, again checking himself, " it 
is not becoming in a young lady." 

" I am sure, papa," returned Miss Georgiana, " you can- 
not say that I am particularly curious ; I merely asked for 
the purpose of — of knowing, that was all." 

" Your method of freeing yourself from the charge of cu- 
riosity," returned the doctor, " is, certainly, any thing but 
conclusive, Georgie; — well, well, I will accept it; and I 



152 THE RAMBLES OF 

now promise that, on my return from Chichester, you shall 
have the long-promised excursion to Brighton, or Bath, or 
some other fashionable resort. Now be sure, Georgie," he 
continued, " while I am away, you look well to the concerns 
of my establishment — keep the servants all at their posts, — 
if any visitor should call, — not at home, remember, — if any 
tithes are brought (and I hope some will be paid), receive 
them, and say I will send receipts when I return ; — and, do 
you mind me, Georgie, if Sir Marmaduke should call, why 
— be yourself ; — if he wishes you to touch your instrument, 
do so ; or to sing the last new vaudeville you received from 
London, meet his wishes, and be agreeable. I need not say, 
remember you are my daughter — 

" Sole heiress of my house and heart.'' 

" I shall not forget it," replied Georgiana, half vexed that, 
with all her pressing, she could not dive into the mystery 
which appeared connected with her father's visit to Chi- 
chester. 

" I hope you never will/' returned the fond father to his 
daughter's reply ; " and let the recollection," he added, as ho 
kissed her affectionately, with rising dignity of feeling, " of 
the high character of those from whom you sprung, act as an 
amulet to you on all important occasions. Go now and see 
all is got in readiness, and properly arranged, for my depar- 
ture." 

Georgiana returned her father's fond salute, and withdrew. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

lt Now fairly in saddle, away they ride, 
Like the Knight and his 'squire of old ; 
Whose marvellous deeds and mishaps beside 
Don Cervantes has bravely told. 

Right onwards they press'd with hearty good will ; 

Now fast, — and now more at leisure : 
The master rode after a phantom still, 

The servant he follow'd for pleasure." 

Metkical Records-. 

The beautiful and glowing month of June was hasting fast 
to its close ; and hence the summer solstice had fully set in, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 153 

when Dr. Titheum's hasty visit to Chichester was to be un- 
dertaken. The hours of day were extended to their utmost 
space ; night could scarcely be said to exist, for the crepus- 
culum, or twilight, continued from the setting of the sun until 
the glorious regent of day arose like a strong man to resume 
his bright and beneficial race. All nature seemed redolent 
with sweets and beauty, while every sense of man was re- 
galed. The very air which was breathed through the val- 
leys, and kissed the mountain tops, was pregnant with salu- 
brity, as if scented with the delicious odours which arose 
from thousands of wild flowers, and hedgerow fragrance ; or 
from rich and beautiful parterres that adorned the useful 
plots attached to the cottages of the peasantry, or orna- 
mented the more stately mansions of the wealthy. 

In every direction the eye was gratified with scenes of trans- 
cendent loveliness. The ear was regaled by sounds of al- 
most unearthly cadence, while the sense of smell was met by 
sweets which contained invigorative properties. The entire 
man felt the unutterable and almost magic power which 
such sights and sounds contained, and in which his whole 
nature revelled in high delight. 

Such was the season of the year, and such the glowing 
loveliness of the day referred to. The sun was already gild- 
ing with its radiant brightness the heavens above and the 
earth beneath : all nature seemed attuned to harmony and 
praise, and with inarticulate expressiveness called upon the 
most noble and most favoured, but most ungrateful of God's 
creation, — Man ! to join in the universal anthem which was 
ascending from every grade of being to the uncreated throne 
of Him whose name is excellent in all the earth. 

As six o'clock tolled in the tower of the church, the horses 
which were to convey the doctor and Claudius to the expected 
scene of more than ordinary importance, were led to the front 
of the parsonage by Joseph and our hero ; and in two minutes 
after the reverend magistrate appeared, equipped at all points 
for his journey. 

" Is all right ?" enquired the doctor. 

" Yes, Sir/' replied Claudius. 

" You have looked at the mare's shoes, have you, Joseph?'' 
asked his worship. 

" Yes, yes," responded the coachman. " Will Horsenail 
was here last night and examined both on'em. Your mare, 
Sir, wanted a near fore shoe ; and Mayflower, what Claudo is 



154 THE RAMBLES OF 

£oing to cross, had cast both hind'uns ; but Will did the bu- 
siness, and see'd all the others was right." 

" Very well," observed the doctor, " and you gave them 
a good feed this morning by five, did you ?" 

" At half-past four, Sir," replied Joseph, " they had it ; 
and I'll warrant they'll do now for some hours. A mouth- 
ful of hay and a wash would carry them half through, at 
least." 

" I shall see, I shall see," rejoined the doctor ; and added, 
to Claudius, "We have a long ride before us, and must 
push hard to accomplish it in time for my business this even- 
ing. Where is my whip, Joseph ?" 

" Here, Sir," replied Coachee, handing the instrument of 
punishment. 

The doctor mounted the horse-block which stood at the 
side of the gate, and from thence seated himself in the saddle ; 
while Claudius vaulted into his with the agility of a horse- 
dragoon. At this moment Georgiana appeared at her win- 
dow, from which she waved her handkerchief to the doctor 
as he put his horse on a canter ; while the cook, peeping out 
at the door, saluted pur hero. 

" A pleasant day to you !" observed Joseph to Claudius. 

" Thank you," returned the delighted livery servant, — 
" Be sure you take care of yourselves. I don't doubt I 
shall be all right ;" and kissing his hand right gallantly to 
the cook, he gave the reins to Mayflower, and followed his 
master. 

The doctor had determined to push on as far as Titchneld, 
and there take breakfast, in order that he might be able to 
refresh himself and horse an hour or two at that place, and 
travel leisurely during the heat of the day. Keeping this 
purpose in view, he passed over the ground at as rapid a rate 
as if he had been the plenipotentiary of some mighty one of 
the earth. The travellers had not proceeded more than ten 
miles through the forest, before an unexpected circumstance 
occurred which had wellnigh changed their route, and stop- 
ped the doctor's progress altogether. 

It has already been noticed that the doctor was a lover of 
the sports of the field ; — he knew no reason, and frequently 
exercised his logical powers to prove there was none, — why a 
gentleman, whose profession happened to be of clerical cha- 
racter, should not enjoy himself in a cheerful hunt as well as 
a lawyer, physician, or statesman. The horse which the doc- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 155 

tor rode was as great a lover of a day's good run as his mas- 
ter — the sound of the horn, or the echoing " hal]oo \" was as 
inspiring to the noble beast as the martial drum and the rat- 
tling of the spear were to Job's inimitably described war- 
horse. 

The equestrians were pursuing the even tenour of their 
way— the doctor dreaming over the glory he should on that 
day acquire, and the loud plaudits which would be poured 
upon him by his compeers in the commission of the peace; 
and Claudius felicitating himself upon the success of his 
stratagem, and laughing in his sleeve at the singular disap- 
pointment his master would meet with on his arrival at Chi- 
chester, when suddenly, " Halloo, halloo I" rang through the 
forest, and in the next instant, the scarlet livery of the god- 
dess of the chase blazed in the distance, and half a score 
huntsmen, surrounded by a pack of hounds, dashed across 
the road in full cry, after a hard pressed fox. The high blood 
of the animal which the doctor bestrode, appeared to course 
its veins with increased rapidity; — he snorted significantly, 
pricked up his ears, and, despite of bit or bridle, turned sud- 
denly aside to mingle with his fellows in the sport. 

A hedge of some six feet high, which surrounded an in- 
closed spot from the forest, interposed betwixt the doctor and 
the hunters ; but this barrier availed nothing to stay the im- 
petuous career of this high-mettled courser — he cleared it 
with as much ease as the hunted chamois leaps the craggy 
projections of their own native wilds. 

The doctor, although entirely unprepared for such a sud- 
den elevation, maintained his seat like a good horseman — 
neither did his head turn giddy, as some persons' have done 
by an unlooked for rise ; — no, steady and calm as when on 
even ground, the practised sportsman passed the prickly 
barrier. 

" Let not those who are leaping boast like those who have 
taken the leap," is sage advice ; applying, however, not only 
to a sporting leap, but to leaps of a more serious and import- 
ant kind. But as this fly of the doctor's was bona fide of the 
nolens order, he cannot bear blame for not taking and acting 
upon the above counsel. 

On the opposite side of the hedge from that on which his 
reverence was just before riding quietly, was an excavation of 
nearly three feet deep, into which the land-springs from a 
large tract of ground drained during the wet season, and 



156 THE RAMBLES OF 

which still contained a few inches in depth of water. No 
calculation having been made for such a descent, the shock 
was tremendous ; and before Ithurea had obtained firm foot- 
ing, the doctor was shot over her head, and lay as if taking 
a few minutes' rest in the soft clay and water. 

At the moment this unexpected leap was performed, the 
doctor was about twenty yards in the advance of Claudius ; 
and having turned an abrupt angle of the road, his flight over 
the hedge was not perceived by our hero ; so that when he 
reached the angle referred to, his astonishment exceeded all 
expression, as no trace of his master existed. He reined in 
his horse as quickly as possible, without knowing how to act. 
To return home without the doctor, and especially without 
being able to give any account of what had become of him, 
was an awkward thing. To make a simple statement of the 
affair as it stood, would subject him to be laughed at for a 
fool, or expose him to the dark suspicion of having murdered 
and buried his master. 

He began to reason on the possibility of his master's hav- 
ing returned ; but that idea was soon abandoned, as in that 
case he must have seen him. That he could have passed 
over the long and straight piece of road which now lay before 
him, was impossible — had the earth taken him in, or had 
some attractive influence taken him up, — neither thought 
came within the range of probability. 

After a short period of perplexing rumination, he heard, or 
imagined he heard, a voice like the doctor's, calling him by 
name, — " Here, Claudius, Claudius, I say ! — Make haste and 
assist me, or I shall be drowned, or smothered in this mud 
and water I" 

Claudius might almost have supposed himself the play- 
thing and sport of some wicked necromancer ; — he rubbed 
his eyes and pinched his cheeks, to ascertain fully if he was 
really awake, and whether the whole might not be a freak of 
Queen Mab. 

" Claudius, Claudius !" was again shouted lustily by the 
doctor. 

" Where are you, Sir ?" enquired the called one. 

" I am here," returned his reverence, — " here in the clay- 
pit, over the hedge." 

" Over the hedge," thought Claudius, " and in the clay- 
pit ! — why, how in the name of wonder came you there r" 

As this thought ran through his head, Claudius walked his 



mm? 


1 


If 


1 HI 4 Jtfk * I 


f.) 








CAPTAIN BOLIO. 157 

horse in the direction the voice came from, and approached 
as near the hedge as possible. He presently beheld part of 
the doctor's person, and at a short distance saw his canoni- 
cal castor floating like a pitch-kettle upon the pool. At the 
distance of a few yards he discovered a gate, and making to 
it, he soon gained an entrance into the enclosed ground ; and 
in five minutes' time, with the assistance of a gentleman of 
the hunt, who had seen the accident and turned back to 
afford his aid, succeeded in pulling the doctor from his place 
of repose, and regaining the hat from its aquatic excursion. 

The bedizened figure of the reverend gentleman provoked 
the laughter both of Claudius and the huntsman ; while the 
doctor himself, finding that the only injury he had sustained 
consisted in his being soused in the water, and imbedded in 
the mud, joined with them in a good-tempered " ha ! ha ! ha!" 

Ithurea had behaved in the most uncourteous and unlady- 
like manner ; for instead of staying to enquire if her master 
felt comfortable in his situation, or was disposed to follow the 
fox, she pushed on in pursuit of the baying pack. Her sin- 
gular appearance, however, soon attracted the notice of one 
of the hunters, who, supposing some one had been unhorsed 
by accident, directed his servant to arrest the fugitive ; which, 
on being so effected, she was led back to the point from whence 
she had been seen to come, as it was considered highly pro- 
bable her owner might be in that direction. 

Claudius proceeded to scrape some of the mud from the 
doctor's dress, and by the time he had accomplished his task 
Ithurea came in sight ; and at the end of almost twenty mi- 
nutes from the time of her forsaking her master, she was 
again bearing him onwards ; and with as much speed as they 
could command the rector and his servant pushed towards a 
road-side inn near Brockenhurst. 

In all circumstances of calamity or mishap, every disposed 
person may find certain points of alleviation by which to 
solace himself, and escape the unalloyed severity of the 
event ; and where none other can be discovered, the common- 
place one, at least, may be found, namely, " it might have 
been worse ;" and even this, simple as it may seem, and 
however much the derision of the fastidious may be poured 
upon it, savours not a little of philosophic wisdom : for it 
may be maintained as sound philosophy, that whatever in- 
nocent means can be resorted to, to ease or allay the suffer- 
ings of the body, or the pangs of the mind, have claims upon 



158 THE RAMBLES OF 

the attention of the wise, while only such as are destitute of 
the wisdom of which they proudly boast, would treat them 
with contumely, or reject them with disdain. The stanza of 
One of the olden times'' is true : — 

" However brave and wise the man may be 

Who bears, unmurmuring, sickness, bondage, pain! 
He lays just claim to sound philosophy 
Who uses means deliverance to obtain.'* 

Our reverend hero's case did unquestionably admit of all 
the benefit which could arise from the consideration that, 
" bad as his condition was, it might have been worse." It 
would certainly have been considerably more unpleasant if a 
leg, or an arm, or the neck of his worship had been broken ; 
or had the somerset been taken during the period when — 

" Winter 
Chills the pale morn, and bids his driving sleets 
Deform the day delightless." 

It would have been much more uncomfortable to his person, 
and less good for his health; but beside these considerations, 
one other, not less important, so far as feeling was concerned, 
existed in the circumstance that the road over which the doc- 
tor had to pass before he reached the inn was less frequented 
than either Cheapside or the Strand ; indeed, it was a chance 
if any thing, excepting a stage coach, a common cart, or a 
waggon, was met with ; had it been otherwise, the appear- 
ance of the plump, bedaubed rector, would have supplied 
matter for jest, jibe, and merriment, little less than that 
which is placed to the account of the celebrated Johnny Gil- 
pin, when he rode against time, to and from Edmonton. 

Every inn has its wag, either in host or waiter, and it is 
only necessary to ascertain in what channel the vein of their 
humour runs, to be furnished with as fair a specimen of racy 
wit, although in humble life, as ever Sheridan or Foote dis- 
played. Two such souls resided at the "house of entertain- 
ment for man and horse" at which the doctor and his servant 
put up, alias, where they got down. 

The moment our travellers appeared before the door of the 
said inn, Timothy Trump, waiter, hostler, boots, &c, with a 
species of instinct peculiar to his calling, ran from the stable 
yard to wait upon the visitors. Tim's long matted hair, 
whichjooked like an uncoiled ball of red oakum, was stroked 
on one side of his pimpled forehead, and terminated in what 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 159 

was meant to represent a curl ; but, unfortunately, the curry- 
comb, which he had employed as a substitute for an appen- 
dage to the toilette, had performed its office so vilely as to 
give to Timothy's carroty- coloured wig the appearance of a 
basilisk twining about his temples. Putting his hand to 
the place which was intended as the resting place for a hat, 
but which was seldom so much honoured as to bear one, he 
inquired, " What may ye plase to vant, gemmen ?" 

" I want the hostler/' replied the doctor. " Are you he ?" 

"Yes, Zur, I be's the orsler," replied the waiting man, 
"at your sarvice, Zur.'' 

" Take my horse then, my lad," said the doctor, dismount- 
ing, as Claudius, who had vacated his saddle, held Ithurea's 
head ; " take my horse, and mind you put her into a warm 
stable." 

"Yes, Zur/' returned the hostler. " You may rely upon 
Tim Trump for any thing as consarns orses ; and if you 
should want rubbing down arter Pze done the orses, I'm 
your sarvant, Zur," added Mr. Trump, looking at the doc- 
tor's soiled dress, and winking archly at Claudius as he led 
the horses into the stable yard. 

As the doctor entered the inn door, he was met by the 
happy-faced hostess, who, eyeing his canonical covering, 
without perceiving his bespattered condition, dropped a 
low curtsy, and shrewdly guessing that he was in the com- 
mission of the peace, as several of the respectable, alias con- 
sequential reverends in the neighbourhood were, and fearing 
too that a screw might be loose in the healthy existence of 
her establishment, she put her mouth into the best possible 
position, and enquired, " Will your reverence please to walk 
into the parlour ?" 

"Yes, my good woman," replied the doctor; and as he so 
said, followed her guidance. 

" Mercy on me!" exclaimed the hostess, as she looked 
upon the doctor when he entered the room, " Why, I declare 
Sir, you are nothing but a lump of dirt, — and dripping wet 
too, as I live !" 

"You are nearly right," rejoined his reverence; "but 
where is your husband ?" he added. 

" My husband, your reverence r" reiterated the landlady. 

" Yes, woman 1" said the doctor, rather warmly. " Your 
husband ! You have a husband, — have you not ?" 



160 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Yes, Sir," answered the alarmed hostess, " I have a 
husband." 

" Well, I wish to see him," returned the doctor. " Go, 
and send him to me." 

" Why, what has he done now, Sir ?" enquired the wo- 
man, without attending to the rector's bidding, and in in- 
creasing alarm. 

"What has he done!" responded the doctor, pettishly; 
" why—" 

"Has he been poaching again, your worship?'* asked the 
landlady. 

" Poaching !" repeated the magistrate. "Why, does he 
then follow such illicit practices — eh ? is he then a poacher ?" 

" Oh, no, no, no, Sir !" replied Mistress Boniface, bright- 
ening up, as she perceived her fears were groundless, and 
that she was enlightening the mind of the ignorant on a sub- 
ject on which she wished ignorance should remain. " No, 
Sir, I assure you, nothing of the kind ; my husband, Sir, 
has too much respect for his superiors to attempt in any way 
to spoil their amusement by gratifying himself, and honours 
the laws, — I should have said the equitable and righteous laws 
of his country, to do any thing of the kind." 

" You speak like a sensible woman," replied the learned 
functionary. " It is right and good always, and in all things, 
to yield implicit obedience to the powers that be. We who 
are in the commission of the peace always enforce these 
things ; — but I thought, by your observations," continued 
the doctor, " that he had been one of those who defy all 
laws, and that he poached." 

" Oh, no, Sir," continued the hostess, " he does no such 
thing, as one may say, your reverence. Oh, no, your wor- 
ship ; you may depend upon my word and honour, — and 
that, as your reverence knows, is not a little to say. You may, 
I say, depend upon my word and honour that we are honest 
people, what gets our living by working hard ; only Sir, I did 
fear as how it was possible he might have been led astray." 

"Well, well, my good woman," observed the doctor, who 
began to lose his patience, " I wish you would be so kind as 
to lead or send him to me ; I want him particularly and im- 
mediately." 

" Oh yes, Sir," exclaimed the hostess, all fear of a com- 
mittal being taken from her mind, " I'll send him momently/' 
and, making another low curtsy, she disappeared. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. l6l 

" Claudius/' said the doctor, " where is my change of 
linen ?" 

" Here it is, your worship/' answered Claudius, handing 
him a neat leathern case, in which cravats, hose, a night-cap, 
&c, &c, were neatly packed. 

" Very good," replied the doctor, " that will do. Now, 
while I dress, go you to the stable, and see how the horses 
are disposed of, and take care they are rubbed down dry, so 
as to be ready in about an hour's time." 

Claudius made his obeisance, and did as directed. 

" I have met with an accident/' observed the rector, as 
Boniface entered the room. 

" I am sorry to hear it, Sir/' replied the landlord, with the 
politeness and suavity of his craft, when one who appears 
able to pay demands their attention. " Can we serve you 
here in any way ? — shall feel most happy and proud to wait 
upon you." 

As all hopes of getting to Titchfield to breakfast had faded 
from the doctor's mind, like the bright gloss from his silken 
hose, from one and the same cause, he considered it would 
best comport with propriety to yield unobjectively to unavoid- 
able necessity, and take his first repast where he was. Hav- 
ing so determined, he replied to the landlord's courteous in- 
terrogatory and polite declaration, " Can you oblige me with 
the loan of a suit of your clothes, while my own are being 
dried and brushed?" 

" Why, if your reverence wouldn't object to my cordu- 
roys and Sunday frock," replied the landlord, " they are at 
your service. A whiter, or a better frock, is not worn by any 
yeoman in the county." 

" Havn't you a coat, my friend ?" enquired the doctor. 

" Why, no, your reverence," returned Boniface, " that is 
a piece of finery I never aspired to ; and I rather fancy I 
should feel as awkward in such a thing as I should in your 
reverence's gown. Frocks are much more handy for our 
profession." 

"Well, well," replied the doctor, "your offer is a kind 
one, and I will accept it. Show me to a chamber, where I 
can make the change, and, while I am dressing, you can pre- 
pare me a good breakfast." 

" I'll see it shall be done, Sir," replied the landlord ; and, 
leading the way to an attiring room, the offered dress was 
soon furnished, and, after a little puffing and blowing, the 



162 THE RAMBLES OP 

doctor succeeded in getting fairly into the homely costume 
of the tapster of the inn. The metamorphosis of the rector 
was singular as it was sudden ; while the transformation was so 
unique, that a stranger to mine host might have been for- 
given the offence of mistaking the ordained minister for a 
licensed victualler. There was only one particular in which 
his newly donned habit challenged remark, and that was, — as 
the Welshman said of the marine's jacket, — " it fitted him too 
much ;" in plain English, it was too large for him. The 
landlord was about six inches taller than the divine, and bore 
" a fair round paunch/' which was not unfrequently " with 
venison lined," equal in girth to his Patagonian stature, 

As soon as the doctor had completed his change of dress, 
his own clothes were given into the charge of the landlady, 
by whom they were in a short time placed before a blazing 
kitchen fire, and his reverence took possession of the parlour. 

" I say," observed Timothy Trump to Claudius, as he en- 
tered the stable, " beant your measter a rum old codger ?" 

" Why do you ask such a question ?" enquired Claudius. 

" Oh, as to the matter o' that," replied Tim, " I does many 
things, like my betters, without ony reason, as the saying is." 

"Well then," returned Claudius, "I, like many others, 
have no reason if I don't answer your question." 

" Be you that sort o' chap ?" enquired Tim, suddenly turn- 
ing from the horse he was rubbing down, and staring open- 
mouthed at Claudius, " W x hy, I'm blowed if you arn't a pair 
o' rum un's !" 

" Why so ?" demanded Claudius. 

"Vy so?" shouted Tim. "Ha! ha! ha! Vy, bekause 
as how, d'ye see, I never yet in all my bornd days knowed 
any sarvants what corned here what didn't feel mortally 
pleased to speak a bit o' their minds consarning their meas- 
ters. Vy, bless you, I knows the characters of all the rich 
uns as ever called here ever since I became orsler ; you are 
the only conception to this ere rule. Now, it decurs to me 
that I guess the reason o' the cause of this." 

" Do you ?" replied Claudius. "Perhaps you will favour 
me with your guess ? I shall be better able than yourself to 
judge if it be correct or not." 

" To be sure I will," replied Tim. " I never cares the 
vally of the jingle of a tanner on a tombstone who knows 
what I thinks. I thinks then, as how you thinks as how I 
does n't know how to keep a secret. — Whew ! Arn't I right 
now, — eh, young man?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 163 

" Not exactly so," returned Claudius. 

" Well, now that is perticilarly odd," continued Tim ; " I 
never was wrong afore. And so, I 'spose you think as how T I 
can't tell then. Ha! ha! ha! Bless your heart, J knows 
what you thinks." 

"Indeed!" returned Claudius. "I feel certain you 
don't." 

" I'll wage you a quart on't, and down with the browns, 
There," continued the hostler, " one, two, three, and a mag," 
as he counted out the money, and laid it on the window sill. 
"That's for a quart o' the best. Dares' take me ?" 

" Yes, answered Claudius, " I do dare ;" and counting 
out an equal sum, he placed it by the side of Tim's. 

"Well then," said the knight of the stable, " you thinks as 
how I can't tell you what you thinks. Arn't I right, my lad, 
—eh? Ha! ha! ha!" 

Claudius felt himself outwitted, and at once replied, " You 
have won the wager, although rather craftily. Let us have 
the beer." 

" I'll fetch the heavy in a moment," said Tim ; and off he 
ran with Claudius's pence, and soon returned with a pot of 
home-brewed. 

"There's a head for you," observed Tim. "Arn't it a 
complete kolly flower ? Here's to our better acquaintance," 
he added, as he blew the froth aside, and put the earthen jug 
to his mouth, and having swallowed half the quart, he handed 
it to Claudius, observing, as he smacked his lips, "That's 
fine stuff! — never tasted mother's milk half so good ! I could 
drink that ere stuff until all's blue, and never say I was 
tired." 

A loud ringing of the bell cut short Timothy's loquacity, 
and he ran to attend it. " I'll be back in a pig's whistle," 
he observed," as he left the door ; " you enjoy yourself." 

The doctor had seated himself in a roomy arm-chair in 
the best parlour, and was busily engaged reading the morn- 
ing paper, when Timothy entered with the breakfast tray, 
for the purpose of making arrangements for the rector's first 
meal. 

Mistaking the divine for his master, from the dress which 
he wore, he started with surprise at seeing him so seated, and 
in his Sunday clothes. " I zay, measter," he observed, 
" that old chap's a rum un which has corned here this morn- 
ing ; and so for that ere matter is his livery sarvant in the 



164 THE RAMBLES OF 

stable there. I'm blowed if I can pump any think out o' him, 
he's as close as an oshter ; I'm blowed if he an't." 

This eloquent and elegant address was delivered by Timo- 
thy while engaged in the adjustment of the breakfast ser- 
vice; but as the doctor was busily engaged with a paragraph 
in which the extent of the power of the magistracy was laid 
down, with certain illustrations and exposes of magisterial 
ignorance and misrule, he paid no more attention to Tim's 
harangue than he would have done to the sneezing of a cat, 
until the stable was mentioned, and the term "blowed" 
grated upon his ear ; when, supposing that something had 
happened to his favourite horse, Ithurea, he started from be- 
hind the large dotted screen he had been perusing. " Eh ! 
what is that you say ?" exclaimed his reverence. " My horse 
blowed ! Did you say so ? Then you have given her too 
much water ; and I am not in the commission of the peace 
if I don't punish you for the act." 

" Who are you ?" enquired Tim, putting himself into a 
pugilistic attitude, as he supposed the threat he had just 
listened to implied a contemplated attack. u Let me tell you, 
my codger, that Timothy Trump has had too many brushes 
of that ere sort with some rum uns to be frightened by 
you." 

"What have you done to my horse?" exclaimed the 
doctor. 

" Your orse !" echoed Tim. " I knows nothing consarn- 
ing your orse ; did n't know you had one, — I am blowed it 
I did." 

" You impertinent scoundrel 1" roared the doctor, waxing 
wrath at what he supposed to be the hostler's insolence." 

" No, I arn't nothing o' the sort," retorted Tim, placing 
his arms a-kimbo. 

" Did I not direct you, scarcely ten minutes since," con- 
tinued the rector, " to be sure and put my horse into a warm 
stable ?" 

" What, you ?" shouted Tim. " You tell me ? I'm blowed 
if you arn't mad, — right down cracked in the knob ! Why, I 
never seed you till this ere blessed moment ; and if you 
don't tramp, you'll soon be pitched out o' the vinder with a 
dung fork for an imposterer, when the gemman comes, he 
for what this ere breakfast is for, — mind that now." 

The doctor had forgotten ths change which his masque- 
rade dress had made in his personal appearance ; had he at 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 165 

this moment beheld his own well-known and well-beloved 
figure in a mirror, it is ten to one that he would have ques- 
tioned his own identity, or at least have mistaken it as much 
as Timothy Trump. " Here, landlord ! landlord !" shouted 
his reverence, ringing the bell violently at the same time, and 
almost frantic with vexation. 

" Oh ! you may baw] till your lungs burst, and you will/' 
observed Timothy, with the calmness of a stoic ; " measter 
will take my side, I knows. Here, measter !" shouted Tim, 
at the top of his voice, and with nearly as unpleasant an in- 
tonation as an Italian opera singer, " Here, measter, I'zejust 
been telling this ere feller to vacanate this ere place, as the 
gemman up stairs is a coming to go to breakfast, and I'm 
Mowed if he isn't going to pitch into me for't." 

" Landlord 1" cried the doctor, f do you patronize the in- 
solence of your servants in this way towards your cus- 
tomers ?" 

" By no means, Sir," replied he of the inn ; " but I fancy 
honest Tim is taking your part against yourself." 

" There now," said Tim ; " hear that ere, — onest Tim !" 

" Taking my part against myself ! " exclaimed the doctor, 
with emphasis, " Why, what in the world do you mean ?" 

u Why, thus it is, your worship," rejoined my host ; " he 
does not recollect you in your change of dress, and suppos- 
ing you are still up stairs, he imagines that you, as a stranger, 
are taking possession of a place which another should fill." 

Tim's face elongated some inches out of its oval form as 
he heard his master's explanation, and observed, aside, " I'm 
blowed now if I arn't put my foot into it preciously." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha!" laughed the doctor, turning to a mirror, 
which hung behind him. " No doubt it is so." 

" Yes, Zur," returned Tim, scratching his head, H it is a 
Bible truth that 1 took you for another parson, and I don't 
like to see any one choused out o' their grub." 

" Did you so ?" rejoined the divine, mistaking Tim's pro- 
nunciation. " Then parsons do visit your house in disguise, 
do they ?" 

Tim's waggishness tempted him to play upon the term 
which his reverence had mistaken, and he replied, " No, bless 
your heart, Zur, they never comes in disguise, not they ; but 
they gets tarnationly disguised before they leaves, I assure 
you. Why, I has more trouble with them ere parsons, — no 
offence to you, your reverence, — nor I has with all our cus- 



166 THE RAMBLES OF 

timbers asides ; they gets so rumbustical like, when they 
gets a few bottles o' wine in their skins, — but I, — " 

" Well, well," interrupted the doctor, " I wish to hear no 
more. It is a bad thing to speak ill of any one." 

" Nay, Zur," observed Tim, " as for that matter I never 
speaks no ill o' any one ; all I does is to say what hexactly 
takes place like. If it wor ill, I 'spose them ere gentlemen 
parsons wouldn't do it." 

" I say again," cried the doctor, " I wish to hear no more. 
Go and attend to my horses ; I shall want them in an hour, 
and tell my servant to go into the kitchen and get some re- 
freshment." 

" I will, Zur," said Tim ; and he hasted to perform the 
task assigned him; while the divine set about discussing 
sundry cups of coffee, a plate-full of toast, three or four 
eggs, and afew slices off a sirloin. 

"Ha! ha! ha!" burst forth Tim, as he re-entered the 
stable, making as many contortions of face and body as if he 
had swallowed a quantity of laughing gas. 

" What's amiss now ?" enquired Claudius. 

"What's a— ha! ha! ha !" roared Tim again. "What's 
amiss — ha ! ha ! ha ! I'm bio wed if ever I seed sich a rum 
feller as that ere measter o' yours in all my born day ; that's 
for a sartin, — ha ! ha ! ha ! He's a reg'iar rum un ; he ort 
to be dited for making people kill themselves of larfin, 
—I'm blowed if he don't." 

" Why, what has taken place ?" asked Claudius. 

"What has taken place !" shouted Tim. " Oh, my eyes ! 
only jest go and pop your ogles in at the vinder yonder, and 
if you don't die o' larfin, say my name arn't Timothy Trump, 
that's all ;" and again he burst into an immoderate and con- 
vulsive fit of laughter. 

Claudius did as directed by Tim, but unfortunately at the 
very moment he had raised his head above the blind of the 
window, which reached half-way up the second pane of glass, 
the doctor's eyes were turned to the spot, and with a signi- 
ficant motion of the fore-finger of his right-hand, which 
Claudius could not misunderstand, and dare not disobey, he 
summoned our hero into his presence. 

" Have you seen the hostler, Claudius ?" enquired the 
rector. 

"Yes, Sir," he replied, biting his lips until the blood nearly 
flowed from them, to suppress a laugh. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 167 

" And the horses," continued his reverence, cramming the 
beef into his mouth all the time he was speaking, " are they 
taken good care of, — eh?" 

"Yes, your worship," returned Claudius. 
"And have you had your breakfast yet?" asked the 
master. 

" No, Sir," answered our hero. 

"No !" exclaimed the doctor, suspending for a moment a 
fine slice of the sirloin between his masticators and his plate, 
upon the point of his fork, " No, did you say ?" Claudius 
repeated the expressive monosyllable. 

"And why not ?" asked his worship. " Did not that chat- 
tering fellow of a hostler deliver my message to you?" 
" No, Sir," replied Claudius, " I have not received any." 
" In half an hour we leave," continued the divine, " and 
when I shall require your attendance, you will be taking 
breakfast, I suppose. What were you doing at the window 
when I called you in just now ?" 

"At the window, Sir," repeated Claudius, the recollection 
of the hostler's description of his master rushing into his 
head, and provoking, almost beyond endurance, his propen- 
sity to laugh. " I was looking, Sir, — that is, — I was passing 
by, just to let your worship know that I had not been to 
breakfast." 

" Well, then, make haste now into the kitchen," said the 
doctor, "and when you have satisfied yourself let me see you 
again." 

Claudius felt glad at being so delivered, and hasted to leave 
the presence, and to pay his respects to the supplies the 
kitchen might afford. 

As he approached the domain of the cook, he heard a loud 
burst of laughter, which made the place echo, and in a mo- 
ment distinguished the tongue of the waggish Timothy 
Trump, who was describing to two or three important per- 
sonages, with infinite glee, the strange appearance of the doc- 
tor. As, however, Claudius felt more interested concerning 
the horses than Tim's wit, he turned into the stable to take 
another look at them. 

" I'm blow'd," said the Sir Oracle of the kitchen, " if you 
ever seed his feller ; he looks for all the world like one of 
them ere things which is stuck up in that ere place where 
they draws for lottery in Lunnun — Mister and Mistress Gogs 
I think they calls urn" 



163 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Ha! ha! ha!" roared the guests, tickled by Tim's gra- 
phic description. 

u Who is he ?" enquired one of the party. 

" Who is he ?" repeated Tim ; " why, he's a parson." 

" A parson !" echoed two or three voices. 

u Aye, that's sartin," said Tim ; " and more nor that I 
can tell, an I chuse" 

" Why, what more :" asked the first speaker. 

" Why, I thinks as how he's a gistis o' the peace," replied 
the ostler. 

" Whew — " went round the kitchen. 

" A justice !" exclaimed one ofthem, — " I must cry quits, 
then, or I may have to say nabs, — you understand ?" 

" Aye, aye," replied two or three others, " we under- 
stand." 

" What kind of a chap is this ere servant you speak of?" 
enquired the first spokesman. 

" Why, he's a good-looking young feller, what wears his 
master's clouts," replied Tim, " and they are bound about 
with yaller" 

" Do you know what he is called ?" asked the interrogator. 

** Not I," replied Timothy ; " and yet, now I recollects, I 
did hear some name as I tooked the orses ; it was something 
like, — I'm blow'd if I arn't clean forgot it." 

" Should you know it again, if you heard it?" enquired 
the man. 

" May be I should," replied Tim ; " but I can't swear to 
that." 

" Was it Claudius ?" asked the questioner. 

" Aye, that was it, as sure as a gun," cried Tim. 

" Ho! ho!" shouted one or two voices, — " Parson Titheum, 
by the rood." 

" The very same," cried the first speaker ; " the feller that 
was going to commit me for cotching rats in a barn ; only I 
doubled the constable — ha! ha ! ha! But I must be off — I 
wouldn't be seen by that young chap for a fist full of bobs. 
Find out, if you can, where they are going, and, perhaps, I 
may pay my respects to them for past services." 

" Aye, aye," said some mixed voices, " we'll do't. 

" Enough !" said Slipgibbet, for he it was — in company 
with some poachers ; and hasted away. 

" Hush !" said the cook, as she saw Claudius at the kitchen 
door ; " here comes the servant." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 169 

" Well, my fine fellow," said Tim, addressing himself to 
Claudius, " what thinks you now — ain't your measter a pre- 
cious rum-looking covey ?" 

" Stay until I have got my breakfast," said Claudius," and 
I may, perhaps, have time then to talk to you ;" and with as 
little ceremony as a stage-coachman feels when he steps from 
his box on a cold winter's night, and enters the bar of a house 
of call, where he is greeted by the smiles of an accommo- 
dating landlady, Claudius set too with a good appetite. 

While our hero continued to eat in silence, Timothy's love 
of good things appeared to gain zest by wagging his tongue 
as he emptied his mouth ; or even while that crater-like ori- 
fice was well filled. 

" I say," observed the hostler, " that was a clever trick 
what Frank Pullbottle played that ere bum baily, the other 
day, — wasn't it ?" 

" What was that ?" asked one of the party. 

" What r replied Tim, " why, ain't you heard it ?" 

" No," replied the fellow, " I havn't been home for a 
week, or more ; — I have been engaged, looking which way 
the wind blowed," and he placed the end of the thumb on 
his right hand to the top of his nose, and twisted his open 
fingers about like the vane of a weather-cock. " D'ye nick 
me?" 

" Yes, yes," replied some of the party, " we smells the 
scent ; but let's have the story, Tim." 

" Ha! ha! ha!" roared the facetious Trump, — " I never 
heard a better since Cain was a shoe-black. I glories in a 
chap like that ere Frank, what never allows himself to be 
frauded, without taliation, by them ere rascallons officers. 
Because a man ain't got no work, and, by reason of it, no 
money, why I'm blowed if it ain't a right down highway 
robbery to go and grab all what little matters he has, and 
turn his wife and little kids into the street." 

" So it is, Tim," replied the company ; " but we want to 
hear the story." 

"Oh! aye," replied Tim — "Well, Frank made Master 
Bum Baily sing 'Bob's a Dying,' — I'm blowed if he didn't, 
— ha! ha! ha! It makes one die o'laughin to think about it. 
D'ye see as how, it happened that Frank, — as hard a work- 
ing feller as ever tooked a shovel in hand, — had been out 
o'employ for the matter o' two or three weeks, and, by course, 
didn't get a mag from none. His wife had just brought him 



170 THE RAMBLES OF 

another kid, — and the poor here are asfortinate as the rich, — 
making in all six, and one had just died, which was seven. 
Well, he goes to the parish hofficer, — a feller with a art as 
hard as a smith's kanvil, — and axes him for something to 
keep his wife and kids from hactual starvation ; but I'm 
blowed if he'd notice him any furder than calling him a 
skulking feller; and says he, 'Why don't you go to work ?' 
— ' Why, acause I can't get no work to do,' says Frank. 
* Well, "then/ says this pretty rascal of an hqfficer, e if you 
don't work you must starve/ and then the infidel Backed his 
rascally obsarvations by a piece of the Bible. I'm blowed if I 
wouldn't transport the whole pack of 'em to Bottomby Bay, 
for as long as they lived, and a twelvemonth arter. But, as 
I was saying, it was of no sarvice to tell Frank to work, for 
he wouldn't have gone to ax for charity if he could have got 
work to do, — not he. Well, you know, a feller can't see his 
wife and pretty little kids starve before his eyes ; so he gets a 
little on tick, you see, and so gets behind a trifle — when, 
presently, a Bum Baily is popped into his crib, to seize his few 
traps for the vally of a few bobs. If you had seen the dis- 
tress (and even Tim shed a few tears as he told his unvar- 
nished tale), — but no matter," he continued, wiping the 
tear from his eye with his shirt sleeve, " Frank sarved the 
feller out ; — he was as hard-hearted a cove as Farer." 

"Pharaoh!" said the cook, who was considered by the 
other servants as a bit of a scholard. 

"Well, I said Farer" replied Tim, still retaining his own 
orthography in the pronunciation of the name ; don't put 
me out so; if you do, I shall never get to the end of this ere 
story. Well, as I was a saying, the neighbours pitied Frank's 
family, and took them all into their houses, while Mister Bum 
Baily takes possession of their room. The next day arter, 
Frank corned home from seeking o' work, and hearing how 
the cat jumped, he goes to Mister Bum Baily and civilly axed 
him to quit ; but I'm blowed if he'd budge a peg. ' Werry 
well/ says Frank, ' then stay, and bide consarquences, and 
I'll put all my property into this ere room, and so you'll have 
all on it under your own care ;' so with that he shuts the 
door arter him, and goes into his little garden, and there 
stands a fine hive o' bees, which he had nursed with the 
hopes of making something o' the 'oney. Well, down he 
takes um, and brings um to the house, and then, throwing 
up the vinder, he throws the hive, bees and all, smack into 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 171 

the room, and then pops down the vinder close again. My 
eyes, what a lark! Ha! ha! ha! I'm bio wed if the Bum 
Baily didn't roar like a bull what the dogs has pinned, while 
the bees stuck to him like wax. He didn't want axing to 
quit any more, for out he bolted, like a cat with her tail 
afire, kicking, and roaring, and fighting like mad ; his eyes 
were almost sowed up ; so, for the want of his Jioptics, he 
runned, without knowing where, and presently, in he 
plunged, neck and crop, into the y orse pond at the end o' the 
lane, where he plunged and spluttered, for all the world like 
a man mermaid, — that is, as I have heard, as I never by 
course seed one of them ere things. His kicking would 
soon been finished, but for Frank's good nater, who ran to 
his help, as he scorned, he said, to triumph over awankished 
henemy, and lugged him out." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared all the company. " And may all 
oppressors of the poor in the county be used in the same 
way." 

"'A right good wish," said Tim. "Arn't it, my young 
un ?" he added, addressing Claudius. 

" Capital ! capital !" answered our hero. " I detest oppres- 
sion in all its shapes, and like not to see any one injured, 
whether rich or poor/' and he again filled his mouth. 

" You seem to enjoy yourself with your breakfast," ob- 
served one of the party. 

cs Oh yes," replied Claudius, " a good appetite is better 
than rich sauce." 

" I 'spose you have rode a long way this morning ?" he 
continued. 

" Why, no, not a long way," replied Claudius, " but I 
like to lay in a good supply." 

" Right," resumed the man ; " that's wisely said. You 
have a long journey before you, I guess ?" 

" Tolerably well for that," said Claudius. "A -good and 
pleasant ride, such as I hope to enjoy." 

" Ah I" resumed the speaker, " as far as Titchfield per- 
haps ? or, may be, to Porchester ?" 

" Yes," said Claudius, " and a few miles beyond." 

" Indeed !" exclaimed the fellow. " To Cosham or 
Havant ?" 

Claudius shook his head, and observed, " not quite right 
yet." 

i2 



172 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Ah!" said the enquirer, "Well, I will e'en guess again, 
as I have gone so far. Is it so far as Emsworth ?" 

" Still at fault," replied Claudius. 

" Chichester !" exclaimed the man, " or I'll give it up." 

" You have it at last/' said our hero ; " and what are you 
the better for your knowledge ?" 

"Why, nothing that I knows of," replied the fellow, with 
assumed carelessness. "To me it can be of no consequence 
either which way or how far you are riding ; but you won't 
return to-night, I can guess that, without any mistake." 

"No," said Claudius, "nor to-morrow either it maybe. 
We shall at least remain one day." 

"Well, if you stay a week," returned the man, "it will 
make no difference; all will be right, I warrant you." 

" All will be right" echoed Claudius. " What do you 
mean ?" 

" Why I mean," said the fellow, " what I says. Don't 
you understand me ?" 

" Oh, yes," said Claudius ; " I understand. " The doctor, 
my master, pays all bills, and settles all accounts. Yes, yes, 
it will be all right ; we shall not starve, I dare say. But the 
clothes are dry, I see," he observed, turning towards the 
fire. 

" Aye, and brushed too," said the cook. " No one would 
guess now that your master had tumbled into the mud. He'll 
pay well, I hope. How does he bleed ?" 

" He'll pay you, no doubt," answered Claudius ; only 
don't blush to ask, or he may forget ; — you understand. But 
it is time that I pay my respects to the parlour, for in a little 
while we must be moving," and away he ran. 

The rector had finished his morning repast, and was again 
amusing himself with a " Chronicle of the times," as Clau- 
dius entered the parlour. " Are my clothes dry ?" enquired 
the doctor. 

" Yes, Sir," answered Claudius ; " they are dry, and well 
brushed too, — not a single spot so large as a pin's head can 
be found upon them." 

" Very good," rejoined the rector. "Now, go you and 
see the horses are prepared while I change my dress again, 
and then we must on with speed." 

Claudius bowed, and hasted to perform the commands of 
his master, while the divine, having directed that his " cus- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 173 

toraary suit of solemn black" should be taken up stairs, in a 
brief space followed, and at the end of about a dozen minutes 
Dr. Titheum was himself again. 

The bill of mine host having been discharged, — and he had 
with ready skill, well known and commonly practised by 
those of his occupation, made it a tolerably heavy one, — and 
the cormorant-like claims of the servants being met, our tra- 
vellers once more crossed their chargers, sounded, M hie for 
Chichester I" and were speedily out of sight of the dwellers 
at the inn. 

Leaving Claudius and his master to pursue their course, 
we shall, as in courtesy we are bound to do, turn to the man- 
sion of Lady Bolio. 



CHAP. XIV. 

■■ Alesco. I tell you, Marco, I Lave found out that 

For -which the world will hold my memory dear. 

Marco, Sayest thou ?— why then our fortune's made, that's clear. 
But, now propound, my master, what and how? 

Alesco. Well, 'tis to make a woman hold her tongue. 

Marco. Good, by the prophet's beard!— But how ? 

Alesco. Why, even thus ; 

Suffering the unyoked working of her spleen, 
Till the tir'd member can no longer wag." 

Taming a Tartar. 

In a preceding chapter we stated that the visit to Bath, 
which had been proposed to Claudius's mother, had been 
delayed in consequence of a relapse which Lady Bolio had 
experienced. At length, however, every thing like disease 
having passed away, leaving nothing behind except the mere 
languor resulting from debility, it was determined that im- 
mediate preparations should be made for the recommended 
excursion, and on the very day that Dr. Titheum took his 
cold bath, as already stated, Lady Bolio, ensconced in her 
warm carnage, accompanied by Dr. Leechum and his lady, 
left home, on a trip to Bath. 

If woman's weakness is exhibited in one particular more 
than another, it is, perhaps, in the inordinate attachment she 
feels for display. In this particular Lady Bolio was not a 



174 THE RAMBLES OF 

whit behind any of her sex. On the present occasion she 
felt anxious to make the " gude folk" of Bath, as well as all 
others into whose houses she might enter in her way thither, 
think of and treat her with all befitting respect. In ordei 
to secure such homage, her coachman and footman had been 
supplied with new liveries, her horses with new trappings, 
and her carriage with new decorations of paint and varnish. 
All was, therefore, new, at least in appearance, and Lady Bo- 
lio felt, if not quite happy, at least highly gratified at the 
thought of receiving a harvest of golden opinions from all 
sorts of people. 

The first place at which they halted was Blandford ; but 
here, while the shopkeepers looked inquisitively, and the ar- 
tizans gaped rudely at the splendid " set out," as they called 
her ladyship's carriage and equipage, she received not that 
sort of attention at the inn on which she had fondly calcu- 
lated. She felt, — and who in her circumstances, and with 
her feelings would not? — she felt displeased, because dis- 
appointed, and therefore, of course, her stay was of brief 
duration. 

At four, they entered the ancient city of Salisbury, and in 
a few minutes drew up at the White Hart Hotel, one of the 
most respectable and well-ordered in the town, and were re- 
ceived with the most marked and polite attention by a smart, 
curled-haired waiter, who, with as many contortions of face 
and body as if labouring under the wild pangs of tic-doulou- 
reux, or the nerve-exciting influence of St. Vitus's dance, en- 
quired, as he bowed before her, " Will your leddyship allow 
me to show you up ?" 

" Show her up," whispered John to the coachman, as the 
party vanished into the hotel. " A public exhibition that, 
I'll warrant you. Who'd a thought it that missus would ha' 
ta'en all the trouble to a corned to Salisbury to be showed up ! 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! — that's a good un, however ; — show her up, 
Tom !" 

" I'm blessed," rejoined Thomas, "if I shan't be glad to 
have something showed up to eat. Dash my buttons if I 
don't think I could hide away a whole porker in my bread 
cellar, — trotters and all." 

" I should have no objection to help you out with it," ob- 
served the footman. " Here comes one, I 'spose," he added, 
perceiving the hostler approach, " to show us up into the 
stable yard." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 175 

John was right in his conjecture, and in a short time him- 
self and his fellow-servant were showed up into the room pro- 
vided for the accommodation of the gentlemen of the whip. 

"Dr. Leechum," said Lady Bolio, as she threw herself 
upon a rich sofa, " I think the appearance of things here is 
much better than at that vile place, Bland — What is it 
called?" 

" Blandford, your ladyship," replied the toad-eating son 
of Esculapius. 

" Aye, Blandford," repeated Lady Bolio. " I think we 
may venture to remain here for two or three hours, doctor ?" 

" Oh ! certainly, my dear lady," replied the doctor's bet- 
ter half, — a lady about half his age, and who, until she be- 
came Mrs. Leechum, moved in a sphere upon which her rise 
in life had taught her to look down, and whose particular 
partiality of having her own way in all things, and urging her 
opinion on all occasions, rendered it necessary that the doe- 
tor should cultivate practically the doctrine of passive obe- 
dience and non-resistance. 

"Your present weak state," continued Mrs. Leechum, 
■* requires you should avoid every thing like fatigue ;" and 
then, with something of the professional slang which she had 
learned from the learned doctor, she added, " I should ad- 
vise that three or four hours' rest should be taken here ; dur- 
ing which time we can take dinner, and refresh ourselves 
properly, after having surveyed the beautiful cathedral, and 
in the cool of the evening continue our tour." 

" What is your opinion, Dr. Leechum r" enquired her la- 
dyship. " Do you think a good dinner would be injurious ? 
if so, I must still practise self-denial. But, I confess, I do 
not conceive it would do me any harm ; — indeed, I feel my 
appetite exceedingly improved already by the journey." 

Now, it should be known, that Dr. Leechum rejected alto- 
gether the hypothesis which some have, in evident ignorance 
of anatomy, attempted to establish, namely, that poets can 
live upon the air ; — and if he had not so done, as he was not 
a poet, he would have felt no obligation to have exploded the 
notion practically, — but the fact is, he did love a good din- 
ner dearly, as the immortal Goldsmith used to say when de- 
scribing to his friend, Dr. Johnson, his attachment to a 
bottle of Port, — at the same time he felt no inclination to 
offend either Mrs. Leechum or Lady Bolio. To displease 
the^rs^, was unnecessary and dangerous, as Mrs. Leechum 



176 THE RAMBLES OF 

would have her own way, or otherwise she would not let the 
doctor have any quiet ; while, as Lady Bolio paid a rather 
high price to have her will, and, if thwarted, might possibly 
cut off supplies, by selecting another medical adviser, who 
would let her do as she pleased, he, as might be expected, 
echoed the proposition of his gentle wife, only gently hinting, 
that if possibly it could be avoided, they had better not pro- 
long their stay beyond seven o'clock, as the air across the 
Plain after that hour might affect the invalid. 

" I have no idea of that," observed Mrs. Leechum, " the 
evenings are exceeding fine, and the carriage very warm, so 
that no fear of the kind need be entertained. I am sure/' 
she continued, with a leetle tinge of warmth, " I dare say 1 
consider the comfort and health of Lady Bolio as much as 
yourself, Dr. Leechum, and would not advise any thing of 
which I had not the fullest conviction it would not be inju- 
rious/' 

" I know, my dear, you would not," replied the doctor, 
mildly, " I merely hinted — " 

" You are very kind, my dear friends," interrupted Lady 
Bolio. " We will ha^ e dinner ordered immediately, and 
while it is preparing, if quite agreeable, we can just saunter 
round the cathedral. I have, I think, a degree of supersti- 
tious reverence for such venerable edifices/ 5 

" I am sure," observed Mrs. Leechum, " I feel so attached 
to them, that I could kneel down and kiss the very stones of 
the buildings ; and I don't think any person can be a good 
Christian who does not feel so." 

" My dear," Dr. Leechum ventured to observe, " do you 
not think you express yourself rather strongly ?" 

" Rather strongly, Dr. Leechum," exclaimed his lady, as if 
alarmed by his observation ; " rather strongly ! Why, I de- 
clare one might half fancy you were a papist, or an infidel, or 
what is the same thing, — a dissenter, and that you wish to 
demolish all the churches in the land, and so drive out all re- 
ligion from our poor country." 

" Oh, no, my dear," returned the doctor. " I assure you 
I only hinted — " 

" Hinted, indeed !" interrupted Mrs. Leechum. " Such 
hints, Dr. Leechum, are like the sounding of the tocsin, 
ominous of nothing good. I say I reverence such sacred 
buildings, although, to be sure, my overwhelming engage- 
ments do not allow me much time to attend service in the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 177 

church very often ; yet it is out of no disrespect to the holy 
buildings/' 

" Well, I really feel with yourself, my dear Mrs. Leechum," 
observed Lady Bolio ; " and I am sure Dr. Leechum is with 
us in this respect ; but at present we will not discuss the 
matter further. A glass of wine,, doctor, will not harm me, I 
hope ?" 

" Oh no, my dear Lady Bolio," cried Mrs. Leechum, "nor 
two, I'm certain, after our long ride/' 

"If a little diluted," said the Leech, "otherwise I fear a 
return of fever." 

" Oh, there is no danger of that, I am confident," inter- 
rupted Mrs. Leechum. "Why, you are as cool as a cucum- 
ber, Madam; and your hands are in as nice and healthful a 
glow as my own. You are so very fond of dilution," conti- 
nued Mrs. Leechum. 

" Well, I merely hinted," rejoined the doctor. " I wish," 
he added to himself, " I could dilute you a little, — and, in- 
deed, a good deal would do no harm." 

" Well, I am entirely in your hands," observed Lady 
Bolio, " and must attend to your directions, Dr. Leechum ; 
but I do think, as my dear friend Mrs. Leechum says, there 
is no fear of the return of fever ; and I confess I do not enjoy 
diluted things myself." 

" Certainly not," said Mrs. Leechum ; " let those who 
fancy such slops have them, — I like such as are genuine and 
unadulterated, better." 

" Well, my dear," returned Leechum, " I merely hinted, 
and see no harm in your proposal — none whatever, — two 
glasses can do no harm." 

Wine was poured out, and the doctor handed it gracefully 
to the ladies. Lady Bolio's appetite was stimulated by the 
cheering beverage ; — two or three sandwiches were de- 
spatched, another glass of wine handed round, and then the 
proposed saunter was taken, and a delightful survey of the 
sacred building, towards which Mrs. Leechum felt so much 
veneration, followed. 

It was exactly half-past five when the hungry trio sat down 
to a good and plentiful dinner, to supply the requisites for 
which the air, the earth, and the sea, had been plundered of 
a portion of their delicacies. 

Certainly, no person would have justly merited the charge 
of being non compos mentis, who, having been present during 
15 



1 7S THE RAMBLES OF 

this repast, had ventured to express his firm conviction that 
Lady Bolio needed the use of the dumb-bells rather than the 
attendance of a doctor ; for of each of the three courses which 
were served, she consumed what would have been sufficient 
for a couple of meals for a pauper, — calculating, according to 
the present scale of allowance made for the supply of the 
wants of that unfortunate class of human beings, — without 
the addenda of pastry, fruit, and wine. 

At the end of two hours the party had succeeded in satis- 
fying, or rather cloying, their appetites ; and a gentle hint was 
thrown out by the doctor respecting re-commencing their 
journey. 

The bright yet mellowed beams of summer's eventide, 
which had given to each surrounding object a distinctness 
and glory, such as is sometimes seen so powerfully por- 
trayed upon canvass by some of the old masters, had passed 
away, and, occasionally, heavy clouds hung between the sun 
and the earth, giving to nature a tinge of pensive sadness. 

" I fear/' observed Dr. Leechum, as he looked from the 
window, " the weather is about to change." 

" Oh, no such thing, my dear Dr. Leechum," replied his 
lady ; " you are always fearing something or other ; — I do 
really think you sometimes fear you shall find nothing one 
day or other to fear. I almost wonder you did not fear to 
get married." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" laughed Lady Bolio. — " You are deter- 
mined, by your pleasantry, to preserve your company from 
that climax of misery — ennui." 

" Pleasantry/- thought Leechum ; and then replying to his 
dear wife, observed, " Then, my dear, all was fair and bright ; 
or, to employ the language of an old friend and poet, — 

" Not a cloud did arise 

In your gay smiling eyes, 
Or a frown your sweet features deform ; 

All was "bright then, my love, 

As the blue sky above, 
When no prospect appears of a storm." 

The doctor, with intention or otherwise, had given a de- 
gree of emphasis to the thens which had occurred in his re- 
ply, which attracted the notice of Lady Bolio, and she play- 
fully observed, — " Now that is really too bad, doctor ; you 
are indeed very severe ; — I would I were Mrs. Leechum, for 
your sake." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 179 

" I would you were, with all my heart" replied the lady. 
" This is the way he is continually treating me ; — it would 
seem that Dr. Leechum does not understand what are the 
privileges belonging to our sex ; — are we not to frown if we 
please, sometimes, or to state our own opinion ? or, — but I 
declare, I give way, as you perceive, in every thing, and am 
always as even in temper as the mildest infant, — you know I 
am, Dr. Leechum/ 5 

" Yes, my dear/' replied Leechum ; " I know you are. I 
intended nothing — I did not, indeed, love ; I merely hinted 
that the weather — " 

" Pooh! pooh!" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, "the weather 
is very good, — very fine indeed. — I long to enter Bath — do 
you not, my dear Lady Bolio ?" 

" I confess, my dear Mrs. Leechum," replied her ladyship, 
" I shall be glad to reach there." 

" Well," said the doctor, " I yield me to your wishes ; — I 
was merely going to hint that it would, perhaps, be advisa- 
ble to remain here until the morning, if — " 

" Worse, and worse 1" shouted his dear lady ; " however 
could such a thought get into your head, Dr. Leechum ?— 
really, 1 feel surprised at you ! — How very strange you do get 
of late." 

" 1 feel a little languid," observed Lady Bolio, as well she 
might after the mastication and digestion of so many solids, 
and the consumption of so much liquid. "But I think," added 
her ladyship, " I shall be able to bear the fatigue, doctor." 

" Certainly, Madam," said Mrs. Leechum. 

" Very well ; — I have no doubt," responded the doctor — 
" I merely hinted — " 

" Hinted again !" observed his lady, with a look which al- 
most electrified her lord. 

" Well, well," said the doctor, " be it so." 

Orders were immediately given for the carriage to be pre- 
pared ; and about a quarter of an hour before eight they 
drove through the city, directing their course towards the 
ancient borough of Devizes. 

As they ascended the serpentine road, which rendered 
Salisbury Plain visible as far as the eye could reach, the 
gloom which had been gathering appeared considerably to 
have increased ; and on turning their eyes to the right they 
perceived a dark lurid cloud hanging over Old Sarum, of por- 
tentous aspect ; while thick murky vapours were seen sweep- 



180 THE RAMBLES OP 

ing over the plains, although all was hushed and calm, as if 
propelled by some powerful yet invisible and unknown in- 
fluence. 

" Well, I do* think we are going to have a storm," ob- 
served Mrs. Leechum. " I almost wish now that we had not 
started. Would it not be better for us to turn back to Salis- 
bury ?" 

" I really don't know what to think of it," replied Lady 
Bolio, in much less alarm than her excited companion : — 
" What is your opinion, doctor ?" she added, turning to 
Leechum. 

" As we have started," replied the doctor, " my opinion 
is, we had better push on — the Hut and the Bustard inns are 
before us, at either of which, if necessary, we can stop ; but 
I don't apprehend we shall have need to do so." 

" Well, I think differently of it," rejoined Mrs. Leechum, 
as if wishful to be always on the O. P. side of the house. " I 
am sure we had better return ; — however, I am confident you 
will oppose me, Dr. Leechum, if only for opposition's sake, — 
it is ever thus." 

The Hut was reached and passed, and on they continued 
to drive, descending one steep hill, and then climbing the 
side of another steeper still. The Bustard appeared in sight ; 
yet no immediate cause existed why they should halt. 

The heat now became oppressive, and they let down the 
carriage windows to catch the little air which the quick mo- 
tion of the vehicle occasioned. The sultry state of the atmos- 
phere, and the death -like stillness which prevailed, appeared 
to affect even the lambs who nipped the herbage on the 
downs, for they ceased from their gambols ; while the birds, 
which were lately on the wing, had fled as if seeking shelter, 
and only a solitary rook was seen at distant intervals, cleav- 
ing the air with all its might, and pursuing its straight course 
towards its resting-place. 

They had passed the last inn some time, and were in the 
bottom of a deep valley, when a loud and fearful crash broke 
like the explosion of a thousand pieces of artillery just over 
their heads, and ran echoing in terrible response among the 
hills on the plain ; at the same instant a broad sheet of light- 
ning descended, and appeared to envelope the carriage in blue 
flame. The darkness became appalling, and peal upon peal 
roared above them, or in long continued burstings rolled 
around. The war of elements was sublimely awful, which 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 1S1 

seemed greatly heightened by the hour and the loneliness of 
the place. The rain descended, not in ordinary drops, but as 
if a mighty sluice had been suddenly opened, or a deluging 
cataract discharged upon them its streams — it came down and 
flooded the roads. 

The horses, alarmed and terrified, shyed as the lightning 
appeared to fall at their feet. Considerable danger existed, 
either of the carriage being struck by the electric fluid, or of 
the horses becoming unmanageable, and overturning it into 
some of the ravines of that wild, cheerless, and uneven plain. 

After a while it was discovered that a circumstance had 
occurred which added greatly to their previous perplexity, 
which was, that in consequence of the coachman never having 
travelled the road before, he had entirely missed his way ; 
for when he had reached the point of road where the road to 
Devizes inclines to the right, while the other leads to Laving- 
ton, he had turned to the left. His attention had been so 
entirely engrossed by the horses that the directing-post was 
not noticed by him ; while the footman was crouching down 
behind the carriage, to avoid as much as possible the " piti- 
less pelting of the storm," and, therefore, with his fellow- 
servant, passed it by unheeded. At length they overtook a 
market cart, from the driver of which they learned their mis- 
take ; and, turning back, succeeded without difficulty in find- 
ing and getting into the right road. 

The tempest continued to rage with unabated fury without, 
while the tongue of Mrs. Leechum, moved to action by alarm 
and anger, raged with equal violence within the carriage. 

" There, Mr. Leechum I" said the lady ; " I told you how 
it would be — I was certain we were going to have a storm ; 
but your superior wisdom rejected my advice, and, of course, 
opposed my wishes." 

" Well, my dear," replied the doctor, " don't be alarmed ; 
I did hint to you that the weather was changing." 

" You did no such thing, Dr. Leechum," returned his 
dear wife. 

" I beg pardon, my love," replied Leechum ; " you may 
remember — " 

" I do remember" interrupted his lady, " that I wished 
we might not undertake the journey ; but you may remember, 
you opposed me." 

Lady Bolio sat viewing the lightning as it played across 
the wide plain, and appeared so entirely absorbed by the 



182 THE RAMBLES OF 

scene as to be unconscious of the interesting colloquy in 
which the doctor and his wife were engaged, until she was 
directly appealed to. 

" Did I not hint, Lady Bolio," said the professor of phy- 
sic, " that we had better remain at Salisbury until the 
morning ?" 

"Why, I think you did, Dr. Leechum," replied her 
ladyship. 

" There now, my dear," observed the doctor to his gentle 
spouse, " I told you I did so." 

" Oh, yes/' rejoined Mrs. Leechum, " I am aware you — 
did hint something about remaining ; but you know that I 
proposed we should return, when I knew there was occasion 
for so doing. Oh, what a long dreary road this is, Lady 
Bolio !" she continued. 

" We have not more than five miles further to go/' said 
the doctor, " before we — " 

" Five miles further !" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum. — Oh, I 
am confident I shall never be able to bear it." 

" What will the poor coachman and footman do ?" asked 
the doctor — " they must be sadly wet." 

" Oh, they are used to it," returned the tender-hearted 
Mrs. Leechum. — " You appear much more concerned about 
a mere servant than respecting my comfort." 

" I was merely about to hint, my dear," rejoined the Leech, 
" that they are men, and have feelings as susceptible as our 
own." 

" Oh, no doubt," returned Mrs. Leechum. — " Then you 
place them on a footing with your wife ? Truly you are a gal- 
lant courtier. — Oh !" she screamed, as a vivid flash of light- 
ning entered the carriage windows, accompanied with a burst 
of thunder so loud as apparently to make the whole plain 
tremble. 

" Don't be alarmed, my dear Mrs. Leechum," said Lady 
Bolio, whose nerves were composed of stronger stuff than 
those possessed by her female friend, " the danger is past, 
and I hope the storm has spent its violence ; — we may expect 
soon to reach Devizes." 

Lady Bolio was right in her conjectures, — the lightning 
became fainter and less frequent, the thunder roared at a 
greater distance, and the rain was less heavy ; until at length 
the tempest entirely subsided. The moon, " round as a 
shield," shone brightly forth as the parting clouds rolled 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 183 

noiselessly away ; and in a short time the heavens looked as 
beautiful and serene as if the fair face of nature had never 
been disturbed from its placid state — all was quiet loveliness 
and beauty. 

The clock was striking ten as Lady BohVs carriage passed 
Devizes Green— it had reached within one hundred yards of 
the Castle Inn ; at which comfort-yielding and respectable 
place it was proposed a halt should take place, when an acci- 
dent occurred which obliged the travellers to halt a little 
earlier, and somewhat longer, than they intended. 

Any person who has once paid a visit to this said borough 
town, with his eyes open — (and we recommend it to all tra- 
vellers, — " to prevent mistake," — never to travel with their 
eyes shut), — in which, during these modern days of political 
faction and renegadeism, party spirit has assumed a Gorgon 
aspect, — need not be informed of the inelegance of the en- 
trance into it at the east end ; or of the many dangerous turn- 
ings and windings which a vehicle must take before either 
the market-place, or the inn at which our travellers intended 
to stop, can be reached ; — we know but of one, since the days 
of Troy town, that can claim equality with it, — the dirty 
straggling town of Pet worth, in Sussex. 

The moon, as we have already noticed, was shining 
brightly, and threw its rays down Market Street ; one side of 
which, however, was thrown into deep shade in consequence 
of the proximity of the buildings on one side to those on the 
other. A large heap of rubbish lay piled on the dark side ; 
when, just as the carriage turned the corner, it came in con- 
tact with this dangerous obstruction, and in a moment it was 
thrown out of its equilibrium, and the right hand wheels 
whirled round and round in empty air. At the instant of the 
overset, the left side door of the vehicle flew open, and the 
three insiders were thrown completely outside, and placed in 
the most ludicrous position, in a bed of soft mud of ample 
dimensions. 

All the aid that activity and sympathy could give was 
promptly afforded ; and it was soon ascertained that no other 
evils had arisen from the accident than soiled clothes and a 
few harmless scratches. 

It was a very fortunate circumstance for Dr. Leechum that 
his gentle wife's mouth was so filled with filth as to prevent 
her employing her glory 

" In strains with sympathy or passion fraught." 



184 THE RAMBLES OF 

It would, beyond all question, have afforded her consider- 
able relief, under the unpleasant and mortifying condition in 
which she was placed, if she could have lectured the doctor. 
A few words, indeed, did escape her; but they were only like 
a limited escape of steam from a surcharged boiler, which is 
ready to burst, made up of unconnected and little more than 
half articulated expletives, which rather excited than allayed 

•■ The maddening turmoil of her frenzied brain." 

Every thought of leaving Devizes for the night was now 
driven out of their minds. As soon, therefore, as the party 
reached the Castle, — to which they were obliged to walk, fre- 
quently over their shoes in water, — changes of raiment were 
taken from their travelling trunks, beds were ordered, and a 
supper was put into a state of preparation. 

In half an hour after making their first appearance at this 
celebrated inn, our travellers met each other fresh clad, from 
" top to toe," in a handsome parlour belonging to the hotel, 
without any outward signs of any inward ailment. 

The current of Lady Bolio's temper ran, ordinarily, in a 
cheerful channel ; and now, having been well assured that no 
damage had been sustained which called for fine or deodand, 
appertaining to life, limb, or carriage, she found herself in a 
right merry mood. 

" Well, I declare, my dear Mrs. Leechum," she observed, 
as she entered the apartment, " I could almost kill myself 
with laughing heartily at our multiplied disasters. I was 
always delighted with something out of the dull monotony 
of every-day life ; and my enjoyment of such diversities has 
not suffered a particle of diminution. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! How 
ludicrous our positions must have been while floundering in 
mud and water ! — positively, it is as excellent an adventure 
as the heroine of a romance ever met with. I have never yet 
tried my hand at novel- writing, or I do fancy I should make 
something of this affair. What would Mrs. Radcliffe, La 
Fontaine the simple, or your own favourite of all favourites, 
Scott, have given for such incidents as our journey to-day 
w r ould supply !— Ha ! ha! ha!" 

" I can't tell," replied Mrs. Leechum, rather snappishly, 
" what they would have given ; I would rather have given al- 
most any thing than have met with them. This all comes of 
your unkind, I might say cruel, opposition to my reasonable 
wishes, Dr. Leechum," continued the gentle dame. — " If my 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 18o 

desires had been attended to, we should have been safe and 
comfortable at Salisbury." 

* Now, my dear Mrs. Leechum," replied the doctor, sooth- 
ingly, " I admit we have been somewhat unfortunate — " 

" Somewhat unfortunate I" exclaimed his dear wife, — " In- 
deed, Sir, I think you might have said ' unfortunate beyond 
parallel !' and, so saying, you would not have exceeded the 
truth." 

" Well, my dear," returned her kind spouse, " I do admit 
all you wish ; but, my love, it might have been worse, you 
know." 

** I don't know any thing of the kind," returned the lady. 

" Now, only see, my love," said the doctor, " with what 
good temper Lady Bolio bears the accidents ; — if you, my 
dear, only — " 

" If I, — if I what, Dr. Leechum ?" enquired his wife ; — 
" Tell me, — do I not bear the provoking disasters properly 
and mildly ?" 

" O yes, — certainly, my love," returned Leechum, quak- 
ing with alarm at the anticipated consequence which his own 
unfortunate comparison appeared likely to produce. — " Yes, 
—you do, dear ; — I was merely going to hint — " 

" Oh, Dr. Leechum, I am really astounded at you !" re- 
turned the lady. — " Your ceaseless opposition to my wishes, 
and unconcern about my comfort, are beyond endurance, — I 
can't — indeed I can't submit to it." 

Lady Bolio had made several attempts to give a new tone 
to Mrs. Leechum's harmony; but it would not do, her at- 
tempts all proved abortive. Happily for the doctor's peace, 
at the moment the storm of Mrs. Leechum's breath was about 
to burst forth in fury as fearful as the elemental strife they 
had just witnessed, a servant entered, and produced the de- 
sired change at once which Lady Bolio's efforts had failed to 
accomplish, by announcing that Mr. Wildolett, the gentle- 
man who had rendered his active assistance in extricating the 
party from the mud, wished to enquire if they had received 
any serious injury. 

Now, the service this distinguished personage had ren- 
dered, was in some sort perfectly in keeping with his cha- 
racter, — that is, he was fond of meddling in dirty matters ; 
and had, by a, course of dirty tricks, succeeded in freeing 
himself from certain unpleasant disabilities of a pecuniary 
nature ; and by the same process, and 



186 THE RAMBLES OF 

•• A face bronzed o'er with impudence, 
On which a blush was never seen ; 
And brains cramm'd full of roguish sense, 
Where honest feeling ne'er had been," 

he had managed to raise himself to the appearance, at least, 
of possessing property. With as much rhodomontade — (an 
expression, by the bye, of which he was remarkably fond, and 
which he thrust most unceremoniously into almost every. sen- 
tence), — with as much of it as would have supplied half a 
score bullies in the place of courage, or half a dozen petty- 
fogging lawyers in the stead of respectability, he had suc- 
ceeded in gulling a large circle of less wily or more honest 
tradesmen ; so that from being a bankrupt draper for a few 
thousands, — on which he had paid the respectable sum of 
one shilling and eightpence, or thereabout, in the pound, — 
he had become the possessor of a splendid mansion, — most of 
the money being borrowed from simple souls, — and exten- 
sive grounds, not a dozen miles from Market Lavington, 
where he undertook to cure the insane, or to drive the sane 
mad ! This respectable, — of whom we shall have several 
grave and important matters to relate hereafter, — was, as we 
have said, anxious to enquire, &c. &c, — that is — (for the 
secret must out), — he loved good feeding, was remarkably 
fond of wine, and kept his eye open to business. These 
things being all connected with his present anxious enquiry, 
he of course felt desirous to know if those whom he had been 
so fortunate as to assist, might not in some way be made to 
assist him. 

He had, in less than five minutes after the arrival of our 
travellers, succeeded in fishing out the names, titles, destina- 
tion, and every thing else thereunto belonging, of the party ; 
so that when he made his appearance before them, he felt 
himself as much at home with each and all of them as im- 
pudence and cunning could make a man. 

" I hope, ladies/' he observed, bending his corpulent 
figure with as much address as his aping the character of a 
gentleman could command, " you have received no serious 
injur) 7 from your accident V 9 

" None whatever, Sir," replied Lady Bolio ; " and allow 
me to assure you, we feel greatly obliged by your kind aid 
and polite attention." 

" I beg, my lady," returned \Yildolett, with a devout 
grimace, " that you will not refer to my poor services — I 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 187 

feel more than repaid for any little assistance I may have ren- 
dered, by the gratification I have experienced in being al- 
lowed to afford help to such distinguished persons ; and per- 
mit me to say, ladies," he continued, u that we are all 
dependent upon each other ; and Providence has ordained, 
therefore, that we should minister such aid to our fellow- 
creatures in distress, as, in a change of circumstances, we 
should ourselves be desirous to receive." 

" Very true, Mr. TVildolett," observed Mrs. Leechum ; 
** and I feel assured, if you had not hasted to my help, I 
should have been suffocated before Dr. Leechum would have 
given me any assistance." 

<e Now, my dear Mrs. Leechum," interrupted the doctor, 
" consider what — " 

c< I have well considered," returned his wife — " I am po- 
sitive of it, I say ; and I am not in the habit of speaking so 
unless I have the clearest proof, — you know I am not. I am 
indebted to this gentleman for my life, I say." 

" Madam," observed Wildolett, as he again bowed in 
humble attitude before the last gentle speaker, " I feel no in- 
clination to boast of any thing I do — the mere rhodomontade 
of some people I despise ; yet, I may say, and I do so with con- 
scious unworthiness of all praise, — no one feels more happy 
than I do to serve ladies." 

After acknowledgments and compliments had been cut for, 
given to, and gorged by Wildolett with as much voracity as 
a shark would a man's leg, supper was announced as being 
ready in an adjoining room — an announcement at which the 
mouth of the modest gentleman actually watered ; — his ma- 
noeuvres had succeeded to the full bent of his desire ; and a 
pressing invitation was given by Lady Bolio that he would 
join them at the board. With assurances which could not have 
been more hearty had they been sincere ; and repeated with 
a volubility which, for a time, appeared as if they would have 
no end, he protested that nothing but their pressing kind- 
ness could have induced him to remain, but, under such cir- 
cumstances, he felt it his duty, — (he might have said in- 
terest,) — to accompany the party to the supper table ; where 
he again managed to make himself useful, in a way which as- 
sured all present that he felt no inclination to do discredit to 
the cordial invitation. 

" Lady Bolio," said the modest man, (< will you allow me 
the honour of taking a glass of wine with your ladyship ?" 



188 THE RAMBLES OF 

The honour was granted with good humour — an honour of 
which even Willdolett himself felt he was greatly unworthy, 
— who, smacking his lips as he swallowed the wine, observed 
right knowingly : — " That's not amiss ; — they used to have 
wretched accommodation, and worse wine here, until I and 
some of my friends insisted upon a change. In fact," he 
proceeded to observe, " I had occasion to dine here once or 
twice a week, some years ago ; at which time we paid for our 
dinner, took a glass of ale, and dispersed. / proposed, how- 
ever, that we should take wine after dinner, and my sugges- 
tion was adopted ; and from that time to the present the 
custom has been continued. I mention this merely to show 
what a reformation in low habits one spirited and influential 
individual can produce." 

" Very true," observed Dr. Leechum. " I could relate as 
much when I studied at Saint Luke's." 

" At Saint Luke's !" exclaimed Wildolett, getting on the 
wrong scent, mistaking Saint Luke's Hospital for a mad-house 
of that name. — ** Were you ever an inmate of that place ?" 

" An inmate !" ejaculated the doctor. — u I studied there, 
Sir, — and from that same respectable hospital obtained cer- 
tificates which secured my diploma of M. D." 

" Oh, oh, — indeed, Sir 1" returned the man of the private 
asylum, perceiving his mistake ; " that is a noble institution. 
I shall feel much pleasure, doctor, in pledging you," and 
again he filled, and as quickly emptied, his glass. — " All com- 
panies," he continued, '* know that I am a professor of reli- 
gion ; yet I can enjoy myself as well as trie best of them. I 
like a good joke — and good company ; — I can drink my pint of 
wine after dinner, — a bottle for that matter ; but I never al- 
low myself to be any thing more than merry with what I 
take. My respects," he added, " ladies," pouring out an- 
other glass. — " I find I gain the good opinion of all parties 
by being free, and accommodating myself to all. I converse 
about politics, pass a broad joke, sing a cheerful song, and 
enjoy the good things of life, and see nothing opposed to pro- 
priety in so doing ; — in fact, the long sanctified faces some of 
my acquaintances make, who charge me with going too far, 
and their squeamishness about taking this, that, and the 
other, is all ragged fustian, and is one of the chief causes, de- 
pend upon it, why religion is brought into disrepute — they 
absolutely frighten people from that which they seem wishful 
to recommend. — Do you not think so, doctor ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 189 

" Why really, Sir," replied Leechum, " I do not under- 
stand so much about particular points as Mrs. Leechum — 
hem ! — who is, as I may say, a perfect theologian ; — yet, I 
do think with you in your observations/' 

" My respects, Madam!" said Wildolett, drinking to Mrs. 
Leechum. — " I feel proud to find myself in such company. 
You have read Milner's ' Church History/ I dare say ?*' 

Now, unfortunately, Mrs. Leechum, like Madame Talley- 
rand, was 

" Neither bas bleu, nor femme savante, 

But rather, as I freely grant, 

Deficient in her general reading." 

She would, in all probability, like the lady referred to, have 
mistaken the adventures of Robinson Crusoe for the history 
of some distinguished modern traveller, and she therefore 
responded to Mr. Wildolett's question by replying — " No, Sir, 
I do not recollect that I ever did read that particular work. 
I have heard of it." 

"Well then, Madam," returned the interminable talker, 
" allow me to say you have a treat in reserve. I presume 
you have seen NeaPs ' History of the Puritans,' a work of 
great research — an abridgment, by the bye, would be a benefit 
conferred upon society — and — " 

" No," responded Mrs. Leechum, " I never saw the work." 
" I have read a great deal, Madam," continued Wildolett, 
scarcely regarding Mrs. Leechum's reply, " and understand 
the controversy in all its bearings between the Church and 
Dissent, Protestants and Papists ; — I have a pamphlet at 
home which I should like you to read very much ; it refers 
to the disputed subject of Church Reform. Religion, I fear, 
is at a very low ebb ;" and again he filled his glass, which 
brought the bottle, that he had confined almost exclusively to 
his own purpose, to a very ebbing state ; " I do, notwith- 
standing, fully believe that the number of good and excellent 
men, who preach the evangelical doctrines of the Church, is 
increasing in the establishment. Wliy, I remember the time," 
he added, branching off to another subject, and swallowing 
another glass of wine, " I remember the time when here in 
Devizes, Toryism ran so high, that it would have been as 
much as a man's fortune was worth to have ventured to hold 
a contrary opinion : — but things are changing : — I now find 
that I can maintain my opinion without giving offence, — I 
am no radical, I assure you, but the fact is, the rhodomon- 



190 THE RAMBLES OF 

tade of some persons won't do. Some of the wise ones here 
begin to see that my opinion was right when I said some 
years ago — It belongs to the people to rule themselves, and they 
will do it." 

Having taken breath, and a little more wine, he proceeded 
to take the lead, or to maintain exclusively the right of 
talking. 

"I shall be most proud to see you at F House, if you 

could make it convenient, on your return from Bath : — I 
have a snug place there, which I contrive to make shift with. 
We hang on a pot every day, and I always make my friends 
tie up their stockings when they come to see me." 

Wildolett perceived that the ladies looked enquiringly at 
each other, as he talked about " tying up stockings," — and he 
added, to set them right, — " that is, I expect them to enjoy 
themselves heartily ; and if I can manage to make them a 
little matter fuddled, why so much the better." 

By this time the talking man's round fleshy face looked 
as if a hare's foot ^covered with carmine had been freely ap- 
plied to it, while his eyes sparkled with wild brilliancy, and 
his tongue perpetrated sad acts of violence against the rules 
laid down by Walker in his Dictionary, and bv Murray in 
his Grammar. 

" We feel much obliged to you, Sir," replied Lady Bolio, 
" for your kind attention, and if opportunity should offer, 
shall feel great pleasure in availing ourselves of your polite 
invitation." 

Mr. Wildolett having managed to drain the bottle, begged, 
as he had some half-dozen miles to ride, he might be excused 
for retiring so early — it then wanted nearly a quarter of an 
hour to twelve ! His apology was accepted, although credit 
must be given him for having, by his rhodomontade, kept 
the party from falling asleep. The servant entered as soon 
as the bell was rung, who was desired by the modest man to 
see his gig was instantly prepared : — he had not then, as 
subsequently, ventured to sport a phaeton, — his orders were 
soon executed, and as he drove from the front of the Castle 
Inn, Lady Bolio and her friends retired to their different 
chambers. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 191 



CHAPTER XV. 

•* See from the golden East,, in chaste array. 
Like a coy maiden, blushing to be seen, 
Young Day comes forth, all life and loveliness, 
As if to hall her with a courteous greet. 
All nature, waking from a sweet repose, 
Carols in various strains, a matin song, — 
And forth the travellers sped." 

Young. 

The restlessness of Mrs. Leechum's erratic temperament 
was a serious drawback to her own enjoyment, as well as to 
the comfort of those who happened to be of her party. It is 
true that, in the presence of strangers, she contrived to put 
on a cheerful good-tempered-looking countenance, as if un- 
willing to allow any person to know how well she could pout 
and scold. As, however, such assumed character was a pain- 
ful constraint upon her nature, it was not tolerated for any 
considerable extent of time : the least contradiction on the 
part of her husband, especially, threw her off her guard at 
once, and she looked and spoke daggers although she used 
none. 

From the circumstance just glanced at, she had no sooner 
seated herself at the breakfast-table on the following morning 
after her entering into Devizes, than she expressed her anxious 
wish to set off for Bath. 

"Well, my dear Mrs. Leechum," said Lady Bolio, "how 
did you rest last night ?" 

" Oh, exceedingly well, my lady/' replied the doctor. 

" Exceedingly what 1" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum. 

" Exceedingly well, my dear," replied her husband. 

" Now really this is provoking beyond all patience/' said 
the lady ; " I do wish, Dr. Leechum, most particularly that 
you would not reply to questions of which you can have no 
knowledge. How is it possible you should know how /rested 
when you always, the whole night long, from the moment 
you step into bed, until the moment you step cut of it, sleep, 
and — I was goirjg to say something, but no matter, — you do 
so provoke one : — you know perfectly well Lady Bolio did 
not ask you the question. " 

" Well, my dear, I acknowledge," replied her gentle lord, 
— " I acknowledge I did wrong in replying, but I merely 
hinted that—" 



192 THE RAMBLES OF 

" My dear Lady Bolio," interrupted Mrs. Leechum, " I 
assure you I rested horribly, most horribly, or rather, I had 
no rest at all. What with the fatigue and fright of yesterday, 
the thoughts of going to Bath, and the disagreeable noise 
which Dr. Leechum made, — although after six months' trial 
you may suppose I had grown familiar to it, — I could not 
get one wink of sleep until after one o'clock this morning." 

" Indeed," said Lady Bolio, " that was very distressing ; 
but then you know, my dear Mrs. Leechum, we did not retire 
until nearly twelve o'clock, and then by the time the girl had 
put your hair into paper, and properly arranged your night- 
dress, it must have been at least half-past twelve, so that you 
had not to lie awake a very long while." 

"Why, no, my dear Lady Bolio," returned the gentle 
dame, " I had not for that matter ; — but then, it is so very 
provoking to have it said for you that you slept exceedingly 
well ; and I am so restless when I am going to any particular 
place, that a little thing sometimes rather annoys, and I feel 
more than ever anxious to leave this miserably dull place and 
get to Bath — is it not wretchedly dull ? only look now," she 
continued, turning lo the window, — "there is not a soul to 
be seen from one end of the street to the other, — I cannot 
endure such monastic-looking places." 

The words had scarcely escaped the curled lip of Mrs. 
Leechum before two or three nourishes of a bugle announced 
the approach of a stage-coach. In an instant life appeared 
to spring from every aperture in the street, transforming the 
monastic-looking place into a. facsimile of a Spanish carnival, 
as men, women, and children, in various habits, and follow- 
ing different occupations, — some attracted by the hopes of 
gain, and others to satisfy idle curiosity, — drew towards the 
Castle Inn. 

Now the noisy wheels of the coach, as it rattled over the 
~ough paved street, became louder and louder, until the hand- 
some vehicle, drawn by four smoking chestnuts, drew up ; 
and an important personage, with a broad-brimmed hat, 
great-coat upon great-coat, well pocketed, and a large dash- 
ing neck-cloth wound round and round his thorax, after 
throwing the reins from his hands upon the backs of the 
horses, and tossing his whip scientifically to the expecting 
hostler, descended from his straw-stuffed throne and walked 
into the Inn with as proud step and dignified an air, as though 
he had been some plenipotentiary extraordinary from a foreign 
court. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO, 193 

Several dealers in various kinds of fruit and sweetmeats 
instantly, as the coach drew up, flocked around it, almost 
deafening the passengers with recommendations of their com- 
modities and pressing solicitations to induce them to become 
purchasers. A single shake of the head, which is generally 
understood to mean "no," went for nothing, and even a 
positive declaration of the negative, until repeated several 
times with a countenance screwed up to a vinegar aspect, was 
not believed. 

Among the host of competitors for public favour on this 
occasion were two little urchins, who, like quicksilver, slipped 
from one side of the coach to the other, and appeared, from 
the agility of their movements, to be at the front and back of 
the vehicle at the same time ; these were not only more expert 
in their trade, but more incessant in their applications for 
customers, than others in the same line of profession. By 
some accident, however, a breach of the peace between them 
took place by the overthrowing of the basket of one of the 
traders. Instantly a scene followed, such as, — although of 
no uncommon occurrence where stage coaches put up at, — 
had never before been witnessed either by Lady Bolio or her 
f ello w-t ravellers . 

The two juveniles flew upon each other like infuriated 
tiger cubs. — " Go it, go it ; — pitch into him, Bill." — " Well 
said, Sam, peg him under;" — with various other encou- 
raging and elegant expressions, were shouted by the brutal- 
ized hostlers and stable-men as the youngsters buffetted and 
clawed each other. Even coachee himself appeared to forget 
his dignity, or as a patron of the ring, came to the door of the 
Inn with his hand-full of bread and meat, and offered a penny 
to whichever stood most beating. 

The noise which was excited from the shoutings of the men 
and the bellowing ofthe boys, was increased considerably by the 
barking of some dogs, who, as kindred spirits with their owners, 
enjoyed with them the scene. This increased uproar was again 
increased by the screaming and imprecations of two or three 
female friends of the young combatants, who, rushing from 
their houses, fell upon them pell-mell, each woman taking the 
side of the boy to which she stood related or attached, and 
then, falling upon each other, first with their tongues, and 
then with their fists and finger nails, produced effects both 
serious and disgusting. 

" Ah, you old Cream of Tartar," roared one, as she clenched 



194 THE RAMBLES OF 

her fists and struggled, like another Hamlet, to shake off a 
couple of female acquaintance who held her from the destruc- 
tive purpose she meditated. 

"Unhand me, ladies !"— ■ 

she seemed to say ; — 

" By heaven I'll make a ghost of her that lets me." 

And still she struggled furiously to free herself, and as she 
struggled, continued to pour forth fiery expressions of her 
wrath. 

" Fll teach thee," she screamed, " to maul a child of mine ; 
: — I'll tear the eyes out, and twist the pimpled nose off o' 
the face, thou ould varmint." 

" No you wont, Mother Flower O' Brimstone," exclaimed 
her opponent, tantalizingly, placing her hands upon her hips, 
and turning up her nose with provoking coolness at her in- 
furiated rival ; — " lay your little finger upon me at your peril," 
she continued, " and F 11 sarve you as I sarved your old se- 
conder there, Old Sour Grouts ; — I'll black the white o' your 
eye for thee ; — you 're an old impostering thief, that's what 
you are, and Fll prove it." 

" Let me go," still roared the other, almost bursting with 
rage, "let me go, I say, — I'll tear her eyes out. — Oh you 
nasty, ugly, belzibubbing creatur ; — you call me an imposter- 
ing thief, what works hard for every bit of bread what I eats, 
while you knows whose asband was obligationed to skulk 
away for a week for fear of being nabbed. — Fll tell you a 
piece of my mind, Old Cream O' Tartar." 

" Tell your mind, Old Flower O' Brimstone, to the feller 
what you runn'd away from your husband with," replied Cream 
of Tartar, with insulting sarcasm in her voice and attitude. 

" Oh, you ugly, — you abominated old creature I" again ex- 
claimed Flower of Brimstone, gnashing her teeth. "Fll 
serve you a trick for this> or my name arn't Muggins." 

While this was going on the originators of the affray were 
busily engaged in gathering up their fruit ; which, had they 
done in the first instance, all would have been well ; — while, 
Coachee's time being up, he laughed heartily at the folly of 
the old women, and then, taking the reins and his whip from 
the hands of an attendant, he mounted his box adroitly, gave 
a click with his tongue, peculiar to the driver of horses, and 
which is well understood, and off he went, while the bellige- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 195 

rents/ having exhausted their stock of coarse epithets, and 
almost their breath, retired from the scene of conflict, growl- 
ing like angry bears at each other as they turned off, until 
fairly out of sight. 

It would be serviceable to the peace of many other places, 
as well as to Devizes, if an old custom, practised by our fore- 
fathers in Montgomery, was to be revived and put into full 
operation, which was as follows : — 

" In order to prevent, as far as possible, the numerous 
evils that arose in the above-named town, from their strifes, 
fightings, defamations, &c, and many other disturbances, 
such as shoutings and bawlmgs, which they might commit, 
when they were taken they were immediately adjudged to 
the goging stool (answering to the cocking, or ducking- 
stool, resorted to in early times as the punishment of scolds, 
when they were ducked in the water for their shrewish pro- 
pensities^., there to stand, with naked feet, and their hair 
hanging dishevelled, for as long a time as would enable them 
to be seen by persons passing that way, according to the will 
of the chief bailiffs." 

In ten minutes' time no trace remained of the recent cabal. 
The horsekeepers were busy in the stables, while those who 
had been drawn together by the arrival of the coach, had, 
with its departure, retired whence they came, leaving the 
street as quiet and as free from things having life or motion, 
as are the desolated walks of Pompeii, or the deserted gar- 
dens of Babylon. 

M Well, my dear," observed Dr. Leechum, '"'what do you 
think now of the monastic-looking place ?" 

""What can you suppose I think of it ;" returned Mrs. 
Leechum. " Surely you do not imagine for a moment that 
it has risen very high in my estimation from the disgraceful 
scene which has just been exhibited ?" 

w Oh, no, no, ray dear," replied her husband, " certainly 
not. What a dreadful thing warmth of temper is, Lady Bo- 
lio 1" he added. 

"Shocking," observed her ladyship. 

" Ah ! it is so, indeed," said Mrs. Leechum. " I am 
thankful that, amidst much that I have to regret, that is not 
a besetting sin of mine." 

"What, my dear?" enquired the doctor. 

" What ?" echoed his mild lady, rather snappishly. f€ Why 
K2 



196 THE RAMBLES OF 

what were you speaking about ? Surely you have not for- 
gotten your own observation so soon ?" 

" Oh, no, no, my love," replied her husband, " certainly 
not. I seldom forget that subject, for a very good reason" 
he added to himself. " I was merely hinting, my dear, what 
a dreadful thing want of temper was." 

"Aye, certainly you were; and I do hope, Dr. Leech- 
um," said his gentle lady, " you will profit by your own 
hinting, — it was that to which I referred. I say, and you 
know it, Dr. Leechum, that warmth of temper is not my 
besetting sin ; if it was, I am sure I never could put up with 
what I have to encounter day after day. I should really go 
crazed." 

" Oh, my patience !" said Leechum to himself, turning up 
the white of his eyes in astonishment, " how awfully are we 
blinded by prejudice in favour of self to our own imperfec- 
tions ! Warmth of temper not her besetting sin !" 

"Well, as you say," observed Lady Bolio, "it is a happy 
thing to enjoy a mild and even temper ; — we poor women 
have need of it, I am sure, — especially those who have hus- 
bands. Thank my stars, I am not so plagued now, — and 
never will I again be so." 

" Indeed, my lady !" exclaimed Dr. Leechum, looking, as 
well as speaking his astonishment. 

" Never !" reiterated Lady Bolio, " unless, indeed, I could 
obtain a second Dr. Leechum/' 

" Oh !" screamed Mrs. Leechum, with something very 
like horror in her looks. " A second Dr. Leechum I" 

"Thank your ladyship for so flattering a compliment," 
said the doctor. " You see, my love," he added, addressing 
his dear wife, " Lady Bolio can appreciate — " 

" Appreciate, indeed !" returned Mrs. Leechum. " If Lady 
Bolio knew all I know, and had to endure what I have, her 
appreciation would undergo a material change." 

" Will you take a little more coffee, my dear ?" asked her 
husband. 

" No," returned the lady. " You know I never take above 
four cups in the morning, — five, at the most. How very 
tormenting you are, Dr. Leechum ; — positively one would 
suppose you wished to deluge one with coffee." 

The sun had nearly gained its highest altitude, throw- 
ing its broad bright beams over our world, investing in a 
girdle of burnished gold, cities, towns, and villages, when 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 197 

Lady Bolio's carriage started from the Castle Inn, and in a 
few minutes Devizes, with its beauties and defects, was left 
behind. 

As the vehicle rattled down the dangerously steep hill 
which then was, but now is not, at the western extremity of 
Devizes, Mrs. Leechum's spirits mounted to the very pre- 
cincts of a region which they very rarely entered, — content- 
ment and good humour, — and turning to the doctor with one 
of those enchanting smiles which on certain occasions she 
could command, she observed, — "This puts me in mind, my 
dear Dr. Leechum, of the morning on which I made you 
happy." 

" Indeed !" said the doctor, from the tablet of whose me- 
mory the circumstance had been scoured completely out by 
the friction of a weary six months of connubial litigation. — 
•* Pray to what particular do you refer, my love r" he en- 
quired. 

" Why, 'is it possible !" returned the lady ; — " Is it possi- 
ble that you can so soon have forgotten a morning on which 
so important an engagement was entered into ; when I sim- 
ply and foolishly, although most unreservedly, sacrificed to 
you all I possessed, and when you promised with your body 
to worship me, and — " 

"Oh, yes, — yes," responded the doctor; ««1 do remem- 
ber it— you refer to our wedding-day, love,— do you not :" 

" Certainly I do," replied Mrs. Leechum : " to what else 
could I refer ?" 

" True, love, — true," continued her husband. — " But did 
I say, ' worship you ?' " 

" Bid you say worship me, Dr. Leechum r" returned the 
lady. 

" Yes, my dear," responded the husband ; " did I say so ? 
for if I did, I said what I never should have said — for I said 
what I can never perform." 

" Not perform !" half screamed Mrs. Leechum. — " Do you 
hate me so soon then r" 

u Oh no, no, I assure you ; nothing of the kind," replied 
the doctor ; " but to worship you, love, would be an act of 
gross idolatry, and in direct opposition to the catechism 
which I was taught in my childhood, which enjoins that no 
act of worship should be paid to any thing in the heavens 
above, or on the earth beneath, except to God only !" 

" Well, Pm sure !" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum. — " Did you 



198 THE RAMBLES OF 

ever hear any thing equal to this, Lady Bolio ? — Here is per- 
jury for you! — Has it then come to this after being six 
months married ?" 

" Well, my love," said the doctor, " you may recollect you 
promised to obey, serve, love, honour, and — " 

tf Dr. Leechum," interrupted his almost petrified rib, " are 
you not getting beside yourself? If you are perfectly sane, 
what am I to think of the statements you are now making ? — 
statements which would be a disgrace to any of my sex to 
subscribe to. I was, I confess, in a sad state of trepidation 
on the morning I refer to ; but I am sure, positive, as I now 
sit here, that I neither did or could say any such thing ; — it 
is altogether opposite to reason and common sense. In 
short, no such monstrous statements and professions are to 
be found in the ceremony, I am certain /" 

" Well, my dear/' returned her husband, " if they are not, 
I lay under a very great mistake, I assure you. I don't pro- 
fess to be quite familiar with such kind of things." 

" I believe you do lay under a mistake, indeed," observed 
Mrs. Leechum ; " and you feel anxious, it would seem, to lay 
me under a burden which no one can bear. If I had pro- 
mised such things, why, of course, I should have performed 
my engagement to the letter." 

" Oh, fie upon you! fie upon you both!" observed Lady 
Bolio, jocosely. — " What ! married six months only, and for- 
get your promises ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! — So it is with you, young 
people ; you are not singular here, depend upon it. I have 
known fifty couples besides you, who never knew a word of 
what they promised at the altar ; — indeed I question much if 
one pair in one hundred think a word about it when they 
turn from the communion table." 

" Well, — but now, my dear Lady Bolio," returned Mrs. 
Leechum, " do answer my question : do the words which 
Dr. Leechum has just uttered, occur in the ceremony ?" 

" Certainly, my dear Mrs. Leechum, they do," returned 
her ladyship ; " at least they did when I resigned my liberty ; 
but, perhaps, in the new edition of the Prayer-book, the 
changes which were so greatly needed on that and other im- 
portant points, have been made. You know our legislative 
governors have the high and mighty power to make the 
terms of the contract just what they please ; but it is no mat- 
ter, for I dare say, whatever the terms might be, you married 
ladies would interpret them just as you please ; while no kind 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 199 

of terms would prevent some from getting wed. But, if I 
were ever to go to the altar again, which I am sure I never 
shall, I'd take care to have an agreement sealed, signed, and 
delivered, by which I would secure to myself the power of 
doing just as I pleased, and of obliging the happy gentleman 
whom I should favour with my hand, to do as I wished." 

The vein of pleasant raillery with which Lady Eolio deli- 
vered her sage observations, produced the effect she desired, 
— it restored Mrs. Leechum to the temper she was losing, if 
not lost ; and a mutual determination was entered into be- 
tween the doctor and his spouse to read the marriage cere- 
mony as soon as convenient after reaching Bath. 

On they dashed in gallant style, without once alighting, 
until they entered the city of pleasure, and drove up to the 
door of the mansion which had already been prepared for 
their reception. 

Here, in almost every street through which our visitors 
passed, all was business and bustle. Crowds of fortune- 
hunters and pleasure-seekers, of both sexes, and from sixteen 
to sixty, paraded the streets, strolled in the delightful .public 
grounds, or lounged in the libraries and music-rooms. 
Fashion, gallantry, and intrigue, with routs, balls, and mas- 
querades, engaged the attention, and fully occupied the time 
of the wealthy visitors ; while the knowing Bathonians 
laughed at the ridiculous folly of their dashing lodgers and 
customers ; and for fashion rather than for enjoyment or ac- 
commodation, made them come down handsomely. 

The house which Lady Bolio had engaged was large and 
airy, and occupied an admirable situation in the Crescent ; 
which, from its elevated site, possessed at once an extensive 
and commanding view of the best part of the town, together 
with the surrounding country, with its beautiful intersections 
of hill and dale, wood and water, which together presented 
one of the most captivating natural diaramas that a warm 
imagination could conceive of. 

"This is really delightful!" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, as 
she stepped from the carriage, and surveyed, with a rapid 
glance, the scene which, like an extensive and beautifully 
coloured map, lay before her. " Well, I am sure," she con- 
tinued, " I shall be as happy in this charming place as it is 
possible a mortal can be in this world. I never shall get 
fatigued here, or sigh for home again." 

"Well, my dear Mrs. Leechum," observed Lady Bolio, 



200 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I am happy to hear you are so much pleased with the place 
— a few weeks here, and an occasional ride to Clifton, will, I 
hope, completely restore me " 

" Oh, there can be no doubt of it," replied Mrs. Leechum ; 
" and then the company we shall meet with, and the parties 
we shall have ; — why, I feel confident, that any one who is 
not quite dead, must be restored to perfect health here." 

" And yet," observed the doctor, " people do manage^ 
some how or other, to die here." 

" No doubt, my dear," returned the lady ; " but that is 
because there are doctors in the town." ♦ 

The sarcastic jest of the doctor's lady was received in good 
humour by that distinguished professional ; while Lady Bolio, 
hanging upon his arm, laughed heartily at it, as, walking 
after her skipping friend, she entered the house ; where leav- 
ing the party to make their own arrangements, by sending 
cards and receiving invitations, we shall return to Dr. 
Titheum and our hero, whom we left making the best of 
their way towards Chichester,. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

" A gentleman in figure and address, 
Having withal free knowledge of the world, 
That you might take the fellow for a lord, 
So well his bare-faced impudence was mask'd. 
None better knew the mysteries of their trade, 
Or managed their profession with more skill." 

The Professional 

The perpetrators of dark deeds ever seek shade and gloom 
in which to perform them. Now, it by no means follows 
that because such observation is made in connexion with a 
certain opinion held by Dr. Titheum, that, therefore, any in- 
sinuation is intended, that himself or his brethren in the 
commission of the peace were perpetrators of dark deeds. 

The opinion referred to was certainly a singular one ; and 
how it could have entered the rector's brain, we could never 
discover ; namely, that because the hour or time at which the 
expected meeting of importance was to be held, was not spe- 
cified in the letter of invitation he had received, it must 
therefore be in the evening Strange as the result of such 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 201 

logical deduction may appear, yet so it was : he settled it in 
his mind that the witching hour, 

11 When fell Conspiracy, with all her brood 
Of evil-working imps, creep out, and aim 
To ruin men, and murder rest and peace/' 

must certainlv be the period at which the meeting would be 
held. 

This being the case, he felt no uneasiness respecting the 
flight of time ; although the point of the hand on the face of 
the clock in the tower of Havaot Church, pointed at four, as 
he passed it. He felt assured that in a few minutes he should 
arriye at the Crown Inn, at Emsworth, and there he pro- 
posed to dine, for the purpose of refreshing himself and his 
horse ; concluding that one hour would do that needful busi- 
ness, and then one more would take him safe into Chiches- 
ter ; so that without the aid of Algebra, Cube-root, or Sim- 
ple Fractions even, he felt certain that he should reach the 
place towards which he was riding shortly after six. 

As the doctor alighted at the door of the inn, his foot 
slipped from under him, in consequence of his treading upon 
some orange-peeling which had been thrown on the pave- 
ment, and in a moment his head came in contact with the 
element out of which man was originally taken — at the same 
instant a gust of wind bore away his beaver, and whirled it 
through the only drop of water which the eye could detect 
from one end of the street to the other. 

A gentleman who chanced to be passing at the time, pos- 
sessing more than ordinary genteel exterior, and of the most 
polite address, tendered his aid to raise the fallen supporter 
of the church and the bench, and then went in pursuit of his 
hat. These important pieces of service were performed in 
the twinkling of an eye ; and the stranger, gracefully tender- 
ing his arm, walked with the doctor into the inn ; while 
Claudius, as was his wont, took his station among his sup- 
posed equals; observing, with the keen eye of a philosopher, 
the tricks and habits of the humble prototypes of a repub- 
lican state. 

" Pray, Sir,'"' said the doctor, addressing himself to the 
gentleman as they entered the parlour of the inn, u may I 
enquire to whom I am indebted for the kindness I have just 
received V 

" Oh, don't mention my little services, my dear Sir," re- 



202 THE RAMBLES OF 

turned the gentleman ; " I always feel proud to render any 
assistance in my power to gentlemen of your profession/' 

" Sir," returned the doctor, '■' I am glad to be thrown into 
your company, although by an accident which might have 
proved serious." 

" I assure you, Sir," responded the stranger, " the plea- 
sure is mutuaL If at any future period I may be able to as- 
sist you, believe me, Sir, no person in the three kingdoms 
would do so more cheerfully than myself. You will, perhaps, 
favour me with a call at your convenience." — So saying, he 
handed the doctor, from a splendid case, a richly embossed 
card, on which was printed, in tasteful style, 

" Mr. Charles Augustus Montrose, 
" Abbey House, 

" Emsworth." 
— the word " Emsworth" being written in so beautiful a hand 
as scarcely to be distinguished from the steel engraving. — 
u Good day, Sir," added the stranger, bowing as he retreated 
towards the door. 

" You will oblige me, Sir," said the doctor, " by taking a 
glass of wine with me, if your convenience will allow it." 
The stranger lingered, as if undetermined how to act, while 
the doctor added — "Allow me to press the favour of your 
company for half an hour." 

*' Well, Sir," returned the gentleman, " I am merely go- 
ing to dine ; but I would much rather lose a good dinner 
than your company." 

" I am infinitely obliged, Sir," returned the doctor, * and 
feel happy that our pursuits at the present are alike. I only 
regret one thing, — my inability, from want of time, to-order 
such a dinner as I should like to press you to partake with 
me ; — however, Sir, if you will excuse it, — such as the house 
affords shall be supplied instanter." 

The gentleman bowed with a courteous smile, and no fur- 
ther opposition was urged. A substantial cold collation was 
set on the table, with as much despatch as would have put to 
the blush, — provided they could blush at any thing, — the 
waiters of any hotel at either the centre or west end of the 
brave city of London. 

It is ten to one the Rev. Dr. Titheum had never read 
" The Earl of Chesterfield's Letters to his Son," Philip Stan- 
hope, Esq., or, if he had, the sage maxims they contain had 
no influence upon his conduct in the present instance. The 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 203 

Earl's inimitable advice in the choice of a friend would have 
been worth half a year's salary to the doctor, or nearly so. 
Speaking of such, Chesterfield observes : — " Beware of those 
proffered friendships — receive them with great civility, but 
with great incredulity too ; and pay them with compliments 
but not with confidence. Do not let your vanity and self- 
love make you suppose that the people become your friends 
at first sight, or even upon a short acquaintance. Have a 
real reserve with almost every body ; and have a seeming re- 
serve with almost no body." 

This short extract from a long and rich letter of advice, 
given by one who well knew the world, may be serviceable to 
multitudes, as well as to doctors and magistrates. The doc- 
tor, as we have said, had not read it ; or, having so done, did 
not regard it. To be sure, in such company as the doctor 
now was it might have been ill-timed — the gentleman sat 
upon every shred of his costume, and in every attitude of his 
body, and in every expression of his lip. 

The stranger appeared to have an excellent appetite on this 
occasion, and, moreover, enjoyed with high relish the wine 
which the doctor, without any necessity, pressed him to take 
freely. 

'* You are a stranger, Sir, I presume, in this part of the 
country ?" observed the gentleman to the rector. 

* I am so, Sir, 5 ' returned the doctor, — " that is, I but sel- 
dom journey this way — my duties, indeed, confine me closely. 
One in the commission of the peace, Sir, has enough to do." 

" In the commission of the peace !" responded the gentle- 
man to himself. — " Whew ! — Some affair of importance, I 
presume," he added, "brings you this way ?" 

" Why yes, Sir," returned his reverence, " something of 
considerable importance." 

" May I hope to see you soon this way again ?" enquired 
the stranger ; " that is, when may I expect the favour of a 
call r" 

" Why, I shall be detained at Chichester — " 

" At Chichester ?" echoed the stranger. 

"Yes, Sir," observed the doctor; — "are you acquainted 
with the affair ?" 

" Oh no, Sir, — no," returned the gentleman, " not that I 
am aware of, — excuse me for the interruption, Sir; — you 
were about to observe you should be detained at Chichester." 

" Ah, — true, true," said Titheum ; " I shall, in all proba- 



204 THE RAMBLES OF 

bility, be detained there the whole of to-morrow; so that it will 
be the day after, at the earliest, that I shall be able to leave." 

" May I then expect you will dine with me on that day ?" 
enquired the gentleman. 

" Why, Sir, I think," returned the rector, " I shall be able 
to do so ; — let me see, — well, I promise to be with you the 
day after to-morrow, by this hour." 

" Thank you," returned the stranger, with warm feeling 
" Bless me !" he added, as his eye fell upon the doctor's ca- 
nonical, " your hat has received some injury, I perceive ; — my 
friend Brush, half a dozen doors down the street, will get one 
of his men to put it to rights in a few moments, — with your 
permission I will see it done." 

" By no means, my dear Sir," replied the doctor, as the 
gentleman took the covering from the peg. — " My servant 
will attend directly, and — " 

" Sir," returned the gentleman, " I shall feel honoured by 
the permission; — allow me in this instance, Sir, — I shall be 
able to get it done in less than half the time a servant 
would." So saying, he felt in his pocket for his handker- 
chief. — "This is a singular case," he observed, having ex- 
amined both tails of his coat. <f I have not a single handker- 
chief with me ; perhaps you will oblige me with your's to 
throw over the hat ?" 

" Why, if you are determined, Sir," replied the doctor, 
" to become so obliging — " 

" Such honour," observed the gentleman, " have all thy 
saints." 

This was a closing argument — the doctor handed over the 
requested handsome silk handkerchief, and the gentleman 
enveloped the rector's new hat with it ; and then leaving the 
room, made all possible haste to put it into the hands of the 
hatter. 

In the mean time Claudius had filled his belly, and was fill- 
ing his eyes by gazing at every object which appeared worthy 
his notice. His scheme, so far successful, called forth his 
most warm and sincere gratulations, and he now looked for- 
ward to the climax of his plan when the hoax should be dis- 
covered, at Chichester. As, however, he could not divine 
under what circumstances he might be placed at that time, he 
left it to the spur of the moment to meet whatever difficulties 
might arise. 

Since the departure of the gentleman with the doctor's 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 205 

hat, his reverence had taken a couple of glasses of wine ; and 
looking at his watch, he found he had already been about 
half an hour. He began to feel a little uneasy about the time, 
and drank a third glass — still the gentleman delayed coming. 
The doctor's anxiety increased, and he rang the bell. 

" I wish/' said his worship to the servant who entered, 
" you would run to Mr. Brush's for me." 

" To where, Sir ?" said the servant. 

" Mr. Brush's," replied the doctor. 

" I don't know sich a name. Sir," returned the man. 

" Why, the hatter's, just below," returned the doctor. 

" I don't know nobody of that ere name, Sir," replied the 
waiter. 

"Hem!" said the doctor. — "How long have you lived 
here, my lad?" 

"Why, Sir," answered the servant, "only a matter o' six 
weeks." 

" Oh, then you are not acquainted with your neighbours, 
I suppose," returned his worship. — " Say I wish to see your 
master." 

"Yes, Sir," said the servant, and withdrew. 

" You will oblige me," observed the doctor to the landlord, 
" by directing your servant to Mr. Brush's, the hatter's, for 
me. My friend, who dined here, has taken my hat to get it 
cleaned, and I fear I shall be detained beyond my time." 

" Mr. Brush's, Sir, did you say ?" enquired the landlord. 

" Yes," returned the doctor ; " the hatter's, just below. 

" I really don't know any person of that name, Sir," re- 
plied the landlord : " you have, perhaps, made a mistake in 
the name :" 

" Why, I suppose," said the doctor, staring at Boniface 
with surprise, " I must have done so, if that is the case. 
Well, I imagine I must wait patiently a little longer. Bring 
me a pint more wine." 

" Directly, Sir," replied mine host, and disappeared to ex- 
ecute the order. 

Another half-hour passed away, and still the gentleman 

did not return. The doctor continued to solace himself with 

• his wine, which he had almost finished ; when, beginning to 

grow warm, he rang the bell, and enquired of the landlord as 

he entered, what distance Abbey House was from his inn. 

" I have lived here several years, Sir," said Boniface, 
" and never before heard the name." 



206 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Not heard of the name !" responded his reverence ; — 
a why, your acquaintance must be very limited indeed." 

" Why, for that matter, Sir," replied the landlord, u I have 
as many as here and there one, and I know almost every body 
within a dozen miles of the town, in every direction. " 

" Do you so r" said the doctor : " Look here," he conti- 
nued, as he presented the embossed card on which the name 
of his absent friend was engraved ; '* you know that gentle- 
man, of course ?" 

" No, Sir," replied the landlord, " never heard of the name 
before." 

" Impossible !" exclaimed the doctor, " that you can be so 
ignorant." 

" I assure you, Sir," replied the host, " I state the truth." 

At this instant a gentleman of expressive feature rode up 
to the inn door, and, dismounting, gave his horse to the host- 
ler ; and then walked into the parlour in which the doctor 
and the landlord were holding converse. 

"Landlord," said the traveller, " has a gentleman called 
here to-day, tall in person, and very gentlemanly in dress and 
manners ?" 

" Did you expect to meet such a gentleman, Sir ?" en- 
quired the landlord, instead of answering the question. 

" I did," replied the traveller. — " Has he called here to- 
day?" 

" Yes, Sir," returned mine host, ** a gentleman answering 
your description has been here." 

" Oh, I see," continued the traveller, as he looked at the 
card which lay on the table, " that is his card — " 

" Indeed !" said the rector, " then I shall be all right.— 
You know my friend then, Sir ?" 

" Why, I have not the pleasure of a personal acquaint- 
ance," returned the traveller ; " but I hope soon to enjoy it. 
You are a friend of Mr. Montrose's, I think you say, Sir ?" 

" Yes," returned the doctor ; "that is, he has dined with 
me, and I am now waiting his return from a little service he 
is doing for me." . 

" Really, Sir !" resumed the traveller, — " then I shall suc- 
ceed better than I hoped ; — I suppose you guess my busi- 
ness — eh } You know me ?" 

" Know you, Sir ?" returned the doctor — " never saw you 
in all my life." 

" Indeed !" said the traveller, as if incredulous respecting 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 207 

the truth of the doctor's statement. — " Come, come ! it won't 
do; — where has this friend of yours gone — eh?" 

The landlord began to stare in amazement at what he 
heard ; and, although he was unable to comprehend its pre- 
cise import, he nevertheless expected some dreadful disco- 
very was about to take place :- while the doctor, feeling the 
wine operate, became more than usually dignified in his own 
conception, and, therefore, felt what he conceived to be — the 
insult offered to his worshipful person by the freedom of the 
stranger. 

" If, Sir," he observed, warmly, " you do not leave this 
room instantly, I will — M 

" Oh oh, — indeed I say you so ? — rather too flash, I guess. 
You see these ere pretty things, — don't you ?" he added, 
taking a pair of handcuffs from his pocket, and dangling them 
before the doctor's face. — " Come, let's see how they'll fit." 

" What do you mean ?" exclaimed the doctor ; " are you 
drunk or mad ?" 

" Oh, neither," replied the traveller, with unmoved calm- 
ness. — " And what do I mean ? ha ! ha ! ha ! — a notable ques- 
tion — that. In the first place, then, I mean that I have posted 
from London after you and your friend; and in the next 
place I mean to take you both, — if I can catch your friend, — 
safe back in a coach, — you understand. No noise now ; it 
won't do." 

" Villain!" exclaimed the doctor, as the traveller approached 
him, — " Hands off, or I am not in the commission of the peace 
if I don't punish you dearly for your frolic." 

"Well, now, that's what I call coming it handsomely, — ■ 
rather strong, though, old chap ; but it won't do, I tell you 
— you're nabbed, and no mistake." 

** What does all this mean ?" enquired the landlord. 

" Mean !" responded the traveller, " why, it means just so 
much : — that this gentleman is my prisoner." 

" Prisoner!" exclaimed the doctor and the landlord to- 
gether. 

" Aye, — prisoner!" repeated the stranger — " that is not so 
very strange, — is it ?" 

" On what charge ?" enquired mine host. 

'* Why, Mr. Charles Augustus Montrose, — as this gentle- 
man's friend calls himself, — and two or three others (all gen- 
tlemen, of course), have had a good long run ; and we didn't 
grab them because they weren't fledged ; but every dog has 



208 THE RAMBLES OF 

his day, as the saying is, and then it ends . and so has every 
thief. Now these gentlemen have just committed a most 
daring burglary, attended by circumstances of extraordinary 
atrocity ; — as, however, they were disturbed in their game, 
they fled without filching much, and I am here from Bow 
Street after them." 

" You insulting scoundrel !" exclaimed the doctor, his pas- 
sion rising above his reason, " is it in this way that you in- 
sult a gentleman in the commission of the peace ? — stand off", 
I say I" and taking up a decanter by the neck, he aimed a 
furious blow at the head of the officer ; but, fortunately, he 
was prepared for the attack, and dexterously avoiding it, the 
destructive missile flew to the other part of the room, and was 
only stopped by a large mirror, which it dashed to pieces. 
With as much calmness as though nothing had taken place, 
the officer took from his pocket a pistol, and cocking it, very 
deliberately, observed — u You are a game un, however ; but 
you are not the first rumbustical gentleman I have had to 
manage. — Now be quiet, or you see I shall be under the ne- 
cessity of making you so. Here, landlord," he added, " hold 
you his hands while I put the bracelets on." 

All opposition now appeared useless — the sight of a cocked 
pistol has silenced many a fire-eater, and intimidated many a 
big- worded hero ; in fact, they are awkward things to play 
with. So thought the doctor, if his confused mind could be 
said to think at all ; and he therefore became as passive as a 
lamb beneath the hand of its shearer. In a few minutes the 
Rev. Dr. Titheum, Magistrate of the county of Hants, was 
as handsomely manacled as any fellow that ever took up his 
lodging within that celebrated public establishment, ycleped 
Newgate. 

" Now I remember," said the landlord, " there is another 
of them who acts as servant to this gentleman ; I suppose 
they are all alike." 

" Exactly so," replied the officer. — "Another! — oh oh ! I 
am more fortunate than I anticipated ; — where may he be ?" 

" In the kitchen," replied Boniface ; " at least he was 
there." 

" Very good," returned the officer ; " desire him to walk 
in, if you please : say his master wishes to see him." 

The landlord fully believing, as many wiser than himself 
have done, that a member of that respectable establishment, 
Bow Street, cannot do wrong, did as directed, and in marched 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 209 

Claudius, without dreaming of the singular predicament in 
which the doctor was placed ; and, taking it for granted that 
he wished to know if every thing was ready for their depar- 
ture, stood ready to reply to his interrogatives. 

" Claudius," said the doctor, as he entered the room. 

" Yes, Sir/' replied our hero, " the horses are quite ready, 
and fresh as if they had not travelled half a dozen miles. 
Will you have them brought round directly, Sir?" 

" Are they so ?" observed the man of Bow Street ; " that's 
fortunate ; but never mind them, they may rest in the stables 
until their owners claim them, which will not be a long time, 
I dare say : we'll give you a ride in another way." 

Claudius's eye turned towards his master, as if to obtain 
an explanation of the strange speech to which he had just 
listened, when the handcuffs upon his wrists attracted his at- 
tention. Without understanding the cause, he felt an irre- 
sistible disposition towards a hearty laugh. That such con- 
duct was exceedingly ill-timed is admitted ; but had all the 
circumstances connected with the singular case been known 
by Claudius, it is one hundred to one he would, for the sake 
of the adventure, have enjoyed it still more fully ; as it was, 
however, he felt he must either laugh or burst; and preferring 
the former to the latter, he roared with as good a grace as 
Sancho Panza ever displayed. 

" Oh, I see all about it," observed the official, " this is an 
old bird, although scarcely fledged. Come/' he added, 
" lend us your flippers, my fine fellow ; we'll soon make you 
merry after another fashion." 

" What do you mean ?" asked Claudius, suddenly chang- 
ing from laughter to a serious countenance. 

" What do I mean, again ?" said he of Bow Street, — " Oh, 
you shall soon learn all about it, — look here," he added, " I 
have saved a pair for you," and he drew another set of hand- 
cuffs from his roomy pockets. 

Claudius was soon accommodated as respectably as his 
master, and again looked round for an explanation of this 
strange affair. 

" Have the kindness to send for a constable or two," said 
the officer, addressing the landlord ; " I must leave this pair 
of birds for a short time, and go in search of the friend of 
these gentlemen; he appears to have got scent, and has 
changed his quarters. 

In five minutes' time a couple of constables entered, to 



210 THE RAMBLES OF 

whose custody the reverend magistrate and Claudius were 
committed, while the official set off in quest of the gentleman 
at large. 

It was in vain that the doctor protested he was " in the com- 
mission of the peace," or that Claudius maintained he was his 
worship's servant. The master had heen found in company 
with one of the most celebrated of the " swell mob," and had 
acknowledged himself his friend : and under the most sus- 
picious appearances both master and man had been appre- 
hended. 

At the end of half an hour the officer returned, having vi- 
sited most of the public places in the town, but without find- 
ing the person after whom he had been in pursuit. 

" He has fairly given us the slip for this time," he ob- 
served ; " but we shall meet him on the hop yet, I'll swear. 
Here, landlord," he continued, " let us have a post-chaise 
and pair of horses as soon as possible, as I wish to be in Lon- 
don with my prisoners before noon to-morrow." 

"To London !" exclaimed the doctor, as if just awaking 
from a distressing dream, to the actual endurance of some 
still more dreadful reality. " To London ! — Impossible,." 

"Oh no, — asking your pardon; it isn't, I assure you," 
replied the officer : " quite possible, and certain too." 

" I'll not submit to it," vociferated his reverence. 

" Won't you, indeed !" observed the man of Bow Street. 
" Hem ! — not very cheerfully, may be ; but still, submit to it 
you must," and he presented his pistol significantly. — " I 
shall ride with you, you know, if that will be any comfort 
to you." 

" I have business of importance to attend to, at Chiches- 
ter," returned the doctor, " touching some serious legal 
question." 

"No doubt you have," returned the officer, with cool 
irony, " and so you have in London too, I assure you." 

Claudius now discovered that both himself and his master 
were thrown into a serious dilemma, while the whole had 
issued from the hoax he had played upon his worship. To 
become so arrant a knave as to turn evidence against himself, 
was what his noble mind scorned ; — come what might come, 
he had made up his mind to abide the consequences, and even 
to the death hide the secret of his waggery in his bosom. 

Amidst the busy reflections of his mind, one cheering cir- 
cumstance, like a solitary star to a tempest-tossed mariner, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 211 

buoyed up his spirits, and even afforded him pleasure — and 
that was the thought of the journey to London ; although 
that journey would be performed under very suspicious ap- 
pearances. He felt assured that if his master had been guilty 
of some treasonous act, himself would be set at liberty ; if, 
indeed, he had not experienced the confidence which innocence 
never fails to induce, he would have scoffed at the thought 
of danger ; — he revelled almost, in the anticipated delight 
w r hich the expected visit to the metropolis of the land was to 
afford. 

The news had already spread like wild-fire through the 
little gossiping town of Emsworth, that some notorious cha- 
racters had been apprehended at the Crown Inn. Rumour, 
with her hundred tongues, circulated the tale ; and Exagge- 
ration, with her elastic lungs, gave as many and varied edi- 
tions of the case almost as there were hairs upon the supposed 
criminals' heads : the two were multiplied to a score, and the 
officer of Bow Street to a file of soldiers. Some asserted that 
the villains had been detected in concerting a plan by which 
to stop the navigation of the river that ran through the town 
— others stated that their object was to destroy the fishing- 
boats which sailed out of their harbours, if not to poison all 
the fish that frequented the coast ;-— not a few maintained, 
with all the assurance of dogmatism, that they were plotting 
against the government, — a species of Guido Fawkes. Some 
proved they were highwaymen — nay, that it was quite certain 
they had perpetrated numerous murders — each man and wo- 
man was positive that their individual statements were true. 

As was naturally to be expected, the result of these veri- 
table reports was, that crowds flocked round the inn, anxious 
to obtain if but a glimpse of such awful characters ; so that 
by the time the post-chaise was provided in the yard, all ap- 
proaches to the Crown Inn were blocked up. 

" Come, Sir," observed the officer to mine host, " we must 
be moving ; time forces us hard, and we shall have enough 
to do to reach our destination by the time I wish/' 

" I cannot go yet, at any rate," said the doctor, " I have 
no hat." 

" Haven't you ?" replied the Bowstreeter : — " Why, what 
covered your head when you rode here ?" 

" He had a hat on when he came, I'll take my affydavid" 
said a servant who had been called in to assist the consta- 
bles, if any help should be required. 



212 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Why, the gentleman who has skulked away, " observed 
the landlord, " has taken it to be cleaned ; at least, so I was 
informed." 

" Why, there now !" said the officer. — " Is that true ?" 

" Yes ; that is the plain fact," replied the doctor, very rea- 
sonably expecting this would be a sufficient proof that he had 
been taken in by, rather than connected with, Mr. Charles 
Augustus Montrose. 

" Click !" said the man of Bow Street, — " Proof upon 
proof — nothing so clear; — a good trick to treat a younker 
with ; but we are too deep to be so done, — would any one 
have trusted any but a. friend with his hat out of his sight ; — 
no, no, I wouldn't trust any friend even that I have, with mine : 
it's all right, depend on it." 

" Why, sartinly it is," observed one of the constables. 
"What knowing chaps these 'ere Lunnun hofficers is, to be sure 
— why, I should neverhave thought on that, — should you ?" he 
added, " Mr. Addlebrain," appealing to his fellow of the staff. 

" No, sartinly," replied Mr. Addlebrain ; " never ; — but 
ain't it quite inclusive, Mr. Wingleby? — not a shadow of 
doubt remains on my mind, — I see thief and villain excribed 
on his werry phixhonome. These 'ere Bow Street hofficers are 
instonishing men, sure enough." 

" Well, we must get you another hat," resumed the clever 
man from London. — " Let us try the size of your knob," he 
continued, placing his own hat on the doctor's head ; — " aye, 
that'll do ; I'll accommodate you with a beaver in a brace of 
two two's;" and out he went, after charging the town con- 
stables to look well to their prisoners. In as brief a space as 
his own descriptive phrase might be supposed to imply, he 
returned, bringing in the place of the handsome superfine 
canonical, such as the doctor entered Emsworth in, a four- 
and-sixpenny rough felt one; observing, as he placed it on the 
reverend magistrate's head : — " There, my fine fellow, now 
you are capped again ; — aye, and a prince need not wear a 
better ; at least it will serve your purpose until you are legged : 
and then you'll be glad to catch so smart a castor." 
" Who pays my bill ?" enquired the landlord. 
<( I do, to be sure," said the doctor, " at least for myself 
and servant.; and I'm not c in the commission of the peace' if 
I don't make some of you pay dearly for this vile conspiracy." 
For a few minutes his worship fumbled at his pockets, 
making vigorous attempts to get his hand into one of them ; 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 213 

but, like the Siamese brothers, one would not go without the 
other ; and as both could not go in, both remained out. The 
officer feeling no objection to mine host of the Crown having 
his reckoning discharged, and especially so as the prisoner 
appeared disposed to do it, liberated for a moment his hands ; 
when upon thrusting one into the recess where his purse had 
been, he found that both it and its contents , by some sleight- 
of-hand trick, had been extracted. 

" That villain has robbed me !" exclaimed his worship ; 
" he has not only taken away my hat and handkerchief, but 
my purse and gold likewise/' 

" Robbed you?" observed the officer, — "What, dog bite 
dog ! — ha ! ha ! ha ! But how could he have done that ?" 

"How?" returned the doctor, supposing his veracity was 
questioned ; " why, I leaned upon his arm as I entered the 
inn, and then, I suppose, he took my purse." 

" Still further evidence of guilt," observed the Bow Street 
attendant. — "Leaned upon his arm, certainly; but to rob 
you of your purse — eh ! eh ! eh ! Well, well, your plan will be 
to indict him at the Sessions, — we shall nab him before then, 
I don't doubt. Come, Sir, your hands again ; and as you 
and that younker have been so intimate, perhaps you would 
not like to be far apart — eh ? Well, I'll oblige you so for 
once." So saying, he fastened the right hand of the doctor 
to the left hand of Claudius, and then gave orders for the 
chaise' to be brought round directly. 

At this important crisis an entire new feature was given to 
the position in which the doctor and our hero were placed. 
A splendid carnage, drawn by four handsome horses, drew 
up before the Crown, the gazing crowd giving way right and 
left for its approach. The door was opened by a liveried foot- 
man, and two pinks of fashion of the masculine gender step- 
ped forth. Boniface met them at the threshold of his house, 
and led the way to a spacious room on the first floor. 

"What the devil is all this uproar about, landlord ?" en- 
quired one of the guests, who appeared to be well known by 
Boniface. 

" A serious affair, your lordship," returned mine host ; 
" a band of burglars, I think they say, has been followed 
from London by a Bow Street officer ; they have been here 
to-day, — two are in custody below, and one has escaped." 

" Ton my honour," observed the other visitor, " that is 
no joke ; — suppose we look at them, my lord ?" 



214 THE RAMBLES OF 

" With all my heart," returned the other : " show us the 
way, landlord." 

"I will, my lord," said mine host, and, preceding his dis- 
tinguished visitors, he led them to the parlour in which the 
prisoners were. — " There they are > my lord," observed the 
landlord, pointing to the culprits. 

The moment the doctor saw them enter, he uttered an ex- 
clamation of surprise and gladness ; for he discovered in the 
visitors the companions of many a freak by day and night, 
in the field and over the bottle — Lord Dashwood and Sir 
Marmaduke Varney. The rector made an effort to approach 
them at double quick time, but the clog attached to his right 
wrist prevented him ; while Claudius, by the sudden pull, 
was almost thrown upon his all-fours. 

" Ton my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, not im- 
mediately recognising the doctor in his new hat and novel 
position. — " Who are you, fellow ?" 

"Who ami!" exclaimed his worship: — "Why, surely 
some strange change must have passed upon me, or you and 
my Lord Dashwood would not have forgotten me." 

" Why, I should know that voice," observed his lordship, 
< — " eh 1" he continued, surveying him attentively. — " Why 
by all that's good, 'tis Dr. Titheum !— Ha ! ha ! ha ! Gen- 
tlemen," he observed, after his cachinnatory explosion, had 
taken place, as he turned to the officer and the landlord, 
" there is evidently some serious mistake here ; — release this 
gentleman, and I'll engage all shall be set right." 

"Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, "but this is 
confoundedly strange, that a magistrate and a rector should 
be dealt with like a common hind — this is absolutely out- 
rageous." 

The man of Bow Street began to suspect jhat he had made 
some slight mistake, for it was evident, from the attention 
and deference paid by mine host of the Crown to the visitors, 
that they were honourable men, and no impostors ; and he 
accordingly attended with alacrity to the direction of his 
lordship, by taking the handcuffs from the prisoner. 

The common felt was soon removed from the reverend 
doctor's head, and in a few seconds an explanation was given 
of the circumstances which led to the mistake that had oc- 
curred. 

" I am not in the commission of the peace," observed the 
rector, as soon as he found himself liberated, " if I don't 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 215 

punish, to the utmost extent of rigour the law allows, this 
fellow of an officer and his abettors/' 

" Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, " to cast 
such disgrace upon a gentleman and a magistrate !" 

" I beg your worship's pardon," said the man of Bow 
Street. " I intended no insult to an office which I revere : — 
your worship will allow that circumstances were of a sus- 
picious character, and if from my zeal to do my duty I have 
committed a blunder, I hope your worship will look over it ; 
and I promise never so to offend again. If you will permit 
me, I will immediately proceed after the rascal who has taken 
your property, and hope before many hours have passed I 
shall succeed in securing him." 

" Well, I am of opinion, Dr. Titheum," said his lordship, 
you had better pass this matter by ; — mistakes will occur, you 
know. We sometimes trip a trifle, eh ! — haven't forgotten," 
he whispered, " the man you sent to the tread- wheel for a 
month, who was proved at the end of a week to be the wrong 
person." 

" Why, true, true," said the doctor, " persons may make 
mistakes sometimes, — and yet these fellows ought to be 
punished, if only for the sake of example. We who are ' in 
the commission of the peace' are not to be put on a level with 
our tools— our mistakes and theirs are very different — and to 
send, a mere artizan to prison for a week by mistake, bears no 
proportion to my being handcuffed, — the former is a matter 
of trifling consequence, but the latter deserves punishment. 
However, to show how greatly I respect your lordship, I shall 
attend to your recommendation. — Go," he added to the 
officer, "and secure the rascal who has decamped with my 
hat, purse, and handkerchief, and upon condition that you 
find and secure him so that I recover my property, I forgive 
your gross blunder." 

The officer bowed his thanks and withdrew, while his as- 
sistants in office slunk away after him ; and in a few minutes 
the crowd dispersed from the front of the Crown Inn, and 
the doctor, with Lord Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke 3 sat 
down to enjoy some wine, and laugh over the affair. 

By this time it was past seven o'clock, and for a while 
the important business which had called the doctor from 
home, escaped his recollection. Suddenly, however, the 
thought of it rushed into his mind, and at the very instant 
he was raising the eighth glass of wine to his lips, the re- 



216 THE RAMBLES OF 

collection caused him to start as Brutus is said to have done 
when the ghost of Caesar entered his tent to remind him of 
the ides of March. — The untouched glass fell from his ener- 
vated fingers, and was dashed to pieces. 

" Claudius !" exclaimed the rector. 

" Yes, Sir," replied our hero, who had taken his place he- 
hind his master's chair, according to his directions, to wait 
upon the party. 

" Go, order our horses to be saddled this moment," said 
the doctor. 

" Ton my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " are you 
not well, doctar ?" 

" Shall we call in a medical gentleman ?" added Lord 
Dashwood, supposing the recent circumstances in which his 
reverence had been placed, and the wine he had taken, had 
produced some serious effects upon his brain. 

" I am perfectly well, I assure you," said the doctor, " and 
require no medical adviser; the secret is this, — until the pre- 
sent moment I had forgotten the important business on 
which I am going to Chichester : by this time I should have 
been there. I have no doubt I shall keep a full bench wait- 
ing for me." 

"Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, that is 
superlatively singular ; haven't heard a word about it ; how 
say you, my lord ?" 

" Not a whisper," returned Dashwood/' but that is not 
very astonishing ; I don't trouble myself much about these 
matters ; things of more importance engage every moment 
of my time." 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " things 
of more importance, ah ! ah ! ah ! — I take you, — wine, pretty 
girls, and play — eh ? — close on the scent, I think. Ton my 
honour — eh." 

" Softly, Sir Knight," replied his lordship. — "By the bye, 
doctor," he added, turning to Titheum, and turning the sub- 
ject at the same time, — w how long do you purpose remain- 
ing at Chichester?" 

" It is possible I may return in the course of the week," 
replied the doctor ; " can't positively say, the business may 
detain me longer, but — " 

" Oh, in the course of the week," said Dashwood ; " well, 
in that case, what say you to being of a party we are making 
up for Clifton, some time during the ensuing week?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 217 

" Why in truth/' said the doctor, "I have promised my 
Georgie a jaunt somewhere* and I suppose Clifton will do as 
well as elsewhere." 

" 'Pon my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, " an ad- 
mirable thought, doctar, the divine Georgiana will give life 
and fire to any company ; — you will join us then ?" 

" Aye, you'll promise it ?" said Dash wood : we want one 
or two choice spirits, — shall it be so ?" 

" It shall," returned the doctor, gratified with the feeling 
he conceived Sir Marmaduke had displayed as he mentioned 
his daughter, and pleased with the expectation of again 
bringing the parties together. " Myself and Georgie will 
meet you at Clifton by this day week at latest." 

"'Pon my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, " but I'll 
wager a hogshead of Sherry against a barrel of small-beer, 
something out of the common way will occur on the occa- 
sion. Let me see, — Lady Dashwood, Miss Georgiana, the 
golden Duchess, and Miss Fidget — " 

" Miss Fidget !" exclaimed the doctor. 

" Certainly," replied Dashwood ; " you don't suppose Sir 
Marmaduke would allow her to slip through his fingers. 
Why she is above half a plum, and that, to my mind, is 
worth making a little sacrifice for." 

" Certainly ; — yes, yes," stammered out the doctor, half 
confused as his rising hopes were again abruptly struck 
down, " that's an important consideration." 

" ' Pon my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " but I flatter 
myself, if I am so fortunate as to bear away the prize, I shall 
be in a proper condition to meet a few pressing matters of an 
honourable nature, and close the arrangements we have been 
making to-day for the pretty estate in the neighbourhood, and 
these affairs concluded, we will have a jubilee that shall last 
as many days and nights as the feast of Ahasuerus." 

** Bravely spoken," exclaimed his lordship. "You must 
carry off the prize.- Here's a speedy consummation to your 
matrimonial spec. ;" and he filled his glass. 

" 'Pon my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " I am indebted 
to your lordship." 

Claudius had hasted with the agility of a hunted stag to 
perform the bidding of his master respecting the horses, as 
he felt fearful lest any thing should come out relative to 
the hoax he was playing the doctor and so terminate his 
journey abruptly, even as his hopes had been destroyed of 



213 THE RAMBLES OF 

going to London, although in the character of a culprit. 
u The horses are quite ready, Sir/' said Claudius, as he step- 
ped into the room. " Shall they be brought round, your 
worship ?" 

"Oh, yes, yes, instantly," replied the doctor. "Bless 
me ! I had forgotten the important business again. Yet, — 
stay, stay," he added, as Claudius was leaving the apartment, 
" I cannot go as I am, — I want a hat, and money too. Go 
directly and find a hatter, if the town contains one, and de- 
sire him to bring a sample of hats directly. I suppose I 
must make shift without a canonical until I return home." 

"Yes, Sir," said Claudius, before his master had finished 
his sentence, and he again disappeared. 

" I must become a debtor to one of you," said the doctor 
to his two friends. 

" Shall be proud to supply you," returned Sir Marma- 
duke, " 'pon my honour. Here's my purse, doctor, — hope 
you will find sufficient for your present purpose, although I 
regret it is but light." 

u You have no need to want supplies," said Dashwood. 
"If Sir Marmaduke's purse and my own united will not 
meet your demands, I can draw upon our host while his ex- 
chequer has a guinea in it." 

The doctor's pocket was quickly replenished with a suf- 
ficient supply of the needful, and his head furnished with a 
new hat, selected from a score which Mr. Beaver had brought ; 
and, as the horses were already at the door, he bade a hasty 
adieu to his friends, and once again set ofi° at full speed for 
Chichester. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

" Now the Parson look'd big, 

And he righted his wig; 
But listen ! the raven croaks : 

It foretels some evil ; — 

Yet, who, — save the devil, 
Will dare his reverence to hoax?" 

CONGREVE. 

Of Dr. Titheum it might have been said, as of the immortal 
Gilpin, — 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 219 

" He little thought, when he set out, 
Of running such a rig." 

Instead of arriving, as he had calculated, by six o'clock, it 
was nearly half- past eight when they reached the Cross in 
the centre of the city. 

Judging it more than probable that the learned conclave 
still maintained their sitting in the council chamber, he 
turned up North Street^ instead of turning into the inn, in 
order that he might not delay a moment more time than ne- 
cessity compelled him. Had it been possible indeed, no 
doubt can be entertained that his worship would have rode 
his favourite Ithurea into the presence of his worshipful bre- 
thren, so anxious was he to appear in their midst and receive 
the congratulations which already by imagination rang in his 
ears. As, however, his horse had never yet performed such 
a feat, and, moreover, as he found the iron gates closed with 
befitting care when he reached the place, he directed Clau- 
dius to alight and announce him. 

Our hero managed to do the first part of the bidding, al- 
though nearly suffocated by a suppressed laugh ; but the se« 
cond, as he well knew, was beyond his power. The iron 
barriers refused to yield to his efforts to open them, and 
neither his vigorous shaking them, nor his manly shouting, 
brought any living soul or body from the chamber. 

"What can all this mean?" said the doctor. 

" Indeed I cannot tell, Sir," replied Claudius. 

"I really fear," continued the rector, "the meeting is 
over, and my long and disastrous journey is, after all, fruit- 
less." 

" It appears so, your worship," rejoined Claudius. 

The very singular conduct of Claudius in shaking the iron 
gate, and shouting again and again, to the manifest dis- 
turbance of the quiet and the peaceable city of Chichester, 
connected with the strange appearance of the doctor, who 
still bestrode his beast, excited the attention of several per- 
sons who were passing, and in a little time a dozen or two 
people were gazing, open-mouthed, at our travellers. 

" What do you want ?" asked a consequential, pot-bellied 
personage, who stepped from a spirit shop on the opposite 
side of the road, as he strutted up to Claudius with the dig- 
nity of a dung-hill cock, " What do you want, my fine 
fellow ?" 

l2 



220 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I want to get in, to be sure !" replied Claudius. " What 
else can you suppose I want ?" 

"There is nothing doing there to-night," returned the 
dealer in liquor. 

" How long has the chamber been closed ?" demanded the 
doctor. 

" It has not been opened this evening* Sir," returned the 
liquor dealer and ex-schoolmaster. 

" Not been opened I" said the doctor. 

" No, Sir ; to-morrow night the lecture will be delivered," 
he replied. • 

" Oh ! I see," said the doctor, supposing that as the meet- 
ing to which he had been summoned was a profound secret, 
the present person was of course ignorant of it. "Pray, can 
you inform me," continued his reverence, " where Mr. High- 
mans resides?" 

" Directly across the road, Sir," replied the merchant, 
pointing to a tailor s shop. 

" Here, Claudius," said the doctor, as he dismounted, 
"walk my horse gently a few minutes, while I make some 
enquiries about this matter." So saying, he crossed the 
street, and entered Mr. Highmans' shop. 

Now, for the information of the reader, it is necessary to 
observe, that Mr. Highmans' profession was the same as that 
said to have been followed by the graceless wight who, for 
his peeping propensity when the Countess of Godiva rode 
through the city of Coventry, was smitten with blindness, 
and to which said profession, — or rather to those who adopt 
it, by almost universal consent no higher station in the scale 
of human character is allowed than that of the ninth part of 
a man. Many of this craft, however, have often proved by 
"long, stale, and unpalatable bills," that, if it takes nine tai- 
lors to make one man, one tailor is sufficient to ruin the for- 
tunes of nine men. 

But however well and truly this opinion may hold good in 
reference to tailors generally, yet, as in all general state- 
ments exceptions are invariably supposed, here such excep- 
tion was found, as it certainly did not apply to Mr. High- 
mans. He was a man, — a whole man, — and one to whom 
Pope's elegant line might have been applied without taking 
any thing from the sentiment it contains : — 

" An honest man's the noblest work of God." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 221 

It is true he was a little man, — that is, in animal stature, — 
but if, as Watts observes, 

"The mind's the standard of the man," 

why then Mr. Highmans was not a little man. He was one 
of those noble-minded beings, although but a tailor, which, 
like some new planet, are only discovered at distant periods. 

He was, as we have noticed, short in stature ; but could 
the quantity of material which was inclosed within the limits 
of his tightly-buttoned great-coat have been pressed into the 
spare form of a London Dandy, he would have been as tall 
as the best of them ; as it was, however, he perhaps mea- 
sured between four feet ten and five feet in height, and nearly 
an equal number of feet and inches in girth. 

Perhaps, from the spirit of English independence which 
glowed within him, together with a nose of rather prominent 
character, and as sharp as a bodkin, the first impression 
which his countenance would have produced upon the mind 
of a stranger would have been, that he was haughty and mo- 
rose ; but he only needed to be known, to convince the most 
prejudiced cynic that a kindlier soul, or one possessing more 
excellent qualities, did never inhabit a frail tabernacle of 
flesh ; — excepting only Him who was perfection itself. 

Whether in political principles he was Whig or Tory, or 
any thing else, was not so easy to determine; perhaps it 
would have been a posing question even to himself; — but of 
one thing he was certain in his own mind, — and many others 
knew it too, — that neither Knox, Luther, nor Melancthon, 
were more sincere or consistent dissenters from the errors 
they impugned, than he was from the practices, rather than 
from the principles, of the church by law established ; yet, 
ardently as he loved, and firmly as he believed (as all men 
should do), the principles he professed, he did not esteem the 
less any good man who differed from him. His was not the 
dissent of bigotry or ignorance, of covetousness or expe- 
diency, but of an enlightened conscience, and the controlling 
conviction of the truth of the doctrines and practices he had 
embraced. 

Such was the man to whom Dr. Titheum was hasting 
with all the stateliness of ecclesiastical dignity and magiste- 
rial importance, which an individual body could possess, to 
make enquiry respecting the important business which had 
brought him to Chichester. At the moment his reverence 



222 THE GAMBLES OF 

entered the shop, its owner was snugly seated in his little 
back parlour, enjoying a hearty but frugal supper ; for, like 
" a good old English gentleman," he attended to poor Ri- 
chard's well known aphorism, — 

M Early to bed, and early to rise, 
Make a man healthy, wealthy \ and wise ;" 

although it must be acknowledged the second benefit men- 
tioned in this preamble had not yet been realized by him. 

Through a small window which opened a visual communi- 
cation between the shop and the sitting-room, Mr. Highmans 
beheld his visitor enter ; and supposing the divine — as he at 
once shrewdly guessed him to be — was a customer from whom 
a good order might be obtained, he laid down his knife and 
fork, wiped his mouth hastily, and in a bustle which caused 
the blood to mount into, and give a crimson colour to his 
bald head, stood as erect as a yard-and-half of pump water 
before the magisterial doctor. 

"Mr. Highmans, I presume ?" said the rector, making a 
slight inclination of the body as he spoke. 

" Yes, Sir," returned Mr. Highmans, looking as sharp as 
a charity boy who had lost his dinner. 

" Hem," said the doctor ; " has not the meeting been held 
to-day in the council-chamber?" 

" No, Sir," replied Mr. Highmans, "it will not take place 
until to-morrow." 

" Indeed," said the doctor ; " then the announcement sent 
me, stating it would be held on the 16th inst., was not 
correct." 

" No, Sir," returned Mr. Highmans, " to-morrow, at seven, 
is the time." 

" Well, I am glad to hear it," replied his reverence, " as I 
shall by that time be refreshed from the fatigues of my jour- 
ney. Pray," he added, " can you give me any information 
as to the nature of the business which is to be transacted ?" 

" Why, no, Sir," answered the tailor, who knew no more 
about phrenology than he did of the properties of hydragy- 
rum, " I am not in the secret ; it is, in fact, out of my lati- 
tude." 

" Aye," responded the doctor, " above your capacity, 1 
suppose?" 

"Just so, Sir/' answered the maker of garments, conceiv- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 223 

ing he had to do with a facetious customer, and willing to in- 
dulge his sportive disposition for the same reason that a child 
is plied with sweetmeats, — to win him to his purpose. 

" Why, I presume, it must be something of an abstruse or 
difficult nature, or foreign aid would not be required. I flat- 
ter myself, " continued the rector, and his fair round propor- 
tions appeared to increase as he delivered his observations, 
" I flatter myself, however, that I shall be able to comprehend 
the business." 

" Oh, there can be no doubt of it, Sir," echoed Mr. High- 
mans ; "you are, of course, learned in most of the sciences." 

" Why, I don't boast of my attainments," answered 
Titheum ; " but there are few points of law which, from my 
long standing 'in the commission.of the peace/ I am not fami- 
liar with." 

" Indeed, Sir !" said the man of tapes and threads, while 
his small sunken eyes sparkled with surprise as he listened 
to the doctor's reply; and he began seriously to question the 
sanity of his visitor. 

The reader need scarcely be told that both the rector and 
the tailor were labouring under mistake ; the doctor imagin- 
ing that Mr. Highmans was secretary to the board of magis- 
trates, and that the meeting to which he referred was that to 
attend which he had visited Chichester; while the tailor, 
knowing of no meeting excepting the lecture on phrenology, 
which was to be delivered on the following evening, referred 
exclusively to it ; so that when the doctor spoke of under- 
standing law, Snip, without outraging propriety, supposed 
him to be only semi compos mentis. 

" Well," said the doctor, " I have no wish to have it 
known that I am in the city ; you will, therefore, if you 
please, Mr. Highmans, keep it, like the business of the meet- 
ing, a profound secret." 

u There will be little danger of my betraying you," an- 
swered Mr. Highmans ; " 1 have not the pleasure, you are 
aware, Sir, of knowing who it is that has favoured me with 
this visit." 

" Why, true, — true," returned the doctor. " Bless me, 
how singular it is that I should have forgotten to announce 
myself, — ha! ha! ha! Well, well," he added, "you have 
heard of the name of Titheum, I dare say ?" 

" Who, Sir ?" asked Mr. Highmans 

" Titheum," rejoined the doctor 



224 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Titheum, — Titheum," repeated the tailor; — " why, really, 
Sir—" 

"Aye, — Titheum," interrupted the rector, half surprised 
and as much offended, that his name should be so little 
known ; and, especially, that it should not be remembered 
by the servant of the meeting from which he was expecting 
to receive flattering applause. — " Dr. Titheum," he added, 
with an elevated voice and shrill tone ; — " Dr. Titheum, oi 
Christchurch, and a magistrate of the county of Hants" 

" Oh yes, Sir ; I recollect now," replied Mr. Highmans, 
starting ; for the name had been rendered familiar to him by 
a circumstance which did not tend to raise either the divine 
or the magistrate very high in the estimation of a man like 
honest Highmans. The fact was simply this : — the man to 
whom Sir Marmaduke had referred as having been wrong 
fully committed by the doctor to the tread-wheel, had for 
merly been a highly respected apprentice of Mr. Highmans ; 
so that, on hearing the account of the committal from the 
mouth of the sufferer, the name of the magistrate, at whose 
pontifical ipse dixit he had been vagabondized, was mentioned. 

" Why, that's well," observed the doctor, — u that's well; 
— I thought you, of course, must recollect me. But tell me, 
Mr. Highmans," continued his reverence, " have you any 
game hereabouts ?" 

" Game, Sir?" responded Mr. Highmans. 

" Aye, — game," replied the doctor, — "your downs are ad- 
mirably adapted for coursing;" 

" I do not attend to those things, Sir," returned the tailor, 
" and I think it would be much more in character if some 
other persons, who do attend to them, did not" 

" Very wisely observed," returned the rector ; " you speak 
like a good and honest man: and, as you say, tradesmen 
should not waste their time, or seek to unite with gentlemen 
in their sports." 

u Every honest tradesman, Sir," replied Mr. Highmans, 
"is a gentleman ! — at least he merits the name far more than 
many who bear it proudly. But, Sir," he added, with spirit, 
" I speak not as a tradesman, merely ." 

" Oh no, no," returned the doctor, startled at the feeling 
displayed by the tailor ; and then, with the intention of turn- 
ing from the subject, he enquired : — " Oh, by the bye, is his 
lordship at Goodwood at present ?" 
" I believe he is, Sir," returned Mr. Highmans. 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 225 

"Ah — a pleasant spot that, — Goodwood/' observed his 
reverence. — "I haven't been on the course for two seasons. 
Do you not think it a most excellent situation, and a charm- 
ing place ?" 

" So far as the country is concerned, Sir," returned the 
tailor, " it is, I conceive, without exception, unrivalled ; but 
in reference to the race-course, my judgment must be use- 
less, as I never frequent it, and have no desire to unite with 
gentlemen in their sports." 

"True, true," responded the divine. — "Yes, it is a lovely 
place, and — that is, — was the company as numerous and good 
last year as usual — eh ?" 

" I have said, Sir," returned Mr. Highmans firmly, " I 
never attend the course." 

" Never !" exclaimed the doctor. — " What ! live within a 
stone's throw, as one may say, and not attend ! — why, really 
now, this is carrying the tradesman too far." 

" It would be far better, I conceive, Sir," returned Mr. 
Highmans, "if some other persons, whose professions point 
out to them other occupations, were not found there. The 
loud war whoop is raised against dissenters, — and, I admit, 
not without cause in too many cases ;— they are pointed at 
and hooted as if they deserved not to enjoy the rights of citi- 
zenship with their fellow-subjects, and they are branded with 
almost every offensive epithet which the malice and ingenuity 
of their enemies can invent ; and are treated as schismatics 
and renegades from the church, and by those, too, who 
should be her defenders, but who are her foulest enemies, — 
who by their examples teach, nay, compel almost, the con- 
scientious to dissent." 

" Eh ?" observed the doctor, half confounded by the 
tailor's eloquence. — " Well, well, Mr. Highmans, I give you 
credit for sincerity ; but it is a mere matter of opinion, and 
we shall not fall out on that point." 

" I think it, Sir," replied Mr. Highmans, " something 
considerably above mere opinion, and what enters into the 
very essence of the faith which the church teaches." 

U I am not in the commission of the peace," exclaimed 
the doctor, starting and staring with surprise, " if I don't 
more than half suspect that you are a dissenter." 

" If you were not in the commission of the peace" returned 
the tailor, " or not in possession of a gown, I more than half 
suspect, each office might gain by it." 
l 5 



226 THE RAMBLES OF 

'•' What, Sir !" exclaimed the rector, " do you mean to in- 
sinuate — do you mean that the union of the two offices is 
improper ?" 

No, Sir," replied Mr. Highmans, " Ido not mean to insi. 
nuate any such thing ; but, as you have asked the question, 
I feel no hesitation in giving you my opinion on the subject." 

" Well, Sir, and what is it ?" asked the doctor. 

" It is, Sir," returned the tailor, " that the offices are ut- 
terly incompatible with each other ! A reverend magistrate is 
a burlesque upon the sacred, and a reproach to the legal 
office — " 

" Sir, Sir," interrupted the doctor, warmly, " can you prove 
your statements ?" 

" I can prove, Sir," replied Mr. Highmans, with vigour, 
" that one much more qualified than any man that either Ox- 
ford or Cambridge ever sent forth, exclaimed under the pres- 
sure of one office, — ' Who is sufficient for these things }' — 
and if he, Sir, with his very superior, extraordinary, and su- 
pernatural qualifications, so felt, what ought to be the feel- 
ings of those who bear the same office now, without the 
addition of another of weighty character ? — or how, Sir, is it 
possible the duties of both, or either, can be properly dis- 
charged by those who strive to unite them, who possess 
scarcely a grain of qualification for either ? — Or, if you please, 
Sir, look at those whose abilities are of the most superior 
order, and you. will not for a moment maintain that even there 
is a proximity to a shadow of a shade of his to whom I have 
referred ; and if not, by what means can such perform the 
double duties of magistrate and minister, whose talents for 
both are most despicable ?" 

" How, Sir !" exclaimed his reverence, with less temper 
than Moses displayed when he smote the rock at Rephidim, 
from which miraculously a supply of water flowed. — i( How, 
Sir ! — Why, cannot a curate be procured if the duties of a 
charge are too heavy for the incumbent ?" 

" A curate" returned Mr. Highmans; "why yes, Sir, a 
curate can be procured ; but, Sir, does it comport with ho- 
nesty, — leaving other and higher considerations out of the 
question, — does it comport with honesty, Sir, that from eight 
to eighteen (or more) hundreds a-year should be received by 
a man for the performance of duties which he dislikes to at- 
tend to, or is unable to perform ; while a laborious worthy 
person, unpatronised by title and driven by necessity, is com- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 227 

pelled to submit to become the proxy of such, for the paltry 
stipend of from seventy to one hundred pounds a-year ? Let 
those, Sir, who are unable, from disqualification or disinclina- 
tion, to fill properly the office of a minister, resign to those 
who are able and willing. — He, Sir, who makes men rulers 
and judges now, never makes the same men ministers and ma- 
gistrates. It is time, Sir, — high time, that the sacred and the 
secular should be disunited, whether found to exist in the 
lower or higher grades of office." 

"Sirl" thundered out the doctor, unable any longer to 
listen to the wild declamation of the tailor, " I shall report 
your conduct to-morrow to the bench of magistrates ; and if 
such a person as you are, — holding as you do, opinions so 
subversive of the whole system which the wisdom of our fore- 
fathers established, — can be allowed to retain the office of 
clerk to such a body — " 

"As what, Sir?" interrupted Mr. Highmans. 

" Why, as clerk, I say," answered the doctor. 

" My dear Sir," returned the tailor, who now fully believed 
the doctor was mad, " are you unwell ?" 

" Am I unwell ?" foamed out the divine. — " What ! am I 
to be insulted, too ?" 

"No, Sir, I mean no insult," replied Mr. Highmans ; " I 
never intentionally insulted any man, much less gentlemen of 
your profession, how much soever they insult themselves ; — 
but there is a degree of incoherency in your language and ob- 
servations which 1 cannot comprehend." 

" Very likely !" exclaimed the doctor,— " Very likely ! — 
But you shall understand me, — I will report you, I say, to 
the board." 

" I am no clerk to any such board as you name, Sir," re- 
plied Mr. Highmans ; " I am, indeed, clerk to the congrega- 
tion with which I worship." 

" Not clerk to the board !" thundered the divine. — " Clerk 
to a congregation ! — What, a dissenter ! — Pshaw ! Here, 
Claudius, Claudius !" shouted his reverence at the top of his 
voice, " bring me my horse immediately ;" and he bustled 
towards the door of the shop with a degree of trepidation and 
speed, as if the dread fangs of some harpy monster were about 
to be thrown around him ; and then, as if suddenly recollect- 
ing himself, he turned short, and taking the letter from his 
pocket which Claudius had written, — to which by accident 
he had appended a real, where he purposed to have affixed a 



228 THE RAMBLES OF 

fictitious name, — he presented the scrawl to the tailor, ex- 
claiming as he did so, — " Do you deny writing me this let- 
ter, Sir ?" 

" Certainly I do," replied Mr. Highmans. 

" You do, Sir ?" roared the doctor. — What, deny your 
own signature ! — oh, monstrous ! monstrous I — You are a 
dissenter with a witness. 

" I deny that this is my signature," said the tailor. 

At this moment Claudius came up with his master's horse, 
and seeing the letter exhibited, and the doctor arguing with 
exceeding excitement, imagined at once that the mystery had 
come out, and stood prepared for an assault. 

" Here is your horse, Sir," said Claudius. 

"Very good," said the doctor. "Do you," he added to 
the tailor — " Do you, I once more ask, deny writing this ?" 

"Your master is certainly unwell," observed Mr. High- 
mans to Claudius. " How far have you travelled to-day ?" 

Before the doctor could reply as he was about to do, a 
friend of Mr. Highmans appeared at the door of his shop. 
He was an exact counterpart of the tailor in principle and 
excellence of character ; but his Patagonian stature gave him 
considerable advantage in point of appearance. He was a 
shrewd calm thinker, and in a few moments saw through the 
mistake under which the parties laboured, and perceived the 
hoax which had been played upon the divine. 

'• If you will allow me, Sir," observed Mr. Irvingood — " I 
think I can explain the matter ; some mistake has evidently 
taken place." 

" A mistake !" returned the doctor. " Have I not Mr. 
Highmans' own hand-writing here ?" 

" No, Sir," replied he of the golden cannister — " you have 
not indeed — Mr. Highmans is but an indifferent sort of 
scribe ; besides which, he is not and never was clerk to the 
body you refer to : and as no person of the same name re- 
sides in Chichester, depend upon it that some wag has grossly 
imposed upon and abused you." 

Claudius listened to this explanation, and almost trembled at 
his own wild freak; but recollecting that no one was connected 
with him in the plot, the secret of it was his own, and could 
only be made known by his personal confession, and in the 
retention of it he felt his security perfect. 

" Claudius," again cried the doctor, " bring me my horse ;" 
and once more he moved towards the door; "I am not in the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 229 

commission of the peace if I don't find out and severely 
punish the villain who has dared to make me the object of 
this his unhallowed sport/' 

The doctor stepped from the step of the door into his 
stirrup, and from thence into his saddle, in which, having 
seated himself comfortably, he enquired of Mr. Irvingood. 
" Where had I better put up at, — which is your best inn?" 
;| '* I am going within twenty yards of it," replied Mr. Irvin- 
good, " and if you will allow me, shall feel a pleasure in 
pointing it out to you." 

"The doctor acknowledged the kindness, and walked his 
horse after his proffered guide to the Cross ; and then turn- 
ing to the left, Mr. Irvingood led him past his own well- 
stocked shop, to the best inn the city afforded ; and as there 
are several of no mean character in this comfortable see, 
the one to which his reverence was conducted was of course 
of superior order ; and after wishing the doctor good-night, 
he left him and our hero to dispose of themselves in the 
best way they were able. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

" Ah, ah, say you so ? — a parcel for me ? 
Come, hand it here quickly, I'm dying to see 
Of what, or how much, its' contents may be. 
From whom can it come ']— are you certain you're right ? 
Read again the address, — come nearer the light ; 
Yes, yes, you're correct, — I shall die with delight." 

The Mousetrap. 

It was half-past sis on the morning of Friday, when 
Claudius was roused from a sound sleep by the loud knock- 
ing at his bed-room door by the hostler of the inn, who in- 
formed him, a box directed to his master had just been left 
from the Portsmouth coach, on which " to be delivered im- 
mediately '* was written in large letters. 

"The porter/' observed Joe the hostler, "has been at 
half a dozen inns already before he com'd here, and may bee 
it is something importunate.' 9 

Claudius would much rather the hostler had taken the 
box to his master, although a box on the ear had been the 
only reward he had met with, than have been disturbed so 
early. The fatigue of the past day had rendered sleep doubly 
agreeable to him, and in a half angry tone he enquired of 
the bearer of the box what the hour was. 



230 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Why it is going fast on to breakfast time," replied Joe. 

"And at what time do you take breakfast?" asked Claudius. 

" Why, at what time we can get it," returned the hostler. 

" Indeed," said Claudius, " do you so ? and at what time 
do you expect to get it this morning?" 

" Why, may be, at something like half-past seven," re- 
plied Joe. 

"Half-past seven!" exclaimed Claudius, "why is it not 
later than that yet 1" 

"What, now!" said Joe, " ah ! ah ! ah ! — why be'st aw T ake, 
lad ?" , ' 

" Hardly so," said Claudius. 

" Well, I judged as good," said the hostler. — "Look at the 
sun yonder, and you'll soon tell the time o' the morning, I 
warrant you: it arn't seven yet, by perhaps half an hour." 

" Well then," said Claudius, " the box must wait, for I 
am certain it is as much as my place is worth to call up the 
doctor at such an unreasonable hour, except, indeed, the 
hounds were out, and then — three or four hours earlier 
would not be too soon. 

" Well," replied Joe, as he set down the box, " there is 
the thing at your door ; do as you will with it, only fork me 
out a bob and a tanner : and then, if you choose, you can 
pop your head under the blankets again." 

"A bob and a tanner!" said Claudius, as he appeared at 
the door ; — " no, no, — we don't do things in that way, — we 
know what's what in the country as well as you city folks." 

" I make no doubt about it whatsomever," returned Joe ; 
" but I'll prove the charge what I makes is no more nor 
correct." 

" Well, let's have the proof," rejoined Claudius. 

" Oh, you shall have it in a giffy," cried Joe : " In the first 
place, then, booking at Portsmouth, two browns ; then there's 
carnage from that 'ere place to this 'ere city, one tanner and 
two browns." 

"Well," said Claudius, "that makes tenpence." 

" By course it does," replied the hostler. — " Then again," 
he continued, " there's booking here, two browns." 

"Booking again !" exclaimed Claudius. 

" Why, to be sure there is," returned Joe, with calculating 
coolness ; — " you wouldn't have walluable property taken no 
care about, — would you ? and if it is taken care of, why, by 
course, them what takes that 'ere consarn must be paid for 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 231 

it. Well, as I said, booking here, two browns more ; then 
there's the porter from that inn what the coach puts up at, 
three browns, — and cheap too, considering how he has runn'd 
about to find your master." 

" Well, admitting all this,' 5 said Claudius, " you only make 
out one shilling and threepence." 

" Well, by course," answered Joe, " I knows all about it ; 
but I ain't done yet." 

"Why, what more have you to charge for?" asked Claudius. 

" Why there's my perkesites, to be sure," returned the 
hostler; " I never does nothing, no more nor other men in 
office, without the browns. I charges three browns for my 
trouble, — and well worth it ; — it wouldn't answer my purpose 
to do it for nothing under that. Why, haven't I to leave off 
polishing the harness of the Red Rover, and to come up from 
the stable, and then to knock as if I was going to break the 
door in afore I could wake you, and all for three browns ? — 
if that ain't cheap, never say labour ain't worth being paid for 
again. You know you can lay on an extra tanner — that will 
only make it two bobs, — and cheap too ; — why, if I hadn't, 
considered you, I should have had three browns more myself, 
and no joke ; however, as I 'spose you'll stand something 
short out of your tanner, I leaves you an opportunity to get 
your own perkesites. Come, tip us the ready, and I'll be 
satisfied." 

Claudius's initiation into the mysteries of the fine arts, — as 
those delicate sort of robberies were called, — was as yet but 
partial ; — as, however, he felt anxious to receive information on 
all subjects and from any professor with whom he might chance 
to come in contact, he was perfectly willing to do so on the pre- 
sent occasion. He knew sufficient of life already to be as- 
sured that no one would supply him with instruction free of 
all expense. Such reflection having passed through his mind, 
he made no further objection against paying the fee which the 
present professor of the fine arts demanded. Having, there- 
fore, tipped the required sum, Joe became as jocose and loqua- 
cious as a long-brief'd barrister on the first day of term, or a 
candidate for legislative honours when seeking the patronage 
of his " good friends," chimney-sweeps and scavengers. 

" Now, that's handsome," said Joe, as the two pieces of 
silver jingled in the palm of his horny hand; "and if you'll 
stand the drop I mentioned, I'll put you up to a thing or two 
that will put a few bobs in your pocket." 



232 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Will you?" replied Claudius; "you are a kind soul, I 
dare say." 

" By course/' returned Joe, " I wish to do a sarvice to any 
body." 

" By instructing them how to cheat and rob, I suppose," 
said Claudius 

" No ; on the honour of a man, and a gentleman too," re- 
joined Joe, "nothing of the kind, but all fair and upright." 

" Well, let's hear it," said Claudius, "and I shall then be 
better able to judge." 

" You agree then to the tooth-ful — eh ?" observed the 
hostler. 

" Aye, aye," said Claudius ; " go on with your lesson." 

" Well, then, thus it is," commenced the logical Joe : — 
"Your master pays all bills, by course, — that is, he finds the 
chink, — and if he pays a little more on some odd occasions 
than just the account, why the overplush is your perkesites by 
course. 'Spose now, when you are a travelling he orders the 
'orses to have a quartin o' hotes, and half a quartin o' beans ; 
— now you knows the orse can't eat so much, so you orders 
the hotes and omits the beans, and pockets the browns for 
your perkesites ; — you understands that — eh ?" 

" Why, I fancy I do," returned our hero ; " it is not very 
difficult to understand that I am to rob both master and horse 
for the sake of filching the price of the beans." 

" No sich thing," resumed Joe ; " you robs no one — all 
you does is to save the 'orse from over-eating himself. Well," 
he continued, "boots charges two browns — you, by course, 
charges three (one for perkesites) ; and then when you pays 
the ostler, you tips him a wink what he understands, as you 
slips a tanner and a few browns into his hand, and says, just 
as your master can hear you, e There's a bob for you, Joe,' 
and pockets the odd browns for perkesites ." 

" Well, but by such means," said Claudius, " I rob both 
boots and hostler.* 

" No sich thing, I tell you," returned Joe ; " we under- 
stands it, and hold it fair to go snacks with a fellow- servant." 

" But much cannot be gained in this way ?" observed 
Claudius. 

" Say you don't know, if any body axes you," continued 
Joe, with an arch wink. — " Why, bless you, I knows the time 
when my master what is now, was nothing but a sarvint to a 
gentleman, as you may be ; — he had got a bit o' larnin at the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 233 

charity school, and knowed how to talk and count : and, by 
taking care of the perkesiles, he saved a few hundreds soon. 
He next married the cook, who had been careful too,, and 
then took a small house at Porchester — here he took care of 
number one : and now, you see, he has got one of the finest 
inns in this city, and all through taking care of the perJcesites. 
"We ostlers haven't no opportunities of that 'ere kind — we 
can't make more than twenty bobs a week, do all we can ; 
except at the Race time, or when the Fairs are held, or some 
public occasions : then, to be sure, we makes something 
handsome, or it wouldn't do by no manner o'means." 

"Yours is clever calculation, indeed/' said Claudius. 
" Ha ! ha ! ha! I suppose if I should chance to come this 
way in a few years 5 time, I shall see you a coach-master. " 

u Aye, my boy I" said Joe, " that'll be when you keep an 
inn." 

" What can this box contain V s observed Claudius, as he 
turned it about, "I should like to know. It looks, by the 
way in which it is secured, as if some thief, or otherwise some 
very suspicious person, had fastened it. Well, as it may be 
something of importance, I'll take it to the doctor, and you 
shall have the promised drop sometime in the day." So say- 
ing, our hero shouldered the box, and hasted with it to the 
rector's chamber door; and, after repeated by knocking 
with his knuckles on the pannels of the door, he succeeded 
in waking his reverence from a death-like slumber. 

" Who's there ?" demanded the doctor, not in the very 
best temper, or in the mildest tone. " Who's there, I say ?'' 

" Here is a box, Sir," replied Claudius, rt which has been 
sent for you direct from Portsmouth." 

" A box !" exclaimed the doctor. " A box for me !" 

"Yes, Sir," returned Claudius. "It is directed for you." 

"For me!" continued the rector, "and direct from Ports- 
mouth. Impossible 1 Not a soul in Portsmouth knows of 
my being here. No, no, — some imposture; a new trick in- 
tended to be played upon me, — but no, no, it will not 
succeed." 

"What am I to do with it, Sir ?" enquired our hero. 

" Take it back," said the doctor ; "take it back." 

Claudius thought of the one shilling and sixpence he had 
paid upon it, and knew that Joe would laugh at the idea of 
returning the money ; he therefore made a fresh essay to 
persuade his master to receive it. 



234 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Will you allow me to open it, Sir?" asked Claudius. 
" It appears to be something of importance by the way in 
which it is directed." 

" Does it so/ 5 returned the doctor. " Well, you may do 
so. Yes, open it, if you are certain it is directed to me." 

" Quite certain, Sir/' replied Claudius, who had his knife 
already open, and before a countermand to his commission 
to open it could have been given, even if the doctor had 
wished to have done so, the cords by which it was secured 
were cut, and in one half-minute out tumbled, — what do you 
suppose, gentle reader ? neither a dead cat, nor a live hare ; 
no, nor an infernal machine, or some combustible matter, 
which, on the touch of an affixed spring, was to explode, and 
blow out the brains of the inspector, — no, nothing of the 
kind, — but a hat ! Yes, a canonical hat ; the identical one 
which the friend of the doctor, the renowned Mr. Charles 
Augustus Montrose, had kindly taken to get cleaned by Mr. 
Brush, of Ems worth. 

" Ha ! ha! ha IV roared Claudius, as the castor lay before 
him. 

" What have you discovered," enquired the doctor, " that 
you are so delighted V 

" A hat, Sir," replied Claudius. 

" A hat !" echoed the divine. " What hat ?" 

" Your hat, Sir," answered Claudius. 

" My hat !" rejoined his reverence. " What mean you ?" 

"Why, Sir, your hat which the gentleman took to be 
cleaned at Emsworth," replied Claudius. 

" Impossible !" said the doctor. 

" Indeed it is, Sir," returned our hero, " and here is a let- 
ter also, which is directed to your worship." 

"My hat and a letter" soliloquized the doctor. " Well, 
come in, — come in. Let me see it." 

Thus directed, Claudius opened the doctor's chamber 
door, and, with the canonical beaver in one hand, and the 
letter in the other, approached the bed whereon the doctor 
was already seated in his morning gown, waiting to give au- 
dience. With the affection and joy of an old friend, his re- 
verence received his hat ; and, after examining it with close 
scrutiny for some time, to be fully assured of its identity, as 
being his own dear hat, he exclaimed, " This is wonderful ! 
It is indeed my lost hat, — and a letter too, — umph ! This, 
I suppose, will explain all I dare say the rascal has re- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 235 

pented him of his sacrilegious conduct, and while his com- 
punctions are strong upon him, is anxious to make restitu- 
tion. But have you examined the box particularly V 

"Yes, Sir," replied Claudius, " every corner of it." 

" And are you certain there is not a purse in any part of 
it ?" demanded his reverence. 

" I am quite sure there is not, Sir," answered Claudius. 

" Umph !" returned the doctor, " that looks suspicious. 
Here, put the hat carefully upon the table, while I see what 
information is contained in this scrawl. Oh ! it is plain," 
he continued, as he proceeded to break open the epistle, "as 
clear as demonstration can make it, that the hoax played 
upon me was the work of this villain. Yes, yes, — I see it 
all now ; — very strange I did not see it before. He met me 
according to his own preconcerted plan, and I must confess 
he played his part very adroitly ; but I am not in the com- 
mission of the peace if I do not punish him for it yet. So 1 
What says he ? — umph ! 

' Sir, — Allow me, in the first place, to thank you for 
the excellent dinner with which you entertained me at 
Emsworth. I can assure you, on the word of a gen- 
tleman, I never enjoyed wine more, and shall feel most 
happy to take a glass with you on some future occasion. 
I have returned your hat, as I suspected any attempt I might 
have, made to exchange it for cash would have set some evil- 
thinking person upon thinking evil of me. Your handker- 
chief I will borrow, as it will be useful ; and as for the purse, 
and the good supply it contains, I shall keep it as a token of 
kindly feeling and high respects for one whom I shall always 
be happy to serve to the best of my abilities. 
* I remain, Worshipful Sir, 

' Your steady friend, 
f Charles Augustus Montrose.' 
" The barefaced audacious scoundrel !" exclaimed the doctor 
as he finished this very polite note — " I am not ' in the com- 
mission of the peace ' if I do not punish him to the utmost 
rigour of the law; — here, Claudius." 

" Sir," replied our hero, whose gladness of spirit was 
scarcely controllable as he heard the hoax placed to the ac- 
count of Mr. Montrose, and thereby having all suspicion 
removed from himself. 

" Go immediately," said the doctor, " and tell the Inn- 
keeper I wish to see him." 



236 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Yes, Sir," said Claudius, and he retreated towards the 
door. 

"Yet stay, stay," added the rector considerately, "I'll 
take an hour to think the affair over; go and desire break- 
fast to be prepared for me in half an hour." " I will, Sir," re- 
turned our hero, and withdrew. 

The doctor instantly left his bed and proceeded to dress, 
during which engagement his mind was actively employed 
debating on the course he had better pursue in the present 
rather unpleasant state of affairs. After a while he wisely 
concluded that the best way would be to let it alone. To noise 
the hoax abroad would be, he sagely considered, unwise, as in 
that case he would become the butt of ridicule for the whole 
of his parish, and if he touched the subject at all he was con- 
vinced it would soon spread far and wide. He at once settled 
it in his mind that he could return to Christchurch at his 
leisure, as if he had performed the important business upon 
which account he had visited Chichester. His next determi- 
nation was to take an early dinner, and then travel as far as 
he might feel disposed during the remainder of the day, so as 
to shorten his journey for Saturday sufficiently to secure his 
arrival at home by the afternoon or evening. 

Thus purposing, he descended to the parlour and strove to 
make himself comfortable amidst a plentiful supply of the 
good things of this life. 

" Claudius," said the doctor, " I intend to leave here by 
three this afternoon ; you will therefore see that the horses 
are in proper condition to start by that time. 

" I will, Sir," replied Claudius, wishing at the same time 
that something might occur to prevent their leaving Chichester 
before Saturday morning. 

"The business I have to transact," continued his reverence, 
" will not engage me long, — two or three hours at the utmost; 
Dut during that time, if you wish, you may look about the 
place." 

"Thank you, Sir," replied Claudius. 

" There is one thing," observed the doctor, " I wish you 
to observe particularly,— that is, that you take no notice to 
any one, on our return home, of the unpleasant circumstances 
I have met with on my journey — Miss Georgiana would, I 
am certain, be terrified beyond bearing if she knew all." 

" I will be sure, Sir," said our hero, " to attend to every 
thing you wish me." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 237 

"And the business/' added the doctor, "which I am here 
upon, I wish no one should be informed of.' 5 

" You may depend upon it, Sir," returned Claudius, " no 
one will hear of it from me. You know, Sir," he added, " I 
am ignorant of what the business is." 

Nothing could be more true than this declaration of our 
hero ; and even the doctor himself was ignorant of any busi- 
ness he had at Chichester; — all that was known Claudius did 
know : and had his reverence been in possession of as much 
information of the cause of his travelling so far, as Claudius 
was, the " commission of the peace" would, without doubt, 
have been exercised with a vengeance upon the waggish culprit. 

After our hero had attended to his master's wishes, and 
supplied his own wants, he availed himself of the permission 
granted him, and sallied forth from the inn to feast his eyes 
with such sights as Chichester and its vicinity afforded. 

He had not proceeded one hundred yards before his eccen- 
tric mischief-loving propensities were strongly excited, and 
with all the ardour of a young lover he longed to exercise 
them. 

The place to which our hero had unconsciously strolled, 
was that airy and beautiful promenade, — and which, with the 
exercise of a little public spirit, might be rendered inimitably 
beautiful, — the North walls. The thick foliage of the lofty 
and majestic trees by which it is skirted on one side, threw a 
refreshing shade over the walk, while open and extensive 
views embraced enclosed fields, through which numerous 
heads of cattle ranged at pleasure, and gardens stocked with 
richly laden fruit-trees and bright-coloured flowers, with ha- 
bitations of various kinds, from the stately mansions of the 
wealthy to the lowly picturesque-making cottages of the poor. 
In the distance, as far as the eye could reach, the grounds be- 
longing to Goodwood, — the seat of his Grace of Richmond, — 
rose in gentle sweep, or in bold sublimity ; while forests of 
pine, fur, larch, and mountain ash, gave a fine relief to the 
background of this* natural picture, which appeared to glow 
with the warmth and life, as the rays of the bright and 
cloudless sun fell upon it. 

As Claudius sauntered on, , 

" Feeding his eye with rich and glowing scenes, 
Which seemed with ecstacy to fill his soul, 
And raise his spirit up from earth to heaven," 

his ear was saluted by the inharmonious notes of an angry 



238 THE RAMBLES OF 

huckster's voice, who was talking with more strength of 
lungs than sagacity or understanding to his sole companion 
in travel, a long-eared ass, and after the method which some 
sapient pedagogues adopt to make their pupils receive in- 
struction, followed up his addresses by heavy and quick 
blows. 

Referring to the same species of quadruped, over whose 
cold remains a distinguished living poet has poured forth 

" Some sentimental lines with sorrow rifei" 

Byron observes with biting sarcasm, 

" A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind,' 1 

In many cases it does so, but in the present instance it 
did not j for the stupid ass of a huckster had no more 
kindness in his stony heart, towards his fellow ass, than if 
the most distant connexion did not exist between them. 

Claudius turned to the point whence the sounds proceeded, 
and beheld the dumb animal, heavily laden with various 
kinds of small wares, over whose head and shoulders the 
rational brute continued most unmercifully to deal his blows 
from a rough heavy hedge-stake, for the purpose, as it 
seemed, of increasing the speed of master Neddy. 

" For shame of you," said Claudius to the fellow as he 
passed him below the wall. " Who are you ?" enquired the 
angry, fierce-looking churl ; " mind your own business, or 
I'll come and sarve you the same.? 

" I should think not," replied Claudius ; " you wouldn't 
dare treat the poor donkey as you do, if it could help itself." 

"That's my business," returned the huckster : i( the ass 
is my own, and I have a right to do what I please with my 
own property." 

" You have no right to use it so cruelly," rejoined our 
hero, " and if you do not desist, I'll see if there is not some 
person in the city who will compel you." 

" I'll dust your master's jacket for you," returned the 
fellow, " and cut those smart things off your shoulders, if 
you don't mind your own business, I tell you ;" and so say- 
'ing, he moved on, following his ass. 

The insulting way in which the huckster had referred to 
his dress, roused the ire of our hero, and he at once deter- 
mined to let loose the mischief-loving spirit which he felt 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 239 

growing stronger within, by way of retaliation ; he accord- 
ingly retraced his steps, and saw the dealer in. small wares 
enter the city, when he commenced bawling out the various 
commodities he had to dispose of. 

Claudius had not followed the huckster more than one- 
third down North Street before he saw him enter a public- 
house. This appeared a favourable opportunity for hiin to 
put his project into execution, and he embraced it with 
agility ; for, stepping into a chemist's shop, he procured a 
small quantity of turpentine, and begged a piece of lint, 
which having well saturated in the liquid gum, he stole 
up to the ass, and, with subitaneous action, succeeded, 
without being observed, in placing the wet lint under the 
animal's tail, and then retired to a distance to notice the 
result. 

In a few seconds the turpentine began to operate, and the 
hitherto taciturn, steady-paced Neddy began to sound an 
alarm, and whisk about his tail, and throw up his hind 
quarters with as much agility as the most freaksome pet- 
lamb. " Ehaw, ehaw," rang through the street, and drew 
master huckster from his cups, and a crowd of sage citizens 
round the ass. 

"Why what the dickins be come to you now?" enquired 
the huckster. 

"Ehaw, ehaw, ehaw," replied the ass, striking out his 
legs most vigorously. 

" Why what have you been doing to your donkey, Master 
Matty?" asked a lean, woe-begone-looking common council- 
man, the very counterpart of Shakspeare's starved Apothe- 
cary, having u famine in his cheeks ;" "you have been tor- 
menting your animal again : this must be seen to." 

"No, I assures you, Sir," replied Master Matty, "I 
haven't done nothing to the hannimal, I arn't touched him 
with the weight of my little finger to-day. I 'spose he has 
made up his mind to have a lark this morning — I'll give it 
to him yet," he added in an under-tone. 

At the moment the threat dropped from the huckster's 
lips, as if Master Neddy had not only heard but understood 
it, he wheeled suddenly round, bringing his hinder parts in a 
direct line with the shop window of the common councilman, 
before which the huckster was standing ; and then backing 
suddenly, he threw up his legs, and raising a louder " Ehaw. 
ehaw," than before, placed his hoofs in his alarmed master's 



240 THE RAMBLES OF 

ultimatum, and sent him flying through the bow window, to 
the utter destruction of sundry panes of glass, and the dis- 
comfiture of lots of pastry, over which he tumbled and 
roared like a baited bull. 

" Ehaw, ehaw, ehaw," again shouted the ass, and starting 
off at the top of his speed, tossed from the hampers which 
were slung across his back, cabbages, potatoes, carrots, 
onions, and various other culinary articles, while a host of 
boys and men followed the animal with shouts and laugh- 
ter. 

In a few seconds the street was lined with males and 
females, who rushed from their shops like bees from their 
hives ; to the infinite amusement of whom, unlike most 
public performers, Master Neddy continued to execute a 
number of ludicrous gymnastic feats without .seeking for a 
reward. 

Claudius felt something like regret that he had caused the 
animal pain, but that feeling was soon lost amidst the de- 
light he experienced as he witnessed the punishment the 
huckster had received, and the effects which were still 
resulting from his roguish trick. 

" Ehaw, ehaw, ehaw," continued to resound through the 
city, from the loud braying of. the ass ; and by the time he 
had reached the Cross he had succeeded in completely 
emptying his hampers, and then bolting, without asking 
leave, into a fruiterer's shop at the corner of South Street, 
he capered among oranges, nuts, and raisins, to his own 
unvarying and almost unceasing tune of " Ehaw, ehaw, 
ehaw." 

In the mean time Master Matty was cleaning his face and 
head from a quantity of raspberry jam, with which he had 
been so completely plastered as to look like a moving mass 
of raspberry tart. It was soon ascertained that all the injury 
Matty had received was a few slight cuts upon his fingers, 
without regarding which, he rushed as quickly as possible 
from the scene of destruction and ran down the street in 
pursuit of his donkey. Every step he took brought him 
into contact with scattered portions of his property, while 
the cheers and laughter of the entertained assembly as he 
passed them, rendered him for once a popular character. 

By the time that Matty reached the fruiterer's shop, his 
donkey had attained the zenith of his novel exhibition. Never 
were the feats which Neddy performed, surpassed in their 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 241 

ludicrous and extraordinary character, excepting in a danc- 
ing-room, by some aofed matron striving to imitate youth, 
or by an infirm and gouty beau paying homage at the 
shrine of beauty. 

" Come out, you confounded brute,'' exclaimed Matty, 

" Ehaw, ehaw ehaw," brayed his ass. 

" Take care," cried the honest, good-tempered fruiterer, 
whose character and commodities are not surpassed in the 
country. "Take care, or he'll send his heels through the 
window/' 

"Touch him up behind," cried some voices in the street. 

" I wish you may get it/' responded Mr. Matty, who 
feared to encounter that part of his beast a second time. 

" Why he's only gone to get a fresh load," observed 
another voice. 

" Ehaw. ehaw, ehaw," returned the Neddy. 

" Ain't he a capital dancing master :" enquire:! a bumpkin ; 
"only see how cleverly he capers to his own music." 

" Ha, ha, ha," roared the mob ; " go it, my tine un," and 
smash went another package of oranges, while the juice 
flowed over the shop floor. 

"'Ehaw, ehaw, ehaw," again chaunted the capering brute. 

After many fruitless attempts, Matty atdength succeeded 
in getting hold of the halter wmch was attached to Xeddy's 
head, at which he pulled with all his might, while the 
fruiterer behind attended to the advice of some on the out- 
side of his shop, and " stirred him up with a long pole." 

" Ehaw, ehaw, ehaw," again roared Neddy, and out he ran 
with more speed than his master, over whom he passed 
without doing any injury; and running, kicking, and bray- 
ing, turned the Cross in a moment, clearing his way of all 
obstructors, as cleverly and as gently as a squad of the 
police force would have done it. 

At the end of half an hour the effects of the turpentine 
passed off, and Neddy once more became mild and tractable : 
or, as his master declared, " as gentle and quiet as a sucking 
lamb, as he always was after his trick was over." 

The sympathy of the kind-hearted citizens was excited 
towards Matty, and in consideration of the amusement they 
had enjoyed, and the loss he had sustained, a subscription 
was set on foot for him, by which he realized more profit 
than he had sustained injury ; while the conviction fastened 



242 THE RAMBLES OF 

upon his mind, that the vagaries of his ass were a punish- 
ment inflicted for his past cruelty ; and he determined, and 
kept his resolve, never to treat it unkindly in future, so that 
the short pain it endured through Claudius's frolic, resulted 
in an entire exemption from all harsh treatment. 

However great our hero's wish might have been to remain 
at Chichester until Saturday morning, his desire underwent 
a sudden and entire revolution, and he now felt equally 
anxious to leave the place. The lint which he had placed 
under Neddy's tail had been discovered and abstracted, and 
suspicions began to circulate, which excited the fears of 
Claudius that his trick might be discovered ; and he already 
half imagined that he felt the wrath of the people of Chi- 
chester, in every kind of filth that clean city could furnish , 
poured upon him. 



CHAPTER XIX. 

«« Arnold. — Mean you the gentleman 

Whose transformations, like an harlequin's, 
Are multifarious and of novel sort? 
Ribold. — The same, good Arnold : keep him in your eye — 
A fellow most expert at business, 
Who sword or wallet wears with equal grace.' 

The Spanish Bravo. 

When poor Burns wished one of the best wishes he ever 
did wish, he exclaimed, 

" O that some power the gift would gie us 
To see oursels as others see us !" 

The sentiment contained in the whole stanza is rich, and the 
stanza itself is beautiful ; the first line of it we almost feel 
tempted to adopt ourselves, and wish " that some power the 
gift would give us," to write poetry ! as in that case we 
might describe, in language befitting the occasion and sub- 
ject, the feelings which possessed Claudius as he retired to 
the stable of the inn, and might then tell of the " leaden- 
winged hours," the " lagging periods of time," and a thou- 
sand other things, all contained in stock poetic expres- 
sions ; besides weary, tiresome, and fatiguing moments 
which appeared to lengthen as they passed away, until the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 243 

appointed period came at which the doctor had determined 
to dine. But in this case we feel, 

" Wishes would be vain, desires fruitless all." 

The divine spirit of poetry has been so long grieved and 
vexed by the vile imitations of leaden-headed, would-be 
poets — the indifference with which some of the greatly 
gifted have treated the "influence divine," and the gross insult 
and cruel neglect which the struggling genius of others 
of her favoured, but poor proteges, have received from the 
ignorant, purse-proud, and the mercenary dealers in the 
proceeds of other men's brains, that she appears almost to 
have deserted this part of our world. I am, therefore, 
obliged to narrate in the plain and unadorned language of 
simple prose, that which would, in the graceful and adorning 
dress of poetry, have appeared to so much greater advantage. 

The hour, the long wished-for (by Claudius) hour of 
dinner came. The doctor commenced and finished his 
meal, then washed his hands, and then washed down the 
solids he had consumed with sundry glasses of wine ; while 
our hero did the best his fear of detection allowed him, 
which was but little, and then very cheerfully attended to 
his master's commands to see the horses were ready for 
their journey, 

As the clattering hoofs of Mayflower struck fire from the 
rough stones in West Street while following Ithurea, the 
sounds were more agreeable to the ears of Claudius than 
were the " full-toned " organ's notes which in lofty swells 
were now pealing through the long and lofty aisles of the 
Cathedral on his left ; he only wished he could strike the 
rowels of his master's spurs into the flanks of the horse he 
rode, that he might thereby have provoked and increased 
her speed. 

The pleasant village of Fishbourn was soon gained and 
passed ; and, as at a smart trot they left the habitations of 
man behind them, the dull spirit of our hero became more 
and more buoyant; and at length all fear of detection sub- 
siding with increasing distance, he had leisure to reflect upon 
the scenes he had witnessed during the morning ; and while 
he thought them over, felt himself so convulsed with laugh- 
ter as to be scarcely able to sit erect in the saddle. 

The reflections and feelings of his worship were of a very 
different character from those of his servant. He had been 

m2 



244 THE RAMBLES OF 

befooled and, as he judged, robbed by the same audacious 
villain ; — had been soused in dirty water, — hand- cuffed as a 
felon, — and taken to be an insane person, — and was now re- 
turning to his home and his parish with almost unbearable 
misgivings of mind that by some means the secret of his 
perils and mishaps might get out, and then, in all probability, 
the laugh of the ignorant and profane might be raised against 
the learned and reverend magistrate. 

As he drew near Emsworth, the recollection of the ridicu- 
lous figure he had cut at the inn on the preceding day, de- 
termined him to pass through the town with as much speed 
as possible without exciting particular notice, while Claudius 
looked forward with sanguine expectations of making his se- 
cond appearance there, and laughing over the adventures with 
the servants in the house. 

" Claudius," said the doctor, partially reining in his horse 
to allow our hero to come up with him, — " I wish to pass 
through Emsworth without being known ; therefore, when 
you approach the inn at which we stopped yesterday, I de- 
sire you to follow me quickly, and by no means look to- 
wards it." 

" I will do as your worship wishes," returned Claudius ; 
"but is it not possible, Sir, that some information maybe ob- 
tained of the fellow who so greatly abused your reverence if 
you were to call ?" 

" Why, true, true," replied the doctor ; " you are a shrewd 
lad, Claudius, and if you continue to improve, and are steady, 
notwithstanding your mean origin, you may, as Whittington 
did, rise to honour. I should not, indeed," continued his 
worship, " be surprised if one day you were to be placed in 
the commission of the peace." 

" I hope if I ever should be so honoured," said Claudius 
to himself, " that I shall not keep a servant to hoax me." 

"Well, — as you observe," resumed the rector, after a few 
moments' consideration, "it is possible information may be 
received, and therefore, — but no, no, — I will not stop there 
to-day." 

" If the rogue should have been taken, Sir," resumed our 
hero, "he will, in all probability, be retained at the inn a short 
time." 

" Why, that is true," added the doctor, — " that alters the 
case, — and, — still I think," he observed, musing, — " 1 think 
I shall not call." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 245 

Claudius felt determined not to be beaten, and therefore, 
returning to the charge, he observed, — " Perhaps, Sir, the 
gentleman from London may be there, and if so, would it not 
be desirable, your worship, to give Mm information?" 

"How said you?" returned the magistrate, "give him 
information ?" 

" Respecting the return of your hat, your reverence," re- 
plied Claudius, scarcely able to retain the gravity of counte- 
nance he had put on. 

'* Aye, true, true," responded the doctor, — " ha I ha 1 ha ! — 
that had escaped me, — yes, yes, such information is essen- 
tially necessary to be communicated, it may possibly lead to 
detection, — we will stop ; — and yet, — now I think again, — I 
will not stop ; — no, no, — you shall call there and, from me, 
make the necessary enquiries. Say I have received my hat, 
with a most insulting note, — but no,— -don't mention the note; 
the insults I have received, so far as known, are quite suffi- 
cient ; if more is told, I shall be taken for an arrant fool, — do 
not mention the note. If the officer should be there, desire 
him, from me, to proceed directly to Portsmouth, and if he 
apprehends the villain, to acquaint me of it forthwith. I will 
ride on to Cosham. You will attend to my directions with 
all possible despatch, and then come to me at the principal 
inn of the place I have named, where I will wait your 
coming." 

"I will be sure and obey your orders, Sir," returned 
Claudius. 

Just then they crossed the bridge which separates the 
counties of Sussex and Hampshire, and ascended the hill 
with which Emsworth commences, at an easy pace, until 
having reached the point which turns directly on the right, 
bringing the inn in view at which the farce of yesterday was 
performed, the doctor pressed the rowels of his spurs against 
the sides of Ithurea : away she went like the wind, and in less 
than a minute and a half he descended the street on the op- 
posite side of the town, and stretching along as fine a piece 
of ground as cattle ever trod, in a short time entered and 
passed the villages which intervene between Emsworth and 
Cosham, and at the latter place, according to his appoint- 
ment, he put up. 

In pursuance of the order he had received, our hero halted 
at the Crown, by the host of which celebrated inn he was 
immediately recognised; from whom, as well as from the 



246 THE RAMBLES OF 

hostler, who came to take away Mayflower, he received a 
hearty greeting. 

" Well, my lad," said Boniface as he entered the house, 
" I am glad to see you safe back again ; — how far is his wor- 
ship behind?" 

" Behind what ?" asked Claudius. 

" Why, behind his squire," returned mine host ; " you 
have ridden forward, I suppose, to announce him ?" 

"Not exactly so," replied Claudius; "I always keep my 
place, and doing so, keep behind my master ! He has passed 
through your to,wn, Sir, and by this time, I have no doubt, 
is half-way on the road to Havant." 

" Is he so ?" returned the landlord, changing from the warm 
bland tone with which he had first addressed our hero, to one 
distant and chilling — " pray what may be your squireship's 
wishes ?" 

M I have called by order of my master," returned Claudius, 
" to inform you that he has received his hat, which was re- 
turned him safely by the Portsmouth coach." 

" Indeed," observed Boniface, f* and what then ?" 

" Why, then," said Claudius, (i he wishes to know if any 
information has yet been received respecting the thief ?" 

" Oh, is that all ?" returned mine host ; " e Let every man 
look well to his own business, and every man will have full 
employment/ is my motto : now, as that is no business of 
mine, I don't trouble my head about it." 

" Well, — but my master supposed you might have heard 
something about him," returned Claudius. 

" Umph 1" said my landlord, " I have as much of my own 
concerns to attend to as I can manage, as indeed every honest 
man has ; — your master must learn to look at his company 
before he becomes friends with them." 

Our* hero felt astonished at the change both in tone and 
conduct which the lately cringing and fawning landlord dis- 
played ; he had yet to learn that a mercenary, ignoble-minded 
wretch makes his own interests the centre and circumfer- 
ence of his desires ; to compass this he can become every 
thing, and give up almost every thing ; — he connects himself 
with the family of man only so far as this all-engrossing ob- 
ject can be promoted. So it was with the landlord of the 
Crown ; — his expectation of obtaining the further and good 
custom of the doctor, made him wondrous kind to Claudius 
on his arrival ; but on finding that would not be experienced, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 247 

he gave loose to the ill manners of his greedy nature, and 
ceased to be civil. 

Claudius had purposed to have taken some refreshment, 
but finding the insulting conduct of the landlord increased as 
the conversation progressed, determined at once to curtail its 
quantum by cutting short his visit, and therefore, making as 
low a bow as the celebrated King Nash was wont to do when, 
during the palmy days of his sovereignty, he conducted the 
ceremonies at Bath, he left the selfish host, and hasted to the 
stable for his horse, and after a halt at the Crown for some- 
thing less than half an hour, cantered after his master at hisr 
leisure, — 

**N«w fast, no'v slow, 

As fancy led him ; 
Entranced by scenes long fam'd in story, — 
Portsdown and Portsmouth, — Hampshire's glory," 

On reaching Cosham our hero had but little difficulty in 
finding the doctor, as the best inn, and the best room in the 
best inn, where the best, the very best accommodation and 
provisions could be obtained, was invariably — and without 
doubt, very properly — selected by his reverence for the enjoy- 
ment and gratification of his well-beloved self. 

Having well bestowed Mayflower in a warm stable, beside 
the stall occupied by Ithurea, Claudius proceeded to the par- 
lour in which the doctor was sitting, in order to furnish him 
with an account of the success of his mission to the Crown Inn. 

u Well, Claudius," observed the rector, as our hero entered 
the room where the jolly magistrate was making every rea- 
sonable effort of which he was capable to drive away the un- 
pleasant reflections to which the mischances of his journey had 
given birth, by liberal potations of some excellent Port and an 
earthen tube: — "Well, Claudius, have you obtained any in- 
formation touching the business upon which I sent you to 
the Crown r" 

"No, Sir," replied Claudius, "not exactly so/' 

"Umph," returned the doctor. "I suppose, then, no 
tidings have been received of the villain." 

"Not any that I could hear of," said Claudius. 

"Umph, repeated the magistrate; — "What said the land- 
lord ? did he express any hopes of success in the affair ?" 

" None whatever, Sir," answered our hero ; indeed, he has 
no hopes on the subject; it is very evident, Sir, he feels no 
concern about the matter." 



248 THE RAMBLES OF 

"How!" said the doctor, sharply, — "no hopes, — no con- 
cern ?" 

"None whatever, rejoined Claudius, "nor wishes either, if 
his conduct and language may be believed." 

" Why did he not at once enter heartily into the business ?" 
interrogated his worship ; — "Did he not appear to feel anxious 
the villain might be apprehended ?" 

." Not in the least, Sir," answered Claudius ; all he said 
was that he had business enough of his own to attend to 
without troubling himself with that which belonged to other 
persons." 

" I am not in the commission of the peace," exclaimed his 
worship, " if I do not half suspect there is some collision be- 
tween the parties : — said he nothing more ?" 

" Nothing, Sir," replied Claudius. — " O yes, Sir ; — I beg 
pardon; — now I remember he did say something else ; — he 
observed your reverence should learn to lookatyour company 
before you becomes friends with them." 

" The varlet, — the audacious fellow I" — roared the doctor, 
spluttering with rage ; — " What does he mean to insinuate ? 
Well, well, he has lost my custom for ever, and the advantage 
of my recommendation, by his conduct. If he were within 
the range of my influence as a magistrate, I'd make him feel 
the impropriety of his freedom of speech at the quarter ses- 
sions : the renewal of his license should at least be suspended 
upon suspicion. Such upstart, prating, low-bred hinds, 
want putting down ; and if some change be not speedily 
effected, I see most plainly that the influence and respect- 
ability which belong to a justice of the peace will be lost. — I'll 
see to it, however ; — a change must and shall be brought 
about. This levelling system we owe to the spirit of radical- 
ism, which is spreading like poisonous leaven through the 
entire mass of the population. All distinction and order will 
soon be abolished, that's plain, and no gentleman will be at 
liberty either to do or say what he pleases : — monstrous 1" 

How long the wine and temper-heated divine would have 
continued his vituperation, or to what broad expressions he 
would have given utterance in reference to the anticipated 
compression of the power and privilege of a gentleman J — alias, 
an aristocrat — is impossible to conceive, so glibely did his 
tongue manage the subject, had he not been cut short in his 
voluble display by the entrance of a venerable-looking person- 
age, attended by a servant-man in handsome livery. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 249 

"Pardon me, Sir," said the apparently infirm stranger, ad- 
dressing himself to the doctor; " I fear I am intruding,— I 
will retire." 

" By no means, Sir," returned the doctor, as the stranger 
turned towards the door as if to leave the room, — " I shall feel 
honoured by your company." 

The gentleman bowed politely and courteously. 

" John," he observed to his servant, in a weak and tremu- 
lous voice, "look well to the horses, and see that every thing 
is in readiness for my leaving in one hour." 

" I will, my lord," replied John, as he bowed and left the 
apartment. 

" My lord/' said the doctor to himself — for that powerful 
monosyllable had been pronounced most distinctly, or other- 
wise there was a certain talismanic influence in it which 
rendered the most dull and heavy ear and head quick of 
understanding. 

" Aha," yawned his lordship, as, after seating himself in 
a large arm-chair, he stretched his aged limbs with lordly 
freedom, and to a lordly extent ; " It has been intensely hot 
to day, Sir." 

The doctor replied in the affirmative. 

" I feel particularly happy," rejoined his lordship, " at 
this unexpected meeting with a gentleman of the church, as, 
if I mistake not, Sir, you are." 

" I am an unworthy member of that distinguished body," 
returned the doctor, with considerable truth. 

4 'Ah," said his lordship, " I conceived I must be right — 
we, Sir, who have to do with courts and kings, have too 
little intercourse with gentlemen of your calling ; they are 
seldom or never found there — that is, Sir, in their sacred 
character ; at court they become in spirit lords and courtiers 
— each one carousing with the spirit of a Rochester, is a 
patronage and place-hunter. I love the church, Sir, I may 
say adore her ; I always feel anxious to support and uphold 
the dignity of the clergy, and by that means I feel confident 
I uphold my own." 

" You- are perfectly correct in your judgment, my lord," 
responded the doctor, flattered, as he felt he was, by the 
company of a peer, and the compliment he had paid the 
ploth. " You can furnish no evidence of more conclusive 
character than the upholding the dignity of the clergy, of 
your being a true member of the church." 

m 5 



250 THE RAMBLES OF 

" You will excuse me, Sir," rejoined his lordship, "but I 
feel the pride of an English lord strong within me ; it is, I 
suppose, hereditary, but I never mix in com^my freely with- 
out knowing with whom I associate. May I be favoured 
with the name of the gentleman with whom it has been my 
good fortune to meet?" 

If the doctor had felt any thing like objection to make 
known who and what he was, he could not, in the present 
instance, have indulged in such propensity. The appearance 
of his lordship was prepossessing in the highest degree. 
His hair, which was of snowy whiteness, hung in natural 
ringlets about his shoulders, being parted with beautiful 
exactness down the centre of the front of his head. His 
face was finely formed, and notwithstanding the venerable 
and slightly bent form of his person, had still, when closely 
viewed, all the fire and expressiveness of youth about it ; while 
in his manners there was a winning suavity, a courtly ease, 
which, when associated as it was with the title of lord, was per- 
fectly irresistible. There is, indeed, little doubt that if he 
had been as ignorant as a wild Caffre or as rude as an un- 
taught dweller of the Polar regions, that fascinating and 
transforming sound of lord would have changed his igno- 
rance into wisdom, and his barbarian vulgarity into a novel 
point of fashion. What has frequently been, may occur 
again. 

" I feel flattered, my lord," rejoined the doctor, " by your 
question — I am Doctor Titheum, rector of Christchurch, 
and have the honour to hold a commission for the peace in 
the county of Hants." 

" Ah i indeed !" exclaimed his lordship. " Doctor Titheum, 
I am most happy to meet you; I have heard your name 
mentioned frequently, with high commendation of your ex- 
tensive legal, as well as theological knowledge, and your 
particularly close attention to the duties of your office. Have 
I not had the pleasure of meeting you before ? my memory 
is somewhat treacherous now, yet I half fancy I have done 
so." 

"Never, that I am aware of, my lord," returned the 
doctor ; " indeed, I am certain you never did." 

" Well, Sir, I may be in error here," replied his lordship, 
but of one thing I am quite certain, and that is, that Lord 
Prigall, of Fillchum manor, in Radnorshire, will always be 
right glad to meet Doctor Titheum, either there or at his 
town residence." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 251 

w My lord/ 5 returned the rector, " I feel flattered by your 
lordship's very polite invitation : and yet it is exceedingly 
singular that I have no recollection of ever having heard of 
a manor in Radnorshire bearing such name as — " 

" Why that is very likely/' interrupted his lordship ; " I 
have but recently come into the possession of it ; and as I 
feel desirous to honour the memory of the man from whom 
I inherit it, I have called it by his name." 

" Ah, indeed," responded the doctor, " that accounts for 
my ignorance. Allow me, my lord/' continued the doctor, 
" to pledge you — may your lordship live long to enjoy your 
possession." 

"You are very kind, Doctor Titheum, very kind indeed," 
returned my lord Prigall, " and I sincerely thank you." 

" Your lordship will, I hope, oblige by taking a glass of 
wine with me at this our first interview," said his reverence. 
"With great pleasure, my dear doctor," returned his 
lordship. " I am more happy than I can express to meet 
you here, doctor," he added, as he raised the glass to his 
lips and sipped it. " It it rather acid, I fear — I dare not 
take it ; the truth is, I have given over drinking any thing 
but Champagne, a considerable time past ; you will, there- 
fore, I hope, assist me in a bottle." So saying, he partly 
rose to pull the bell, when the doctor, with the agility of a 
youth, anticipated him, observing, " Do not trouble yourself, 
my lord ; I am your junior, although a little over my 
teens — ha, ha, ha ; allow me to meet your wishes. Bring 
me a bottle of Champagne," he added, as the landlord 
appeared. 

" No, no, doctor," returned his lordship, " it must be my 
order — nay," he continued, as the doctor was about to 
remonstrate — " I insist upon it." 

" If your lordship will allow me to have it in my power," 
replied the rector, "to say that your lordship has taken a 
glass of wine with me, I shall feel obliged." 

" Well, well," rejoined the easy and good-natured lord, 
shaking his venerable sides with laughter, " you gentlemen 
of the church have a privilege of directing us, and we are 
bound to attend to your directions, — I yield the point." 

The wine was placed upon the table, and in a short time 
the old lord proved that he could keep pace with the wine- 
loving doctor in swallowing Champagne, so that a second 
bottle was speedily required. 



252 THE RAMBLES OF 

" You will excuse me, doctor/' said his lordship, " but I 
have just thought of a memorandum I wish to make, for the 
information of a friend; it will not engage me two minutes." 
So saying, he took a slip of paper from his pocket-book, and 
with a pencil made the notice he had referred to. Having 
so done, he folded it up, and placed it in one of his waistcoat 
pockets. 

So greatly did the doctor relish the company of Lord 
Prigall and the sparkling Champagne, that if the noble lord 
had been disposed to remain at Cosham the whole of the 
night, his worship would have neither felt or displayed any dis- 
position to separate from such good company. As, however, 
his lordship's business required haste, he rose for the pur- 
pose of summoning his servants ; but such was his age and 
infirmity that he staggered, and would have fallen on the floor 
if, fortunately, the doctor had not caught him. He rested 
himself a moment or two on his lordship's arm, and then re- 
seated himself in his chair, expressing, his obligations for the 
assistance he had received. 

A third bottle was placed upon the table ; when his lord- 
ship, after drinking two glasses more, directed his horse to be 
brought out immediately ; and then, bidding the doctor 
" good evening and a pleasant ride," seated himself in his 
saddle, and, followed by his servant, set off in the direction 
of Portsmouth. 

As the doctor felt no inclination to leave what he should 
have to pay for, he set to, with a hearty will and good spirit, 
to finish what remained of the third bottle of Champagne ; 
which, as he performed the pleasing task leisurely, occupied 
nearly one hour after his lordship had taken his leave. 

As the last drop of the last glass drained into the doctor's 
mouth, he felt sleep's soothing power steal gradually over 
him : — he had before done his utmost to repulse its influence, 
and had partially succeeded ; but now nature felt vanquished 
beneath the continued attack. Stretching himself com- 
posedly in the large chair which he occupied, he in a few se- 
conds was engaged presenting his free-will offerings at the 
shrine of the oblivious god Somnus. 

As the business-minding landlord felt it to be no business 
of his to keep awake, or awake out of sleep, his comfortable 
guest, he allowed him, without any disturbance, to sleep his 
sleep out. 

During the profound state of unconsciousness into which 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 253 

the doctor had fallen, he — as many others before and since 
his day have done — dreamed ! and in that dream what strange 
and wild fantasies perplexed him. "Thieves ! thieves V es- 
caped in muttered accents from his lips ; " Murder \" and 
"Fire!" followed. 

As if pursued by a legion of bloodthirsty bandits, the doc- 
tor strove to run ; but an invisible hand held him and pre- 
vented his flight. He writhed and struggled in his roomy 
arm-chair, and then threw about his arms with strange velo- 
city ; and as he again shouted in louder tones than before, 
"Thieves! thieves! — murder!" he stretched forth his legs 
with a powerful action, as if a strong charge from a galva- 
nic battery had been forced into his system, determining 
.in his perturbed imagination to escape from his assailants, 
when the table, on which stood the remains of his Port-wine, 
with bottles, glasses, &c. &c, received the quick plunge, and 
in an instant the loud crash of bottles and glasses, — the frag- 
ments of which bestrewed the floor, — roused the sleeper from 
his slumber, and brought the landlord and two or three ser- 
vants into the room. 

" Thieves ! thieves 1" again shouted the doctor, standing 
upon his feet amidst the destruction he had produced ; and 
then rubbing open his eyes and looking round him with the 
utmost consternation, he enquired, "What have I done ?" 

" What is the matter, Sir ?" enquired mine host, for the 
darkness of the apartment prevented his perceiving at the 
moment the ruin which had been wrought. 

"I have, I believe, been asleep for the last half-hour," re- 
turned the doctor, " and have been haunted by a most dis- 
tressing dream ;— I question if I have not done some little 
mischief — however, I will meet whatever expenses the damage 
done may come to. I feel happy at having escaped so well 
as I have from the robbers and murderers by whom I have 
been pursued. But what is the hour, landlord?" he en- 
quired. 

" Nearly half-past nine, Sir," returned mine host.. 

" Half-past nine !" roared his reverence, — " Never ; it 
can't be, — you are jesting." 

" I assure you, Sir," said the landlord, " I make a true 
report ; 'tis nearly half-past nine." 

"Astonishing!" returned the doctor. — "Why now, I per- 
ceive, the light has passed away, and it must be as you say,- 
is it possible I can have slept nearly four hours :" 



254 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I cannot tell how long you have slept, Sir," answered 
Boniface ; " but I have looked in several times, and, finding 
you fast asleep, did not feel myself warranted to wake you." 

" This is most extraordinary," said the doctor. — " Never 
in my life have I committed myself in such a way before. 
Your wine must, certainly, have qualities in it of an unusual 
character." 

" My wine, Sir," replied the landlord, (< is the most ge- 
nuine in quality, and fresh from the wood. I can pledge all 
I possess on the truth of my statement. 

" Astonishing!" repeated the doctor, musing. — "It was 
my full intention to have left three hours since for Lichfield; 
but that is out of the question now, and I must from necessity 
become your guest for the night." 

" I shall be happy, Sir, to accommodate you," said the 
landlord, "and, I flatter myself, your wishes will be fully 
met — my accommodations are of the best kind. Gentlemen 
of the highest respectability have favoured me with their com- 
pany, and, without an exception, have professed themselves 
gratified on leaving. Here, Mary!" shouted mine host, 
placing his mouth close to the door, which he held ajar, 
" bring some candles immediately." 

" Before the ordered lights had shed their cheerful radiance 
through the room, the table had been placed upon its own 
foundation ; and as the landlord departed to prepare a sup- 
per for the doctor, Mary appeared at the door with a pair of 
mould candles. 

" Well, I declare !" shouted the startled girl, as she stum- 
bled over the fragments which still covered the floor, " here 
is something vastly wrong. Whatever can have befallen this 
'ere room ? — if I doesn't think it is bewitched. Why, it was 
only last week that our parson broke all the glasses on the 
table in consequence of a quarrel with Mr. Mouldycrust, the 
Overseer, consarnin a poor woman who was starved to death, 
and about a new church rate, I think they called it ; but, as 
I never gets no time to go to the church, I understands as 
much about it as a Hottentot ; and as I can't read much, I 
don't know if it is to be found in all the Bible ; — but I dare 
say it is, or the parson wouldn't wish it." 

" Well, well, my good girl," said the doctor, " mind your 
own business, talk less, and let those who are paid for it ma- 
nage affairs above your comprehension." 

" Talk less, Sir !" returned Mary, looking the doctor full 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 255 

in the face with all the expression in her countenance of a 
woman who felt that one of her highest delights and native 
prerogatives was invaded by the rector's recommendations to 
her to hold her tongue, — " Hold my tongue, Sir I" she re- 
plied. " Well, things are coming to a pretty pass, indeed ! 
Umph ! — Poor people now are neither to think nor speak ! 
Ton my word, if it ain't enough to drive all the people to 
America, where, as I understands, servants ain't servants, but 
are considered as good as their betters, and are allowed to 
talk just as much as they please, and no contradiction. I 
don't wish to talk, Sir, I assure you ; I ain't in the habit of 
doing so ; — nevertheless, it ain't pleasant to be told not to do 
it. I never likes to be compulsioned to do or not to do any 
thing. I suppose," she continued, commencing at the same 
time to gather up the fragments of the broken glasses, &c, 
" I suppose talking is all I shall get for clearing away this 
mess." 

" What is your name, my good girl?" observed the doctor. 

" My name, Sir, is Mary," she replied ; " or if you please, 
Sir, ' quiet Mary,' as I am called." 

" Well, Mary Quiet," said the doctor, " I—" 

"No, Sir, if you please, — quiet Mary," interrupted the 
silent girl. 

" Quiet Mary, then," returned the doctor, " here is a trifle 
for your trouble in clearing away this mess, which by acci- 
dent I have caused ;" and so saying, he handed her a shilling. 

" Thank you, Sir," said Mary, dropping a curtsy, and 
giving a smile, which together, by many a connoisseur in those 
kind of things, would have been considered worth at least a 
score such pieces of silver. 

" One thing remember, Mary," observed the doctor, as 
she retired ; — " But for your tongue you would have had twice 
the sum you have received." 

" Indeed, Sir," returned Mary, " Indeed, I am obliged to 
you ; for the future," she added, mistaking the doctor's 
meaning, " I will be sure to attend to your advice : and when 
next I go into the company of a gentleman, I'll give up be- 
ing quiet, and talk as much as I can ; and then, perhaps, 
where I now get one shilling I shall get two." So saying, 
Mary curtsied again, and left the doctor alone, smiling at her 
simplicity and cacoethes loquendi. 



256 THE RAMBLES OF 



CHAPTER XX. 

" Take care, take care of your money-bags ho ! 
The robbers are lurking about ; 
Foul words and hard blows the caitiffs bestow, 
And fright with their horrible shout. 

"Ho, ho! but they're cowards, they flee, they flee, 
Although loudly 'revenge!' they cry, — 
Up, up, and pursue them, for friends are we, 
And rather well perish than fly." 

Border Ballads. 

The doctor had just finished his breakfast on Saturday morn- 
ing, and quiet Mary, after serving him, had retired for the 
purpose of desiring her master to send in his bill, when his 
worship prepared to meet the demand by taking his purse 
from his pocket. At the moment he did so, the landlord en- 
tered with a slip of paper, resembling in length a " bill of 
/are" rather than a " bill of charge." As the eyes of the 
doctor fell upon his purse, he started and stared as if the 
fearful head of a basilisk had protruded from the silken net ; 
while from his lips came forth an expression of mingled sur- 
prise and alarm. 

" Bless me !" said his reverence, after a few seconds' pause, 
during which time he continued to gaze as if horror-stricken 
at the purse, — " Bless me ! what can all this mean ? Surely, 
as Mary said, this room must be troubled — at least I am." 

ts What is amiss, Sir r" enquired the landlord, alarmed in 
his turn by the strange language and still stranger looks of 
his reverence. 

"What's amiss?" roared the divine, — "Why, my purse 
has undergone a change in colour, most extraordinary and 
unaccountable, since I came to your house yesterday after- 
noon — thenit was green, — now, as you perceive, it is yellow!" 

" I see the purse in your hand, Sir," returned the land- 
lord, M is yellow, and so it must have been yesterday. You 
have made a mistake, Sir." 

" No such thing," returned the doctor ; " I am positive 
what I state is correct: my purse, when I entered your house, 
was green." 

" You may soon satisfy your mind, Sir," resumed the 
landlord, " by referring to its contents, — if they have not un- 
dergone an equal change with the colour of the purse." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 257 

"Good," said the doctor; "mine had in it something 
above twenty pounds in gold — this appears heavy : still the 
change in its colour is astonishing. Pll see, however, how 
far the sum and character of its contents agree with what it 
had in it last evening." 

So saying, the doctor poured upon the table the contents 
of the yellow purse, when, instead of gold, — 

*' Forth roll'd a tide of bright but baser /Coin 
Than that which heads of majesty adorn ; 
New farthings glitter'd on the shining table ;— 
"With wild amaze, and loud as he was able, 
The owner shriek'd, and cried with words uncivil, 
1 The house is troubled, or by thieves or devil !' " 

The lines we have quoted from the pen of a distinguished 
bard of the olden times, as finely portray the result of the 
exhibition as if they had been produced for the occasion. 

"There!" exclaimed the doctor; " what think you now, 
landlord?" 

" Why, I begin to think/' returned mine host, " that I 
smell a rat. I am not to be bamboozled, depend upon it ; — 
.no, no, I am too wide awake for things of that sort. Do you 
suppose, now, you are going to play such a trick upon me ?" 

"Bamboozled !— - tricked I" exclaimed the doctor, jump- 
ing on his feet. 

" Aye, aye, — be quiet, now," returned the mild and un- 
moved landlord, who really imagined the doctor was an ad- 
venturous swindler from London, who was endeavouring to 
play off a trick upon a country inn-keeper. — " Don't disturb 
yourself," he added ; " we'll make it all right. You knew 
as well before as now, all about your yellow purse, or your 
green purse, or whatever else colour you please, — as well as 
of its bright contents." 

" Sir," retorted his reverence, with increasing warmth, 
" do you mean to insinuate that I am a rogue, or that I—" 

" I do not mean to insinuate any thing," returned Boni- 
face, in the same cool determined way; but I do declare 
plainly and without any insinuation, that my bill must be dis- 
charged. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, and can- 
not, therefore, allow you to leave my house until a settlement 
has taken place." 

So greatly had the doctor been astonished by the trans- 
formation he had witnessed in the changing of his gold to 
farthings, that a folded paper that had fallen from the purse 



258 THE RAMBLES OF 

with the " small coin," had, until the present moment, es- 
caped his notice. Now, however, it attracted his attention ; 
and, taking it up, he opened it, and to his utmost consterna- 
tion read from it as follows : — 

" To the Reverend Dr. Titheum, Rector of Christchurch, and 
Magistrate in the County of Hants. 

" Sir, — Notwithstanding your denial of having been in 
my company before to-day, you will, no doubt, recollect the 
time and place of our meeting when you have read this note. 
I have been compelled to adopt the dress and character I have 
assumed on the present occasion to prevent annoying delays 
from those who might desire my company. For your Cham- 
pagne to-day I thank you ; as also for your prompt assistance 
when I was about to fall : my object then was to exchange 
purses with you, having enclosed this note in mine ; — I need 
not inform you I succeeded while leaning on your arm. I 
hope the potion with which I have enriched your wine, will 
take effect by sending you fast asleep for a few hours, as in 
that case I shall be able to take a fresh dress and ride a few 
miles distant. 

" For all past favours, my dear Sir, accept my acknowledg- 
ments ; and when next I have the pleasure of meeting you, 
believe me I shall be most happy to prove how much and 
how truly I am yours to serve. 

" Lord Prigall, 

Alias C. A. Montrose. " 

" P. S. I hope you will not forget to call at Filchit manor- 
house, soon — ha I ha! ha!" 

" There, Sir !" exclaimed the doctor ; the eyes of whose 
understanding were by this polite epistle immediately opened. 
" There is an explanation of as dark and vile a transaction as 
ever a gentleman was duped by ; — but I am not in the ( com- 
mission of the peace 3 if this unparalleled impudent villain's 
deserts shall not be fully met." 

The very peculiar circumstances in which the doctor had 
oeen, and was still placed, were soon explained, much more 
to the satisfaction of the landlord than his own gratification. 
The former trick which this soi-disant lord had played his 
worship, and the loss he had now sustained, excited the best 
feelings of mine host, who at once begged his reverence 
would make himself perfectly easy concerning his bill, as the 
amount could be remitted at his leisure ; while to meet his 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 259 

present necessities on his way home, he tendered the loan of 
whatever sum he might name. 

" Necessity has no law/ 3 is an adage as common as rogues 
and thieves in London; — on the present occasion the reve- 
rend magistrate felt its influence : and, with whatever degree 
of reluctance he might have yielded to its power, yet, yield 
he did ; and, acknowledging the kindness of the landlord, he 
accepted a proffered five pounds,~giving an order upon his 
banker for it and the amount he owed, — and then, having 
issued magisterial directions and commands for the pursuit of 
Lord Prigall, alias Charles Augustus Montrose, he once more 
made a movement towards home. 

Claudius felt delighted beyond measure at the variety and 
beauty of the scenes through which he rode ; and whether he 
ascended the side of a lofty eminence, or descended into a 
valley, he felt equally gratified : while with both, and every 
thing beside, the doctor felt displeased and offended. His 
mind turned, with tormenting constancy, to the unprecedented 
circumstances through which he had passed, in consequence 
of the hoax that had been played upon him ; and while the in- 
sult to his dignity, and the losses he had sustained, stood full 
before his view, with all the aggravating circumstances which 
might yet arise from his journey to Chichester, he felt half 
frantic. Claudius, on the other hand, applauded himself for 
the ability he had displayed in the affair, and felt pleased alike 
with an escape from suspicion, and the enjoyment he had 
experienced. 

With hard and silent riding, — for the doctor displayed no 
inclination to converse by the way, — they reached Titchfleld 
in time for dinner ; having taken which, the doctor, as usual 
(notwithstanding his desire to reach home before night-fall), 
could not resist the strong inclination he felt to indulge his 
fleshly appetite with one half-pint of Port, and a small quan- 
tity of Indian weed. 

While thus enjoying himself in the parlour, Claudius, who 
had managed long before the doctor commenced his feed, to 
satisfy the cravings of a hungry stomach, had strolled forth 
by the side of the river Aire, — which, to the great comfort and 
advantage of the dwellers in Titchfleld, runs through the 
town, — and was surveying with pleasure the beauties of the 
place, and its admirable roadstead which was seen in the dis- 
tance, with several vessels riding in Tit ch field-bay, near the 
mouth of Southampton-water. 



260 THE RAMBLES OF 

Having sauntered in this direction some time, our hero 
turned from his track for the purpose of making a circuitous 
tour back to the inn ; — in so doing, he entered one of the 
narrow lanes with which the extensive parish abounds. He 
had not progressed far in the path he had chosen, which he 
perceived wound round to the church, before, in the most 
narrow part of the narrow road, he encountered a strange sort 
of being, who, as he approached, furnished ocular demon- 
stration that the animal portion of him was the strangest 
part. 

The personal appearance of this strange individual would 
have supplied the lamented and talented Seymour with a 
rich pattern of Attic drollery, with which he might have em- 
bellished his truly comic scrap-book. His person was tall and 
thin, and, as a whole, singularly enough proportioned ; or, 
rather, like an untrimmed crabstick, it had no proportions at 
all, except the proportions of deformity, and that, unquestion- 
ably, was strikingly prominent. His legs and arms were un- 
usually long ; the former of which useful appendages to a 
body might be said to resemble a pair of hop-poles, although 
far from being so straight as the most crooked of those sup- 
porters of useful plants : for his knees came into such inti- 
mate contact with each other, as might have given rise to a 
question in the mind of a stranger, if they were not actually 
united ; while, on the contrary, his feet seemed to have a 
strong but indefinable antipathy to one another, in as much 
as they spread as far apart as the attachment of the knees 
would permit ; — and then, as to length, the feet which bore 
the ponderous weight of Goliath's colossal form, must have 
been infant-sized understandings to them, — they were really 
and truly — prodigious feet. 

Furthermore, the head of this " rara avis" of his species, 
which looked as if stuck upon a long slender protuberance 
from between his shoulders, and seemed to be as loosely set 
as a China mandarin's on an Italian image hawker's board, 
was very small, on the front of which was a face, long, pale, 
and thin, and as destitute of whisker, beard, or mustache, as 
the soft palm of a lady's waiting-maid. His eyes were of 
ample dimensions, and full of obliquation of vision. The 
crater-like aperture which served for a mouth, was almost 
literally from ear to ear ; while his v nose was a complete 
Pitt-ite one, sharp-pointed, up-turned, and of unusual di- 
mensions. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 261 

The costume of this wonder in nature was as singular as 
his person, and appeared admirably adapted to display it, if 
not to the best, at least to the fullest advantage. The coat 
and vest which he wore were, or had been black ; but, evi- 
dently, their original occupants must have been of much 
shorter proportions than the present wearer. His trowsers 
were light drab-coloured ; but, unfortunately, they fitted him 
so tight, notwithstanding the slender character of his shanks, 
that every step he took threatened to burst asunder the tight- 
fitting garment ; while at the same time, they were so terribly 
curtailed in their length, that two-thirds of his slender calves 
protruded from the bottom of them. 

When Claudius first caught sight of this non-descript- 
looking personage, he was distant from him about one hun- 
dred yards. So much was he under the influence of inebria- 
tion as to be utterly unable to maintain any thing like a 
perpendicular position. Sometimes he ran forward to save 
himself from falling, as if engaged in a chase after his own 
respectable nasal protuberance ; and then suddenly stopping, 
he staggered backwards almost as far and as fast. 

Before our hero's eye encountered him, he was endeavour- 
ing to manage an old chaunt, and still he persevered in the 
attempt ; but so barbarous was the nasal twang which ac- 
companied a husky cracked voice, that the squeeking of a 
pig in, a gate, or the wooing whine of a cat on a moonlight 
night, would have been considered by a connoiseur of sweet 
sounds, delectable harmony to it. — Thus it went on :— 

" That /rule the parish, who'll dare to deny? 

No one in the parish is greater ; — 
I'll prove it as plain as the white of your eye, 

Nor seek the black art for a data. 
The little boys quake at my angry brow, 

And are dumb at the name of M'Larish : 
In a word or two more, I'll prove it just now, 

The schoolmaster 's head of the parish. 

Now 'tis logic as plain as two and two 's four, 

That the little boys rule their mammas ; 
And 'tis equally plain from the days of yore 
t That the ladies rule all the dadas. 
Now, this being granted, the case is quite plain, 

As sure as my name is M'Larish, 
That in ruling the boys, — I say it again,— 
I rule — aye, the whole of the parish. 

At the school, or abroad, my name is rever'd— 

I'm great as a king in my station ; 
And if I'm not lov'd, why, at least, I am fear'd, 

And none can say more In the nation. 



262 THE RAMBLES OF 

All the little boys seek for the smile of ray eye, 

The ladies praise Mr. M'Larish; — 
And none of their husbands will dare to deny 

That I am the head of the parish." 

Thus braying, Mr. M'Larish continued to advance, reeling 
right and left like a becalmed ship in a heavy swell, until he 
was nearly in actual contact with Claudius ; when suddenly 
stopping, as if some astounding vision waved him back, he 
managed for a moment, like another Apollyon, so to extend 
his legs and arms as to occupy the entire space of road, and 
then roared out in as authoritative a voice as he could com- 
mand, " Who are you ? — Da locum melioribus" he added, 
after a moment's pause, " or by my office I'll beat you in 
puris naturalibus." 

Claudius's sides were so convulsed with laughter as to 
render all attempts at the required answer impossible ; and 
hence — " Ha ! ha ! ha!" repeated over and over, was all that 
escaped him. 

" Impudent dog 1" shouted the infuriated M'Larish, mis- 
taking Claudius for one of his pupils. — " I'll make every bone 
in your skin pay the forfeit of your impertinence to-day. 
Give me your name I" 

" Ha! ha! ha!" again roared Claudius; — "Will you sing 
another song if I tell you my name — eh ! Mr. Head of the 
parish ? — Ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" Eh ! — What's that ?" said the pedagogue, dropping his 
outspread arms, as if the sound of our hero's voice, being 
strange to him, had suddenly driven away the mist of mis- 
conception by which his understanding had been beclouded, 
and staring full in his face, — " Who are you ?" again he de- 
manded. 

" Why, I am a gentleman on my travels," replied Claudius. 

" Now, by the spirit of Socrates, thou art a lying varlet," 
exclaimed Mr. M'Larish, hiccuping violently, "and I— (hic- 
cup) — /, Mr. M'Larish, constable, clerk of the parish, and 
schoolmaster, apprehend thee as a rogue and a vagabond." 
So saying, he darted forward to execute his purpose, by seiz- 
ing Claudius ; but as his vision was rather confused, he 
seized a young tree which grew by the road side instead of 
our hero. 

As might be supposed, the embrace was a rude one on the 
part of M'Larish, whose full-grown nose came more suddenly 
than he anticipated or enjoyed in contact with the rough 



CAPTAIN BCLIO. 263 

bark of the sapling, and forth gushed a stream of crimson 
gore from the insulted organ. It did not require a moment's 
thought to determine whether or not he had missed his aim. 
He staggered back a few paces, and smeared the blood over his 
" very pale" face, giving it a complexion horrible to look upon. 

" Sing me another song," said Claudius most provokingly, 
as he stood enjoying the mischief, " and I'll tell you who 
I am." 

Once more the unsteady eye of the parish clerk, directed 
by the voice, caught an indistinct sight of our hero, and once 
again he prepared for a seizure. 

" Thou imp of destruction ! — Thou scoffer at honour, learn- 
ing, and office !" roared Mr. M'Larish ; — I'll take thee, dead 
or alive." So determining, he drew a large clasp-knife from 
his pocket ; which, having managed to open, to the great 
danger of losing the top of at least one finger, he brandished 
it furiously, rolling from side to side. — " Now," he added, 
" if you escape me, say that I am only magni nominis umbra." 

"Letmepass," said Claudius, — "Why do you stop my way?" 

" I stop you in the name of our sovereign ruler of blessed 
memory ;" and he re-commenced his efforts to lay hands 
upon Claudius, but with as little success as would have at- 
tended the attempt to grasp the wind, or to catch a sun-beam. 

" Which side the road do you call yours ?" asked Claudius, 
as the functionary staggered from side to side. 

" W T hjch ?" hiccuped the constable ; " why, both to be 
sure," reeling at the same time in such a way as to make 
good his assertion. 

" Are they so ?" said Claudius ; — " Well, then, as I can't 
stay here all day, I shall take the middle;" and so saying, he 
embraced, as he believed, a favourable opportunity to pass, 
and darted forward ; when, just at the moment, the head of 
the parish lurched from the side he had just taken to the 
centre,— the consequence was, that Claudius's head came in 
violent collision with M'Larish's magnificent mouth, and in 
a moment the unsteady pedagogue staggered backwards, and 
then measured his respectable length upon his mother-earth. 

" Murder ! — murder I — Thieves ! — Help !— help !" roared 
the prostrate official, rolling about in deep sand, as if to as- 
certain in which quarter the ground lay. 

" I'll go and send you some help," said Claudius, as he 
darted by him like a shot just discharged from a cannoK, 
leaving Mr. M'Larish to shift for himself. 



264 THE RAMBLES OF 

It was a fortunate circumstance for our hero that no help 
was at hand, or otherwise he might have been detained in a 
way, and for a longer time, than would have quite accorded 
with his liking. After a good run he succeeded in reaching 
the inn at the moment the doctor had rung for him. 

" Claudius," said his worship, as he entered the room, "I 
intend leaving in a few minutes, — is all ready ?" 

" All will be ready, Sir, by the time you mention," replied 
Claudius. 

" Good," said the rector, — " Good, — hem ! Mind me, 
.Claudius ; I desire nothing may be said to any one concern- 
ing my journey or the business upon which I have been en- 
gaged, — you understand :" 

" Oh yes, Sir," said Claudius ; " and I will be sure and 
obey the wishes of your reverence." 

" Very good," rejoined the doctor ; " you shall not lose 
your reward." 

It was a lovely afternoon, when his worship and Claudius 
crossed the bridge which spans the river Aire, in Titchfleld, 
wending their way towards Christchurch ; but, considering 
the distance they yet had to go, the doctor had certainly in- 
dulged himself somewhat too lengthily over his wine ; so that 
the prospect appeared very fair of its being little short of 
midnight before they reached the rectory. 

The moon had risen amidst rolling clouds, as they entered 
the long dreary forest of Ringwood, otherwise New Forest. 
The " spirit of the storm" appeared to be abroad ; and as they 
pushed forward, it required no very powerful effort of ima- 
gination on the part of a superstitious person, to conceive that 
the sighings and moanings of the fitful gusts which blew 
amidst the branches of majestic trees, or rustled in the thick 
underwood below them, were the wailings of the unfortu- 
nate Rufus, whose blood Sir Walter Tyrrel shed here by ac- 
cident. 

It can scarcely be supposed that the reverend doctor was 
so weak, as that superstition annoyed his learned head ; yet, 
some as learned as he was, have (in consequence of excessive 
morbid habits) been the slaves of such feelings ; — generally, 
however, as information has been received, the spectral illu- 
sions of the imagination have ceased to exist. Admitting, 
however, that the doctor did rise above such weakness, stili 
he did feel a chilling influence, very like superstitious fear, 
creep over, as the spirit of the Port he had taken, creeped out 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 265 

of him — in consequence whereof, without slackening his own 
pace greatly, he desired Claudius to keep close to him, by 
quickening Mayflower's action. 

" You do not feel any thing like fear, I hope ?" observed 
the doctor. 

" Not in the least, Sir/' replied our hero, most readily and 
truly. — " I have spent too many nights. in a forest, Sir, to be 
alarmed by a few gusts of wind." 

" Why, true, — true, child," returned the doctor ; " so much 
for use ; the homely adage is true, ' Use is second nature.' 
However, there is no need that you should fear here ; I assure 
you the road we travel is perfectly safe. There are plenty of 
forest-keepers about, and passengers are almost constantly 
passing.— Bless me !" he exclaimed, starting almost out of 
his saddle. — " Did you hear that, Claudius ?" 

" I did not hear any thing, Sir," replied Claudius, " ex- 
cepting the cracking of some of the limbs of the trees, which 
is usual in windy weather." 

"Umph!" observed the doctor, looking about him. — 
" Never yield to fear ; it makes an ill report of a man's prin- 
ciples, — all's right, I assure you ; — there again," said his re- 
verence, grasping more firmly the bridle, — " I certainly, as I 
am a living soul, heard something. I wish the moon would 
shine out clearly." 

.** I have travelled a lonelier road, many a darker night, 
Sir," observed Claudius, without regarding the rector's 
alarm, " and never met any thing worse than myself." 

" Very likely, very likely, child," returned his worship. 
" You do not believe those idle tales, I hope, which foolish 
people tell to alarm children with." 

"Tales, Sir!" said Claudius. 

" Aye, — tales, child," answered the doctor, " respecting 
spirits — ghosts that is, and the like." 

" No, indeed, Sir," returned our hero ; " I place my trust 
in Him whom the Indians call the Great Spirit ; and I am 
sure he can protect me from all little ones." 

"That's well, that's well," responded the divine ; " and I 
assure you, there is no such thing as a — a — bless me, how 
excessively nervous I am getting !— Surely I heard the bushes 
parted then." 

" No, Sir," said Claudius coolly, " nothing but the wind." 

" I am not in the commission of the peace," said the ma- 
gistrate, " if ever I take another journey like the present. 



266 THE RAMBLES OF 

Oh, if I could catch the villain just now that dragged me 
from my home ! — that is — " he added, checking himself, 
" the rascal who robbed me, and — and — not a fraction of the 
law's utmost severity should be abated to him — I'd punish 
him to the utmost extent." 

A shrill whistle, as if at a short distance before our travel- 
lers, was now distinctly heard ; and, scarcely knowing what 
he did, the doctor reined in his horse. 

" There ! — there, Claudius ! — Did you not hear that rogue's 
whistle ?" enquired his worship. 

" I heard a whistle, Sir," answered Claudius!; " whether 
a rogue's or not I cannot say ; perhaps it was one of the 
keepers calling his dogs, or — " 

" Stand /" interrupted a voice from behind, in a tone of 
thunder, and at the same instant two other wild-looking fel- 
lows presented themselves to the almost petrified doctor. 

" What do you wish for, gentlemen ?" asked his worship, 
in a conciliatory tone. 

" We wish to pay off an old score," replied one of the 
party, in a surly manner,—" We have been waiting for you 
and this youngster since last night ; and now we've nabbed 
you, we mean to let you know it." 

" Don't stand palavering there," said another of the gang; 
u knock the old feller over the head, and I'll manage the 
young 'un, I warrant you." 

" Gentlemen !" exclaimed the rector, in the utmost trepi- 
dation, " ask what you will of me and I will cheerfully give 
it, only don't misuse me." 

" You should learn to do as you'd be done by," replied a 
surly voice. — " Nobody wants mercy more than you hard- 
hearted justices, what are the last to show it." 

w Well, in the first place, hand over your chink," said the 
first speaker. 

" Oh certainly, gentlemen ! certainly !" returned the doctor. 

" No words 1" roared the ruffian, " but do as directed. 
Come, — quick ! quick ! or — " and he presented a cocked 
pistol at his worship's head, while one of his companions 
held the horse's bridle, as the doctor turned his pockets in- 
side out, after delivering up their contents. 

While the worthy personages referred to were discharging 
their professional duties with the doctor, another of the band 
attacked Claudius, with much less civility than his master had 
received at the hands of his attendants. Our hero, however, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 267 

bore not the assault with so much gentleness as the doctor. 
He had not yet so deeply studied the philosophy of non- 
resistance ; and, withal, scorned the thought of yielding with- 
out making some effort at defence. 

The encounter was so sudden and unexpected, that before 
our hero was aware of the presence of a third person, the 
hands of the marauder was actually upon him. In a little 
time he was dragged most unceremoniously from the back of 
Mayflower; but not without considerable opposition. During 
the scuffle he tore the mask which the fellow wore from his 
face, and at once recognised in the person of his assailant, an 
old acquaintance — the infamously renowned Philip M'Sheen, 
alias Slip gibbet Phil ! 

Claudius was fully aware of the strong antipathy, as well as 
the cause of it, which the Gypsy felt towards him ; and made 
no doubt that his intentions concerning him were of the most 
deadly order : and while, therefore, he looked for the worst, 
he exerted himself to the extent of his strength to prevent 
the evil. 

The contest, although unequal, from the size and fierceness 
of Slipgibbet compared with the youthful character of Clau- 
dius, was ably maintained on the part of our hero. The 
blood of Count Bolio ran in his veins, and scorning to strike 
so long as he could fight, or to ask mercy at the hand of an 
enemy by whom he knew it would be refused, he resolved to 
resist while he had ability to do so. 

Twice was Claudius smitten to the ground by his furious 
and powerful antagonist, but he rose like another Antaeus 
from his fall, each time appearing to gain fresh strength and 
vigour, and with as much alertness as Jack the Giant-killer is 
said to have done, he skipped from side to side and back- 
wards and forwards, and occasionally planted a blow so dex- 
terously in different parts of the Gypsy's body, that the con- 
test appeared likely to terminate in favour of the young 
pugilist.. 

During this time, the doctor was accommodating, although 
with no very good feeling, the gentlemen, who had told him he 
might do as he pleased, only they would have his purse ; after 
which they intended to punish him for sundry provocations, 
which several of their friends had received at his hands. The 
only way of escape from the threatened corporeal chastise- 
ment, which they assured him should be inflicted with nettles 
upon his bare breech, was, that he should solemnly swear 

n2 



268 THE RAMBLES OF 

upon the gospel which he preached, that he would not here- 
after, either by word or deed, by himself or in connexion 
with others, — annoy, vex, or disturb, themselves or any of 
their friends. The doctor trembled at every joint, — as in- 
deed he had sufficient cause to do,- — and, while his teeth chat- 
tered in his head, so that he could not speak a plain word, he 
promised and vowed to do, or not to do — to swear, or not to 
swear, — upon the Gospel or the Koran, just as the gentlemen 
present might determine. 

It is highly probable, that if those who read of the doctor's 
miserable condition by the side of a cheerful fire, and, sur- 
rounded by smiling friends, feel disposed to laugh at the fears 
which he suffered, and at his ready assent to the proposal 
made to him, had been circumstanced as he was, — their hidden 
parts about to be exposed, and a large bunch of stinging net- 
tles ready to be applied to the bared extremity, — they would 
have been driven to the extremity of their wits, or as readily 
conceded to the terms proposed as his worship did ; but the 
change in condition is every thing. He who is stretching his 
limbs in comfort before a blazing fire, enters not into the 
pangs which those endure who are exposed to all the rigour 
of a bitting winter's night ; while the man who never felt the 
want of a delicate dish, cannot properly sympathize with those 
who are starving for the want of a morsel of bread. 

Excuse this brief episode, gentle reader, and may you 
profit by it. 

The oath to which we have referred, was on the point of 
being administered in due form, when a distant sound of car- 
riage wheels was heard by the well-practised ear of those 
English brigands. A significant and well-understood glance 
passed from one to the other of the party as rapidly as 
thought. In another moment a vehicle with two outriders 
appeared in the distance, which, as the moon gleamed brightly 
through an opening in the forest, it was evident approached 
at a rapid rate. 

Slipgibbet and his associate were fully aware they had not 
sufficient force to venture a defence against the advancing 
reinforcement; and therefore, beating a hasty retreat upon 
the back and shoulders of the supplicating magistrate, they 
fled into the thicket, and were lost amidst its thick foliage in 
an instant. 

The unexpected deliverance which his worship had ex- 
perienced from the hands of those unmannerly and incensed 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 269 

villains, had like to have proved fatal to him, — so sudden and 
great was the transit which his spirit made from almost kill- 
ing alarm, to almost killing pleasure: for on the arrival of the 
carriage he found that he owed his second rescue from immi- 
nent peril to his old friends, Lord Dashwood and Sir Mar- 
maduke Varney ; who, having protracted their stay in the 
neighbourhood of Emsworth, were now returning to his lord- 
ship's mansion, which was only a few miles distant from the 
doctor's residence. 

Had it not been for the presence of mind, however, which 
Claudius displayed on the occasion, before an explanation 
had taken place, it is twenty to one that the doctor's fright 
and nervous excitement would at once have been put an end 
to by the lodgment of a bullet in some part of his body. 

" Who goes there ?" demanded one of the outriders. 

" I— I — I" stammered out the doctor, not yet having re- 
covered his speech ; the "loss of which had been occasioned 
by his recent fright. 

" Answer at once," continued the outrider, who took him 
for another Turpin, — " Answer me at once, or you are a dead 
man ;" and he presented his pistol as he spoke. 

" Hold !" shouted Claudius, who, in consequence of being 
off his horse, had not at first been perceived — " It is Dr. 
Titheum, the magistrate." 

" Doctor the Devil," returned the fellow ; " I'll doctor 
him, and you too, in the twinkling of an eye, if either of you 
dare to budge an inch." 

u What's amiss there ?" enquired Lord Dashwood, putting 
his head out of the carriage window, as it drew up. 

" Here are some robbers, your lordship, as I take it," re- 
plied the servant, — " I have challenged the feller on horse- 
back, but he refuses to answer ; — shall I fire, my lord?" 

"Ton my honour!" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, — "For 
gentlemen to be stopped in this kind of way. We had bet- 
ter pass on, my lord, I conceive, and leave the servants to 
settle the affair. Positively, I can't endure the vile smell of 
powder, — fob!" 

" No such thing, Sir Marmaduke," replied his lordship ; 
" I'll settle the affair with them in a short time," he added, 
cocking his pistol. 

The doctor, although he recognised the voices of his 
friends, was so completely tongue-locked as to be unable to 
make himself known ; and to turn his horse's head he dared 



270 THE RAMBLES OP 

not, lest the threat of the outrider should be executed. 
Claudius, however, as the " Ton my honour" of Sir Manna- 
duke fell upon his ear, ran towards the carriage to clear up 
the mystery. 

" Approach another step," cried Lord Dash wood, " and 
this ball passes through your body." 

" Ton my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, as he shifted 
his seat, and held his head below the carriage window, expect- 
ing every moment to hear a whizzing ball from the supposed 
robber's pistol pass through the vehicle — " Ton my honour, 
this is extremely unpleasant. — "Be mild, my lord," he 
added, " and enquire what the gentlemen want." 

" They want what they shall in a moment receive," re- 
turned Lord Dashwood, resolutely, if — " 

" My Lord Dashwood, hold," exclaimed Claudius, as he 
appeared to be in the act of firing. 

"Ah ! who is it knows my name ?" enquired his lordship ; 
" I should know that voice ; — who are you ? — answer me, 
or—" 

" I am Claudius, your lordship," returned our hero, Doc- 
tor Titheum's servant, and here is my master." 

" Ha ! ha 1 ha I" roared out Dashwood, lowering his pistol. 
— " So you and your master have taken up the honourable 
profession of highwaymen, have ye ? ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" Ton my honour," shouted Sir Marmaduke, raising his 
head most heroically, and looking as fearless as a steel-clad 
chieftain from the carriage window. — " This is very surpris- 
ing. Why, how now, doctor, — Why don't you approach? — 
We only defend ourselves against robbers — 'pon my honour ; 
— You have no cause to fear us, I assure you ; — Why don't 
you approach ?" 

" No, no," said Dashwood, convulsed with laughter, " you 
have no cause to fear us, — none in the least, my dear doctor." 

" I feel happy, my lord," replied his reverence, once more 
recovering his speech, and changing his position, — "more 
happy than I can express, to meet you once more ; — I have 
nearly been frightened to death, I assure you ; — we have ac- 
tually been beset by robbers." 

" Ah ! 'pon my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, as the doc- 
tor proceeded to state their recent unpleasant circumstances, 
" how extremely fortunate that we came up as we did : it is 
impossible to conjecture what would otherwise have been the 
consequence, 'pon my honour." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 271 

It was at once determined that the doctor should take his 
seat in the carriage, while his lordship's footman should 
mount his horse, and, in company with Claudius, bring up 
the rear. Matters were soon settled ; Mayflower, who had 
retreated to a short distance as soon as Claudius was off his 
back, was easily caught, and as easily re-mounted by our 
hero, who, falling back, took his appointed place behind the 
carriage. 

The doctor was soon comfortably seated by the side of Sir 
Marmaduke, and a full explanation, with several addenda, of 
his Quixotic adventure in the forest, was given, to the high 
entertainment of the friends as they proceeded with rapid 
pace towards home. The understanding which was entered 
into at Emsworth respecting visiting Clifton and its vicinity 
was confirmed ; and without any further disaster or adven- 
ture, the doctor reached the rectory after an absence of three 
whole days, having in that time discharged some matters of 
grave and important character, of which the reader is already 
fully aware, being minus between forty and fifty pounds, en- 
riched, however, with that which is more valuable than gold, 
—practical instruction in the fact taught by his own expe- 
rience, namely, that " a man greedy of honour is easily im- 
posed upon" 



CHAPTER XXI. 



"I tell you, man," the Parson cried, 
" That none of all our race 
As we, — whom all the world deride 
Hold such a wretched place." 

" Indeed!" cried Hodge, and scratch'd his head, — 
" Then why; such hardship brook? 
I cannot tell, can you, — eh, Ned V 
" No !— but I'll ask the cook." 

"You'll ask'the cook! and why, pray, Ned?" 
"Because, beyond a book, 
Or preaching, — they love being fed/ 
There/ore, — I'll ask the cook." 

Reasons for Keeping Place. 

Most authors who commit blunders, — and there are but 
few who do not, — either by putting in what should be left 



272 RAMBLES OF 

out, or leaving out what should have been put in, — most such 
gentlemen, we were about to observe, manage most dexter- 
ously to lay the blame of such blunders upon the broad and 
strong shoulders of their printers, by making, or endeavour- 
ing to make, the public believe that such errors are typogra- 
phical mistakes. Now, we are more honest and honourable 
than so to act ; — let every beast bear his own burden, say 
we. Aye, gentle reader, we repeat it ; and the expression 
causes not a blush to tinge our cheeks ; — we are more honest 
and honourable than thus to act. We feel ready to acknow- 
ledge that there are things which might have been left out in 
the preceding parts of the present work ; — we do not, intend, 
however, to point them out; — and there is one subject which 
should have been put in in the last chapter, and that is, — a 
solemn pledge on the part of Lord Dashwood and Sir Marma- 
duke Varney, made and confirmed to the Rev. Dr. Titheum, 

" Never to speak of that which they had heard, 
Or tell of what they with their eyes had seen.'* 

The plea set up by the worshipful divine while enjoining 
them to silence, was the same with that he had employed 
with Claudius, namely, the anxiety which he felt lest the 
statements which might be made should affect the health of 
Georgiana. 

Well assured that in the silence of his friends he should 
be secured from the gibes and jeers which otherwise he might 
be called to endure, he went boldly into his house, as one who 
had performed a world of "important business ;"— -and then, 
after making brief enquiry of those who were up, and giving 
brief replies to questions put to him, went boldly to bed. 

Our hero, however, was not quite so fortunate as his mas- 
ter ; to him appertained not the same power as that possessed 
by the doctor, to speak or not to speak ; to ask questions, or 
to reply to those which were asked, as he might feel disposed ; 
for no sooner had he entered the kitchen than Sally, the 
housemaid, on one side, and Mistress Fatpan, the cook, on 
the other, saluted him with their incessant congratulations on 
his safe return, — a custom which Claudius thought 

" More honoured in the breach than in the observance ;" 

which were followed up by a thousand questions concerning 
where he had been, and what he had seen and heard. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 273 

It is not always prudent for ladies in the presence of 
wooers to congratulate too kindly, or even at all, a second 
person of the masculine gender; jealousy is like tinder, a 
small spark sets it on fire. Joseph the butler felt so just 
then. " Jealousy," as one observes, " shot through his eye 
and wounded his peace/' — he noted with more attention 
than occasion called for, the familiar and joyous way in 
which Mistress Fatpan received our hero, and therefore 
urged Claudius to be quick and accompany him to the stable, 
to assist in attending to the horses. 

" I insists upon it," said Mistress Fatpan, " that Claudius 
shall not go to the stables to-night; hasn't he had work 
enough already to-day ? No, no, I sees no more reason in 
working a free horse to death, than in the white of an egg." 

"For shame, Mister Joseph," echoed the housemaid, "you 
wouldn't think of taking the lad out again before he has had 
no refreshingment, would you ?" 

" Why, as to the matter of that," replied Joseph, whose 
eye was fixed upon the cook's as he spoke, and whose wrath 
he feared to rouse — " a little time couldn't harm him ; we 
shall soon have done, and then — " 

"Done or not done," exclaimed Mistress Fatpan, who 
was a perfect woman in meeting opposition by opposition — 
" or soon or late, I say he shall not go." 

" lam obliged to you," said Claudius, turning to the best 
sort of friends a man can have, the females — " I am greatly 
obliged to you, but I can soon do what I have to do, and I 
don't feel too fatigued to attend to it." 

"Well, but we insists upon it, you shall not go," returned 
the cook, who appeared to conceive that Mister Joseph had 
trounced too closely upon her prerogative of having her own 
way. "You shall not go,— Shall he, Sally ?" 

" Sartenly not," replied the housemaid ; and laying hands 
on Claudius, they placed him in a chair between them, while 
Mister Joseph, half frantic at the attentions which he saw 
Mistress Fatpan lavish upon our hero, left the room in high 
dudgeon. 

" I'm blest," exclaimed the butler as he departed, " if this 
doesn't beat all I ever corned a-near ; 1 wonder what next." 

" Now, Claudo," said the cook as soon as Joseph had dis- 
appeared, " now let us hear all about your journey." 

Claudius laid his finger significantly upon his lips and re- 
mained silent. 

N £ 



274 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Why what do you mean?" exclaimed Sally, looking with 
surprise at our hero's action, "why don't you open your 
mouth, and tell us about the journey?" 

" I'm dumb," replied Claudius. 

"Dumb, dumb!" shouted Sally, "ha — ha— ha ! did any 
dumb person ever speak before, I wonder ? Come now," she 
added coaxingly, " I should so like to hear what you have 
seen." 

" I'm blind," said Claudius. 

" You're what ?" cried Mistress Sally. 

" Blind" returned Claudius, " stone blind." 

" You're mad, I rather think," retorted the housemaid, 
" Didn't you see nothing what's worth telling a body what 
is confined here from Genvery to Disember ? tell me now." 

" I'm deaf," replied Claudius. 

" You are a booby, that's what you are, to tantalize one so," 
cried Sally, " can you hear that ?" 

" Oh yes," returned our hero, " perfectly well, never heard 
any thing better. Why, how you look at one, Mistress Sally, 
as if you were incredulous, or doubted my veracity ; but if 
you have any doubt about what I state, only ask the cook." 

"Ask the cook /" cried the housemaid, nettled at what she 
considered our hero's obstinacy, " and pray what am I to 
ask the cook about ?" 

" Why, ask if I am not, that is, if I am not to be, on all par- 
ticular occasions, deaf, blind, and dumb." 

About all that Claudius said there was a degree of mystery 
or incoherency which Sally, with all the depth of penetration 
upon which she prided herself, could not fathom, and simply 
for this reason : it so occurred that Sally did not happen to 
be present when Claudius received his first lesson from 
Mistress Fatpan, and therefore of course was ignorant of the 
instruction he had received on that occasion ; while, on the 
other hand, Claudius imagining that every servant in the 
doctor's establishment was acquainted with the particular 
course of scholastic drilling which the before-mentioned 
governess had adopted, naturally enough concluded that 
Sally understood it, and therefore referred her to that per- 
sonage with the laconic direction — "Ask the cook." 

Now it so happened, — and strange coincidences do some- 
times take place — it so happened that at the moment Mistress 
Fatpan saw Joseph leave the kitchen, she expressed the wish 
that Claudius would furnish the particulars of his journey \ 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 275 

and then, before he had time to reply, she hurried to her 
private store to procure a drop of her own well-beloved cor- 
dial for Claudius. 

As we have already stated, the house was a large old- 
fashioned one, and the kitchen was of the same character, so 
that when Mistress Fatpan had entered her closet at the 
remotest part of the cooking apartment, the questions pro- 
posed by the anxious Sally, and the responses given by 
Claudius, were alike unheard by her : this explanation will 
account for the mystery which existed in the above recorded 
scene. 

" Now, Claudo," said the good-natured cook, as she re- 
turned from the closet, bringing with her a bottle of cordial, 
alias cherry brandy, — " while I give you a treat of my rarest 
cordial, you shall treat us with an account of your journey. 
I dare say it has been full of adventerings : come now, drink, 
and tell us." 

"Why I have been trying to get something out of him 
ever since you left us," said Sally, " but I cannot obtain a 
single word of information, except — 'Ask the cook' — why he 
positively declares, and sticks to it as if it really was the case, 
that he is deaf, blind, and dumb." 

" Ha, ha, ha," roared Mistress Fatpan, catching Claudius's 
meaning in the twinkling of an eye; "now that is hececellent." 

"What does he mean," enquired Sally, "about 'ask the 
cook?'" 

Mistress Fatpan explained in her own luminous way, and 
added, "You are an hexcellent scollard, Claudo, only you 
mkkes a little mistake regarding times and places, as one 
may say. What I said about being blind, deaf, and dumb, 
only regards the sarvents and the kitchen ; you are to hear 
double, to see treble, and to talk a hundred times more, re- 
specting master and parlour folk. — Don't you see, Claudo, — 
eh?" 

"Why not quite clearly," replied our hero, wishing to 
gain a moment's time and breath, that he might consider 
the best means of escape from the boring of the inquisitive 
cook and housemaid ; for he well knew if a sentence escaped 
his lips touching any of the difficulties in which himself and 
the doctor had been placed, it would be multiplied ad infini- 
tum, and in a few hours become an accredited tale through 
the whole parish ; and therefore he had made up his mind not 
to communicate a word. 



276 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Bless me !" rejoined the cook, u how dreadfully stupid 
you must be. Did I not tell you, you were to be blind, deaf, 
and dumb V 

" Yes, to be sure you did," interrupted our hero ; " and I 
told Sally so,— did I not, Sally }" 

" I don't know," replied the housemaid ; " but I'll ask 
the cook." 

" Well," continued Mistress Fatpan, " as I was saying, 
you are to be blind, deaf, and dumb, in the kitchen ; but you 
must hear all you can, — you must see all you can, — and you 
must tell all you know, consuming the parlour, for the pur- 
pose of putting us on our guard : for, with all we can learn, 
it is a hard thing to trick masters now-a-days. Now you un- 
derstand, — don't you ?" 

" Oh yes," said Claudius, "that's all quite plain; — aye, 
aye, I see it clearly now, — ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" To be sure, you do," responded the cook ; — " I knew 
you would. Here, drink this little drop of cordial, and then 
let's have the information." 

Claudius received the presented glass, and swallowed half 
its contents, and then returned the remainder, gasping for 
breath, to Mistress Fatpan ; who, laughing at the " poor little 
chicken," as she called him, kindly assisted our hero by 
drinking whtit he had left ; after which, pouring out a brim- 
. mer for Sally, and another for herself, which they disposed of 
without making a wry face, they listened for Claudius's re- 
lation. 

Calling to his aid all the invention he could muster, and 
giving what he had to say multum in parvo, he succeeded «in 
accomplishing a most difficult task — satisfying the curiosity 
of the two ladies, without exposing his master or himself. 
The pleasantness of the journey, — the good entertainment 
they met with, — the friends they made, — the beauty of the 
city of Chichester, — its magnificent cathedral, — the tones of 
its organ, and other things equally instructive and entertain- 
ing, supplied Claudius with as much to say as was necessary; 
and by the time he had concluded his narration, Joseph en- 
tered from the stable, to whom the cook gave one of her win- 
ning smiles, as she handed him a glass of her cordial, ob- 
serving — " Here, Joseph, dear : I'm glad you have returned. 
This will do you good." How powerful is " woman's witch- 
ery," and with what consummate skill do they accomplish their 
purposes, — a word — a look, from a female, if rightly applied, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 27% 

hushes at once the raging storm in the bosom of man. So 
now it was ; the smile and kind expression of Mistress Fatpan 
smoothed in an instant Joseph's wrinkled brow, and produced 
an amicable feeling between him and all present. 

The Sabbath morning was about three hours old, when 
Claudius succeeded to obtain his discharge from the kitchen, 
and retired to bed ; where, in consequence of the previous 
day's ride, and the small quantity of brandy he had taken, he 
soon fell into a sound sleep, from which he did not wake until 
past ten o'clock ; and, in all probability, would have conti- 
nued to sleep on even then, had he not been roused by a 
rough shaking from the strong hand of Sally, who was wish- 
ful to make the bed. 

" Claudo, Claudo !" she called :— " What in the world is 
this, — are you going to sleep all day ? — Here's a fine piece of 
business ; the doctor has been up almost a quarter of an hour, 
and in a pretty temper he is, that I can tell you." 

" What's the matter ?" asked Claudius, starting up in a 
fright. 

" I don't know, exactly," replied the housemaid ; " but 
I'll ask the cook,— ha ! ha ! ha !" 

" Eh, — what ?" returned Claudius, rubbing his eyes, which 
as yet were only half open. — " Why, what o'clock 'is it ?" 

" I don't know, exactly," repeated the housemaid, sarcas- 
tically ; " but I'll ask the cook. However, I can tell you one 
thing, — the doctor is up, and you'll know all about it in a little 
time ; — he's in a precious temper for this blessed morning." 

" Is he so?" returned Claudius, with indifference, " indeed, 
I'm glad to hear it ; — but has he enquired for me yet ?" 

" I don't know," was the repeated and provoking reply of 
Sally ; " but," she added archly, as she left the room, " I'll 
ask the cook." 

As soon as the housemaid left the apartment, Claudius left 
his bed ; and, with all the expedition he could command, pro- 
ceeded to dress ; and in five minutes from the time he com- 
menced, he had donned his clothes and was in the kitchen. 

" Ha," yawned Claudius, " I fancy I have over-slept my- 
self a little this morning." 

" I fancy you have, and not a little, Mr. Claudo," returned 
the cook. — " Now, don't stand there yawning and stretching ; 
— I declare you'll give me the garping" added the cook, 
yawning. — "There now,— I shall do nothing else but garp, 
garp, garp, all day long." 



278 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I hear the doctor's out of temper," observed Claudius. — 
" What's the matter ?' 

" Aye, — I fancy he is above a little out of temper ; even 
Miss Georgiana can't please him." 

" What is it all about ?" enquired our hero. 

" Why, something consarning having to do duty to-day, I 
fancy," returned Mistress Fatpan ; " and he's not in the hu- 
mour for it, — and, for that matter, it is hard to say when he is. 
Joseph took him a note this morning, as you warn't in the 
way, which I understands corned from Mr. Milksop, his cu- 
rate, who says (as Joseph says), he heard the doctor say, — 
that he can't do duty to-day, because he had a haxident last 
night, as he was going home from a party. He had taken a 
leetle too much wine, and fell into a horsepond, and would 
sartenly have been drowned hadn't it been for Dick Awle, the 
shoemaker, who seed the haxident, and pulled the curate out, 
and then led him home ; — however, he is laid up this morn- 
ing, and can't leave his bed.; — * Confound the church,' said 
the doctor, as he read the note ; ' I wish it was at the 

very .' I won't say where he said, Claudo ; — but hark ! 

there's his bell, — run now, Claudo, and get your lecture." 

" Aye, — make haste," cried Sally, who entered the kitchen 
at the moment Claudius was leaving it, — " and if the doctor 
asks you any hard question, tell him you'll ask the cook." 

" Well, I declare," said Mistress Fatpan, " I'd rather have 
a dozen Mondays in the week than one Sunday ; for what 
with extra cooking on that day, for extra company, and the 
extra bad temper in which the doctor is sure to be on a Sun- 
day, it tires one off one's legs." 

" Ah, that's true enough," returned Sally ; " I never saw 
such doings, in all my born-days, as on a Sunday here : I 
shall give warning, I'm certain, if things don't mend. If it 
wasn't for Miss Georgiana I'm sure "the old gentleman" him- 
self couldn't live here ; — though, to be sure, we do see a bit 
of fun now and then, and pretty often too, when the doctor 
and some of the party gets fuddled, or falls out over the cards : 
and, I must confess, that the extra trouble we have in clear- 
ing away their messes after overturning the tables and other 
things, not very pleasant, some of the party pays by the 
present of a few shillings, — and then, you know, you contrive 
to fill a bottle or two from the remains of a Sunday's rout — 
these little things make a small amends." 
"To be sure," returned the cook ; « if it wasn't for these 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 279 

9 ere trifles, I couldn't stand it. But listen, — isn't Claudo 
catching it warmly ?" and they both ran to the door to catch 
the sound of the doctor's voice. 

The instant Claudius left the kitchen, he ran to receive his 
master's orders. As he opened the doctor's room door, he 
perceived him reading a letter, and talking to himself. 

" Did you ring, Sir?" enquired Claudius. 

t( No, Sir," was the laconic reply, delivered with consider- 
able asperity, while he re-folded his morning gown, and 
walked in violent agitation across the room. Claudius felt 
no particular wish that the tempest of the rector's wrath 
should burst upon himself, and therefore made a motion to- 
wards withdrawing. — " Where are you going, Sir ?" said his 
reverence. 

" I understood you did not want me, Sir," returned 
Claudius. 

" You understood,— you have no business to understand, 
—nor any thing else," replied the doctor. — " Confound the 
church," he continued, as he again put his machine in mo- 
tion. — "Yes, I did call you," he added, after the lapse of a 
few seconds, turning to our hero ; and once again he relapsed 
into a state of partial abstraction. — " Confound that fellow, 
Milksop ; I wish he had broken his neck before he had taken 
so much wine last night, — any other night would have been 
of no consequence ; but just now, when I am almost jaded to 
death. Well !" he exclaimed to Claudius, " Why do you not 
do as you are directed ? — How long am I to wait ?" 

" I have not yet received any orders, Sir," returned 
Claudius. 

" To do duty after three days of such unparalleled excite- 
ment as I have had to endure !" observed the rector, solilo- 
quising,—" This is worse than a place in Purgatory. Let me 
have breakfast immediately, — do you hear? — yes; — ah, — 
breakfast, — and then, — do you hear ? — let Joseph go and di- 
rect the clerk to — to— what the deuce was I going to say ? 
— then — then — get me my breakfast." 

Our hero bit his nether lip to suppress a laugh, which he 
could but ill conceal, and hasted to perform the doctor's 
bidding. 

The required repast was soon spread before the divine, and 
Georgiana sat to do the honours of the table. During the 
whole of the meal the doctor continued, as he emptied his 
mouth, to give vent to the vexation of his spirit, in broken 



280 THE RAMBLES OF 

expletives ; while his daughter, with the soothing softness of 
an angel, endeavoured to calm the irritation of his temper. 

" Now, my dear papa," said the lovely girl, " do get your 
breakfast and dress; it is going on fast towards eleven 
o'clock." 

" I tell you, child," replied the doctor, " I don't feel dis- 
posed to do duty to-day, and yet, here I am compelled against 
my will to do it ; — why, no scavenger in our streets, or pau- 
per in the parish, but has a situation preferable to mine : they 
can at least do as they please, while I am compelled to attend 
to that for which I really have no inclination." 

" Well ; but consider now, my dear Pa — " said Georgiana, 
lovingly. 

" Yes, yes ; consider, — it is all very proper to consider, my 
dear," interrupted the doctor ; " but what am I to consider ? 
— why, that I am obliged, like a West Indian Negro, to per- 
form a task which I dislike." 

Georgiana made repeated attempts to reason with her pa- 
rent ; but it wouldn't do : and how, indeed, could it be ex- 
pected it would do ? Here was a gentleman — a learned gen- 
tleman, — a divine ! whose annual stipend was a mere baga- 
telle, — the price of an old song ; — nay, not so much ; for one, 
to wit, " The Old English Gentleman," not many years since, 
cost a young Scotch Gentleman nearly, or quite, two thousand 
pounds, — whereas, the salary of this worthy defender of the 
church fell short of eighteen hundred pounds a-year ; yet, 
who, for this despicable trifle, was obliged to do the unpleasant 
duty of performing a service which would occupy nearly half 
an hour of his valuable time, almost every Sunday in the 
year, — except when attended to by his curate, — and now, too, 
when he wished to enjoy himself at home, he could obtain no 
remission of the duty. Look on, ye revilers of the deserving 
and the good, and weep ! Who, we ask, could but murmur 
and feel indignant under such distressing circumstances ? 
What scavenger, or pauper, or any thing else, — if any thing 
worse circumstanced than these can be, — would change 
places ? — who can reply to the question ? — Ask the cook. 

After grumbling and eating, eating and grumbling, for half 
an hour, the doctor announced that his appetite was satisfied ; 
and, as it now wanted only a quarter of an hour to eleven 
o'clock, at which time service was to commence, and as no 
alternative was presented, the doctor repaired to his room to 
dress for the performance of his duty. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 281 

When he again descended to the parlour, half a dozen pairs 
of shoes were placed before him, upon whose smooth surface 
Day and Martin had done wonders, in order that his reve- 
rence might make his election ; but, out of that number, not 
a single pair suited him : it therefore remained a doubtful 
question, whether or not he should not be obliged to post- 
pone the duty for a week, for the want of such a pair of shoes 
as suited his worship's fancy. 

"Are there no other shoes in the house ?" demanded the 
doctor. 

" There is only one more pair, Sir/* replied Claudius. 

" Well, and why are they not brought ?" asked his reve- 
rence ; " they are the very pair I wish for." 

" They are covered with mud, Sir/' said Claudius. 

" And why are they so ?" exclaimed the doctor in a lofty 
key. 

" In consequence, Sir, of my being from home the last 
three days," replied Claudius. — " I have not had time to 
clean more than six pairs, and two pairs of boots." 

" Don't tell me about time, but go and clean them imme- 
diately," said the doctor ; — " I'll have them and no other." 

" I thought, Sir," said Claudius, " it being Sunday morn- 
ing, your reverence — " 

" What have I to do about Sunday morning ■?" exclaimed 
the divine ; " I'll have my shoes cleaned whatever morning 
it is." 

Claudius felt convinced that opposition would not succeed, 
and, therefore, made haste to cover the calf-skin with jet 
black. 

It would have puzzled a learned professor in the art and 
mystery of cord-waining, or any other professor, to have dis- 
tinguished between the shoes now brought and one or two 
other pairs which the doctor had refused ; — but what of that ? 
many others, besides Dr. Titheum, have made fools of them- 
selves in a trifling matter — it was his pleasure to have those 
he did have, and that pleasure being met, he stepped into his 
carriage and was dragged to church. 

When the noise of his chariot wheels was heard, as they 
rolled up to the vestry door, the minute-hand of the dial 
pointed to a quarter past eleven, notwithstanding that the 
hand had been put back one quarter of an hour before. 

But who had most cause to complain, the waiting congre- 
gation which sat comfortably in lofty old-fashioned pews, 



282 THE RAMBLES OF 

which prevented their neighbours from observing if they 
were asleep or awake, — or the laborious doctor who had 
duty to perform ? — Ask the cook. 

His worshipful reverence bustled into the vestry, sat grace- 
fully while his sacerdotals were put on, drank a glass of 
wine for his stomach's good, smacked his lips, and entered 
the reading-desk. The first part of the duty was soon des- 
patched, and again the doctor walked statelily into the at- 
tiring room, to don his robes of inky colour, and take a 
second glass of Port ; which having done, he prepared to 
finish his laborious and unpleasant duty. 

The doctor had scarcely taken his seat in the rostrum, 
before he thrust his hand into the right hand pocket of his 
coat for his black- covered book, with the intention of bring- 
ing forth a delicious morceau for the edification of the people 
of his charge, on meekness of temper, but he found it not. 
He shifted his seat and dived deeper, until the ends of his 
fingers came in contact with the bottom of his pocket : still 
he could not feel it. The left hand repository underwent an 
equally severe scrutiny, but with no better success. His breast 
pocket in his coat, and every other place in which by possi- 
bility it could have obtained a lodgment, suffered the same 
process as a suspicious voyager from Calais or Boulogne 
would have to submit to at the Custom House at Dover ; but, 
alas poor sermon! and alas, alas, poor doctor! the search was 
in vain. 

" Confound the thing," broke from the reverend doctor's 
agitated lips, "what can have become of it ? I certainly put a 
sermon into my pocket, and yet it is possible I may have 
made a mistake. Confound the thing/' he repeated in a rather 
louder tone than before, " what in the name of patience am 
I to do ?" 

Fortunately for the doctor, and for the congregation too, 
the pipes of a powerful organ, and the still louder pipes of a 
bawling clerk, drowned the voice of the divine, and hence 
his wrathful exclamations were not heard. 

After making two or three rather loud " hems," he suc- 
ceeded in arresting the attention of one of the wardens, to 
whom he gave a significant beck, and in a brace of seconds 
the dapper Mr. Wiggins, peruke-maker and shaver extraor- 
dinary to the corporation, was at his elbow. 

" Mr. Wiggins," said the doctor, " I'm in a confounded 
mess." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 283 

"What's amiss, Sir?" enquired Wiggins, misunderstanding 
the doctor an<J snuffing like a beagle off scent — "what's 
amiss, Sir ?" 

" Why," whispered his reverence, " being short of time 
this morning, I came from home in a hurry, and — " 

"Bless me, Sir!" interrupted the churchwarden, still 
on the wrong scent, and snuffing for an expected scent. 
"Had you not better leave the pulpit awhile and get a 
change ?" 

"Get what?" exclaimed the doctor, in something like a 
loud whisper. 
" A change, Sir, in the vestry," said Wiggins. 
" I have nothing to change," returned his reverence. 
" One can soon be obtained, Sir," responded the sympa- 
thizing warden. 

" I tell you I have none to change," cried the doctor," if 
I had any sermon it would do, but I came from home with- 
out one." 

"Whew!" returned Wiggins, "is that all, Sir?" 
"All, all," said the doctor, "and is not that quite enough? 
What I wish is, that you would send or go to my house with 
all possible speed. Here is the key of my study : bring me the 
first sermon you can put your hands on ; and, do you hear, 
Mr. Wiggins," added his reverence as his factotum was 
about to descend the pulpit stairs, "tell the clerk to sing 
the whole psalm, unless I direct to the contrary, which will 
give time." 

" I will, Sir," replied Wiggins, and hasted on his mission. 
During the above colloquy, the attentive congregation 
gaped with surprise at beholding Mr. Wiggins so elevated, 
and many were the surmises which took place as to the pro- 
bable cause. A wag offered to wager a companion a pint of 
Sherry against a bottle of ginger beer, that the peruke-maker's 
head would turn giddy ; while two young ladies came to the 
grave conclusion that a marriage was to have been solemnized, 
which his reverence had forgotten. 

It happened most fortunately that the psalm upon which 
Mr. Splitlungs the clerk had fixed, was the one hundred 
and nineteenth, so that no danger existed of soon stopping for 
want of stanzas ; moreover, as he was particularly fond, like 
most of his craft, of exercising his vocal powers, he felt no 
objection to the doctor's order ; albeit, he did show a more 
than ordinary portion of the white of his eyes, as the direc- 



284 THE RAMBLES OP 

tion was given, and turned a leaf or two to examine the ex- 
tent of the psalm. 

At the end of a quarter of an hour Mr, Wiggins returned 
to acquaint the doctor that he could not unlock his study 
door. 

"Confound the door," said the doctor; "burst it then, 
burst it, Mr. Wiggins ; a sermon I must have." 

" I'll do it, Sir," said the warden, and was again skip- 
ping off." 

" Yet, stop, stop," cried the rector, in a low whisper, " I 
fancy I have given you the wrong key ; bless me, how came 
I to make such a blunder? — Why now I look at it, this is the 
key of my choice wine, which I trust to no one ; — there, Mr. 
Wiggins, that is the key of the study, — now be quick, and 
tell my servant Claudius to bring me one directly." 

The churchwarden bowed and obeyed, and on went the 
singing. One by one the congregation grew husky, and gave 
up joining in what was any thing but melody, until at length 
few were found to possess lungs sufficient to assist the half- 
fatigued clerk, who every now and then threw up a look of 
beseeching character to the pulpit, and longed earnestly for 
the doctor's signal to close. 

The usual time for pronouncing the benediction had 
some time elapsed, and many a gude housewife directed an 
anxious eye towards the dial in the front of the gallery, as 
they thought of their dinners, which they feared would be 
spoiled, or of boisterous husbands, who they feared would 
scold. 

Presently in ran Claudius almost breathless, and hasted 
to put the black book into the rector's extended hand. A 
loud "hem!" from the doctor told the clerk to hold his 
noise. The rector used his handkerchief once or twice, and 
then, the organ having ceased its pealing sounds, rose in stately 
form, and, opening his manuscript, proceeded to read the text. 
All on a sudden the reverend doctor became distressingly 
husky: "hem" succeeded "hem," and yet the "hemming" 
brought no relief, until the "hems" became infectious, and 
went fairly, as regular as the responses, round the church. 

What could have affected the doctor none knew but him- 
self and Claudius, who, yielding once more to his inherent 
love of mischief, had carried matters too far on the present 
occasion; for instead of bringing his master a sermon, he 
had handed to him some hunting and drinking songs, at the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 285 

composition of which, the doctor had been trying his hand, 
and which he had transcribed fairly into one of the books 
which had been made to write sermons in. The first thing 
which caught his eye, on turning the black cover upon the 
velvet cushion, was the following exciting stanza : — 

" Come, fill, fill your glasses quite up to the brim, 

And join in a chorus divine ; 
While each quaffs a bumper to it and to him, 

The smiling gay god. of the wine. 
Hip ! hip ! hup"! hurrah ! Hip J hip ! hip ! hurrah ! 

The smiling gay god of the wine. 5 

Whatever trash, in the stead of scriotural instruction, 
Dr. Titheum had long been in the habit of serving to his 
flock, this at least would not do, and he was therefore obliged 
to yield to stern and uncompromising necessity ; and hence, 
complaining of sudden indisposition, he gravely pronounced 
the benediction ; the organ again struck up ; the people, won- 
dering at what they had seen rather than at what they had 
heard, retired from the church ; while the doctor, happy to 
bring the matter to a close, stepped to the vestry and sipped 
his wine, and then rode home ; and so ended the laborious 
duty of his reverence for the day, and for what longer period, 
depended upon the returning capabilities of his curate, or 
the obtaining other help. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

Oh, 'tis a lovely place, I'm sure, 

So full of London fashion ; 
The men so neat, the maids demure— 

Excepting those who dash on. 
And. then 1 hear there's not a few 

Who day to night are turning ; 
Oh, let us go, — dear papa, do, 

To visit Bath I'm burning. 

All was busy bustle and perplexing preparation at the rec- 
tory of Christchurch on the morning of the Monday after 
the doctor's return from Chichester. Two or three fashion- 
able artists in the dress - making and millinery way, had 
been sent for, and were every moment expected by Miss 
Georgiana. 



286 THE RAMBLES OP 

The occasion of the stirring excitement was not, as it is 
possible the reader may conjecture, an anticipated approach 
to the altar on the part of the rector's daughter, but an ex- 
pected treat which to the ardent feelings of more than one in 
the doctor's family afforded almost equal pleasure : namely, 
" a trip to Bath." 

Georgiana had reminded her papa, while sauntering with 
him on the Sunday evening round their delightful garden, of 
his promise to take her for an excursion on his return from 
his important business at Chichester. 

" Well, well, Georgie," said the fond father, and all the 
affection and pride of a doting parent rushed to his heart 
as he looked at her, "where would you like to go? that is, 
supposing I consent to be coaxed by you into a compliance 
with your desire." 

"Why I have heard a great deal, papa," returned Miss 
Georgiana, "respecting Bath: some, indeed, say it is the most 
delightful city in England." 

"Pshaw, pshaw, girl," exclaimed the doctor ; "who says 
so, eh ?" 

" Oh I have heard a great many people say so," replied 
Georgiana; "I can't remember their names this moment, 
but I am certain, papa, I have heard so ; besides, I have read 
of it again and again, as being the place where Fashion has 
established her court, and where beauty and elegance are 
seen in her train ; and being favoured by nature and art, it 
has acquired the distinguished pre-eminence which it so 
eminently maintains." 

The enthusiasm with which Georgiana entered into her 
description of Bath, and the lofty panegyrics she lavished 
upon it, wrought so powerfully upon the doctor, whose love 
of sweet sounds has already been seen, that he actually 
stopped short in" his walk, and stood gazing with admiration 
and surprise at his daughter, until she had exhausted her 
stock of heroics ; or rather, without allowing her to proceed to 
the extent to which her enthusiastic temperament would have 
led her, he observed, as she paused a moment to take breath, 
" Well, well, Georgie, that's all exceedingly fine, but what 
then ? — all you say only proves, as your French folk would 
say, * Avoir la langue deliee,' your talk is all random trash." 

" Now, indeed, papa, that's very cruel," replied Georgiana; 
" I'm sure if my tongue were not hung as well as it is, you 
would not like it so well as you sometimes say you do ; and 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 287 

as for talking at random, how should I express my admira- 
tion of what I highly approve ? If, however, you wish it, I 
will in future only use monosyllables, or reply to all questions 
by a wink or a nod." 

" Bless thee, girl, bless thee," said the fond doctor affec- 
tionately, as he imprinted a kiss upon her glowing cheek, 
and looked upon her with a species of idolization, " you are 
a little arch wag, that's what you are, and think to cajole me 
into compliance with your wishes by telling me a fine tale. 

" No, indeed, papa, I do not," replied the lovely girl; "but 
I should like to see Bath ;" and she placed her beautiful fore- 
head on her father's shoulder as she spoke, and pressed her 
cheek against his — " indeed I should." 

"Should you indeed ?" responded the doctor; "well, sup- 
pose I say I will gratify your wishes ?" 

" Why then," said Georgiana, " I'll do all in my power to 
prove that I appreciate your kindness." 

"Then you shall have the opportunity," returned the 
rector, as he placed his arm within his daughter's, and re- 
commenced his walk ; " you shall have the opportunity, my 
Georgie ; not that I for a moment question what you say, 
but that you may display it : you shall go to Bath, aye, and 
to Clifton too." 

" Shall I indeed ?" said the delighted girl ; "then I'll com- 
mence my proof by- pardoning the cruel reflection you just 
now threw out, respecting my tongue." 

"Well, that's proof indeed," said the doctor; "ha, ha, 
ha ! but shall I have no further proof ?" 

" Oh yes, papa," replied the young girl ; " there's a seal of 
forgiveness," and she gave a kiss which might have been 
considered by some persons worth a hundred jaunts to Bath; 
"and besides which," she continued, "I'll ask a great many 
more favours before we go, and when we arrive at Bath — " 

"Excellent," said the doctor, "excellent, ha, ha, ha! I 
think I must take care how I transgress again, if my absolu- 
tion is to cost so much : why I question if a cardinal would 
not have absolved me of a much weightier offence for a less 
sum than it appears likely I shall have to pay : — but come," 
he continued, "let us see after supper;" and so saying, they 
went into the house. 

The news of this intended excursion soon reached from 
Miss Georgiana's waiting-maid to every other servant in the 
family, and by no one was it listened to with more delight 



288 THE RAMBLES OF 

than by Claudius. His elf-like spirit rejoiced at having a 
fresh prospect presented of playing off some fresh tricks, as 
well as having an opportunity of mingling with the inhabit- 
ants of this busy world, and taking notes of — 

11 The foibles and the follies of the men 
Who stand as waymarks to the human race, 
In rank, and wealth, and influence, possessed; 
To warn them of the danger these create. — 
Or gaze, with eye of observation keen, 
Upon the vanities of woman-kind." 

The mind of our hero was evidently of original and singu- 
lar construction. There were periods when a species of 
philosophic abstractedness came over him, and then the 
world and the world's vanities pleased him not : all appeared 
" stale, flat, and unprofitable ;" under such moody feelings — 
like Beattie's Edwin, or Byron's Childe Harold, he loved to 
retire from his fellows, and frequently stole to some secluded 
spot, where he might indulge in contemplations and reveries 
suited to the temperament of his mind at the moment. These 
jits, however, for they were little else, were comparatively of 
short duration ; the leading character of this wayward wight 
was mischief-loving eccentricity. To indulge in this propen- 
sity, he hesitated not to step never so much out of his way, 
or to expose himself to consequences of a serious nature. 
His wish appeared to be to learn men from life rather than 
from books, and to gain a knowledge of character from per- 
sonal observation instead of seeking it through the caricature 
theories of the schools ; and hence, there was not any thing 
singular in the delight which he experienced when the in- 
formation referred to reached him. 

As we have said, all was bustle and preparation at the 
rectory on the Monday morning. The ladies of the needle 
had delayed coming at the precise moment Georgiana had 
expected, and the consequence was, that a certain quantum 
of peevishness, not usually displayed by her, appeared on 
this trying occasion. 

" This is really very provoking," observed the young lady 
as she looked at her watch and found it was already at least 
Jive minutes past the time at which the milliner and dress- 
makers had promised to attend. " Whatever can be the 
cause of this annoying delay?" she added, walking from one 
end of the room to the other. " I suppose I must despatch 
a courier after them, or I shall be disappointed in my prepa- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 289 

rations. So saying, she rang the bell, and Claudius, as the 
factotum of the establishment, entered : " Claudius," said his 
young mistress, " at what time did Miss Dressheads promise 
to be here ?" 

" At ten, Miss," answered our hero. 

" And the Misses Fashionfit?" resumed the young lady. 

" At the same time, Madam," replied Claudius. 

"Certainly," said Georgiana, "so I understood; and it is 
now nearly seven minutes past the time,— bless me, how ex- 
ceedingly provoking it is ! Run, Claudius, run directly, and 
say, if the ladies cannot come immediately, I must seek some 
other persons." 

" I will, Miss," said Claudius. 

"And, Claudius," continued Miss Georgiana," as you re- 
turn, call on Mr. Calfskin, my shoemaker, and say I wish to 
see him in the course of the morning ; — or let me see, — aye, 
tell him to bring me a few pairs of satin slippers ; and as 
you pass Mr. Scentbox's, the perfumer, step in and desire 
him to send me some of his most fashionable perfumery; 
and inform Mr. Silktwist, the draper, that I shall feel obliged 
by a sample of some of the last new dresses, and ribbons, 
and— but never mind, now, the other matters you can attend 
to when you come back : — now run, Claudius, make all pos- 
sible haste, there's a good lad," 

A smile from such a face as Miss Georgiana's, and such a 
smile as she now gave Claudius, would have been considered 
a reward for which any noble knight, during the chivalric 
days of our third Edward, would cheerfully have ventured 
iimb and life ; nor was its magic influence entirely lost upon 
our hero; the inspiring influence shot like quicksilver through 
his system, and with as active and graceful a motion as any 
knight-errant of the period referred to would have displayed 
in the cause of lady-love, he bowed his obedience to his 
young mistress, and vanished like a sprite to execute her 
commands. 

Claudius had not left the house more than five minutes, 
before " rap, tap, tap, tap," and a violent pull at the door- 
bell, announced a visitor, and in a few seconds Miss Dress- 
heads, the milliner, curtsied to Miss Georgiana. 

This young lady had recently emigrated from the purlieus 
of Regent Street, and opened a flaming concern in Christ- 
church. The cause of this lady's leaving the metropolis had 
not transpired, maugre all the anxiety, and enquiry, and 



290 THE RAMBLES OF 

surmising, which from her first appearance in the country 
had been on foot. All that was known, and many things 
were guessed, by certain well-disposed females, who looked 
serious, gave a palsied motion to their wise craniums, and 
turned up their eyes so as to display a considerable portion 
of the whites of them as they held converse concerning Miss 
Dressheads, — all that was known, as we have said, in the place 
where she had established, or was seeking to establish herself, 
was, that she had come, as aforesaid, from the metropolis,. 
— that a dashing shop window, in which a dashing and large 
announcement *vas displayed, stating name, profession, with 
professions, and from whence she had come — displayed the 
most fashionable, and the newest fashions, that the exterior 
of a lady's head could require, or that the interior of most 
ladies' heads could conceive ; so that all the fashionables 
in the place had fairly deserted the old standards, and had 
nocked — 

"By fashion led, and swayed by prejudice," 
to the shop of the now celebrated Miss Dressheads from 
London ■ 

This was the sum total of all that was known of this 
fashionable milliner, and perhaps this was quite as much as 
was necessary to be known, both for the satisfaction and 
profit of either party. The " has bleus" of the town were 
satisfied that having come from London, and having more- 
over a pretty good share of confidence (vulgar impudence), 
she must of course be just such a person as the town of 
Christchurch wanted in its present rising character, and, 
therefore, just such a person as they ought to patronise ; — 
and above and beyond all this, the point which confirmed 
them in their high opinion of the superior taste, &c, of this 
lady adventurer was, that her charges were at least double 
the ordinary ones made by the old professionals in the place, 
although they had long been complained of as most exor- 
bitant, and declared to be perfectly ruinous by the economic 
wives who now patronised Miss Dressheads, and proved to 
be so by too many of their husbands. 

" Good morning, Miss Titheum," said the dashing milli- 
ner, as she entered the apartment ; " I fear I have a little ex- 
ceeded my time ; but, really, I am so overwhelmed with en- 
gagements, that if I could for a short time dispose of myself 
at half a dozen places at the same time, I should not be able 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 291 

to attend to the whole. I really fear I shall be obliged to re- 
turn to London — my engagements, if persevered in, will cer- 
tainly be the death of me. However," she continued, — for her 
voluble powers were nothing impaired by her numerous and 
killing engagements, — " However, I am proud to have put an 
improved taste into motion, which was much wanted here. I 
should hope the old-fashioned, common-place people who call 
themselves milliners, will be able so far to improve upon my 
hints, as to keep pace with the wants of the gentry ; — but 
what am I saying ? my wishes can never be realized, that's 
certain — the still antiquated formal habits which the people 
here have so long indulged in, will never be put off; and 
hence no lady will ever be able to obtain a bonnet or a cap, or 
indeed a head-dress of any kind, fit to put on, unless some 
superior hands in our line follow me here. Oh, by the bye, 
my dear Miss Titheum, you were wishing to have a bonnet, 
if I mistake not, precisely like the one I made for her Grace 
the Duchess of Kent." 

" Exactly so," replied Georgiana. 

" I should like to see it," said Miss Dresshead (aside), as 
the play-people say. — " Well, Miss, you shall have it to your 
liking. It is, however, — excuse me for merely naming it, — 
it is rather an expensive thing ; and yet, taking into the ac- 
count the fashion and quality, nothing out of the way — no- 
thing at all." 

" About what sum, did you say ?" enquired Georgiana. 

" Why, — ah — something — ah — about — let me see — yes — 
about, ah — ah — five guineas," returned Miss Dresshead. 

" Five guineas !" exclaimed Georgiana, alarmed. 

" Yes, Miss, about that," returned the London milliner, 
with the utmost sang-froid. — " Ihave refused making one 
this very morning, for a lady who wished one of the same 
kind, — because the price didn't suit," she added aside, — 
" that you might take the lead in the town." 

" Five guineas !" repeated Georgiana, half mentally. 

" By what time do you wish I should send it home, Miss ?" 
enquired the milliner. 

" Why, if I were to have one of that kind, I should re- 
quire it, without fail, early on Wednesday morning," replied 
Georgiana. 

" It shall be here on Tuesday night," returned Miss Dress- 
head ; " one or two of my young ladies shall sit up the whole 
of to-night upon it." 

o2 



292 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Oh, by no means," said Georgiana ; " I could not think 
of such a thing on any account." 

"What thing?" enquired the milliner in apparent sur- 
prise. 

" Why, as for young people to sit up the whole of a night 
on my account," replied Georgiana. 

" Oh, — is that all, my dear Miss ?" rejoined Miss Dress- 
head, — " Why, we never think of allowing our young people 
in London to lie in bed above two nights in a week ; — we 
could never get on if we were> I assure you. But about the 
dress cap of which you were speaking : that, of course, is to 
be uniform," continued the ready-tongued milliner. 

" Why, really, Miss Dresshead," said Georgiana, " I don't 
know what to say ; I almost fear to engage in that." 

" Oh, my dear Miss Titheum," observed the garrulous 
lady, " that will not be a long price — I'll warrant it shall be 
the best British lace, and — " 

"And at what price, Miss Dresshead ?" enquired Georgiana. 

" Why, for such an article as you must have to match with 
the bonnet," said the milliner, " and, indeed, which will be 
indispensable for a lady at Bath, — it will be a mere song, I 
assure you : it shan't exceed four guineas — perhaps something 
less ; — it would, upon my honour, be dirt cheap at five." 

Georgiana half shrieked at the sound ; but a little illumi- 
nating conversation from the London artiste concerning ap- 
pearances, fashion, rank, and a thousand other small matters, 
settled the point ; and, without waiting for any thing posi- 
tive, she again curtsied politely and retired : observing as 
she quitted the room, — " They shall be here, without fail, to- 
morrow evening. I wish you a very good morning, Miss 
Titheum." 

The all-accomplished Miss Dresshead had imbibed the 
French proverb in its spirit ; although, perhaps, she had never 
seen it in black and white, — fashion must be supported, 
" coute qui coute." She was aware that all she had to do with 
the young and the foolish, was to prove to them it was neces- 
sary, and she might serve in what she pleased. As we have 
seen, she had tried her skill at persuading very successfully 
with Georgiana ; while that young lady (like many others 
since her day) saw, while Miss Dresshead conversed with 
her, as she never before had done, the indispensable necessity 
of donning the top of the fashion at such a fashionable place 
as Bath : at the same time, she felt a certain unpleasant sen- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 293 

sation attending the reflection of the expense she was incur- 
ring ; and the only relief she could obtain was, either to turn 
her mind to some other subject, or urge the fallacious argu- 
ment, — necessary from circumstances. 

Scarcely had the milliner made her exit, than the knocker 
and the bell kept up a constant medley, as the different trades- 
men and callings appeared to present themselves and their 
commodities before the rector's daughter. 

The two dress-makers were soon despatched with their 
commissions ; for every garment, almost, in Georgiana's pretty 
large wardrobe required some alteration for Bath : while new 
ones were necessary to be prepared for the ball-room, the 
promenade, and the gardens. 

Mr. Calfskin measured her tiny foot, for dancing and walk- 
ing slippers ; and Scentbox, the perfumer, saturated the house 
with his various and recommended stores. 

On no previous occasion did Georgiana welcome the close 
of day more heartily than at the present time ; — what with 
excitement of mind, and the fatigue of making so many ar- 
rangements, and giving directions to so many different per- 
sons, she was more than half indisposed. The thought of 
visiting, what she had been taught to believe, the most 
lovely and fashionable city in the country, intoxicated her 
mind, and rendered her doubly anxious to make suitable pre- 
parations for the memorable event. Had she believed the oft- 
quoted line, and acted up to her belief, that, 

" Beauty, when unadorned, 's adorned the most," 

she would have escaped half the fatigue she endured. In 
truth, her own rich adorning, which nature had so liberally 
supplied, required no art or trickery of dress to set it off; — 
ill indeed that it could do was to disfigure and deform, or 
conceal beauties by its quantity and glare, which it was fool- 
ishly enough supposed to give effect to. The ugly and the 
old alone require to be hid in costly finery ; and for them, 
fashion, as it is called, changes constantly its form and figure : 
while the young and beautiful, seduced by the adulation 
which fortune-seekers and coxcombs pay to dress, assume the 
same garb, 

And veil their loveliness in coverings made 
For beauty's apers, who require a shade ; 
And so descend, where else they sure would rise- 
Conquering the heart, e'en as they'd charm the eyes. 



294 THE RAMBLES OF 

At length the morning of Wednesday came ; the prepara- 
tions for the party's leaving the rectory had been duly made ; 
and at twelve o'clock the doctor and his daughter stepped 
into the carriage. Joseph took his seat on the box, and 
Claudius, with as much elevation of feeling as if he had been 
on the eve of taking a journey to the moon, or some equally 
novel tour, vaulted into, or upon, his place, behind the vehi- 
cle. " Click, click," and a gentle twig of the reins from Jo- 
seph, set the horses in motion, and off the visitors went to- 
wards Bath. 

As nothing of any importance, worthy of being chronicled 
in this memoir, occurred on the road, we feel we have no- 
thing to record ; and, therefore, while the party are pursuing 
their way towards " the city of Valetudinarians," as oui 
Saxon progenitors called Bath, we shall step out before them 
and pay our editorial respects to Lady Bolio and her friends, 
who were already comfortably settled there, 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

Laws. A nightingale say'st thou? Yes, 'tis a nightingale ; 
Its warbling so enchants my list'ning ear, 
That I could swear it that sweet "bird of night. 

Ixion. Or is it not like thunder ; at whose noise 
Poor mortals quake, and fear to list again? 

Laius. Why, by my troth, 'tis very thunder-like !' 

Ixion. Aye, boy, — such is woman's tongue. — So soft 
When love it speaks, that then the nightingale 
It rivals ; — but, when passion moves its strings, 
The thunder's crash is a soft lute to it." 

Otway. 

" I tell you, Doctor Leechum, I have made up my mind, and 
therefore go / will. If you refuse to accompany me, why it 
will be your own fault should any thing occur which you may 
not exactly approve of, and which your presence might have 
prevented. I clare say I shall find some person a leetle more 
gallant than my husband, who will not attempt to thwart mein 
any of my wishes : indeed I have been informed, and upon 
authority such as I feel no disposition to question, that there 
is no want of Chaperon es in this delightful city. Oh, Dr. 
Leechum, Dr. Leechum, you did not always treat me thus 
cruelly ! there was a time when you prevented my wishing 
by anticipating every wish I could have felt ; but things have 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 295 

strangely changed since you have secured me in legal bond- 
age : — now, indeed, you strive to prevent my wishing, by at- 
tempting to crush every desire I have ; but Fll not be served 
so, by my womanhood I will not, I see that gentleness and 
meek submission suit you not, Sir ; I'll try another method, 
that Twill. Why, nearly two weeks have passed away since 
we came to Bath, and I have positively seen nothing ! — no, 
not a single thing, excepting that I have been three times to 
the theatre, to one gala at Sydney garden, and, — let me 
think, — aye, to two dress balls; with these few exceptions I 
have just seen nothing ! and now you are raising a thousand 
objections to my enjoying what above all other things I should 
delight in ; — but I have said it, and go I will! I have ordered 
my dress, and it will be here, I expect, in two hours' time." 

So said Mrs. Leechum, while seated with her dear doctor, 
over the dessert. She had, as the lady very accurately stated, 
been in Bath nearly a fortnight, and during all that period 
she had only witnessed the few scenes of diversion of which 
a list has been furnished, — excepting a visit to Clifton, which 
by some means had escaped her tenacious memory. 

The gentle altercation with which this chapter commences, 
arose from a wish which Mrs. Leechum had expressed to at- 
tend a masquerade that night, against which her husband had 
presumed, although uselessly, to raise his voice. For a full 
half-hour the point had been argued, — not fairly, we grant, for 
the doctor could only very occasionally put a word in, — 
during which time Lady Bolio was absent, changing her 
dress, which by accident had been considerably soiled by the 
overturning of a decanter of wine, the contents of which ran 
into her lap. 

It is only necessary " en p ass ant" to observe, that the gen- 
tle-tempered Mrs. Leechum hated nothing within the cir- 
cumference of this naughty world, more cordially than con- 
troversy; at least she so said, — the reason for which we opine 
was, she disliked being contradicted. With the full inten- 
tion, therefore, to prevent controversy on the present occa- 
sion, she expressed her determination, calmly, distinctly, and 
fully, as already recorded. 

<( But, my dear Mrs. Leechum," returned the doctor 
mildly, still anxious to carry his point, yet fearing the conse- 
quences of seeming to oppose, " do consider, my love, — " 

;i What is it you intend, Doctor Leechum ?" enquired his 
excited lady, without allowing him to finish his sentence, — 



296 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Do you wish that I should consider myself a child in lead- 
ing-strings, or a prisoner under the serveillance of a jailor V 

" Neither, my dear," replied the doting doctor ; " all I 
wish is that you would exercise your good sense, and — " 

" I have exercised it," replied Mrs. Leechum, *' and, there- 
fore, it is that I determine to go." 

" Yet, think of the impropriety, dear, of attending a 
masquerade alone," reasoned the doctor ; — " What will be 
said by ill-disposed persons who may hear of it ?" 

" They will say," returned the lady, u that I displayed the 
spirit of a woman in following my own will ; and that I did 
right in doing so, when the gentleman who should have met 
all my wishes without opposition, refused to escort me." 

" I have told you, dear," replied the doctor, " that I de- 
test such indiscriminate associations, and that to frequent 
them is to patronise one of the most effective systems that evil 
did ever suggest, to promote infidelity and vice. What dis- 
graceful assignations can be made openly and without shame,, 
to the ruin of reputation and a husband's peace, where the 
blush of modesty is hid beneath a mask — while the professed 
libertine pours into the ear of her he wishes to seduce, those 
moral opiates, which, but for the garb that each has assumed* 
he would not have dared to breathe." 

" Monstrous I Doctor Leechum, monstrous !" exclaimed 
his wife, horrified at his observations. — " Your insinuations* 
suspicions, and criminations, are positively dreadful, — I un- 
derstand their import, I assure you, Sir ; but I'll convince 
you I'm not the debased and profligate female you charge me 
with being." 

" Bless me, my dear !" returned the astonished Leechum, 
opening wide his eyes, " you entirely misunderstand me, — I 
was merely going to hint — " 

" Such excessively broad hints, at least, might Have been 
omitted," observed Mrs. Leechum ; " but I tell you once for 
all, Doctor Leechum, that go I certainly will, if only to prove 
to you that your cruel insinuations and criminal suspicions, 
are as much without foundation as they are destitute of good 
principle ; — there now," continued the lady, as she perceived 
the doctor was about to throw in a rejoinder, " it will be 
quite as well if all this waste of breath is spared : my mind is 
fixed, — I will go /" 

Had Mrs. Leechum sat to the most distinguished scribe of 
the present, or of any former age, her character could not 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 297 

have been more graphically sketched than it is in the follow- 
ing pithy rhymes ; — at the same time let it be borne in mind 
by the fair reader, that from its sweeping and universal ap- 
plication we heartily dissent : — 

«' What man on earth has power or skill 
To change the torrent of a woman's will? 
For if she will, she will, you may depend on't; 
And if she won't, she won't, and there's an end on't." 

If for one moment we may be allowed to offer the reflec- 
tion of a moralist on this part of our history, it would be 
summed up in a short compass ; namely, that the constant 
jarring and discord which existed between Dr. Leechum and 
his lady, was the almost unavoidable result of a union in 
which a disparity of ages existed. The tastes and views of 
hilarious twenty-three can never be made to feel and enjoy 
with the grave and sober habits of sixty. The cold blood 
which flows in the veins of the latter, can never glow with 
the generous heat which circulates through the system of 
the former ; and hence, while one revels in all the hey-day 
blithesomeness of cheerful spring, ever seeking delight, and 
panting after fresh enjoyments ; the other, encased as it were 
in the curdling winter of age, will possess neither inclination 
nor power to relish pleasure themselves, or allow its enjoy- 
ment in reference to others. The impropriety of youth and 
beauty uniting itself to age and wrinkles, must be evident to 
all who will reflect for a moment — it is like placing 

'* Arcadian beauty, or the tubal rose, 
'Midst frozen deserts, and eternal snows ; 
Or rudely daring, with an atheist hand, 
Perfection's works with infamy to brand ; 
Outraging nature : and for ruin's cause, 
Make nature act oppose to her own laws." 

At the moment that the doctor's young wife issued her 
final determination, in rather harsh sounds to her lord's ears, 
Lady Bolio re-entered the room. 

"Oh my dear Lady Bolio/' exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, 
" how happy I am that you have returned ; I feel confident 
that Dr. Leechum purposes to be the death of me." 

"Why, what has occurred, my dear?" enquired Lady 
Bolio, in something like alarm. 

" I assure you, Lady Bolio," observed Leechum, " I was 
merely hinting, — " 

"No such thing, I assure your ladyship," interrupted 

o5 



298 THE RAMBLES OF 

Mrs. Leechum — "no such thing, on the word of an op- 
pressed woman." 

" Well, my dear," returned Lady Bolio, soothingly; "be 
composed, don't flurry yourself, I dare say all will soon be 
adjusted." 

Now the soothing strain adopted by her ladyship, acted 
directly opposed to what was intended • — that is, instead of 
calming, it excited the doctor's lady. She burst into a flood 
of tears, and looked, a very Niobe, excepting only that she 
did not, as that lady is said to have done, weep herself into 
a statue ; it became a grave question, however, even with 
Leechum himself, whether or not the lancet would not be 
required. The fact is most unquestionable, that the lady 
had nearly made up her mind to fall into violent hysterics, 
but revolving the matter in her mind, she thought it would 
not do, as in that case she should deprive herself of the plea- 
sure of talking, and perhaps of going to the masquerade 
that evening; and therefore she resolved not to faint, but 
state to Lady Bolio the cruel thraldom in which her husband 
held, or rather wished to hold her, — for hold her he could 
not. 

" Am I not composed, Lady Bolio?" asked Mrs. Leechum, 
while her beautiful eyes poured out a fountain of tears, which 
rolled like pearls down her pretty cheeks— for pretty they 
were, although somewhat puffed up with excitement. " Do 
I flurry myself?" she continued; "Haven't I cause for my 
wretchedness ? — Not a day, scarcely an hour, passes, but I 
am contradicted and opposed by the gentleman who is bound 
by love and honour to attend to my will in every thing. 
I'm sure I am not unreasonable in my desires ; I never 
reply scarcely to any observation which he makes, or insist 
in the least matter to do my own pleasure. I make it my 
constant study, as your ladyship knows, to please him in 
every thing, and never so much as whisper a contradiction; 
and yet, all I can do, and all I patiently suffer, fails to secure 
for me anv little indulgence, or, indeed, common respect. — ■ 
Oh! oh! oh!" 

Who could have withstood such a powerful appeal to the 
passions, as this pathetic speech, terminated as it was by 
choaking grief, bursting forth in a heart-bursting " oh! oh ! 
oh !" — who, we enquire, could have withstood such an appeal? 
No barbarian of the dark ages, whether Goth, Pict, or Vandal, 
or modern brute, who occupied a stall, or filled a throne, — 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 299 

although proof has been given that such can bear much, — 
yet neither of such gentlemen could have steeled their 
bosoms against it. How then could the gentle, kind-hearted, 
trembling Dr. Leechum do so I — He looked upon his young 
— his beautiful — his dear wife, and at once resolved, if only 
to save her the frequent endurance of such torment, to allow 
her to do just as she pleased. 

t( Well, my dear," observed Leechum, " allow me to hint 
one thing — " 

"No, no, no," exclaimed the calm and docile lady; "I'll 
not hear one of your hints : you see, Lady Bolio," she con- 
tinued, " You see how it is with your own eyes, and hear 
how it is with your own ears ; am I not most barbarously 
dealt with ? — Oh, that I should ever have sol^ my liberty to 
one who knows not how to use me l" 

Every thing that had transpired between Dr. and Mrs. 
Leechum, had taken place during Lady Bolio's absence, and 
therefore she was of necessity ignorant of the cause of dis- 
pute ; and as neither of the party felt disposed to allow the 
other, or to give themselves, the explanation she wished for, 
she was completely at a loss how to act, or which side to 
take. 

" Now, Doctor Leechum," said her ladyship, " do permit 
me to entreat you to — " 

" Entreat him, indeed," exclaimed Mrs. Leechum," — aye, 
you may entreat him until doom's-day, but no other result 
will follow than leaving him where you found him, I can 
assure your ladyship. I have tried it again and again ; I have 
coaxed, and besought, and wept, but all in vain. Oh, that ever 
I should have got married I but I'm determined to go." 

" To go where ?" enquired Lady Bolio, alarmed. 

" Oh, hasn't he informed your ladyship ?" returned Mrs. 
Leechum. 

"Informed me of what, my dear?" said Lady Bolio. 

" Ah, there it is, your ladyship ?" responded Mrs. Leechum, 
—"there it is; he feels conscious of the wrong he does me, 
and therefore he wishes to hide the cause of his opposition." 

" But where is it, my dear, you iiinted you were going?" 
asked Lady Bolio. 

"Why, to the masquerade to-night," replied Mrs. Leechum ; 
"no where else, I assure you." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! is that all?" roared Lady Bolio, surprised 
that so small a matter should have Ud to so large a dispute. 



300 THE RAMBLES OP 

— To the masquerade, and so you have been quarrelling 
all this time about a foolish masquerade, have you ? — ha I 
ha! ha!'' 

Once more the bright and expressive eyes of the doctor's 
spouse beamed with delight, as she heard Lady Bolio, as 
she imagined, take side with her. 

"That is the whole of it, my dear Lady Bolio," said Mrs. 
Leechum ; " I just stated, as mildly as possible, my wish to 
see the masquerade, — that is, if the doctor did not object, 
and he at once positively opposed my going." 

"Well, now," said Lady Bolio, "let it be so; I'll take 
care and have a party this evening at home, and as the 
doctor wishes it, say you do not intend to go, and — " 

"No, indeed," interrupted Mrs. Leechum; "if I could 
submit to any individual in the world, I am sure it would be 
to the counsel of your ladyship ; but no, I have made up my 
mind to go, and I certainly will." 

"Well then," returned Lady Bolio, jocosely, "we will 
certainly enjoy ourselves at home; promise me, my dear 
Mrs. Leechum, you will not be jealous." 

"Jealous," echoed the lady, "jealous — ha, ha, ha 1 — no, 
indeed, Lady Bolio, I am not made of such inflammable mate- 
rials ; besides, in your ladyship's company, I could leave in 
perfect confidence even an Adonis. " 

" Really, my dear Mrs. Leechum, I feel the honour of 
your opinion,' 5 returned Lady Bolio, "and hope I shall never 
forfeit it: but suppose I were to accompany you to-night?" 

" Oh, do so, my dear Lady Bolio," cried the doctor's 
gentle wife ; " do so, and oblige me ;. I should, indeed I 
should, above all things be delighted with your company." 

"Well, I do think I shall once more, and for the last time, 
indulge myself," returned her ladyship. " It is now, at least, 
twelve months since I attended a masquerade — but can't we 
persuade the doctor to accompany us ?" 

" Oh no, indeed you cannot ; you cannot, upon my word," 
replied Mrs. Leechum, as if alarmed at the very idea of her 
husband's company with them. 

"Well, I don't know, my dear," observed the doctor, 
meditatively ; "I don't know, — as Lady Bolio purposes to 
go, and it will be obliging you, I think I will go." 

" Aye, that's right, now," said Lady Bolio ; " I knew he 
could be persuaded. Bless you, my dear," added her lady- 
ship to Mrs. Leechum, the way to make husbands do as 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 301 

their wives wish them, is to speak good- tempered) y, and 
treat them kindly." 

Mrs. Leechum heard not the apostrophe of Lady Bolio; 
her ears had drunk in the words of her husband with as good 
a relish, almost, as the king of Denmark did the "juice of 
cursed hebenon," while 

" Sleeping within his orchard, 
His custom always in the afternoon ;" 

and therefore to him alone she replied. 

" I am sure it would be highly improper if you did attend, 
Doctor Leechum ; and because Lady Bolio 's going," she 
added, " that 's a compliment for me, certainly/*' 

" I was merely going to hint/" rejoined the doctor with agi- 
tation, for he perceived his lady's eye was again becoming 
alarmingly bright, " I was merely going to hint — " 

"Yes, yes,"- said Mrs. Leechum," we are aware of it, — ■ 
that, as Lady Bolio purposes to go, you will make one of the 
party. J think you had better not, doctor ; indeed, / could 
not consent to it." 

The king's wish expressed, is a command implied ; and no 
loyal courtier would hesitate to attend it. Dr. Leechum 
was not a courtier, most certainly ; neither, as certainly, was 
Mrs. Leechum a king, — more reasons than one prevented it 5 
but her wish bore the same character, and Leechum acknow- 
ledged it. 

" Umph," said the doctor to himself, for above his breath 
he dared not speak, for his peace's welfare : " to what is not 
a married man obliged to submit ! not for conscience, but for 
comforfs sake." " Well, my dear," he continued, " I think,, 
as you say, I had better not go ; indeed, I have made up my 
mind not to do so." 

u Have you so, love ?" said the affectionate wife with an 
expressive look; " well, I suppose you must do as you please, 
you know I never wish to force your will." 

" Oh, certainly not, certainly not," replied the doctor ; 
and bit his lips. 

" I have directed my dress, Lady Bolio, to be here by seven 
o'clock," observed Mrs. Leechum ; hadn't your ladyship 
better make your selection, and send orders that the dress 
you may fix upon should be sent at the same time ? " 

The point was at once settled that it should be so, and the 
ladies retired instanter, regretting, of course, that the doctor 



302 THE RAMBLES OF 

would not consent to be of the party; and proceeded to 
make arrangements for their night's excursion, while Leech- 
urn, for the purpose of drowning some rising feelings which 
had in them a considerable portion of mental gangrene, in- 
dulged himself more freely than he was wont to do, in drink- 
ing the health of all absent friends, not forgetting to pledge 
his own : so that by the time the masquerade dresses came 
home, this modern ^Esculapius was almost in need of a sto- 
mach-pump to free his distended body from the large quan- 
tity of Port which he had swallowed. 

A mathematical polemic, whose cranium gave the develop- 
ment of logical precision pretty largely, would be ready to 
enquire, supposing the question were mooted, — " Can evil 
produce good ?" To such we should feel disposed to reply, 
that indirectly, at least, it can : and our response would be 
founded upon the proof furnished in the doctor's case : — for 
had the leech not taken so large a quantity of wine as abso- 
lutely to incapacitate him to stand or go, he had fully made 
up his mind, after he had taken half a dozen glasses, to 
follow Lady Bolio and his wife to the masquerade. Now, 
had he so done, mischief incalculable would in all probability 
have been the result ; for, elated as he then was with grape 
juice, as well as grievously afflicted with jealousy, he would 
have befooled himself in the room, and have annoyed the 
company : as it was, he escaped the mortification which after- 
reflection would have brought, while the maskers were pre- 
served from the inconvenience. 

The ladies were so fully engaged as almost, if not entirely, 
to have forgotten the doctor ; and when they looked into the 
room, a few minutes before they left home, he was fast 
asleep, with his head lying on the table. The amiable 
partner of his joys and sorrows exulted to find her spouse 
so decidedly composed, and fearing lest her soft step should 
rouse him from his refreshing slumbers, she tripped back to 
her room, and put the final adorning on her own loved per- 
son. Precisely as the clock struck ten a pair of chairs were 
announced as being at the door, and forth the ladies sallied 
from their attiring apartments, and seating themselves in 
their snug boxes, were borne between two pairs of brawny 
shoulders each, to the masquerade. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 303 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

u I've seen the day 
That I have worn a visard, and could tell 
A whispering tale in a fair lady's ear, 
Such as would please ; 'tis gone, 'tis gone, 'tis gone." 

Capulet. 

" A very picture of this motley world, 

In antics strange, aud wearing stranger garbs, 
Rude and preposterous, and which sadly suit 
The idle wearers who have domi'd them*" 

Otway. 

The spacious and elegant new assembly rooms in Bath-— 
than which none dedicated to pleasure in the kingdom are su- 
perior — blazed with light, so as almost to put day's meridian 
glory to the blush. A considerable number of maskers had 
already entered upon a variety of strange and grotesque antics 
before Lady Bolio and the doctor's, now happy, wife arrived. 
The latter entered the room richly habited as a wealthy Heiress 
of Spain. Her dress and figure, which were really handsome, 
attracted various eyes ; the initiated into the mysteries of the 
astronomy of fashion, gazed upon the young wife, as if a new 
star had dropped from its orbit among them ; while whis- 
perings of admiration went round an apparent social party, 
as she trode lightly to the sound of a guitar, which at the 
moment was struck by a practised hand, as if to welcome 
her entree. 

Lady Bolio had been guided in her choice of the cha- 
racter she should assume, by the one which Mrs. Leechum had 
taken, and, therefore, very appropriately selected that of a 
Duenna ; her gait, as well as the dress she wore, bespoke 
the female guardian excellently well, and many were the 
resolves which at that time were made by different indivi- 
duals, that they would rob the duenna of her charge. 

At a short distance from the door at which our heroines 
entered, stood a character superlatively attractive. The rich 
costume of a Knight of the Golden F.eece which he wore ? 
was splendid in the extreme, while the manly proportions of 
his figure were admirably displayed by the dress which he had 
donned ; moreover there was, in the attitude he had assumed, 
a gallant bearing, which could scarcely fail to attract the 
attention of a romantic subject of the opposite sex. 

As our Spanish heroine entered, the fixed gaze of the 



304 THE RAMBLES OP 

Knight of the Golden Fleece was turned full upon her. 
The character which each sustained, appeared to challenge a 
display of knightly courtesy on one side, and of Spanish 
intrigue on the other. At a little remove from the knight, 
stood his page, who, as the heroines passed up the room, 
whispered the knight, familiarly, " 'Pon my honour, that's a 
beautiful creature — what say you, shall we carry her off?" 

" Hush," returned the knight, " remember your character, 
you are my page, and we stand much upon etiquette." 

" Ton my honour," returned the page, " that had com- 
pletely escaped me — the beautiful Donna had driven every 
thing out of my head to make room for herself, 'pon my 
honour." 

" Only attend my motions and do my bidding," replied he 
of the golden fleece, " and, all the world to a cracked dice, 
but I'll bear off the prize. In the first place, the good graces 
of the duenna must be secured ; that object accomplished, 
the game will run smoothly. If they should prove ladies of 
condition — and I flatter myself I can judge pretty correctly 
on such a matter — and have any taste for i shuffle and cut,' 
— being ladies of family, they must have, — why so much the 
better, for by that means two grand points may be obtained ; 
in the first place, my plans will be facilitated ; and, in the 
second, a few hundreds be bagged." 

" 'Pon my honour," returned the page, " your knightship 
reasons well; neither the noble Marlborough, nor his gallant 
princely ally, ever devised their plans for the siege of a town 
or citadel with more promptitude and wisdom." 

" If our success but equals theirs, we shall have cause of 
triumph," said the knight ; " until then we must do as well 
as talk" 

As the knight and his page continued thus to converse, 
the heiress glided like a thing of air, round and through the 
splendid and magnificent room, 

" The admired of all beholders." 

closely followed by her attendant, while the knight, like the 
very shadow of herself, was constantly by her side. 

Waltzing had been pretty general for an hour or more, 
and the room was exceedingly crowded with company, when, 
overcome by the heat, the duenna complained to her fair 
mistress of indisposition, and appeared as if about to faint 
No circumstance could have occurred more propitious for 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 305 

the Knight. His quick eye watched the presented oppor- 
tunity, and with a graceful ease he improved it to his pur- 
pose. 

With a respectful air, he approached the Duenna, like one 
well schooled in a knowledge of the whims and caprices 
of such important personages, and, in the most courtly 
style, proffered his assistance, which was graciously ac- 
cepted. 

Having led the lady to a seat, he turned to his page. 
" Lorenzo," he exclaimed, " haste with the fleetness of a 
courier dove, and obtain refreshment for this worthy lady." 

" I will, Sir Gaston," answered the Page, and bowing low 
he retired. 

" Sir Knight," observed the Duenna, " your gallantry 
merits other returns than from my poor hand it can receive." 

" It ever behoves a knight, lady," returned he of the 
Golden Fleece, " and, above all knights, one of the distin- 
guished order with which I stand connected, to protect op- 
pressed ladies, and assist the afflicted." 

M I thank you, Sir Knight," said the Duenna, " for your 
attentions ; already I feel recovered." 

The Page appeared as she spoke, with a glass of spring- 
water in one hand, and some fruit in the other. As, how- 
ever, the Duenna had resolved not to unmask, the water was 
used in no other way than in merely wetting her lips slightly 
with it. 

Whether the noble appearance of the Knight of the Golden 
Fleece, or his chivalrous attention to the Duenna, wrought 
most upon the Heiress, we pretend not to determine ; but that 
he had secured for himself a place of no mean condition in 
the good grace of the lady is certain. She had listened to his 
addresses to her attendant with so much pleasure, as more 
than half to envy her situation ; while the service he rendered 
her, which she noted with admiration, proved him " quite a 
ladies' man." 

" For your kind attention, Sir Knight," observed the 
Heiress, with a tremulous voice, " you have made us your 
debtors ; — how we shall discharge its amount I know not." 

" Fair lady," returned the gallant knight, "your noticing 
them, such as they have been, would have over-paid their de- 
serts had they been increased in number and quality a thou- 
sand fold. But if your own mind, fair lady, is not satisfied 
with such discharge, favour me with an opportunity to pro- 



306 THE RAMBLES OF 

pose such means of payment as will, by receiving your ap- 
proval, make me your debtor." 

" Such means. Sir Knight/' returned the Heiress, " as I 
may command, and so far as I may with discreetness use, I 
shall feel happy to employ ; — therefore, be pleased to name 
them, Sir/' 

" Your fair hand," said the Knight, as he took it right gal- 
lantly, and pressed it with such a grace to his lips as no lady 
could have objected to, — " Your hand, fair lady," he said, " in 
the dance which is now to commence." 

The Heiress gave a significant glance at her duenna, and 
replied in perfect character : " I know not, Sir Knight, if I 
may, with propriety, accept the terms proposed ; and yet, I 
do confess, more difficult might have been named." 

"Madam," said he of the Golden Fleece, addressing him- 
self to the Duenna, as the hint to do so was given him by the 
Heiress, " will you become my advocate on this occasion, and 
so bind me to your service, a true knight for ever ?" 

A considerable period had elapsed since the ears of Lady 
Bolio had drunk in such sweet sounds as she now listened to. 
It is more than probable she would have offered but little ob- 
jection had her own hand been craved by the Knight, instead 
of her professed charge's. As it was, however, she, — as the 
duenna, — could not expect such request ; much less could she 
offer her company, especially while the Heiress stood by. 

The Knight, by his polite attentions, had so far ingratiated 
himself into her good opinions, that she felt persuaded he 
filled such a station in society as would warrant such an ac- 
quaintance with him as might be innocently made at a 
masquerade ; and feeling, as she did, something like a desire 
to benefit by his protection and company during their stay in the 
rooms, she acceded to his wishes in reference to the Heiress. 

" In truth, Sir Knight," replied the Duenna, " much as I 
fear me for Donna Rosabella, and although I love her good 
name dear as I value my own, yet, if on the honour of your 
order you will pledge yourself to protect her against all rude- 
ness, and to return her to my guardianship without doing her 
offence, I then might feel disposed to listen to your suit, and 
say to Donna Rosabella, — * Go.' " 

" On the honour of a true knight I pledge me, lady," re- 
plied he of the Golden Fleece, " to all you name — I will with 
sword or lance, with limb and life, even to the death, protect 
the Lady Rosabella." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 307 

" Go then," said the Duenna ; " I am satisfied — good plea- 
sure speed you in the dance/' 

" Ton my honour/' said the Page to himself, who stood 
by, noticing all that passed, " that is magnificently done,— 
never saw an intrigue more brief, or more successful : the out- 
posts having struck, the citadel must necessarily surrender 
soon, — that is, comme it faut, 'pon my honour. If now I 
could manage the Duenna; — but the character I have as- 
sumed, — confound it — already do I regret that I should have 
taken it — 'tis excessively tormenting." 

" Lorenzo," said the Knight, as, after taking the now cheer- 
fully presented hand of the Heiress,, he was on the point of 
leading her to the dance, " stand you by, and do your service 
to this worthy and honourable lady," pointing to the Duenna; 
" anticipate her wishes, and perform her pleasure as you value 
my favour." 

" I will, Sir Gaston," replied the Page. — " I shall be 
happy, most happy, sweet lady," he continued, as he turned 
to the Duenna, " to receive and execute any commands with 
which it may please you to honour me, — 'pon my honour." 

" A most sensible and well-trained page," thought the 
Duenna to herself, and then added, addressing herself to the 
Knight's attendant, who stood before her, — "I shall avail 
myself of your master's courtesy, and your own very becom- 
ing attention, by desiring you to become my protector until 
the return of the party from the dance." 

" 'Pon my honour," half escaped the Page, as he bowed 
low before the Duenna, observing, " I feel superlatively ho- 
noured, Madam, by receiving your commands, and shall as 
proudly and as certainly protect you as my master would, — 
'pon my honour." 

The dancers continued to beat time with their feet to the 
lively notes which issued from the instruments of a respect- 
able orchestra; while the Duenna and the Page continued to 
converse. Donna Rosabella evinced her delight in the hila- 
rity which prevailed, as well as her gratification in obtaining 
such a partner, by tripping it with more than wonted spirit 

" On the light fantastic toe." 

There was such a nameless winning about the addresses of 
the Knight, as well as nobleness in his figure and actions, as 
made the Heiress almost forget that she was, and at times 



308 THE RAMBLES OF 

altogether wish that she was not, a "femme converted She 
even went so far, while standing in familiar tete-a-tete at 
the bottom of the dance with her partner, as to draw a com- 
parison, — an invidious one it must be allowed, and a danger- 
ous one too, — between her legal lord, alias Dr. Leechum, 
and the gay young Knight of the Golden Fleece ; and, while 
her misguided passions decided in almost infinite preference 
of the Knight, 

** She wished 
That Heaven had made her such a man." 

It was during one of those interesting intervals that the 
Knight, in terms redolent of attic gallantry, pressed the small 
hand of the Heiress, and observed, — " How happy, fair lady, 
must he be who is licensed to indulge the fond hope that one 
day he shall be privileged to call this fairy hand, as now per- 
chance he does the heart that gives it pulsation, his own ! — 
Oh, how magical that sound ! — and, when allied with such 
inexpressibly dear and tender associations, perfectly trans- 
porting I" 

The Lady Rosabella sighed deeply ; but neither withdrew 
her hand or made reply. — " You sigh, fair lady," resumed 
the Knight, — " surely — " 

" No, Sir Knight," returned the Heiress, confused, — " that 
is — 'twas nothing — " 

" Surely, lady," said the Knight, as if no reply had es- 
caped the lips of the Heiress, — " Surely, one so young and 
beautiful as you must be, cannot already know grief; — your 
voice, your figure, all — " 

" Sir Knight," interrupted the Heiress, rather pleased than 
otherwise with the compliments he was continuing to pour 
forth, and yet obliged to attempt to conceal her gratification, 
" Sir Knight, you natter, and so may influence ; while, by 
your order, you are called upon to protect." 

u No, fair lady," returned he of the Golden Fleece, in an 
impassioned tone, " by my honourable badge of knighthood, 
I swear — " 

" Hush ! Sir Knight," said the Lady Rosabella, " I have 
not required an oath." 

" Your pardon, lady," said the Knight, as he bent grace- 
fully before her, — " Your pardon ; — but if there be truth in 
men of honour, I natter not. — I feel my language is cold and 
powerless compared with the emotions of my heart : and such 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 3CQ 

emotions you only could have called into existence. But did 
I hear you right, fair lady — said you I might influence ?" 

" I said it, Sir Knight," replied the Heiress; — "that is, I 
should have said, — I mean, I intended to have said, that I— 
I, — excuse me, Sir Knight," continued the lady, in the ut- 
most confusion, " I have really forgotten what I intended to 
have said." 

" Then say what you have said over again," returned the 
Knight, " for I could listen to your voice with feelings such 
as the maiden of Verona experienced when, parting from her 
lover, — she said, 

" Parting is such sweet sorrow, 
That I could say, • good night,' 'till 't be to-morrow." 

So long too could I listen to you ; and then, by fresh excited 
longing influenced, I should crave you to commence again." 

" Nay, nay, Sir Knight," returned the lady, — " now I pos- 
sess full assurance that you do but flatter. Surely, a cour- 
tier's garb had better been donned by you than this same 
knightly attire." 

This was spoken in such sweet and pleasant tones, that the 
reproof the words might seem to contain, — and, had they 
been breathed from other lips, possibly would have conveyed, 
■ — appeared rather to afford encouragement than repulse : so 
the Knight considered them, and he proceeded in the same 
romantic strain, until himself and the Heiress were so com- 
pletely occupied with themselves as to forget the dance and 
company ; — the consequence was, that although the champion 
of the Golden Fleece and his fair partner were called for 
once, and again, — they heard not the call : confusion followed, 
and the dance abruptly closed. 

The circumstance of the music ceasing, roused the pair 
from their pleasing lethargy; and the Knight, taking the 
hand of the Heiress, conducted her back to the Duenna, from 
whom he received such acknowledgments as the favour he 
had conferred might naturally call forth. 

At this moment a sort of uproar was heard issuing from the 
further end of the spacious apartment, the large folding- 
doors were thrown open, and in danced a huge bear, to the 
infinite terror of the ladies and the equal amusement of the 
gentlemen. By the side of Sir Bruin walked a man, who 
wore the costume of a wandering Italian, having a large three- 
cornered hat upon his head, and a long pole in his right hand; 



310 THE RAMBLES OF 

with which, by occasionally flourishing it, he kept the bear 
in order. In his left hand he held a strong cord, which, be- 
ing attached to the muzzle of the bear, secured him from 
going beyond a determined distance from his master. 

Upon the back of the rough animal was seated, dressed in 
full uniform, a full-grown monkey ; who, as soon as he per- 
ceived the blaze of light by which he was surrounded imme- 
diately upon entering the room, — and the crowds of beauty, 
of which he appeared to be somewhat of a judge, —screamed 
with surprise and delight, and bounded about with as much 
alertness as if he had been an automaton rather than a thing 
of life. 

" Stand up, Sir," said the keeper of the bear to his shaggy 
companion, who appeared little inclined to obey him; — " stand 
up, I say," repeated the man, accompanying his command 
with a stroke on his hind quarters by the pole which he held. 

A loud grow], which shook the room, as well as the nerves 
of the ladies, and of some of the lady-like gentlemen, was re- 
turned by the bear in response ; and then, rearing himself 
upon his hind paws, he roared again. 

The keeper having placed the pole in the brute's grasp, he 
commenced dancing a most graceful canine fandango, shoul- 
dering at the same time the staff, with as much dexterity as 
a young recruit would a musket. 

In the mean time, the monkey was performing a variety of 
tricks, which afforded much merriment to a large portion of 
the company, whose approximation to the antic-loving crea- 
ture was at what was considered a safe distance. The bear 
and the monkey continued to dance round the room without 
the least opposition, followed by the keeper. Every step they 
took, and every time the bear growled, the female part of the 
company retired to a most respectful distance, and opened a 
pathway right and left to admit the dancing pair to pass on 
freely. 

The Knight of the Golden Fleece had taken his seat be- 
side the Heiress, the Duenna sat next her, and the Page stood 
in waiting before them. 

" 'Pon my honour," said the Knight's attendant to him- 
self, trembling in his shoes as the quadrupeds approached his 
standing place, " how insuiferably tormenting are such vul- 
gar and boorish entertainments. Do you not feel alarmed, 
Madam ?" he continued, addressing the Duenna. 

" Oh no !" returned the lady, " not in the least ; I ad- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 311 

mire the ability of the maskers — they enact their parts to 
admiration. 

" Do they so, indeed ?" observed the Page ; — " Ton my 
honour, I consider it a most offensive scene, — faugh 1" 

At this moment the eye of Chimpanzee appeared to catch 
sight of the Duenna, attracted, as it would seem, by her 
comely proportions, who sat in all the stateliness of conscious 
dignity ; and, uttering a cry of pleasure, as if he considered 
her a " bonne bouche" he leaped fairly into her amply dimen- 
sioned lap, to the entire discomfiture of her equanimity of 
feeling, and the derangement of her dress. In the slight 
struggle which she made to free herself from the unwelcome 
intruder, her mask fell off, and Lady Bolio appeared in all her 
blushing comeliness before the gazing company; — Chim- 
panzee gazed too upon her countenance, but it was only for a 
moment ; for, uttering a much louder scream than before, he 
leaped upon the bear's back, which continued to waddle 
round the room, occasionally growling : while the keeper 
held out his hat and received the subscriptions which were 
tossed into it, and then, making a respectful salam in concert 
with the bear and monkey, made his exit. 

" Ton my honour," said the Page, as his eyes followed 
with pleasure the receding brutes, " such vulgarity had bet- 
ter be confined to a bear-garden, than introduced into the 
company of ladies and gentlemen. How low must the tastes 
of the admirers of such exhibitions be — almost as debased as 
their's who played the bear and monkey — Ton my honour." 

" Hush !" said the Knight aside to his Page/ — " Remember 
your character." 

"Yes, yes," returned the Page, in the same under tone, 
" 'tis all very fine to say ' remember your character,' — I shall 
not soon forget it, I promise you ; and when I next assume 
it, may a monkey or a bear kick me, — Ton my honour." 

The Heiress enjoyed the scene exceedingly, — feeling, as it 
is opined, perfectly safe beneath the protecting influence of a 
Knight of the Golden Fleece. 

" Honoured lady," said the Knight, addressing the Du- 
enna, " will you allow me the honour of attending yourself 
and the fair Donna Rosabella from the room ?" as he per- 
ceived she wished to retire for the purpose of arranging her 
dress. — " Some refreshment by this time," he added, " must 
surely be required, — shall I be so far honoured ?" 

" Your continued politeness, Sir Knight," returned the 



312 THE RAMBLES OF 

gratified Duenna, " lays me under increasing obligation ; — I 
really — •" 

" Madam," rejoined the Knight, eagerl) r , u he of the 
Golden Fleece feels it the pride of his heart to serve fair 
ladies ; and mine will be the obligation for your kind accept- 
ance of my services." 

So saying, he presented his right arm to the Heiress, and 
his left to the Duenna, and neither thought proper to refuse 
the offer. Thus ably supported, the gallant Knight marched 
gracefully up the room, while the Page ran before to clear the 
way and open the door for his master. 

The splendid tea-room adjoining the principal apartment, 
or assembly-room, had been tastefully fitted up as the supper- 
room, one end of which was divided by a delicate and beau- 
tiful screen, which presented to the company a charming 
entrance to a grotto, and conducted to a large recess, which 
served as a saloon where such refreshments as the maskers 
might require before supper, could be obtained ; while the 
two card-rooms were devoted to the use of the ladies and 
gentlemen, for the purpose of changing or putting their 
dresses in order, as the cases might require. 

To the door of the ladies' room the Knight accompanied 
Donna Rosabella and the Duenna, and then, sauntering back- 
wards and forwards, awaited their return. 

" Ton my honour," observed the Page, advancing towards 
the Knight as soon as he was alone, " but you carry on your 
amour splendidly — one would take you to be a plenipoten- 
tiary extraordinary from the court of Cupid — Ton my ho- 
nour." 

" All goes on well," returned the Knight ; " but don't for- 
get your character," 

" Ton my honour," replied the Page, " but that is con- 
foundedly easily said, but outrageously unpleasant to attend 
to, — ' mind your character,' — Ton my honour ; — I protest by 
all that I most value — " 

" That is," observed the Knight, pleasantly, " by yourself 
— eh, Lorenzo ?" 

" Well, by myself, — and you will have it so," returned the 
Page, — " by myself I protest, I feel more than half inclined 
to doff the Page's garb and don a Domino — Ton my honour." 

" For shame, Lorenzo !" said the Knight ; " for, don what 
you will, that shall be your name for the night, I promise 
you. — Don a Domino and desert your master ! — Take off thy 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 313 

mask and let me see thy blushes now, — fie ! fie ! upon thee ; 
— thou a honourable Page to a Knight of the Golden Fleece 1 
— no, no ; play out thy part, man, for this evening, and we'll 
share in the pleasures of conquest when we change our cha- 
racters." 

" Have you yet learned who the beautiful creature is, that 
has placed herself under your knightly care ?" enquired the 
Page. 

" Not yet," replied the Knight ; " but I have learned what 
is much more to the point — that she is not indifferent to my 
person." 

" Is she married, think you ?" asked the Page. 

" Married ! — ha ! ha ! ha ! — Married, said you ?" returned 
tfhe Knight of the Golden Fleece. — " Why, in the name of my 
honourable order, how am I to tell that, think ye ? — and sup- 
pose she is, — what then ?" 

« Why then" replied the Page, " it is time you make up 
your mind to — " 

" Hush !" interrupted the Knight, — " They come, — see the 
sun is rising. — Retire." 

The ladies appeared at the door of the apartment as he 
spoke — the Knight waited but a moment, and then stepped 
up to them with the dignity of a sovereign, and again the 
Heiress and the Duenna placed their slender wrists within 
the presented arms of the cavalier of the Golden Fleece. 

The Lady Rosabella was still in high spirits, and the Du- 
enna's were improved since she had replaced her mask, and 
re-adjusted, — as well as in a measure changed, — her dress, 
and in such temper they were conducted, — nothing objecting, 
— by the Knight to the saloon ; from which, after spending 
half an hour in taking refreshment, they returned to the apart- 
ment in which the company was still engaged in diversified 
scenes of hilarity. 

At the time of their return to the assembly-room, a party 
was delighting a large circle by performing, with admirable 
grace, an entire new dance, which received the appropriate 
cognomen of " The Bath Waltz." The Knight, the Heiress, 
and the Duenna, again resumed their seats. The Knight 
pressed the hand of the fair Lady Rosabella as he led her to 
her seat, and felt,— or imagined he did, — the pressure re- 
turned with equal warmth. 

" And eyes met eyes at that soul-thrilling touch,— 
The living glances'spoke a language known 



314 THE RAMBLES OF 

(Though mute the trembling lovers' burning lips), 
Told more than language could have told. — and then 
A bliss ecstatic, strong as flesh could bear, 
Filled either bosom." 

While thus engaged, the dance terminated, and all eyes 
were directed towards two persons who were habited as 
Gipsy Girl and Boy. The Girl carried a light basket on her 
arm, in which various small trinkets were disposed tastefully, 
while the Boy held a bundle of ballads. The pair sauntered 
into the room, with all the nonchalance of the characters they 
had assumed, singing, as they advanced, the following 

DUET. 

Boy. From town to town we wend our way, 
I strive to please the ladies ; 
In what respects, I need not say, — 
You well know what our trade is. 

Girl. And I endeavour all I can 

To give the gent's some pleasure ; 
But how I execute my plan, 
I'll tell when more at leisure. 

Boy. In villages I ballads sell ; 
Girl. And I, pins, threads, and. garters ; 
Both fAnd, now and then, we fortunes tell, 
* £ To mothers and their darters. 

Boy, Come, gentle ladies, now, who will, 

I'll tell you what your fate is ; 
Girl. Come, sighing swains, and try my skill, 

I'll tell you who your mate is. 

Boy. Who'll with some silver cross my hand ? 

Girl. Who'll buy my strong stay laces ? 

•Rn+h T You've but'to call, we're at command, 
xom. ^ To wait Qn smiling faces# 

" Pon my honour," said the Page, as the gipsies finished 
singing ; " but that is a fine voice which this gipsy lass pos- 
sesses.*' 

The girl started, and, approaching the Page, asked — " Will 
you have your fortune told, good gentleman ?" 

" Are you quite certain, my brunette divinity, that you can 
tell it ?" asked the Page. 

" Cross my hand with a piece of silver," replied the Gipsy 
Girl, " and I'll prove to you that I pretend to nothing more 
than I can accomplish. I'll tell you the first letter of the 
lady's name to whom you are now paying your attentions, 
and whom you hope soon to lead to the altar." 

"Ah! say you so, my pretty lass?" returned the Page; 
" I'll wager this bauble," he continued, taking a handsome 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 315 

diamond ring from his finger, "against your basket of trinkets, 
you cannot." 

" No page of mine," observed the Knight, who had been 
listening attentively to the colloquy, " shall offer to wage or 
battle without performing his engagement. I'll hold the 
stakes," he continued ; " if the Gipsy Girl accepts your offer, 
and will, as truth shall dictate, deliver both." 

" So be it, Sir Knight," said the Gipsy Girl, making a low, 
although a somewhat uncourtly curtsy. "I agree to the 
terms ; here is my basket." 

"And here's my ring/' observed the Page; and both were 
placed in the Knight's keeping. 

" Give me your hand, Sir Page," said the Gipsy, 

"There," said the Page, ungloving his right hand, and 
presenting it. 

"Ah," exclaimed the girl, as she surveyed the lines upon 
it. " Here it is, as plain as fate can make it. — Do you yet 
repent your wager ?" she added. 

" Not I, 'pon my honour," replied the Page ; " but I 
shrewdly guess you do." 

" Shall I whisper in your ear, Sir Page," asked the girl, 
or will you that I speak it out ?" 

" 'Pon my honour," returned the Page, " how exquisitely 
polite you are. Speak it out so loud, at least, that my 
master may hear. 5 

" I will obey your bidding," returned the girl ; " 'tis F. 
Are you now satisfied ?" 

" Rightly told, and fairly won," said the Knight ; " the 
prize is yours ;" and he handed over the basket to the Gipsy 
Girl, and placed the ring on the fore-finger of her right 
hand. 

" Ton my honour," said the Page, " fairly beaten, I con- 
fess. 'Tis well you live in these days of toleration, or as 
certain as I have lost my ring, you'd be burned for a witch. 
But, tell me," he added in a whisper, " can you inform me, 
if I shall win the lady that I woo ?" 

To which the girl replied in a sort of recitative :— 

" Press firm your suit without despair, 
Let other maids alone : — 
He must contend, the crown who'd wear; 
The prize will be your own." 

" Ton my honour," said the Page, " but you are an ex- 
quisitely clever girl, you are, 'pon my honour; if it were 

p2 



316 THE RAMBLES OF 

not for that confounded mask of your's, I'd give you other 
pay. 

To this the girl replied in the same tone : — 

11 Sir Page, beware, 

And at length be wise, 
Your amours forbear, 
Or you'll lose your prize." 

And so saying, she glided on without deigning to hold fur- 
ther converse. 

" Will you, lady," said the Boy, approaching the Duenna, 
" will you, lady, allow me to tell your fortune ?" 

" Ha, ha, ha, returned the Duenna in high glee. " What 
think you, Sir Knight ? dare I venture ? — your Page appears 
perfectly satisfied. — But I feel fully confident my stars are 
not so easily read. But there," she added, as she took a 
piece of gold from her purse, and placed it in the Gipsy 
Boy's hand, without waiting the Knight's reply, — " there is 
your fee, now for proof of your art." 

The boy replied in the same way as the girl had done. 

" No ! no ears but thine 
My proof must hear ; 
Your leelings, not mine, 
I too much revere." 

" In truth," said the Duenna, "you are a singular being : 
I already feel my curiosity excited, and yet I doubt if the 
cause of grief I have long felt can be told by you." 

The boy replied as before. 

"Command my speech, 
I'll tell you true : 
As those who preach, 
Their hearers do." 

" Well, well, speak out," said the Duenna. I command 
you!" 

The boy remained silent, and only replied by an expres- 
sive shake of his head, and then, after a moment's pause, 
observed in an emphatic tone, " Your ear alone." 

" Well," said the Duenna, bending her head forwards, as 
she spoke, to the boy's mouth, "now let me hear." 

The boy whispered in the same singing tone, — 

** You've griev'd the year round 
For your lost son and heir; 
He yet may be found, 
Bid adieu to despair.'* 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 317 

The Duenna shrieked as the boy's words fell upon her 
ears, and falling back in her chair — she fainted. All was 
bustle and confusion in an instant, and while the attentions 
of the Knight, the Heiress, and the Page, were engaged in 
rendering the Duenna assistance, the Gipsy Girl and Boy 
glided like spirits from the room. 

In a short time the Duenna was brought back to a state 
of consciousness. She opened her eyes, and looked wildly 
round, but evidently without meeting the object of her 
search. 

" Were is he ?" were the first words that escaped her lips. 

"For whom do you enquire, Madam?" asked the Heiress. 

" For that mysterious being, — the Gipsy Boy," replied the 
Duenna. 

Every eye in the group turned to seek the person enquired 
for, but no one saw him. 

" He has left the room, Madam," returned the Knight ; — 
be composed, it was merely a masker's trick." 

" Why, true," returned the Duenna, rousing, " it was as 
you say, Sir Knight, merely a masker's trick ; and yet his 
knowledge — if knowledge he does possess — is singular; and, 
if a mere guess influenced his speech, why then 'twas equally 
strange." 

" Ton my honour," observed the Page, " I begin to fancy 
something above a trick has been played upon us. With 
your permission, Sir Gaston, I'll make enquiry respecting 
these same Gipsies. I will, 'pon my honour." 

" O heed them not," returned the Knight ; " the lady is 
better now. In a short time supper will be announced, and 
we shall meet them then, I warrant you." 

The Duenna made an effort to rally, but her spirits con- 
tinued to droop, and, at every renewed effort, the extra-ex- 
citement she was obliged to summon to her aid, only ren- 
dered her more weak, and she lost ground in proportion, and 
was after repeated struggles, 

"Against her quailing flesh, 
Which triumphed o'er her spirit," 

compelled, although with infinite unwillingness, to whisper 
her wisk to the Heiress to retire. 

Those who have entered into enjoyment such as the Heiress 
now revelled in, and with such spirit too as that lady did, 
need not be told how much she felt mortified at being dis- 



318 THE RAMBLES OF 

turbed in the very zenith of her delights. Still, she could 
not, with any show of consistency, offer any opposition to 
the expressed desire of her indisposed attendant. 

So far, however, had the fascinating manners of the 
Knight of the Golden Fleece captivated her, that the principal 
regret she felt at leaving the assembly-room, arose from the 
disinclination she experienced at losing his society. While 
the Lady Donna Rosabella was borne away from the straight- 
forward path of propriety by thus yielding to her passions, 
it became no very difficult task, on the part of the handsome 
cavalier, to obtain the consent of the Heiress to another 
meeting on the following evening. The assignation was 
duly made, and was to have taken place in Grosvenor Gar- 
dens, the dress which each purposed to wear having been 
very correctly, if not very consistently named. 

On what a fearful precipice had not Mrs. Leechum's im- 
prudence placed her. The ground upon which she stood 
appeared crumbling from beneath her feet, and threatened 
every moment to plunge her into an abyss whose bottom she 
could not discover, and from which no after-help could de- 
liver her. Domestic peace, and fame, and honour, all were 
on the eve of being sacrificed, and all resulted from pursu- 
ing her own will in opposition to her husband's ; by mixing 
in society where — alone, at least — she never ought to have 
been found. Severe and illiberal as the remarks of Dr. 
Leechum might have appeared in reference to masquerades, 
while viewed abstractedly, yet, when contemplated in con- 
nexion with the fearful circumstances in which his young 
wife now stood, they will only be considered of such a cha- 
racter as propriety called for. 

The arrangement to which we have referred was frus- 
trated, however, by an unlooked for accident, which was 
quite as agreeable to both the Knight and the Heiress, fur- 
nishing, as it did, an opportunity of meeting with less re- 
straint. 

Politeness of course dictated — if no other feeling had in- 
fluenced — that the Knight should escort the ladies to the 
door of the assembly-room; having so done, their chairs 
were called, and into them the Heiress and the Duenna 
stepped, and off marched the chairmen with their load at a 
good round rate. The Knight continued to follow the 
Heiress's chair with his eyes, and she, to take a last look at 
her gallant cavalier, put the curtain aside, and looked with 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 31 9 

a neck as elongated as a crane's, towards the spot where he 
still stood in a most interesting attitude. 

Tis an almost threadbare adage, yet 'tis a saying which 
never since the days of its immortal author has been proved 
more literally correct than on the present occasion ; and 
therefore we use it, that — 

" The course of true love never did run smooth." 

Here it ran as rough as flint stones could make it. Thus it 
happened : unfortunately the spring which secured the door 
of the chair was defective, so that the moment the Heiress 
pressed against it, open it flew, and she fell out, like a harle- 
quin in a pantomime taking a leap through the face of an 
eight-day clock ; but instead of falling like the chequer- 
clothed being upon a soft feather bed, she alighted upon 
hard and rough stones. A loud shriek broke from her lips, 
as she broke bond, which reached the ears of the chairmen 
who bore the Duenna, a short distance in the van, who, on 
turning their heads, beheld at once the disaster, and put 
down the chair in haste, in order to run to the prostrate 
lady's assistance; but, unluckily, they made more haste than 
good speed, for the stones not being even upon which the 
sedan rested, before they had proceeded half a dozen steps, 
over it went, and the lusty Duenna soon found herself dou- 
bled up within the inclosure, like a subject for the knife of a 
dissector, which had newly been abstracted from its silent 
resting place. 

The united screams of the prostrated ladies brought a 
crowd round them at a short notice, and many were the jests 
and jibes to which the ludicrous scene gave birth. 

"For shame, Miss," said a drunken coal-heaver, to the 
Heiress, as he staggered to the spot from a pot-house he 
had just left. "For shame, Miss, to lay so pertic'Jarly un- 
decent, kicking up your petticoats at that ere rate ; vy don't 
you get up like a man, eh ? — Fm blow'd now, if my vife 
Nance vos for to do so, if I wou'dn't whack her like a sack." 
Then stooping down, he laid hold with his black hands of the 
lady's beautiful dress, observing, "Come, give us your nipper, 
my good un ;" and then staggering forwards, he made a false 
step, and fell completely over the prostrate Heiress into the 
chair, out of which she had just fallen. 

The whole of this delectable scene was the work of a few 
seconds, and at the moment the coal-heaver had taken the 
place of Donna Rosabella in the chair, up came the Knight 



320 THE RAMBLES OP 

and his Page : the former lifted the Heiress in his arms, and 
bore her off, like a beautiful and valued prize, to the as- 
sembly-rooms, while the Page, by his master's orders, hast- 
ened to render such assistance to the Duenna, as her un- 
comfortable situation required. 

By the united efforts of the Page and the chairmen, the 
sedan was righted, and the Duenna, more frightened than 
hurt, was conveyed back after the Lady Rosabella. 

"Ton my honour," said the Page, "but this is one of the 
most extraordinary affairs I ever met with, — I hope, Madam," 
he continued, as he walked by the side of the chair, a you 
have not received any serious injury." 

" Oh no, Sir Page, none whatever," returned the Duenna; 
" at least, none that I am aware of," she added in a hurried 

tone; but how is my dear Mrs. ? that is, how is the Lady 

Rosabella ?" 

" Whew !" half whistled the Page, instead of replying to 
the Duenna's question, as the word Mrs. rung in his ear. — 
" Pon my honour, here's a fine scrape, I calculate, into which 
my Knight of the Golden Fleece has helped himself, and, for 
aught I know, has helped me too. — Ton my honour — A 
duel in all probability will wind up the affair magnificently." 

" Is the Lady Rosabella injured ?" repeated the Duenna. 

" Ton my honour," returned the Page, " I cannot posi- 
tively answer your question, Madam. I hope not, however 
— rather, I fancy not." 

" Go on," bellowed out the coal-heaver, whose capacious 
body still lay in the bottom of the chair, while his head hung 
out on one side, and his legs on the other. "Go on, I says, 
Charley." 

" Come, I say, old chap, make yourself scarce, will you ?" 
said one of the chairmen, " or it may be you'll find yourself 
in the wrong box, soon." 

"Go on, my fine box-earner," again roared the Black 
Prince ; " this is the first time I ever vos in one of these ere 
walking sentry boxes, and I'm blow'd if I don't have a ride 
like a gen'leman as I am ; so go on, I says, and score it up to 
the ballas vipper." 

" Veil, I plainly sees," observed one of the chairmen, " as 
how hargerment von't awale nothing vith this ere covey, so 
I'm dashed if I don't take another method to do the bu- 
siness." 

So saying, he slipped the strap from his shoulders, in 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 321 

which the ends of the bearing poles rested, and applying 
some quickly repeated and well-directed blows upon the 
coal-heaver's posteriors, that respectable gentleman thought 
it necessary to "toddle," as his tormentor exhorted him to 
do, to the tune of the rapidly descending bastinado, in double 
quick time. 

Having in this way -got rid of their foul fare, they hasted 
back to the room to seek after their fair fare, and soon found 
her in such a plight as at once assured them that it was "all 
up" with their fare. 

" I say," whispered the Page, in the ear of his master, " be 
careful how you proceed in your amouR I feel an uncon- 
querable objection to the unpleasant smell of powder, — 'pon 
my honour." 

" What mean you ?" returned the Knight. 

"I mean," resumed the Page, "that ever since I was 
nearly blowed up with squibs and crackers on a fifth of No- 
vember, when I was about ten years of age, I have had an 
antipathy to bullets and such like, beyond any thing I can 
express, — 'pon my honour." 

" I entreat you, speak out," said the Knight. "What r^as 
occurred ? — you have not been attacking the curs who sur- 
rounded the chair pugilistically, have you ? 

" No, 'pon my honour," returned the Page, "nothing of 
the kind, I assure you ; but the Donna is a married woman, 
that's all, you understand now, — eh ? — 'pon my honour." 

" She's an angel," returned the Knight, as he gazed fondly 
on her now unmasked face, and applied his lips to her s — as 
she lay still senseless in his arms. The soft salute, however, 
produced a wonderful effect ; it roused the Heiress from the 
seeming lethargy into which she had fallen, without produc- 
ing a positive return to consciousness; at least, she afterwards 
said so. She lifted her head languidly, and then, replaced it 
on the Knight's shoulder, while a pitiful, although musical 
sigh, broke from her heaving bosom ; and then, threw her 
snow-white arms — quite unconsciously — round the cavalier's 
neck ; and then, — but enough of particularizing, let the veil 
rest undisturbed on the remainder ; just then, however, the 
Duenna entered the apartment from the attiring room, and, 
runjiing up to the Lady Rosabella, exclaimed, " Oh, my 
dear, how very unfortunate we have been, this evening, — I 
fear you must be dreadfully hurt." 

Once more the lovely Heiress opened her fine eyes, con- 



322 THE RAMBLES OP 

cerning which it might have been said, without overstepping 
the poetry of truth, 

" Alack ! there lies more peril in thine eyes, 
Than twenty of their swords." 

"Where am I ?" enquired the only semi-conscious lady. 

" Be not alarmed, fair Lady," returned the Knight, stir 
holding her, " no peril will befall you here/ 5 

" Ton my honour," said the Page aside, " the lady ap- 
pears remarkably well satisfied with her resting-place." 

" Lorenzo/' said the Knight, " desire my carriage to be in 
attendance — the ladies will, I hope, permit me the honour 
of seeing them safe home." 

Before any objection could be urged by either of the ladies, 
if any they felt disposed to urge, the order was transferred 
to a footman, who waited without, and in an incredibly short 
space of time, the vehicle was announced. The Knight led 
the fair ones to the steps and handed them in, and then took 
his seat by the side of the Heiress ; and as the Duenna ap- 
peared to require assistance, the Page was directed to afford 
that honourable personage all the aid in his power: the lady 
felt the polite attention of both the Knight and his Page, 
and with such acknowledgments as the occasion called for, 
accepted the proffered assistance, and the Page took his 
place accordingly — next the Duenna. 

Lady Bolio's mansion was soon gained, — indeed, much 
sooner than Mrs. Leechum either expected, or desired ; for 
111 as she was, or as she might have been, she would have 
preferred riding the whole of the day as she was, than return 
to the common-place duties of home, and her aged hus — but 
mum. 

In consequence of the party still being in their masquerade 
dresses, the Knight declined entering the house that evening, 
but tenderly squeezing the hand of the Heiress, and receiving 
a return of the recognition, as a token of her sense of obliga- 
tion, adieu was pronounced on either side, with the under- 
standing that a call on the following day would not be con- 
sidered intrusive on the part of the ladies. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 323 



CHAPTER XXV. 

11 Would you see this big world at a bird's-eye view, 
Or correct as in a galantie show, — 
With bustle and rout, 
Turns in and turns out, 
Where all persons mix — Jews, Turks, aud folk from Ashantee ho 
Repair without delay, 
For a week and a day, 
To a tavern or an inn 
(If your heads can bear the din, 
And your pockets are well lined with Rhino) ; 
You'll see it to perfection, 
And perhaps upon reflection. 
Your eyes may pour a flood of Brine-O." 

Old Ballad. 

Those persons who have ever visited the delightful city 
of Bath, whether in the pursuit of health or pleasure, with 
plenty of the needful in their purses, will scarce require in- 
formation, as to where good accommodation, and fashionable 
luxuries blended with domestic comfort, may be obtained. 
If, however, from some unlucky circumstances, or untoward 
accident, the individuals to whom we refer (such as having 
been mis- directed, or not directed at all) may have been 
miserably domiciled, and worse attended and fed, — for the 
edification of such unfortunates, with whom we most sincerely 
sympathize, — on a future trip, as well as for the guidance of 
all others whom it may concern, we recommend to especial 
notice, the York House, in York Buildings, as an hotel of 
the very first class : being very capacious, very elegant, and 
very commodious, all which very's are very important things 
for one who has left — 

" Home and all its pleasures, 
For a land where strangers dwell ; 
Kind attentions then, are treasures, 
Richer far than tongue can tell." 

No wines are better in flavour or quality, — beds cannot be 
softer, or rooms better ventilated :— while the charges do not 
exceed, and in many cases do not rival, those which the no- 
conscience gentry of very so-so travellers' lodges lay on, both 
in and out of London. The host is a gentleman who knows 
how to measure the length of the foot of each of his guests ; 
the hostess, for her good temper, good looks, and good sense, 



324 THE RAMBLES OP 

is worthy to fill the post of a lady of honour to any queen in 
the world, not excepting our own beautiful virgin Queen 
Victoria I while the servants, from he wot cleans boots, to 
the pretty chambermaid who supplies you with soft water, 
scented soap, and napkins white as the driven snow, — each 
display as much industry to please, as might reasonably be 
expected from those who are looking forward to be pleased 
themselves, by receiving a reward for their services. 

At this very respectable hotel, Lord Dashwood, Sir Mar- 
maduke Varney, and the ladies in their train, had billeted 
themselves ; and here, also, — without knowing that his Lord- 
ship and party had fixed their quarters there, — Dr. Titheum 
and his daughter Georgiana, two days after them, hired 
apartments, purposing in the course of a few days to move 
onwards to Clifton. 

The period of the doctor's arrival was the very night on 
which the masquerade, to which brief reference has been 
made, took place. The whole of the " fashionables" of Bath 
and its vicinity were on the tip toe of expectation concern- 
ing it, and preparations had long been made by many for the 
occasion. 

Fatigued as Georgiana was after the travel, still, the mo- 
ment she was informed of the masquerade, all her lassitude, 
and the previous aching of her delicate limbs, appeared to 
pass off, as if some potent charm had been employed upon 
her. Her desire to attend it surpassed all expression, and 
especially as it was the last that would be held that season, 
and therefore was expected to be of more than ordinary 
splendour. 

" Well, well, child," said the doctor, in reply to the earnest 
entreaties of his daughter that she might be permitted to go, 
" you are now as good as your word ; you promised, I re- 
member, before we left home, that if I would bring you to 
Bath, you would ask a great many more favours of me ; and, 
in good faith, you are commencing with spirit, and without 
loss of time too. But how is it to be managed ?" continued 
his reverence ; " you must not go alone, that you are certain 
I can never allow; and to seek our friends this evening, 
would be exceedingly inconvenient, and in all probability, by 
this time, they are almost ready to set off, as without doubt 
they will attend." 

" Can't you go with me, papa," said Georgiana. 

" Me go, child ? — Oh, no, no, no, certainly not," re- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 325 

turned the doctor; "by no manner of means; — consider, 
my child, it I should be seen at a masquerade." he continued, 
"I should incur the displeasure of my diocesan, — and the 
preferment to which I look forward would be sacrificed for 
ever. — Oh, no, that's out of all question. 

"Well, but who is to see you there, papa?" returned 
Georgiana; "at least, who is to recognise you in a mask: 

" WhV true, child," returned the doctor, who, to tell the 
truth, wished as much as his daughter, to attend. " As you 
say a mask would effectually conceal me from observation, 
and I should not be the first of my cloth who ever wore a 
mask! — and as I am not known at Bath, either as being in 
the " commission of the peace," or the rector of Christchurch, 
— why, perhaps it might be managed." 

" Oh, nothing could be more easily accomplished," re- 
turned the delighted girl ; "only say I am to go, and I shall 
be almost wild with delight. Oh, it will be such a delight- 
ful treat 1 

" But how shall we manage to obtain dresses,"' observed 
the doctor, "'without exciting suspicion?" 

" Oh, I'll undertake to arrange that part of the business," 
answered Georgiana : " only tell me to do so, and it shall be 
done : — say so, dear papa, — shall I do it ?" 

" Well, I suppose I must treat you," returned the doctor; 
and yet I — " 

"Oh, thank you, thank you." cried Georgiana, only re- 
garding the first part of this brief speech, — "that is kind, 
now. — what character will you assume ?" 

" I shall make up my mind on that head," replied the 
doctor, when I learn what dresses can be obtained. I shall 
not feel surprised if the whole were engaged long before this 
late period." 

" I'll ascertain that in a few minutes/' observed Georgiana, 
and, ringing the bell, she desired Claudius might be sent in. 
Our hero entered, and Georgiana gave her orders to him, 
which were, that he should, with the greatest attention to 
secrecy, find out in what part of the town masquerade dresses 
might be obtained, and then, instantly to repair thither, and 
enquire if any remained unengaged ; and if so, for what 
characters. 

"Now, run quick, Claudius, and bring me word," said 
Georgiana; "there's a good lad; and I shall feel obliged to 
you." 



326 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I'll do it as speedily as my legs will carry me, Miss," 
returned Claudius, and off he sped, like a swift- winged Mer- 
cury, bearing a commission from a conclave of gods. 

While Claudius was thus engaged, running from street to 
street, in search of a masquerade-dress depot, the doctor and 
his daughter set to with a good appetite upon a couple of 
boiled fowls, and the better part of a fine Westphalia ham, 
to assist the digestion of which, they used a strong decoc- 
tion of the Arabian berry, whose refreshing qualities are 
said to have been discovered by a friar of a monastery, in a 
part of Arabia where the berry grew in wild abundance, in 
the following way : — During one of the solitary walks in 
which the good father frequently indulged, he observed the 
goats feeding upon the berries of the trees with great avidity, 
after which repast they became extremely brisk and alert. 
The thought struck him, that he would test the peculiar 
virtues of the berry upon the monks of his order, of 
whose lethargic propensities he had frequently had cause 
to complain. The trial proved successful, and from that 
period coffee is said to have been brought into general 
use. 

At the expiration of a quarter of an hour, Claudius returned, 
reeking with perspiration like a fresh-skinned calf, and com- 
municated the information, that only five dresses remained 
unengaged in the whole city; which were a male and female 
Gypsy dress, one for a Bear, one for his Keeper, and one 
for a Monkey. 

" Ha, ha, ha !" roared the doctor, tickled in his fancy, as 
Claudius gave in the list viva voce, " There now, Georgie," 
he continued, as soon as he could command enough breath 
to speak, "you see it is all settled; to attend in either of 
these characters is impossible." 

" I do not think so, papa/' returned Georgiana, to whom 
all dresses were equal, and she might have thought, as all who 
would be present, voluntarily, would be alike ridiculous, it 
was of small consequence in what habit each person exposed 
his or her folly. 

"Why surely, Georgie," responded the doctor, "you 
would not play the Bear, would you ?" 

" I am sure either character might be very well assumed," 
returned Georgie, " and sustained too, without much diffi- 
culty." 

"What do you mean, Georgiana?" said the doctor, laying 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 32? 

down his knife and fork, and looking her full in the face ; 
" there is, at least, none that I could assume." 

" Why now, clear papa," said the coaxing girl, in her hest 
winning style, " if you'll allow me to arrange matters, I'll 
soon make up a party, the best you can imagine." 

"Thou art a wag, Georgie," said her fond father j "but 
come, let us hear your clever arrangement." 

" Well, I'll tell you how it shall be," replied Georgiana, 
" Joseph, you know, can be the Bear, you can be his Keeper — 
there will be two characters quite in character — while Clau, 
dius can be the Monkey ; and that, I think, will be in cha- 
racter too, for I am sure he is well-nigh as mischievous." 

"Oh, never, never!" exclaimed the doctor; "cannot hear 
of it ; — what ! take our servants to the masquerade ! — why 
it would be all over the county in a few hours." 

"No, indeed, papa," said Georgiana, alarmed for her 
plan, — " I am certain it would not. I know I can bind to 
silence, as effectually as if they had lost their tongues, both 
Joseph and Claudius." 

" Well, and what do you propose to assume ?" asked the 
doctor. 

"Oh, 111 be the Gypsy Girl," she replied; "and after 
Claudius has performed his part of the Monkey, he can be- 
come my associate as Gypsy Boy. I'm sure we shall do our 
parts well ; and all Joseph will have to do, will be to growl 
loudly ; you can stir him up with a pole, and desire him to 
dance when you please, you know. Now, I remember," 
added Georgiana, " while I was at school in France, there 
was a grand masquerade given in honour of the birth-day of 
a member of the reigning family, and on that occasion an 
English Bishop was present, and performed the part of a 
Bear to admiration: every one said that if his Grace had been 
born a Bear, he could not have done it better ; while some 
added, that they were certain he had a good portion of the 
Bear in his nature, or he never could have growled so well 
as he did. And on that same occasion, an English Prince 
of the Blood Royal condescended to become his Keeper." 

" Ha, ha, ha !" roared the divine. " I should have en- 
joyed the sight amazingly. — ha, ha, ha!" — he again burst 
forth, and then added, " Well, well, I suppose it must be as 
you propose ; let the dresses be procured without loss of time, 
for even now we shall be late." 

In this way the matter was finally settled. Claudius was 



328 THE RAMBLES OP 

despatched for the costumes, which were sent without 
delay, and fitted to admiration. With what eclat they played 
their several parts in the Assembly-room has already been 
seen : there, as the reader is fully aware, Claudius disco- 
vered his lady mother by the falling of her mask, when, as a 
monkey, he leaped into her lap, without being himself recog- 
nised ; — and then, too, Georgiana, as the Gypsy Girl, per- 
ceived that the disguised as the Page was no other than Sir 
Marmaduke Varney, while she herself continued incog. It 
is barely necessary to state, that the Knight of the Golden 
Fleece was my Lord Dash wood — his lady, however, had not, 
as was first intended, accompanied him to Bath, in conse- 
quence of her being too far advanced in that state, 

" As women wish to be who love their lords ;" 

and for reasons best known to himself, his lordship did not 
press her to accompany him, — he might, perhaps, have 
thought her presence would have been a check upon his 
pleasurable pursuits and freaks of gallantry, — and therefore 
he went (as he much desired to do) without her. 

It was fully calculated upon, that the wealthy Miss Fidget 
would have honoured the masquerade with her presence ;— 
such, however, was not the case — a serious domestic afflic- 
tion prevented : her beloved poodle, Carlo, was labouring 
under the pains of a sore throat, occasioned (as was believed) 
by his having kicked off his covering during the night ;- at- 
tended by an extremely relaxed state of body. To have 
thought even of pleasure while this was the case, would, in 
Miss Fidget's opinion, have been a proof of insensibility of 
the most flagrant kind ; while the golden Duchess had been 
detained at the hotel in consequence of having indulged 
rather freely in large and frequent potations of her favourite 
drink — genuine Cognac. Hence she was carried to her bed, 
just at the time that Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke set off, 
in the character of the Knight and his Page, to the Assembly- 
room. 

It was twelve o'clock on the following morning, when the 
musical ear of Sir Marmadtlke caught the sound of an instru- 
ment in an opposite drawing-room to the one in which him- 
self and Dashwood, with the ladies, were taking breakfast. 
The tones of the instrument were beautifully liquid ; but that 
which to the practised organs of a connoisseur in sweet sounds 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 329 

would have rendered them doubly attractive, was the fact, 
that they- were accompanied by the fine counter-tenor voice 
of a lady, who warbled with considerable effect the following 
interesting stanzas on 

HOME. 

** 'Tis Home where the heart is, wherever that be, 
In city, in desert, on mountain, in dell ; 
Not the grandeur, the numbers, the objects we see, 
But that which we love is the magical spell. 

'Tis this gives the cottage a charm and a grace, 
Which the glare of a palace but seldom has known ; — 

It is this, only this, and not station or place, 
That gives being to pleasure, and makes it our own. 

Like the dove from the Ark, a rest place to find, 
In vain for enjoyment o'er nations we roam ; 

Home only can yield solid joys to the mind, 
And there where the heart is, there only is Home !* 

" 'Pon my honour \" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, starting 
from his chair, as the sweet sounds to which he had listened 
with attention ceased, — " that voice is familiar to me, — an 
admirable performance, 'pon my honour. — You are a con- 
noisseur, I believe, Miss Fidget," he added, turning compli- 
mentally to that lady ; — " What say you, Madam, to the ex- 
ecution of that beautiful and touching air ?" 

Now it so happened, that almost all the ear for sounds 
with which nature had endowed Miss Fidget, was such as 
delighted only in listening to the yelping or barking of her 
dear Carlo. That this was a defect in nature for which no 
" loveliness of form, or shape, or air," could compensate, is 
unquestionable. There was, however, in the case of Carlo's 
mistress, one redeeming quality possessed, — that is, she did 
not, as not a few ignoramus's have done, set at defiance all 
human opinion, and pride herself upon her imperfection. 
It is possible she may have read some where, or some when, 
— as a thorough-bred Staffordshire Potter would say, the 
sentiment expressed by the poet, — 

" The man that has not music in himself, — 
That is not touch'd with concord of sweet sounds, 
Is fit — to be a slave-driver!" 

and fancying its application to herself would be distressingly 
odious ; or recollecting, perchance, that the fashion of the 
day made it an indispensable part of a good education in a 
young lady to have a taste for music, and to be able to chat 



330 THE RAMBLES OF 

freely concerning Sol, La, Me, Fa, although she did not 
chance to possess an ear for " sweet sounds," she replied 
to Sir Marmaduke's question, — " O dear, yes, Sir Marma- 
duke, it is quite electrifying ; — only see," she added, " I 
declare that dear Carlo has enjoyed it !" 

" Why, positively," observed Dashwood, who knew the 
taste of the mistress and the dog to be about equal, " he 
looks better already." 

" I should not feel at all surprised," added the Duchess in 
the same key, " if another such treat wouldn't entirely cure 
the sweet creature. I wish, above all the world, I could ob- 
tain something to cure my head of the singular giddiness and 
nausea with which it is afflicted — I can't imagine what could 
have caused it." 

" Oh! Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, "very 
distressing. Pray, was your Grace up later than usual last 
evening ?" 

" No, Sir Marmaduke," returned the Duchess, " not that 
I am aware of ; — I don't exactly know, indeed, at what hour 
I retired ; but it could not have been late." 

" It would have been more singular than that your head 
aches," thought Lord Dashwood, " if your Grace had known, 
for I'll be sworn you could not have told the hour even if 
the clock at St. Paul's church had struck in your bed- 
chamber." 

Once more the fingers which had before struck the keys 
of the Piano so dexterously, ran sweetly over them ; and a 
fine bold symphony prepared the attentive listeners for some- 
thing yet more delightful, — and then followed a profound 
stillness during a brief space ; — each one of the company ap- 
peared anxious to catch the notes as they issued from the in- 
strument or the lips. 

" But when the stilly silence broke, 
As warbled forth her magic tongue ; 
It seem'd as if an angel spoke, 
Or some unearthly being sung. 

And yet, there was no effort made — 

No anxious striving to excel ; 

It was, — but language is not made 

To speak the powerful nameless spell." 

Miss Fidget's dear Carlo even barked applause ; while Sir 
Marmaduke started from his chair with the intention of open- 
ing the door of the room to admit the sounds more freely 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 331 

but, unfortunately, in so doing he undid all the order and 
harmony which up to that moment had prevailed, by draw- 
ing with him the cloth which covered the table, and with it 
the whole of the breakfast paraphernalia, not excepting 

" The bubbling and loud hissing urn !" 

What Muse immortal shall I invoke to supply a pen ca- 
pable to write it; — what mighty grasp of descriptive powers 
will be equal to the task ; or what inventive genius furnish 
ability sufficient by tropes and figures to describe the scene 
which followed ? 

Carlo, who lay on a soft- cushioned chair by the side of his 
mistress, yelped furiously as he bounded from his resting- 
place with a scalded tail. Miss Fidget, overcome with terror 
for herself, and distress for her beloved Carlo, shrieked and 
fainted. The Duchess, into whose lap a plate of well- but- 
tered toast had fallen, rushed with alarm from her seat ; and 
running her head directly into the face of Lord Dashwood, 
drew forth a crimson tide from his broken nose ; while the 
unfortunate author of the catastrophe, Sir Marmaduke, stood 
confounded on tip- toe amidst the scalding stream, and sur- 
rounded by the ruin which his untempered haste had pro- 
duced. 

The spacious apartment was literally strewed with frag- 
ments ■ of splendid china, loaf-sugar, broken eggs, cream, 
toast, ham, &c. &c. Since the time that Nero stood upon 
his palace playing music, and gazed upon the conflagration 
of Rome, which his own hands or order had created, in order 
to raise a fresh persecution against the Christians, — never 
was such a scene presented. 

The loud noise which the falling and breaking things 
caused, disturbed the musician, who ceased playing ; w T hile 
mine host and two or three servants ran up to enquire the 
cause of the tremendous crash they had heard. At the in- 
stant the room-door in which the destruction had taken place 
was opened ; the door of the apartment immediately opposite, 
and in which the music had been heard, was likewise opened, 
and discovered Dr. Titheum and his daughter, who had run 
towards it, alarmed by what they had heard. 

The instrumental and vocal performer was no other than 
Georgiana, who had, to please the doctor while at breakfast, 
played and sung. The quick eye of the rector's daughter 
discovered in an instant what had taken place. There stood 



332 THE RAMBLES OP 

Sir Marmaduke, as stiff as if the wand of an enchanter, or 
the magic sword of a harlequin, had turned him into a sign- 
post; and there lay Miss Fidget. Carlo still yelped, the 
Duchess continued to wipe the grease from her elegant morn- 
ing dress, and my Lord Dash wood still bled profusely at the 
nose. 

" Oh ! papa," exclaimed Georgiana, " whatever can all 
this confusion mean ?" 

" Never since I have been in the ' commission of the 
peace,' " observed the doctor, " did I witness such a scene. 
Ah I" he continued, starting with surprise as he entered the 
room, " is that you, Sir Marmaduke ?" 

" Ah, my dear doctar," returned the Knight, as if the 
spell by which he had been bound had, by the salute of the 
divine, been suddenly broken, — " happy to see you, 'pon my 
honour." 

" Dr. Titheum !" exclaimed Lord Dash wood, as he heard 
him speak, — " are you here ? — These are bloody times, doc- 
tor," he added ; " but they are the consequences of civil wars." 

" Here, — Claudius, Claudius I" cried Georgiana, who for 
the first time appeared to have discovered the state in which 
Miss Fidget lay. 

a Yes, Miss," said Claudius, as he entered and surveyed 
the scene with high relish, — " Did you call ?" 

* f I did, Claudius," said his young mistress. — " Make 
haste and assist me to raise Miss Fidget." 

" Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, most phi- 
losophically, "this is peculiarly unfortunate. I hope you 
are not hurt, my dear Miss Fidget, — 'pon my honour — " 

"Oh, my poor Carlo !" sighed out Miss Fidget, faintly, 
as she opened her eyes ; — " Is the dear creature hurt?" 

"No, Madam," said Claudius, taking the still yelping 
brute in his arms, and pinching his tail, " he's only a little 
frightened." 

" Bring him to me," said the lady. 

Claudius obeyed, and Miss Fidget pressed the dear com- 
panion of her virgin hours, with every demonstration of ar- 
dent affection, to her beating heart, and enquired, " Where 
are you hurt ? tell me, my dear Carlo." 

" Yelp, yelp, yelp," returned the poodle, as she touched 
his hind parts. 

" Ah ! his dear tail is hurt," sighed Miss Fidget. 

" And my dress is completely spoiled," said the Duchess. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 333 

" And my nose is broken," said Lord Dashwood. 

" And my foot is scalded/' chimed in Sir Marmaduke, 
limping. 

" And I am almost frightened out of my wits," added 
Georgiana, nearly bursting in her attempt to maintain her 
gravity. 

Each one of the party appeared to think their individual 
case the most deplorable ; but all seemed light as gossamer 
to Miss Fidget, compared to the affliction she felt for her be- 
loved Carlo ; — what was a gown, a nose, or a foot, when 
brought into competition with a poodle dog's tail! 

" How has all this happened ?" enquired the doctor. 

" Ton my honour, doctor," said Sir Marmaduke, " it is 
difficult to determine ; but I fancy Miss Georgiana has been 
the cause of the whole of it." 

" Me, Sir Marmaduke !" shouted Georgiana, — " Me, did 
you say ? — Why, I declare, Sir, you surprise me ! — I little 
expected to find you in a jesting humour while your slippers 
are filled with boiling water, — ha ! ha ! ha !" 

An explanation soon followed. The Duchess, who never 
took any thing seriously to heart, — except brandy, — laughed 
heartily over the affair, as she held up her beautiful dress, 
exclaiming, — " Who now will presume to deny that I am 
a Greasian Daughter ?" and then, after making an apo- 
logy to Lord Dashwood for having broken his nose, she re- 
tired to change her dress. 

Sir Marmaduke made free with a bottle of Eau de Cologne, 
with which to refresh himself and Miss Fidget ; — and then 
the party, accepting the invitation of the doctor, adjourned 
to his apartment to finish their breakfast with himself and 
daughter : during which time the servants gathered up the 
fragments, and put the room into order. 

In a short time every face was arrayed in: smiles, as if no- 
thing had occurred to ruffle their placidity. The only draw- 
back to the universal feeling of enjoyment which prevailed, 
was that which Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke experienced. 
The battered and swollen nose of the former, and the scalded 
foot of the latter, rendered it impossible for them to keep 
their appointment with the beautiful Heiress and her Du- 
enna : they therefore managed to despatch a servant with a 
note, making such excuse, and offering such apology, as the 
accident they had met \\>ith would warrant. 

'* Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " that was ex- 



334 THE RAMBLES OF 

cessively unfortunate, — was it not ? — However," he added, 
" the felicity of meeting you, doctor, and especially Miss 
Titheum, has quite given me back my equanimity of spi- 
rits. Ah, — at what time did you reach Bath, pray ?" 

" Late last evening," returned the doctor. 

" Ah, — 'pon my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, " that 
was excessively unfortunate again, — was it not, my Lord ?" 

" A treat of no ordinary kind has been lost by you," ob- 
served Dashwood, addressing the rector and his daughter. 

" How so, my Lord ?" enquired Georgiana ; — " Did any 
thing take place last evening as rich as I have witnessed this 
morning?" 

" Infinitely surpassing it, I assure you/' replied Dash- 
wood, — " We had a masquerade." 

" A masquerade!" echoed Georgiana ; — "Oh, that must 
have been delightful." 

" Yes, 'pon my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " a most 
splendid one — never saw its equal ;— you would have enjoyed 
it, doctor, 'pon my honour. — Company of the first order — 
characters admirably sustained — perfect — delightful !" 

" Was it so rich a treat, Miss Fidget ?" asked Georgiana ; 
" I prefer the judgment of a lady rather than a gentleman's 
on all occasions of taste ; or — " 

" Really I do not know, my dear," replied Miss Fidget ; 
" my poor Carlo was so unwell as to render it impossible 
that I could attend." 

" Perhaps your Grace could pleasure us with your opinion 
of it," said Georgiana ; — " your powers of description we all 
know are unrivalled, and your judgment is in uniformity 
with your descriptive powers." 

"Thank you for your compliment, my dear," returned the 
Duchess ; " but, indeed I cannot oblige you — I did not at- 
tend, — was distracted with sick headache." 

" Sorry to hear it," rejoined Georgiana, — " Then, of course, 
you, my Lord, and Sir Marmaduke, were too gallant to leave 
the ladies alone." 

" Ah, — 'pon my honour," yawned Sir Marmaduke, " we 
had made such arrangements as to render it impossible to 
remain away — exceedingly unfortunate ; but so it was, 'pon 
my honour , — was it not, my Lord ?" 

"Exactly so," replied Dashwood, — "Egad I" continued 
his lordship, " I had almost forgotteh it, — why, Sir Marma- 
duke had his fortune told, by a sly jade of a Gypsy." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 335 

u His fortune told \" shouted two or three voices, — " Ha ! 
ha ! ha ! — his fortune told !" 

" I dare say it was a most splendid one," returned Geor- 
giana ; " those kind of folk always take care to please those 
who are simple enough to become their dupes" 

" Umph I" said Sir Marmaduke ; and then turning to 
Dashwood, observed, — " Better change the subject, 'pon my 
honour/ 5 

"Will you excuse me, Sir Marmaduke?" enquired the 
Duchess, who felt no inclination to linger any longer at the 
masquerade, — " Will you excuse me if I ask a favour of 
you ?" 

"Oh, certainly, your Grace," returned Sir Marmaduke; 
" it will afford me inexpressible gratification to meet your 
wishes in any way, — 'pon my honour." 

" Well, then," said the Duchess, " I am anxious to take 
the Duke a trifle from Bath, as I do from all places I visit, 
in order to please the youth, — and I know not what will suit 
my purpose better than a ring — " 

" A ring !" cried Sir Marmaduke, mentally, — " Whew ! 
— what next ? — ' Pon my honour." 

" Now," continued the Duchess, " I have been greatly 
struck with the beauty and chastity of design which yours 
displays — perhaps you will oblige me with the loan of it for 
a pattern ?" 

" My ring, Madam ? — certainly, your Grace," stammered 
out Sir Marmaduke, and bit his lips, — " with much plea- 
sure, 'pon my honour ; but, — " 

" Yes, Sir Marmaduke," returned the Duchess, " the one 
you wore yesterday." 

"Yesterday — my ring — 'pon my honour — " continued to 
stammer the Knight. — "You said my ring, — confound it," 
he added aside, to Dashwood, " what shall I say ?" 

" Why, say the truth, that you lost it last night, to be 
sure," replied his lordship. 

" Hem ! — hem !— Ton my honour," said Sir Marma- 
duke, " I regret that your Grace should have asked for the 
only thing which I have not the power to grant the loan 
of." 

" Indeed !" returned the Duchess, with evident surprise, 
" I regret it too, — greatly regret it. It is, then, I suppose, 
a pattern which you are desirous to possess exclusively?" 

" Not exactly so, 'pon my honour," returned the Knight; 



336 THE RAMBLES OF 

" but the fact is — I — I lost it, — that is — yes — yes, I lost it 
last night." 

" Lost that beautiful ring!" cried Miss Fidget. — " What, 
lost it from your finger, Sir Marmaduke ?" 

" Tis true, 'pon my honour," returned the confused 
Knight. 

" Then, I should doubt the respectability of the masque- 
rade party," returned the Duchess. 

" Oh, how very delightful it must have been," observed 
Georgiana, satirically, — " above any conception delightful, 
to have had your two arms pinioned by two strong ill-look- 
ing fellows, in the character of Inquisitors, while a third very 
kindly unhooped your finger, and transferred to his pocket 
your diamond ring, — very fine indeed, — ha ! ha! ha !" 

" Oh, exquisite !" rejoined the Duchess," as she marked 
the Knight's confusion ; — " This is mask-queer~aid~ing, and 
with a witness too." 

" Well, ladies," continued Georgiana, " we have cause to 
bless our stars that we were not there." 

" I'm sure I would not have been in such a scene for the 
world," observed Miss Fidget ; — " Do, pray, inform us how 
it happened, Sir Marmaduke." 

u Aye,— do so," rejoined the doctor ; " and if my official 
influence can serve you, you have but to command it, Sir 
Marmaduke; and I make no doubt we shall detect the 
thief." 

" Why, doctar," replied the Knight, " it was in this way 
— that is — " " Confound the thing, what shall I say ?") he 
again whispered to Lord Dashwood. 

" Why, you lost it, — that's quite sufficient," answered his 
lordship, aside, " stick to that." 

" Ah, — 'pon my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, " I 
cannot give any explanation — it was whisked away as if by a 
stroke of enchantment — it vanished from my finger; but how, 
no one can tell; — that is all I know about it, 5 pon my 
honour." 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke," observed Georgiana, with befitting 
gravity of tone and look, "I do fear you are a naughty man 
— I do, indeed ; — now, was there not a lady in the case — eh ?" 

" A lady I" shouted Miss Fidget. 

" A lady !" rejoined Sir Marmaduke. 

" Aye, — a lady /" said Georgiana, — " Now, do tell us who 
she was, and what she was, and — " 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 337 

" No ; 'pon my honour/' said the Knight, " nothing of 
the kind — I never saw her before — that is, — I never heard 
such a question before." 

" Indeed !" observed the Duchess, in a tone of credulity ; 
however, I am sorry for your loss, very sorry; the pattern 
so pleased me." 

" I have one," said Georgiana, "which has been greatly 
admired ; it may, perhaps, suit your Grace ;" and so saying, 
she drew her glove from her right hand, having carefully 
concealed the ring, and exhibited it, — "There," she added, 
" what says your Grace ?" 

Now, to all whom it may concern, be it known, that be- 
fore the Duchess had risen to the dignified station which at 
this period she held, her Grace had been familiar with the 
stage ; and now she appropriately displayed, both by word 
and action, her histrionic talents ; for, as she continued to 
gaze on the ring which Georgiana still held, she exclaimed, 

" Durst I believe mine eyes 
I'd say I knew it,— and it was Sir Marmaduke's j° 

to which Georgiana not less happily replied, — 

" Sir Marraaduke's, say'st thou?— Ah, it was SirMarraaduke's." 

"My ring!" exclaimed the Knight, — "my ring, Miss 
Georgiana ! and possessed by you, — 'pon my honour there 
is some perplexing mystery here." 

" Indeed !" laughed Georgiana ; and then assuming the 
tone and attitude of the Gypsy, she sung as on the past 
evening, 

" Sir Page, beware, 

And at length be wise ; 
four amours forbear, 
Or you'll lose your prize." 

" Ton my honour !" shouted Sir Marmaduke, " that's 
devilish clever, — ah, — beg pardon — ha ! ha ! ha !" he conti- 
nued, while a simple look spread over his whole face, which 
was diffused with blushes, and exhibited a class of feelings 
which he evidently wished to conceal, yet knew not how. 

"Why, what does all this mean, Sir Marmaduke ?" en- 
quired Miss Fidget, who, as she looked steadfastly into his 
face and beheld his confusion, felt something akin to jea- 



33S THE RAMBLES OF 

lousy agitate her tender bosom: — "There must be some- 
thing amiss ; pray what is it ?" 

" Oh, nothing ; positively nothing, 'pon my honour," re- 
turned Sir Marmaduke, doubly confused, — " that is — ah — 
as I said, — ha! ha! ha! — Confoundedly singular this, my 
Lord," he added, turning to Lord Dashwood. 

"Why yes, rather so/' returned his Lordship — ah, — a 
mere masquerade trick, Madam ; nothing more, I assure 
you, Madam," he said, addressing Miss Fidget. 

" A masquerade trick !" echoed the certain-aged lady, — 
" But you know, my Lord, when gentlemen flirt with ladies 
to such an extent as to lose their rings, a somewhat serious 
kind of trick must have been played." 

"O these men! these men!" shouted the Duchess, hu- 
morously, — who delighted in nothing so much as a right 
down lover's quarrel ; — " These men, Miss Fidget, are the 
destroyers of our peace. I know them well, — I wouldn't 
trust one that I valued a rush, the length of a rush out of 
my sight. Take my advice, Miss Fidget, and do as I do ; 
set your cap at as many as you feel disposed, and then take 
such one out of the lot as will best suit your purpose. Why, 
bless you," she continued, " if I had cared a button-top 
about my green-clad duke, I should have gone mad long ago; 
but no such thing — he wanted money, and I wanted a title ; 
I possessed the first and he the second, and so we agreed to 
put them together : I made him rich, and he made me a 
Duchess — dy'e see ?" 

Miss Fidget pressed her dear Carlo to her heaving bosom, 
and declared, in the true spirit of Byron for his Newfound- 
lander, — " She never had but one friend, and Carlo was he." 

Sir Marmaduke looked foolish, and attempted to explain, 
but failed most outrageously in the attempt. He stam- 
mered, hem'd and ha'd, said, unsaid, re-said, and then — was 
silent. 

Lord Dashwood thought of the beautiful Heiress, and 
feared that his attentions to her might be disclosed by the 
fortune-teller; while Georgiana, taking the ring from her 
finger, and approaching Sir Marmaduke, observed,—" Allow 
me, Sir Marmaduke, to restore this to its rightful owner ; 
and, for the satisfaction of all parties, permit me to give such 
an explanation of the whole affair as will, I am persuaded, 
satisfy all who are concerned in it. 

The proposition was readily acceded to by Miss Fidget, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 330 

who really began to fear she should let the last offer slip, she 
ever expected to receive ; while Sir Marmaduke, equally con- 
cerned, touching her large fortune, which he longed to han- 
dle, — felt delighted that one so able as Georgiana should un- 
dertake to set things right. 

"Ton my honour!" he exclaimed, brightening up, "I 
feel superlatively obliged, Miss Titheum. Be assured," he 
added, "my dear Miss Fidget, the satisfying of your mind 
on a subject which, until explained, must appear mysterious, 
is so greatly desired by me, that I feel beyond expression 
happy that you will receive the explanation from one upon 
whose word I feel assured you place implicit confidence, 'pon 
my honour." 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke," sighed the lady, " of your ho- 
nour and honourable intentions, I could have no possible 
doubt; but you know, Sir Marmaduke, that an inexpe- 
rienced young lady could but feel as I did in an affair of such 
peculiar delicacy ; but, — I beg pardon, my dear Miss Titheum ; 
do favour us with your statement : I feel a palpitation al- 
most beyond endurance until I hear it. There now, dear 
Carlo," continued the lady, " lay still a little, — there's a 
sweet ; and then I'll kiss you." 

. Carlo, however, felt not inclined to wait ; he was not a 
wooer to be put off; he raised his scented face to his mis- 
tress, licked her blushing cheeks ; and, having received such 
a salute as would have made some less favoured animal turn 
rabid with delight, he wagged his tail, and again curled him- 
self up in the young lady's lap. 

The attention of the company being fully secured, Geor- 
giana proceeded to sketch, in as sportive and graphic a way 
as a shrewd wit might be supposed to do, as much of the 
previous evening's entertainment as appeared to her neces- 
sary ; and with which each appeared perfectly satisfied : a 
hearty laugh went round the table, Sir Marmaduke forgot 
his scalded foot, Lord Dashwood thought not upon his 
broken nose, and Miss Fidget was so delighted to hear her 
husband elect honourably acquitted, that, in the fulness of 
her delight, she pronounced a solemn absolution upon the 
head of the Knight for the offence of having overturned the 
urn of boiling water upon -the tail of her beloved Carlo. 



q2 



310 THE RAMBLES OF 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

" Angels and ministers of grace, defend us ! — 
Be thou a spirit of health, or goblin damn'd ; 
Bring with thee airs from heaven, or blasts from hell; 
Be thy advent wicked or charitable, 
Thou com'st in such a questionable shape 
That I will speak to thee." 

Hamlet. 

The wine was circulating freely, and the mounting spirits of 
Dr. Titheum and the DuchesS led them into an argument 
respecting the delectabilities of matrimony, to the infinite 
entertainment of several of the party. As, however, it would 
not accord with our purpose to give the whole of the argu- 
ment, — maugre all the light and information it would throw 
upon that frequently dark and intricate subject, — we shall 
pass it over, and come at once to the hasty conclusion to 
which one of the disputants came ; although, certainly, alto- 
gether unconnected with the subject itself. 

The Duchess insisted that either the divine was too old, 
or too timid, to enter a second time the blissful estate of ma- 
trimony ! while the doctor, under the influence of a good 
quantum of such excellent old Port as mine host of the York 
House hotel, is deservedly celebrated for supplying his well- 
paying guests with, rebutted the disreputable charge in great 
good humour ; and offered to venture a couple of dozens of 
the best wine that could be procured for money, against any 
odds her Grace might feel disposed to state, that he would 
get married, — aye, reader, 'twas boldly said ; yet, said it was, 
— he would get married J as soon as any one present: not 
excepting Miss Fidget herself. 

" It is a bet I" exclaimed the Duchess, — " I set four against 
your two, doctor ;" adding, — " and the wine shall be used 
upon the occasion, — that is, it shall be drunk on the happy 
day that finds Miss Fidget a bride." 

"To be sure, it shall," said the doctor, — "Wine; plenty 
of wine, and plenty of the best, — the very best sort is always 
proper for a marriage feast — (hiccup !) — I can prove that, or 
I'm not ' in the commission of the peace.' I can prove it 
from—" 

* When next you appear as a culprit at the altar," inter- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 341 

rupted the Duchess, laughing ; — " Until then, doctor, we'll 
take it for granted it is proper." 

" Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, u I think, 
my dear Miss Fidget, we had better conclude our affair 
speedily, as such excellent preparation is making for the oc- 
casion, ''pon my honour I do." 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke !" exclaimed Miss Fidget, attempt- 
ing to blush, " do, pray, pay some respect to my feelings. I 
dare say, however, — although I feel no wish to change my 
happy estate, — that I shall not play the prude upon the occa- 
sion ; but when you — " 

" Oh, I see ! 'pon my honour, you are superlatively kind, 
Miss Fidget," interrupted Sir Marmaduke ; " you are, 'pon 
my honour." 

" Now, if we could fairly manage to procure a proper, 
handsome, gay, gallant, young marquis or lord, or something 
of that sort, for you, my dear Georgiana," observed the 
Duchess, jocosely, "we should have a day of wonders, such 
as the renowned Moore never foretold in his prophetic an- 
nual. However," continued her Grace, " I will make a 
note of this our engagement." So saying, she drew from a 
splendid crimson velvet reticule which hung on her arm, a 
small tablet, handsomely bound in blue morocco, fancifully 
decorated with mother-of-pearl, and confined with silver 
clasps, and wrote, — 

u Mem. extraordinary. — Dr. Titheum to be married on the 
same day with Sir Marmaduke Varney, or forfeit two dozen 
wine. If ceremony performed at time stated, I lose twice the 
quantity, — there,— shall feel happy to fulfil my part of the en- 
gagement." 

" Now, doctor, look out sharp," continued the Duchess, 
" and may you prosper." 

" Ton my honour, docfar," observed Sir Marmaduke, 
** but you are handsomely booked, — Ha ! ha ! ha ! her Grace 
has you, 'pon my honour." 

" Bless me !" exclaimed the Duchess, as her eye fell upon 
a memorandum in her tablet, — " Here is an engagement 
which I made a few days since, and to which I must attend 
this evening. I would not have forfeited my word in this 
case for fifty pounds. Will you not accompany me, my 
Lord r" she observed, applying to Dashwood. 

" Should be most happy," returned his Lordship, " to 
accompany your Grace any where, had you not broken my 
nose." 



342 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Oh, a fiddlestick with your nose !" cried her Grace, " it 
will do exceedingly well. There is nothing so uncommonly 
amiss with it ; besides, it is the best-you have, and will very 
well answer every purpose for which those sort of things are 
intended. The fact is simply this : the Manager of the 
Theatre here, by some unlucky circumstance, gained intelli- 
gence of my visit to Bath; and, being well aware that I am 
always ready, when I can, to assist the profession, he waited 
upon me to request that I would allow him to announce a 
play, &c, this evening, under my especial patronage. Now, 
what could I say, but just what I did say ? that is, that I 
would accede to his wishes ; and, as I had a few friends with 
me, would engage that they should accompany me. A cou- 
ple of boxes are waiting our pleasure, and not to fill them 
would be to cast disgrace upon my own patronage. Now, 
who among ye," she cried, turning to each of the party, 

• Will shame my friendship in a cause like this ; 
Nor rally round me when I want your aid? 
Smile, all my friends, like generous Romans all, 
And tell me, as you smile, I have your hearts.' 

Dr. Titheum, you will not desert me ?" 

" Not I, in good truth," replied his reverence, — " I am 
not 'in the commission of the peace' if — (hiccup!) — I don't 
chaperone your Grace — (hiccup \) — any where you may 
desire." 

"And I shall be delighted to visit the theatre," said 
Georgiana ; " I have heard so much of the beauty of the 
house, and of the superior character of the company, that 
to me it will be a positive treat." 

" And Miss Fidget," said the Duchess, " you will — " 

"Why, really," interrupted that lady, "I fear my dear 
Carlo is not sufficiently recovered to allow me to venture; 
however, if Sir Marmaduke wishes it, I — " 

" 'Pon my honour," returned the Knight, " I shall feel 
inexpressibly happy to accompany her Grace, and you, my 
dear Miss Fidget, — confound me if I shan't — 'pon my ho- 
nour." 

Lord Dashwood saw and felt, that notwithstanding the 
battered state of his proboscis, he could not maintain his oppo- 
sition solus ; and, therefore, as himself and other worthy mem- 
bers of the Upper House have frequently done, under the 
influence of petticoat government, he assented most heartily 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 343 

to the measure, and appeared ready to prove, that no question 
could have more fully accorded with his views, or more fully 
have met his wishes. 

The engagement thus made, a little bustle followed in 
making preparation, and then away they rolled in their car- 
riages to Orchard Street, leaving orders with their servants 
to be in attendance at a quarter past twelve, precisely ; for, 
in consequence of some extra performances which were to be 
attended to that evening, they were aware it would be near 
one before the whole terminated. 

Claudius and Joseph, in company with the servants of the 
other members of the party, had, before they were acquainted 
with the intentions of the Duchess and her train to visit the 
Theatre, planned for themselves an evening's entertainment, 
and experienced, therefore, an increased degree of pleasure 
at being left so completely at liberty to pursue their purpose 
until twelve o'clock, at least. 

Now it was, that the mischief-loving propensity of our hero 
suddenly rose to its highest pressure ; and, while a dozen 
happy souls of either gender were heartily regaling them- 
selves with the best the kitchen afforded, and swallowing 
large quantums of Wiltshire ale, Claudius was racking his 
inventive brain to find some means by which, — like Yorickof 
old, who was wont with "gibes, gambols, songs, and flashes 
of merriment, to set the table in a roar," — he might please 
himself and afford mirth to others. 

A sufficient portion of strong ale had already been taken 
to make most, at the supper table, talk loudly, if not wisely ; 
and ever and anon a din of opposing voices, from the soft but 
garrulous treble down to the ear-splitting base, sounded in 
the room, as if its present' occupants had determined in their 
minds to rival, in discord and confusion, the scene which 
transpired at ancient Babel. 

Among others who had been invited to this display of 
" high life below stairs," was a Mr. Muzzlechops, a precise, 
pedantic, would-be gentleman, a dresser of ladies' fronts, who 
railed loudly against the follies and vices of the age, and 
whose timely and spirited vituperations increased both in 
velocity and vehemence, as he poured increased portions of 
strong liquor down his thirsty throat. 

Xow, this same Mr. Muzzlechops had more than once 
dressed the head of Mrs. Plumpbottom, the fat cook, at the 
York Hotel ; and thinking, doubtless, that if he could win 



344 THE RAMBLES OF 

the fat heart of the fat cook, he might, through her interest, 
succeed in obtaining a fat business in connexion with the 
Tavern — he, in common parlance, tried it on ; and, from cer- 
tain side looks, affable nods, winning smiles, &c, which the 
fat cook condescended to bestow upon her knight of the scis- 
sors and soap-suds, hoped to succeed. 

On the evening in question, Mr. Muzzlechops had brought 
Mrs. Plumpbottom a beautiful new front : notice being duly 
given him that by some accident she had lost her former one. 
The new front he presented with a speech, which, with con- 
siderable labour, he had prepared for the occasion. The cook 
listened to his eloquent and elegant effusion with surprise, 
(the better half of which being perfectly unintelligible), re- 
ceived the front with pleasure, and, without feeling half so 
much for his person as for his present, she nevertheless in- 
vited him to make one of the party ; which invitation, with 
undissembled pleasure, he accepted. 

For the information of the reader it is proper to state, that 
Harry Whipcord, one of the coachmen from the Hotel, who 
drove a day coach from Bath to London — a smart and dash- 
ing chap, as most of those knowing coveys are in their way, 
— had long been smitten by the charms of Mrs. Plumpbot- 
tom's fine proportions, while a corresponding feeling pos- 
sessed that fair damsel — at least she told him so ; but who 
ean believe a woman on such a subject ? — for Harry's slap-up 
person. There was, she declared, such an insinerwaiing leer 
in his eye — such a si-entiffic turn in his elbow — such a grace 
in his handling the rains and the vip, that no feeling woman 
could look at him with indifference ; — and then, his broad- 
brimmed hat, his handsome shawl-handkerchief bound round 
his neck, and his shining brown top-boots, were positively 
captiwaiting. 

On this joyous evening, Harry was present, and felt not a 
little startled at seeing Mr. Muzzlechops, his rival, intro- 
duced to the company by the cook, as her friend. 

Claudius soon learned how the cat jumped (as the York- 
shire man said when he tied a lighted cracker to her tail, and 
turned her loose into a China warehouse), and in a short 
time succeeded in securing the hearty concurrence of Harry 
Whipcord to make Mr. Muzzlechops the subject of at least 
part of their evening's amusement. 

The loquacious barber (and few of that genus are often 
guilty of the sin of taciturnity) continued to swallow the ale 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 345 

with good relish, until his tongue appeared to have acquired 
a freedom of expression, as if moved in its operations by the 
power of steam. 

" Mrs. Plumpbottora, I feels proud to drink your health/' 
he observed, as he raised the tankard to his mouth, for about 
the fortieth time, — " Gentlemen and ladies all, — I begs par- 
don — ladies and gentlemen — the felemile gendur always takes 
the pre-emisence, — ladies and gentlemen all!" After taking 
a long and deep draught he replaced the vessel on the table, 
but so near the edge that it fell upon the floor, emptying 
its contents into the shoes of the housemaid, who sat next 
him. 

" Confound your clumsy head !" exclaimed the girl : — and 
added, holding up first her right, and then her left foot, even 
with the table, — " See what a precious mess you have made 
my white stockings in." 

" I axes pardon/' said Muzzlechops, without much con- 
cern; and then drawing a dashing cambric handkerchief 
from his pocket, he flourished it awhile, blew his nose, wiped 
his mouth, and proceeded in his gastronimical exercise 

" I zay," observed Giles Roughhead, the hostler, as he 
pushed a large piece of scalding-hot- pudding into a crater- 
like mouth, and then returned it to his plate, spluttering with 
pain, while the tears flowed from his eyes. — " Danguns ! 
how curst hot the pudding be's — I'ze slashed if I hant 
skotched my gums." 

"If 'a person will be so greedy, among gentlemen and 
lad — no, I means ladies and gentlemen," observed Mr. Muz- 
zlechops, " vy, vot else can be expectated ?" So saying, he 
thrust a spoonful of hot mock-turtle soup between his ivo- 
ries, forgetting to blow it, which in as quick time as Giles's 
pudding had been ejected, not into his plate, however, but 
over the table. 

" Well said, Mr. Muzzlechops !" roared Harry Whipcord, 
delighted to see his rival so punished ; — " Wipe your eyes, 
my good man, — hook on the traces, and go it again, my 
hearty !" 

Mr. Muzzlechops looked at Harry, but dared not make 
reply ; then wiped his eyes and made a second apology. — " I 
hate wolgarity," he observed ; " Mrs. Plumpbottom, oblige 
me with the tankard." 

" Well/' observed Giles again, " I guess ve is as happy as 
them 'ere folks at the Play." 
Q 5 



346 THE RAMBLES OP 

" The Play !" exclaimed Mr. Muzzlechops ; " oh, don't 
mention it, — the wolgar and degrading trash. I think' s it is 
a shame that such 'ere things is tollerated in this 'ere country." 

" And for vy ?" asked Giles. 

" Because/' replied Mr. Muzzlechops, "I do, — that's vy." 

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared Joseph, who until this moment 
had been silent ; — " That is a reason, sure enough ; no milk 
girl could have given a better." 

" Veil then," returned the barber, " if so be, I must be 
more perticidler, — I thinks they destroys the morals of the 
people. If those 'ere people who goes to the Play was to 
spend their wacant time, and spare money, in purchasing 
books and improving their mind, as I do, so much crime and 
ignorance wouldn't rebound." 

" Veil, as to larnjn," said Giles, " I don't mean to argufy 
with you consarning it ; I corned here to enjoy mysel', and 
dang me if I don't, spite o' all you larned chaps. I likes to 
make enquiries and observations, howsomdever. What is 
this 'ere play to-night ?" 

" The ' Honey Moon/ " replied Claudius. 

"The ' Honey Moon!'" shouted the barber, — " Vy, that 
must be a good sort of thing. Your health," he added, 
Mrs. Plumpbottom," winking, — " A good thing that ' Ho- 
ney Moon.' " 

" But that is not all," continued Claudius ; " there's 
dancing, and singing, and a Farce ; and the whole concludes 
with a splendid Pantomime." 

" A Pantomime !" exclaimed Muzzlechops ; " Vy, what- 
ever thing is that ? Please, hand me a little more of that 'ere 
fresh turreen of that 'ere fine soup, Mrs. Plumpbottom." 

The fat cook attended the request of the barber ; and, 
diving the ladle deep in the reeking liquid, fished up some- 
thing of a suspicious character ;— not having time, however, 
to examine it, she shot the whole into Mr. Muzzlechop's 
plate ; which, being well filled, he plunged his spoon* into it, 
and then pushed part of its contents into his ample mouth, 
— the whole it could not receive, — when a convulsive roar, 
which threatened to end fatally with some of the party, rose 
from the whole as they perceived Mrs. Plumpbottom's lost 
front hanging, half in and half out, of the barber's mouth. 
The fact is, by some accident the ribbon which should have 
confined the glossy ringlets had snapped asunder, while the 
cook was attending a large saucepan of soup, and,unperceived 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 347 

by her, it had slipped into the greasy pool, from whence, after 
a few hours' boiling, it had been transferred to the tureen, 
and afterwards to the barber's plate, and subsequently to his 
mouth. 

To record all that transpired from this singular circum- 
stance, would occupy too much time and space ; for a while 
it afforded a fund of amusement; — poor Muzzlechops groaned 
beneath the gibes which were thrown upon him; and at 
length, to change the subject, turned once more to the ques- 
tion he had formerly proposed, — of "what is a Pantomime ?" 

" What is it r" said Claudius, — " Why, did you never see 
one r 

" Never," replied the barber, " and suppose I never shall. 
I don't patronise sicb things — still I should like to hear what 
they are. Mrs. Plumpbottom, could you oblige me with the 
information?" 

"To be sure, I can," replied the cook; "they are things 
full of tricks, so suddenly performed as if a magician's wand 
had done it ; and I do think there must be some dealings 
with the old un to do some of the things." 

" Oh, no doubt of it," observed Mr. Muzzlechops, — " >'o 
doubt of it at all ; — it must be so." 

" Why, they can change a wheelbarrow into a hackney- 
coach, and a cabbage into a gin shop," said the hostler ; 
" Ize seed it done with my own personal eyes." 

"Ah," continued Harry Whipcord, " and more than that 
they can do ; — why, they have only to whistle in this sort of 
way, ' Whew !' and a fellow who just before was swaggering 
before your eyes, vanishes like a will o'the wisp." 

" Wonderful !" had half escaped the extended jaws of Mr. 
Muzzlechops, when, as if the prince of the black art, whose 
authority and influence the barber had presumed to speak 
disparagingly of, determined to avenge himself on the auda- 
cious caitiff, his seat sprung suddenly from under him, while 
his unfortunate posteriors came in sudden and violent con- 
tact with the stone floor of the kitchen. 

A fierce muscular movement, or spasmodic action, greatly 
resembling the effect of a strong galvanic operation upon a 
dead body, threw poor Muzzlechop's arms forward at the in- 
stant he was falling, and grasping hold of the table-cloth, — 
as a drowning man does at a straw, — he pulled the whole of 
the supply beneath which the table had groaned before, after 
him ; and hot soup, boiling beef, and cooling ale, with a host 



348 THE RAMBLES OF 

of eatables, mingled strangely together like the elements of 
which our world was formed, while as yet all was chaos, and 
almost smothered the terrified dresser of ladies' fronts. 

All was darkness and confusion, without form and void. — 
As soon as the first shock was over, Claudius, very good- 
naturedly, hasted to unpack the barber ; but, whether by ac- 
cident or otherwise, has not transpired, he ran his hand 
against the chimney-back while running to render assistance, 
and bore away with him a quantity of soot ; and then, while 
feeling after Mr. Muzzlechops, who groaned under a load of 
plates, dishes, and provisions, his sooty palm passed over his 
greasy face, and, in an instant, transformed him into a per- 
fect facsimile of the unfortunate and abused Moor of Ve- 
nice. 

As soon as lights were re-possessed, and confusion had 
partially subsided, it was ascertained that no very serious loss 
had been sustained. Mr. Muzzlechops was replaced in his 
chair, to the laugh- exciting observation of all present. 

" Who are you ?" asked Claudius, looking full in his face, 
— " What has brought you here ?" 

" Who am I ?" returned the still trembling barber ; — " Vy, 
really, I can hardly tell. However did all this happen V 9 

" Do you play Mungo, or Othello, or Zanga : or do you 
purpose to enact the part of Beelzebub himself to-night?'* 
asked Joseph. 

" Do I play what?" enquired Muzzlechops, confused by 
the loud laughter in which all joined, and the questions 
which were asked him, without understanding or conceiving 
the cause. 

" Just step this way, Mr. Muzzlechops," said the house- 
maid, leading him towards a looking-glass which hung against 
the wall, " and I'll show you such a sight 1 — There," she 
added, pointing to the mirror, " did you ever see such a 
frightful thing before ?" 

" Bless me !" exclaimed Muzzlechops, starting back, as his 
eye caught the reflection of his own changed visage, which he 
scarcely recognised, " it is as you say, a frightful thing ; that 
is, — ha ! ha !" he added, taking another peep, — " I see, — 
ha! ha! ha! —Why, how came my face in sich a mess, I 
wonders ?" 

Mrs. Plumpbottom recommended an " ablutation," as she 
learnedly called the application of some soap and water to his 
face ; and Mr. Muzzlechops acknowledged her attention with 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 349 

a polite congee, and accepted a proffered wooden bowl full of 
water, &c. &c, and in a few minutes, 

u Richard was himself again !" 

His face shone with its usual brilliancy ; while his soiled 
dress, under the application of a hard brush, re-assumed their 
appearance of pristine elegance. 

During the time the dresser of ladies' fronts and mower of 
bristles from gentlemen's chins, was engaged in the purifica- 
tion and improvement of his personal appearance and dress, 
the cook and her satellites were busy in clearing away the re- 
mains of supper, and placing chairs in order round the table, 
on which certain viands were now placed for the further re- 
galing of the guests ; together with earthen tubes for such 
as might feel disposed to make use of them. 

It is scarcely necessary to mention the cause of the sudden 
descent of Mr.Muzzlechops ; the reader will, in all probability, 
have anticipated it. Lest, however, any should not have been 
able to "catch the cue," for their special information be it 
stated, that Claudius, that wily, mischievous elf, had suc- 
ceeded in attaching a strong piece of cord to one of the legs 
of the chair on which the barber was seated. Having so 
done, he retired with the other end of it to a remote corner 
of the roomy kitchen, and on a signal being given him by the 
jealous coachman, — who, by the bye, would have felt but lit- 
tle compunction if the neck of his unfortunate rival had been 
broken instead of his seat of importance being bruised, — gave 
a sudden pull, and, as has been seen, the half-fuddled artiste 
was overturned in the midst of his glory. 

" Past eleven o'clock," had been said or sung, by the 
guardians of the night, through the length and breadth of 
the fair city of Bath ; and the inhabitants, like good and ho- 
nest citizens, had retired to seek the invigorating influence of 

" Nature's kind restorer,— balmy sleep." 

All was peace and quiet, — save in the houses of a few re- 
vellers, who appeared to indulge a strange propensity to invert 
the order of nature ; or, influenced by a greedy desire (under 
the deceptive guise of soft and accommodating expressions 
employed by thousands to cheat themselves) to destroy their 
health and murder their souls, drained, amidst wild uproar, 
the wassal-bowl, — saving such exceptions, as we have said, 
all was peace and quiet. 



350 1HE RAMBLES OF 

Among the exceptions referred to, was the party in the 
kitchen of the York Hotel. They had each taken, not only 
more than enough to satisfy nature, 

11 Who in her claims is moderate ever," 

but sufficient to offend nature, and make their vilest pas- 
sions turn rampant. It was at this point of time that Clau- 
dius determined once more to gratify his own inordinate love 
of mischief, as well as to meet the ardent wishes of Harry 
Whipcord, by making Mr. Muzzlechops appear ridiculous 
in the eyes of his mistress and the company. 

In concert with that renowned personage, our hero soon 
completed sundry preparations for the execution of the 
scheme he had devised: Mr. Muzzlechops had now become 
pot-valiant ; and, if his boasting statements had been cre- 
dited, every one present would have believed that the re- 
doubtable barber would, by his single arm, have put to flight 
a whole legion of foul spirits, or have driven, to his own 
gloomy regions, the foul fiend himself. 

" I never yet seed a being, wissible or in~ivissible," he ex- 
claimed, pompously, * c what I feared to encounter ; — and as 
for them 'ere fancies which some folks talks about, such as 
ghosteses and hobgoblins ; vy, bless you, I vos alvays too 
veil informed to admit the existance of any of um." 

" It may be true," observed Claudius, " that you doubt 
their existence ; but it does not follow that spirits never do 
appear because you do not admit they do." 

" Vy, that's werry good, — hexcellent, my lad !" returned 
Mr. Muzzlechops, fixing his large gogles, which app-eared 
like two boiled gooseberries stuck in a quartern of dough, full 
upon our hero's face, — " That's kappital ; but still I means 
to maintain, that none but women and fools, — I begs par- 
don, — (hiccups) — I concepts, however, the present company; 
— none, whatsomever, — I means to say, but fools and cow- 
ards, ever feared sich things." 

" Very clever, indeed, Mr. Muzzlechops," observed Mrs. 
Plumpbottom, — " Then, of course, you never fear any spi- 
rits." 

" What, me ! — me ! — Zedekiah Muzzlechops ! — me fear !" 
returned the barber ; — "Ah, no, — yes ; I beg pardon, I do fear 
some spirits — a lady's ven she's not in a good temper : none 
beside, I promise you, Mrs. Plumpbottom. Vy, I'd go on 
tne darkest night whatever shined out of the blessed firma- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 351 

merit, into a churchyard alone j or, for that 'ere matter, into 
a bone-house, and bring a pick- axe and spade, — aye, or a 
jaw-bone, out of that 'ere place, and never fear." 

" Indeed I" said Harry Whipcord, " I make no doubt but 
you are a devilish bold fellow ; but a little braggish though. 
Did you ever hear of the cellar under this kitchen being 
haunted ?" 

" Never, Sir," replied the barber, "and I denies it." 

" Well, I have heard," continued Harry, " that there is a 
small barrel of extra strong ale in one corner of that place, 
which was brewed by an old waiter who was murdered in the 
cellar, about twenty years ago; and that when any one has 
attempted to turn the tap in that barrel, old * raw head/ as 
he is called, has appeared in a flame of fire, and commanded 
them to desist." 

" Whew !" whistled Mr. Muzzlechops, looking at Mrs. 
Plumpbottom with an heroic air, as if to offer himself as her 
champion to drive the troubled spirit from her domain. — " I'll 
wager you a guinea against a dump," said the barber, " that 
I fetches, — with Mrs. Piumpbottom's parmission, — a jug full 
of that 'ere ale, from that 'ere haunted barrel, in less than five 
minutes." 

" I'll cover your guinea that you don't," said Harry, im- 
mediately depositing the sum upon the table. 

" Done," and " Done," like a pair of cock-fighters, was 
pronounced by both, and the valiant barber prepared for the 
fearful trial. Having taken a hearty draught at a glass of 
rum -and -water, " to keep his courage up," he rose firmly 
upon his pins. 

" Hem !" said the hero of the hour, — u I am ready." 
Bearing with him a light in one hand and a jug in the other, 
he commenced descending a long flight of winding stairs, 
which led to a large damp cellar below. No sooner had he 
taken two steps of downward character, than the door above 
him was closed with an ominous sound. This first shock to 
his nerves tended partially to cause the spirit of the drink 
he had swallowed, suddenly to evaporate, leaving him to 
pursue his task unassisted by the aid of stimulants. Every 
succeeding step increased his trepidation, as the old stairs 
creaked beneath his tread, and the sound ran echoing in ter- 
rifying response round the vacuum below. 

Once and again he paused, and held the light above his 
head,— all was silent, painfully silent;— he could almost hear 



352 THE RAMBLES OF 

the palpitations of his own bold heart, as it thumped against 
his ribs as though it demanded egress. The rays of the taper 
which he bore were not sufficient to dispel the thick and 
palpable gloom which rested upon the distance. The pause 
which he had made tended in a measure to remove the terror 
which had fallen upon him, and down he went. 

The bottom being at length gained, he once more paused, 
and gazed wishfully and half fearfully round him, and pre- 
sently espied the vessel out of which he was to procure the 
forbidden ale. At this awful moment his thoughts happily 
turned to Mrs. Plumpbottom ; and, while the perspiration 
oozed from his icy forehead, he thought his courage was in- 
vigorated. 

Slowly, and with marked steps, he approached the barrel, 
and again paused and gazed round ; and then, bending on 
one knee, he placed the light on the stone floor, and was in 
the act of placing his hand to the tap, — when a hollow and 
deep sepulchral voice fell upon his ear, and demanded, — 
" Who are you that dares presume to touch my ale ?" 

The barber's head turned mechanically towards the point 
whence the sound proceeded— -it was a dark recess on his 
left hand, which he had not before perceived, — when, horror 
of horrors ! — the fearful apparition stood before him. A 
long white garment, stained here and there with blood, 
floated round the lower part of the figure ; while, from his 
eyeless sockets, fleshless nose, and hideously gaping jaws, a 
flame issued, which gave an additionally fearful character to 
the unearthly visitant. 

The awe-struck barber stood not upon politeness at the 
instant ; and, therefore, without giving a reply to the ques- 
tion, he started upon his feet, and seized, without knowing 
what he did, the candlestick, and at the same moment let the 
jug fall from his enervated hand, which was dashed to pieces. 

As if paralyzed by the awful sight, he stood a perfect pic- 
ture of misery, gazing on the terrible vision — 

" His knotty and combined locks did part, 
And each particular hair did stand on end 
Like quills upon the fretful porcupine." 

Slowly and solemnly the spectre shook its ghastly head, 
and grinned a demon's grin at him. Muzzlechops groaned 
with horror ; — the Ghost appeared as if it would approach 
him — when, springing from his Lot-like posture, he flew with 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 553 

the fleetness of a lapwing up the numerous stairs, without 
feeling any or counting one ; and bursting open the door, 
threw himself into the kitchen and fainted on the floor. 

While proper applications are being made use of to restore 
the doughty barber to life and consciousness, we may, by a 
sort of episodical connecting link, review the back scenes of 
this farcical affair. 

We have already stated, that Claudius and Harry Whip- 
cord were in league — it was their united energies which gave 
perfection to the ghostly trick just played on the barber ; 
although the honour of the projection of it belonged to the 
inventive brain of our hero alone. 

Claudius had succeeded in drawing the conversation of the 
kitchen guests to the interesting and enlivening subject of 
ghosts and apparitions ; and, having so done, proceeded to 
prepare a ghost, for the purpose of putting the boasted va- 
lour of the barber to the test. 

Having procured a large turnip from a neighbouring green- 
grocer's, he scooped out the inside of it, leaving little more 
than the thick rind ; and then having cut certain orifices 
upon it, rudely representing the eyes, nose, and mouth, of a 
human head, he placed it upon the handle of a worn-out mop, 
around which he wound in loose folds a sheet which had 
been supplied for the occasion by Harry Whipcord. For the 
purpose of rendering the appearance still more appalling, 
streaks of red ochre, representing flowing blood, were made 
upon the sheet. 

The figure being thus prepared, Claudius proceeded to 
place it and himself in the best possible position, to give 
effect to the whole. A door which led from an adjoining 
closet admitted our hero into a dark recess, and there he took 
his stand, with a candle and dark lantern. The back part 
of the turnip having been cut away, he could with one hand 
hold his lighted taper behind the represented face, so as to* 
give it effect, and, with the other, turn the whole figure as 
he pleased. 

At the moment Muzzlechops was about to draw the ale, 
Claudius proposed the question which produced the effects 
already narrated. A moment's examination on the part of 
the dresser of ladies' fronts, would have led to a detection of 
the fraud ; but fear having once gained the ascendancy of 
his reason and judgment, the consequences which followed 
were unavoidable. 



354 THE RAMBLES OF 

A full quarter of an hour elapsed before poor Muzzle- 
chops opened his terrified eyes, and gazed wildly on the by- 
standers. 

"Where is he?" he exclaimed in a phrenzied tone 

"Where's what?" asked Harry V/hipcord, who revelled 
in the barber's terrors. 

"The ghost, the ghost!" replied Muzzlechops; "J see'd 
him. Oh, how horribly he grinned !" 

" Nonsense, man, nonsense," resumed Harry ; " why, you 
don't believe in them ere things, do you ?" 

" I didn't once," said the barber, " but I do now, I have 
had occull demonstra-shun." 

" Pshaw !" cried the coachman; "I thought you possessed 
a stouter heart." 

"What do you mean?" asked the barber; "did you ever 
see a ghost?" he added, half raising himself and looking 
wildly. 

" Never," said Harry, " and never shall, in my opinion ; 
nor you either, I'll be bound." 

" Yes, but I have, though — ugh !" cried the beautifier of 
chins, shrugging up his shoulders. 

" I tell you it is no such thing," replied Harry ; " and I'll 
prove it in a brace of winks." 

So saying, he descended the cellar stairs, and returned 
immediately, bringing with him the face-formed turnip and 
the sheet. 

" Look here, man," said Coachee, in a tone of triumph ; 
"What think you of the ghost now I have stopped his 
wizzen for him ?— ha, ha, ha 1" 

Mr. Muzzlechops felt greatly inclined to discredit his own 
eyes, and refused for a considerable time to allow his hand 
to come in contact with what he still believed to be the head 
of the ghost. At length, however, 

" Confirmation, clear as Holy Writ," 

was possessed, and. he joined the laugh in which the whole 
party was heartily indulging; and after shaking hands with 
his rival, left the house, declaring he would never again in- 
terfere between him and Mrs. Plumpbottom. 

One by one the carousers departed, while those whose 
business called them to the theatre for their masters, put to 
their horses, and drove up to the door of the house as the 
clock struck twelve. After waiting nearly half an hour, the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 355 

parties appeared at the box door, from whence they stepped 
into their carriages, and returned home, wearied in body, 
but delighted with the entertainments of the evening. 



CHAPTER XXVII. 



'I've seen simplicity give place 
To Fashion's meretricious grace,— 
I've seen thee stoop to petty arts 
For triumph o'er unvalued hearts,. — 
Envy, and vanity, and guile. 
The 'secret springs of every smile : 
"While fearless confidence sits now 
On that once blushing, timid brow. ' 



Ano>\ 



The note which Lord Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke Varney 
sent conjointly to Lady Bolio and Mrs. Leechum, containing 
an apology for their non-attendance at the period they had 
proposed, found those ladies in company with Dr. Leechum, 
in the drawingf-room of the mansion in the Royal Crescent. 
Lady Bolio had not yet ceased to enjoy a flirtation, and, to 
Mrs. Leechum, such a thing seemed to be a sort of sunny spot, 
in what she called the dark map of her existence : such being 
the case, it can be no matter of astonishment that both were 
waiting on the tip-toe of expectation for the expected call of 
the Knight of the Golden Fleece, and his gentlemanly Page. 

Lady Bolio had put a small extra quantity of rouge on her 
face, and arranged with more than ordinary care her pur- 
chased ringlets, in order to give effect; while Mrs. Leechum 
had stopped at least fifty times before a large mirror to en- 
quire of its faithful reflection, if any additional stray lock 
could be allowed, by which to heighten her attractions. 

"Well, my dear/' observed Dr. Leechum to his sweet 
lady, "how were you entertained last evening-?" 

'•' Why really, Dr. Leechum," returned his crooked rib, Ci I 
do not believe your equal lives for curiosity. Now, of what 
importance, I should like to be informed, can it be to you, 
how I enjoyed myself? — did you enjoy yourself? But I 
have no need to ask such a question, you always enjoy 
yourself." 

"Why, yes. my love, tolerably well/ 3 replied the doctor; 



356 THE RAMBLES OF 

"especially when you are absent," he added aside; "but I 
was merely going to observe — " 

"Now, do pray, merely cease tormenting one so inces- 
santly," returned his lady. " The more you know, the more 
you desire to know : — you are like a horseleech, never sa- 
tisfied." 

"And in order, therefore, that my desires may not be 
further excited," said the doctor, " you are determined not 
to let me know any thing." 

" Exactly so," replied his wife, as she shook her pretty, 
plump, and bare shoulders, and turned from the doctor, as 
if the sight of him did not quite ravish her. " Bless me," 
she added, " it is very singular, — nearly one o'clock, and no 
call yet!" 

" Do you expect a call, my love ?" asked the doctor. 

"There, again, — oh dear — oh dear!" sighed out the afflicted 
Mrs. Leechum. "Now, Lady Bolio, did ever you behold 
Dr. Leechum' s equal at tormenting ? I declare I am wearied 
out of my wits by replying to his endless interrogations." 

Lady Bolio had been amusing herself in re- arranging a 
large and superb crape shawl, which was thrown carelessly 
over her shoulders; and so entirely had her mind been en- 
grossed by her important engagement, as scarcely to have 
heard the interesting tete-a-tete which had been held be- 
tween her friend and the doctor. On being directly appealed 
to, she turned from the mirror, without catching the whole 
of Mrs. Leechum's observation, or, indeed, understanding 
any part of it, and replied. "Why, yes, love, I suppose we 
may expect them in a few minutes ; and really I have not 
often seen an equal to the Knight. I hope to have the 
pleasure, Dr. Leechum, to introduce you to two friends of 
mine presently." 

" I feel obliged to your ladyship," returned Leechum, — 
"shall be most happy to meet any friends of Lady Bolio's." 
" Oh ! there can be no doubt of it," observed Mrs. Leech- 
um ; " but I do think now, Dr. Leechum, if you were to 
take the stroll you were talking of, round the High Common, 
or just step through Orange Grove, and enjoy yourself for 
a few hours in the Pump Room, it would be beneficial to 
you." 

"I shall feel much pleasure in taking the airing, love, 
which you recommend," returned the doctor, " and as soon 
as yourself and Lady Bolio are ready, will accompany you." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 357 

* Lady Bolio and myself are not going out this morning, 5 ' 
said Mrs. Leechum, "it is quite impossible; last night has 
so fatigued us, that I am certain the least exertion would be 
more than we could bear." 

" Here's a livery servant coming," observed Lady Bolio, 
as she gazed from the window, "with a note too, — some in- 
vitation to an evening party, I dare say." 

" How troublesome people are just now," cried Mrs. 
Leechum peevishly; "why don't you go for your walk, Dr. 
Leechum ? was ever any one tormented to the extent I am 
with a contrary husband ? I tell you, Sir, to go out to-day 
is impossible" 

The doctor took the rather broad hint that his dear wife 
wished for his absence, and with as much propriety as his 
duty told him he should display in the gratifying his dear 
wife in all her just wishes, he observed, "Well, well, my 
dear, as you desire it, I will go ;" and, accordingly, he went 
to prepare for the walk Mrs. Leechum had — for reasons best 
known to herself — recommended. 

" If you please, my lady," said a servant who appeared at 
the door, " there is a man in the hall, who states that he 
comes from Lord Dashwood with a note for Don Rosbell." 

" From Lord Dashwood !" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum. 

" Yes, madam," returned the servant, "that was the name, 
I'm sartin ; and I told him that no sich person as Don Ros- 
bell lived here, but he insisted this is the number he was to 
call at." 

" Don Rosbell !" said her ladyship, " you surely make a 
mistake — it must be Donna Rosabella ; — bring up the note 
and let me see." 

The servant bowed and withdrew, and in a moment re- 
turned with the biliet-deux, and gave it into Lady Bolio's 
hand ; on receiving it she read : — 

" To the Ladies — Donna Rosabella, and her Honourable 
Duenna." 

" Oh, it is quite right," observed Mrs. Leechum ; " desire 
the servant to wait a moment, until we ascertain if any an- 
swer is required." 

Lady Bolio broke open the note immediately, and read : — 

" Lord Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke Yarney, present 
their profound respects to the fair Donna Rosabella and her 
Honourable Duenna, and deeply regret that an accident this 
morning has rendered it impossible for them to enjoy 



35R THE RAMBLES OF 

the high gratification and honour they had contemplated, of 
paying their respects to the ladies in person. At the earliest 
period, however, that present opposing circumstances shall 
have passed away, they hope to be indulged with the same 
permission as was granted them last evening, of enquiring 
after their health 

" York Hotel, Bath." 

"There is no answer/' said Lady Bolio, to the servant, 
who entered at the sound of the bell, — " say so to the bearer 
of this note." 

" I will, your ladyship," replied the servant, and withdrew. 

"Lord Dash wood, and Sir Marmaduke Yarney!" ex- 
claimed Mrs. Lsechum ; "well, I knew they were persons 
of some consequence. I wonder which was Lord Dash- 
wood." 

" What can have happened so very important ?" observed 
Lady Bolio, " as to prevent a call, — an accident they state — 
well it is of no consequence, — to us, at least, — of that I am 
certain." 

" How very provoking it is to be so disappointed," cried 
Mrs. Leechum ; " I have been a doomed woman ever since I 
got married, that I have." 

" Hush, my dear," said Lady Bolio, " here comes the 
doctor." 

" Well, my dear," said Leechum, as he entered the apart- 
ment with his gold-headed cane, and equipped for the ramble 
which his wife had all but insisted on his taking,—" I am 
just going for my walk." 

" Are you so, Dr. Leechum?" returned the lady pettishly; 
"well, one would have imagined you possessed sufficient 
politeness — although wanting in kindness and attention to 
your wife — to ask if Lady Bolio and myself felt disposed to 
walk." 

"To ask what?" exclaimed the doctor, opening his eyes 
widely, as though he supposed his ears had received a wrong 
sound. 

"If we felt disposed to walk, Sir!" returned his gentle 
wife ; " surely I speak plainly." 

" Why, I understood, my love," replied Leechum, " that 
neither Lady Bolio nor yourself could possibly go out to- 
day." 

"Your understanding must be very obtuse, Sir," said 
Mts. Leechum, " or you would have known better. But I 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 359 

understand it all, I am aware that possession has induced 
satiety. I have thrown myself away, I feel I have ; you 
wish to make a prisoner of me, and purpose, I dare say, to 
coop me up, as if I were a monster you were training for an 
exhibition." 

" Now, indeed, my love, I did understand/' observed 
Leechum pacifically, " that — " 

"Yes, yes, I know it all," interrupted his wife; "I have 
my fears, I assure you, that while I, your too — too affectionate 
and docile wife, am immured at your pleasure, you are galli- 
vanting with some other lady : it is very well, Sir," she con- 
tinued, as she observed the doctor w r as about to reply, — 'tis 
very well, I say; and I suppose you expect and wish it may 
last, do you not ? But take care I do not turn to be what I 
fear your unkindness will drive me to, — the most gentle 
cannot always submit without a murmur." 

"My dear love," said the doctor, maintaining a respectful 
distance, for fear of consequences, "now, really you said 
you could not go out to-day." 

" I said no such thing, Dr. Leechum," returned his most 
gentle wife; "and, even if I had said so, what then? — it 
would have become you to have prevailed on me to walk, or 
if I had made up my mind not to go, you should have been 
contented to have remained at home, if only for the sake of 
appearances." 

" Allow me to observe, my dear — " said the doctor, — 

" Allow me to observe, Dr. Leechum, interrupted his sweet 
wife, that I don't choose to be so treated, and go I will. Lady 
Bolio," she added, " will you accompany me this morning for 
a stroll round York Buildings ; or, at least somewhere r" 

" I feel no objection, my dear," said her ladyship ; " and 
since our expected visitors are not coming, I think we had 
better w r aik. But now, don't be vexed, my dear ; Dr. 
Leechum will accompany us, — won't you r" 

" I shall be most happy to do so," replied the Leech. 

" Heigho 1" sighed Mrs. Leechum, from the bottom of her 
heart — " Well, I suppose, as I am a wife — I suppose I must 
submit to it ; — I am determined, nevertheless, to maintain 
the prerogative of a woman, if only for the honour of my sex, 
and because I am not wanted to go; therefore, I will go. 
Come, my dear Lady Bolio, shall we go and arrange ? a little 
turn before dinner will quicken my appetite, which of late has 
become wretchedly bad." 



360 THE RAMBLES OF 

" I think it will, my dear Mrs. Leechum," observed her 
ladyship, — " We shall soon return, doctor," she added, and 
withdrew with his lady to prepare for their walk. 

At the end of a quarter of an hour, — during which time 
the doctor continued to pace the room, musing on the past, 
and comparing it with the present, — he laid his stick upon 
the table, and uncovered his head, and then seated himself 
on the sofa. Upon this " invention of luxury," Leechum 
spent another quarter of an hour, with something like pa- 
tience ; but as neither signs nor sounds gave indication of 
the return of the ladies, he began to feel a little pettish at be- 
ing kept so long waiting, and once more he rose and paced 
the room. 

Again and again he detected his hand wandering towards 
the bell- pull, to enquire the cause of the long delay : and 
then, suddenly starting from the action, as if he had been 
about to commit a deed of blood, he pursued his march. 

How many times he " turned about and wheeled about," 
as he strode up and down the drawing-room, cannot with 
precision be stated. As, however, he was making one of his 
rotatory movements, his eye fell upon an object lying at one 
end of the sofa, which he had not before perceived : he ap- 
proached and took it up. It proved to be a highly scented 
and beautifully folded note of the finest satin-paper, and of a 
tint such as connoisseurs in such matters would have pro- 
nounced, a maiden's blush. 

" Umph !" said the doctor, as he placed his glasses be- 
stride his olfactory protuberance, in order to examine the 
pretty thing more critically, — " What have we here ?" 

The address puzzled him not a little ; — who could Donna 
Rosabella be; or what was meant by the Honourable Duenna? 
" Well," he soliloquized, " as no persons of such names re- 
side in this house, it can belong to no one here ; — it will not, 
therefore, be committing a breach of politeness if I just in- 
spect the inside." 

So thinking and half saying, he opened thebillet-deux, and 
there read the apology of Lord Dashwood and Sir Marma- 
duke Varney, for not attending according to appointment. 
" Why, surely," said Leechum, " these cannot be the par- 
ties whom Lady Bolio expected ; and yet, who else can they 
be? — But then, the address, — can all this be intended to 
blind my eyes ? — Ha ! ha ! I must keep a look out, — I'll 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 36l 

insist upon knowing the whole truth of this from Mrs. 
Leechum, or I'll-—" 

He had proceeded so far in expressing his mentally formed 
resolve, and still holding the epistle in his hand, when the 
door was suddenly thrown wide open, and in bounced 
Mrs. Leechum, having just before detected the loss of the 
note- 

"So, Sir!" exclaimed the lady, snatching the scented 
paper from her husband's trembling hand, — " common po- 
liteness, one would have imagined, would have led you to 
leave any note you might chance to find in this room, un- 
opened—" 

" I was merely looking, my dear" returned he, agitated 
from head to foot, " I was merely looking at the beauty of 
the paper, &c." 

" Your unbridled curiosity, Sir," replied Mrs. Leechum, 
" is unbounded ; — no one beside yourself, Dr. Leechum, 
would so far have committed themselves." 

"Well, my dear, don't allow yourself to be unduly ex- 
cited," returned the doctor. 

" Excited i" exclaimed the pacific lady,—" such treatment 
would excite any thing but a corpse. You know that no 
person in the world, — myself excepted, — would bear gently 
and peaceably what I have every day to endure ; — you will, 
indeed you will, drive me to commit myself." 

" Well, my dear, now are you ready to walk ?" enquired 
Leechum, scarcely knowing what he said ; but thinking 
they had been long enough upon this tack, and wishing to 
change it. 

" No, I am not ready," returned the lady, " nor shall I be 
ready to-day, — you have made me change my mind. — I shall 
go and undress, and—" 

" Come, my dear," said Lady Bolio, who entered just then, 
" shall we set out? I fear we have kept you waiting, Dr. 
Leechum ; but, you know, ladies cannot prepare to appear in 
public in a moment. Heighday !" she continued, observing 
Mrs. Leechum almost fainting on the sofa, — " What's amiss, 
my dear ?" 

" Oh, ask the doctor," replied the lady, " he has been 
tormenting me, as usual." 

" Allow me to observe," said Leechum. 

" No ; I will not," interrupted his placid wife, — " Once for 
all, I will not go to-day ; — indeed, my dear Lady Bolio, I feel 



362 THE RAMBLES OF 

that I am unable — I am too much excited; the fatigue would 
be more than I could bear." 

The doctor, very good-naturedly, so far sympathized with 
his good-tempered wife, as to unite with her in opinion that 
the fatigue would be too much for her : no sooner, however, 
had he so done, than she, with equal good temper, took the 
opposite position, and declared she felt persuaded that a walk 
would be beneficial to her, and that nothing less than posi- 
tive cruelty on the part of the doctor induced him to recom- 
mend her to remain at home. Lady Bolio acted as mode- 
rator on the occasion; and, after about an hour and a half from 
the time the first proposition to walk was made, the party 
sallied forth ; and leaving the Royal Crescent, and turning 
down Brook Street, they entered the Circus, out of which they 
turned, by the way of Gay Street, directing their course towards 
the usually crowded promenade for the elite, Milsom Street. 

The scene of busy life which was here presented, the rich 
exhibitions which every shop window displayed, and the 
smiling and happy faces which appeared at every step, had 
so powerful an influence and unexpected effect upon Mrs. 
Leechum, as seemed really wonderful. She appeared another 
creature at once ; and, entirely forgetting all the crushing cir- 
cumstances which a few minutes before threatened to over- 
whelm her beneath their weight, — she positively looked good- 
tempered and happy, and chatted most lovingly with her dear 
husband. 

It would be considered, I am aware, the very climax of 
rudeness, and prove to a demonstration, not merely the want 
of good breeding, but utter ignorance of the common cour- 
tesies belonging to civilized life, — even to hint such a thing 
as that Mrs. Leechum was influenced by so mean and selfish 
a spirit as actuates most candidates for legislative honours, 
who will smile and fawn, and promise and swear, until their 
seats are secured ; and then, as Cromwell behaved towards 
those who raised him to dignity and power, flog their consti- 
tuents with rods of iron, — to hint such a thing, I say, would 
be to call down the ire of the whole sex on one's head; — ne- 
vertheless, singular coincidences do sometimes occur ; and, 
for which, no satisfactory reason can be given. So it chanced 
to fall out now. 

A handsome, or rather splendid pair of hand-screens and 
ditto card-racks to match, were most tastefully displayed in 
Marshall's library, and fancy shop window. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 363 

" Bless me I" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, suddenly halting, 
" only look, Lady Bolio, what a superb pair of fire-screens is 
lying there." 

" They are, indeed, very beautiful," returned her ladyship 

"Oh, they exceed all I ever beheld," returned Mrs. 
Leechum ; — " Don't you think they are very sweet things, 
my dear?' 9 she added, turning to her husband. 

"Yes, love, they are pretty toys," returned Leechum, 
whose taste for such things was rather of a negative cha- 
racter. 

" How I should like, them," observed the lady ; " our 
drawing-room, love, really would be improved by them ; in- 
deed we actually want some such." 

" Do you think so, dear ?" cried the doctor, cautiously. 

" Yes, love j indeed I do," returned his wife, looking un- 
utterable things of kind and winning order in his face, — . 
" Now do let me take them home,— shall I, love ?" 

"Why, I think, dear," said Leechum, who had some 
strange misgivings that a long price would )be required for 
them, and would, therefore, if he had dared, have denounced 
the thought of purchasing them, — " I think, dear, we should 
injure them before we reached home." 

" Oh no, my love/' returned his affectionate wife, " no 
danger of it, I assure you, — is there, Lady Bolio ?" 

"Why no, my dear," replied her ladyship, "they can be 
well packed, and — " 

" Certainly, — most certainly," said Mrs. Leechum ; " I'll 
take care of them. Come, let us inspect them." 

The doctor held back, but it would not do ; — to refuse po- 
sitively, would have been to insult his sensitive spouse, and 
might have produced consequences not very gratifying to 
himself, while, in the end, she would still have had her way; 
and, therefore, 

" Though most unwilling on his part to do 't — 
While everj r feeling of his manly soul 
Hated the action which his foe proposed, 
And rose in arms to execrate the deed," 

he walked into Mr. Marshall's handsomely fitted and well- 
stocked shop. 

The longed-for screens were produced, set off by all the 
embellishment of florid recommendation in which that gen- 
tleman excelled — and now the possession of them was indis- 
pensable to Mrs. Leechum's happiness. The card-racks ftere 
r2 



364 THE RAMBLES OP 

p A ace J beside them, and she grew into ecstacies ; but then, 
these were not the entire set. A splendid suit of porcelain 
vases formed a component part, and could not be separated. 
Such a display of workmanship, and such useful and unique 
articles, so far infatuated the affectionate lady, that she de- 
sired the whole might be packed up forthwith, and sent in the 
course of an hour, as per card, which she handed from her case. 

" You have forgotten to enquire the price, my love," whis- 
pered the doctor. 

" Oh right, my dear," returned Mrs. Leechum, " that had 
escaped me ; — while Lady Bolio and myself look round the 
shop, you had better settle the account, love." 

The doctor feared exceedingly that some other beautiful 
thing might strike her attention, and be equally indispensable 
to her happiness, if he allowed her to saunter a long while, 
and, therefore, hasted to cut short his visit to Marshall's. 

" What is the amount of those articles ?" asked the doc- 
tor, as he drew forth his purse. 

" Thirty guineas, Sir," replied Mr. Marshall, with asto- 
nishing coolness, — " I always do my business on ready mo- 
ney principles, Sir ; and, therefore, can afford to sell at least 
fifty per cent, below any other person in my line in Bath, or 
elsewhere." 

" Thirty guineas!" issued from between Dr. Leechum's 
chattering teeth. The amputation of a leg or an arm would 
not have caused more pain than at this moment shot through 
his system ; especially if the operation had been performed 
upon his dear Mrs. Leechum. 

" That is a long price, Sir," observed Leechum at length, 
" and I fancy—" 

" I assure you, Sir," said the adroit dealer, " you have a 
dead bargain." 

" I imagine as much," returned the doctor ; ff dead, sure 
enough." 

" Allow me to say, Sir," observed Mr. Marshall, " that I 
sold the fellow set to Lord Dashwood, a few days since, for 
an advance upon this sum of five guineas ; but as it is the 
last I have,— I like to be at a word in my dealings, — I have 
put them in at the low price now named." 

" Lord Dashwood !" fell upon the ear of Mrs. Leechum 
like magic tones, and she hasted from the other end of the 
shop, supposing that her dear husband was making enqui- 
ries respecting him. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 365 

"Don't be inquisitive, my dear ," whispered Mrs. Leechum. 

" I am not, my love," said the doctor ; " I was merely 
hinting that the price was — " 

" There, Sir/' said the proprietor of the library, placing a 
receipt before Leechum ; — " There is your receipt, Sir ; — I 
feel obliged, and hope you will again honour me with your 
custom. Will you allow me, Madam," he continued, " to 
direct your attention to some new and elegant editions of 
some of the most popular authors, in various and splendid 
bindings ? or this fancy stationery ? or — " 

The doctor trembled in his shoes, and gently hinted, — 
" My love, had we not better continue our little ramble ? — 
What say you, Lady Bolio, shall we proceed ?" 

"As you please, doctor," returned her ladyship. 

" Come then, my love" he observed, and, offering his arm 
to his kind lady, he hasted from the library, without so much 
as noticing the bowing proprietor. 

Mrs. Leechum appeared in good spirits, and, what was 
more rare still, in good temper, as she passed up Milsom 
Street. So kindly, indeed affably, did she speak to the doc- 
tor, that he began to feel reconciled to his outlay of thirty 
guineas, as it appeared to have procured for him a respite at 
least from misery, in the amiability and affection which his 
wife displayed. 

Never, perhaps, did the doggeral rhymes of old Verdun, 
the butler, receive a stronger exemplification, than in the case 
of Mrs. Leechum, when at the close of one of his stanzas, he 
observes, — 

" To some people if you give 
An inch, they'll take an ell." 

The affectionate, and now really cheerful Mrs. Leechum, 
had not proceeded above one hundred yards from Marshall's 
library, before other attractive objects caught her attention, 
in the form of some newly imported and very superb Cash- 
mere shawls ; to which was attached a fanciful label, an- 
nouncing them as the Queen's pattern. They were modestly 
declared to be unequalled by any thing that had preceded 
them, and unquestionably surpassed every thing that might 
hereafter be produced. This might have been considered by 
some persons as a touch of " puffing extraordinary ;" the 
bait, however, was a gilded one, and, therefore, not a few 
swallowed it. 



366 THE RAMBLES OF 

That Mrs. Leechum should have been captivated by the 
beauty and recommendation of the garments in question, was 
nothing singular ; but even Lady Bolio felt moved at the sight 
of them, and so indeed did the doctor himself; — but, as the 
reader may opine without being marvellously sagacious, — in 
a very different way. 

" Only just look here,/ove," said Mrs. Leechum, as her hus- 
band displayed strong evidence of a disposition to move on. 

How to escape the snare which appeared spread before him, 
he could not divine ; — he felt strongly inclined to be suddenly 
seized with a violent pain in the lower regions, and the de- 
claration had risen to the thorax that it was indispensable he 
should withdraw for certain private reasons, — when the soft 
and harmonious tones of his young, and handsome, and lan- 
guishing wife, turned his intention. 

" Did you ever behold such a lovely pattern before?" asked 
Mrs. Leechum, — " eh, love." 

" I don't profess to have any judgment in such things, my 
dear," returned the doctor; "but I fancy you have as hand- 
some a one at home." 

u Oh, my love .'" shouted the lady ; " look again, dear j 
you are certainly jesting with me." 

The doctor appeared to think the jest would end seriously, 
and replied, cautiously, — " Well, my dear, I certainly think 
so." 

" Now, that's very naughty of you, love" returned Mrs. 
Leechum, in notes of soft coaxing cadence, — " If I could be 
angry with you, I am sure I should be so now ; — you know 
you are jesting with me, — now arn't you, dear ?" 

" Why, really, my dear Mrs. Leechum," observed Lady 
Bolio, who had been engaged making her critical observa- 
tions upon the ' Queen's Pattern,' " I fancy I shall treat my- 
self with one of them ; not that I am in want of such an ar- 
ticle, but they are so very beautiful." 

u Well, I feel great pleasure that your ladyship's taste ac- 
cords so exactly with my own in this case," returned Mrs. 
Leechum, — " Suppose we step in and examine them ; or — " 

"Allow me to hint, my dear," said the doctor. 

" Yes, love," said his wife; and so saying, she entered the 
shop with Lady Bolio, while the doctor took the hint and fol- 
lowed. 

The articles in request were displayed with all befitting at- 
tention to lofty recommendations on the part of a namby 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 367 

pamby sort of thing, which wore the costume of a man; 
albeit the tones and action of the creature were perfectly 
womanish. If the doctor had dared to have done so, he 
would have thrust his gold-headed stick down the question- 
able gendered thing's throat, and thereby have put an end 
to the florid and persuading puffery, which sickened him at 
the heart : more reasons than one, however, withheld him, 
and he was obliged, if not patiently, at least, silently, to hear 
his dear wife echo the order of Lady Bolio, to send one of 
the invaluable and inimitable Cashmerian coverlids to Xo. — - 
in the Royal Crescent. 

"I'm quite sure you'll like to see me in it, love," observed 
the languishingly kind Mrs. Leechum to her spouse. "Won't 
you, dear?" 

The doctor was obliged to allow "yes" to ooze from his 
parched throat, but it came forth w T ith so bad a grace, that a 
bystander might have guessed the true expression of his 
feelings would have been, — " I'd as soon see you in your 
winding-sheets, if only to save the drum of my ear and my 
pocket." 

Once more the much-loved husband was called upon to 
pull forth his pocket-book, and, with a grimace such as a 
severe spasmodic attack would produce, laid down a pair of 
ten-pound notes, while the purler extraordinary assured the 
ladies that, unless two shawls had been taken, not a fraction 
could have been abated from twenty guineas, instead of 
pounds, each. 

The fresh air which floated down Milsom Street appeared 
necessary to check the death-like perspiration which the 
doctor felt so oppressive as to threaten a fainting fit. On- 
wards they went and entered Bond Street, Mrs. Leechum 
continuing in the most happy and delightful flow of spirits, 
and regaling the doctor with a flood of tender expressions, 
delivered in the most tender tone and manner, while he, 
poor man, mused sadly over the fifty-one pound ten shillings, 
of which he found himself minus in the brief space of some- 
thing less than half an hour, and still trembling like an aspen 
leaf, whenever the sharp visual organs of his wife turned to 
any object of particular attraction. 

Thev had progressed so far as Barratt's Library, intending 
to wind round to the right, by the way of Trim Street, into 
Barton Street, and from thence back to the Crescent, through 
the Circus, when the doctor's ladv, whose head was turned 



368 THE RAMBLES OF 

in another direction from the one in which she was proceed- 
ing, trode rather heavily upon the toes of a gentleman, who 
was just leaving Mr. Barratt's depot. Mrs Leechum was 
proceeding in her expressions of regret for the accident, 
while the sufferer begged she would not allow herself to feel 
discomposed for a moment on his account, when the doctor, 
who was at the distance of a few yards in advance, turned 
on hearing a voice which he fancied he knew, and at once 
beheld an old acquaintance in former years, and once a com- 
panion in his scholastic toils. 

"My dear Sir," said the doctor, "I should know that 
voice, or I am greatly mistaken." 

"I know not, Sir," returned the stranger, "when or 
where I can have been known by you ; and yet, now I recol- 
lect me, your voice and person carry with them something 
of c Auld Lang Syne.' " 

" I fancy it must be so," returned the doctor, whose heart 
responded loudly and faithfully to the touch of friendship ; 
" your name, Sir, is Mornington, or I do forget myself." 

" The same, good Sir, and your poor servant ever," re- 
turned Mornington, following up the doctor's quotation from 
the " Prince of Denmark." " But in good faith, Sir," he 
added, " my treacherous memory has, like a wide-meshed 
sieve, allowed your name to escape me ; but of that," con- 
tinued Mornington, in a tone tinged with sadness, " there 
can be little marvel, at least, on my part : the world, Sir, has 
used me roughly, and where my too-confiding nature trusted 
most confidently, there I have been most grievously de- 
ceived." 

u I am sorry to hear it," said the doctor in a tone of real 
sympathy ; " you were not wont to be either sad or moody, 
when we spent our evenings in the vicinity of the City Road. 

"Ah!" exclaimed Mornington, "I have it now; what, 
Mr. Leechum, is it you ?" and he seized the hand which the 
doctor offered, with a degree of enthusiasm which proclaimed 
more than language could have done, how truly and how 
much he felt. " But those ladies," continued Mr. Morning- 
ton, turning to Lady Bolio and Mrs. Leechum. 

A formal introduction instantly took place, and the doctor 
placing his arm within Momington's, insisted he should 
spend the evening with them ; to which he cheerfully con- 
sented, and forwards they went. 

This was an event so entirely unexpected, that because of 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 369 

its approximation to a romantic incident, the ladies felt de- 
lighted at it ; for notwithstanding too much evidence was 
given that Mornington' s exchequer was at a low ebb, there 
was about him something that interested the and yet, 
there was nothing in Mornington' s person or manners which 
is conceived to belong to what is called a ladies' man. But 
it has ever been proved, that where good sense coupled with 
good manners, and an honest face, are found, though, by un- 
toward circumstances, associated with sorrow and necessity — 
the best feeling of a female heart has been exercised towards 
such : like angels of mercy, hovering about the paths of the 
unfortunate, they are found ever ready with open hand, and 
heart, and purse, to relieve and succour. 

Mornington was of middle stature, rather thin, and of a 
semi-Hamite complexion. His contour intimated that he 
had been a child of misfortune, and a man of sorrow. Some 
circumstance of no common order had evidently touched the 
core of his being, of which, without doubt, he might have 
said,— 

* Oh ! never, from that painful hour, 

Has earthly joy been known ; 
'Midst crowds and charms which once had power, 

I live uncharm'd — alone ! 
A shade of what I might have been, 

Is all that is of me ; 
A thing of grief, where'er I'm seen, 

Is all that I can be." 

But when a theme was once touched upon into which he 
could enter — on which he felt — his whole countenance ap- 
peared as if irradiated with a glow of ethereal brightness. 
His large expressive eyes suddenly became 

"Bright as the morning star," 

and appeared to look into the souls of those with whom he 
conversed. 

As they moved towards the Crescent, the doctor managed 
to give a brief account to the ladies of the intimacy which 
had long existed between himself and Mr. Mornington. 

" And now," said Leechum, warming as he spoke, " I am 
persuaded that neither Lady Bolio, nor Mrs. Leechum, will 
allow you, my friend, to take your departure until you have 
satisfied them with such a sketch of your eventful history, as 
you may feel at liberty to give — I know it will interest them." 

" Well, my dear Sir/' returned Mornington, " as vou are 
r5 



370 THE RAMBLES OP 

aware that I was always ready, to the extent of my poor abi- 
lities, to gratify the ladies, I shall not forfeit my character in 
that respect now ; and, as I have two days at my command, 
I shall feel most happy to spend them with you." 

Each one of the party appeared equally delighted. Lady 
Bolio having " shook her years away," — as the poet of the 
passions, Home, would say, — tripped on with unwonted agi- 
lity, while Mrs. Leechum was positively enchanting ; and 
the doctor and Mornington so completely beguiled the way, 
that before they had imagined it, they had climbed the emi- 
nence on which the Royal Crescent stood, and were ushered 
into Lady Bolio's mansion. 

As soon as convenient, the dinner was served ; after which, 
while Port and Sherry gladdened the heart of each indivi- 
dual, the ladies, — having broken through the rules of eti- 
quette by special request — that of leaving the gentlemen 
alone — immediately the cloth was removed, — sat to listen to 
Mr. Mornington's relation ; the substance of which will be 
found in the following chapter. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

" Such is the fate of Genius, — 
The scorn of witlings oft, or sport of fools ! — 
While he (with sublimated mind, and eye 
Piercing the putrid film and murky gloom 
"Which render stagnant other, — meaner minds, 
Whose only tact and exercise of thought 
Lies in their getting wealth ; which, like themselves, — 
Although it glares,— is cold and senseless still), 
Scatters an intellectual light around; 
And, like the Sun benignant, warms and cheers ; 
Yet, like that orb, with cold neglect is left 
By soul-less ingrates.— Oh, son of Genius ! 
I could weep for thee." 

Monody on Chatteeton. 

" It is not necessary," commenced Mr. Mornington, " that 
I should be particular in supplying any information respect- 
ing my early days ; of every particular relating to my juve- 
nile pursuits, you, Sir, are already fully acquainted. For the 
information, however, of these kind ladies, it is proper that I 
should merely observe, that I was the first-born of parens 
whose memory is endeared to me by innumerable circum- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 371 

stances of unusual affection. My family was of considerable 
respectability in Kent, in which charming county my proge- 
nitors had resided a long period before my birth. As soon 
as I had passed through such preparatory course of instruc- 
tion as qualified me for the university, I was sent to Dub- 
lin, where some of my most happy years were spent. Not- 
withstanding the many and great defects which then existed 
in that, as well as in most of the English universities, I did 
not participate in them ; and for two reasons : first, because I 
had not at my command such funds as would enable me to 
launch forth into all the excesses generally indulged in them ; 
and secondly, — and I may say chiefly, — because the gentle- 
man who had been engaged as my tutor, was one whose ho- 
nest pride consisted in making his pupils scholars, rather 
than pedants, and who knew how to blend the suaviter in 
modo with the fortiter in re, so as to divest the latter of 
every thing like ferocity by the tempering kindness of the 
former. 

" It was at this seat of learning, doctor, that — as you re- 
member, — I had the pleasure of first meeting you. You 
were, it is true, my senior by several years ; still we became 
friends, and to that friendship I then owed much. 

" I devoted myself to severe study, prompted by an insa- 
tiable thirst of knowledge, and an unconquerable desire to 
excel. In those early days, botany, ornithology, and other 
branches of natural history, occupied much of my time, to 
the neglect, too often, of those professional studies which my 
friends designed I should pursue. 

" How I passed through my university exercises, or with 
what stock of learning I left Dublin, is of little consequence 
to my narrative. I had found in too many instances, among 
young men making some pretensions to learning, that ribaldry 
was mistaken for humour; whi]e not a few who were pre- 
paring for sacred duties, laughed at those whose chief stores 
of happiness were drawn from futurity. Such being the case, 
my mind naturally received a species of sceptical tinge ; not 
in the popular acceptation of that frequently mistaken word, — 
but in reference to men and their professions; — hence I 
doubted frequently where I should have confided, and not 
less frequently committed the opposite blunder. Too often, 
I fear, like Goldsmith's philosophical vagabond, I pursued 
novelty at the expense of content, and gratification at the 
price of happiness. 



372 THE RAMBLES OF 

" On my return home, a few months were .spent by me in 
visiting, or receiving visits, instead of setting' to at once, as 
I should have done, to the profession first intended for me. 
The consequence was, that at the end of half a year, my views 
and habits became changed, — the wholesome, not servile dis- 
cipline which had been exercised over me at the university, 
had passed away. As one respectably learned, it was sup- 
posed I only had need to follow the tendency of my improved 
mind, and all would succeed prosperously : such, however, 
was not the case. The tastes and prejudices of certain young 
men of my acquaintance, and of others whose age ought to 
have been a guarantee for the correctness of their habits, 
were imperceptibly and as injuriously imbibed by me. I 
soon became restless in my feelings, and perplexed in my 
speculations. I ceased to be the happy being I had been ; 
my mind could no longer be said to be fixed to any particular 
point. 

" How long this state of things continued, I am not able 
distinctly to state ; but, by a circumstance of singular cha- 
racter, a complete change, for a time at least, took place in 
my pursuits : I suddenly cut with my acquaintance, and be- 
came again a close student. 

" I had from my boyhood felt an enthusiastic delight in 
theatrical representations ; and even now, although so many 
years have elapsed, and so many strange and important 
changes have taken place, I can distinctly remember the rap- 
ture with which I have run to the little Theatre in my native 
town, where I have witnessed the present clever Harry Be- 
verly play the monkey in ' La Pereuse ;' or have witnessed 
the personation of Rolla by his father, and Cora by his mo- 
ther ; while Cobham figured in all the glory of youth, as 
Alonzo, Alexander, and Glenalvon. 

" Singular as it may appear, I had never then witnessed a 
performance in either of the patent houses. But now the 
fame of Master W. H. W. Betty, or, as he was called, the 
s Young Roscius, 9 drew me, as it did thousands of others, to 
London. I saw, admired, and wondered, and at once deter- 
mined to become a candidate for histrionic honours. Full of 
this purpose, I returned home, and, as I have said, became a 
close student. As, however, no opportunity offered for me 
to don the sock and buskin, I resolved to write for others, 
ind write I did ; and as I scribbled for mere amusement, and 
not for gain, my performances were praised and accepted. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO, 2?3 

Here my literary career commenced — the eacoethes scribendi 
exerted its full influence over me, and I felt no pleasure equal 
to that which I experienced when busily engaged rummaging 
my mental wardrobe to find some trappings in which to dress 
the strange creations of my own brain. Thus, what I then 
did for amusement, laid a foundation for what I have been 
obliged to resort to since as a profession. 

" But I will hasten on to what may be termed the most 
eventful, although by far the least creditable or pleasant part 
of my history. I settled in life, and settled, too> with prospects 
as bright and flattering as ever cheered the horizon of a hu- 
man being's earthly prospects. But they were not less eva- 
nescent than beautiful ; I never survey them (and I often do) 
without considering my subsequent sufferings as judicially 
permitted for my conduct then. Let no one after me consi- 
der perjury a venial offence, or imagine that the feelings of a 
sensitive and devoted female, are to be made the sport of a 
cold-hearted changeling with impunity ; and yet mine was 
not change — no, no ; bitter years of regret and unabated at- 
tachment, assure me it was infatuation,— madness ; — I was 
trepanned, I, — but where am I wandering? — I will explain. 

" It was a bright and beautiful summer's evening ; when ? 
as I was passing through my father's garden, I came unex- 
pectedly in contact with a female. Whatever before had 
been my notions of female loveliness, I now felt they were in- 
correct ; and that if any standard could be raised by which 
that arbitrary term might be defined, such an one stood be- 
fore me. It was not simply in stature, symmetry, step, or 
complexion, that her fascination existed : these all appeared 
forgotten ; and where, as on former occasions, my attention 
had been fixed by some particular grace or expression, I now 
was unable to make any selection — all seemed alike un- 
equalled ; — she appeared to me the prototype of Milton's 
Eve :— 

* So lovely fair, 
That what seem'd fair in all the world, seem'd now 
Mean ; or in her summed up, in her contain'd, 
And in her looks ; which from that time infused 
Sweetness into my heart, unfelt before, 
And into all things by her inspir'd 
The spirit of love and amorous delight,' 

"That I should feel anxious to know who this fair crea- 
ture was, was natural, and it was soon gratified. She was 
only a visitor in the neighbourhood, and had called upon my 



374 THE RAMBLES OF 

mother at the request of the lady at whose house she was 
staying. After this we met frequently, and every succeeding 
meeting had the fatal tendency of robbing me completely of 
my peace. Soon I beheld the lovely girl with as ardent and 
pure a passion as mortal should feel towards mortal. At length, 
every assurance that modesty and truth could give, were fur- 
nished, that I loved not alone. A thousand instances of deep 
devoted attachment on her part are yet stored up in my me- 
mory; which, as I think on, crush me with a weight of 
grief scarcely endurable. 

" Years passed on, and our acquaintance and friends talked 
expectingly of 

•• Nuptial sanctity and marriage rites, 

which they expected would soon take place, when — the 
thought is like a bolt of fire shot through my brain to scathe 
my being — a serpent, in female form, crossed my path, and 
coming between Amelia and myself, blasted my happiness 
for ever. Oh, how frequently have I reviewed that fatal mo- 
ment with pangs unutterable ; and then suddenly starting, 
as if roused from a fearful vision to endure the misery or 
dreadful reality, — I have enquired, — ' Is it then true ?' — alas ! 
I have found it so. Between this woman and the artless 
Amelia, nature did never produce a greater dissimilarity. 
Shakspeare's comparison might here be instituted — » 

" That was to this, 
Hyperion to a satyr." 

Yet so it was, by a master-piece of art, — to perfect which 
were suited the tone of her voice, the action of her body, 
nay, tlfe very muscles of her hated face, — she triumphed. 
Onwards I went to my ruin, as if unconscious of it, — mean- 
time 1 saw the horrible chasm yawning to receive me. My 
infatuated passion over-ruled my judgment, but did not de- 
stroy it ; — but to the sequel. After years of devoted affec- 
tion, felt and returned, I resigned-7-abandoned ! the woman 
who only possessed my heart, and was united by legal bonds 
to one who acted as a demon to me afterwards. Still it is 
well ; I shudder, but dare not murmur. 

" Scarcely had three short months elapsed after signing 
the fatal contract, when the mask was removed, which my 
wife, ere she became such, had worn. I now learned I had 
no Home I my dwelling-place became the most loathsome 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 375 

place. Now the soft and gentle tones of a voice which 
seemed incapable of reaching a loftier key, were changed to 
the ceaseless thundering of a Borean storm. Conviction fell 
with a withering blight upon me — I felt my evil situation, 
but knew not how to remedy it. Now it was that I saw a 
retributive hand in the sorrows I endured. The perjury of 
which I had been guilty to the deeply injured Amelia, was fol- 
lowed by punishment from the thing for whom I had sacrificed 
her happiness and health. To put away the more than half- 
distracting thoughts which harassed me, I seized — foolishly 
—madly seized the intoxicating cup, and added fire to flame. 

" Oh, what a change had a few years wrought ! — I stood 
confounded amidst ruin and desolation. Affairs at home 
grew worse and worse ; and from a small quantity to cheer 
my spirits, as I foolishly supposed, I increased my draughts, 
until I became a settled drunkard ! Under the influence of 
spirits, I gave security for a professed friend to a large 
amount. The sum for which I had unconsciously made my- 
self responsible was demanded. To meet it I was convinced 
my whole property must be sacrificed. Stung to madness by 
my folly, and rendered desperate by my wife's insulting con- 
duct — I ran to that which had already so deeply ruined 
me,— I staid not to examine the justness of the demand made 
upon me ; but, in order to avoid present disgrace, and to es- 
cape the misery of beholding the distress of my beloved 
children, — for they were dear to me as my heart's blood, — I 
fled— t-fled from the place of my ruin ; and scarcely knowing 
what I did, I crossed the British Channel, having no fixed 
plan before me, excepting a desire to leave my country, as I 
then thought, for ever. 

" As soon as I arrived at Paris, I proceeded to the Rue de 
la Paix, and took up my residence at one of the best inns in 
that dissipated city, the Hotel Mirabeau. I had secured all 
the ready money I could lay my hand upon before I left 
home, which I found amounted to about two hundred and 
sixty pounds. Here I drank largely, anxious, if possible, to 
forget the past and hide the present and the future. With 
the feelings of a maniac, I rushed from the Hotel in the even- 
ing — I knew not to what point my steps were leading me, or 
what was my intention. I wandered on, — crossed the Place 
Louis XI., over the Pont Louis Seize, towards the bank of 
the Seine, and now destruction lay full before me. I ap- 
proached the dark waters* in which, almost every night that 



376 THE RAMBLES OF 

passes, some one or more unhappy beings, rushing from the 
gaming tables or loathsome brothels of the Palais Royal, ter- 
minate their earthly sorrows. 

" This was an awful crisis ; the horrible suggestion stole 
upon me that it were better to die than live as I was doomed 
to do. I staggered nearer, and yet nearer,— I gained the mar- 
gin of the water— an invisible power seemed to urge me on — 
a fearful desperation shot through my brain ; the strong 
fumes of the ardent spirits 1 had drunk rendered me furious. 
I exclaimed as I rushed towards perdition, — 'Thus will I 
end it.' At that moment I perceived a figure floating on the 
stream ; it neared the spot where I stood-— I seemed trans- 
fixed by some powerful necromantic spell, being alike unable 
to go forward or retreat, I stooped to lay hold of the object 
which had so singularly fixed my attention. It was the body 
of a woman,— oh ! it was a ghastly sight! — I shuddered then 
— I shudder now. Murder had, without doubt, terminated 
the existence of one who was young and handsome. I was 
sobered in a moment ; — my blood curdled in my veins as I 
gazed upon a gaping gash on the neck, from which even yet 
blood oozed out. The sound of approaching footsteps roused 
me from a partial stupor ; — I feared to be charged with the 
black crime of murder, and I instantly sought to save what 
a few minutes before I appeared determined to destroy — my 
life ! Creeping, like some guilty thing, I left the spot, and 
soon beheld the corpse conveyed to the building which is 
erected for the purpose of receiving the bodies found in the 
river. 

" Once more I flew to ardent spirits, and drank until the 
proper exercise of my reason was gone ; and in this state I 
wandered, more by instinct than understanding, to the first 
floor of the Palais Royal, and entered one of those spacious 
and splendid Pandemoniums whence many a frantic youth 
had issued, uttering fearful execrations on the hour that he 
first entered its infernal gates, and ended his course by an 
act of self-destruction. 

"The dice were actively thrown, and polite invitations 
were tendered me to join the game. I did so, — won, and bet 
again and again ; and again fortune seemed to favour me. 
Thus I continued to fill my pockets, until, feeling thirst press- 
ing me, and elated at my success, I retired to that brilliant 
temple of luxury, the Cafe des Milles Colonnes ; so called be- 
cause its columns are reflected in glasses till they become 



CAPTAIN BOLrO. 377 

thousands, — and then I added intoxication to thirst. Now 
my die seemed cast indeed ; I strayed back to the place I had 
a short time since left, and in less than one hour, my win- 
nings had returned to the pockets of those from whom they 
had proceeded, while my own money went with them. Thus, 
on the first night of this my last visit to Paris, I became, 
through intoxication, a gambler, — and, through gambling, a 
beggar I 

" The grey mists of early dawn were still hanging around, 
when I awoke on the following morning, shivering with cold 
and damp like an aspen leaf. I started upon my feet with 
surprise, and, looking round, discovered that I had been re- 
clining upon one of the chairs which are placed in the inside 
of the piazzas of the Palais Royal, and which, during the day, 
are let to dissipated loungers, with a newspaper, for a couple 
of sous each. A few moments 5 recollection sufficed to make 
me feel as much as I could recollect of my night's folly. But 
how I had left the gaming house, or by what means I had suc- 
ceeded to place myself where I had, without doubt, remained 
a considerable time, I could by no effort explain or conceive. 

" The hum of conversation which fell on my ear, soon in- 
creased to a noise ; for, as usual, the piazzas began to fill. 
Shame took hold of me, and, to avoid the gaze of my fellows, 
I hastily left the place. For two or three hours I strolled 
about the suburbs of the city, and mingled with crowds it was 
impossible to avoid. The cravings of nature became oppres- 
sive, and then the bitter thought that I was pennyless, nearly 
drove me to despair and madness. Without money, with- 
out a house, without a friend, — an exile from my country, — - 
a ruined man fleeing from the myrmidons of the law, and 
seeking to avoid the pointing finger of scorn, — all this I was, 
what more could I be ? I was the dupe of hypocrisy and de- 
ception! 

" One only piece of property remained to me in the world, 
— at least, that was available, — and that was a valuable watch. 
That it did remain was unaccountable ; yet so it was, and this 
to me appeared like a plank thrown out to a drowning man. 
A gleam of comfort darted athwart my gloomy mind as I felt 
it. My immediate wants might at least be met by the sum 
it would produce : of the future I dared not think. The first 
shop that caught my eye, at which it was likely I could ex- 
change my time-piece for some pieces of gold, I entered, and 
found it was a thing of common occurrence for gentlemen. 



378 THE RAMBLES OF 

after spending a night in the Palais Royal, to raise funds in 
the same way. The bargain was soon struck, and with nearly 
one-third the worth of my watch, I entered a restaurant; the 
carte was handed me, and I made my selection. 

" Having consumed sufficient to satisfy my appetite, and 
drunk half a bottle of wine, for which I paid four francs and 
twelve sous, I desired a strong tumbler of Brandy grog to be 
made me, and strove, while swallowing it, to put away the 
horrors of my now obtruding and distracting reflections ; but 
in vain, they dwelt with me. 

" Thus I passed one miserable week. At length, a pow- 
erful admonition in the shape of fast diminishing funds, 
warned me of the propriety of seeking a fresh supply ; but 
how it was to be accomplished my inventive mind could not 
conceive. Day after day I strode through Paris, hoping to 
obtain some employment for my pen, but in vain. My appli- 
cations met with arepulseinmore instances than one. Sopassed 
my time until the whole of my stock of money was contained 
in seven francs. What economy could do with this, perhaps 
I did do ; but that could not make it last for ever : no, it di- 
minished rapidly, and at length my last franc jingled upon 
the table of the Cafe Montausier, — for, from the most splen- 
did accommodation which Paris could supply, I had sunk to 
the most wretched. I paid for my last meal ; but how or 
where food or lodging was to be procured for the future, I 
could not conceive. Day passed, and night came with all the 
horrors of destitution, both of food and bed ; foV Parisians, 
like the dwellers in London, will no longer furnish supplies 
than le prix is produced. 

"The beautiful plantations of the Champs Elysees seemed 
likely to afford me an asylum, and to those fine woods I 
wandered and took up my lodging. "Soundly and sweetly I 
slept until the sun was high in the heavens of the following 
day. Again I strayed into the city of frivolity and dissipa- 
tion ; and, as I walked onwards, my eye caught an announce- 
ment which stated, that an English gentleman, who was 
about to take a tour, was in want of a servant. Menial as 
the situation was, I considered it preferable to starving. I 
applied for it, and was engaged. I was soon equipped in a 
dress suited to my new station, and in a short time left Paris 
with my master. 

" With the rapidity of couriers we passed through Troyes, 
Dijon, and Besancon a to Lausanne; and from thence, after a 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 379 

brief rest, moved at break of day for Chillon. If I did not 
fear to exhaust your patience, I could linger here with de- 
light to tell of the rich, sublime, and subduing charm of Swiss 
scenery, where cottages, castles, churches, and villages, meet 
the entranced view, and intersperse the luscious landscape. 
Here, fertile vineyards greet the sight, and there, a handsome 
chateau arrests the attention. Occasionally frowning perpen- 
dicular rocks of stupendous height, make a powerful impres- 
sion on the mind ; in whose deep beds the celebrated Rhone 
dashed, foamed, and wound away, sending up sounds from 
the deep abyss, loud and melancholy, which were again re- 
lieved by the tinkling of goatherds' bells, coming down from 
the Alpine hills. The view from Villeneuve, which is at one 
extremity of the lake of Geneva, is beyond all description 
fine ; the imagination of man can supply nothing equal to it. 
So many bright associations are blended with the scenery as 
to render it overpowering. From this point the chateau of 
Chillon is seen to the utmost advantage, mouldering in its 
own magnificence and idle uselessness. As it meets the eye, 
the fate of the courageous, the patriotic, the virtuous Bon- 
nivardt, the hero of liberty, the model of firmness, rushes 
upon the mind, — and the prisoner of Chillon, 

1 Who, for his father's faith, 
Suffer'd chains, and courted death,' 

stands before the creative imagination. Byron's Muse has 
immortalized the place ; with pure and happy expression, and 
with a vigour and spirit which does honour to his own mighty 
mind, he has sung his sufferings and his wrongs. Who can 
but feel the charm of the latter part of his sonnet ? 

* Chillon ! thy prison is a holy place, 

And thy sad floor an altar ; — for 'twas trod 
Until his very steps have left a trace, 
Worn, as if thy cold pavement were a sod. 

By Bonnivardt ! May none those marks efface ! 
For they appeal from tyranny to God." 

" From this immortalized place we pushed across the 
Simplon, terrible in grandeur ; from whose giddy heights 
we gazed on the captivating Val d'Ossalo ; and passing 
through several neat villages, and some very miserable ones, 
entered Milan ; a place justly famous for every thing but 
liberty, which it has never properly known. After paying 
all becoming respect to its magnificent amphitheatre, which 



380 



THE RAMBLES OF 



is capable of holding thirty thousand spectators, and sur- 
veying with admiration the splendid remains of those re- 
nowned masters, Leonardo da Vinci, Titian, and Bernardo 
Zenale, and other interesting objects, we hasted on to the 
gay and voluptuous city of Venice. And here again my 
highest wishes were gratified by the surveying of persons and 
things, with which, by name, I had long been familiar 

" Ferrara, Florence, Naples, the village Marochiano, and 
the School of Virgil, were merely visited. Rome was the 
attractive spot to which our attention was directed ; and 
having taken up our abode in it, we remained a considerable 
time. 

" How lively a feeling is excited, and how powerful are its 
workings in the breast of every lover of the fine arts, even by 
the solitary mention of the cradle of History, Poetry, Music, 
Painting, Sculpture, &c, — Italy : — every thing connected 
with these scenes is blended with our youthful associations of 
pleasure, delight, grandeur, glory, ecstacy. Once the seat 
of empire for the mistress of the whole world, although at 
present the haunt of vice, and the throne of antichrist, it 
will never lose its celebrity, until taste ceases to exist for 
every thing that is great in antiquity or glorious in arts. 
Every object of an inanimate kind even, whether dug from 
the bowels of its flaming mountains, or fished up from the 
Tiber, Po, or Adda, is conceived of as a gem by every vir- 
tuoso : how could it be otherwise than that I should receive 
more pleasure than I can express, when I stood upon the 
ground whose praises all nations have sung, and whose fame 
will only expire with the expiring groan of a dying world ? — 
Yes, true and beautiful are the golden lines of Rogers, — 

" For ever and for ever shalt thou be 
Unto the lover and the poet dear — 
Thou land of sun-lit skies, and fountains clear, 
Of temples and gay columns, waving woods, - 
And mountains, from whose heights the bursting floods 
Rush in bright tumult to the Adrian sea: 
O thou romantic Italy ! 
Mother of poetry, and sweet sounds." 

" Having satisfied his curiosity here, my master determined 
to visit Spain, and for that purpose embarked at the mouth 
of that celebrated stream, the Tiber ; and, crossing the Medi- 
terranean, landed at Cadiz. But here our separation took 
place ; for, while enjoying an excursion in the bay, a sudden 
gust caught the boat in which he was ; she heeled on her lar. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 381 

board gunwale, filled, and sunk; and all on board, excepting 
only myself, perished. 

w Once more I was literally thrown upon the world, having 
nothing. The whole of my late master's papers were under 
my care ; and, while I was carelessly turning over some news- 
papers which had been recently received from England, I 
saw, to my inexpressible astonishment, an announcement of 
my wife's death, connected with a paragraph which referred 
to my sudden departure from home some years before, under 
the presumption, as it was supposed, that my entire property 
had been forfeited in consequence of my having become se- 
curity for a false friend. It added, that the document had 
been examined when the demand was made, and found in 
some legal point informal ; in consequence of which, what I 
had left had been enjoyed by my wife and family until her 
death, and would now, in all probability, be placed under the 
care of the Lord Chancellor, unless I should, if living, soon 
return and prevent it. 

" Such intelligence was electrical. I soon changed my 
dress, and in two months from that time I again pressed my 
dear children to my heart. I found, however, that my pro- 
perty had wasted materially ; but in a little time I procured 
a situation of the greatest respectability ; and all things bid 
fair that I might yet be happy and prosperous ; but alas ! it 
was not so, — death entered my family, and tore from my arms 
the delight of my eyes, in the person of a dear, dear girl ! 
Another sickened, and with menacing attitude the fell de- 
stroyer appeared fast approaching her. Nothing, I was sure, 
would save her life but a removal ; and, therefore, to remove 
I determined. 

" Before this period I had become acquainted with one who 
had professed the greatest interest in my welfare. Again and 
again he had besought me to remove to the vicinity of his 
mansion, in the country ; assuring me of all the aid he could 
render me both by influence and property. Upwards of a 
year had passed, during which time his importunities had 
been continued, when I informed him, in the confidence of 
friendship, that I required a trifling sum to free me from a 
few obligations which pressed upon me ; and if he could 
supply that upon loan, I would accede to his pressing wishes, 
and remove. Without hesitation he did so, for to accom- 
plish any purpose upon which his heart was bent, nothing 
would retard him. 



382 THE RAMBLES OF 

w Such treatment as I received from himseif and others, 
upon my settling where he had wished me, made me feel 
confident I was fixed for life. But soon the flattering scene 
passed away, and the fallacy of resting upon human friend- 
ship was, when too late, discovered. The person to whom I 
refer was the keeper of a private asylum for insane persons, 
— you, it is possible, have never heard his name even, — 
would I had not, — it is Wildolett — n 

" Wildolett !" exclaimed Lady Bolio, and the doctor and 
his wife together. 

"Yes, Wildolett/ 5 returned Mr. Mornington; "but why?" 

" Surely, I have heard that name," observed Mrs, Leechum ; 
" but no, no ; it cannot be the same ; — excuse me, Sir : we 
met a gentleman of that name, recently, at Devizes." 

" It is the same, Madam," resumed Mornington ; u there 
he is well known — would that I had known him as well be- 
fore I listened to his specious promises, as I have since done. 
He is a villain, Madam, one of the darkest grain, — a stabber 
in the dark — a robber of families — the changeling of an hour — 
a pompous braggadocian, whose darling expression of f Rho- 
domontade/ is fully characteristic of that part of the man. 
But I beg pardon, I will hasten to a close with my too pro- 
lix tale. 

" A few months only had passed after I had located in the 
vicinity of F ton House, the residence of my would-be- 
considered honest and disinterested friend, Mr. Wildolett, 
when such a falling off took place as I could scarcely have 
conceived to have been within the range of possibility ; al- 
though not a few had prognosticated it. The fact is, he had 
a particular object to accomplish, but of which I, until after 
he had employed me as his tool, was not aware. He panted 
for official supremacy in the place, which, on the ground of 
qualification and character, had long been possessed by an- 
other. His little soul 

* Hated the excellence it could not reach,' 

and he determined by some means — and to him it mattered 
not what their character might be — 

* Though dark as Erebus, and vile and low 
As fiends could practise from the realms below,' 

to oust the gentleman who now held the station, after which 
he panted, and get himself inaugurated. 
" There is a degree of subtlety about some rogues which is 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 383 

really astonishing ; — they have a tact and method of their 
own which none can imitate, while a steady, patient, circum- 
locutory plotting is resorted to by them; which, while it lulls 
the suspicions of those upon whom they are about to work, 
generally accomplishes their purpose. Thus it was, in the prin- 
ciples and practices of the present honourable gent. No way 
appeared so likely to him, by which to effectuate his design, 
as through my influence, and that influence he determined 
to obtain. 

"The disposal of the office in question was not, indeed, 
vested in me ; but from the station which I removed into 
Wiltshire to fill, I had little more to do than signify my wish 
in the matter, and it would be attended to. 

" My removal having taken place, the canting, fawning 
sycophant commenced the enaction of his part. Like an- 
other Lord Protector in spirit, without possessing a hun- 
dredth part of his intelligence, — for it was merely the worst 
part of that great man's character which he possessed, — like 
him, he deplored that things were as they were; and hinted 
an improvement could never take place until a change in 
official influence was effected ; but, at the same time, most 
solemnly protested against ever taking office himself, even if 
besought to do so. 

" Oh, the darkness of that man's soul ! — the deep-grained 
hypocrisy with which he acted ! He had professed himself 
my friend, — my devoted friend. He had, professionally, 
served me. He had watched my every want, and anticipated 
my every wish, — and wherefore ? O the climax of deception ! 
that he might the more easily and entirely gain my confi- 
dence, and obtain, as he might desire, my ear and heart. 

'* He commenced his operations with the skill of a miner, 
cautiously and covertly approaching the point at which he 
purposed to spring his mine. With words of ambiguity he 
gently hinted at the vileness of the character of the gentle- 
man whom he wished to supplant ; his entire unfitness for 
office ; the ill favour in which he stood with all about him ; 
the joy that would be diffused if he were ejected ; the — 
enough, — his inuendos were poured forth with the readiness 
of a master. I was a stranger to the place and to the libelled 
individual ; — the robber of his fair fame aped the part of Dr. 
Cantwell excellently, — nay, he aped it not at all ; he was to 
the very life what that well-known character had been made 
by the creative energy of the poet. 



384 



THE RAMBLES OF 



" Too fully and too fatally the fellow succeeded ; a change 
was effected, and he — he who had solemnly vowed never to 
fill the post, jumped at its possession, and occupied the chair. 
His triumph seemed complete — his soul's desire was accom- 
plished ; and now, a change, — a sudden change, — came on. 
I saw, when too late, that I had been duped. He soon be- 
came cool in his attentions, and distant in his manners ; or 
with a degree of vulgar familiarity, diametrically opposed to 
the respectful courtesy which had before characterized his 
manners towards me, he evidently was determined to make 
me feel I was his debtor ! He did make me feel it, for on that 
point I was most sensitive ; — he insulted me, meanly, — and 
in the most cowardly way insulted me, in the persons of my 
children. I felt my thraldom, and was compelled silently to 
submit, — with poor Romeo I was ready to exclaim, 

• Break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.' 

" Once and again, however, I claimed at his hands sums 
which he held in trust for me, from those whose officer he had 
now become. The response to the demand, however, suited 
not his purpose. I grew troublesome to him, and he deter- 
mined to rid himself of one whose eyes began to be opened 
to the part he had been, and still was, playing. 

'* Now came the climax of his dark plotting mind ; — he 
framed with ingenuity a tale, and caused it to be circulated 
by certain family agents, which at once stabbed my good 
name, and made me a thing little short of a beggar. I ap- 
pealed to the laws of my country for protection and restitu- 
tion ; and, had I possessed funds, could have purchased that 
justice which I sought for in vain without money. What 
could I do ? — the stigma rested upon my character ; and be- 
cause I possessed not the means to obtain redress, there, 
like a plague-spot, it continued : and, while the execrations 
of the many fell upon my persecutor, by not a few I was held 
as guilty, and I was doomed to endure the consequences. 

" Of all the miseries, merely of an earthly nature, which a 
man can know, poverty appears the greatest. A man may 
be infected with a disease which makes him loathsome both 
to himself and others ; yet, money can make his society de- 
lightful ; — every infirmity under which human nature can 
groan may he endure — money can conceal the infirmity, or 
can change the defect to a positive embellishment — he may 
be a knave of the first quality, whom society ought to shun 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 385 

and execrate, and yet money will form an apology for him, 
and make his presence welcome, even where the appearance 
of evil, it might have been supposed, would have been stu- 
diously avoided. * Non compos mentis' may be his state ; in 
plain English, a very fool, whose ignorance may be declared 
by every word he utters, and in every action he performs ; 
but money will turn his folly into racy wit, and his sopo- 
rific ignorance into oracular wisdom ; — in short, the only un- 
pardonable and intolerable sin is poverty / Mind, and inte- 
grity, and real worth, because associated with indigence, is 
obliged to suffer 

* The stings and arrows of outrageous fortune, 
Or else to bear the whips and scorns of time, 
The oppressor's wrong,— the proud man's contumely, 

the law's delay, 

The insolence of office, and the spurns 
That patient merit of the unworthy takes.' 

" All this / now felt,— bitterly felt. I was necessitated to 
leave the town, into which but a short time before, that man, 
— if he be a man, — who was now the cause of my removal, 
had ushered me with the sound of music. Like the first 
murderer, I was consigned to wander forth and seek a sub- 
sistence for myself and my children elsewhere. My esta- 
blishment was broken up, and my property brought to the 
hammer — at an immense sacrifice, I need not say. I looked 
upon my children, and felt only as a father could feel. Oh 
misery!' — misery! — they were suddenly and unexpectedly 
thrown upon the world. I now turned for a living to that 
which had long been my favourite recreation, — authorship. 
And here again I felt the cruelty of "Wildolett : the library 
which I possessed, and which, in the profession upon which 
I was compelled to enter, appeared indispensable that I 
should retain, — this friend, this devoted and disinterested 
friend of the mad-house, — demanded and possessed as secu- 
rity for the sum he had advanced to me upon loan, as an in- 
ducement to me to take up my abode near his asylum, and 
serve his purposes ; but 

' He won not his honours well, 
And did not wear them long.' 

He was ejected from his villanously obtained office, while a 
special vote was recorded against him that he was unfit for 
the office. 



i 






3S6 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Situated as I now was, I had no resource left me but to 
repair to the emporium of every thing estimable and execra- 
ble — London ! I did so, and with all possible expedition 
entered upon the miseries of a literary career, professionally. 
While I wrote gratuitously, my compositions had been re- 
ceived with pleasure and applause ; but now, being obliged 
to write for food, they were treated with indifference, and in 
not a few cases rejected. I have sold to a bloated mercenary 
bookseller, who was revelling in abundance at the expense 
of authors' brains, a volume for fifty or sixty shillings ! for 
which I ought to have received as many pounds. 

" I was yet a novice in my new profession ; I knew not 
the art and trickery of the business upon which I had en- 
tered. I applied week after week, and month after month, 
for literary engagements, fondly hoping to succeed, until 
hope being delayed made my heart completely sick. I lived 
upon the little I had possessed until the whole of that little 
was gone, and all I retained in the world was what I stood 
upright in, and in that all a coat was not included. 

" At length the gloom broke away, I obtained an engage- 
ment, and what I produced was applauded, — highly ap- 
plauded ; but then it was with difficulty I could obtain my 
money for what I had written. Often have I wandered in 
the Park and about London, hungry and faint, and the only 
solace I had, if such can be so called, was to reflect that the 
immortal Johnson, and his unfortunate friend Savage, had 
many a time traversed the Streets of the city during whole 
nights for want of a bed. 

" Whether sheer barbarity, ignorance, or forgetfulness, be 
the cause or not, it would, perhaps, be unfair to determine ; 
but I have known it many a time and oft, that I have en- 
tered the shop of the man for whom I had written, and who 
was at the time my debtor for pounds, when I have been al- 
lowed to stand the gazing-stock of customers and porters, 
until every fibre of my system has been stretched to their 
utmost tension by strong excitement ; and then, with cold- 
ness which good manners could not approve, the small sum 
he has felt disposed to pay, has been doled out as if it had 
been a subscription to some unpopular charity fund. 

" At this time my residence was a small dark smoky 
upper room, in a narrow dark passage, something in point 
of size and furniture, like that which Kirke White so gra- 
phically describes as having been his study at Cambridge, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 387 

with this no very slight difference, — the annoyance of squall- 
ing children, quarrelling females, and drunken men, which by 
day and by night I had often to endure. 

" I have frequently contemplated the change in my circum- 
stances, until I have been reduced to a state little short of 
what would have fitted me to have become a worthy inmate 
of my worthy and well-beloved friend Wildolett's esta- 
blishment. 

"At length a brighter day dawned. I became known 
among the initiated literati — the trade found me out, and I 
obtained such engagements as rendered me increasingly com- 
fortable. I am now rising in my new profession. I feel 
something very like happiness ; but that I fear I never shall 
know again — 

* I have a secret sorrow here,' 

an indefinable presentiment which assures me that happiness 
has fled my bosom for ever ! — the current of my being seems 
soured. The deception I have experienced has rendered me, — 
what naturally I was not, a suspicious thing. I have be- 
come a species of misanthrope — my only ambition now is to 
see my children provided for, and placed above the cold con- 
tempt, or chilling pity, of those who once made a semi-idol 
of their father : that felicitous object granted me, and I shall 
be satisfied. Hope still urges to the pursuit of that for 
which- 1 constantly sigh, and incessantly labour; and, while 
I feel grateful for the care Providence has exercised over 
me and mine until the present hour, I hesitate not to 
trust in the paternal protection of Him who is the Father 
of us all. I have learned some useful lessons, which I hope 
never to forget, from the treatment I have experienced 
at the hands of Wildolett; and, although I sincerely pity his 
despicable character, I shall feel it a duty I owe to society, to 
warn others against his deceptions ; and, while malevolent 
feelings are banished from my breast, I shall, in stronger lan- 
guage than he will approve, make such disclosures concern- 
ing him and his establishment, as he does not expect ; and, 
by so doing, make the public acquainted with facts of which 
they ought not to remain ignorant/' 

Here Mornington closed his somewhat prolix narrative. 
The doctor offered his condolence to his old friend for his 
past mishaps, while he congratulated him upon his brighter 
prospects. 

s 2 



388 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Only think of that barefaced canting old fellow!" ex- 
claimed Mrs. Leechura ; — " Well, I protest, he would only 
meet his deserts if, for two days in every week during a 
whole year, he was to be placed in the stocks on Devizes 
Green — Fm sure I should not pity him, — should you, my 
dear Lady Bolio ?" 

" Such despicable creatures, my dear," answered her la- 
dyship, "are beneath our notice ; and yet, while they swarm 
around us as they do, it does appear necessary, to prevent 
the mischief they delight ever to be doing, that some strong 
measures should be taken for that purpose. I think the 
course Mr. Mornington intends pursuing, is the best that can 
be adopted : his knowledge of the man and of his ways will 
empower him to do two services at one time, — punish the 
vile aggressor for his infamous conduct, and warn the public 
against his notorious practices." 

Every thing that could be done to render Mr. Morning- 
ton's stay at Bath pleasant was resorted to ; and when the 
time arrived which rendered it necessary he should leave, 
some substantial proofs were presented him that his visit had 
been enjoyed by his kind friends ; while a promise was 
received from him that he would, whenever an opportunity 
offered, spend some time with them, at their residence in 
Devonshire. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

" Come gather round me, murky night, 
And hide the deed from heav'n's clear light 
My ring, my purse, my gold and all, 

For service rendered, gratis ; 
She seiz'd, — then fled beyond my call — 
Oh, think now what my fate is !" 

Cunningham. 

Several days had passed since the distressing circum- 
stances, gravely detailed in a preceding chapter, took place, 
when the tail of Miss Fidget's dear Carlo was scalded, the 
nose of Lord Dash wood was bruised and battered, Sir Mar- 
maduke had stood up to his ancles in boiling water, &c. &c, 
during which time, neither Dashwood, Sir Marmaduke, nor 
the doctor, had strolled one hundred yards from the York 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 389 

Hotel. Not only had his lordship's nasal protuberance 
continued dreadfully swollen, but a pair of black eyes had 
been superadded, a natural consequence of the blow he had 
received from the thick head of the Duchess ; while the 
Knight's foot was still sore from the scalding ablution. These 
causes prevented the before-mentioned personages from en- 
joying the delightful excursions on which they had confi- 
dently calculated : in the mean time his reverence had been 
confined to his chamber by a severe attack of cholick, as the 
doctor confidently believed, by too great an abstinence from 
such decoctions of brandy as he loved, and swallowing too 
large portions of those celebrated waters, the honour of the 
discovery of which, the ancient Bathonians most sagely main- 
tained, belonged to King Bladud and his foul-scurfed pigs ; 
but which monstrous legend the present eminently enlight- 
ened race reject with as much scorn as a lover of true his- 
tory would a wild and fictitious Canterbury tale. 

But while the male portion of our Bath visitors were thus 
confined to their hotel, the ladies indulged themselves with 
such pleasures as the various public walks and accommo- 
dating lounges of the city and vicinity so abundantly supply. 
Here the golden Duchess might be seen passing along the 
fashionable crowded way, with as much dignity of step and 
demeanour as if she had derived her being in a direct and 
uncorrupted line from the celebrated Charlemagne, instead 
of standing connected — (as by marriage she did) — remotely, 
it is admitted, to the scarcely less popular character, — Nell 
Gwynnej — while Miss Fidget, bearing in her arms her dear 
Carlo, appeared only to experience enjoyment, as she believed 
her canine darling was happy. 

As the just mentioned pair of important personages moved 
on, noticed and bowed to by numbers in the throng, in con- 
sequence of the fame which the Duchess from various causes 
had acquired, Georgiana enjoyed a good-tempered and kind 
tete-a-tete in the rear, with her servant Claudius. Frequent 
intercourse with our hero had led the young lady to think 
less meanly, or rather more favourably, of his talents, than 
heretofore she had done ; — there was to her something half 
engaging in his ready witted replies to her questions, and the 
shrewd observations which he made in reference to subjects 
on which she wished for information. 

Had not our hero worn his master's livery, it is a hundred 
to one but some scandal-loving personages might have been 



390 THE RAMBLES OF 

censorious enough to have hmted that the sweet and fine 
bright eyes of Georgiana were turned too often and too ten- 
derly towards the handsome young man, or that he was 
allowed to walk too near her person. As it was, however, 
little danger existed on that head ; not only was his costume 
a sufficient guarantee for full propriety of conduct on either 
side, but the familiar associations and unrestrained inter- 
change of thoughts, common between ladies of ton and their 
liveried attendants, gave full sanction for Georgiana's con- 
duct, and caused that to pass unnoticed among the votaries 
of fashion, which in an uninitiated village would have sup- 
plied matter for a week's consternation and a month's gossip, 
amongst prudish old maids and precise order-loving ma- 
trons. 

It was on one such occasion as has just been referred to, 
that an incident occurred, which, however serious to the par- 
ties concerned, afforded no small measure of amusement to 
those who were only spectators of the scene. 

One of the favourite and almost daily walks of the ladies 
was Grosvenor Gardens ; here they sauntered through de- 
lightful groves, wandered down serpentine walks, rested in 
shady bowers, or lost themselves in artfully formed laby- 
rinths, looking and feeling as if they had been resident spi- 
rits of this fairy realm. 

" Claudius !" shouted the Duchess, as she took her seat 
in as beautiful a grotto as any dweller in the coral caves of 
ocean would wish to inhabit, — " Claudius, I say. 5 ' 

No responsive sound came forth from the called one, and 
good reason there was for it ; he was not within the reach of 
her voice, although the lungs of her Grace were by no means 
deficient in strength, or spared upon the occasion. 

" How very annoying this is," observed Miss Fidget, " to 
be obliged to shout thus for a servant." 

" I wish," resumed her Grace, " I had desired one of my 
servants to be in attendance ; but then to have such a posse 
of menials around me is almost as irksome as to be alto- 
gether destitute. — I find that every servant, my dear Miss 
Fidget, is a spy upon the actions of those they serve ; and it 
is not always quite agreeable to fill the world with informa- 
tion through such a medium ; and you can neither render 
servants blind or dumb ; — to be sure, I do manage mine 
pretty well, I pay them liberally, and now and then a present 
is thankfully received." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 391 

Now, it is quite certain, that Miss Fidget heard every word 
of this somewhat lengthy speech ; but then, she did not feel 
its force — she either did not do that in the presence of her 
servants which she would blush to have made known, or 
otherwise she was less sensitive respecting the world's opi- 
nion than the golden Duchess ; and, therefore, as though she 
had not heard her friend's observations, she turned again to 
the subject her Grace had started, and enquired — " Wherever 
can he have gone ? — and Georgiana too, — why, I declare, we 
have lost them both I Georgiana, — my dear Georgiana, " 
cried the anxious Miss Fidget. 

" Oh, don't trouble yourself, my dear Miss Fidget/' ob- 
served her Grace, soothingly, " she is not far off, depend on 
it; and, as Claudius is with her, no barm will befal her — his 
presence will be a sufficient protection for Georgie, against the 
rudeness of others ; while of himself, of course, there can be 
no danger. My walk," continued the Duchess, " has ex- 
cited such a degree of thirst and languor, that I really must 
take some refreshment. This is a most delightful spot for 
the purpose. What would you prefer, Miss Fidget ?" 

" Why, realty, your Grace must excuse me," returned the 
sensitive lady, " I could not think of taking any thing in a 
public garden." 

" Why, my dear Miss Fidget I" exclaimed the Duchess, 
opening wide her eyes, and looking what she felt, — positively 
amazed at her delicately nerved companion, — (i what do you 
mean ?" 

" Oh, I should feel ready to die with confusion !" returned 
Miss Fidget ; " indeed I should, if any persons were to see 
me taking refreshment in such a place." 

" Pooh, pooh 1" returned the Duchess, whose delicacy on 
such points was not quite so transparent as Miss Fidget's; — 
<( Now, I protest, that I feel almost ready to die for want of 
something, and shall soon give up the ghost altogether if I 
do not obtain it ! Not take refreshment in a public garden I 
hal ha! ha ! — Excuse me, my dear Miss Fidget; but onlv 
think how excessively foolish it is to indulge in such feel- 
ings. Oh, here comes a waiter, — that's fortunate ; — now tell 
me what I shall desire him to bring to us." 

<( Xo\v really, my dear Duchess," simpered out the blush- 
ing young lady, " you must excuse me — indeed, you must." 
" Tut ! — tut," returned her Grace, — " Here,— waiter !" 
" Yes, Madam," said John, putting his hand very politely 



392 THE RAMBLES OF 

to his unbonneted head, and then giving the white napkin 
which he carried in his hand an extra turn round his arm. 

" Bring this lady a glass of hot port-negus, and let me 
have a tumbler of brandy-and-water — I feel very disposed to 
flatulency, and am obliged to have recourse to Cognac me- 
dicine." 

" I will attend to your order immediately, Madam," re- 
turned John; and making a graceful salam, he vanished like 
a sprite. 

As the order fell from the lips of the Duchess, Miss Fidget 
almost shrieked with alarm, and would, in all probability, 
have fainted from surprise, if it had been quite convenient. 

"Negus and brandy-and-water !" observed Miss Fidget; 
" why, surely your Grace is going — " 

"To have what nature requires," said the Duchess, taking 
up and finishing Miss Fidget's deliberate observation. — "De- 
pend upon it, my dear friend, that it is one of the greatest 
follies of which we poor innocent women are guilty, to be in- 
fluenced by the opinions of lookers on, rather than by the 
dictates of nature and common sense ; — however," added her 
Grace, in such a good-natured manner that even Miss Fidget 
could not return the charge, " I bless my stars that I have 
lived in the world long enough to laugh at its weaknesses, and 
set at defiance all it pleases to say : if I had not so done, I 
should have gone, mad, or have died of a broken heart long 
ago." 

However strong, and however proper, the dissenting feel- 
ings of Miss Fidget might have been to the loose philosophy 
which the rhapsody of the Duchess contained, she, as we 
have said^ replied not to it. The title of her Grace frittered 
away the obnoxiousness of her sentiments; while the finished 
sang froid of her manner, carried more force in it than the 
strongest argument would have contained, although it had 
been delivered by the mouth of a sage, or had issued from the 
chair of philosophy. 

The steaming beverage was soon placed before the ladies, 
and her Grace seized the drink she loved, and paid such re- 
spectful compliments to it, as proved it was to her a most 
welcome friend ; while Miss Fidget gently pressed the glass 
of negus with her thin lips, and then replaced it on the 
waiter. 

"Well, the negus is really excellent," observed Miss Fid- 
get, sipping it again and again. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 393 

u I should not have supposed it," returned the Duchess, 
s< if you had not said so." 

" Is is, upon my word," repeated the young lady, and she 
ventured to dip deeper than she had done before, by a good 
mouthful. 

" Well, now, that does look a little more like it," observed 
her Grace ; " I can't endure to see persons sip, sip, sip, and 
then hear them speak of that which a stranger might con- 
ceive to be medicine of the most nauseous kind, in terms of 
high eulogy ; — however, it is not my way of doing things," 
she added, and again drew hard upon her glass, until some- 
thing less than one-third of its recent contents remained. 

i( Now, be quiet, dear Carlo," cried Miss Fidget to her 
bosom friend, as he elevated his nose to her face, and then 
applied his milk-white tongue to her lips, and kissed from 
them such portions of the negus as yet might adhere to them. 
" Oh fie, fie ! Carlo, that's very rude," she continued ; " you 
have really forgotten yourself this morning ; — I really can't 
allow such liberties." 

Whether Carlo misunderstood the soft tones in which his 
mistress's reproof was given, supposing they were intended 
as an invitation to a further participation with her of the 
port-negus or not, is uncertain, — Carlo never stated, — but 
no sooner had Miss Fidget's tongue ceased to wag, than 
Carlo leaped from her lap upon the table, wagged his tail, 
and, to the consternation of both the ladies, overturned both 
the glasses, which, coming in rude contact with each other, 
were dashed into a hundred pieces. 

"Oh! the brute!" exclaimed the Duchess, raising her 
hand at the same moment, with the evident intention of admi- 
nistering summary chastisement on the offending quadruped. 

" For heaven's sake I" shouted the terrified Miss Fidget, 
seizing her Grace's up-raised arm, — " What is your Grace 
going to do?" 

" Going to do !" returned the Duchess, who felt the in- 
fluence of the drink she had taken warming her spirit, and 
who deplored that even a small quantity of the much-loved 
liquor should be wasted ;." why to punish the nasty brute 
for what he has done, certainly." 

Such language applied to her dear Carlo, was more than 
the delicate nerves of the excited Miss Fidget could bear ; 
and, without further preface than a loud shriek of anguish, 
she went off into strong hysterics. 

s 5 



39-i THE RAMBLES OF 

Carlo, the ungrateful Carlo, whose ill-mannerly conduct 
had been the cause of the distressing scene, unmindful both 
of the sympathy which his mistress had displayed towards 
him, and the lamentable condition in which she now lay, con- 
tinued to stand quite unconcerned amidst the ruins he had 
made, and ever and anon applied his tongue to the united 
streams of the brandy-and-water and port-wine negus. 

The alarming shriek which had issued from Miss Fidget's 
lips was heard to a considerable extent in the gardens, and 
crowds of either sex rushed to the secluded grotto from 
whence the sounds had proceeded. 

Among several others who pushed forward to render as- 
sistance to the unfortunate lady, were two individuals who 
rendered themselves particularly conspicuous by the extraor- 
dinary sympathy they displayed, and the activity with which- 
they lent their aid. One of these was a female of the most 
dashing exterior ; the other a dandified mustachioed person 
of the opposite gender. The lady bent over Miss Fidget 
with sisterly solicitude, and almost drowned her with cold 
ablutions, which fell from between her beautiful ringed fin- 
gers, as if proceeding from a spacious shower bath. As, 
however, Miss Fidget did not feel disposed to " come to" too 
easily, the lady chafed the palms of her hands, and loosened 
some of her garments, which appeared, in her judgment, too 
confined for her difficult respiration. 

After the lapse of some ten or twenty minutes, a profound 
sigh from the heaving bosom of the still unconscious lady, 
gave notice of her return to life. The announcement was 
listened to with evident attention by the officious lady ; who, 
as it would seem, scorned the thought of being thanked for 
doing a kind action ; she, therefore, resigned Miss Fidget to 
the arms of the Duchess ; and, pressing through the sur- 
rounding crowd, vanished from view. 

The compassion which had swayed the breasts of the by- 
standers so long as Miss Fidget continued in her state of 
stupor, was succeeded by very different feelings as she opened 
her eyes, and enquired with the first breath she drew fairly, 
for her dear Carlo. Her face exhibited so ludicrous a spec- 
tacle, as to set at defiance the most morbid-souled being 
present, to maintain any thing like gravity. The beautiful 
tints which had, a short time previously, given to her coun- 
tenance the appearance of a Peri's youth and beauty, had by 
the unceremonious application of lavender water, hartshorn, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 395 

and various other reviving liquids, been partially washed 
away, leaving only such grotesque streaks as the once cele- 
brated Joey Grimaldi never had the art to lay upon his 
strangely metamorphosed physiognomy. Her head-dress 
had also been deranged to such an extent, that the beautiful 
auburn ringlets which had depended, with grace and regu- 
larity, down her lily and coral-coloured cheeks, were entirely 
displaced, and the grey and scanty covering which grew 
upon her cranium, most annoyingly obtruded itself before 
the eyes of the spectators. 

The Duchess, as well she might, felt unutterable things, 
and would rather have given the weight of Carlo in golden 
coin, than have been placed in the unpleasant circumstances 
in which she found herself. It is true, that on many pre- 
vious occasions she had been gazed upon by thousands of 
persons, while some unfortunate had fainted in her arms ; 
but then it was only the mimicking of the thing, while this 
was reality— and then, too, she was only a player — and now 
she was a Duchess ! 

"Where is my dear Carlo ?" enquired Miss Fidget, as soon 
as her tongue could be put in motion. 

" Don't disturb yourself, my dear Miss Fidget," whispered 
her Grace, "he is safe enough, I make no doubt." 

" Safe enough \" reiterated the lady ; "but where is the 
dear creature ?" 

" Who does the old lady want ?" asked a young wag who 
heard her enquiry. 

"Who?" echoed his companion, " why, her chaperoni, to 
be sure, — where the devil can the fellow have gone ? — it is 
devilish rude to leave an old woman in such a mess ; — if she 
was a score or two younger I should feel inclined to take his 
place ; but as it is, — why, Hooky Walker is my name." 

Miss Fidget's ears received the ungrateful sounds ; and, if 
the glance of her eye could have performed the action which 
poets say ladies' eyes sometimes do, — shoot out fire !— the 
base maligner of her youth and beauty would, without bene- 
fit of clergy, have been destroyed ; — but her look, although 
fierce as an untamed tiger's, was perfectly harmless : and 
hence — 

'* The heartless mockers at a lady's age, 

Whom whips and scourges, minister'd by rage, 
Might, without pity, round the world chastise 
Before the gaze of men's approving eyes," 

were suffered to escape without loss of life or limb. 



396 THE RAMBLES OP 

Anxious to escape the annoyance to which she was ex- 
posed by senseless and unfeeling curiosity, in the grotto, the 
Duchess proposed an adjournment to the Hotel connected 
with the gardens, to which proposition Miss Fidget, without 
a syllable of opposition, assented ; and, with a little assist- 
ance, she was soon domiciled in that splendid establishment. 

During the whole of this time, Miss Georgiana and Clau- 
dius continued absent ; and, had the Duchess and her friend 
been aware of the cause of their long delay, of whatever other 
feelings they might have been the subjects, surprise at least 
would not have possessed them. 

The day was one of those soft subduing ones, such as even 
in our almost constantly variable clime is sometimes known, 
which throws a spell over the spirits ; and, before the victim 
of soft passion is aware, renders him half a voluptuary in 
feeling. The young blood of our hero and heroine mounted 
rapidly under the influence of animal magnetism. The place 
in which they sauntered, as well as the character of the day, 
seemed under the special auspices of Venus, or some of her 
busy satellites. 

Quite unconscious that the Duchess and Miss Fidget had 
left the path in which they continued to lounge, Georgiana 
moved on, with Claudius close behind her. A sudden strange 
palpitation on her left side, which spread an unusual tremor 
over her whole frame, was suddenly experienced by the lovely 
girl. 

" And yet, in truth, it was a pain, 
So mystically pleasing, 
That, like the maid who wished again 

For Hero's frown' d-at teasing. 
She rather would have weep'd about it, 
Than lived a single hour without it;" 

" What can this mean ?" she enquired of herself, and the 
response was, " What can this mean ?" 

Her snow-white kerchief dropped unconsciously from her 
hand, and on she passed. The converse she had held with 
Claudius had so engaged her, that she was lost to every thing 
beside. Our hero perceived the scented cambric — he eagerly 
caught it from its low condition, and hasted to return it to 
his mistress. 

Whether there was any thing unusually polite in his man- 
ner on the occasion, or whether his eye looked brighter, or 
the tones of his voice were softer, as he said, with a gentle 
inclination of the body, — " Your handkerchief, Miss ;" the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 397 

young lady herself has never reported ; — she felt, however, 
as if his voice, his eye, and his manner, were all different from 
any former time. 

u Thank you, Claudius," she said, as she received the pre- 
sented heautifully embroidered property ; "lam very much 
obliged to you, — did I drop it V 

" You did, Miss," returned Claudius, and again appeared 
inclined to drop behind ; but Miss Georgiana did not appear 
inclined to allow him to do so. 

" Claudius," said the young lady, in tones of soul-subdu- 
ing cadence, and stopped. 

" Yes, Miss," returned our hero, bowing gracefully. 

" Pray, Claudius, will you oblige me ?" enquired Geor- 
giana, in trembling accents, " by, — that is, — will you be so 
kind as to tell me if you can keep a secret ?" 

" If, Miss, it is to serve you," said Claudius, " I feel 
assured you may trust me, whatever its character may be ; 
and no one shall, without your permission, be the wiser for 
it." 

" Oh, you are very, very kind, Claudius !" rejoined Geor- 
giana, — <( indeed you are, and I don't know how I shall make 
you such a return as it deserves." 

" I fear, Miss Georgiana," returned Claudius, " your kind- 
ness overrates my merits ; — I am sure there is not any thing 
in my power that I should not feel most happy to do to serve 
you ; .while your approval of my doings would be an ample 
recompense for the service I might render." 

With a look which none but aJStoic thrice baptized in ascetic 
inanity, could have withstood, and in a tone which a deaf 
man only could have been indifferent to, Georgiana gazed on 
Claudius and replied : — " Oh, Claudius ! dear Claudius ! I 
cannot help thinking, and I have done so a long time, what 
a pity it is that you were not born a gentleman ; but if you 
had been, 1 perhaps should never have seen you ; and then I 
should have lost the pleasure which I have often felt while 
conversing with you. Do you feel quite comfortable in your 
present situation ? if not, let me know, and all J can do to 
render you happy I shall feel a pleasure in doing ; — indeed, to 
serve you, will be serving myself." 

" In my situation, Miss," returned Claudius, " I could not 
be otherwise than happy so long as I have the honour of 
serving you." 

" Indeed, Claudius 1" said Georgiana, trembling with emo- 



398 THE RAMBLES OF 

tion, — " what do you mean ?" she continued eagerly, — <f Do 
tell me," and forgetting time, place, and circumstances, — she 
unconsciously laid hold of his hand, and, with her taper fin- 
gers, gently pressed it. 

" I only mean, Miss/' answered Claudius, " that you are 
so very kind and good-natured, that it is a pleasure to attend 
to any order you issue." 

" Is that all now, dear Claudius ?" asked Georgiana, — 
" Are you quite sure, that is all ? — Did you never feel the 
same pleasure in seeing any other person?" 

" Oh, never, — never, I assure you, Miss," returned Clau- 
dius ; — " Indeed, I never did serve any one before that I cared 
about serving. — Oh, yes ; there was one," continued our 
hero, and a sigh escaped him. 

" There was one," cried Georgiana, and her face changed 
from a beautiful, luscious carmine glow, to a deep death- 
like paleness ; — " There was one ! — when, dear Claudius, — 
who was she ?" 

There was a hurriedness in the young lady's tone and ac 
tion that really alarmed Claudius ; and, although he was far 
from a novice in certain matters relating to the passions, yet 
he scarcely dared venture to give such an interpretation of 
the present incident as circumstances seemed to warrant. 

" Bless me ! Miss Georgiana,' 5 exclaimed Claudius, with 
real alarm, as he looked on her face, " you are not well 1 
allow me to lead you to yonder seat — you are, perhaps, 
fatigued, Miss, and a little rest will recruit your strength." 

So saying, and without any opposition on the part of the 
lady, Claudius conducted his kind mistress to the place re- 
ferred to. It was a beautiful alcove, so thickly covered by 
the matted tendrils of various vines, as effectually to exclude 
the strong rays of the sun, which now glowed in all the power 
of meridian glory ; while a soft breeze gently moved the 
leaves of the flowering shrubs which grew in rich luxuriance 
all around, rendering it such a spoo as a romance writer 
would have fixed upon for the retreat of a sighing woe-begone 
lady-love and gallant knight ; or, as the fit abode for a peni- 
tent hermit, or rigid anchorite. 

Scarcely had she taken her seat, while Claudius stood be- 
fore her as if to receive her commands, than she resumed the 
subject, and enquired, — " Who was she, Claudius ? — do tell 
me ; that is, if you can ; — I mean the person you referred to 
just now, — how long since was it ?*' 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 399 

" Allow me to fetch you some refreshment, Miss," said 
Claudius, perceiving that the paleness of Georgiana's cheek 
was increased rather than diminished. 

" Thank you, Claudius/' returned the lady, " but I do not 
require any ; — can you oblige me by replying to my ques« 
tion?" 

" It was my mother !" replied Claudius, and a sigh once 
more escaped him. 

" Your mother, dear Claudius!" exclaimed Georgiana, and 
the mounting rose of health began instantly to enliven her 
cheek, and her eyes assumed their wonted calm brilliancy, — 
(i Your mother, was it ; and no one else r — Haven't you some- 
times, now, felt pleasure in serving other ladies ?" 

" I always feel pleasure in doing what I can for any one, 
Miss," replied Claudius ; " but I never feel so much pleasure 
as in serving you." 

" Oh, Claudius 1" sighed the ingenuous Georgiana, " you 
have made me so happy by your statement, that I almost 
fancy I could love you for it, — that is — I feel so much inte- 
rested in your welfare that, — you understand me, Claudius, 
— any thing I can do to serve you, I shall feel most happy to 
attend to." 

Another look accompanied this declaration, which carried 
away even Claudius from the distant reserve he had hitherto 
maintained ; and which it now became fully evident Geor- 
giana felt anxious should be dispensed with. 

While timidity is the natural result and almost constant 
associate of love, there are, nevertheless, moments when 
boldness throws off all restraint, and displays the strength of 
the affections in a way which the most daring could not at 
other times exhibit. This mysterious and perhaps indefin- 
able operation of the passions was now experienced by 
Claudius. The tones of Georgiana's voice— the beamings of 
her luscious eye — the character of the questions she had pro- 
posed, — all appeared to unite to produce the effect referred to. 

■" You have asked me, Miss Georgiana," said our hero, as 
he leaned over the seat on which she reclined, — " You have 
asked me if I could keep a secret — I have assured you I can, 
and will keep any you may honour me with the keeping of; 
— may I now be permitted to respond the question ?" 

"To be sure you may, dear Claudius," returned Geor- 
giana ; — " ask me any question you may think it proper to 
propose, and I will be as candid as yourself." 



400 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Well, then," continued Claudius, " will you be offended 
if I ask — can you keep a secret?" 

" Angry !" replied Georgiana, — " No, indeed, I will not ; 
but what secret do you wish I should keep, and from whom ?" 
she enquired, eagerly ; at the same time encouraging Clau- 
dius by a smile of assurance, which incredulity itself might 
have believed. 

" The secret/* said Claudius, " is an important one, and I 
wish you to keep it from every one." 

" Well, then, I promise you/' returned Georgiana, " I will 
keep it — any thing for you I will cheerfully undertake to 
perform." 

Claudius bowed his head gently towards Miss Georgiana' s 
ear, and seizing, tremulously, one of her fairy hands, he put 
his lips to her's, and then, throwing himself before her on 
one knee, exclaimed : — " Can you keep the secret, dear Geor- 
giana, that I love you, — dearly love you ?" 

The hand which Claudius had taken remained still in his, 
— a slight pressure was returned like a gentle vibration from 
a fine-toned and skilfully touched instrument — a rich glow of 
rose-like tinting mantled the maiden's cheeks — while the in- 
dex of her soul's high feelings spoke unutterable things. In 
accents which told how sincere her declarations were, she re- 
plied, — " I will, Claudius, — indeed, I will keep your secret ; 
be equally careful you don't betray mine. But rise," she con- 
tinued ; " dear Claudius, rise; if any one should discover you 
in such a position, we should have both our secrets at once 
betrayed." 

Claudius obeyed his mistress's bidding, and once again 
pressed the unobjecting lips of Georgiana. 

" Oh ! how unfortunate it is," said Georgiana, " that I 
cannot, as I am 1 sure I gladly would, receive that support 
from you which I now feel I need; but alas ! I dare not." 

" That may hereafter be," returned Claudius, " and with- 
out fear or shame. I now, dear Georgiana, feel for the first 
time, ashamed of my garb and station ; — but I shall not 
always wear the one, or fill the other." 

"What do you mean?" enquired Georgiana, eagerly; 
" surely you do not intend to leave us — do you ?" 

" Oh no, — no, indeed, I do not," replied Claudius ; — 
" never, never ; — but I am not what I seem to be — hereafter 
you will know more — will know all, — at present I cannot ex- 
plain even what I would." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 401 

"Ah!" said Georgiana, starting, — " Not what you seem 
to be!— What?' 5 

" Nay, clear Georgiana," interrupted Claudius, in a style 
of eloquent persuasion which his young mistress could not 
resist, " press me no further now ;— but will not your 
absence excite alarm/' he continued, " and, perhaps, sus- 
picion ?" 

" True, — true, Claudius," returned Georgiana, starting up, 
" I had forgotten that. Bless me ! what can have become of 
her Grace and Miss Fidget ? — we must seek them instantly." 
So saying, she stepped forwards, and Claudius falling once 
more into his serving station, followed. 

The Duchess and Miss Fidget, as we have seen, had 
reached the Hotel ; where, after the lapse of a few minutes, 
— during which time the fury of the excited lady had consi- 
derably passed away, — the first discovery she made was that 
she had lost, from the forefinger of her left hand, a diamond 
ring of great value ; and in the next moment she ascertained 
that her purse, containing sundry gold pieces, and certain 
" promises" to pay from the Bank of England, to a handsome 
amount, had departed from her reticule. But these losses, 
heavily as they were felt by the lady, were as completely for- 
gotten as if with the feelings of a sage philosopher she had 
received the Bard of Avon's well-known lines : — 

" Who steals ray purse, steals trash — 'tis something, nothing; 
'Twas mine, "'tis his, and has been slave to thousands." 

But it was not so : oh no, she valued the trash, but another 
valued thing out- valued it. 

Great and small are what mathematicians call comparative 
terms ; and, however great a loss may be in itself, some- 
thing still greater by estimation, or fictitious value, may be 
lost, making that which before was considered great, almost 
despicable : so it was now, for Miss Fidget discovered that 
her Carlo, her dear, dear Carlo, had, — as she believed, — been 
most feloniously and inhumanly torn from her fond embrace ! 

The wailings and lamentations of a large company, com- 
posed of either sex, from the Emerald Isle, at a wake, is a 
sufficiently dolorous and hipping affair ; but their fiend-like 
howlings and demoniacal expressions of grief might be con- 
sidered, by a lover of the fine arts, as the music of the spheres 
compared with the wild and unearthly expressions of sorrow 



402 THE RAMBLES OF 

which Miss Fidget gave utterance to, as she called, but called 
in vain, for her dear, her sweet, her precious Carlo ! 

In the midst of this delectable scene, Miss Georgiana pre- 
sented herself before the astonished Duchess. A few words 
explained, so far as Miss Georgiana thought necessary, the 
cause of her absence ; and then the occasion of the distress 
which at present existed, was naturally enquired into. 

" Oh ! my dear Georgiana !" exclaimed the broken-hearted 
Miss Fidget, wringing her hands in agony, (i I have lost my 
dear Carlo I" 

"Lost Carlo !" returned Georgiana ; — " Why, you haven't, 
surely, done any thing of the kind ?" 

" It is true, I assure you, my dear," observed the Duchess, 
who was solacing herself from a bumper of her favourite be- 
verage, — " Poor Carlo has made his exit ; but how, or where, 
we can't say ; he has finished his part, that appears certain," 
and she briefly touched upon the delicious scene in the grotto. 

" Well, now, is that all ?" enquired Georgiana, with a most 
provokingly unfeeling look and tone, addressing Miss Fidget; 
"now do, pray, dry your eyes, my dear Miss." 

" Is that all !" re-echoed the lady, looking at Georgiana as 
if she had been gazing upon some fearful abortion of nature; 
" What more could I lose ?" enquired the lady. 

" Ha ! ha ! ha I" laughed Georgiana, with all the causti- 
city of biting malice ; — " Will you promise me, now," she 
enquired, in a graver tone, " to be my true and sincere friend 
from this day forward— helping me out of all kind of scrapes 
into which I may chance to fall, and assisting me from every 
difficulty by which I may be surrounded, if I find Carlo for 
you ?" 

" Oh yes, — yes, my dear Georgiana, I will be any thing, 
do any thing, promise every thing," said Miss Fidget, " on 
such condition." 

" Well, then, Claudius has got him safe enough," re- 
turned Georgiana. 

" Where, — where is he ?" shouted the anxious lady ;— 
" Oh ! let me press the dear creature to my heart !" 

" W T hich do you mean?" asked Georgiana, half jestingly, 
half jealously. 

" Why, dear Carlo, certainly," replied Miss Fidget. 

" Oh, that you shall do directly," said Georgiana; and 
ringing the bell, Claudius entered with Carlo in his arms. 

The moment Miss Fidget saw him, she rushed towards her 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 403 

bosom friend, and enfolded the unconcerned and unthankful 
canine favourite in her arms ; and, lavishing a host of kisses 
and a long string of tender epithets upon him, in one mo- 
ment forgot as entirely all her grief, as if she had only been 
mourning for having become a widow, as another suitor made 
his appearance. 

Now, for the information of 'the reader, it is necessary to 
state, that the lady who had, in so very active a manner, ren- 
dered her important assistance to Miss Fidget in the grotto, 
had paid a visit to Bath, purposely with the intention of 
paying,— as opportunity might offer, — her respects to the 
superfluous ornaments or cash of some of the many who, like 
herself, were visiting there ; but who, unlike herself, had more 
money than wits. The mustachioed dandified gentleman was 
her friend, or her livery -servant, or the Count her husband, 
or her dear brother, as occasion might require. 

Now, as no situation is better adapted for the display of 
the mystery of the black art, — which such " respectables" 
are ever ready to exhibit, — than a crowd, whether gathered 
by accident, or assembled by an affray, — the parties in ques- 
tion attended with alacrity to the call of Miss Fidget; and rush- 
ing, with many others, to the spot, the lady beheld with pity 
the fainting fair one, and hasted to her aid. The blazing ring 
upon her finger caught her keen eye in a moment ; and, as 
it might, perchance, prevent the circulation of the blood in 
that part of her system, she managed with peculiar dexterity 
to unhoop Miss Fidget's finger, while chafing her hands, 
and with equal skill succeeded in transporting the purse from 
Miss Fidgets reticule into her own. How she left has been 
explained ; for to remain to receive the acknowledgments of 
those whom she assisted, was a thing she never made a prac- 
tice of doing. 

The gentleman, who on this occasion was " the Count her 
husband/' took a particular fancy to Carlo ; and, as he ap- 
peared unnoticed by any one, and might, if so left, be injured, 
he considerately and carefully placed him beneath his mack- 
intosh, and marched off with his countess. 

The scene we have narrated, between Georgiana and Clau- 
dius, had just terminated, and the happy pair had nearly 
reached the head of the avenue, when they abruptly encoun- 
tered the Count and his lady, who were walking to the tune 
of " Fly swift as Lightning," to the grand point of egress 
from the gardens. At this very moment Carlo popped his 



404 THE RAMBLES OP 

head from beneath the mustachioed gentleman's mackintosh, 
and was, at the first glance, recognised by Claudius ; who im- 
mediately called out, " Carlo, Carlo ;" when the sagacious 
brute, uttering a yelp of recognition on his part, leaped from 
the arms of his new protector and ran to our hero. 

Either the Count had not time to stay, or judged it more 
consistent with the dignity of his character not to do so; and, 
therefore, while Claudius was engaged in raising Carlo from 
the ground, and presenting him to Georgiana, the fashionable 
pair made their exit. A little enquiry on the part of Clau- 
dius led to the discovery of the ladies in the Hotel, and the 
restoration of the stupid poodle to his doting and disconso- 
late mistress followed. 

If the whole party did not feel agreeably gratified with the 
results of their morning's walk, each felt it time to wend their 
way towards home for dinner ; and, without one objecting 
voice, they accordingly returned to York Buildings ; a mu- 
tual understanding having taken place that the several secrets 
which they possessed, should be studiously preserved from 
every other person. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

" Ah ! I remember well the man ; 
As well as any thing I can; — 
His looks, attire, and bon-ton grace, 
With every pimple on his face. 
His splendid snuff-box, cane, and capers; 
His parchment rolls, and rolls of papers : 
But better than his looks, <*ait, clothes, 
I recollect his bottle nose." 

" 'Pon my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, as the la- 
dies retired after dinner, " I think it is almost time, Dash- 
wood, that we paid our promised visit ; — your nose looks par- 
ticularly well again, and my foot is as sound as ever. What 
say you, — shall we stroll there to-day — eh ? Ton my honour 
I think, after our long confinement, it would be superlatively 
beneficial. " 

Little as Dashwood regarded common opinion, or the com- 
ments which the herd, as he called the community at large, 
might please to make upon any part of his conduct, still, for 
reasons of a private nature, he appeared on the present occa- 



CAPTAIN' EOLIO. 405 

biob to feel no disposition to let Dr. Titheum into the secret 
of his masquerade amour ; and, therefore, without replying to 
Sir Marmaduke's question, he simply gave him a significant 
wink across the table, as he tossed off his glass. 

The doctor had been so busily engaged in swallowing the 
grape juice, as not to be able to perceive so diminutive an ac- 
tion as a wink ; but the accompanying one, that of tossing off 
the wine, he twigged instantly ; and, as naturally as a com- 
pany of soldiers follow the motions of a fugleman, his reve- 
rence imitated Dashwood by again emptying his own glass. 
Having so done, he observed as he re-filled, — " The ladies 
appear fatigued with their morning's ramble ; and as you, 
gentlemen, think of walking, and I have no particular wish 
to sit alone, I think I shall take a stroll myself, and take a 
few notes of the conduct of the people of this city. At what 
hour in the evening will you join me in a hand at Whist ?" 

"Why really, doctor," returned Dashwood, " that is not 
quite easy to determine : we have a call to make which, cer- 
tainly, is of no particular importance ; but still, we may be 
detained longer than we at present anticipate. I should sup- 
pose we shall return bv eleven, — what sav you, Sir Marma- 
duke ?" 

" By eleven !" exclaimed the Knight, " 5 Pon my honour ! 
have you forgotten Miss Fidget ? I am as thoughtless a fel- 
low on those points as need be; but you appear to surpass 
me in this splendid accomplishment, for a man of ragged for- 
tunes, in an almost infinite degree — 'pon my honour." 

" Well, I must plead guilty to the charge, my dear Sir 
Marmaduke," returned his lordship ; " but your memory 
will become less tenacious on these points, as you feel the 
shackles of matrimony press upon you. I am a married man 
you know, and I know ; and, therefore, every excuse can be 
made for me on that head. If I were laying my bait for a 
splendid fortune, as — but mum— why, without doubt, I 
should be as attentive and as thoughtful, and as every thing 
else, as other people; — but, marriage, — oh, that's a con- 
founded change-making thing — 'tis, Sir Marmaduke, I as- 
sure you ; very convenient at certain times, but devilishly 
awkward at others." 

u Oh. true, — true, 'pon my honour," returned Sir Marma- 
duke ; fl I fancy that circumstances make a slight difference, 
— I do, 'pon my honour ; — is it not quite natural it should 
do so, docfar< p " 



406 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Oh, quite so," replied the divine, "quite so — (hiccup) — 
but at the same time, allow me to say, not quite correct — 
(hiccup) — a little attention should be paid after — (hiccup) — 
confound the wind, I must wash it down;" so saying, he 
drank his glass,— -"As I was observing, a little attention 
should be paid after as well as before marriage. I don't 
mean to insinuate — (hiccup) — that a gentleman is not to en- 
joy himself with a friend ; or that he is always to have his 
lady — (hiccup) — hanging on his arm, — no, no; that would be 
to invert the order of nature, and to pervert the very design 
and institution of marriage ; which, as I hold it, was for man's 
comfort ; — but still I maintain that — that — pshaw ! what was 
I saying ? — oh ; I maintain — that wine, if taken in proper 
proportions, is conducive to health and comfort ; and, there- 
fore, — (hiccup) — n 

'•'We were attending to your dissertation on matrimony, 
doctor/' observed Dasliwood ; "however, I approve most 
heartily of your digression; it is the way that most of our 
present celebrated orators proceed in their arguments ; and r 
tells well, it confounds the listeners, and applause follows : 
for the multitude always applaud that most which they un- 
derstand least." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha \ n roared the doctor, good-humouredly ; 
M I like your wit, Dasliwood ; that's what I call genuine 
'Attic' — (hiccup). — Matrimony was the subject, — was it? 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Well, I was marrying wine at the time, arid we 
generally love to talk of that we love ; — but a truce to jest- 
ing — I'll nil to the brim for a special occasion, and go back 
to matrimony.'' 

As the doctor said, so he did; and, to say the truth, he 
did more than he said, for he overrun the brim, to the per- 
fect saturation, — if not complete spoliation, — of the splendid 
table-cover ; and then, taking the overflowing glass in his 
hand, he drank, — as the liquor ran down his finger into his 
coat-sleeve, — " Here's a speedy termination to your courting 
engagement, Sir Marmaduke ; and after matrimony has been 
committed — (hiccup), — with your permission I'll furnish you 
with a lecture on sundry points connected with your conduct 
as a married man." 

Sir Marmaduke made a profound bow to the doctor, and 
offered a suitable reply to his philanthropic wish and ghostly 
offer; and then, after himself and Dasliwood had taken a few 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 40/ 

more glasses of wine, they sallied forth, leaving the doctor to 
enjoy himself with his pipe and bottle. 

So long as his reverence had company, he found sufficient 
employment in conversation, and occasionally blowing a 
cloud, and swallowing a glass of wine ; but when left alone, 
he was obliged to resort to other engagements to preserve 
himself from the misery of ennui; and as none were more 
convenient or more welcome than the bottle, he applied to it, 
and continued so actively to pay his devoirs to it, that he soon 
became unsteady in his seat ; while his tongue, had he at- 
tempted to use it, would most certainly, and most abomi- 
nably, have marred the king's English. 

The doctor's large proboscis glowed like the celebrated 
Alexandrine Pharos of old ; or, to adopt the every-day lan- 
guage of the multitude, his bottle nose was as red as a capsi- 
cum ; while the large pimples, which plentifully bestudded his 
cheeks, appeared like so many beautiful garnets of more than 
ordinary brilliancy. 

Thus equipped for the occasion, he proceeded to leave the 
York, for the purpose of taking notes of the conduct of the 
people of Bath. Having reached the door of the Hotel with- 
out any other injury than a slip down two or three stairs 
upon his hinder parts was calculated to occasion, the doctor 
appeared likely to suffer a lengthy detention, — not from John 
Doe, or Richard Roe, however, or any of that annoying and 
uncivil fraternity; but from a singular controversy which 
arose in his own mind as to whether he should turn right or 
left; or if the straight-forward line should be proceeded in 
or any other direction should be selected by him. 

How long the opposition of his fancy might have been 
maintained against his wishes to proceed, is impossible to de- 
termine, if a circumstance had not occurred which at once 
settled the contested point. 

Greatly as the tithe-extorting system had hardened the 
heart and vitiated the best feelings of the doctor, rendering 
him a very Caligula in spirit compared with what he would 
otherwise have been, still there were periods and occasions 
when the natural urbanity of his heart broke from the 
shackles which a degrading system had forged ; and he ap- 
peared, on such occasions, a truly worthy personage ; for then 
it was that he became a species of prototype of the charming 
Rector whom Goldsmith drew, who. 

" Pointed to brighter vrorids, and led the vray." 



408 THE RAMBLES OF 

This chanced to be one of those rational intervals of the 
doctor's, when the cormorant cravings of the hireling priest 
fell before the better feelings of the man ; and now an object, 
which called into full play the exercise of his sympathies, 
stood before his vision. 

An interesting-looking young female, whose face still bore 
the evidences of having once been handsome, — although now 
sadly changed, — appeared at a short distance from the spot 
where the doctor stood. In her arms she carried an infant, 
apparently a few months old ; while at her side hung another, 
not much more than twelve months its senior. The coun- 
tenances of each of the children, as well as their mother's, 
afforded too much proof that want, if not ill-treatment, had 
been endured by them. The poor woman's clothes* which 
had once been good, were now few and wretched, — " the 
shreds and patches of their former selves," — while the little 
one by her side had scarcely a shoe to cover its feet, or a 
whole garment upon its partially exposed body.- 

" Well, my good woman," said the doctor, as she ap- 
proached him, with the evident intention of passing on, 
** where are you hurrying so fast ?" 

" I am going after my husband, Sir," replied the female, 
in a tone and manner which declared she had seen better 
days. 

" Would it not be better for you to remain at home," 
asked the doctor, " and make yourself and children comfort- 
able?"' 

"Make them comfortable, Sir!" returned the female, and 
tears coursed down her cheeks as she gazed upon each ; — 
" They might have been so, Sir," she added, " if their 
father had loved them as I do." 

" Is it possible," asked the doctor, " that their father can 
do other than love them? — I am sure they are very pretty." 

" If he did love them, Sir," she replied, " he would not 
spend every farthing he obtains in drink, and leave us desti- 
tute of every thing at home." 

"And can he possibly do so?" enquired the doctor. 

" He can,—- he does, Sir," rejoined the weeping mother. 

" I hate drunkards," observed the doctor, hiccuping rather 
more freely than a perfectly sober man might be supposed to 
do ; " and especially I detest such as foolishly waste their 
property to the injury of their families ; — if he were a gentle- 
man now, and could afford it, why — then — (hiccup; — it would 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 409 

be pardonable ; but — (niccup) — how long did you say you had 
been married ?" 

" I have been married nearly two years, Sir," replied the 
woman. 

" And what profession or calling, pray, is your husband ?" 
asked the divine. 

" He is a carpenter, Sir," replied the female. 

" And is he in work ?" enquired his reverence. 

" He was, Sir, while he kept sober ; for he is an excellent 
workman," rejoined the woman, " and can then earn suffi- 
cient to keep us all comfortable, — at least he once did so, — 
but, Sir, he has so addicted himself to drinking lately, that he 
has been turned out of his employ ; or if he obtains any work 
by chance, he is never sober until he has spent his last six- 
pence." 

** Have you ever reasoned mildly and good-temperedly 
with him," enquired the doctor, " and endeavoured to show 
him how wrong he is acting — eh?" 

" Yes, Sir, I have done so until he will hear me no longer," 
replied the female. 

"And what apology does he offer for his conduct ?" inter- 
rogated the doctor. 

" Why, Sir, he says his betters do the same thing," replied 
the woman ; " and therefore, he says, he has a right to do so 
too. I know, Sir, the excuse is a foolish one; but then, Sir, 
you know all drunkards make fools of themselves." 

"True, true/' rejoined the doctor, with a hard hiccup. 
" Your's is a very distressing case," he added, without dis- 
playing any anxiety to pursue the subject further. — " I pity 
you/' he said, shaking his head w T ith great gravity ; " and if 
he was in my jurisdiction, I'm not in the Q commission of the 
peace' if I would not visit his transgressions with such pun- 
ishment as the law adjudges the righteous award of such cha- 
racters. There,'* continued his reverence, as he drew his 
purse-string, — " There is something for you. — Go home, 
now ,• and, as Shakspeare says, 

M Buy some food, and get thee into flesh." 

The poor woman burst into tears as she received the few 
shillings, which in her destitute circumstances appeared a for- 
tune to her ; and dropping a low curtsy as she turned away, 
with the intention of acting upon the doctor's recommenda- 



410 THE RAMBLES OF 

tion, she exclaimed with a pathos which must have made 
even the doctor's heart leap, — " Heaven's blessing rest upon 
you for your bounty, kind Sir !" 

The thought suddenly entered the head of the divine, that 
perhaps he might be able to render some service to the poor 
woman's husband, and he therefore called her back. — " Stay 
a moment, my good woman," he said ; — " Did you not tell 
me you were going in pursuit of your husband }** 

"Yes, Sir/' she replied; "I was going to endeavour to 
persuade him to return home." 

" Then you know where to find him?" observed the doctor. 

" I have no doubt, Sir, but he is where all his days and 
nights are spent when he has any money," returned the 
woman. 

" And where is that ?" asked his reverence. 

" At that house yonder, in Oxford Row," said the sorrow- 
ing wife, pointing in the direction to which she referred. 

" Very well," said the doctor, — "very well : now go home 
and make yourself and dear children comfortable ; and when 
your husband may return, don't scold, — that is not the way 
to win him — be kind — be affectionate. The kindness and 
affection of a woman's heart will win the most refractory hus- 
band, if properly employed ; while ill-temper and passion 
may ruin the kindest and best. Go and be wise." 

Once more the grateful woman dropped a curtsy, and 
prayed for a blessing upon his reverence ; and in a few mo- 
ments was, with her children, out of sight. 

" So," said the doctor, " I'll see if I can't produce some- 
thing like reformation in this place— (hiccup). — I feel sur- 
prised the magistracy here do not exercise their delegated 
authority to cause the lower orders among the people to de- 
sist from their drinking propensities — (hiccups). Drunken- 
ness is a villanous and destructive vice ; — moreover, it is an 
offence against the state ; it therefore should be put a stop to 
amongst the lower orders. Gentlemen have a license to do 
what those beneath them should not think of ; although, by 
the bye, I would punish every one who drank to intoxi- 
cation." 

As the doctor thus sagely soliloquized, he proceeded up the 
street in the direction the woman had pointed out, hiccuping 
as he went. As, however, he had neglected to enquire both 
for the name of the house and of the individual whom he had 
purposed in his own mind to cure, he felt himself bewildered 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 411 

how to proceed : for, in the first place, more pot-houses than 
one stared him in the face, and each house had its full share 
of customers. He acknowledged to himself that he had been 
very remiss in his enquiries, and felt that the benevolent 
plan he had purposed to pursue, must, in consequence of his 
own neglect, be abandoned. 

After turning and winding, up one street and down an- 
other, until it would have been impossible for his reverence 
to have determined at what point of the compass the York 
Hotel stood from the way he was walking, his course was 
stopped by a flamingly decorated gin-palace ; which, from its 
magnitude and garnishings, attracted his special notice. 

While he stood gazing upon this species of Pandemonium, 
with feelings almost as confused as those possessed by the 
Knight of De la Mancha, when he was preparing to attack 
the windmill, — the doors were thrown open, and he perceived 
that its roomy interior was filled with a motley group of 
men, women, and children, many of whom appeared like 
walking bundles of rags, although a few might be seen who 
were decently attired. Some were reeling before a long 
counter, and spilling half the burning liquid which they at- 
tempted to raise to their lips ; while others were quarrelling 
in different parts of the drunkard's den, and several sallow- 
visaged, hollow-eyed wretches were huddled together like 
swine upon the filthy floor. 

The doors had been opened for the purpose of giving 
egress to a party which was reeling from it. Now the doc- 
tor thought he felt himself moved by the Spirit to commence 
his Quixotic career, — and, without doubt, the spirit of the 
port he had taken, had produced the effect noticed, — and, 
accordingly, striding up to the individuals referred to, 
striking, at the same time, his gold-headed cane with more 
than usual violence upon the stones (as if to announce his 
approach, and prepare the party for his reception), he opened 
the siege in the most heroic style. 

"Hem !" said the doctor, elevating his head and pushing 
forward his chest. 

" Hem — hem !" echoed a wag of the party, and wiped his 
nose with the cuff of his jacket. 

"You appear particularly merry— (hiccup)— my fine fel- 
lows," added the doctor. 

" Eh r" observed one of the party,—" Who are you ?" as 
he reeled forward, as if he intended to make a battering-ram 
t2 



412 THE RAMBLES OF 

of his head against the doctor's body; and then suddenly 
righting, like a ship brought up by a heavy sea, he placed his 
arms a-kimbo, and exclaimed, — "Oh, I see!" and then turn- 
ing to one of his companions, he added, elbowing him scien- 
tifically, — " Look here, Bill ; I'm blowed if this ain't one ot 
the fellers who eats up all our yarnings, like the caterpillars 
which the Bible tells us of, and the locusts, and them 'ere 
other things— eh? Ain't he a fine chap ?" 

This was a sort of attack which his reverence, in the 
' commission of the peace,' never thought of ; and he was, in 
consequence, taken all aback, as a sailor would have said, had 
he been placed in similar circumstances. He stood for a 
while with his eyes and mouth wide open, gazing upon the 
pot-valiant and liquor- eloquent personage before him ; and 
instead of commencing, as he had intended, the assault, and 
so playing the part of the offensive, he was obliged to change 
his position and act on the defensive. 

" Young man," observed the doctor, addressing the most 
juvenile of the party, " do you know who I am ?" 

" To be sure we do," returned the graceless wight ; " at 
least by the cut of your gib, we guesses you are a parson." 

"I am so," returned Titheum, "and I am also in the 
' commission of the peace/ " 

" Are you so ?" said another of the group ; — " Then it's a 
pity you doesn't know better not to break it, by 'costing us 
honest people in the way you did. Doesn't we yarn our 
bobs and browns by the sweat of our brow, and ain't we got 
a right to spend them as we likes— eh, old chap ? — vy, you 
never sweats a 'air from one blessed year's end to another, for 
all you gets, — and yet you does what you likes with it." 

" I had no intention to offend you," returned the doctor, 
in a somewhat milder tone than he had at first assumed ; 
"my object was to endeavour to persuade you — (hiccup) — 
to — {hiccup) — to give up drinking." 

" Oh, my eyes and limbs !" shouted another, — " Dost 
hear that, Bill ? well, that beats the feller who cautioned the 
countryman against thieves as he picked his pocket ! Give 
up drinking ! — I ain't much of a hand at the Bible, more to 
my shame ; for I read it through and through when I was at 
school ; but I thinks I can give you a text, — what say you, 
old thrums ; — vill you compound it for me — eh ?" 

" .Expound it — (hiccup)—-I suppose you mean," said the 
doctor. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 413 

u Veil, expound, or compound, or any other pound ; it s all 
the same thing," returned the fellow, — " Vill you, — what do 
you call it ?" 

" Expound," said Bill, assisting his companion's memory. 
" Aye, expound, — vill you expound it ?" continued the in- 
terrogator. 

" Certainly ; I shall be ready to — (hiccup) — inform you," 
replied the doctor. — " What is it ?" 

" Vy it is this," returned the fellow, looking most archly 
in the doctor's face, ' Fisishon, heal yourself P — Eh ? That's 
something near the mark, howsomever." 

The doctor felt the reproof ; while the companions of the 
proposer of the question set up a loud and discordant laugh, 
as they beheld the triumph of their champion. 

" Veil said, Mike !" shouted one of them ;— " That's a 
poser, at all events ; he hasn't had sich a nut to crack this 
many a day. Vy, I'm blest if you ain't completely floored 
him ; — go it again, my hearty ! — I think as how you ought 
to be made a Member of Parliament, for you'd beat a whole 
bench of bishops with your hargaments." 

Happily for the doctor, he soon regained his usual equani- 
mity of temper and feeling, and returned with renewed vigour 
to the charge. 

" I tell you, my good fellows," he observed, " you are too 
fond of the bottle — (hiccup), — and if you don't— (hiccup) — 
refrain speedily, your sun will set in darkness." 

"Well, you have one comfort, old chap," returned the 
chief speaker. " vich none of us has ; and that is, — what do 
you think it is now— eh ?" he asked abruptly, observing the 
doctor was paying particular attention to his sage obser- 
vations. 

" I can't tell," returned his reverence, " I am listening to 
learn." 

" Well, it is this," continued the fellow : — " You'll never 
want a bottle while you have a nose. 39 The ludicrous allusion 
to the doctor's full-sized and now highly coloured nasal pro- 
tuberance had the effect the speaker designed, in setting the 
whole party into another roar of laughter. — " x\nd I'll tell 
you what," continued the fellow, " notwithstanding we don't 
understand much about your larned metaphogs, yet ven our 
sun goes out, vy we shall only have to put a forsforous match 
within half a yard of your conk, and we shall have a light 
directly." 



414 THE RAMBLES OF 

" You're growing impertinent," said the doctor, his choler 
beginning to rise ; u and I'm not in the ' commission of the 
peace' if I don't make you repent it." So saying, and 
allowing his passion to get the better of his reason, he 
raised his gold-headed cane in threatening attitude, and 
seemed as if about to employ it upon the refractory sons of 
the church, in the same way as the Roman Catholic clergy 
are wont to do, in order to bring their disciples to submis- 
sion ; but the spirit of the Englishman, — or some other kind 
of spirit, — rose within the threatened party ; and one of them, 
having at the moment a rather large quid of tobacco in his 
mouth, managed, with beastly dexterity, to shoot a stream of 
its very essence i^u) the doctor's face, to the instant disfi- 
guration of his physiognomy, and the almost blinding of his 
eyes ; and then, — without further ceremony, as his reverence 
dropped his gold-headed cane, and prepared to apply his 
handkerchief to his visual organs to clear away the irritating 
filth from them,— the party seized him most rudely, and, 
bearing him to a horse-trough, were in the act of immersing 
his whole body in the dirty bath, when his cries of — " Help! 
help ! — Thieves ! — Murder I" brought unexpected and very 
seasonable aid to his rescue. 

" Halloo ! — villains !" shouted a voice at a short distance ; 
" What ! are you not contented with committing a robbery, 
but you must add murder to it, at this early hour of the 
evening ?" 

<( 'Pon my honour !" exclaimed a second voice, " this is 
particularly unpleasant ; — one may as well retire to that 
throat-cutting State, Venice, at once, as to come to this vile 
city — 'pon my honour !" 

" Here — Police ! Police !" shouted the first voice, at the 
same time advancing and laying hold of one of the fellows. 
But as, in London, you may frequently split your lungs be- 
fore one of those worthy personages can be found, when 
really wanted, — so now : not a single protector of the people, 
or guardian of the night, was within hearing. Of this, how- 
ever, the insurgents were not aware ; but, supposing a posse 
of the "Force" was coming down upon them, staff in hand, they 
dropped the struggling doctor on the stones, and knocking 
down one of the persons who had disturbed them, they took 
to their heels and fled. 

" 'Pon my honour 1" exclaimed the person who had most 
unceremoniously been overturned by a sledge-hammer kind 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 415 

of fist being placed a few inches below the region of the 
chest, — "This is beyond all endurance — 'tis barbarous, 'pon 
my honour I" 

u Whose voice is that ?" enquired the doctor, as he ma- 
naged to get upon his hands and knees ; his ears rather than 
his eyes directing him ; for they were still half-blinded by 
the tobacco juice. 

"Who the devil have we here r" exclaimed the other per- 
son, — " Why, by all that's marvellous, it is Dr. Titheum !" 

" Aye, — it is, indeed V* groaned out his reverence, — " But 
to whom am I indebted for this timely rescue ?" 

** Ha ! ha ! ha 1" burst from the lips of the first speaker ; 
" This is an adventure and no mistake." 

" 'Pon my honour," sighed his friend, " I fear I have in- 
jured my back by this unlucky fall. Who did you say r" he 
continued ; " why, 'pon my honour, yes, as I hope soon to 
enter the sublimated region of matrimony, it is indeed the 
worthy doctar." 

In a little time his reverence succeeded in partially cleansing 
his face; and then, looking up to his friends, at once recog- 
nised Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke. The pleasure of the 
doctor, as he made the discovery, exceeded all bounds ; for 
not only had he trembled least a renewal of the murderous 
attempt upon his person should be repeated, but, having lost 
all knowledge of where he was, he feared considerable difficulty 
existed to his finding, — in any thing like reasonable time, — 
his way to the Hotel. 

After a hasty but hearty greeting, the friends, locked ram 
and arm, proceeded towards the K York/' each furnishing to 
the other such information as remained in part a mystery, 
connected with their singular meeting. 

The reader is already aware, that Lord Dashwood and Sir 
Marmaduke Varney had fully purposed to pay their promised 
visit to the " Donna" and her " Duenna." For this purpose 
they left their Hotel an hour or two before, and in a short 
time after setting out, found themselves at the residence of 
the ladies, in the Royal Crescent. 

If Dashwood had been fascinated by Mrs. Leechum, when 
he beheld her in the character of " Donna Rosabella," his ad- 
miration of her person and manners, — for both, when she 
pleased, were good, — exceeded what he had before felt, as he 
gazed upon her in the quiet of a splendid drawing-room. 

Dr. Leechum received the gentlemen as the friends 



416 THE RAMBLES OF 

of Lady Bolio, and Mrs. Leechum welcomed them most 
heartily, as highly esteemed and most noble signiors. 

The moments of this visit flew with unwonted celerity, — 
at least Mrs. Leechum thought so ; and before she had en- 
tirely recovered from the perturbation into which the an- 
nouncement of Lord Dashwood had thrown her, the proposal 
was made by Sir Marmaduke to depart. Mrs. Leechum 
troubled not herself to enquire, or rather to think, if Dash- 
wood were a Benedictine or not ; nay, she almost forgot that 
she was herself really and truly married to Dr. Leechum. 

The gallantry of Lord Dashwood was excessive, and yet it 
did not appear to exceed the bounds of fashionable attention. 
The limits of these bounds, indeed, are difficult to define ; — 
and, perhaps, if examined by the critical eye of prudence, 
propriety, or even rectitude, they would be found to overstep 
exceedingly the limits of consistency ; leading, in not a few 
instances, to positive criminality. What his Lordship said 
and looked, appeared to be just what good breeding and 
lordly courtesy dictated ; and, therefore, Mrs. Leechum list- 
ened to his conversation, and returned his looks with infinite 
satisfaction to herself, to the pleasure of Dashwood, and not 
greatly to the offence of the doctor himself ;— at least, what- 
ever he felt or thought, he presumed not to say any thing. 

Before Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke left the Royal Cres- 
cent, they gave a pressing invitation, accompanied by a fervent 
hope, that they might be favoured by the ladies and Dr. 
Leechum, to dine with the ladies of their party and them- 
selves, on the following day, at the York Hotel. No very 
strong objections were urged against the proposition ; and 
with the understanding that the case was settled, the adven- 
turers were returning home elated at the success of their 
visit, when they unexpectedly encountered the doctor, as has 
been narrated, and saved him from being plunged over head 
and ears into the horse-trough. 

The arrangement which had been made was soon commu- 
nicated to the whole party, each of whom seemed gratified 
with the expected visit. 

" Now, doctor," observed the Duchess, " my wager 
quakes : if the report be correct which his Lordship has 
given, Lady Bolio is the very person for your money. I 
should not wonder if we have a double wedding now before 
we leave Bath." 

" My dear Duchess/' observed Miss Fidget, attempting to 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 417 

blush, as the eye of her Grace leered towards her, at the close 
of her observation, " Do pray think what you are saying, 
and spare my sensitive feelings." 

" I do think, my dear friend/' replied her Grace, " and 
therefore I speak. When is the happy day fixed for Sir 
Marmaduke ?" she continued, appealing to the Knight. 

" Ton my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, " your 
Grace is too severe upon us, — you are, 'pon my honour!" 

" Oh, I dare say, you are a pair of very bashful person- 
ages !" retorted the Duchess. — " Now Fll give you a toast — 
here's—" 

"Now do, pray, spare me !" exclaimed Miss Fidget. 

"And I must cry your mercy, also/' said the doctor. 

" Ton my honour," chimed in Sir Marmaduke, " we had 
better unite our forces and attack her Grace en masse, — we 
had, 'pon my honour." 

"Well, well," said the Duchess, "I'll sound a retreat 
then, and spare ye all." 

The whole evening went off with cheerfulness, — Miss Fid- 
get was more than usually easy, — Georgiana thought fondly 
of Claudius, and wished he had been a gentleman, — the 
Duchess drank her brandy-and-water, and the gentlemen 
their wine, — and, at a late hour, the party separated for the 
night. 



CHAPTER XXXI. 



" But farewell compliment, 
Dost thou love me ? I know thou wilt say « aye T 
And I shall take thy word ; — yet, if thou swear'st, 
Thou may'st prove* false : at lover's perjuries, 

They say, Jove laughs 

If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully ; 
Or, if you think I am too quickly won, 
I'll froVn and be perverse, and say thee 'nay,' 
80 thou wilt woo ; but else not for the world. 
In truth,— I am too fond." 

Juliet. 

At an earner hour than was usual with the doctor, he left his- 
chamber and descended to his sitting-room. As he ap- 
proached the door his ears were saluted by sounds from 
within, which startled him. Without giving himself time to 
t 5 



418 THE RAMBLES OF 

think on the impropriety of becoming an eves-dropper, he 
applied his ear close to the key-hole, when the sounds were 
repeated. In consequence, however, of their being low and 
indistinct, they came in such disjointed and fragmentized 
parcels, as left him at a loss to conceive what could be their 
import. 

*' Surely," he thought, " that is Georgiana' s voice ; but 
with whom can she be conversing at so early an hour, — and 
wherefore in such a low and whispering manner ?" 

Again he placed his sound-receiving organ close to the 
small aperture ; and holding his breath in till he was scarce 
able to breathe, for fear of being discovered, he caught the 
words, — " No, dear Georgiana, I assure you." 

"That is not the voice of a woman," thought the doctor; 
" Who can it be ?" 

Suddenly the thought rushed through his mind, that his 
ardent wishes in reference to Georgiana and Sir Marmaduke 
might yet be realized ; — and, as the rapid impression came, 
he experienced a rapture he could scarce contain. He hastily 
ran over in his memory the attentions which he now fancied 
he had seen the Knight pay to his daughter during the last 
' two or three days ; and allowed not a darkening question to 
blot the bright disk of the pleasing reverie. 

In the height of his ecstatic emotions, the following brief 
colloquy broke on his ear, — " I can no longer conceal the 
truth," said Georgiana, u although I feel I ought to blush 
so directly to acknowledge it, — I love you — I have long 
done so!" 

" Dearest Georgiana," returned another voice, " if I had 
dared to presume so far, I should, long since, have ventured 
to assure you of my deep and devoted attachment ; but, you 
are aware — " 

" Do not name it," interrupted Georgiana, — " I am aware, 
— painfully aware of the difficulties in which we are both 
placed ; but we must endeavour to devise some way by which 
to break down the barrier that at present exists." 

" That will, I hope, be a task of little difficulty," returned 
the other ; et but at present it cannot be done ; — insurmount- 
able difficulties, my love, lie in the way." 

" Our secret must be preserved most carefully," said 
Georgiana." 

<f By me it shall be most sacredly kept," returned the male 
voice. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 419 

" It's all right," thought the doctor, rubbing his hands in 
ecstacy ; — " It's all right, — Miss Fidget stands in the way, — 
only Miss Fidget; but that difficulty may be got over, so Sir 
Marmaduke himself thinks. They intend to keep it a secret 
from every one — ha ! ha ! ha !" he chuckled to himself. — 
" They little know how difficult it is to deceive a justice of 
the peace. Well, they shall know that I can keep a secret ; 
— I'll surprise them, and assure the lovers of my sanction — 
Sir Marmaduke shall be convinced that it will afford me more 
pleasure than I can express to call him son-in-law." 

Full of the benevolent purpose of rendering his daughter 
and Sir Marmaduke happy, as well as to have a hearty laugh 
at the slight confusion into which his presence would throw 
them, he opened the room-door and stepped in. So gently 
did he accomplish his object, and so completely absorbed 
were the lovers in each other's company, that they perceived 
not his entrance. 

He had not proceeded three paces, however, on tip-toe, 
before his progress was stopped as suddenly as if the power 
of motion had suddenly been taken from his limbs. There 
sat Georgiana on the sofa, and there too was, — not Sir Mar- 
maduke Varney, but the gentle livery-clad Master Claudius ! 
One arm of our hero entwined his young mistress's slender 
waist, while one of her beautiful hands was locked in his. 

" Dear Georgiana !" had just trembled from the lips of 
Claudius, receiving the response of " Dear Claudius !" from 
Georgiana, as their lips came in close and affectionate contact, 
and a long, fervent, burning kiss proved how much the 
youthful lovers felt, — when, almost bursting with disappoint- 
ment and rage, his reverence seized our hero ; and, tearing 
him from the fond embrace of his mistress, hurled him to a 
remote part of the room. 

" So !" exclaimed the doctor, while a saliva flowed from his 
quivering lips, in as white a foam as would have issued from 
the extended jaws of a rabid mastiff, — " So I this is very 
fine ! — very fine, indeed !" 

Claudius felt in a very awkward predicament, and looked 
as he felt ; while Georgiana, uttering a piercing shriek, fainted 
in her father's arms. 

" You artful villain !" exclaimed his reverence, presenting 
his clenched fist at Claudius, — " leave this place instantly, 
and let me never again set my eyes upon you ; or I'm not 
in the ' commission of the ueace' if I don't pound vou into a 
jelly!" 



420 THE RAMBLES OF 

Claudius felt half disposed to proclaim himself at once the 
son of Lady Bolio ; but judging it better for a short time 
longer to remain incog., he held his tongue. Still to leave 
his mistress in such a state as he now saw her, was madden- 
ing to think on even ; and, therefore, without attending to 
the kind admonition of the doctor, in order to escape being 
jellyized, he enquired, — " Will your worship allow me to fetch 
some cold water, or — r" 

" If you do not instantly obey me," thundered the doctor, 
" and leave this place, I'll make you feel the weight of my in- 
furiated displeasure." 

" But, Sir," continued Claudius, " Miss Georgiana re- 
quires some assistance." 

" Scoundrel !" roared the doctor, at the same moment lay- 
ing the insensible girl on the sofa, and seizing our hero ; — 
" Begone, I say !" and without further ceremony ejected him 
from the apartment. 

The object of his anger being removed, all the affection of 
the doctor's heart rushed towards his beloved Georgiana ; 
and as he again pressed her to his bosom, he almost forgot 
the folly of which she had been guilty. 

" My dear Georgiana," said the doctor to his daughter, as 
soon as she was sufficiently recovered, " how could you so 
greatly forget yourself as to allow your passions to wander to 
a livery servant ? — if he had been any thing else I could have 
excused it ; for, I confess, there is something about the lad 
that has pleased me, — he is shrewd, intelligent, and of quick 
parts ; — moreover, his personal appearance is not to be ob- 
jected to ; but then, he is still what he is, — and whatever 
kind of excellence, or however diversified the talents of any 
one moving in such a sphere, they form no recommendation 
of them to a lady ; at least they should not. If this should 
be known, Georgiana, by our friends, what would be said ? 
your prospects in life would be ruined for ever." 

Georgiana replied to the doctor's address by a flood of tears, 
connected with strong symptoms of again departing for a 
while from a state of consciousness. The doctor trembled 
lest such a circumstance should be repeated ; and, therefore, 
in a coaxing strain observed, as he kissed her pale cheek, — 
" Well, well, now I see you are sorry for it ; — it was a slip of 
youth, and I shall take no more notice of the matter. Come, 
rouse up, and be yourself again. Come, oblige me with a 
little music while breakfast is preparing." 



CAPTAIN BOLIG 421 

M Indeed, papa, you must excuse me this time," said Geor- 
giana, faintly. 

" But, indeed, I will not," returned the doctor, playfully ; 
— " If you don't instantly play me a tune, and give me a lit- 
tle ballad, I'll not promise you shall be of our party to- 
day at dinner." 

" You know I would play and sing too, most cheerfully, if 
I could," returned Georgiana; "but my head aches sadly, 
and I cannot." 

" I'll have no excuse this morning," said the doctor ; " I 
wish to get my spirits up in order to receive our visitors with 
becoming decorum — so play you must! — Here," he conti- 
nued, " this little thing won't hurt you;— come now, 
Georgie — it will suit you exactly, I'm certain." 

Georgiana, though sad at heart, felt pleased that her father 
felt disposed to carry off the matter in the way proposed ; and 
finding that no excuse would avail her, she seated herself 
upon her music-stool, and sung as her father wished, 

" APART FROM THOSE WE LOVE ! 

'* How lonely are the hours 

Of each returning day; 
Though bustling crowds around us throngs 

And suitors homage pay. 
Though pleasures court our smile, 

Their transports cannot move ; 
For sadness still will fill the soul 

Apart from those we love ! 

The joys which once we knew, 

Bring madness to the brain; 
As reason whispers, while we think, 

' Such ne'er will come again.' 
Each object once enjoyed, 

Grows hateful, and we prove 
With anguish, — seeking rest is vain 

Apart from those we love ! 

A smile, indeed, may play 

Upon the ashy cheek, 
Like a sun-beam dancing round a tomb, 

And falsehood's language speak. 
Still sadness from the soul 

Will ne'er again remove ; 
Unchang'd by place, unmov'd by time, — 

Apart from those ive love/ 1 * 

At the end of the song breakfast was set on ; and without 
the slightest reference to Claudius, the repast was finished ; 
after which they withdrew, in order to spend a few hoursbe- 



422 THE RAMBLES OF 

fore the toilet, in order to prepare themselves to receive, with 
due form and dignity, their expected visitors. 

The mind of poor Georgiana was torn hy a thousand con- 
flicting passions : love for Claudius, obedience to her parent, 
and her own respectability and credit, by turns put in their 
claims. But love is a subtle casuist, and seldom fails to 
carry his point : on the present occasion he did so triumph- 
antly ; and hence, while the Duchess and Miss Fidget were 
rouging, curling, padding, and patching, Georgiana was 
placing herself in such positions as she supposed the moet 
likely in which to meet Claudius. Still she saw him not ; — 
again and again she shifted her station ; but alas ! with no 
better success. 

Being entirely ignorant of what had taken place during the 
time she lay fainting on the sofa, she imagined the object of 
her affection avoided meeting her by design ; and then the 
fear, the maddening fear possessed her, lest he should, from 
the discovery her father had made, cool in his affections to- 
wards her. Full of such alarm, and scarcely knowing what 
she did, she rang the bell, and when a servant entered she de- 
sired that Claudius should wait upon her to carry a letter to 
the post. 

" I will carry it, Miss, if you please," was the reply. 

" Thank you," returned Georgiana, " I have not written 
yet; but I wish Claudius to be in readiness.'' 

" We haven't seen him, Miss, since the first of the morn- 
ing," replied the servant. 

"Not seen him 1" exclaimed Georgiana, with strong feeling; 
and then suddenly checking herself, she observed, — " Youhad 
betterseekhim, and saylwishhim to convey amessageforme." 

" I will, Miss," said the servant,- and left the room. 

" Not seen him !" Georgiana repeated to herself, with em- 
phasis, as she paced the room. — " Where can he be ? — surely 
he has not left the house; — oh! no, no; that I think he 
would not do; and yet, — not seen him !" she continued to 
muse ; — " Where, oh ! where can he be ?" 

At the end of half an hour the servant returned ; Geor- 
giana observed him with peculiar emotion, and enquired, — 
" Well, have you delivered my message to Claudius ?" 

" No, Miss," returned the servant ; " I have sought for 
him every where, and can't find him ; and I have enquired 
of the other servants respecting him, and all of them say they 
know nought about him." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 423 

Georgiana was obliged to clo violence to her feelings ; and 
with as much apparent indifference as she could display, she 
dismissed the servant, although the actual state of her mind 
bordered closely on distraction. 

Amidst the chaos of thought of which she now became the 
subject, she happily maintained so much collectedness as to 
be aware of the necessity under which she was laid to keep 
her secret to herself; and the best way to do so, she felt as- 
sured, and prevent the prying suspicions of those bywhom she 
w r as surrounded, was to give no cause to them ; and, therefore, 
she repaired to her dressing-room in hopes of calming the 
tempest of her mind by engaging in the — (to her) — distasteful 
but requisite preparations for receiving company. 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

M Mer We must have you dance. 

Rom. Not I, believe me ; you have dancing shoes, 
With nimble soles,— I have a soul of lead, 
So stakes me to the ground, I cannot move, 

Mer. You aie a lover: borrow Cupid's wings, 

And soar with them above a common bound, 

Rom. I am too sore empierced with his shaft, 

To soar with his light feathers ; and so bound, 
I cannot bound a pitch above dull care ; 
Under love's heavy burden do I sink." 

Shakspeake, 

The clock of the Abbey church was striking six as Lady 
Bolio's carriage drove up to the door of the York Hotel, and 
in a moment Lord Dashwood, Sir Marmaduke Varney, and 
Dr. Titheum, were in attendance, to escort the ladies to the 
drawing-room. Mrs. Leechum leaned on the arm of Lord 
Dashwood, and " tripped like a fairy," as they passed along 
the hall, and ascended the noble and easy flight of stairs lead- 
ing to a grand suite of rooms on the first floor. Dr. Titheum 
had the good fortune to please Lady Bolio at first sight ; who 
thought him a very proper man, and honoured him so far as 
to accept his offered assistance; while Sir Marmaduke, in' 
close confabulation with Leechum, brought up the rear. The 
introduction to the other parts of the party followed in due 
form ; and, after a few slight arrangements had been made, 



424 THE RAMBLES OF 

connected with the ladies' attire, at a little before seven, din- 
ner was served. 

While others were engaged in the actual and active discus- 
sion of solids and fluids, Georgiana appeared half vacant. 
Every time a servant entered the room, her head and eyes 
were turned in the direction of the door, expecting that Clau- 
dius would make his appearance ; but she was disappointed 
— he came not. 

" Will you allow me the honour, Madam," said Lord Dash- 
wood, addressing himself to Mrs. Leechum, ** to take a glass 
of wine with you ?" 

"With great pleasure, my lord," answered the smiling 
lady, and they accordingly pledged each other. 

" Now, my dear Carlo/' observed Miss Fidget to her dear 
companion, " that is very rude ; — I can't, indeed, allow you 
to eat out of my plate before company." 

"Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, "I fear Master 
Carlo is rather troublesome, my dear Miss Fidget ; will you 
permit me to take charge of him while you dine, — I will be 
superlatively careful of him, 'pon my honour." 

" Oh, you are very kind, Sir Marmaduke," replied Miss 
Fidget. — " I am sure you would be as careful of him as of 
myself ; and if I dared to trust him to any one's care, it would 
be to your's, Sir Marmaduke." 

" Oh, 'pon my honour you flatter me," returned the Knight, 
— " you do positively ; — still I protest, by all that's beautiful, 
you speak the truth, — you do, 'pon my honour." 

While Miss Fidget and the Knight continued to hold sweet 
intercourse, the Duchess launched out in all the freedom of 
easy converse, and displayed such a vein of good-humour, 
and such a fund of general information, while conversing 
with Dr. Leechum, as not merely gratified that worthy pro- 
fessional, but diverted his mind from what, in all probability, 
would otherwise have spoiled his dinner, — the particular at- 
tentions which Dashwood paid to his young and gentle wife. 

Dr. Titheum and Lady Bolio appeared to have established 
themselves on the best possible terms with each other ; — in- 
deed, more than once the thought entered her Ladyship's 
head, that she had been too hasty in determining never 
again to change her state, — matrimonially considered, — for 
she felt disposed to flatter herself that she had already made 
an impression upon the tender passions of his reverence. 

Poor Georgiana alone appeared alone ; and she was alone 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 425 

indeed in her feelings 1 — she could not have been more so had 
she changed situations with Alexander Selkirk, or Philip 
Quarl. It is true, she joined occasionally in the general con- 
versation which took place, and with a spirit and vivacity 
which delighted Lady Bolio ; but if those who best knew her 
had noticed the way in which she did so, they would have 
been convinced she was a mere performer, on that occasion, 
of what at other times was her natural character. 

All soon became unrestrained good-humour and innocent 
hilarity ; jest succeeded jest, and one repartee was only the 
precursor of a string of others. The Duchess evidently en- 
joyed the port- wine, — Mrs. Leechum was delighted with Lord 
Dashwood,— Lady Bolio thought Dr. Titheum the most 
agreeable man she had ever met with, — 

" And wished 
That heaven had made her such a man ;" 

while, what with the attentions of Sir Marmaduke to Miss 
Fidget, and her own attentions to Carlo, that lady managed to 
.be perfectly composed, until the signal was given for withdraw- 
ing to the ball-room. Leechum alone appeared neglected, 
and poor Georgiana forlorn; but, as in the great world in 
which we exist, every one has enough to do to look to them- 
selves without being greatly affected by the cares of others ; 
so in this miniature universe each one was so fully occupied 
in their own pursuits, that little attention was paid to others. 

" 'Pon my honour 1" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, " this is 
one of the most felicitous parties I ever had the honour to 
meet, — I suppose we must give all the credit to the ladies — 
eh, doctar?" 

" You suppose, Sir Marmaduke \" returned the doctor, 
whose eloquence on the present occasion was only exceeded 
by his politeness and gallantry ; both of which were stimu- 
lated by the large and frequent potations in which he hadin- 
dulged. — " You suppose, Sir Marmaduke ! — and why suppose? 
— is not every thing that is delightful on earth rendered so by 
the ladies ? and in reference to the present party, — why, their 
fascinations would enliven a dungeon ! Fm not in the * com- 
mission of the peace 5 if I should not have enjoyed the Bastille 
itself in such society." 

" Ton my honour/' returned Sir Marmaduke, " I stand 
corrected, — that is, reprimanded for my obtuseness of imagi- 
nation and want of feeling; — your observations, doctar 3 



426 THE RAMBLES OF 

strike me as being irrefutably correct ; they do, 'pon my 
honour. In such society, as you justly observe, a dungeon 
would be transformed to a fairy palace ; it would, 'pon my 
honour." So saying, the Knight extended his hand in order 
to give energy to his eloquent echo of the doctor, when, un- 
fortunately, it came in collision with the lancet-like teeth of 
Miss Fidget's bosom companion, who, — either bent upon 
mischief, or mistaking the perfumed forefinger of his elect- 
master for some dainty morsel intended for mastication, — 
very unceremoniously closed his jaws upon it, until the blood 
gushed from several lacerations. 

Sir Marmaduke kicked and shouted, and Carlo maintained 
his grasp ; while Miss Fidget, in very gentle and entreating 
language, requested her dear poodle to relinquish his hold 
upon the quivering flesh ; but which, notwithstanding, he 
appeared very indisposed to do. 

" Oh fie, fie, Carlo 1" exclaimed Miss Fidget, after the ex- 
trication had been effected, " that is very rude of you, — how. 
could you think of committing such an act ?" 

" Who would have supposed, Sir Marmaduke," observed 
the Duchess, " that you would have put your finger in the 
poor thing's mouth ? — ha! ha! ha !— He appears very anxious 
to claim intimate connexion, — how very sagacious he is." 

"Ton my honour," said the Knight, as he bound the 
maimed member in his snow-white handkerchief, "this is a 
confoundedly awkward affair." 

" Well, really, Sir," observed Lady Bolio, " I feel, for my 
own part, that you have a claim upon our 'strongest sympa- 
thies ; for had it not been for the very polite compliments 
you were paying us ladies, the accident would not have oc- 
curred." 

Sir Marmaduke placed his right hand under his left breast, 
indicating how much he felt the compliment of her Ladyship ; 
and observed, as he bowed low, — " 'Pon my honour, I feel 
honoured by your observation, Madam ; I do, 'pon my 
honour." 

" Allow me the pleasure, Lady Bolio," said Titheum, as he 
presented his arm, " to escort your Ladyship to the ball- 
room." 

" Oh, you are very kind, Dr. Titheum," returned her Lady- 
ship ; — " really, your polite attentions this evening will ren- 
der me your everlasting debtor!" and she took his arm. 
"I hope not quite so long, Madam," rejoined the doctor, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 427 

very significantly, which her Ladyship, evidently, well un- 
derstood ; hut of which she appeared anxious to make the 
doctor helieve she was ignorant. 

" Why, what reason, doctor, have you to hope not ?" en- 
quired her Ladyship. — " How can I make return for your 
very polite attentions ?" 

" Your Ladyship will, perhaps, allow me the pleasure of 
enquiring after your health," returned the doctor, " on some 
future occasions, as an off-set." 

" Oh, that will be only to increase my obligations," re- 
plied Lady Bolio ; " I shall by that means get deeper in 
debt." 

" Perhaps, then," said the doctor, " your Ladyship will 
feel inclined, on some future day, to discharge the whole at 
once, by — " 

" How ?" said her Ladyship. 

The doctor would have given the required explanation, but 
at that moment they entered the ball-room, although they 
had stepped as deliberately as propriety would allow ; and Sir 
Marmaduke exclaimed, — " Come, doctor, I want a little of 
your help, 'pon my honour ; Miss Fidget declines dancing 
to-night, and Miss Georgiana refuses to be my partner ; that 
is confoundedly awkward,— is it not, doctor ?" 

" Georgiana, my dear," said the doctor, " what is amiss ; 
are you not well to-night ? — Come, come ; surely you will 
not refuse Sir Marmaduke for a partner?" 

" Really, dear papa," replied Georgiana, " I must be ex- 
cused ; — I do not refuse because Sir Marmaduke has been 
kind enough to ask me for his partner; but I cannot dance 
to-night; indeed I cannot, — I feel somewhat unwell." 

The doctor's mind was so completely engrossed with the 
thoughts of Lady Bolio, as absolutely to have forgotten the 
affair between Georgiana and Claudius, although it had so 
recently occurred ; and, therefore, receiving the excuse which 
his daughter had offered as perfectly correct,— and in truth 
it was so, for she was not well, — he did not further press her 
on the point. 

Happily for Sir Marmaduke, a bumper of brandy-and- 
water had so far elevated the spirits of the Duchess, that 
without ceremony she paired with him ; while, shortly after, 
Miss Fidget changed her mind, and lent her maiden hand to 
Dr. Leechum ; and the whole company, save and except 
Georgiana and Carlo, were soon in motion. 



428 THE RAMBLES OF 

Before the company broke up, which did not take place 
until some time after 

" Bright Phoebus had mounted his car in the east," 

it became very evident to every one present, that the chances 
were on the side of strong probability, that something would 
issue between Lady Bolio and Dr. Titheum from the visit ; 
while, if Dr. Leechum's countenance had been taken as an 
index of his thoughts and feelings, it would have been ima- 
gined that his suspicions were strongly excited that some- 
thing which he might object to would take place from it, 
between his dear, sweet-tempered lady and Lord Dash wood. 

An excess of enjoyment of any kind leads to satiety : we 
are not constitutioned so as to endure an uninterrupted course 
of pleasure. The present party felt it ; and, although some 
one or two pairs would, perhaps,, have been able to bear each 
other's company an hour or two longer, the general feeling 
displayed was, a desire to separate, and separate they did ; 
and in the same order as they entered the Hotel they now 
departed from it ; previous to which, however, a positive en- 
gagement had been made for a return of the visit on that day 
week, at Lady Bolio's mansion, in the Royal Crescent ; and 
with this understanding, " Good night," and " Good night," 
sounded from each of the group : and then her Ladyship's 
carriage bowled over the stones at a rapid rate towards her 
residence. 

" Now, is not Lord Dashwood a charming creature ?" 
asked Mrs. Leechum of Lady Bolio, as soon as they entered 
the drawing-room. — " I do positively think I shall dream of 
him." 

" Why yes," replied Lady Bolio, in a rather indifferent 
sort of tone, "he is in his way well enough." 

" In his way!" cried Mrs. Leechum; — "Why, my dear 
Lady Bolio, what do you mean ?" 

" Why, I mean," replied her Ladyship in the same key, 
"he is a very nice-looking personage,— plenty of humour, 
veiy full of gallantry, and all that sort of thing." 

" Well," exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, " and what would your 
Ladyship wish a gentleman should be ?" 

" Oh, I don't wish for any thing, not I," returned Lady 
Bolio ; — " but what think you of Dr. Titheum ?" 

"What do I think olhim?" replied Mrs. Leechum. 

"Aye," continued her Ladyship, " of him. If I could 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 429 

make a conquest there I do think I should be induced, with 
a leetle persuasion, to promise to — ' obey.' " 

"Ha! ha! ha!" burst from the doctor's lady;— "Well, 
now, that is just what I expected ; it is, I assure you, — and I 
feel no hesitation in saying, you have made a hit there. I 
only wish I could be as certain of having made an impression 
upon Lord Dashwood." 

"My dear !" exclaimed Leechum, no longer able to listen 
in silence, " what are you saying ; — do you indeed forget 
that I am your husband ? M 

" No, Si'r, I do not forget it," returned the lady. — " Pray 
what, allow me to ask, do you intend to insinuate by such a 
question ?" 

" Oh nothing, my love ! nothing, I assure you," replied 
the trembling doctor ; " I was merely going to hint — " 

"You did hint, Sir, I think/*' interrupted his lately amiable- 
spirited rib, — " You did hint something that reflected no 
credit upon me ; and what, therefore, was not very compli- 
mentary to yourself." 

"No, my dear," returned Leechum, "upon my word, I 
merely intended to hint that — " 

" I will not hear any more such hints, Sir," roared the 
lady. " Do you wish to hint that I am in love with Lord 
Dashwood r Cannot a lady feel a warm respect for an amia- 
ble man without loving him ? Oh ! Lady Bolio, never get 
married!" she continued,— " You see how I have sold my 
liberty : I can go no where, — I can be free, that is, polite 
to no one, but this gentleman is hinting, and, — oh, 1 am 
wild ! — I am distracted ! — I shall go raving mad, I know I 
shall, to be so inhumanly treated !" 

"Now, be calm, my dear Mrs. Leechum," observed Lady 
Bolio, " and, I dare say, when Lord Dashwood pays us his 
visit, all will be set right." 

" Oh certainly, certainly, my dear," responded Leechum, 
" I shall be most happy to see his Lordship, — ' hanged and 
quartered !' he whispered to himself. 

" Why true, as you say, my dear Lady Bolio," rejoined 
Mrs. Leechum, " the time will soon come round when we 
shall again be favoured with a visit ; and then, I dare say. 
Dr. Leechum will be fully satisfied that his hints are unne- 
cessary, and his suspicions ridiculous or idle." 

"Umph!" thought Leechum, — "Very likely;" and then 
addressing his lady, he observed, — " Well, my love, I 



430 THE RAMBLES OF 

suppose it will be so ; all would have been well if you had 
permitted me to hint — " 

" I think you had better retire, Dr. Leechum," said his 
lady, with a look full of meaning ; " I wish to have a few 
moments' conversation with Lady Bolio ; I suppose I may be 
allowed that privilege without being suspected." 

If the unfortunate doctor bad felt disposed to offer a re- 
monstrance, he dared not to have done so ; — nay, if Lord 
Dashwood, instead of Lady Bolio, had been the person with 
whom she desired a few moments' conversation, it would 
have been as good for his health and peace that he had swal- 
lowed every tooth in his head, as to have given a single hint 
of objection. 

" Certainly, my love ! certainly, — you are at full liberty," 
said Leechum ; " but allow me to hint, my dear, that I think 
you require rest; and, therefore, the sooner you follow 
me — " 

" I shall do so, Sir, when I think it is necessary," returned 
his obedient and sweet-tempered spouse ; " I suppose you 
understand thathmt ?" she added with a sagely significant nod 
of the head. It was evident he did understand it, for without 
another hint he bade Lady Bolio " Good morning," and re- 
tired to muse over the delectabilities of matrimony. 

"Well, now, my dear Lady Bolio," said Mrs. Leechum, 
as soon as the doctor had fairly vanished, " may I trust you 
with a secret ?" 

" Oh, most certainly," replied her Ladyship. 

" And will you keep it most sacredly," asked Mrs. 
Leechum, " and give me your candid advice ?" 

" I will do both if you desire it," replied Lady Bolio. 

"Well, then," said Mrs. Leechum, "Lord Dashwood has 
pressed me to meet him for an hour to-morrow afternoon." 

" Lord Dashwood has !" exclaimed Lady Bolio, in strong 
surprise. 

"Yes," returned the doctor's rib; "shall I do so?" 

" By no means, my love," replied her Ladyship ; " it 
would, in my opinion, be highly improper. I give you my 
candid opinion." 

" Well, but it is an affair of importance," returned Mrs. 
Leechum, " and his Lordship assured me — " 

" I dare say it is," rejoined Lady Bolio ; " it should be 
something of importance that should induce a married lady 
to meet a married lord by appointment." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 431 

"Well, but/' said Mrs. Leechum, " Dr. Titheum is to be 
present. " 

" Dr. Titheum 1" exclaimed her Ladyship, — " Indeed ! 
Oh, that alters the case." 

" Yes, and you were to accompany me," said Mrs. 
Leechum. 

" Oh, well then ; I can have no objection," observed Lady 
Bolio, — " none whatever ; — go, certainly. What do you 
imagine is the object of the meeting, — is any thing pro- 
posed ?" 

" Nothing, whatever, that I know of," returned Mrs. 
Leechum ; " but, I suppose, you are not entirely ignorant, — 
are you now ?" 

" Upon my honour I" said her Ladyship, " I know no- 
thing about it; — but do you suppose, my dear, that Dr. 
Titheum will be disposed to be agreeable, — that is, you 
know — " 

" Bless your Ladyship !" returned Mrs. Leechum, " I am 
sure you may make what you please of the doctor." 

" Well, certainly, that is saying a great deal," responded 
Lady Bolio. 

" I wish I had the power to make as much of Lord Dash- 
wood," sighed Mrs. Leechum. 

" At what hour are we to meet the gentlemen ?" enquired 
her Ladyship, without attending to Mrs. Leechum's sigh, or 
fervently expressed wish. 

"At eight in the evening," replied Mrs. Leechum. 

" Well, my dear, we must make some excuse for our 
absence," said Lady Bolio. " You may depend on me, 
— Pll accompany you. Adieu 1" So saying, they separated, 
each filled with the utmost anxiety respecting the expected 
meeting. 



432 THE RAMBLES OF 



CHAPTER XXXIIL 

" She sigh'd as they met, — gave a look full of pleasure, — 
Would have blush'd if she could,— Love had stolen the measure. 

Then a lady-like curtsy sh* 3 dropp'd ; — 
The swain took the hint, and, with passion ecstatic, 
Seized her beautiful hand, and with action erratic, 

Kiss'd her lips, — and the question popp'd ! 
' Who can refuse a swain so killing?' 
She said, — then sigh'd, — 'to w r ed I'm willing.' 
Thus strangely woo'd, and strangely won, 
The morrow saw the parties one !" 

Wooing a la Mode. 

The utmost extent of period that either Dashwood, Dr. 
Titheum, or Lady Bolio, proposed to remain at Bath when 
first they entered it, was ten days ; that time, however, was 
already over-run, and still they felt, for very special reasons, 
fully disposed to remain a week or two longer. The only 
one of the party that had grown tired of its gaiety was Geor- 
giana. She felt assured that Claudius had left the city ; but 
to what extent her father had been concerned in his depar- 
ture, she did not so much as conjecture. Her heart no longer 
beat in unison with the merry sounds which struck upon her 
ear ; neither was she captivated by the gawdy sights which 
played before her eye : she had become emphatically — a 
"joyless one." 

Sir Marmaduke felt himself so bound to Dashwood, that 
he cared not to leave before his Lordship ; while neither 
Miss Fidget nor the Duchess were disposed to depart alone 
and unattended. 

It now became evident that Sir Marmaduke began se- 
riously to think of his expected union with Miss Fidget; 
and, to say the truth, that lady knew no just cause or impe- 
diment why the ceremony which would legally and for life 
unite their fortunes, should not forthwith be attended to ; 
although the pride of womanhood prevented her from giving 
her thoughts utterance. 

Thus affairs stood when the meeting related in the pre- 
ceding chapter took place. Dashwood, who perceived from 
the first that the reverend doctor was smitten, either by the 
person, or property, or title of Lady Bolio, — and that that lady 
had herself far from outlived her amorous feelings, or platonic 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 433 

sensibility, — determined in some way, as circumstances might 
offer, to accomplish his own ends in reference to Mrs. 
Leechum, through their means. 

In pursuance of the resolve which Dashwood had formed, 
he managed most dexterously, on the evening above referred 
to, to solicit Mrs. Leechum to fa\wur him with a meeting on 
the afternoon of the following day; — from this proposition, 
however, the lady shrunk alarmed ; for, notwithstanding the 
folly and impropriety with which she had been and was still 
chargeable, any thing that wore the appearance of positive 
criminality she shuddered to think on, and turned from with 
disgust. 

She was not, however, aware to what a fearful extent she 
was working to weaken, if not entirely overthrow, the vir- 
tuous principles which yet influenced her, by encouraging 
such a person as Lord Dashwood in his visits ; or by che- 
rishing for a moment such a feeling as had already taken too 
strong hold upon her. She allowed herself most inconsist- 
ently and foolishly, — we might have said, criminally 1 — to 
institute a comparison between old Dr. Leechum, as she 
now in her own mind called her husband, and the young, 
gay, and courteous Lord Dashwood : the result was, as might 
have been confidently expected, both in reference to her 
peace and prudence — it destroyed the one and undermined 
the other. As we have stated, however, she shrunk from 
Dashwood's request to meet him alone ; — he therefore pro- 
posed, that if Lady Bolio would accompany her, he would 
engage that Dr. Titheum should be his companion on the 
occasion. To this Mrs. Leechum saw no objection; and, 
accordingly, promised, upon condition that Lady Bolio did 
not object, it should be so ; but that on no account would 
she meet him if Dr. Titheum were not in company. How 
far Lady Bolio consented to the arrangement has been seen ; 
while the proposal, when made by Dashwood to Titheum, 
was caught at by his reverence with as much eagerness as 
himself, or many of his cloth, would have sprung at a mitre. 
The divine felt little doubt of success in bearing away the 
titled widow, with the assistance of such powerful auxiliaries 
as his Lordship and Mrs. Leechum ; who was, as his Lord- 
ship assured him, entirely in his interest. 

If diplomas had been issued from the groves of Venus with 
which to reward her subjects according to their skill in in- 
trigue, Dashwood would unquestionably have received, long 



434 THE RAMBLES OF 

before this period, that of M. A. He was as great an adept 
in the art as a perfect gamester is in dealing cards to his own 
advantage ; or a political tactician in proving what no one 
understands, and what he does not himself believe. 

To render all that might take place perfectly natural, and 
to lull any thing like suspicion to sleep, Dashwood had ma- 
naged to concoct a sufficient reason for the absence of himself 
and the doctor for an hour or two after eight o'clock ; and, 
having so arranged the affair, he waited with anxiety the 
appointed time. 

Sir Marmaduke, who had been informed that his Lordship 
and the doctor would have occasion to leave the Hotel for a 
short time in the evening, felt a secret rejoicing that it was to 
be so, as he determined to " screw his courage to the sticking- 
post," and press Miss Fidget to allow an early day to be 
named for their nuptials. 

The time had nearly come, when Mrs. Leechum, accom- 
panied by Lady Bolio, each suitably attired, descended to the 
drawing-room. Mrs. Leechum took one more approving, 
lingering look at her person in the mirror which adorned the 
chimney-piece, to see if any thing more could be done to 
render herself as attractive as she could be ; and then turning 
to her Ladyship, she enquired, — "Are you quite ready, my 
dear Lady Bolio V- 

" Quite so, my dear," replied her Ladyship ; — " We will, 
if you please, set out immediately/ 5 

" May I enquire/' observed Leechum, " where you ladies 
intend to walk so late in the day ?" 

"We are going out" returned Mrs. Leechum, most 
obligingly. 

" I am aware of that, my love," said Leechum ; " but 
where, my dear ?" 

" Where now ?" echoed his lady, — " Did the world ever 
witness Dr. Leechum' s fellow ! Thus it is from day to day ; 
morning, noon, and night !" 

" Well, my love," returned the doctor, " I was merely 
going to hint, that — " 

" To hint ! — oh, how I abhor those hints !" said Mrs. 
Leechum ; " I shall be driven to desperation by them !" 

" Shall you be long gone ?" enquired her trembling lord. 

*• We shall be gone until we have performed our business, 
of course," returned the lady. " But, bless me !" she added, 
" I had forgotten myself; — if I stand answering all the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 435 

useless, and indeed impertinent questions winch Dr. Leechum 
may feel disposed to press upon one, I shall not leave before 
midnight. Come, Lady Bolio," continued the amiable and 
placid fair one, " shall we make our exit ?" But her Lady- 
ship had already taken her leave ; and, therefore, shutting 
the door with rather strong action, she hurried after and 
joined Lady Bolio in the hall ; and then, after giving her 
companion her arm, they drew their veils closely over their 
faces, and walked towards the place of assignation. 

How wonderful are the events which flow from trivial and 
apparently insignificant causes. The romance of history 
need not be sifted to prove our position; — indeed, a simple 
title given to each, would form no mean volume in point of 
bulk, without entering into detail. The every- day occur- 
rences of human life supply, to an attentive observer of things 
as they are, proofs more than sufficient to our purpose. So 
too it happened in the case of Lady Bolio and Dr. Titheum. 
Claudius's quarrel with his Tutor, Mr. Ferule, led to his 
elopement ; that, — in connexion with his lady-mother's pla- 
tonic affection for the pedagogue, produced illness, — in order 
to the re-establishment of health she repaired to Bath, and at 
a masquerade meets with Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke ; — 
this singular occurrence brought about another, — and then 
our assignation follows. The result of the whole may pos- 
sibly be, an engagement which will cause a revolution in 
family concerns, whose consequences will run on ad in- 
finitum. 

But we are anticipating concerning important matters, for 
which it is possible we shall not receive so much as the 
thanks of the reader. It will doubtless be better to state, 
that, anxious as the ladies were to attend to their part of the 
appointment, the gentlemen were not the shadow of a shade 
behind them. In fact, before the time had come, Dashwood 
and the doctor had spent a full half-hour in sauntering round 
the spot ; which, to their fevered imagination, seemed quad- 
rupled. 

At length, two figures, closely veiled, made their appear- 
ance, and in the twinkling of an eye Dashwood exclaimed, 
" Egad they are here, doctor! — Now prepare your artillery; 
give no quarter, and the citadel must surrender." 

" Axe you certain/' asked the doctor, " that yonder females 
are Lady Bolio and Mrs. Leechum." 

" Am I certain, doctor ?" returned his Lordship, — " Ha ! 
u 2 



436 THE RAMBLES OF 

ha ! ha ! — Why, bless you, I can scent game farther than 
many others can see it !" 

" Indeed 1" ejaculated the doctor, not precisely catching 
the meaning of his Lordship's trope, — " That is very ex- 
traordinary/' 

" "Tis true, 'pon my honour/ as SirMarmaduke would 
say," returned Dashwood. "But to business, doctor; to 
business : while I strive to lead Mrs. Leechum aside to give 
you the opportunity ; you understand — eh ? — second my en- 
deavours, and saunter to such a distance as you think will 
answer your purpose ; then press home the question, — ' to be 
or not to be.' It would not be quite agreeable, perhaps, to 
remain within hearing ; — ladies are, or pretend to be, delicate 
on certain points." 

" I am not in the * commission of the peace,' " observed 
the doctor, " if I do not follow your counsel." 

" Enough !" said the crafty lord ; — " Remember, no quar- 
ter — now for the attack — hem !" So saying, he advanced at 
a double quick pace towards the ladies, leaving the doctor 
considerably in the rear ; and, with all the freedom and fond- 
ness of an acknowledged suitor, seized the hand of Mrs. 
Leechum, and exclaimed, — " Madam, a thousand thanks for 
this unmerited act of condescension ! I am your debtor for 
life ! Your servant, Lady Bolio ; most happy to see your 
Ladyship. My good friend, Dr. Titheum, has been dying 
with anxiety for the arrival of this hour, in order to pay his 
respects to you." 

" Lady Bolio," said the doctor, who at this moment joined 
the party, " I am happy to perceive that your last night's 
fatigue has not been too great for you." 

" You are very kind, doctor," returned her Ladyship ; 
" but who would not make a little effort to accompany a 
friend ?" 

" True, true," responded the doctor ; w you are all kind- 
ness, Lady Bolio ! indeed you are. Allow me to render you 
some assistance," he continued, presenting his arm, which 
with suitable acknowledgments Lady Bolio cheerfully accepted. 

" Dearest Madam !" exclaimed Dashwood, as he placed 
Mrs. Leechum's arm within his, and gently led her away, 
" instruct me how to express my acknowledgments for this 
favour." 

" Oh, your Lordship places too much value upon trifles," 
returned Mrs. Leechum. " But did you not state that you 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 437 

wished to make a communication of importance to me?" 
she added with a bland smile. 

" I did, loveliest of women !" returned Dashwood. 
" Now, you really must desist from flattery, my Lord," said 
Mrs. Leechum, whose ears drank in the sweet sounds with, 
pleasure inexpressible, — " you must, indeed ; or I shall call 
you a naughty man." 

"Flattery!" exclaimed Dashwood ; — "Hold me guiltless 
'of such a despicable spirit, I beseech you, sweetest of your 
sex !" 

"Well, well," returned Mrs. Leechum, "I'll see what I 
can do. But this important communication," she continued ; 
" Woman-like," she added, smiling, " you perceive, my cu- 
riosity is excited." 

Dashwood was an old practitioner, and feared by a too 
sudden or too specific declaration, to mar what he had so 
well begun ; and, therefore, hesitated to state positively a 
passion which he, as a man of honour, should have scorned 
to cherish. " Can you be ignorant of it," he enquired, 
" dearest Rosabella ? for by that name you will, I hope, allow 
me the pleasure of calling you." 

"Why, you have done so," returned Mrs. Leechum; 
" but if it will afford you any gratification, why, I see no- 
thing in a name ; and, therefore, — but I am, indeed, ignorant 
of the communication ; which, — bless me !" she continued, 
as she looked round, " where is Lady Bolio ? Are we then 
alone ?" • 

" Be not alarmed, dear Rosabella !" said Dashwood, 
" while I am near you no danger can befall you. I would 
with my life — " 

" It is not danger I fear," returned Mrs. Leechum; "but 
where can her Ladyship and the doctor have gone?" 

" Why, you know, dear Rosabella," resumed his Lord- 
ship, "the doctor has a little business to arrange with Lady 
Bolio." 

" Has he so ?" observed Mrs. Leechum ; — " Oh then, 1 
suppose, that is the important communication ! But, really, 
we must seek them." 

Dashwood would have urged her to proceed, but it would 
not do ; and, therefore, he turned back, and in a few minutes 
the doctor and Lady Bolio were discovered, in a position 
which left no doubt of the pleasure they experienced in each 
other's society. To state all that the doctor had stated to 



438 THE RAMBLES OF 

Lady Bolio, or to narrate all that Lady Bolio said in reply, 
even supposing that we possessed the power, would be un- 
necessary ; — it is enough to state, that the doctor had so well 
attended to the tuition of Dashwood, and so fully improved 
the opportunity afforded him ; and, to the infinite satisfac- 
tion of Lady Bolio, had so plainly declared his passion for 
her, that she, poor lady, — tired of the lonely estate of widow- 
hood, and willing to render others happy to the extent of her 
power, — received the statements and listened to the declara- 
tion with courtesy ; and, in the end, acknowledged she was 
not insensible to the doctor's attentions, or inflexible where 
compliance would make herself what she had long sighed to 
be — a happy wife. 

As soon as Dashwood discovered the parties, he again at- 
tempted to draw Mrs. Leechum aside, but in vain ; all he 
could do was to whisper soft sayings in her ear, — and, as- 
suredly, with much more freedom than propriety sanctioned, 
pressed her hand. 

After accompanying the ladies as near the Royal Crescent 
as, without exciting suspicion, they dared do, they bade them 
farewell. 

'* With looks and actions, such as lovers give, 
Who vow that only in Love's arras they live; 
They breath'd their vows, and vowed those vows were true: 
Then vowed again, and sigh'd — 'adieu ! adieu!' " 

There is an old-fashioned and well-known piece of advice 
which our metaphor-loving forefathers have supplied us with; 
which, if carried into all the affairs of human life, would be 
found highly beneficial ; — it is, to " make hay while the sun 
shines." In such case, Shakspeare's beautiful declaration 
would not so frequently lie unproved, or prove, so often as it 
does, a mere dead letter, — when he states, 

*' There is a tide in every man's affairs, 
Which, taken at the full, leads on to fortune." 

Now, Sir Marmaduke chanced to think with the poet on 
this very important occasion ; and, therefore, he determined 
to prove how far the high tide of his affairs would now lead 
on to fortune — a thing which he very much stood in need of. 
Moreover, he appeared to have a vivid perception of the im- 
portance of the advice above referred to, as well as an under- 
standing of its import ; and, therefore, he made up his mind 
to act upon it: hence, while Dashwood and the doctor were 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 439 

busily engaged with Mrs. Leechum and the Duchess, he 
availed himself of the sunny opportunity to press his point 
with Miss Fidget. 

" Ton my honour," commenced the Knight, " your ex- 
quisite kindness, Miss Fidget, has rendered me one of the 
happiest of men ; it has, 'pon my honour." 

" Oh, dear Sir Marmaduke !" sighed Miss Fidget, " I 
pray don't mention it, — the pleasure has, I assure you, been 
mutual." 

" 'Pon my honour," continued the Knight, " you electrify 
me with delight by saying so ! — you do, 'pon my honour. 
May I be allowed to say, my dear Miss Fidget, that — I — I — 
'pon my honour." 

" Oh, certainly, Sir Marmaduke," replied the lady, " I 
shall be happy to attend to any thing you may be disposed 
to say." 

" Ton my honour," thought Sir Marmaduke, " that is 
what Othello would have called a hint, and I will speak upon 
it." — " Well, then, dear Madam," he continued, " when, 
allow me to enquire, may I calculate upon the entrancing 
felicity of leading you to the — altar ?" 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke !" returned the lady, evincing at the 
same time very strong symptoms of a disposition to "go off" 
again ; but, whether from an exuberance of delight at hear- 
ing that a probability existed of things being soon brought 
to a close ; or whether, from an excess of maiden coyness, 
the reader is left to form his own opinion — so it was. The 
Knight perceived the effect his address had. produced, and 
observed, — " Ton my honour, Miss Fidget, are you unwell, or 
has my abruptness affected you so greatly ?" 

" Oh, you are very sympathizing, Sir Marmaduke," re- 
turned the lady : " but such a question, you must be aware, 
could not fail to produce an effect upon a young and inexpe- 
rienced female. You have so embarrassed me that I really 
do not know what reply to make to your very serious ques- 
tion. * Now do, pray, lie still Carlo/ " continued Miss Fidget, 
" I really cannot attend to you just now." 

Sir Marmaduke, in the trepidation of his feelings, did not 
observe the name of the animal pronounced to whom Miss 
Fidget was addressing herself ; but, catching only the latter 
part of her observation, he imagined it to be addressed to 
himself; and quaking for the success of his suit and the loss 
of a splendid fortune, should that suit fail, he felt that a 



440 THE RAMBLES OF 

desperate effort must be made to carry this point ; and, 
therefore, throwing himself into such a posture as proud 
beauty delights to behold the "lords of creation" in,— at 
their feet, — he exclaimed with a vehemence which the most 
absorbing passion for her person could scarcely have ex- 
ceeded, — '"Pon my honour, Miss Fidget, you will annihilate 
me by your words ! Loveliest of women, revoke that ex- 
pression ! Oh, say not that you cannot attend to me now I 
but raise me from despair by directing me to rise from your 
feet with the cheering assurance that you will listen to my 
suit, and render my agonized but devoted and adoring heart 
happy V 

" Oh, Sir Marmaduke !" sighed out the compassionate 
Miss Fidget, " you overwhelm me with confusion, — such a 
degree of ardent passion I never supposed I eould inspire ! 
Rise, Sir Marmaduke, — rise ; — I cannot endure the sight or 
one so worthy as yourself being placed in such a situation ; 
but, I assure you, you have entirely mistaken me." 

" Mistaken you \" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, still kneel- 
ing, increasingly alarmed. " Mistaken you, — did you say ? 
Have I then cherished the fond hope until now of being 
made the happiest of men, only to be rendered the most mi- 
serable ? — 'Pon my honour, I shall become a maniac I" 

"Rise, Sir Marmaduke, and hear me," rejoined the lady. 

" Never!" shouted the Knight; " Never will I quit this 
attitude until — " 

" Well, I will consent to what you propose," interrupted 
Miss Fidget, " only do get up. I say again, you have mis- 
taken me ; it was not to you I said I could not attend, but to 
my dear little Carlo." 

" 'Pon my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, jumping 
upon his feet, and taking one of the passive hands of Miss 
Fidget, upon which he imprinted half a score of kisses, " you 
have given me new life, — ha ! ha ! ha ! It was Carlo to whom 
you spoke— was it ? Very singular, 'pon my honour I Will 
you allow me to name this day week for the — " 

" Oh, do spare me !" interrupted the sensitive young lady. 
" Do, Sir Marmaduke, consider my feelings — my inex- 
perience !" 

" 'Pon my honour !" observed the Knight, in an impas- 
sioned tone'; while his eyes looked with a pleasing softness 
which Miss Fidget could not resist. " Shall I wait until to- 
morrow for your reply ; or will you appoint a longer period V 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 441 

<( Oh, Sir Marmaduke," said the lady, " you are aware 
how much power you possess over our poor weak sex ; — * wait 
until to-morrow/ said you ? why, really now — " ' Do be 
quiet a short time, Carlo, or I shall scold you, — indeed I 
shall. Well, then/ she continued episodically, as Carlo ap- 
plied his tongue to her lip ; — ' there now, let that do for the 
present.' " Until to-morrow, Sir Marmaduke ?" she added 
with quickness, — " Why no ; excuse my blushes, — let it be as 
you have said — this day week — I consent to — " 

" A thousand thanks !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke with 
rapture, before whose vision a princely fortune appeared al- 
ready to float. " This day week, then, I shall be made the 
happiest of mortals ! I shall, 'pon my honour." So saying, 
he presumed to salute the young lady in a similar way that 
Carlo had before done ; but, whether the first or second ani- 
mal's salute was most valued, is difficult to determine. 

So far Sir Marmaduke had gained his point ; and, not- 
withstanding Miss Fidget's maiden coyness, it was fully evi- 
dent her gratification was not less than the Knight's, at the 
nearness of the period when she should change both her 
name and station. Her countenance was illuminated with 
such a measure of animating delight, as might have lediabe-, 
liever in the marvellous to suppose that some restoring pro- 
cess had passed upon her, by which youth had been re- 
communicated to her system. 

The celebrated Rochefoucault asserts, that " many men 
would never have been in love, if they had never heard of 
love." Now, however correct and shrewd this remark may 
be in reference to the masculine, it is not less so in reference 
to the feminine gender : perhaps in ninety-nine cases out of 
a hundred it would be found, upon close investigation, that 
the perusal of some namby-pamby sentimental love-story at 
a boarding-school, or the reading of some romance or novel, 
instead of handling the needle, or finding engagement in 
some domestic matters, — has excited the imagination, and 
roused the passions, until every dustman almost has ap- 
peared an Adonis, and each member of the coarse blue 
" Force," a knight in search of adventure. 

But, in the above quoted learned writer's observation, we 
opine, a positive admission is made that such a thing or pas- 
sion as love does exist, and may really and truly be expe- 
rienced. Now, rare as the existence of the genuine all- 
absorbing passion may be ; or.if, indeed, in no former instance 
u 5 



442 THE RAMBLES OF 

it had ever before been felt, it did most certainly at the present 
time exercise a most powerful — not to say tyrannical — sway 
over the spirits of Georgiana ; the heart's core of whose be- 
ing appeared filled with the delectable poison. 

From being one of the most cheerful, she sunk into one of 
the most sad of her species ; and, while prospects fair and 
bright cheered the onward path of the doctor and Sir Mar- 
maduke, as well as of their cheerfully-consenting lady-loves, 
she mourned over her own wretchedness ; which, as she re- 
flected upon, seemed to increase. "Why had Claudius left, 
and whither had he fled ?" were to her natural questions ; 
but for which she could find no reasonable or satisfactory 
reply. She dared not make enquiry of the doctor for the ab- 
sentee, and none of the servants belonging to the Hotel knew 
any thing of him. 

At one moment the distracting thought rushed through 
her brain, that Claudius understood not the passion which 
consumed her being, or that he felt it not for her ; while, at 
the next, the pleasing assurance appeared to possess her, that 
the affection of her soul was reciprocated by our hero. 

" But what could he mean/" she thought to herself, " by 
saying he was not what he seemed to be, and that I should 
know all hereafter ? Oh, what would I not give to have these 
mysteries removed, — to see him again ; or even to know he 
was well, and had not forgotten me !" 

These reflections had scarcely come to a close, as she sat 
alone in her room, when a gentle tapping at the door an- 
nounced a visitor. " Come in," said Georgiana, and the 
door slowly opened, and a singular-looking old person, clad 
in the costume of a woman, but " bearded like a pard," ap- 
peared, bearing in her hand a somewhat bulky bundle. 

u Pray, lady/' said the visitant, dropping a curtsy, " if I 
may make so bold, can you inform me where I may meet 
with the young lady I want ?" 

" Unless I am furnished with her name or description," 
replied Georgiana, smiling, " I fear I shall not be able to direct 
you. From whom do you come, and what business, may I ask?" 

" Aye, — true, true," replied the woman, without attending 
to the* questions, " that had escaped me ; and so for the mat- 
ter of that has the name too, I fancy; — let me think a mo- 
ment, — aye, sure enough," she continued, after a few mo- 
ments' pause, " it is as I thought — gone — quite gone — I 
fear I am getting old. Ah me ! — there was a time when I 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 443 

could ha' remembered the names of all the kings and queens 
of England from, — ah S that is gone too ; but — " 

" Well, my good woman," rejoined Georgiana, " if it will 
not be betraying any trust imposed upon you, acquaint me 
with the name of the person from whom you have come ; as 
I suppose some person has sent you ; and I may then, per- 
haps, be able to give you the information you seek." 

"Why, there it is again," returned the old woman; "I 
don't know who it is that has sent me. However, he is as 
nice a young gentleman, as one may say, as this good city of 
Bath contains." 

" A young gentleman," observed Georgiana ; " oh, then 
I fear I shall not be able to serve you. I do not know any 
one here to whom a young gentleman would send ; — but 
what, may I ask, is the nature of your business ?" 

" Oh, as to that," returned the female, " I haven't forgot- 
ten it, lady ; — oh no, bless you ! if I had been entrusted with 
untold gold, it would have been safe, I warrant you, — nobody 
ever yet knew old Jannet to wrong a person of a farthing." 

" I am not calling your honesty in question," returned 
Georgiana, who bore with the old woman's garrulity as an 
infirmity to which she was aware her sex and old age were 
equally subject. " My only object is to attain a clue, if pos- 
sible, to the person you want, in order to direct you." 

" Kind lady," said Jannet, " you put me, for all the world, 
in mind of a sweet gentlewoman I used to serve when I was 
young, — she was so good-tempered and so obliging, and — " 

" Well, now," said Georgiana, smiling, " if you will be so 
obliging as to tell me what the nature of your business is, so 
far as will be proper for you to do, I will then serve you if 
I can." 

" My business is very soon done, kind lady," replied the 
old woman ; — " I have only to deliver this parcel and this 
letter to the person I want, and then go home again, — that's 
all, lady." 

"Will you allow me to look at the outside of the letter?" 
asked Georgiana, "it is, most likely, directed." 

" Aye, that it is, sure enough," said Jannet, without pre- 
senting the billet ; " but I dare not show it even to any but 
the lady it is for." 

" Indeed !" said Georgiana, and a sudden thought im- 
pressed her that it was possible, barely possible, it might 
come from Claudius ; — it was, however, but a thought, and 



444 THE RAMBLES OF 

one of the most transient kind : still she felt, — as females 
always do when a secret is in the way, — more than ever anx- 
ious to know who the sought for person could be. 

" Now I think on it/' said Jannet, " may be the parcel 
will tell you, for I was told any body might look at it." 

" If so/' returned Georgiana, " let me see the direction 
on it." 

" Yes, lady ; here it is," said the old woman, as she pre- 
sented it. 

" Bless me !" said Georgiana, as she read the name, — 
" from whom does the parcel come ?" 

" I am sure, lady," returned Jannet, with as much ease as 
if she had received a score years' tuition in the trade of in- 
trigue from an experienced Spanish Duenna — "*I am sure, 
lady, you'll excuse me for not being able to tell ; but a nicer 
young gentleman I never set my eyes on. However, do 
you know the person for whom it is directed ?" 

" It is for my papa," replied Georgiana. 

<f For your papa, lady !" said Jannet, — " Pray, what may 
his name be ?" 

" Dr. Titheum," answered Georgiana. 

" As sure as my name be Jannet, that is the very name !" 
said the old woman in ecstacy ; " I knowed I should remem- 
ber it again when I heard it." 

-" Mav I ask," said Georgiana, " if the note is for Dr. 
Titheum ?" 

" Oh, bless you ! no, lady," said Jannet ; " for quite a 
different sort of a person," and she looked round very cau- 
tiously, as if to satisfy herself that no person was within 
hearing. %i I suppose I may tell you, — it is for the doctor's 
(laughter ; and, as you are that lady, why there it is." And 
so saying, she placed the parcel on the table, and the letter 
in Georgiana's hand; and then, dropping another curtsy, 
before Georgiana could recover from her surprise, left the 
room and quitted the Hotel. 

" From whom can this come ?" thought Georgiana, " and 
so much secrecy about it to ; — and then this parcel for my 
papa, from a young gentleman, she said ; I wish I had not 
taken it. However, as I have done so, why I may as well 
learn, if I can, from whom it comes." So saying, she broke 
the seal ; and then, while her hand so trembled as to render 
it scarcely possible for her to read a line, she cast her eyes to 
the bottom of it, and saw — " Claudius." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 445 

In the first burst of her feelings she pressed the paper to 
her lips with fervour ; and then, doubting the correctness of 
her vision, she again examined the magic letter ; on which 
subject, having rendered assurance doubly sure, she depo- 
sited the dear epistle in her bosom, and Hew to her chamber 
to peruse its contents. Turning the key in the lock to pre- 
vent all intrusion, she drew forth the billet-doux from its pal- 
pitating and sacred depository, and read as follows : — 

" Inexpressibly Dear Georgiana, 

" Language is not sufficiently expressive to tell all I feel, 
or to declare with what strength of passion I love you ! 
Since my departure from the Hotel, — the cause of which I 
presume, you are fully acquainted with, — I have been be- 
yond measure wretched. The time, however, I fondly hope, 
will be comparatively short when the secrecy which now 
from necessity rests upon my conduct, will be removed, and I 
shall be able to express my passion for you without fear or 
disguise. 

" I have thrown off the garb of a servant, and assumed a 
plain dress. The livery, which belongs to your father, I have 
returned. Where I am at present you must pardon me for 
not stating, and believe that wherever I am, and however 
situated, 1 shall remain unchanged, 

" Your's devotedly, 

" Claudius." 

" Dear Claudius !" broke unconsciously from Georgiana's 
lips, as she finished this peculiarly welcome effusion. " Yes, 
I will endeavour to be happy now ; but where can he be, — 
how is he situated ? How foolish I was to allow the old 
woman to leave without enquiring further ; but if I had done 
so, it is highly probable she would have given me no infor- 
mation ; and, as Claudius appears to wish to remain in secret 
a while, I should do him wrong by endeavouring to pene- 
trate a mystery he wishes should for a time continue." 

Once more she pressed the dear scrawl to her lips, and im- 
pressed, a host of warm kisses on it ; and then opening a 
private drawer in her escritoir, deposited it among rich 
scents and precious relics. 



446 THE RAMBLES OF 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 



" Speak you of joys, or talk of pleasure, 
Which sordid souls, to avarice sold, 
Experience 'midst their hoarded treasure, 
While gazing on their bags of gold? 

Compar'd with her's, — who fondly dreaming 
Of bliss, as hastes her wedding-day, — 

Their's is distress— a bliss hut seeming ; 
"While her's is rapture, — ecstacy!" 

Langhorne. 

" Why, what in the name of wonder has taken place within 
this last four-and-twenty hours?" ohserved the Duchess, as 
the party surrounded the breakfast-table, on the following 
morning. " Something, I am positive, has occurred, which 
more than ordinarily interests Miss Fidget." 

44 That interests me!" returned that lady, — really doing that 
for once which she had frequently, on former occasions, at- 
tempted to do, but failed to accomplish, — deeply blushing ; 
— " What can your Grace imagine has taken place ?" 

" Why, the question is a fair one," returned the Duchess, 
" and challenges a fair reply. I'll double the bet with Sir 
Marmaduke, if he'll take the odds, which I made with Dr. 
Titheum, touching a certain important matter, that he has 
popped the question — to — " 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed the Knight, " your Grace 
challenges like a hero, — you do, 'pon my honour." 

" But does Sir Marmaduke, like a hero, boldly accept the 
challenge ?" rejoined the Duchess. 

" Now really, my dear Duchess !" exclaimed Miss Fidget, 
— " What is it you mean ?" 

" A straight-forward question again," returned the Duchess, 
" and it shall have a kindred answer, — I mean — " 

" Now, 'pon my honour," interrupted Sir Marmaduke. 
" your Grace must excuse, — that is — " " My dear Miss Fid- 
get, you are spilling your tea." 

" Now, I appeal to Lord Dash wood, and to you, Dr. 
Titheum, without excepting you, my dear Georgians if I 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 447 

have done more ; nay, even so much, — than echo to certain 
questions by certain persons proposed." 

" Ha I ha 1 ha \" hurst from both the gentlemen to whom 
the appeal had been made, at the broad humour displayed by 
the Duchess, and the evident confusion which suffused with 
blushes the faces of Sir Marmaduke and Miss Fidget. 

"What say you?" continued the Duchess, addressing the 
same party; — " Guilty, or not guilty :" 

" Guilty," broke from each of the gentlemen's lips ; while 
Georgiana sighed 'deep, but not loud/ and felt she too was 
guilty — of loving Claudius to distraction. 

" Ton my honour I" said Sir Marmaduke, recovering him- 
self in a measure, and in the same degree joining in the 
Duchess's pleasantry, — ** I suppose, Miss Fidget, that as our 
case has been thus summarily dealt with, it will be as well, in 
order that the ends of justice may be answered, that we make 
a free, true, and full confession, — I do, 'pon my honour." 

" What have we to confess, Sir Marmaduke ?" enquired 
Miss Fidget. — " I really am not aware that we are guilty of 
any — " 

" Certainly not," observed Dashwood, in a tone of Attic 
jocularity; — " Ceitainly not, my dear friend ; we acquit Miss 
Fidget of all participation in the guilt of a certain action, 
which on strong presumptive evidence has been proved to 
have taken place between Sir Marmaduke Varney and the 
said Miss Fidget; and convict her merely of listening atten- 
tively to certain statements made by the said Sir Marmaduke 
Varney, and at the time feeling high gratification at the 
propositions of which Sir Marmaduke has not so much as 
attempted a proof of being innocent." 

"Ton my honour!" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, laughing 
heartily ; — " your Lordship's gallantry in so completely ex- 
culpating the lady, i? only equalled by your unparalleled in- 
genuity. I do confess that I have been bold enough to 
implore Mi^s Fidget to make me happy — " 

"And, of course," interrupted the Duchess, "Miss Fid- 
get, in the overflowing goodness of her heart, has consented 
on certain understood conditions, not necessary now to be 
named, — to do so." 

" Ton my honour," returned the Knight, "'your Grace is 
always infallibly correct in your judgment : like an angel in 
another sphere, she has condescended to lend a propitious ear 
to my petition, and has consented to take me under her spe- 
cial patronage." 



448 THE RAMBLES OF 

" In a very short time, I presume and hope ?" observed 
Dashwood. 

" Just so, 'pon my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke. 

" Aye, to be sure," returned the Duchess, chuckling with 
delight. " Now where, I should like to know, was the ne- 
cessity for all this humming and haing ; — why not at once 
say : ' Friends all, wish us joy ; or, joy with us in the joy we 
feel ; — the days of our miserable single loneliness are about 
to close : at the end of one week we summon each and every 
one of you to meet us at our bridal banquet/ — Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Why, bless you," continued her sportive Grace, u I knew 
the meaning of your bright and smiling eyes the moment I 
saw them ; and unless my calculations are as erroneous as 
the speculations of a weather almanack-maker, the walk ot 
his Lordship and the doctor, last evening, was far from an 
unpleasant one." 

" Whew!" thought the doctor, wincing, — "What's coming 
now ?" 

" The walks of Bath," said Dashwood, " can scarcely fail 
to afford pleasure." 

" No more can some of the ladies in Bath," returned the 
Duchess ; and then humming a few lines from an old ballad, 
she continued, — 

" A little bird whispered a tale in mine ear, 

Listen to me, listen to me ; — 
Who though silent as death, — unseen was near- 
Love's ecstacies to hear and see. 
The moon above was bright ; 
Each lover's heart was light, 
And no rough blast howl'd rudely by. 
Their ey es a language spoke 
Though neither silence broke, 
Which told they lov'd right tenderly." 

" Ton my honour, doctor," observed Sir Marmaduke, 
" there appear to be more secrets than one in the world ; 
perhaps your Lordship can explain." - 

" Oh certainly, certainly," returned Dashwood, who was 
never taken aback in affairs of this nature ; " nothing more 
easy. Her Grace begins to tremble for her wager, — nothing 
more — " 

" And not without good cause either," remarked the 
Duchess, looking most significantly at the doctor. 

" I shall be happy to be empowered to call upon your 
Grace for the wine at the time Sir Marmaduke has referred 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 440 

to," observed the doctor ; " but I fear the forfeit will be 
mine to pay. However/' he added, " I'll do my best, and 
until I am fully beaten, will not fully despair." 5 

u Ton my honour, doctar," observed Sir Marmaduke, 
u you have illuminated me marvellously, — you have, 'pon 
my honour ; — but how her Grace," continued the Knight, 
" has obtained certain information, — as it appears beyond the 
shadow of a doubt she has, — completely confounds me, — it 
does, 'pon my honour." 

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the Duchess, as heartily as any 
lady that ever cried, "FishO!" from Billingsgate. "Why, 
bless you, Sir Marmaduke, did you not know that I keep up 
an uninterrupted intercourse with the court of the patron 
and queen of sighing swains and melting maidens r You 
surely did not imagine that I foreswore all right and privi- 
lege to such society when I condescended, — as you would very 
properly say, — to take the falcon Knight under my patron- 
age ; — no, no, I assure you ; my interest has thereby in- 
creased rather than diminished. But a truce to jesting," 
continued her Grace ; " I know as much about the business 
As is necessary ; and that my information is correct, you at- 
tempt not to deny, — how I obtained my knowledge, 

1 It little boots, ray friends, to know ; 
But the great teacher, Time, may show. J n 

" That your Grace's information is very extensive," ob- 
served Georgiana, who until now had remained a silent list- 
ener, " every one must allow ; still there are secrets which 
even your communicative informants have not revealed to 
you." 

" Of that, my dear," returned the Duchess, " there can be 
no question, so long as I remain ignorant of the cause that 
has thrown sadness into a spirit which, until recently, might 
have been received as a faithful counterpart of Momus him- 
self." 

Georgiana bit her lips, and more than half wished she 
had perforated her tongue ere she had spoken so unadvisedly 
as she had done ; — her feelings for the moment triumphed 
over her judgment ; — a case, by the bye, of no very singular 
or uncommon occurrence among young ladies of a certain 
age and under certain peculiar circumstances ; but which, 
nevertheless, seldom produces other consequences than those 
of sorrow and regret. 



450 THE RAMBLES OF 

It is a known fact, that Georgiana had been influenced by 
a desire to learn if the Duchess, in the extensiveness and 
variety of her knowledge on points connected with courtship 
and matrimony, possessed any information relative to Clau- 
dius, touching his departure from the Hotel, and present 
place of residence. No sooner, however, had the words, — 
which she had intended as a feeler, — escaped her lips, than 
she felt she had done wrong in permitting them to do so : 
she consoled herself, however, with the assurance that the 
Duchess was not in possession of her secret. 

Carlo, the immortal Carlo, happily relieved Miss Titheum 
from a slight embarrassment, into which her own foolish ob- 
servation, and the Duchess's reply, had thrown her ; for at 
this very instant the attention of all present was suddenly 
caught away from every thing else than master Carlo's viola- 
tion of the rules of good breeding. 

We intend not to insinuate that there is any thing extra- 
ordinary in a puppy's behaving rudely, because such things are 
of every day occurrence, — puppies, in the form of gentlemen 
even, swarm around us, who, in instances of the most flagrant 
order, prove themselves but " brutes o' their breed." Every 
day's Police report presents fresh instances of ill-mannered 
puppyism ; while, either because they are puppies, or because 
they are genteel puppies, the heavy pains and penalties with 
which puppies of under character would be visited, are made 
to fall with lighter influence upon them ; — the dispensers of 
the law treat their semi-rabid compeers with all befitting 
lenity ; but, as Byron once said, in reference to Coleridge's 
" Lines to a Young Ass," 

* ■ A fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind." 

But, as we have stated, Miss Fidget's dear Carlo, without 
either merit or blame on his part, did, by a* freak of his fancy, 
relieve Georgiana from distressing embarrassment, by sud- 
denly leaping from the soft warm lap of his devoted mistress 
upon the breakfast-table ; by which action he not only de- 
ranged the tea and coffee paraphernalia, but demolished seve- 
ral pieces of valuable china. 

"Carlo, my dear Carlo !" shouted Miss Fidget,— " What 
are you doing ?" 

" What has he not done?" reiterated Dashwood. 

" Yelp ! yelp ! yelp!" returned the brute, as the hot water 
annoyed his tender face ; and then, without waiting for a 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 451 

pressing invitation from Miss Fidget to return, he bounded 
back to his snug reposing place, as if nothing had occurred, 
save and except that his shaggy extremities were dripping 
wet ; but which slight inconvenience was soon arranged by 
the application of his mistress's cambric to his saturated parts. 

"My poor dear Carlo !" exclaimed Miss Fidget, pressing 
him at the same time to her heaving bosom ; — " How uncom- 
fortable you have made yourself. It will be next to a mira- 
cle, Sir Marmaduke," she added, turning to that gentleman, 
" if he does not take a dreadful cold from this accident." 

" 'Pon my honour," returned the Knight, H he has given 
me a warming ; I'm sure I trembled in every joint of me, 
lest my feet should experience a fresh scalding, — I did, 'pon 
my honour." 

" I think," whispered Dashwood to Sir Marmaduke, " the 
best thing we can do for the nasty brute, will be to make 
him into a pie for your bride elect ; — what think you to have 
him served up as a treat of novel and extraordinary charac- 
ter on your wedding-day — eh ? I'll do the thing." 

" Hush !" returned the Knight ; " if a whisper of your 
murderous design was to reach Miss Fidget's ear, I should 
be disappointed in my sanguine expectation, — I should, 'pon 
my honour." 

" Why, much as the lady wishes to become a bride," re- 
turned Dashwood, " I think with you, Sir Marmaduke, she 
would sacrifice such a superior lord, even as yourself will 
make, to her devoted attachment for Carlo, and give up a 
husband for a poodle." 

" Ton my honour," whispered the Knight, " the conclu- 
sion to which you so readily come is a singular, but, I be- 
lieve, no less correct one ; — but no matter, let me secure the 
main chance, and then boil, or bake, or roast, or stew, Carlo 
as you will, and I'll not thwart the volatile whim of your 
Lordship." 

" By the bye," observed the Duchess, " what has become 
of our smart little Claudius ?" 

" What's in a name ?— That which we call a rose, 
By any other name would smell as sweet." 

So said Miss Juliet, of Veronean celebrity; — and, certainly, 
so far as a rose or any other flower is concerned, she said 
true, — a change of name would not affect the scent : 

" The fragrant violot still would perfume shed, 
Though deadly nightshade were the name it bore." 



452 THE RAMBLES OF 

But in a name there is an importance, — a magic, — an influ- 
ence of mighty character. Miss Georgiana felt all this at 
the mention of Claudius's name by the Duchess — her colour 
went and came with rapid, alternation; while a nervous tre- 
mour spread over her whole frame to such an extent, as, in 
all probability, no other name would or could have occa- 
sioned. 

The doctor was not quite ready with a reply to the 
Duchess's question ; and, therefore, her Grace continued, — 
" I have taken a fancy to Claudius, doctor, and feel inclined 
to make an overture for his services, supposing you would 
not object to part with him, and he felt no reluctance to 
change situations." 

" I am not able to reply to your Grace's proposition/' 
stammered the doctor ; u you had better, perhaps, see the 
youth, and make your own proposals to him. I can assure 
you, I shall feel most happy to meet, so far as I can, your 
Grace's wishes." 

Whether the room had suddenly become surcharged with 
heat, or whether from any other unexplained cause, is not 
necessary for the chronicler of these events to determine ; — 
certain it is, however, that Georgiana experienced a difficulty 
in breathing to a very painful extent, as the conversation thus 
abruptly terminated. Her hopes, which had been sanguine, 
of hearing some further particulars concerning Claudius, 
were suddenly destroyed. The particular cause of his leaving 
the Hotel, and whether his departure had been voluntary or 
otherwise — to what extent her papa was concerned in it — 
where he was now residing, and if a chance existed of soon 
seeing him, — were points upon which she expected to have 
received satisfactory information ; but alas ! the doctor's 
quaintness put a termination to further converse on the mat- 
ter, and threw her an immense distance back into the regions 
of perplexity, and on the precincts of despair. 

The Duchess, as has been seen, had caused most of the 
party to run the gauntlet of her raillery and wit to such an 
extent, that the eggs stood untouched and the ham uneaten ; 
while sundry other dainty nic-nacs, calculated and intended 
to coax their delicate appetites, had been changed half a 
dozen times, and still they remained cold and spoiled, in con- 
sequence of the attention of the company being so com- 
pletely pre-engaged by her facetious Grace. 

Once more the Duchess was on the point of hurling her 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 453 

satirical shaft at the doctor, when he was mercifully delivered 
from the intended sore infliction by the entrance of a servant, 
who stated that a gentleman below requested an immediate 
interview with his reverence, on business of great importance. 
" So I" said the doctor ; — "What kind of a person is this 
gentleman — eh :" 

" A real gentleman, Sir," replied the servant, as he turned 
over a half-crown in his trowsers pocket, which he had re- 
ceived to make the announcement. 

" Indeed !" said the doctor, with doubtful cadence ; whose 
mind involuntarily turned to a real gentleman, whom he had 
had any thing but the pleasure of meeting before at Havant 
and Corsham. Confident, however, that he should never 
again become the " dupe," as he termed it, of rogues and 
vagabonds, he directed the servant to show the gentleman 
into his sitting-room ; to which, — after making a suitable 
apology for leaving the breakfast-table, — he immediately 
walked. 

There certainly must be something not common to other 
seats, in a great arm-chair ; as also, in a dignified and im- 
posing attitude assumed ; or unquestionably such things, — 
like large wigs with many tails, — would not be so much de- 
lighted in as they without question are, by certain dignitaries 
in the clerical and legal professions. 

Dr. Titheum, beyond all question, delighted in a roomy 
imposing-looking chair, in which he could with perfect ease 
disport his capacious body : hence one had been, by special 
desire, placed in his sitting-room. 

Scarcely had the doctor thrown himself, on the present 
occasion, into the said imposing-looking seat, and properly 
adjusted his garments, and his limbs, and his wig, before the 
door of the apartment opened, and the servant ushered in 
the already referred-to gentleman. 

In person, the stranger was of rather small dimensions ; 
but there was such a perfect symmetry in all his parts that the 
doctor at once felt prepossessed in his favour. His eyes were 
sharp and penetrating, yet, as restless as a man's might be 
supposed to be who expected, every moment to be, — what by 
most persons will be understood, — " tapped upon the shoul- 
der." His dress was in the very height of the fashion; albeit, 
a close inspector of that respectable fraternity that occupy 
both sides of a long street in the vicinity of Tower Hill, — 
'yclept " Rag Fair," — would at once have declared they were 



154 THE RAMBLES OP 

not quite as <c good as new, 5 ' — but then, his address was case 
itself. Every muscle of his countenance, as well as every 
member of his body, appeared to be influenced according to 
the expressions he was uttering. He was neither stiff nor 
formal, — as though he had been a mere cast-iron sort of man, 
— on the one hand ; neither did he, on the other, display the 
attitudes, or make the grimaces of one upon whom a power- 
ful galvanic shock was operating ; but, as has been inti- 
mated, he was " free and easy," and " evidently at home" 
with his company. 

" I have the honour," said the stranger, drawing his right 
foot from the ancle of forty-five, and bending his body with 
graceful gravity. — " I have the honour of addressing the Rev. 
Dr. Titheum, if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" That is my name, Sir," returned the doctor, evidently 
pleased with the respectful and graceful manner of the visitor. 

'* And," continued the stranger, with another profound in- 
clination of his body, " a magistrate for the county of Hants, 
if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" I have the honour to be in the { commission of the peace,' 
Sir, and very much at your service," said the doctor, elevat- 
ing at the same time his head, and extending his elbows;, 
while a " hem" of dignified accent accompanied the action. 

" I am an entire stranger to your worship," observed the 
gentleman, '• if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" I have not the pleasure of recollecting you, Sir," re- 
turned the doctor, — "May I enquire—" 

" True, true; very true, Sir, — if I am not very greatly mis- 
taken," interrupted the visitor. " However, Sir, your name, 
character, and official celebrity, are known to myself. I have 
long been an admirer of your learning, piety, and bene- 
volence." 

" Hem !" said the doctor, to whom the essence of flattery 
was as pleasant to his brain as an Olympus-formed pile of 
Arabian spices would have been to his olfactory organs. 

u It is so, Sir, I solemnly protest, if I am not greatly mis- 
taken," rejoined the stranger. 

" I beg your pardon, Sir," said the doctor, starting from 
his chair, — " Pray be seated, Sir." 

The stranger, who until now had stood bowing before his 
worship, with as much readiness as if he had for half a cen- 
tury been a close student of Chesterfield's sage admonitions, 
immediately did as the doctor requested ; which having done, 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 455 

he observed, — " You are, Sir, if I am not greatly mistaken, 
an enlightened and liberal patron of the arts — and — " 

" You are correct, Sir," returned the doctor hastily ; " I 
feel proud to give, when I can, a helping hand to genius ; 
though the truth is, unfortunately, we have but little of true 
genius in the present day ; although I am happy at the rapid 
advancement which our country is making in every thing 
great, good, and useful. 5 ' 

•'Indeed I" thought the stranger; not being able exactly 
to reconcile the different parts of the doctor's observations. 
However, he said nothing, and the doctor proceeded. 

" May I have the honour of being made acquainted with, 
the name of the gentleman whose knowledge of myself is so 
extensive?" "and whose flattery," he might have added, 
'* is so highly agreeable." 

" Oh ! my dear Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons," returned 
the visitor, " for my remissness in not presenting my card 
before ; but you will excuse it, if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" Don't mention it, Sir," replied the doctor, as he received 
the presented card, upon which was engraved, " R. "W. B. S. 
Rackbrain, F.R.S., L.L.D., &c. 

" That will be satisfactory," observed Mr. Rackbrain, as 
the doctor surveyed the card attentively, " if I am not greatly 
mistaken." 

" Oh, perfectly so, Sir, — perfectly so," returned the doctor. 

" Now, Sir," observed Mr. Rackbrain, "as to the object 
of my visit ; — you will allow me to state it, if I am not greatly 
mistaken." 

M I shall consider myself favoured, Sir, by the communi- 
cation," answered the doctor. 

" Well then, Doctor Titheum," observed the Fellow of the 
" Royal Society, &c. &c," with great gravity, and laying par- 
ticular emphasis on his reverence's honorary title, " I flatter 
myself I have done perfectly right in what I have done, — in- 
deed, I am confident of it, if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" I cannot question it," responded the doctor. 

" I have, Dr. Titheum," continued Mr. Rackbrain, "passed 
by a host of noble and illustrious personages to wait upon 
yourself." 

" I feel honoured, Sir," said the doctor. 

" I could lay before you, Dr. Titheum," added Mr. Rack- 
brain, taking, as he spoke, a large bundle of letters from his 
pocket, which were confined by a piece of red tape. — " I could 



456 THE RAMBLES OF 

lay before you, Dr. Titheum, a host of letters from men who 
lay claim to titles and honours which, if I am not greatly 
mistaken, their thick heads never won. Men, Sir," conti- 
nued the academician, warming as he proceeded, " who, 
through the interest of interested friends and a few pounds, 
have procured D.D.'s, and M.A.'s, and F. R. S.'s, but who 
never knew how to write a line of good English, or possessed 
the ability to construe a single passage in Tacitus, Ovid, or 
Livy; and are as ignorant of the cosmogony or creation of 
the world, as a Dutch boor, or a Russian serf. But, Sir/' 
added Rackbrain, " if I am not greatly mistaken, I am stray- 
ing from the point — " 

" I beg you will make no apology, Sir," observed the doc- 
tor; " your correct view, and clear statement of things, 
charm me." 

" Well, Sir, as I was saying." resumed Mr. Rackbrain, 
" these men have requested, petitioned I might say, to have 
the honour of that which I am certain Dr. Titheum alone 
merits." 

" Sir!" exclaimed the doctor, elevated beyond all bounds 
at the compliment of the "Fellow of the Royal Society;" as 
well as delighted with the profundity of his learning, without 
understanding the fecundity of his wit — "you over-rate my 
poor abilities." 

" Excuse me, Sir," returned Mr. Rackbrain, " I greatly 
under-rate them, if I am not greatly mistaken." 

"And pray, Sir," enquired the doctor, " what may be the 
nature of the honour you have so handsomely reserved for 



me 



;>" 



" It is no honour at all, Sir," replied Mr. Rackbrain, " if 
I am not greatly mistaken ; : — it is merely what your distin- 
guished abilities claim, and what will receive an honour from, 
rather than confer honour upon you." 

" Indeed !" said Dr. Titheum, in an ecstacy. 

" I have, it is well known. Sir, in the higher circles," con- 
tinued Mr. Rackbrain, " invented a writing fluid of unheard- 
of and invaluable properties ; and which to Divines, Magis- 
trates, and Schoolmasters, will be an inestimable treasure. 
Indeed, Sir, without vanity I may say, its advantages will be 
felt. by the whole world. I am about to establish a company 
in shares of twenty pounds each, to be denominated, ' The 
Newly Invented and Incomparable Writing Fluid Joint Stock 
Company,' of which, Sir, I wish you to become the patron." 



J 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 457 

" Sir," replied Titheum, M I fear you are pressing an ho- 
nour upon me I do not deserve/' 

" My dear doctor," returned the inventor of the incompa- 
rable writing fluid, "allow me to say, you alone are worthy 
to fill the office. Here," he continued, as he unrolled along 
paper, "is a list of distinguished personages, at the head of 
which I shall have the gratification of placing your name, if 
I am not greatly mistaken." 

Such a splendid galaxy of dignity and talent was not fre- 
quently seen as that upon which the doctor now gazed, to 
stand at the head of which afforded more pleasure to the 
mind of him in the "commission of the peace/ than to have 
been placed at the head of one thousand times the number 
on a battle-field ; although as celebrated as any which either 
ancient or modern history records. 

" I shall be proud to stand associated with such a list of 
worthies," said the doctor. " Perhaps you will oblige me 
with a brief description of the peculiar properties of your in- 
comparable writing fluid?" 

" Undoubtedly," returned Mr. Rackbrain ; " I shall feel 
pleasure in so doing. From its peculiar properties and, — if 
I am not greatly mistaken, — I might say, magic character, it 
will save an incalculable measure of trouble and time. Our 
divines, whose time, — as you well know, doctor, — is so much 
engaged by a variety of innocent and necessary engagements, 
— such as a hunt now and then, and a race occasionally ; or 
upon whose shoulders the weighty concerns of magisterial 
matters are made to press, so heavily as to leave neither time 
nor inclination to compose sermons, — such, I say, will only 
have to dip a common pen into my fluid, and then hold the 
nib of the said pen to paper, and discourses of the most or- 
thodox character, in language of the most beautiful construc- 
tion, will flow forth without the labour of thought or the pos- 
session of knowledge." 

"Wonderful!" exclaimed the doctor. 

"You will say so, Sir," responded the inventor, "when 
you have proved it, if I am not greatly mistaken." 

" Undoubtedly I shall," said the divine. 

" The numerous errors in theology, which are now so 
flagrant," resumed Rackbrain, " and the barbarous style of 
composition which is now so common among the professors 
of our colleges, and the candidates for a mitre, will by my 
fluid be completely removed ; while magistrates who are as 



458 THE RAMBLES OP 

ignorant of the jurisprudence of our country as Laplanders, 
or Chinese mandarins, — will merely have to adopt the pro- 
cess I have already named, and verdicts, plain, prompt, and 
correct, will be seen on the paper." 

u Wonderful !" again shouted the doctor. 

" It is true, on my honour/' returned Mr. Rackbrain. 
" You will perceive at once, doctor, how many false impri- 
sonments, which ignorance and misconception have occa- 
sioned, will be prevented by my incomparable writing fluid " 

" I perceive it quite clearly," said the doctor. 

" Bless me !" exclaimed Mr. Rackbrain, as he looked at 
his gold repeater ; — " My time is gone ; I have to call next 
upon the Right Hon. Lord Dondoodle, whose name will fol- 
low yours, doctor." 

The doctor took the hint, which Mr. Rackbrain evidently 
intended for him, and observed, — " I suppose, as president 
of this e Joint Stock Company,' I must prove my admira- 
tion of the invention, and I shall do so most heartily. I in- 
tend to take three shares, — shall I give you a cheque on my 
banker, or — " 

" That will do, Sir," replied the inventor, " if you make it 
payable at sight." 

" Certainly," returned Dr. Titheum ; and taking the pen 
to write an order payable at sight for sixty pounds, which 
Mr. Rackbrain received with a becoming expression of obli- 
gation, &c, and safely deposited in his pocket-book. 

It was a singular circumstance that the doctor did not 
think of trying the incomparable writing fluid, when writing 
the cheque ; in the hurry of his elated feelings, however, it 
escaped him, and the inventor himself was evidently too 
modest to press it upon him. 

" By th£ bye," observed the doctor, as Mr. Rackbrain was 
bowing from the room, — u I had forgotten, — I have two or 
three friends in another room ; suppose you wait upon them, 
they will gladly take shares, I'm certain." 

" If I am not greatly mistaken," returned the Fellow of 
the Royal Society, " I must leave with all possible haste, — 
my time is already gone." 

" I am sorry for it," said the doctor ; " however, I'll ma- 
nage it for you : you are about to make a call, you stated, — 
where shall we be able to send to you in, — say half an hour?" 

"Where?" responded Mr. Rackbrain, — " If I am not 
greatly mistaken, I shall then be with his lordship at the 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 459 

White Hart Tavern. Good morning, Sir," and with as 
much alertness as if he had himself been a hart, he bounded 
away. 

The doctor re-joined his friends in the breakfast-room, and 
with a short preface informed them of the w r onderful disco- 
very into the secret of which he had just been initiated. The 
intention of the inventor to form a joint stock company, and 
the dignity to which himself was to be raised, formed ample 
occasion for the exercise of all the eloquence he possessed ; 
but when he announced the amount of each share, and pressed 
Dashwood and Sir Marmaduke to take shares with all possi- 
ble despatch, his Lordship burst into a loud laugh, and ex- 
claimed,—" Excellent ! — superlatively excellent ! — Did you 
ever," he continued, appealing to the Knight, " Did you 
ever hear a better hoax than this which the doctor wishes to 
play upon us ?" 

" Never, 'pon my honour," replied Sir Marmaduke. 

" Upon the honour of a gentleman," resumed the doctor, 
who began to think they questioned his statements, " I am 
not attempting to hoax you; — I have taken three shares 
myself, for which I have given a cheque upon my banker for 
sixty pounds." 

" Ton my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke ; " Are 
you indeed not jesting ?" 

"Not I, indeed," replied the doctor. "The invention is 
most wonderful." 

" If you are not attempting to hoax us," replied Dash- 
wood, "you are regularly hoaxed yourself, and no mistake." 
"What thinks your Grace ?" he continued, appealing to the 
Duchess. 

" The doctor's done brown," replied her Grace, laconically. 

" If you will allow me, doctor," said Dashwood, " I'll 
prove to you, in less than ten minutes, you are hoaxed." 

" Indeed !" said the doctor, most, incredulously, — " By 
what means, pray ?" 

" Simply by sending a servant to the White Hart with an 
enquiry how long Lord Dondoodle, — who, by the bye, I 
never before heard of, — has been there ; and to request that 
Mr. Rackbrain would favour us with his company." 

" Good 1" said the doctor ; " Let it be so ; and will you 
promise to take a share each if I am correct ?" 

" I'll pledge myself to take half-a-dozen," replied Dash- 
wood. 



460 THE RAMBLES OF 

" And I," said the Duchess, " will engage for half a score." 

A servant was despatched to make the enquiries suggested 
by Dashwood ; and in a few minutes he returned, stating that 
no person of the name either of Dondoodle or Rackbrain 
had ever been at the White Hart. 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, "you are 
regularly done, doctar." 

" I begin to think I am," returned his reverence. 

Lord Dashwood suggested the propriety of sending off ex- 
press to his banker to stop the payment of the cheque, and 
detain the person who might present it. The doctor saw the 
propriety of the advice, and accordingly adopted it ; while 
the ladies withdrew to their apartments for the purpose of 
making arrangements for their morning's wa]k; 



CHAPTER XXXV. 

Arnago. Is't but the coinage of your fertile brain, 
Bearing the show and mimicing of truth, 
Without its substance ;— or but an idle tale 
By tongues of gossips forg'd and vended too 1 

Alphida. No, it has the voucher of these eyes and ears ; — 
I gaz'd upon it,— though at first I deem'd 
'Twas but a phantasy of fever'd sleep. 
I heard the rating of one noisy dame ; 
The laughing merriment which the other felt ; 
And pitied, from my soul, he who. was wed, 
And scarcely less tne one prepar'd io be so." 

The Double Paib. 

Arbouzim, the Wise, at that period of life when most men 
feel the greatest love to the world, fled from its false joys and 
positive sorrows, to seek after permanent happiness in soli- 
tude, meditation, and prayer. He lived as most misanthro- 
pists do, but was not one himself. He loved and sympa- 
thized with his fellow-men, and ever felt happy when by his 
counsel or assistance he could alleviate the wretchedness or 
add to the comfort of any. 

Multitudes flocked, at different times, to Arbouzim's 
lonely retreat, for the purpose of seeking instruction — among 
others Gunoy, the Unfortunate, repaired thither. His eye 
was sunken through care, and premature age rested upon his 
form and features in consequence of sorrow. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 461 

" My son," said Arbouzim, as he met him, " wherefore 
are you sad ?" 

" My sorrows are multiplied," returned Gunoy. " The 
chief spring from whence I looked for pleasant waters in this 
valley of mourning", has proved but a well of bitterness." 

" Fix your attention on one object alone," said Arbouzim, 
" and even to the sacrifice of all others determine upon its 
possession : for all others possessed without it, will advan- 
tage you nothing ; while with it, although all else desert you, 
happiness will be yours." 

" Name it," cried Gunoy. 

" Peace J" exclaimed Arbouzim, — " Peace at Home !" 

" Enough !" ejaculated Gunoy ; — " I'll return to my habi- 
tation ; and, although my wife is as a well of bitter waters to 
me, for twelve months Til follow your advice, and determine 
to attain, at whatever expense, — peace /" 

Now, we are not sure that Dr. Leechum had ever seen, or 
even heard of, tbe advice of Arbouzim, or the determination 
of Gunoy; but that be possessed the spirit of the latter is 
certain, and appeared closely to follow his determination. 

On the evening, and at the hour that Lady Bolio and Mrs. 
Leechum left the Royal Crescent to fulfil their appointment 
with Dr. Titheum and Lord Dashwood, Dr. Leechum was 
busily engaged in investigating the opposing qualities of dif- 
ferent acids, in order to ascertain by what means the most 
fearful and destructive might be neutralized, so as to be ren- 
dered harmless ; hoping that while so engaged, some fortu- 
nate thought might be given him from his patron saint, by 
which he might understand how to qualify a far worse and 
more destructive poison to men's peace than were the com- 
pounds he was examining to men's lives. 

Having completed his task, without obtaining, however, a 
solution of the latter problem, he descended to the sitting- 
room ; and finding it still empty, he rang the bell and en- 
quired of the servant if her mistress was not yet returned : 
receiving an answer in the negative* he began to feel a degree 
of unpleasantness for which he could not account. He looked 
out upon the scene before him, and perceived the moon was 
already high in the heavens. 

" Where can Lady Bolio and Mrs. Leechum be until this 
hour ?" thought the doctor, — " Surely," he said to himself, 
" Mrs. Leechum cannot be in company with, — oh, no no," 
he cried aloud, as if the thought which had suddenly, like an 



462 THE RAMBLES OF 

erratic flash of lightning, entered his mind, was too horrible 
to dwell upon, — much more give utterance to, " Lady 
Bolio is with her, and all must be well." 

Now the apartment in which the doctor sat, or rather paced 
with hurried step, while engaged in these deep, although by 
no means delightful, cogitations, — commanded a very ex- 
tensive and equally pleasant prospect over the gay city of 
Bath ; together with the wide range of opposite hills which 
formed a species of majestic back- ground to the soft and 
sleeping picture : at the same time, the room was so situated 
as to prevent those who *were within from seeing any one ap- 
proach the house, until within a short distance from it. 

Already the perturbation of the doctor's mind had tended 
to enervate his infirm body ; — he seated himself near the win- 
dow ; and, as if moonstruck, was musing in a melancholy 
state of feeling on the instability of all created things, and 
revelling in that exquisite kind of delight which the thoughts 
of the miseries of matrimony might be supposed to give birth 
to, and especially in the experience of one 

" Who writhed himself beneath the scorpion lash, 
And sighed for change, which but, to think upon, 
Quickened the agony of the pangs he bore ;" 

when, at this well-timed moment, a mysterious-looking figure 

suddenly stood before the window; and, like an ancient 

sybil, muttered some unintelligible sentences in the doctor's 

hearing. 

Although, as we have said, the moon shone brightly, still, 

the deep shadow in which the figure stood, prevented the 

possibility of distinguishing its features ; or, indeed, deter- 

mining with anything like accuracy, by the garments which 

covered it, the sex to which it belonged — or if 

"The sepulchre 
Had ope'd its ponderous and marble jaws 
To cast it up again." 

At the first appearance of the form the doctor started in 
considerable alarm ; but, presently recovering himself, he 
enquired who it was, and what was its business. A few sin- 
gular gestures gave evidence that the interrogations were un- 
derstood ; and then, after pausing a few seconds, 

" It lifted up its head, and did address 
Itself to motion, and began to speak, 

by uttering, in a semi-singing tone, the following reply: — • 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 463 

*• I come not to answer questions now ; 
To be^ or to steal, or to borrow ; 
But true, as if bound by a Palmer's vow, 
To save from disgrace and dishonour 1" 

** Oh ! my prophetic soul !" half uttered the doctor, 
placing himself in a respectful attitude before the " revealer 
of hidden things/' and listening with profound attention, as 
if unwilling to allow a single word to pass by the drum of 
his ear. 

" Listen !" said the figure emphatically. 

" I will," replied the doctor. 

The assurance and manner of the doctor appeared to sa- 
tisfy the mysterious visitant ; and, in the same tone as be- 
fore, it continued — 

"Beware, beware of jealousy ; 
Let prudence be your guide; 
Yet mingle care with courtesy— 
Watch o'er, watch o'er your bride. 
A gay young lord 
Plots ruin abroad ; 
And now, while the moon shines bright, 
A deed may do, 
Which they both may rue : 
Beware, beware !— Good night/', 

" Stay !" exclaimed the doctor, in a high state of excite- 
ment, as the figure appeared about to glide away. 

Whether extreme good nature in the earthly or unearthly 
visitant, or the authoritative tone which the doctor assumed 
on the occasion, produced the effect, we profess not to deter- 
mine ; — but stay the figure did. . As, however, the doctor ap- 
peared too much confused to know why he had detained the 
form, as he said nothing, the figure itself very politely en- 
quired, by observing, — 

" Hastily speak your wish, and say 
Wherefore do you wish my stay? 
What further knowledge would you gain 1 
Speak ! — All I can I will explain." 

" Tell me," cried the doctor, " where is my wife now ?" 
The visitant replied, — 

" That I could, but may not show. 
Who should like a husband know? 
To you belong the joy and duty 
Of watching over wedded beauty.' 5 

" Tell me," continued Leechum, while drops of perspira- 



464 THE RAMBLES OP 

tion, somewhat less than mill-stones, oozed from every pore 
of his agitated body. — " Tell me, mysterious stranger, has 
an assignation to-night taken place between my wife and — " 
The invoked being sent forth, somewhat abruptly, the fol- 
lowing response : — 

" What will it avail to know, 
That which can but heighten woe 1 
Fare thee well! — I now must go. 

Yet ere I depart, 

To lighten your heart, 

One secret I'll tell, 

Take heed to it well. 

Your wife still is true 

To wedlock and you. 

Though airy and light, 

If managed aright, 

She still may be won, 

From ways she should shun. 

The hard task is thine; 

Ther strive to combine 

The husband and lover, 

And never discover 

Ill-temper or spleen ; 

Or jealousy mean. 

Arraign not her will ; 

Her wishes fulfil. 

Of titles beware- 
No more 1 declare. 

Hark !— Footsteps I hear ; 

The ladies are near. 
I shall meet you again 

When the skies are fair. 
So my counsels attend, 

And beware !— beware I" 

So saying, the figure waved its hand, and like a thing of 
air, glided away. 

" This is very mysterious," thought the doctor, as he sunk 
back in the chair which he occupied. " I have done wrong/' 
he added, " in listening to this babbler ; or have I been dream- 
ing ? — No ; I am awake, — wide awake. This strange figure 
must be one of those impudent impostors who infest our 
country, to the injury of the simple and the ruin of the un- 
wary ; — but I am not of that character — no no ; I'll not be 
imposed upon." 

For a few moments the doctor paused, as if lost amidst the 
bewilderings of his own reflections, and then continued : — 
" 'Tis very mysterious ! — This strange Being replied to my 
questions like one who knew more than he felt disposed to 
reveal. ' Of titles beware,' he said ; yet am I not to discover 
'jealousy,' nor to ' oppose her will.' Umph ! — that I have 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 465 

long proved an idle and unprofitable attempt. A woman's 
will, and a bar of steel, are two things very hard to bend." 

The agitation of Leechum's feelings, as he continued to 
think over a variety of things connected with his own expe- 
rience and prospects, became painfully oppressive : he rose 
from his chair, and with a view of tranquillizing his mind, 
traversed the spacious apartment, muttering to himself as he 
did so, — " Of titles beware." 

The seeming cabilistic expression had escaped his lips for 
the twentieth time, when a tremendous knocking at the street- 
door, and a violent pulling at the bell, announced some other 
visitor ; and as the style of announcement would say, — of 
some importance. 

"Who have we now?" thought the doctor, stopping mid- 
way in his walk. His suspense on that head was of short 
duration ; for before he had resumed his walk, the door of 
the apartment opened, and in walked his dear, dear wife, and 
Lady Bolio. 

There the doctor continued to stand, as if deprived of mo- 
tion ; while from his lips the warning words came forth un- 
consciously, — " Of titles beware." 

" Well, I'm sure, Dr. Leechum," observed his gentle 
spouse, " this is a fine welcome ! — is it not? Why, whatever 
do you mean ? — Am I always to be served thus when I return 
home, after making all possible dispatch on business of im- 
portance ?" 

" Dr. Leechum," observed Lady Bolio, in a tone of such 
ineffable sweetness as seemed to indicate the unusual tran- 
quillity, or rather joyousness of her spirit, — u I have a secret 
to tell you." 

" A secret J" exclaimed the doctor, as if that word had 
contained a charm sufficiently strong to break the spell which 
had bound him, and calm his perturbed spirit. " Well, se- 
crets abound now-a-days ; — I should like to hear your Lady- 
ship's vastly." 

" Should you, Sir?" interrupted his sweet lady ; — "Per- 
haps I could tell you a secret you would not like to hear." 

" Indeed, my love," returned the doctor, " then I hope 
you will not reveal it." 

" We have been out, Sir," observed Mrs Leechum. 

" That I am aware of, my love," rejoined the doctor ; 
" there is no secret in that." 

"We have returned again," added the lady, evidently 
x 5 



466 THE RAMBLES OF 

anxious to say something, without knowing what to say, or 
what she wished to say. 

11 Of that, too, I am aware, my love," returned the doctor, 
— " there is no secret in that." 

" Tell me, Dr. Leechum," cried his placid wife ; "ami to 
understand that you intend to insult me by your emphasis?" 

"Oh, by no means, my love," replied the doctor; "I 
would not offend you for the world." 

'*' I suppose not, Sir," rejoined the lady, with sufficient 
asperity of look and tone ; " but a much less thing than a 
world would induce you to do it." 

"Now tell me, my love," said the doctor, in such a tone 
of fondness as might have been sufficient to have won the 
heart of the most obdurate of the softer sex, but which did 
not appear to affect the hard heart of Mrs. Leechum in the 
least degree, — " Tell me, my love, where you have been walk- 
ing this evening ?" 

" Did any one ever hear such rudeness !" exclaimed Mrs. 
Leechum, addressing Lady Bolio, and apparently shocked at 
her husband's want of decorum. — " I shall do no such thing; 
curiosity always implies a suspicious or a mean mind : I 
don't choose to patronize either," she replied. 

" With whom have you been walking, may I enquire, my 
dear ?" enquired Leechum. 

"No, Sir," returned the lady; " that is, — what do you 
mean, Sir? — Monstrous ! — horrible ! — What, Sir 1" she con- 
tinued, almost in a scream, — "What do you mean to insi- 
nuate? — Have I not been in company with Lady Bolio ?" 

" Yes, my love," returned the doctor, " I know you have ; 
but," he thought to himself,-—" * Of titles beware '.' What 
can that mean?" 

" Now, if you'll promise to keep a secret for a little while, 
Dr. Leechum, I'll tell you all about it," said Lady Bolio. 

" In mercy's sake!" shouted Mrs. Leechum, '"' all about 
what, Lady Bolio ?" 

" All about my secret," replied Lady Bolio. — " Don't be 
alarmed, my dear," she added, aside, — " I can keep your 
secret." 

" As you please, Lady Bolio," added Mrs. Leechum, re- 
lieved from a mountain load of alarm. — " But, I think, 
curiosity ought not to be satisfied." 

" Well, Dr. Leechum," continued Lady Bolio, u what say 
you ?" 






CAPTAIN BOLIO. 467 

" I promise you, on the honour of a man of honour/' re- 
plied Leechum, " to keep your secret." 

" Well then," said Lady Bolio, drawing a face of feigned 
sorrow, " I have committed myself, this evening, — sadly 
committed myself." 

" What do I hear I" exclaimed the doctor, trembling from 
head to foot, and expecting to hear a disclosure of things 
touching his own and Mrs. Leechum' s honour. — " What do 
I hear!" he repeated, and the strange figure's mystic words 
rushed into his mind, — 

'* Your wife still is true 
To wedlock and you." 

" Perhaps," he thought. " the Sybil was mistaken ; — it must 
be so." Once more he repeated,— " What do I hear ?" 

" Why/ 5 returned Lady Bolio, with a still sorrowful face, 
" that I have committed myself this evening ; but," she 
added, " you promised to keep my secret." 

" Yes, yes," cried the half distracted doctor, (( I'll keep it 
— that is, — and has Mrs. Leechum committed herself too ?" 

" Not this evening," replied Lady Bolio gravely, — " She 
committed herself some time since." 

" Mrs. Leechum has committed herself,-— has she ?" eja- 
culated the doctor, with a phrenzied air. 

"Me, Sir!" cried the lady ; — "Me committed myself! — 
What do you mean, Sir ? — Did you ever know me to commit 
myself? — Have I not always behaved in the most exemplary 
manner? — Oh ! you cruel man !" 

" Now, will you hear my penitential confession ?" enquired 
Lady Bolio. 

" I am anxious to hear it," replied the doctor; ""most 
anxious." 

" Well then," said Lady Bolio, " as I before said, — so I 
again state, — I have committed myself this evening, — I have 
allowed myself to be persuaded, — aye, Dr. Leechum/' con- 
tinued her Ladyship, " you may well stare, while you hear 
me, at my time of life, make such a humiliating confession, — 
I have allowed myself to be persuaded to promise once more 
to enter into a matrimonial connexion." 

" And is that all ?" asked Leechum, gasping for breath ; 
— " Is that all, Lady Bolio ?" 

u Is that all?" responded her Ladyship ; " and is not that 
sufficient, think you, doctor?" 



468 THE RAMBLES OP 

" Of titles beware," thought Leechum. — "This, then, is 
what the strange Being referred to ; — he has mistaken Lady 
Bolio for Mrs. Leechum. Oh, it is plain, — I see it all. A 
matrimonial engagement." At length he exclaimed, — " Well, 
well, Lady Bolio, I am happy to hear it ; and, I presume, 
with Lord Dashwood !" for the doctor was ignorant that 
Dash wood had already committed himself, — in a matrimonial 
engagement. 

"No such thing, I assure you," interrupted Mrs. Leechum. 
" With Lord Dashwood, indeed ! Why with Lord Dash- 
wood pray, Sir ?" 

" And why not, my love ?" enquired Leechum. 

" Because I should not ap — that is," stammered out the 
lady, — " he has too much respect for — pshaw !" she added, 
" howprovokingly inquisitive you are; — because he is mar- 
ried already." 

" Whew !" cried the doctor, — " Is he so ? — I beg his Lord- 
ship's pardon, my love ; — but with whom, then, is it that 
Lady Bolio has committed herself in the way she has stated ?" 

" What do you say to Dr. Titheum ?" asked Lady Bolio. 

" Dr. Titheum !" shouted Leechum ; — " Why, the very 
man ; a better choice could not have been made — admirable! 
Lord Dashwood is not a patch upon him, — I would rather 
see you married to Dr. Titheum's little finger, than Lord 
Dashwood's whole body." 

" Oh ! you insensible, degrading monster !" shouted Mrs. 
Leechum. 

"What, in the name of wonder, do you mean, my dear 
love ?" asked Leechum ; " I merely hinted my opinion — 
nothing more ; — I may be wrong, I confess it." 

" Wrong indeed !" said his lady, with emphasis. "Oh, 
the taste of some people !" 

" Well, I am happy to hear you approve my choice, Dr. 
Leechum," observed Lady Bolio, evidently anxious to pre- 
vent Mrs. Leechum from letting her own secret out. 

u I do most heartily approve it," rejoined Leechum. 
" But how came it about this evening, — is it not rather a 
sudden thing ?" 

" Aye ; there it is," said his sweet lady ; " there it is, — 
ever prying into secrets with which he can have no possible 
business." 

" I merely enquired, my love," returned her placid lord, 
" for the purpose of hinting — " 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 469 

" Oh, how I abhor those abominable and everlasting hint-' 
ings I" shouted Mrs. Leechum. — " I tell you, Dr. Leechum, 
we met the doctor this evening." 

" No, love, you did not ; — indeed, dear, you didn't," re- 
turned her spouse, trembling at her kindling eye. " Until 
this moment you have not so much as mentioned the meet- 
ing, I assure you, love." 

" Well, if I did not before, I have done so now, and that is 
sufficient," replied Mrs. Leechum. 

" Oh, quite so, love, — quite so," returned the doctor. 

" Well, so it was, Dr. Leechum," resumed Lady Bolio ; 
" we met the doctor ; and, as I have stated, I have positively 
accepted him ; and, I suppose shall, before many years, cease 
to be Lady Bolio." 

" Delightful !" exclaimed the doctor. — " Many years, say 
you ? — aye, before many days, I should hope : I do not ap- 
prove of protracted engagements ; and particularly at a cer- 
tain age." 

" One would imagine not," interrupted Mrs. Leechum ; 
" and, therefore, it was, that you were so killingly pressing 
to secure me. Heigho ! Fool that I was ! — If I had calcu- 
lated upon consequences better, I should now have been,— 
but the sacrifice is made, and the subject will not bear reflec- 
tion, — it positively will not. I must think of something 
else, or Dr. Leechum's cruelty will drive me mad." 

" Think, my love, of being Lady Bolio's bridesmaid," said 
Leechum, soothingly ; " and think, too, in what way I can 
meet your wishes to make you happy, and I will do it." 

" I have no doubt of it, Sir," returned the lady ; M so you 
said before I resigned my liberty ; and you have kept your 
word, have you not ? — I must and will have my own will, 
Dr. Leechum." 

"So you shall, my love," returned her husband; "and 
allow me to hint, that — " 

" I'll have no more hints," said Mrs. Leechum, with a 
little vehemence. " Shall we retire, Lady Bolio, and throw 
off some of our dress, and, if possible, escape being hinted at?" 

"With all my heart, love," replied her Ladyship, and 
they accordingly withdrew. 

Leechum felt his mind considerably relieved by Lady 
Bolio's statement; although he still feared there was some- 
thing at which the dark expressions of the singular visitant 
had hinted, which related to Mrs. Leechum, not yet ex* 



470 THE RAMBLES OP 

plained. He thought, however, that no better plan could be 
pursued by him, than to allow Mrs. Leechum to follow, un- 
restrained, her own wayward fancies ; and meet, so far as he 
could, her unbending will ; and by so doing, strive to win her 
to himself. Having so determined in his own mind, he 
waited the return of the ladies, hoping to learn more from 
Lady Bolio, respecting his wife and her Ladyship's approach- 
ing marriage. 



CHAPTER XXXVI. 

" The secret is out ! 

All mystery is over ; 
The news spreads about; 

All plainly discover, 
What none until now- 
Had even once thought on — 
That chance, — nothing more, — 
A marriage had brought on." 

Mystekies made plain. 

We are not aware that a satisfactory reason has yet been 
given for the singular and instantaneous manner with which 
some persons have been gifted with an extraordinary measure 
of penetration, who before could scarcely comprehend by 
what means two and two make four. But, upon a simple 
statement being made of circumstances that have occurred, 
or that are on the eve of taking place, they at once see clearly 
how one thing acted upon, or in connexion with another, by 
the production of certain results ; and then are able to trace 
mostsc entifically, — nor less dogmatically, — the connexion be- 
tween certain understood causes and palpable effects. How 
any one could possibly be so ignorant as not to have seen, 
as they did long before, what would follow previous combi- 
nations, — is to them, with all their wisdom, matter of asto- 
nishment. 

Now we are not aware, as we have said, that any satisfac- 
tory reason has been given for this sudden, this, — we had 
almost said, — intuitive and truly wonderful possession of 
penetration ! That reasons have been given we are fully 
aware ; but it is not reasons merely to which we refer, which 
are easily enough given for any and every thing, but a satis- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 471 

factory one. If, however, no attempt at elucidation had been 
made on this momentous subject, it is one thousand to a 
unit but the reader would have comprehended it, without any 
other aid than his own good sense ; — but enough of irony. 
It is really amusing to hear the penetration to which some 
ignoramuses lay claim ; because, after certain results have 
followed some known causes, they have been able to deter- 
mine that such causes would naturally produce such results. 
So it happened in the case of Dr. Titheum and Lady Bolio : 
the moment the secret came out, — and that was only a few 
hours after the meeting of the parties on the evening referred 
to in a preceding chapter, — every one saw, without so much 
as a mote of doubt obscuring their mental visions, that such 
a consummation would follow the masquerade meeting : how 
they discovered the connexion between that meeting and the 
connexion of the parties in question, we have not been able 
to discover ; but the marvels of second sight may not yet 
have ceased. v 

If was no longer attempted to be concealed, that Lady 
Bolio and Dr. Titheum had contracted with each other ; and 
that at no very remote period the reverend gentleman would 
lead his blushing (query ?) bride to the altar. 

This circumstance gave a new feature to almost all the en- 
gagements of the party at the York Hotel : and, as it had 
before been agreed, that on a given day the above-named 
party would return the visit paid them by the members of 
the family from the Royal Circus, some thought that that 
day would be, above all other days, a proper one for the so- 
lemn occasion. To be sure, the time was short ; but what 
then? why, " a bad]oh cannot be too soon got over," thought 
Lord Dashwood ; and " a good one cannot be too soon per- 
formed, 5 * observed Sir Marmaduke. However, on this point 
it was,— according to the immutable laws by etiquette esta- 
blished, — left to the ladies to determine when and where the 
delectable ceremony should take place. 

"Weil now, really, Dr. Titheum/' observed the Duchess, 
" you have fairly taken me in." 

'* No, on my honour, your Grace I" exclaimed the doctor. 

" If," resumed the Duchess, " some prior engagement 
was made, or some understanding existed between yourself 
and Lady Bolio, I still maintain you have taken me in ; and. 
if nothing of the kind existed, why you must be a marvel- 
lously clever man, that's all, doctor." 



472 THE RAMBLES OP 

u If such must be the case," returned the doctor, " why, 
then, as your Grace very graciously states, I am a marvellously 
clever mau — and, indeed, being as I am, and long have been ; 
in the ' commission of the peace/ bespeaks me to be pos- 
sessed of something more than ordinary sense." 

" Why true," returned her Grace, " as you observe, doc- 
tor ;— and, as in the case of your own experience, it certainly 
is true, that being in the ' commission of the peace' be- 
speaks you to be possessed of something more than ordinary 
sense, yet, you know, it does not always follow, — I could 
write down in a dozen minutes twice that number of gentle- 
men who are in the ' commission of the peace/ in whose ex- 
perience the argument holds not good. Indeed I have some- 
times thought, that the greatest numskulls have been 
sought out, upon whose heads to place the Tom-fool's cap 
of office." 

" I beg your Grace will cease to speak evil of dignitaries," 
observed the doctor with peculiar gravity. — " Render honour 
to whom honour is due." 

" Oh, I cry your reverence's pardon I" returned the Duchess, 
laughing ; " I speak not evil of dignities, but of clowns and 
witlings; and as to rendering honour to whom honour is 
due, why, bless you, I am the most rigid stickler for the 
maintenance of the doctrine under the sun ; — but then, doc- 
tor, you cannot suppose that because a man's head is adorned 
with a cap and bells, I must, therefore, bow down at the soles 
of his feet, and cry ' Hail, mighty Csesar !' No no ; I am sure 
you know better, doctor. Yourself I honour, and your office 
too /" 

" Well well," returned the doctor, " I will not contend 
with your Grace ; I admit you are very near correct." 

'* I am happy to find you are a convert to the right," con* 
tinued her Grace ; " and now, doctor, as you are about to 
enter another * commission' soon, I hope it will also be a 
' commission of peace, 9 and then you will hold a double ' com- 
mission of the peace.' " 

" Good !" exclaimed the doctor ; — " Benevolent ever are 
the thoughts and wishes of your Grace !" 

" 'Pon my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, who en- 
tered at the moment. " But these wise men of Bath are par- 
ticularly officious/' 

" What has happened, Sir Marmaduke," enquired Dash- 
wood, " of so extraordinary a character as to excite your 
particular attention, and rouse your wrath ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 473 

" Ton my honour," returned the Knight, u if it were not 
for certain cogent reasons, the confidence of these wise-acres, 
should for once be disappointed. There/ 5 continued Sir 
Marmaduke, taking a paper from his pocket and handing it 
to Dashwood, — " read, and inform yourself, — 'pon my ho- 
nour !" 

His Lordship took the presented paper, and read the fol- 
lowing offensive article ; which, because of its importance, 
was placed in a conspicuous part of the paper : — 

" in the course of a few days, two marriages in high life 
will take place in our city. Sir Marmaduke Varney will lead 
the accomplished and wealthy Miss Fidget to the hymeneal 
altar ; and the Rev. Dr. Titheum, Rector of Christchurch, 
Hants, will be honoured at the same time with the hand of 
the distinguished Lady Bolio." 

"Well/ 5 enquired Dashwood, "and what is there so par- 
ticularly objectionable in all this, Sir Marmaduke ? To lead 
an accomplished, and wealthy young lady to the altar of Hymen, 
is certainly better than being led to the altar of sacrifice/' 

" Ton my honour," returned the Knight, " there your 
-Lwdship says true; — still, I protest — " 

"Pshaw!" returned Dashwood; " I wish your chance had 
fallen to my lot ; — but entre nous/ 9 continued his Lordship 
giving an understood wink to the Knight, — u Accomplished 
and wealthy — eh ? Those," he added, in a higher key, " who 
live by communicating news, must keep both ears open to 
catch it as it flies." 

" Ton my honour," returned the Knight, " I feel indig- 
nant at the liberty the rascal ojf an editor has taken with my 
own and Miss Fidget's name, — I do, 'pon my honour ; and, 
but for a certain reason, I would immediately institute pro- 
ceedings against the fellow, and punish him for it, although 
it should cost me a thousand pounds." 

" Nay, Sir Marmaduke," said Miss Fidget, who felt gra- 
tified with the paragraph, rather than offended, and particu- 
larly with the " accomplished" part of it, — "don't, I entreat 
you, allow yourself to feel annoyed by the trivial circum- 
stance, — for my sake, take no notice of it." 

" For your sake, my dear Miss Fidget, I will forego my 
wrath," replied Sir Marmaduke; — "but for your sake my 
revenge should have been in proportion to the liberty taken." 

" And for my sake," added the doctor, "let the offence 
pass by in silence. I am in the f commission of the peace' 



474 THE RAMBLES OF 

you know, and it would ill accord with my character and 
office to allow the peace to be broken on such an occasion." 

" And I'll venture to say/' chimed in the Duchess, laugh- 
ing, "that neither of the ladies referred to will be offended 
with the period that is announced." 

" Pray, Sir Marmaduke," enquired Lord Dashwood, "will 
you consider me rude if I ask how soon you intend to leave 
Bath, after the ' consummation devoutly to be wished for' has 
taken place ?" 

" Oh no, 'pon my honour," replied the gallant Knight. 
"We shall, I think, repair immediately to my estate in 
Sussex." 

" The devil you will !" interrupted Dashwood, aside. 

" Yes, 'pon my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, in the 
same by-tone. 

"What! before youhavepurchasedit — eh?" saidDashwood. 

" I have struck the bargain, you know," replied the 
Knight, " and shall pay for it, and wipe off a few odd things 
immediately my claims are legalized." 

" Oh, oh, — I see right, and mum !" rejoined Dashwood, 
with a significant application of the fore-finger of his right 
hand to the left side of his nasal protuberance. " You in- 
tend immediately to visit Sussex, do you, Sir Marmaduke ?" 
he continued aloud. 

" Yes, 'pon my honour," said the Knight ; " at least such 
is my intention, — that is, of course, supposing this lady does 
not object, without whose entire pleasure I can do nothing, 
'pon my honour." 

" I feel perfectly willing to acquiesce in any thing that Sir 
Marmaduke may think proper to propose or do," observed 
the " accomplished" Miss Fidget, in the true spirit of a lady 
who was not married, but who hoped soon to be, and who 
then would feel at full liberty to make such fresh arrange- 
ments in the trifling concern of " obeying" as might suit her 
convenience. 

" Well and properly spoken," said the doctor, with an ap- 
proving smile. " Sir Marmaduke, I congratulate you on 
your highly flattering prospects. The woman whose good 
sense leads her cheerfully to yield up her own will to the ldw z 
ful will of her husband, ensures his happiness and her own 
comfort and respectability. I shall be happy to find, what I 
confidently expect, a counterpart of the 'accomplished' and 
correctly determining Miss Fidget in Lady Bolio." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 475 

Miss Fidget arid Sir Marmaduke expressed, at the same 
time, their sense of the compliment paid them hy the doctor, 
and responded to his wish, that all he expected he might 
find in Lady Bolio. 

" Now do you really think it is quite proper/' rejoined 
the Duchess, addressing herself to the doctor, " that a lady 
should give up all her will to her husband V 9 

"Your Grace has heard my opinion on that head," re- 
turned his Reverence/' " I say not that a lady's will should 
be sacrificed to the caprice or spleen of a brute, because he 
bears the form of a man; but however rude and unreasonable 
a man may be, nothing, depend on it, will ever be gained by 
a lady's opposing her husband's rudeness, merely for the 
purpose of having her will." 

"Indeed!" returned her Grace; "then you hold it quite 
right, doctor, that we poor things should quietly adopt the 
doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to the lords 
of creation ; and like a spaniel, whose fondness for his master 
is said to increase with the ill-treatment he receives at his 
hands, we are to cringe to, and love dearly, and be very, 
very submissive, to those who know not how to treat us ?" 

"Your Grace, I am certain, does not believe that I think 
any such -thing," returned the doctor. " I hold, as the vilest 
monster that incumbers our earth, the man who treats not a 
kind and affectionate woman with a full return of all that 
is kind and affectionate: nevertheless, when the case so 
happens, I think — nay, I am as sure as that I am in the 
( commission of the peace' — that a lady will possess her own 
will more, by not seeming to seek it, than by open vio- 
lence demanding, what she may even justly consider to be her 
right." 

"Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke," your state- 
ments, doctor, are as interesting as an homily. Do you not 
think they are superlatively excellent, and un objectionably 
correct, Miss Fidget ?" 

" Certainly I do," replied the lady. 

" Well, well," said her Grace, " we shall see what your 
thoughts are upon the subject this day twelvemonth ; if, 
however," she added with something like seriousness, " your 
opinion then is what now it is, ours will not disagree. I 
think you are quite correct, doctor, though heaven knows 
what I should think or do, if I had not always my own will." 



476 THE RAMBLES OP 



CHAPTER XXXVII. 

" All were amaz'd he stay'd so long, 

And some the statement taunted; 
While others vow'd the statement wrong, 
Which said a stranger wanted. 

But oh, it was, alas» too true, 

That one who pity flaunted ; 
Whose soul compassion never knew, 

Indeed, the poor Gent, wanted." 

The Excitement, 

There is an old adage which states, " There's many a slip 
between the cup and the lip/* However near the cup may 
have been brought to the lip, it may, before the union ac- 
tually takes place, be dashed away. 

A circumstance now occurred in the experience of Sir 
Marmaduke, which made it appear very likely that he would 
soon possess a practical confirmation of the truth of the said 
saying : for near as he had come to quaffing the delectable 
goblet of delight, which the wealthy Miss Fidget had almost 
rendered him certain of enjoying, still a doubt existed if he 
would ever taste it. 

It has already been stated, that the Knight's finances were 
far from being in a flourishing condition, and that his ex- 
clusive object in wishing to marry Miss Fidget was for the 
purpose of replenishing his exchequer. His debts of honour 
had been heavy, but he had never failed to discharge them, 
not from a sense of honour, but because, unless he had so 
done, he would have been black-balled, and, neither on the 
turf, nor at the billiard or card-table, would he have been 
able to hold up his head, and cry to any noble or ignoble 
challenge, " I take you, Sir." 

But there were other debts, and sweeping ones, too, 
which ought to have been considered debts of honour, 
which he never honoured; repeated applications had been 
made to him by needy, yet honest tradesmen, but to all and 
every such application, Sir Marmaduke gave promises to pay, 
but no payment. 

At length the patience of some two or three was entirely 
exhausted ; they pressed their demands with what Sir Mar- 
maduke pronounced rudeness — alias earnestness, and then 



CAPTAIN EOLIO. 477 

pressed into the Knight's hand a very suspicious-looking 
kind of paper, which assured him that evasion could no 
longer avail, but that, within a certain specified time, he 
must either pay or go to quod. Now to do the former he 
could not, and to do the latter he did not approve, and there- 
fore he determined he would not : from these circumstances 
it was that he became increasingly anxious to settle matters 
with Miss Fidget, whose funds were ample, but which funds 
he feared, should his need of them become known too soon, 
would for ever be locked from his touch. 

One perplexing difficulty now existed, and that was the 
means to be adopted to retain his liberty until the lady had 
taken him " for better for worse." The time prescribed to 
him was so short as to render it impossible he could, within 
the period, win Miss Fidget to his purpose. Lord Dashwood 
had long been his confident — and, indeed, to that worthy he 
was under some heavy obligations ; to him he communicated 
the dilemma into which he was thrown, and by his advice 
the visit to Bath was taken, in order to get out of the way. 

The dogs of the law are perfect blood hounds in scent ; 
no matter which way the wind blows, their olfactory organs 
are so sensitive that their hunted game is sure to be dis- 
covered, though they burrow "e'en a mile deep." 

How could Sir Marmaduke Varney expect to escape ? As 
all others do. The well-known line of Young — 

•■ All men think all men mortal but themselves"— 

true as it is, is not more so, than that every man, circum- 
stanced as Sir Marmaduke was, believes himself an excepted 
one, and although all others may be found, themselves are 
safe from detection. 

The conversation recorded above, between the Duchess, 
the doctor, &c, was progressing with spirit ; Sir Marmaduke, 
full of confidence that at the end of another week he should 
be able, with a plentiful supply of funds, to sport it hand- 
somely, talked largely, and was proceeding to lay down plans 
and purposes in the most lively manner, when a servant 
entered the room, and, with a profound bow, observed, 

" A gentleman, Sir Marmaduke, has just enquired for 
you below." 

" A gentleman," observed the Knight — " 'pon my honour ! 
what kind of a gentleman?" 



478 THE RAMBLES OF 

"A very old one, Sir/' replied the servant. "His hair, 
Sir, is as vite as this 'ere napkin/' 

" Ton my honour !" returned Sir Marmaduke, " and ho-v 
looking ?" 

" Like a lord, Sir," answered the servant. " Rather short, 
Sir, thin, and powdered." 

"Ton 'my honour! — Ah," continued the Knight, "I see, 
my neighbour, Squire Turnabout, a little while since a 
flaming Tory — then a Whig — and now an out and out Radi- 
cal, but withal a worthy fellow, and a warm friend. Ah ! 
'pon honour, shall have the pleasure of introducing an old, 
intimate, and wealthy friend. I have expected him a full 
week, but he is so changeable that I had given him up. Ton 
my honour — rather close, but can come out. Show the gen- 
tleman up," he continued, " with my best respects. Ton 
my honour — this is fortunate." 

" He has left, Sir," returned the servant. 

" Left !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke. " Why did you allow 
him to leave?— Ton my honour !" 

" He stated he was in a great huny, Sir," answered the 
serving man, " but said he should be happy if you could call 
upon him at his hotel in half an hour, or earlier if possible." 

" At his hotel ! " shouted Sir Marmaduke. " Ton my 
honour, and which may his hotel be ?" 

"The Vhite Lion, Sir, in the market-place," returned the 
servant." 

" Ton my honour," observed the Knight, "he is a very 
crusty old fellow, and must be humoured." " I am under 
small obligation to him," he whispered to Dashwood. 

" Are you so ?" said Dashwood ; " then by all means keep 
in for the time with him." 

" Shall I step and insist upon his joining us ?" asked the 
Knight. 

" Certainly/' observed the doctor, "you cannot indeed do 
less." 

" By all means," said Miss Fidget. 

" It will only be acting respectfully to an old friend," 
echoed the Duchess. 

" Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " I'll do as you 
all recommend. To send, I am certain, would be of no avail ; 
— he must be humoured, 'pon my honour. I'll return in a 
few seconds. 

' No business can detain me long from you/ " 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 479 

So saying, he set off, and the party he had left set to dis- 
cussing sundry points connected with the expected matri- 
monial ceremony. 

The first half hour passed away without much notice being 
taken of the Knight's long absence ; — the second was draw- 
ing to a close, and still he did not appear. Miss Fidget be- 
gan to feel a UtUe uneasy, — poor Carlo even offended his 
mistress by offering a chaste salute. So true it is, that small 
things, and even such as at other times affords pleasure, 
yields but offence when the mind is not at ease. 

" Where can Sir Marmaduke stay so long?" observed Miss 
Fidget, with considerable anxiety, as the third half hour 
commenced, during the whole of which time he had been in- 
visible to her adoring eyes. " I begin to think something 
has occurred of an unpleasant nature." 

" Oh, there is no cause of alarm, Madam," returned Dash- 
wood ; " I'll be bound for his safety. 

" But how are we to account for his outrageously long 
delay }" said the Duchess ; " surely this expression of ten- 
derness accords not with the burning anxiety of a lover." 

C( Let us think favourably of Sir Marmaduke," observed 
the doctor; <c for although we are not able to explain why he 
has been so long absent, he, doubtless, will be able to do so 
on his return, to the satisfaction of the lady most concerned." 

.". Oh, no doubt," returned the Duchess ; " you, gentle- 
men, are exceedingly skilful at giving satisfactory reasons." 

At this moment a servant entered the room, and delivered 
a note to Lord Dashwood, and then withdrew. — Offering an 
apology for so doing, — his Lordship rose and walked towards 
the window; when, to his surprise and consternation, he 
read as follows : — 

" My Dear Dashwood, 
" I have been regularly trapped, — I have, 'pon my honour. 
Make some excuse for me ; and with all dispatch hasten to 
the White Lion, and meet yours, 'pon my honour, 
" Most truly, but 

" Most unfortunate, 

" Varney." 

" Here's a precious mess !" thought his Lordship to him- 
self; not daring to give utterance to his reflections. "What 
shall I do ?— If this comes out, it will be all u-p with this 
marriage affair; and then, — farewell; a long and eternal 



480 THE RAMBLES OF 

farewell to all my hopes of recovering the few thousands in 
which Sir Marmaduke stands indebted to me. That won't 
do ; — no no, a scheme must be hit upon, — oh, I have it. 
Hem !" he added, after a few moments' thought, — " I have 
it, by Jove !" and then turning to the company with perfect 
indifference in his manner, he observed, — " Sorry to say, that 
for a few minutes I must leave you, ladies;— this note is from 
an intimate friend, who has just arrived in Bath, extremely ill. 
By the time I return, I dare say, Sir Marmaduke will be here, 
and the 'satisfactory reason* will have been given. To the 
care and gallantry of my reverend friend I leave you. — 
Adieu !" 

Profoundly bowing, his Lordship left the room, and hasted 
to learn in what condition Sir Marmaduke stood. Of Sir 
Marmaduke's departure from the York Hotel, to meet his 
friend Squire Turnabout, the reader has been informed. No 
sooner did he reach the well-known establishment, the 
"White Lion," than he made inquiries for the Squire. As, 
however, the gentleman had not announced his name, Sir 
Marmaduke was obliged to send up his own to the gentle- 
man, whose appearance so exactly answered the description 
which he gave of the person after whom he was seeking. In 
less than two minutes he was informed by the servant it was 
all right ; and then was, with all befitting ceremony, ushered 
into the room. The gentleman rose to receive him, politely 
handed him a chair, shut the door of the apartment, turned 
the key in the lock, and then turned it into his pocket. Sir 
Marmaduke felt astonished. 

" Ton my honour," said the Knight, " I beg ten thou- 
sand pardons ! I have made a mistake I perceive." 

" No apologies, my dear Sir," returned the stranger, who 
did not happen to be Squire Turnabout, " it is all right 
I assure you; — your name, I believe, is Sir Marmaduke 
Varney ?" 

" Quite correct, 'pon my honour," returned the Knight. 

" So I judged," returned the stranger. " Very happy to 
meet you, Sir," he added, deliberately, removing as he spoke 
a white peruke from his head, and whiskers to match from 
his face. " I think you recollect your old friend, Solomon 
Feritfox ?" 

" Ton my honour I" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, astounded 
at finding himself enclosetted with a Sheriff's officer ; " What 
does all this mean ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 481 

<c Oh, to oblige you with an explanation will be no trouble,'* 
returned Solomon, with a broad grin, " if so be you need it ; 
but I guess it's all quite unnecessary. The fact is, Sir Mar- 
maduke, I knew no method by which to have the pleasure of 
an interview with you bat by assuming a disguise; this you 
see I have done ; — and, as I thought it better you should call 
at my hotel, — that our meeting might be private, — rather 
than that I should wait upon you at yours, where we might 
have been annoyed by persons whose company we didn't wish 
for, — why, I used the little trickery which we great men allow 
one to another, — you understand me ?" 

" Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " am I then to 
consider myself your prisoner ?" 

" Exactly so," returned Feritfox, — u just guessed it." 
The Knight offered to pawn his honour that he would pay 
or surrender at the end of one week, if Mr. Solomon Feritfox 
would allow him to go at large until that time ; as he had an 
affair of importance on hand, which could not possibly be 
done without him ; but he had so frequently done the same 
thing to the same parties, that he now refused to take the 
pledge for the amount of security required. 

After arguing the case and shifting his position for nearly 
one hour and a half, the Knight determined to write to Lord 
Dashwood ; and the note which the reader has seen was im- 
mediately penned by him and despatched by a servant, with 
strict injunctions to place it in Lord Dashwood's own hand. 
The man of the law and Sir Marmaduke were still in close 
and earnest conversation, when the voice of Dashwood at the 
door put a termination to it. 

One would have supposed, judging from the actions of So- 
lomon Feritfox, that however fully he might have believed 
the truth of the common saying, " there is honour among 
rogues," he did not think there was any among noblemen, 
or otherwise he conceived they were rogues of deeper grain 
and blacker character than those of ordinary stamp ; for, be- 
fore he opened the door at the loud demand of Dashwood, 
whose authoritative tone appeared to have no more influence 
upon him than water upon a duck's back, — he very delibe- 
rately took from his pocket a bright little pistol, to the great 
annoyance of the Knight, whose antipathy to those kind of 
playthings has already been seen, — and having examined the 
priming, cocked it, and so seemed to say, — u No rescue, if 
you please, without money or bond." 



482 THE RAMBLES OF 

As soon as 'his Lordship was admitted, and learned how 
matters stood, he gave Feritfox his own security for his 
friend, and so freed him from the vice-like gripe from which 
he could not have delivered himself. 

" Away," said Dash wood to the Knight, " with all speed 
to the York Hotel. But stay, — what excuse can we offer for 
your absence ; and, especially, for your not introducing your 
friend? I suppose you have no particular wish that Mr. So- 
lomon Feritfox should accompany you ?" 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed the Knight, " I had much 
rather his satanic majesty went with me : I have an insuper- 
able aversion to gentlemen of Mr. Feritfox's profession, — I 
have, 'pon my honour." 

"What's to be done?" said Dash wood, thoughtfully. — 
" To let the ladies into this secret won't do. — Oh, I have it, 
my boy ! Your point with Miss Fidget must be carried, and 
then I shall leave you to go alone — eh ?" 

" Ton my honour," returned the Knight, " your Lud- 
ship's kindness is marvellous ! — 'tis, 'pon my honour, and 
shall not be forgotten. 

" Well, this you must do," returned Dashwood, — " throw 
a spoonful or two of Port over your leg, bind your handker- 
chief round it, and then we'll take a coach from the door to 
our hotel : you must make a few wry faces as you enter the 
room, limp confoundedly, — and state that, going to see your 
friend start, five minutes after you reached the White Lion, 
one of the wheels of his carriage caught your leg and injured 
it, — that you have been detained by a doctor, who has ex- 
amined it, — that nothing of consequence has taken place, — 
and that you did not, until you were obliged, write to me for 
fear of alarming the ladies. I'll be at your back and support 
you, and soon make all right, — do you see ?" 

" Ton my honour," said Sir Marmaduke, " your powers 
of invention are wonderful, — your head would be an honour 
to a chancellor's wig; while the woolsack would receive 
grace and dignity by your filling it, — 'tis true, 'pon my ho- 
nour." 

" Those points we'll settle another time," returned Dash- 
wood, laughing heartily at Sir Marmaduke's conceit, "at 
present we have business to settle which will be of more im- 
portance to you than either of the offices you have men- 
tioned is to the nation." 

" Ton my honour, that's true," replied Sir Marmaduke 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 483 

" Here goes, then, to attend to the first part of your advice/' 
So saying, he stained his white silk hose with a small quan- 
tity of Port-wine, and then bound round the apparently in- 
jured part with his handkerchief; thus assuming the sem- 
blance of injury, and limping to the very life, the Knight and 
his Lordship left the White Lion, and were driven in a hack- 
ney-coach to the York Hotel. 

"Well," exclaimed Dashwood, as he entered the room 
where the party still sat in grave debate respecting the unac- 
countable absence of Sir Marmaduke, " has the absentee 
returned yet ?" 

" He has not," replied Miss Fidget, almost fainting from 
excitement. " Something, I feel certain, has happened of a 
serious nature." 

" Now, don't allow yourself to be alarmed, Madam," re- 
turned Dashwood ; " I have come to announce — " 

"Ahi" exclaimed Miss Fidget, — "Come to announce 
what ?" 

" Why, that a trifling accident has occurred," replied his 
Lordship ; " but — " 

" Oh!" shrieked the sensitive young lady, betraying more 
emotion than she wished ; although much less than she felt. 
" Tell me, I implore your Lordship, what has happened ? — 
Where is he ?" 

" Oh, he is in the next room," replied Dashwood, with the 
utmost. indifference. "Now don't be alarmed, I repeat ; I 
came before to prepare you ; and now, with your permission, 
I'll introduce Sir Marmaduke." 

In a moment the gallant Knight made his appearance, dis- 
playing such novel contortions of physiognomy as well-nigh 
overcame the assumed gravity even of Dashwood ; while his 
limping gait was so inimitable, that no pensioner in Chelsea 
College, or Greenwich Hospital, with one of his calves shot 
away, could have done it better ; — in fact, he played his part 
to the very life. 

An explanation of the serious affair was soon given, accord- 
ing to the plan laid down by Dashwood : no one present ex- 
pressed a wish to examine the wound, which was a fortunate 
circumstance ; while his Lordship, with all the assurance of 
a man of honour, vouched for the truth of Sir Marmaduke's 
statement 

" How exceedingly fortunate it was," observed Miss Fid- 
get, " that the leg was not broken." 

y 2 



484 THE RAMBLES OP 

" Yes, indeed, observed the Duchess, " or that Sir Mar- 
maduke was not killed upon the spot." 

" If such had been the case," sighed Miss Fidget, " what 
should I have done ?" 

ic Why, in that case," said the doctor, " your marriage 
must certainly have been postponed ; and I should have been 
deprived of the pleasant company upon which I have fondly 
calculated when leading Lady Bolio to the altar." 

So much sympathy as a real accident would scarcely have 
received, was lavished upon the Knight: each person ap- 
peared anxious to minister to his comfort ; while Miss Fid- 
get hoped most fervently (although she did not express her 
hopes) that Sir Marmaduke's accident would not prove of 
so serious a nature as to render a postponement of the wished- 
for nuptial ceremony necessary. 



CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

" A wanderer now he seem'd, 
As if his race to shun ; 
Him, some a robber deemed ; 
Yet still in secret, one 
Sigh'd ceaseless for him ;— nor once thought the maid, 
Like a good angel, round her path he stray'd." 

J. Young. 

" Where can Claudius be ?" had issued from the lips of 
poor Georgiana at least a score of times, every day, since his 
departure from the York Hotel ; but the implied desire to 
obtain information received only the annoying echo, — 
" Where can Claudius be ?" 

It is at least a possible case that the reader may have 
thought with Georgiana, — " Where can Claudius be ?" That 
the language of desire has been so frequently expressed, or 
so powerfully felt by the reader as by Georgiana, is what can- 
not be reckoned upon ; — still, for the satisfaction of their 
minds, we shall introduce a short episodical chapter on the 
subject, and show where and in what way Claudius disposed 
of himself, 

Immediately upon our hero's leaving the room in which 
the doctor had detected him in such interesting engagement 
with his daughter, he repaired to the apartment he had occu- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 485 

pied, in connexion with his fellow- servant, as a sleeping- 
room ; and taking from his box a few pounds which he had 
saved from his wages, or which at different times he had 
received as presents from those for whom he had done " some 
service," he thrust the whole into a brown holland bag, — 
lacking as he did a purse, — and then deposited his store 
safely in his pocket. 

Having managed that important business, he sallied forth 
from the Hotel with as sorrowful a heart as ever Knight- 
errant possessed when separated, by some untoward circum- 
stance, from his beloved Dulcinia. 

Such was the perturbed state of his feelings, occasioned by 
the sudden and unlooked-for change in his situation and for- 
tunes, that without any thing definite in view, he wandered 
on until he had reached the outskirts of the picturesque vil- 
lage of Claverton, when a small portion of reason came to his 
aid, under whose influence he attempted to arrange some- 
thing like a plan for his future course. Still his unsettled 
and confused mind was unable to fix on any thing, — and on 
he went. 

Already he had passed through the above-named romantic 
place, from which the Claverton Down takes it name, — a 
spot which will long be hallowed in the memory of the sons 
and friends of genius, from its celebrated, although some- 
what eccentric rector, the ingenious Richard Graves, the 
friend of the poet S hen stone, and the author of the " Spi- 
ritual Quixote," and other interesting works, — when, sud- 
denly turning, he stood and gazed upon the city he was 
leaving; and which, in his warm and strong imagination, 
contained a treasure of far more value than the mines of 
Golconda, or the wealth of a world, in the person of Geor- 
giana. 

" Shall I," exclaimed our hero, "thus tamely resign her 
whose heart I evidently possess, because I have been repulsed 
by her father ? or shall I at once make known who I am, and 
crave forgiveness at the hands of my mother? — No," he 
continued after a pause, — " No ; at present I will not do so ; 
yet I will watch the movements of the doctor, and seek occa- 
sionally to gain a glimpse of my dear Georgiana." 

Having closed this brief soliloquy, — like another Whit- 
tington when fleeing from London, — Claudius turned back 
to Bath. In a short time he succeeded in purchasing such 
a change of dress as his purpose required, and again retired 



486 THE RAMBLES OF 

to the vicinity of the city ; and in a retired spot, beneath an 
embowering hedge, changed his costume ; and then, having 
made as snug a bundle of his livery as he could manage to 
do, trudged off to seek a lodging suitable to his finances. 

The soft calm hour of eventide had come as Claudius 
strolled down Westgate Buildings, gazing at every paper he 
saw exhibited in various windows, and on every board hung out 
at different houses, anxious to find "A furnished room to let.'* 
He had already seen several announcements of " Lodgings 
for Gentlemen," and " Gentlemen done for," handsomely 
printed on embossed cards, or beautifully written ; but what- 
ever the feelings of Claudius might have been on the subject, 
his modesty or prudence deterred him from making applica- 
tion at any such places. 

" For Gentlemen" thought Claudius, " that is, indeed, an 
ambiguous term, — by it, I suppose is meant, at Bath, those 
who have plenty of money, and a good stock of impudence, 
— such as can pay well for what they have, and who will not, 
with too much rigidity, investigate the particular items of 
charges tendered to them : my funds, however, will not allow 
me so to act ; and, therefore, I must seek something of a 
humbler character." 

Still on he went, and at length ventured to announce 
himself at a house where " Lodgings for single men" was 
exhibited, and where a knocker, — a distinction worthy of es- 
pecial note, — instead of a bell, was the instrument to be 
employed for the purpose ; — the latter appeared pretty gene- 
rally to be appended to mansions of more imposing exterior 
than the one at the door of which he had presumed to knock. 
In the twinkling of an eye, the door was opened by a girl, of 
whom Claudius enquired, — " Have you not a lodging to let 
for a single man ?" 

" Yes," returned the girl, " for a man we have." 

"Well," said Claudius, " I wish to form an engagement 
.for such, — can I see it?" 

" Oh, I don't know," returned the female churl, eyeing 
Claudius most suspiciously, and particularly directing her 
scrutinizing visual orbs to the bundle which contained his 
livery wardrobe ; " but I'll ax my Misses if you'll stand there 
awhile." 

"Very good," said Claudius ; "I'll do so." 

" If you please, Marm !" shouted the girl to her mistress, 
in a tone that compelled Claudius to hear every word, " here's 



' CAPTAIN BOLIO. 487 

a lad at the door what is axing arter the apartment ; but I 
don't like his looks, — in the first place, he ain't a man." 

"Not a man!" roared the lady housekeeper; "Why, 
what is he ?" 

" Why, he is only a lad, as I said, Marm," rejoined the 
girl ; " but besides that 'ere, he has got a large bundle under 
his arm, which, I thinks, looks very suspicious." 

u So it does, Fan," rejoined the mistress ; from whose ac- 
cents Claudius now guessed that the lady was no friend to 
the wholesome rules of the Temperance Society, — " How- 
somever," she added, " I'll take a peep at him myself." 

After the lapse of a few minutes, Claudius was confronted 
by the lady of the house. She appeared to be approaching 
fast towards sixty ; but her dress was such as a girl of six- 
teen might very prudently have worn ; — it was very fashion- 
able, but not very well put on, — her face looked as if a quar- 
ter of a pound of carmine had been lavished upon it ; but 
whether occasioned more by the application of that beauty- 
destroying daub, or by the swallowing of large quantities of 
ardent spirits, is not certain ; — but there she stood, or rather 
attempted to stand, for 

** She heel'd like a ship in a furious storm, 
And could not for a moment stand still ; 
Now backwards, now forwards, and then on each side, 
She stagger'd, though much against will." 

" Well, Sir," commenced the lady, M and pray what may 
your pleasure be ?" 

" I understand from the card in your window, Madam," 
replied Claudius, " that you have a lodging to let for a sin- 
gle man." 

u You understand !" echoed the lady, — " and pray do you 
always understand, when you wait upon a lady, to enquire 
for lodgings :" 

" Why, to say the truth," returned Claudius, " I have 
never before been compelled to do so." 

"Eh?" observed the lady, very knowingly; — "Never 
what, did you say? — I hope you are an honest person. 
Where do you come from ?" 

" I suppose that can be of no consequence to you, Madam," 
answered Claudius, with a respectful tone. 

"You suppose I" cried the lady, in rather a loud key; 
" but, I tell you, it makes all the consequence ; and neither 



488 THE RAMBLES OF 

you nor any one else shall, without proper reference, have my 
lodging." 

" Then I wish you a very good evening, Madam," said 
Claudius, turning to go. 

" Not quite so fast, Sir" returned the lodging-house-keep- 
ing lady, at the same time laying rather unceremoniously 
hold on the nether part of his coat, — " Not quite so fast, if 
you please, Sir ! — I have my suspicions about me. Pray who 
are you, where did you come from, and what have you in 
that bundle?" 

"Who am I?" returned Claudius, possibly thinking it 
right to begin with the first of her many questions. 

" Aye, — who are you ?" responded the lady. " None of 
your mocking, if you please : I say I have my suspicions of 
you. I shall send for a constable and have you locked up ; — 
I have no doubt but you have robbed some one of that 
bundle." 

On the score of honesty our hero, of course, felt himself 
perfectly safe ; but as he felt no disposition to submit to such 
an investigation as would of necessity follow an incarceration 
in a common prison, he contemplated the best way to cut the 
affair, and saw none so proper as cutting off; and, accord- 
ingly, freeing the tail of his coat by a dexterous movement 
of his body from the grasp of his detainer, — by which action 
he also, without intention, completely floored the lady, — he 
closed the door after him, and, with the fleetness of a lapwings 
tied from the spot. 

" Which way shall I turn now," thought our hero, " or 
where seek for a lodging ? — I shall almost fear to knock at 
another door, lest I escape not so well. To be suspected of 
being a thief is bad enough, but to be pushed into a felon's 
cell would be, beyond all comparison, worse." 

By this time Claudius strayed to a yet humbler part of the 
city, — or rather beyond the city itself, on the Bristol road, — 
when in the window of a low white-washed cottage, whose 
appearance indicated cleanliness and comfort, he espied, in 
very humble characters, "A Lodging for a Single Man." 

"Well," thought our hero, "I'll make another venture; 
— surely I shall not be suspected in this place of being a 
robber." 

Opening a little gate which led through a small plot of 
garden-ground neatly laid out and full of flowers, 'he walked 
up to the door; and, as neither knocker nor bell was affixed 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 489 

to it, he applied his knuckles to the pannels, and presently 
the door was opened by an aged form, who, dropping a curtsy 
to Claudius, enquired what he pleased to want. 

" Have you not, my good woman," said our hero, " a 
lodging to let ?" 

" Oh yes, Sir," returned the clean and antique personage, 
" it is a homely, but clean and wholesome one. I am a lone 
widow woman, and have been so, come the twenty-sixth of 
next month, seven years. My husband — rest his soul — was 
one of the kindest and best a woman ever knew, — he built 
this cottage, Sir, and by frugality and the proceeds of in- 
dustry, we managed to lay by a trifle, on which I now, with 
the help of a lodger occasionally, manage to live. I was only 
seventeen when I married." 

To what extent the old lady's garrulous powers would have 
led her, if Claudius had not mildly enquired if he could see 
the lodging, is impossible to say. 

" Oh, Sir, I beg your pardon !" said the old woman ; — 
" Do please to walk in ; and if so be it will suit you, I shall 
feel glad to make you as comfortable as I can." So saying, 
she walked in, and Claudius followed. "You see, Sir," she 
re-commenced, as she passed from the front to the back- 
room, and from thence ascended a narrow staircase which led 
to th« room it was intended he should occupy, — " You see, 
Sir, mine is, as I said, very humble ; but, I hope, wholesome 
and clean." 

" I like the appearance much," said Claudius ; for the kind 
open-heartedness of the old woman rather pleased than other- 
wise ; " all I require is something of the kind you describe." 
" Well, then, I am sure I can suit you," returned the old 
woman. " There," she added, as she opened a small door, 
" that is the room which I let when I can get a decent kind 
of a person." 

Claudius entered ; — it was perfectly unique in its character 
— two chairs, a table, a wash-hand-stand, and a small bed- 
stead, formed the chief portions of the furniture : there was, 
indeed, a small piece of drugget beside the bed, and a fender 
before the fire-place, but no superfluities ;— still, upon the 
whole cleanliness was impressed, — indeed, to such an extent, 
that, as the old woman had said more than once, " you might 
eat your victuals off the floor." 

" This will do excellently well," said Claudius ; — " What 
are your terms ?" 

y5 



490 THE RAMBLES OF 

" Why, Sir," returned the old woman, " I always have 
two shillings a week for this room ; and when I do for the 
lodger I has ninepence more." 

" Two shillings and ninepence a week, then, is what you 
ask for lodging and cooking?" said Claudius. 

" Exactly so, Sir," replied the dame; "but then I al- 
ways — " 

Claudius feared she was going to say, — " I always have a 
reference," — and, if so, he was convinced he should have to 
go " further a field" for a lodging ; to prevent which he in- 
terruptingly replied, — " Well, I shall give you three shillings 
a week ; and here," he added, taking out his purse, " here 
are twelve shillings, which will be one month's pay, in ad- 
vance, — will that satisfy you ?" 

" O bless you. Sir !" said the old woman, curtsying half- 
a-dozen times without stopping, as she received the money, 
" I never desires more than I says ; of course I am satisfied. 
I'll take care you shall be as happy as may be while you are 
my lodger ; — I felt certain, when first I set eyes on you, that 
you was a gentleman, — and now you have proved it with a 
witness, as my poor husband would have said, — rest his soul, 
Ah ! Sir, he was such a husband ! — my loss when he died 
was — " 

" I don't doubt it," said Claudius, as the old woman was 
again about to supply an explanation which he did not re- 
quire, and could not have understood. " I am to consider 
myself your lodger then, and this as my apartment ?" 

" Just so, Sir," returned the old woman. " Would you 
like that I should provide something for your supper ?" 

This interesting suggestion met with Claudius's unqua- 
lified approval, and his landlady was accordingly despatched 
to purchase the needful ; while our hero was left, without 
any suspicion of his being a thief, in full and quiet pos- 
session. 

Early on the following morning, Claudius stood before a 
small glass which was attached by a brass ring to the wall of 
his chamber, and therein he surveyed his person with as 
much scrutiny as if to ascertain whether it were his own self 
or another person ; — this, however, was not his object, — he 
merely wished to determine in his own mind, if the disguise 
he had assumed was of such a character as might with reason 
be calculated upon as sufficient to screen him from the ob- 
servation and knowledge of those whom he had formerly 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 491 

served : little doubt upon the point existed, and he therefore 
determined to watch the movements of his master and Geor- 
giana, and act as circumstances might dictate. 

His first determination was to send back his livery to the 
doctor; but how to do it he was at a loss to decide. At 
length, however, he resolved to try his old landlady. " Could 
you do me a service/ 3 enquired Claudius, "this evening?" 

"Could I?" responded the old woman, — "Aye, Sir, — if 
any person in the world can render a gentleman a service, 
Jannet can. Why, bless you, Sir, I was always considered 
the best hand at doing odd jobs for gentlemen in the whole 
parish." 

"And you are then ready to serve me, Jannet ? M asked 
Claudius ; — " I do not desire your service without rewarding 
you, — I shall be glad to satisfy you for that which I wish you 
to do." 

M You will never find a person more willing to serve you.. 
Sir," returned Jannet, — " as for reward, why, I think I 
have received it already." 

" And can you keep a secret r" asked Claudius ? 

" No one can do it better in the parish," responded the old 
lady. " I could give you a hundred instances, if necessary — 
but— " 

(i Well, well," said Claudius, "what I wish you to do is 
to carry a bundle and letter for me to the York Hotel ; — the 
letter must be delivered by you into the hand of the young 
lady to whom it is addressed, and to no other person ; and 
this you must manage to do when no one sees you." 

" Aye, aye 1" exclaimed Jannet, looking archly in our 
hero's face, — "I see it all, — I see it; — yes, yes, trust me, 
Jannet will do the business for you to your entire satis- 
faction." 

" I do believe it," said Claudius, and he proceeded to give 
her such directions as were necessary — the sequel is already 
known. Jannet did deliver the letter to Georgiana ; and 
then, as Claudius desired her, left the hotel without discover- 
ing either the abode or name of her employer. 

At the time that Jannet set off on her expedition, Claudius 
left the cottage for the purpose of diverting his mind by a 
stroll in the vicinity of the city. He had walked nearly two 
hours, when he thought of returning to learn the success of 
Jannet's mission. The moon was already shining bright in 
the heavens — the evening was as beautiful and fair as ever 



492 THE RAMBLES OF 

the happy lovers of paradise knew 'ere man's first act of 
disobedience 

" Brought death into our world, with all its woe." 

The retired spot he had selected, or rather to which, with- 
out choice or intention, he had sauntered, appeared sacred to 
meditation. Silence reigned so supreme that the hum of the 
grasshopper could be heard ; and the faint buz which arose 
from the dwellers in the city .came upon the ear like the in- 
distinct sounds of music from another sphere. 

Onward our hero walked, wrapt in deep reverie, and re- 
volving in his own mind his future course of action. Whether 
his lady mother was still in Bath or not, he had not been able 
to learn, — that the lady who was with her at the masquerade 
was Dr. Leechum's wife, he had no doubt in his mind ; still 
he had no assurance beyond his own conviction on that head, 
— if they still remained in the city, where could they reside, — 
and if they continued so long, for what purpose ? These were 
thoughts which rather perplexed than satisfied ; — he made up 
his mind, at length, that, come what might, he would endea- 
vour to ascertain if Lady Bolio still continued in Bath ; and 
if so, where she resided, and then seek a fit opportunity to 
present himself before her, and crave her forgiveness. 

Such were the cogitations and such the resolves of Clau- 
dius's mind, when the sound of voices at no great distance 
roused him from his meditations : an angle in the place had 
placed him in deep shade, from which he could see in the 
moon's bright beams two persons approaching. They drew 
near to where he stood; and with almost overwhelming as- 
tonishment he discovered Lord Dash wood and Dr. Titheum. 

To leave the spot on which he stood without being seen by 
them was impossible, and, therefore, he felt disposed rather 
to cringe still further into shade to avoid detection. 

"We are yet early," observed Dashwood, "at least a 
quarter of an hour before the appointed time." 

" Are you certain they will come ?" enquired the doctor. 

" Don't fear that," returned his Lordship ; " ladies never 
disappoint in such affairs, — they, dear souls, are always 
punctual." 

" So," thought Claudius, — " an assignation ; — then I may 
learn something which may guide me in my future pro- 
ceedings." 

His Lordship and the doctor walked on, and then saun- 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 493 

tered back again, furnishing Claudius with an opportunity to 
shift his position, so as with better advantage to mark the 
whole of the business. 

" Here they are, doctor," at length he heard Dashwood 
exclaim; and, at the same moment, looking in the direction 
to which the expecting gentlemen bent their eyes, he per- 
ceived two females approaching. Dashwood, as the reader 
is aware, ran to meet them, and the doctor followed. 

In a few minutes the doctor returned with one of the ladies 
bearing on his arm ; when, as they approached the place of 
his concealment, he beheld the well-known person of his 
mother ! 

" Good heavens !" thought Claudius, " what can this 
mean ? — my mother here, and in company with the father of 
my Georgiana ; — but I will learn the whole." So saying, he 
stole, cautiously, close to the seat which in a short time they 
occupied, and there over-heard the tale of love the doctor had 
to tell, and listened to the response which fell from the lips 
of his mother. 

"Where are Mrs. Leechum and Lord Dashwood?" at 
length enquired Lady Bolio. 

"Mrs. Leechum l" exclaimed Claudius, mentally, "and 
with Lord Dashwood, too 1 — this must be made known." 

"They are not far off, Madam," replied the doctor. 

" I would not that Dr. Leechum knew of his lady being 
here for all the world," said Lady Bolio. 

"There is no fear of it, Madam," returned the doctor; 
" he is quietly enjoying himself in the Royal Crescent, be 
assured." 

" In the Royal Crescent," said Claudius, — " So ! — then 
I'll haste to acquaint him of a part, at least, of this affair. 
Shall I frustrate the intentions of the doctor with my mother 
by the means with which this discovery has possessed me?" 
thought our hero ; " or shall I allow his wishes to be real- 
ized ? — Let me see, — a slight trick would settle the matter ; 
but then I might, and in all probability should, lose my dear 
Georgiana, — that I cannot think of; — besides, I have no 
great objection to the doctor ; he is at least as good as most 
doctors, and much better than many. Well, I suppose I 
must consent to it, and at a fit time I will let him know what a 
son-in-law he has , — but, for Dr. Leechum, I'll put him on his 
guard." So saying, Claudius flew back to his lodgings, in 
order to obtain such a disguise as the wardrobe of his land- 



494 THE RAMBLES OF 

lady might be able to furnish ; of whom he felt assured he 
should be able to obtain the loan for a small consideration. 

The art of transformation had been acquired by our hero 
during the period of his Gypsy profession ; — it was not, there- 
fore, a difficult task to arrange the materials he could obtain 
in such a way as to give an appearance to his person of the 
most singular character. 

Of the way in which Claudius introduced himself to Dr. 
Leechum, as well as of the conversation he held with him, 
the reader has already been informed ; at the end of which 
he seemed, to the doctor's excited and distracted feelings, to 

- Exhale into the thin air ; 
Or, like an unsubstantial thing, to pass 
Into the heavens, or earth, •whence he had come." 

So, however, he did not ; but, like a being of flesh and blood, 
slunk further into shade, and then hasted to change his garb ; 
which having completed, he scrawled a note in haste, de- 
tailing in it, in obscure phraseology, the meeting which had 
taken place between Dashwood and the doctor and two 
ladies, — which, having sealed, he directed to her Grace the 
golden Duchess, confident in what way she would use it ; 
and then, trusting to his change of dress and a large shawl- 
neckerchief wound round his neck for a prevention of recog- 
nition, he carried it to the York Hotel, and delivered it to a 
servant in attendance, by whom it was forwarded to her 
Grace. In what way the Duchess employed the scrawl, and the 
effects it produced, need not be repeated ; — and, although the 
Duchess herself was as ignorant of the person from whom the 
information had come as any other person in the company, 
yet all gave her credit for knowledge which perfectly as- 
tounded them. 

" Bless me, Sir !" exclaimed Jannet, as she entered the 
room with some boiling water for Claudius's breakfast, " have 
you heard the news ?" 

" So much news is stirring in this busy city," returned 
Claudius, " that it is impossible to stir abroad without hear- 
ing something fresh ; but to what do you refer ? I suppose 
it is not any thing in which either you or myself is con- 
cerned." 

" Why, as to the matter of that," replied Jannet, u I sup- 
pose not : — there is, indeed, little that concerns me, now- 
a-days. Heigho ! — I can remember well the time that every 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 495 

thing seemed to concern me, — that is, when my poor hus- 
band, — rest his soul, — was living ; — oh, Sir, if you had known 
him, — he was so kind ! I remember once, we had "taken it 
into our heads to enjoy ourselves — " 

" Well, but the news, Jannet, which you just now referred 
to/ 5 interrupted Claudius. 

u Aye, aye ; — true, true," responded Jannet ; " that had 
nearly escaped me ; — I never speak of my poor husband, Sir, 
but I forget every thing else, — and then I find my memory 
fails me. Oh, Sir ! when so many years have passed over 
your head as I have lived, vast changes will be experienced 
by you. There is your water, Sir," she added : " if you wish 
for any thing, and will be so kind as to knock, you shall have 
it in a moment. Every thing that I can do to make you feel 
quite comfortable, I shall be happy to do." So saying, Jan- 
net dropped a curtsy, and was retiring without communicating 
the information of which she was so full when first she en- 
tered the room : other matters had, for the moment, engaged 
her, and of course that was forgotten. 

" You have not yet told me the news, Jannet," observed 
Claudius, — " I am waiting to hear it." 

" Bless me !" exclaimed Jannet, " how dull I'm growing; 
- — sure enough, I had forgotten it. Well, we are going to 
have two grand weddings in the city in a few days, — at least, 
so it is stated in the paper. I hope they may be as happy 
ones as mine was; but there are few to be found now-a-days, 
like my dear husband, — rest his soul, — he was so kind and 
affectionate — " 

" And who are the parties, Jannet ?" asked Claudius. 

"Why, I have forgotten the name of one of the gentle- 
men," replied Jannet ; " and, indeed, that is no wonder, it 
was so strange a name that it would puzzle any head half 
the age of mine to remember it. Ido wonder how it is that 
people get such very odd names ;— do you not think it 
would be much better, Sir, if so be all those strange outland- 
ish names were done away with ? My dear husband, — rest 
his soul, — used sometimes to think mine was rather singular 
— that is, Jannet Heckwickmondyke ; but you know, Sir, 
it was my father's name, — and, for the matter of that, I think 
a very good one." 

"Very good!" responded Claudius; "But what is the 
person's name that you recollect, who is about to be married, 
and that has caused some excitement ?" 



496 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Why, what would you think, Sir ?" asked Jannet. 

" Nay," said Claudius, " that is impossible." 

" Only try and guess, Sir/' continued Jannet, with great 
simplicity. 

" I tell you it is impossible," returned Claudius. 

" Well, then, I'll tell you," said Jannet, — " the very person 
to whom I took your parcel yesterday." 

"What! Dr. titheum r" asked Claudius. 

" The very same, Sir," returned Jannet, " as sure as my 
name is Jannet." 

" Indeed 1" exclaimed Claudius. "And, pray, do you re- 
collect the lady's name r" 

" Why, there it is again," observed Jannet, " as I said be- 
fore, people will have such very strange names, — let me see 
— it is Lady somebody, I am quite certain ; but — deary me 1 
deary me ! how strange it is, — I can't think of the other part ; 
no, not if it was to save my life." 

" Should you know it if you were to hear it ?" asked 
Claudius. 

" Aye, that I should directly," replied Jannet ; " I was 
always famed for recollecting names after they were men- 
tioned. I could mention a strange circumstance — " 

"Was it Lady Bolio ?" asked Claudius. 

" Lady Bolio, — yes, sure enough, that was the very name," 
returned Jannet. " Some one is knocking, I hear," conti- 
nued the old lady. " If you want any thing, Sir, call, and I'll 
attend upon you immediately." Thus saying, she curtsied, 
and left Claudius to his reflections. 

" All then is settled," said our hero, " and I am shortly 
to have a father-in-law. I suppose the other distinguished 
personages are Sir Marmaduke and Miss Fidget. Well, be 
it so, — I'll watch the motions of the parties, and, if possible, 
be, — although not invited, — a party at the ceremony, or a 
guest at the nuptial banquet. Georgiana will feel surprised 
at meeting a brother in her lover ; and, I suppose, the doctor 
will feel less disposed than before to expel me from the room; 
— at all events, I'll try it on, and enjoy the sport of the thing." 

With all reasonable despatch he swallowed his breakfast, 
and hastily attired himself ; and then set forth to gather such 
information as would enable him to lay down his plans for 
future operations* 



CAPTAIN BOLIO 497 



CHAPTER XXXIX. 

" The smiling mom, — as if to greet 

Love's vot'ries,— broke in brightness; 
And forth they came for marriage meet, 

In robes of virgin whiteness. 
The bride, upon that happy day, 
Promised to love and to — obey /" 

The Bridal. 

A host of professionals crowded into the Royal Crescent in 
pursuance of directions sent by Lady Bolio to some of the 
first artists in Bath, that she might be waited upon to receive 
orders for dresses of various descriptions, suited to her rank 
and the memorable occasion upon which they were to be 
used. 

" Oh, how I envy you," observed Mrs. Leechum, " on this 
joyous occasion !" 

"And why so, my dear?" enquired Lady Bolio; "I can 
assure you I wish the affair was over." 

" Why so, Lady Bolio ?" replied Mrs. Leechum. "Surely 
your Ladyship does not intend to sport with my wretched- 
ness. " 

" Not I, upon my honour," returned Lady Bolio ; " but I 
see no reason why you should envy me. Really now, my 
dear, the feelings I must necessarily endure are not so very 
delightful." 

" Oh, as to the feelings," said Mrs. Leechum, " I would 
endure a thousand such feelings for the pleasure of being 
married over again." 

" Consider, my dear Mrs. Leechum," continued her Lady- 
ship, " that, being wedded, you had better suppress than give 
license to such feelings." 

" It is well for your Ladyship so to talk," returned the 
doctor's lady ; " but to be bound to a person, — such a person 
as I am, — one who is everlastingly inventing fresh plans to 
annoy and torment ! Oh ! it is past all endurance." 

" Suppose, now," said Lady Bolio, "you could this mo- 
ment be free to receive an offer from any gentleman who 
might feel disposed to make it, — would you really accept 
such freedom ?" 

"Would I?" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, with a feeling of 
strong excitement. "Never did a captive leave his prison- 



498 THE RAMBLES OF 

house with half the delight that I should feel at such an 
event !" 

" Well, but you must acknowledge/' resumed Lady Bolio 
"that the doctor is very kind and obliging sometimes. " 

" Sometimes," responded Mrs. Leechum, " and these 
times are — 

* Like angel- visits, few and far between.' " 

" But then, you know, my dear," said Lady Bolio, " you 
might give yourself away to some one whose kindness would 
never be repeated after the honey-moon had ceased ; — now I 
have got all this to prove." 

"Well, but, my ddar lady," continued Mrs. Leechum, 
"would not the attention that I give to the doctor, and the 
ease with which I give up every point to him, and all that 
sort of thing, win any man but him to allow me to do as I 
pleased ? Now I'll tell you, Lady Bolio, — and I do so, not 
merely to show you what my own determinations are if ever 
I am so happy as to be led a second time to the altar, — but 
to advise you as a friend, — I will never again humour any 
man as I have done Dr. Leechum, — I have, positively, spoiled 
him and injured myself by over indulgence. No, no, Lady 
Bolio ; have your own way in every thing, — allow of no con- 
tradictions, — make the doctor, the moment you are married, 
feel the terror of your eye, — rule him properly, and you may 
then have some chance of holding such a rank as every 
woman should hold — that of independence, and of making 
your husband, what every husband should be, a thing of con- 
venience." 

" If I dissent from you, my dear Mrs. Leechum, it is not, 
believe me, for the purpose of dissenting, but from convic- 
tion : I should think that man unworthy the name of hus- 
band, — and, certainly, should blush to own such a one to be 
mine, — who did not maintain that dignity and station which 
reason and nature have given to him." 

" What 1" exclaimed Mrs. Leechum, in high alarm, " are 
you really going to give up your will then to the caprice of 
a man ; and— ?" 

" I am going to promise at the altar," replied Lady Bolio, 
" to love, honour, and obey, and I hope to do what I pro- 
mise ; — but here comes the doctor," — " Good morning, doc- 
tor," continued her Ladyship ; — " You have, I hope, enjoyed 
your walk ?" 



CAPTAIN BOLIO 499 

'•'I have done so "to a certain extent/' replied Leechum ; 
" but should have done so in a much greater degree if my 
dear Mrs. Leechum had been with me." 

" There now, my dear/' said Lady Bolio, turning to Mrs. 
Leechum, ' what think you of that ? Why, half the professed 
gallants in the good city of London would have forgotten to 
pay such a compliment to a wife." 

" A compliment, indeed I" returned the lady ; " I wish for 
something more than mere compliment." 

" Well, my love/' said the doctor, " I assure you I should 
have been happy beyond measure if you had been with me 
this morning." 

" I don't believe one word of it, Sir," returned his good- 
tempered lady ; " you know you are never so well pleased as 
when you can get out by yourself, — at least, as when you can 
leave me at home, and wander about where you please and 
with whom you please." 

" Now, my dear Mrs. Leechum," rejoined the doctor, "you 
do me wrong ; — you can't but be aware that I am never so 
much delighted as when you are in a good — that is, when — " 

"When what, Sir?" interrupted the lady, with warmth; 
" Do you intend to impugn my character ? — I insist upon 
knowing what you were going to say." 

" Only, my love," said the doctor, " when you are in a 
good temper ; and wish ever — " 

"Am I not always in a good temper?" demanded the 
meek lady. " Answer me, you vile defamer I" she continued, 
as her spouse hung fire, awed by her roused and indignant 
spirit. " Answer me, I say, Sir." 

" Why yes, love," he at length stammered ; — " yes, you 
are pretty well." 

"Pretty well, — pretty well, said you, Sir?" repeated Mrs. 
Leechum, swelling like a certain animal is said to have done 
at an ox, in order to attain to its size, but which burst in the 
experiment. "There, Lady Bolio," added the choaking 
lady, " did you ever hear any thing equal to that ? — This, 
you perceive, is the result of being easy and gentle, and hu- 
mouring that gentleman at a time when I ought to have as- 
serted my rights, — this is my reward for being too gentle and 
too indulgent; allowing Dr. Leechum to enjoy his will, when 
I should have insisted upon having my own." 

" Allow me, my love, just to hint one thing," said 
Leechum, beseechingly. 



500 THE RAMBLES OF 

"Oh, that hinting propensity!" shrieked the lady, — "I 
abhor it, — I will hear no more." So saying, she rushed from 
the room, leaving the doctor as stationary with surprise and 
alarm, as Lot's wife, or an Egyptian pyramid. Lady Bolio 
followed in order to sooth her, and the leech remained solus. 

" This is most extraordinary," thought the doctor, as soon 
as he was capable of thinking. " What is the 'head and front 
of my offending ?' I have allowed Mrs. Leechum to have her 
way in every thing, until she appears positively crazed with 
having her way so much. The approaching festival must not 
be marred by our private feuds, otherwise I would make a 
change — an instant and radical change; let the ceremony 
pass over which binds the contracted parties as tightly as I 
am bound, and then may I be bound for New South Wales, 
or some of the back settlements of Australia, on a fourteen 
years' apprenticeship, if I don't let Mrs. Leechum know that 
I will be lord of the ascendant." 

While matters were thus moving on harmoniously at the 
Royal Crescent, the inmates of the York Hotel were actively 
engaged in making arrangements for the day of legal binding. 

" How confoundedly long the days have grown," observed 
Sir Marmaduke to his friend Dashwood, — " they have, 'pon 
my honour." 

" Don't be impatient, my boy/' returned his Lordship, 
"you'll soon wish they had stood still for ever, or I am mis- 
taken; — to be sure, you'll have at least one soothing consi- 
deration upon which to meditate after the fatal act has taken 
place, — that of having procured a handsome fortune at the 
price of your liberty." 

"Ton my honour!" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, — "My 
liberty, my lord, — I don't understand you — no, 'pon my ho- 
nour, I don't." 

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Dashwood, — " One week after 
marriage, and Lady Varney will instruct you on the subject : 
farewell then to hunting, coursing, a rubber now and then, 
and an occasional flirtation." 

" 'Pon my honour," said SirMarmaduke, as if just awaking 
from a gratifying dream to experience all the horrors of an 
approaching execution. " Does it then follow necessarily, 
that having made Miss Fidget, Lady Varney, I must at once 
and entirely abandon all my recreations ?" 

" Does it not follow ?" returned Dashwood ; — why, to be 
sure it does. Then you must become a staid, serious, sedate 
kind of gentleman ; as, for instance, I am." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 501 

" Ton my honour/' cried the Knight ; " as your Lud- 
ship is ! — Well, that will do, — I will consent to matrimony 
on the condition that I enjoy equal freedom with yourself, 
'pon my honour." 

" Bravo !" shouted Dash wood, — " Bravo, my boy ! That's 
a display of spirit a little stretch beyond what I had looked 
for. For my own part," continued his Lordship, " I would 
rather marry Miss Fidget's poodle and her money, and have 
my liberty, than Miss Fidget herself, and forfeit so distin- 
guished a blessing." 

" 'Pon my honour," rejoined Sir Marmaduke, " your Lud- 
ship is excessively facetious this morning ; however, I agree 
perfectly with you, — your observations are as sage as a phi- 
losopher's, — they are, 'pon my honour." 

" Hush !" cried Dashwood, "here comes the lady." 

" Now really, my dear Miss Fidget," observed the Duchess, 
upon whose arm the bride-elect leaned, " you must get over 
this nonsense ; indeed you must. Oh ! here is Sir Marma- 
duke and his Lordship, too ; — there now, I shall turn you 
over to them if you do not promise me to rise above such 
weakness," she whispered to the lady. 

"Are you unwell, Madam?" enquired Dashwood, ap- 
proaching Miss Fidget with seeming great concern. 

" Only a slight head- ache this morning, my Lord," re- 
turned Miss Fidget. 

"Ton my honour," observed Sir Marmaduke, with a face 
shrouded upon the instant in gloomy sadness, " inexpressibly 
sorry to hear it. Can I render you any help ?" 

" Oh, yes," said the Duchess, laughing ; " you, I think, 
are the cause of the whole of it." 

" 'Pon my honour!" returned the Knight ; — " I the cause I 
Pray explain, or I shall go wild with anxiety, — I shall, 'pon 
my honour!" 

"Now, my dear Duchess," interrupted Miss Fidget, "do 
regard my feelings." 

" I promise you I will," said her Grace, " upon the con- 
dition I have named. To make all this fuss, indeed, about 
getting married, — ha! ha! ha! For shame! my dear Miss Fid- 
get — for shame ! Why, I should not make so much ado about 
it, if I had the business to attend to every New-year's day." 

The spirit displayed by the Duchess appeared to inspire 
Miss Fidget with fresh courage ; and, with something like 
nerve, she looked forward to the nuptial morn. 



502 THE RAMBLES OF 

Time moved on its axis with its usual celerity ; and, al- 
though the fevered anxiety of certain parties disposed them 
to think otherwise, still on it went, and Drought with it at 
length the much-desired and long-wished-for morning of the 
day upon which the knot, which it was believed death only 
would render dissoluble, would be tied. 

After considerable and close thought, and a variety of opi- 
nions on the subject, it had been determined that the cere- 
mony should be performed in the abbey-church ; and, also, 
that the whole party should return from thence to the York 
Hotel, at which place a sumptuous dinner was to be provided. 

At a much earlier hour than she was accustomed to rise, 
Miss Fidget raised her head from its downy resting-place, 
and sighed most piteously as she thought of the arduous 
duties to which she would that day have to attend. 

" My dear Carlo," said the affectionate lady, as she em- 
braced him with more than usual warmth* " to-day thy mis- 
tress gives herself to one who has promised to be thy friend as 
well as her's, — if I could entertain a doubt to the contrary, 
even now, for thy sake I would refuse to accompany him to 
the altar. But how shall I dispose of you to-day ? — must I 
take you with me to where my vows are to be registered ; or 
shall I leave you in the care of my servant?" 

" Yelp ! yelp !" returned Carlo, most sagaciously, without 
any definite reply being furnished, but which Miss Fidget as 
sagaciously interpreted to be a reply in the affirmative. 

"Well, dear," said the affectionate mistress, "you shall 
accompany me ; I will not go without you." 

This interesting colloquy was broken up by the appearance 
of the Duchess and Georgiana ; who, as the bridesmaids of 
Miss Fidget, came to announce themselves as her attend- 
ants. 

" Oh, my dear Georgiana !" exclaimed Miss Fidget, burst- 
ing into tears, and looking very much as if disposed to "go 
off," " I never shall be able to get through this day !" 

"Nonsense!" returned the Duchess; "1 tell you, my 
dear, it positively is nothing. Now, I am quite sure, Geor- 
giana would not make so much fuss about saying, I will. — 
You will be able to say it without any labour in a little time, 
I make no doubt; — only let Sir Marmaduke contradict your 
pleasures, or thwart your purpose once or twice, and you are 
not a woman if * I will J' or ' I will not !' don't issue from 
your lips freely enough." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 503 

" All !" thought Georgiana, " if I stood in the same con- 
nexion this morning, with my dear Claudius, as Miss Fidget 
does with Sir Marmaduke, I'm sure I should be too happy to 
think even of the painful part of the duty." 

The rolling of Lord Dashwood's carriage up to the door of 
the York Hotel announced the time of departure for the 
cathedral; and once more the sensitive nerves of Miss Fidget 
received a fearful shock. As, however, due care had been 
taken to give a strong colour to her bloomless cheeks, no 
change in countenance could be perceived. 

The Duchess had employed all her powers of rhetoric, but 
in vain, to persuade the accomplished bride to leave Carlo at 
home, — go he must. She hugged the shaggy brute to her 
breast; and, supported by her maids, descended the stairs, and 
in a moment was hid from the gaping crowd within the 
closely drawn blinds of the carriage. 

The doctor and his party had reached the church some 
minutes before Sir Marmaduke drove up, and were awaiting 
their arrival, with the dignitary who was to perform the office, 
in the vestry. 

Having sipped a little wine to keep their spirits up, they 
proceeded gravely towards the altar ; and then the very reve- 
rend functionary commenced the ceremony — the doctor and 
Lady Bolio leading the van. These having been in due form 
pronounced man and wife, Sir Marmaduke led the trembling 
Miss Fidget to the rails of the communion-table, and there 
solemnly promised all that was required of him. One or two 
blunders excepted on the part of the Knight, all went off 
well ; and these occurred principally from his habit of pledg- 
ing his honour to every thing : as, for instance, when asked, 
"Wilt thou have this woman?" &c, he quite unconsciously 
responded, " I will, 'pon my honour." As, however, it was 
considered an infirmity in the gallant Knight rather than an 
intended slight or insult upon the ceremony, it was allowed 
to pass without observation by the worthy divine, 

Never before that day was so splendid a banquet, or so dis- 
tinguished a party, seen at the York Hotel. Sir Marmaduke 
was determined the thing should be done handsomely, and 
especially so as he had that day stepped into a particularly 
handsome fortune ; while the taste and love of exhibition in 
a regal style, which possessed and influenced the Duchess in 
all her movements^ and to whom, in connexion with Dash- 
wood, the direction of the present affair was left, — rendered 



504 THE RAMBLES OP 

it quite certain that no half-and-half measures would be to- 
lerated on the occasion. 

It was, as has been stated, a splendid set-out. Sir Mar- 
maduke was in his element, — all with him was dash and 
splash ; while Miss Fid — we beg her Ladyship's pardon, — 
Lady Varney, endured the fatigue and other things like a 
hero ; even Carlo appeared to understand that something 
out of the usual order of things had happened ; and, there- 
fore, seemed to suppose he had a license to take a few more 
than ordinary liberties. The doctor and his bride smiled 
graciously on all, and returned without affectation of assumed 
bashfulness the kindly wishes and hearty gratulations which 
were addressed to them from every quarter. 

Georgiana looked upon the festive scene with thoughtful- 
ness ; and although her musing mood did not degenerate into 
gloomy sadness, still the hilarity with which she would once 
have hailed such an occasion, had departed from her. 

At this moment an unusual noise, close to the door of the 
apartment on the outside, caught the attention of the whole 
party. Some words of altercation followed, as if the servants 
in attendance were opposing the entrance of some one who 
sought to do so. 

" What can this mean ?" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, his 
countenance undergoing a change as he spoke/ " Tis very 
extraordinary, 'pon my honour." 

" Some one who would be an unwelcome intruder, I should 
imagine," responded Dashwood, directing a significant 
glance towards Sir Marmaduke. The Knight caught the ex- 
pressive look, and appeared fully to understand it. 

" Ton my honour," returned Sir Marmaduke, " 'tis 
strange. To what period did the date of the bond extend ?" 
he enquired of Dashwood. 

" The bond !" exclaimed two or three voices. 

" To what bond do you refer, love ?" asked Lady 
Varney. 

" Ton my honour !" answered the Knight ; — u What was 
it, my Lud?" 

" Oh, a mere trifle," replied that statesman-like worthy, 
who was ever ready with an answer for every question, and 
had at his tongue's end an excuse, or evasion, for every case 
of difficulty : " A poor man whom Sir Marmaduke has kindly 
served, and who promised that he would redeem his security 
to-day or to-morrow." 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 505 

• Such an action, so performed, Sir Marmaduke, reflects 
the highest honour upon your character," observed the doc- 
tor, " and deserves a compliment elegant and durable as that 
paid by Pope to his benevolent friend, Ralph Allen, Esq., 
who formerly possessed the handsome property on the right 
of Claverton Down, called ' Prior Park/ which owns the 
noble Hawarden for its lord — 

' Let humble Allen with ingenuous shame, 
Do good by stealth, and blush to find his fame.' " 

" Ton my honour," had just issued from Sir Marmaduke's 
lips, as the preface to a speech in which he purposed to ac- 
knowledge the intended compliment of the doctor; but which 
was, as the reader is aware, every thing the reverse, — when 
a vet louder noise, accompanied by a scuffle, was heard, and 
then a report as if more than one head had come in contact 
with some neighbouring wainscoting followed, which was 
again followed by the opening of the door of the room, and 
in rushed an elegant-looking young man, followed by a posse 
of servants who had attempted, but in vain, to prevent his 
entrance. 

" My mother ! — my mother !" burst from the lips of the 
intruder, as he threw himself at the feet of Mrs. Titheum. 
" Can you pardon the waywardness of your repentant son ?" 

" 'Pon my honour !" exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, — "What 
does all this mean ?" 

" My dear, — my long-lost Claudius !" exclaimed the fond 
mother, enfolding the supplicant in her arms. 

'* Claudius !" cried the doctor, starting in amazement. 
" Is it possible ? — What ! my livery servant transformed into 
my son-in-law I" 

Little more than the first exclamation uttered by Claudius 
had been heard by Georgiana ; — the delight and wonder of 
the maid entirely overpowered her, and she swooned in the 
arms of the Duchess. Claudius beheld his beloved mistress 
— now by marriage his sister, — die away ; and, without wait- 
ing for the pardon he had solicited at the hands of his mo- 
ther, hurried to relieve the Duchess of her lovely burden. 

A short time sufficed to restore order, — the servants, of 
course, retired at the instant the doctor waved his hand for 
them to do so, — and Claudius, being placed on the left hand 
of his mother, with Georgiana beside him, proceeded to amuse 
the company by recounting some of the leading scenes of his 



506 THE RAMBLES OF 

peregrinations, with which all expressed themselves asto- 
nished and delighted. 

" Ton my honour," exclaimed Sir Marmaduke, with high 
delight of tone and countenance, — relieved from the fear 
which beset him, that Mr. Solomon Feritfox had made him 
a final call ; — " this is, indeed, particularly wonderful ! Mr. 
Claudius," he continued, as he presented his hand to our 
hero, " I congratulate you with all my heart, — I do, 'pon my 
honour, — your adventures have been very extraordinary." 

" And no one," observed Dr. Titheum, " could hit upon 
a better plan to gain information of men and manners. I am 
not in the ' commission of the peace' if I do not recommend 
its adoption to all the junior branches of my connexions. If it 
were generally pursued it would be an important improvement 
upon the course pursued by our sprigs of nobility ; — if in- 
stead of migrating to foreign shores, and picking up just as 
much of the customs and habits of their inhabitants as tends 
to make them libertines and atheists, they were to read the 
living chronicles* which in every grade of society are open to 
their inspection in their own country, they would by such 
means understand human nature better, and, of course, be 
more fully qualified to legislate for the benefit of the commu- 
nity, and for the promotion of the interests and glory of the 
land." 

" Bravo !" cried Dashwood,—" and what would you re- 
commend to the candidates for sacred functions and ecclesi- 
astical honours ?" 

" Umph !" said the doctor, pouring down a glass of wine 
to brighten his intellects. " I think the best study for those 
who desire to be perfect in the science of anatomy, is the 
human frame, — connecting, of course, such practice with a 
diligent investigation of the works of the wise and learned of 
by-gone ages." 

" Exactly so," observed Dr. Leechum. 

" And by parity of reasoning," said Dashwood, " I sup- 
pose I am to infer, that a close study of human nature, con- 
nected with a thoughtful perusal of the productions of sound 
and good theologians, is the course you would recommend 
to such candidates, instead of — " 

" That is precisely my view of the subject," interrupted 
the doctor, without allowing his Lordship to make such ob- 
servations as in all probability, he opined, would reflect upon 
a large proportion of his cloth. 



CAPTAIN BOLIO. 507 

" Then it appears, doctor,' resumed Dashwood, " you 
would recommend a radical change in long-established 
customs. " 

u So far as customs are opposed to the views I have 
named," said the doctor, " I would certainly do so." 

"I propose, gentlemen," cried the Duchess, "that unless 
his Lordship and the doctor pay a little more respect to the 
ladies by changing their subject, — a heavy fine shall be laid 
upon each of them." 

" Ton my honour," responded Sir Marmaduke, " that is 
shrewdly said by your Grace ; — I second the proposition, — 
I do, 'pon my honour." 

" To prevent the trouble of putting it to the vote," said 
Dashwood, "we plead guilty of a breach of order; and, 
craving the pardon of the house, promise never in the same 
way to offend again." 

So passed the hours of this memorable day, the night of 
which was closed by a splendid ball, at which Claudius and 
Georgiana shone forth the stars of the brilliant circle ; while 
Lord Dashwood and Mrs. Leechum, to the no small annoy- 
ance of the worthy leech, flirted with broad hilarity. 

The period at length came when a separation of the parties 
was determined on ; and, after having spent so many w^eks 
in each other's company, the sound of adieu fell no i plea- 
santly upon the ear. Mrs. Leechum positively sKed tears, 
not a few, although she contrived to conceal tinem, as the 
final pressure of her hand was felt from IVashwood ; — while 
the doctor appeared to rejoice as he drave from the hotel with 
his amiable wife ; hoping, that b*«ng thereby freed from the 
suspicious attentions of a titled one, the lady might pay a lit- 
tle, more attention to her too much neglected husband. 

Dr. Titheum and his family remained a day beyond any 
of the others, — not for his own pleasure exactly, but at the 
request of Claudaus, whose grateful heart swelled with de- 
sire to reward, in some measure, the services performed and 
the kindness shown to him, by his old landlady, Jannet. 

Accompanied by Georgiana, and arrayed in a suit more 
oecoming his change of fortune than he had before been seen 
in, he walked to the lowly cottage of the kind-hearted widow. 
He had already by a note informed her, that his absence from 
his lodging was occasioned by business, in order to prevent 
the alarm which otherwise she might have felt for his safety j 
but at the same time assured her that in a few days he 
should return. 

z2 



508 THE RAMBLES OF CAPTAIN BOLIO. 

The joy of Jannet at seeing Claudius was excessive ; but 
when he informed her that his object in calling was to make 
her some return for the services she had rendered him, and 
to take his leave of her, the old woman burst into tears, and 
wept like an infant. Georgiana employed her art to sooth 
her, and after some time succeeded ; and then, having placed 
a substantial evidence of their gratitude in Jannet's hand, 
they retired from the humble dwelling, followed by the bless- 
ings of the widow. 

On the return of Claudius and Georgiana to the York, 
they found every thing had been prepared for their depar- 
ture during their absence ; and without any other delay than 
some trifling change in dress occasioned, they commenced 
their journey towards the doctor's residence at Christchurch. 

To follow our travellers through the whole line of road 
they journeyed, or to notice every circumstance which took 
place on the way, and at the several places at which they 
halted, is neither necessary nor intended ; it will suffice to 
state, that without any accident the whole party reached the 
Rectory in safety, and were received with every demonstra- 
tion of pleasure which sincerity could display, by the several 
dependants of the doctor. 

The e&ange which had taken place in the character and 
station of Claudius produced feelings of astonishment and 
delight in evei-y member of the establishment, by whom he 
had ever been a g.reat favourite; while with a generous kind- 
ness, such as a noble xh.eart alone could feel, our hero returned 
the salutes they gave. 

It was soon determined nVcat a fete of a splendid character 
should mark the event, and numerous cards of invitation 
were despatched to the " respectable^" of the neighbourhood, 
among which Claudius did not fail to number the generous 
Farmer Primrose and family, to whose kAndness he had for- 
merly owed so much. The attendance of the party was 
highly gratifying, and the entertainments of tita> evening in- 
teresting and unique. Claudius and Georgiana appeared as 
the presiding spirits of the time, while all seemed eqtfe&v as- 
tonished and delighted with the sketch which was furnished 
them of the— "Rambles of Claudius Bolio." 




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